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HaPPy THanKSgIVinG, Gasmii! Before I lapse into a food coma, I wanted to write my latest recap and tell you all how thankful I am for each and every one of you. Being a part of TVgasm has been so much fun, and I am looking forward to snarking with you all for quite a while to come!
Now, as my gift to you, Gasmii, I am providing you with proof beyond a shadow of a doubt that God does exist. To wit:
It is a cherry pie, an apple pie, and a pumpkin pie, each baked into a separate cake, then all three are baked together into a single cake. Pastry chef David Lowery made this 21 lb. 10 oz. creation for guests at the Grand Geneva Resort in Wisconsin.
Get thee down to your nearest temple, church, mosque, or any other place of worship that calls you and fall on your knees, Gasmii!
You’re welcome. I accept gratuities in the form of first-born sons and anything deep fried.
Now, on to Revenge before my sugar high subsides.
It is early morning and Emily is looking at the watch that Victoria gave her father, David Clarke, with the inscription “Until Forever, Victoria.” I guess that, to Victoria, “forever” consists of the time period between Botox injections, cause that bitch flipped on ol’ Davie faster than a batch of pancakes at a fireman’s fundraiser.
Daniel comes out all charming and with coffee and junk and invites Emily to the Grayson Global Business by the Beach volleyball event set for that afternoon. Emily hugs Daniel and looks up to see Victoria being all stalker dude-ish from her parapet. Emily leers at Victoria and gives Daniel an extra juicy smacker.
I’LL GET YOU, MY PRETTY
Lydia tries to escape by ordering Ashley to get her wheelchair and help her find her phone because she needs to call Conrad. Now color me ignorant, but this bitch seems a tad too entitled for my tastes. Victoria takes her in and nurses her (at least that should be Lydia’s perspective since she “doesn’t remember” anything), and she is being the ho-bag mistress by calling her husband right in front of her. At least she remembers shagging ol’ Conrad.
PERHAPS LYDIA “REMEMBERS” MORE THAN SHE IS LETTING ON
Fauxmanda is now going by the name Kara Wilkins, which is the name on her passport (and also Emily’s mother’s maiden name). What do you think, Gasmii, shall we continue to refer to her as Fauxmanda, or switch her name yet again for these recaps? I’m starting to feel a little like Sybil here.
WHO THE FUCK IS THIS CURLY-HAIRED HOMICIDAL STRIPPER CHICK?
Fauxmanda is flirting with Jack, telling him how well she rides the pleasure stick what good ship’s passenger she would be, when Nolan spots them. He is none too happy to see Fauxmanda minus the beret and crappy attitudes about les Americains.
Meanwhile, Ashley and Emily are watching Tyler and Daniel play on opposing teams at the beach volleyball event. Ashley is talking about how insufferable Victoria is becoming now that she kicked Conrad out and moved Lydia in. I can see her point.
LOOKS LIKE POOR ASHLEY IS A VIRTUAL CINDERELLA
Nolan makes a panicked phone call to Emily and tells her that, not only did Fauxmanda not leave town, but she is on Jack’s boat. He tells Emily to get down to the docks ASAP, so she ditches Daniel at the volleyball game.
Victoria brings Lydia some witch’s brew lobster bisque (no way I’d eat that shit – probably has more rat poison in it than the kitchen at Red Lobster). Lydia tells her that she remembers exactly what happened at the benefit and that Victoria told her that she hated her so much that no apology could touch it.
Just then, the Southampton police arrive. The detective serves Victoria with a search warrant. Oh, snap! He tells her that cell towers picked up Frank’s cell phone signal on Victoria’s premises last night! (Remember that Emily planted it there?)
WTF?? (Seems to be a theme this episode)
Detective then goes on to say that they know that Frank and Victoria had “regular contact” and that Conrad abruptly fired him, after which Frank called Victoria from a hotel room. Then the detective asks Victoria if she would characterize Conrad as a jealous man. And gives her a “meaningful” look.
