Recap: Hollywood Exes…Blind Dates, Belly Dancing, and Bitterness

Well you can tell by the way I use my walk… 

HOLA Gasmi! Welcome to another fun-filled, educational (boring) episode of Hollywood Exes.  We know we sound like a broken record, guys, but we are getting more and more bitter with every passing week. They don’t need to be mean to each other but give us something to talk about, something or someone to hate! That’s what brings an audience in. We want good guys AND bad guys and we want to see the bad guys lose! 

Oh well, on with the show…

We kick off the show with Nicole meeting with her assistant to discuss her housing “situation”… section 8? The rest of the country is having a foreclosing situation BUT not our Exes! Nicole’s gotta move and move quick. She got a full price offer, all cash, and she needs to be out in 30 days…. Dear God, please let the constable show up and give this show a little drama.

First Serial Killer and He’s Irish

 First a lawsuit and now a move. She is so stressed! We need to be careful what we wish for. When we asked for drama with this show, I guess we didn’t specify.  This is mature drama. We need high school drama. We are sure this is a trying time for her, but please Nicole, we are worried about buying bread this week. 

Calgon! Take me away!           

On the other side of the tracks, Jessica, Mayte, and Drea are going slummin to a single’s mixer. The girls seem pretty excited UNTIL they see the men. They decide to drink, and drink a lot. We common folk know this as beer goggles. 

Let’s meet our Bachelors….

Wolverine likes long strolls in the moonlight

Mike Brady wants to give you a perm in the basement

Mike’s Brother from another mother. Wayne Brady 

John Wayne Gacy and Joan Crawford’s love-child: He wants you to call him Mommie Dearest  

They all  seem like perfectly lovely gentlemen, what do our bachlorette’s think?

OH! MY! GOD! BECKY!         

The Bachlorette’s are not impressed in the size OR quality. Drea instantly deems them the original serial killers who must teach classes…at Millenium? As if things weren’t already awkward enough, the matchmaker wants to play party games.  First game involves toilet paper. Hmmm this is not the kind of swirl Drea goes for OKKKAYYY. Anyway, they have to tear off as many squares as they need. 

Can you spare a square? 

 The rule is for each square they have to share something embarrassing, kinky, turn ons or turn offs, or just basically anything they want because the matchmaker needs them to talk. Mayte goes first and talks about her cat having diarrhea while she peed. Wolverine says his biggest turn off is when girls talk about their cats having diarrhea while they pee. Jessica loves a man in a uniform, really? Of course she has to mention Jose. Drea’s biggest fear is farting during doggie style after eating tacos. Just to be clear, that is not OUR biggest fear when we eat tacos, but ok. That could be the reason the terrorists hate us. 

Who Farted? 

Next is a scenario game. They pair off  and are stranded on a desert island, and together they have to decide 5 things to bring. Drea wants candles, to cover the fart smells. Mayte wants Wi-Fi, to skype with her cat. Jessica just wants drugs, that’s our girl.. so does Jose Jessica, so does Jose. The Matchmaker thinks Drea and Wolverine would make a good couple. They both injured themselves rolling their eyes. This ends the excruciating portion of the show…Crap, never mind,  we still have 30 minutes left.

Nicole is house hunting with Realtor Emil, her real realtor is out-of-town. How dare he have a life, when hers is so stressful!  She wants a Mediterranean mixed in with a Contemporary feel. Oh and she needs a bowling alley and a movie theater. Well honestly, who doesn’t? She dismisses Emil and calls Bob to address her needs. He tells her he has some properties in Bel Air. Well Christ Nicole! Sheree used to be married to the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, so who needs Bob?! 

Drea and Mayte are taking a walk through the neighborhood… on camera, and Drea’s assistant Tony calls her to set her up with his barber. After a night with a room of serial killers, how bad can one night with Sweeney Todd be?