Hi, Gasmii! Thanks so much for all the great (and hysterical!) comments on the Minicap! First, Logo doesn’t have the ep on their site yet, so I don’t have the screencaps I wanted, so sorry about that. I do have tons of interesting photos, though . . .
Let’s get right into the ep!
The ep opens with Eden telling us how she used to “rule the pageant world” and now, at 6, has retired. She is going to help other kids learn what got Eden to the top. Also, she’s going to NYC to work on her career.
We meet Eden’s mother, Mickie. Sidebar: has anyone ever seen her father in any T&T (Toddlers & Tiaras) eps or anywhere else? I don’t think I have. I do wonder what he thinks of Eden’s
exploitation career, though. And why he clearly doesn’t attempt to interfere and get her oh, some education and a real life. We also meet Heather, Eden’s manager.
Eden is traveling to Hudson, WI, to help Adrianna, a 12-year-old pageant contestant. Apparently Adrianna gets flak from other girls due to her participation in pageants. Eden shares that she was bullied by 5 kids, but doesn’t tell us anything else. I don’t mean to minimize bullying in any way – it’s awful – but was she really bullied, or did some gals just say snide remarks to her at one time? It’s not like Eden is a GLBT child who’s tormented beyond endurance. Until now, we’ve never heard her talk about being bullied, and if this is some sort of PSA it’s failing miserably.
At Adrianna’s house there’s an enormous dance room. Adrianna says her friends call her stuck up, and she thinks her friends are offended because she’s always busy with pageants and doesn’t have a lot of time for them. Adrianna, honey, those aren’t friends. Move on. Also, sounds like you’re a tad stuck up. Think about how you act before you blame others, m’kay? Eden pronounces that it’s not good to be mean to people. Then how does she excuse her “singing”? Because if anything’s “mean to people”, it’s her song stylings. More on that later.
Moving on, Mickie says Adrianna should invite her friends to learn about her. Ann, Adrianna’s mom, wants kids to know Adrianna is normal. Which of course means she’s not. Mickie says association with Adrianna will pull the other girls up. To what? From what? They’re not bad girls! They’re probably just put off by what is likely Adrianna’s all-pageants-all-the-time attitude.
Now we meet Andrew, Eden’s publicist and a guy who badly needs a tranquilizer. Or 10. He says NYC should be a priority for Eden, not going out to WI. He’s going to “crash the pageant parade” and show up in WI. Heather shares that Andrew is trying to get Eden to sign with him, but she has an exclusive contract with Heather. If he’s a publicist, why can’t Eden sign with him? Publicist and manager aren’t the same job. There’s plenty of $$$ to go around. Potentially, anyway.
Here’s what Andrew thinks about Eden’s future, from an interview with New Now Next: “My goals for Eden are unique in the sense that I see a blockbuster licensing brand in front of my eyes. I see something very similar to the Olsen Twins or Miley Cyrus. Something that can be marketed and grow across many demographics and platforms”.
Did you hear Andrew thinks Eden can be just like us? HAHAHAHAHAH
And we go to WI, to what looks like a day care center, or some kids art type store, or maybe a Chuck E Cheese wanna-be. It’s some kind of kid place (can you tell I don’t have any kids?) but the only kid there is Eden. We jump right into Andrew and Heather fighting, which is apparently a motif for this entire series. Heather says she helped create the Eden Brand and she doesn’t want her to be tabloid fodder. News flash, Heather: T&T and pageants in general are tabloid fodder, so that ship has long since sailed. Andrew retorts that he plans to get Eden a feature in a lifestyle magazine. Remember the Weekly World News? They always had the most interesting features on Bat Boy. Now there’s a guy who should have his own series. Also, they were always on top of the latest alien visit/Elvis-JFK-JIm Morrison sighting. Ah, good times . . .
Ou est le boy de bat maintenant? Le horns de sad.
Also, just in case you were wondering:
Explains SO much.
But I digress. Back to Andrew saying he feels like Simba in The Lion King being attacked by hyenas.