Emily confronts Fauxmanda who gets all nipply and tells Emily that she had stopped by to tell Emily should didn’t go to France, but Emily was too busy with Daniel. Emily asks Fauxmanda what’s going on, and sad, sappy music plays as Fauxmanda tells Emily that she is “tired of fucking for a living running.” Emily tells her that she will pay for her to go anywhere she wants, but Fauxmanda tells her what she wants is in Emily’s jeans friends and a home. Emily tells her she can’t stay, and Fauxmanda gets all salty and says she didn’t ask Emily’s permission.
EMILY IS THRILLED
Back at the South Fork Inn (I still LOVE that) where Conrad is staying, he gets waaay too serious about the beach volleyball game (honestly, does this guy even know how to smile?), then pits Tyler and Daniel against each other tells Tyler and Daniel that the first one of them who lands “a high roller” at the next corporate event can earn their big boy pants keep the entire commission.
Victoria interrupts the meeting. After Daniel and Tyler leave, she tells Conrad that Frank’s cell phone was found in their garden and that the police are making a case against him. Conrad tells her that he is innocent and that the phone must have been planted by the same person who put the camera in Lydia’s apartment. Victoria accuses Conrad of planting the camera, to which Conny replies that Victoria had better back him up because if he is convicted he will make sure that everything she holds dear will be ripped from her greedy little claws.
Nolan shows up at the Stowaway just as Declan is asking (again in the fake Irish/Scottish/Pig Latin brogue that I DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY he is using) about Fauxmanda. Jack asks Nolan for her story, but Nolan just tells him to stay away from her because she is too nomadic. Instead, Jack rushes out to the boat with a six pack of PBR and a box of Trojan Ecstasy Magnums.
Emily is sitting at her computer looking at Frank’s wallet and Fauxmanda’s mug shot. Flashback to Emily paying off Fauxmanda to switch identities and telling her the details of “Amanda Clarke’s” life.
The phone rings and now it is S-Natch’s turn –
Nolan just called our girl “Fauxmanda”!! I totally invented that – he must have hacked into my computer. Stupid computer geek guy.
HE’S CALLING HER THAT RIGHT NOW! THIEF! (He TOTALLY stole that from me – I should be like J-Mo and trademark all my shit)
Nolan gets a call asking him to verify that one of his credit cards is still in his possession. He realizes it is gone, and reasons that Tyler stole it from him. Ha – how does it feel stupid stealer guy?
Meanwhile, Tyler is re-reading the shredded speech Lydia was allegedly going to give at the benefit and walking around all shady and shit.
Victoria comes to visit Emily and wanders around the house as if remembering a time there. Emily asks her why Victoria doesn’t like her, and Victoria says “motherly instinct.” Now here’s a kick in the head that struck me watching this scene. Several of you commented that you thought Charlotte might be David’s daughter and guilt may have caused Victoria not to bond with her. What if it is the opposite? What if Daniel is David’s son and that’s why she favors him, but Charlotte is Conrad’s and that is why she doesn’t like her? Hmmmm..
Victoria flashes back to a time when she was with David and he is looking for his PC – presumably the PC that was used to set him up. David asks Victoria to stay and get to know Amanda better, but she says that she hasn’t yet told Daniel that she is leaving his father. Then she hugs him and gets all shady looking.
SINCE I HAVE NEVER RUN A PIC OF DAVID, HERE YOU GO
Emily and Victoria “agree” to resolve their differences, and Emily reminds Victoria that they may be family some day. That night, Emily tells Daniel that he should forgive Victoria so that she will not have power over him.
Tyler meets with Nolan and thanks him for the clothes Nolan “bought” for he and Ashley with the stolen card. Tyler offers hot, hot man love in exchange for the clothes money, but Nolan says he just got rid of the crabs from last time, so no thanx.
THOSE WERE MILLIONAIRE CRABS, ASSHOLE
Tyler tries to get Nolan to invest in Grayson Global so he can win the contest against Daniel, but Nolan declines. As a last resort, Tyler tries desperately to tempt Nolan with his $9.99 manscaping job, but to no avail.