They wouldn’t DARE. PS – Grrr.
Andrew says he took Eden to another level and she wouldn’t be in the position she is now without him. At this point, Mickie and Eden (who’s been listening to all this – klassy!) leave.
Meet Mr. N. Case.
And we’re back to the d-mned argument. Eden makes pistol fingers explaining that they fight a lot. Right there with ya, kiddo. Heather asks for a pause so she can find her “zone” (it’s between your ears, honey), and tells Andrew not to stare at her. Oh good, she’s got some psych issues too. Mickie wants them both working for Eden, not fighting.
What zone is she in, anyway? The Auto Zone?
We go to Adrianna’s house, where the girls come over. Eden picks out outfits for the gals, who are getting a makeover. Were those Adrianna’s outfits? From a costume rental place? Did they get the gals’ measurements ahead of time? And then the gals get made up. Eden works on one gal. That’s what I want, a 6-year-old doing my makeup.
How to get these gals to bond with Adrianna? You guessed it, they all dance to a song Eden recorded called Cutsie Roll. BTW, it’s on iTunes here. I’m sure you’ll want to buy it once you read the lyrics, which I found on the World Wide Interwebs (get your hankies ready, they’re totes profound and meaningful):
Got this new dance it’s called the cutsie roll
Which I heard as “Tootsie Roll”.
I learned it on the stage I do it everywhere I go
On what stage? Strip club?
The stagers weren’t that or weren’t or could be found
Incomprehensible. Moving on . . .
If you wanna hang with Eden you gotta get down
Oh please. Eden, you’re as white bread as they come. You don’t know what “get down” means. Now if Willow Smith – or even Bieber- were singing this song, then this lyric would make sense.
Oh oh oh clap your hands and hit the floor oh oh oh and the beat you can’t
Hit the floor? Like when you’re dodging bullets?
Yep, we’re goin’ to the mattresses again, Eden.
You slide to the left and then you slide to the right shimmey to the
Floor this dance is out of sight
Sadly, the dance was not “out of sight”. They all began to dance like robots.
And then they all gather around Eden. So really, this was not about Adrianna, it was about Eden’s constant need to be the center of attention. Or her mother’s, same diff. Oh, and Eden thinks they all had fun. That Eden, she’s a uniter not a divider.
Just like me! I can do the robot too.
We switch to NYC, and Heather tells us she launched Eden’s music career. With Cutie Patootie, I point out. She’s working on getting Eden a big recording deal, and has arranged an audition for A&M. Mickie says OMG except she pronounces M in some weird way that made me have to rewind the show about 10 times. Learn English, ya cracker! And she says this is the biggest thing that’s happened to date. What, ever? So, birth of Jesus? World War II? Penicillin? Dinosaur extinction? None of those were the “biggest thing that’s happened to date”?
Someone puts Eden up on a table so she can do a pelvis-thrusting spastic dance. James Diener (A&M) just looks at her. Then she goes into Cutie Patootie. And by “goes into” I mean “screams off-key”. James shuts the music off about 3 lines in. Rutroh! Andrew thinks Eden’s not prepared. He’s a freaking Oracle of Delphi, that guy.
I foresee . . . a sparking career in a Hooter’s.
James asks “is there more?” in a way that strongly conveys “tell me there’s not“. Oh please say no – dammit, there is more, and this time it’s Country Queen. Mickie says Eden hasn’t “laid down” the track yet so she plays it on her phone while Eden “sings” a couple of lines. As I mentioned in the Minicap, this was not good for my ears. Or my lungs because I just kept screaming “Stop!” over and over. James says thanks, that gives them a “much better sense of her potential”. Which is basically saying f you and your kid. Mickie starts to cry as if James just said her kid was super-talented and responds, “It’s our life. It’s real”. Whiskey tango foxtrot?
Cleo Patrick, Queen of Denial. Also wearing so much makeup Eden looks “natural” compared to her.
The remark is made that Eden has a natural ability to entertain and is fearless. So was Anna Nicole, and we all know how that turned out. James asks how often Eden gets to NYC and Mickie says “whenever you want us”. So playing hard-to-get is not one of her strong suits. That would also explain why she has a child. James then says they’re “always welcome to stop in” especially if they have new music, and Eden should be proud of what she’s done so far. Again, this is a clear – albeit polite – kissoff. Mickie, though, shares that “in my mind all I have to do is get her in the studio and record that song” and Eden will have a deal. Yeah. Not so much.
We jet back to WI for pageant day. The pageant, which seems to be attended by maybe 12 people, is held in what appears to be the conference room down the hall from my office. Of course, people showed up just to see Eden, or so Eden says.
Now we see Fran (Dianely’s mother from T&T), Eden’s hair and makeup person who is also apparently doing ALL the makeup and hair for everyone. All 25 contestants. Fran is freaking out, she needs space, and she’s yelling and having a total meltdown.
Yeah, you’re the consummate professional, aren’t you? Except when you’re actually working.
The moms are upset – justifiably so Andrew decides to tell one of the mothers to calm down, because she’s allegedly “badmouthing” his “team”. Honey, if Fran is your “team” you need to get a new one. This leads to an altercation that Mickie has to break up. Heather shares Andrew would be gone if she had her say. Well, ya don’t Heather. Suck it up and go back to your zone.
Eden says it is an awesome day and repeats she got to see her fans. Adrianna appears to be late for her group, but we’ve seen that trick on T&T enough to know it’s usually not how the event actually went down.
We’re back to Adrianna crying because of nutcase Fran, cause Adrianna’s hair and makeup aren’t done. Now Mickie’s crying again too and “helping”.
Here comes Adrianna onto the stage with a hairdo that’s a lopsided rat’s nest that is in danger of falling off. Sadly, it doesn’t. Mickie, in the audience, models the poses even though Adrianna knows them and is 12, not 2. Adrianna’s
friends frenemies are there to cheer for her.
Not surprisingly, Adrianna is crowned Elite Taco Bell Grande Supreme Con Queso and receives the most cheap-ass crown I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen a lot of pageants! We never hear just what Eden did with Adrianna to help her win. (Although competing in a pageant with only 24 other people undoubtedly helped). So this show appears to be downplaying the actual coaching – which was half of the premise – in favor of, from what I can tell, fighting between Heather and Andrew, both of whom are highly unlikeable and mentally unstable. Thanks, Logo! First you don’t renew Jeffrey and Cole Casserole, then you cut A-List: Dallas and with it my fave guy, James (a/k/a Dallas Chore, but said with love!), and now this. Hisssssss.
And you! Too brilliant for Logo!
Back in NYC, Heather, Mickie and Andrew are discussing Eden. They’re in a restaurant. Eden is nowhere in sight. Probably locked in the hotel room throwing back shots from the minibar.
Soon to be Eden’s BFFs.
Andrew says they control her destiny. I’ll remember that when the cops find her in a motel in a few years’ time. Mickie says to always remember when Eden was on the table. OK, first it was 2 days ago. Second, what about that are we to remember? The gyrations? The screeching? The complete and total diss by the A&M guy?
Heather shares she might kill Andrew and spend Eden’s teen years in jail, but it’d be worth it. I just want her in jail so I never have to see her on TV again.
Then Eden shares that sometimes adults act like kids. To paraphrase Joel McHale: Eden Wood, Unlikely Voice of Reason!
Mickie says she wants Eden’s World to be a perfect world. Well, it’s not and it never will be, and if you try to make it “perfect” she’s going to have quite the rude awakening in a few years. Mickie tells the Bickersons to work out their differences, and she wants loyalty and trust. Because they’ll be ruling the world. Oh, just like the Nazis. Right.
They all end by saying “sparkle, baby” with absolutely no sense of irony.
I can sparkle too!
Coming up in the season: Andrew gets that much closer to a psych ward. And Eden “models”. Can’t wait.
Well, that’s it for this week’s installment of “Why Mental Illness Laws Must Be Revised – STAT!” See you all next week!
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