Charlotte is texting Declan that she is ready to bump uglies for reals when Victoria catches her and takes her phone and car keys. Victoria gives Lydia some poison medicine, but Lydia only pretends to take it, spitting it out after Victoria leaves the room.
Fauxmanda is at The Stowaway trying to get into Jack’s panties.
When Nolan appears like the wrath of Satan to warn her off.
Nolan tells Fauxmanda that Emily wants her gone, and when Emily wants someone gone, they go – usually spectacularly. Fauxmanda says she does things doggie style her own way, and that Emily needs to consider the ripple effect of trying to get rid of her.
Victoria shows up at The Stowaway looking for Declan. Apparently Southampton is larger than I realized because Victoria has never even met Jack or Declan. Victoria tells Jack that she needs to check out the pony her slutty daughter wants to ride and rushes upstairs with a six pack of PBR and a bottle of lube.
Now it is Declan’s turn:
Victoria offers to pay Declan but he says he cares for Charlotte more than he cares about Victoria’s experience money.
Nolan arrives home and plugs the camera he planted in his house into his computer. He is able to see Tyler at his computer and is able to read the benefit speech he has scanned into it.
Nolan immediately calls Emily and tells her about the speech and that Tyler did a search on David Clarke. Emily tells Nolan that he is probably going to use the info to blackmail Victoria and Grayson. Nolan tells her that Tyler was hitting him up for $20 million and Emily says Nolan should invest with him. Emily tells Nolan it is his responsibility to handle Tyler. Nolan says he already has and it wasn’t more than a fistful.
After Emily hangs up with Nolan she phones a mystery man and tells him she needs to see him.
Jack and Fauxmanda are out sailing and share their first kiss.
BOO HISS HORNS
Charlotte confronts Victoria and tells her Declan broke up with her. She says she is going out with friends because she does not want to be alone right now (I smell a ruse). Victoria takes her into her cold dead arms and “comforts” her.
LOOKS COMFORTING TO ME!
At the new investor’s event Daniel is speaking to a Japanese investor when Emily walks up. It is immediately clear to the knowing observer, which Daniel obvs is not, that they know each other, and that Emily can speak Japanese.
THE MYSTERY MAN, PERCHANCE?
Emily and the man, Satoshi Takeda, go to the bar and talk. She tells him that she is fearing that she is losing control. Satoshi replies that he had warned her that “revenge is a stony path” then tells her to go wax his car.
Nolan arrives at the party and finds Tyler. Tyler tells him not to waste his time if he is not interested in investing because there are a half dozen businessmen he could be blowing right now.
Victoria approaches Daniel and Emily and apologizes to Emily. Emily accepts and then leaves Daniel alone with Victoria. Before she leaves, however, she reminds Daniel that Victoria is the only mother he will ever have.
DANIEL LOOKS REALLY THRILLED AT THIS REVELATION
In Tyler’s room, Nolan tells Tyler that if he wants him to invest with him that Tyler needs to become his bitch. Tyler tells Nolan he will service him any time he wants.
AND WILL BE DAMNED THRILLED ABOUT IT, TOO
Tyler and Nolan kiss, and now it is Ashley’s turn:
Ashley freaks out, but Tyler stops her and tells her that he will do anything to “be in the game,” and that she should, too. He berates her for not doing the cooter dance with Victoria yet, and tells her to step it up. Ashley tells him she does not like fish and Tyler tells her to shut her pie hole.
THEN CONRAD WALKS UP TO THIS WARM RECEPTION
Conrad takes Daniel and Tyler aside. He tells them that Mr. Takeda liked Daniel but was not ready to commit, whereas Nolan is buying end. Congrats, Tyler. As he leaves, Tyler says, “Side out, bitch” to Daniel, prompting this:
WTF??? ARE WE IN THIRD GRADE?
Fauxmanda and Jack are on board The Amanda. Fauxmanda tells him that Nolan is not a friend of hers, that he knew her father and – dun, dun, dun – Jack did, too.
He guesses that she is Amanda, and Faux tells him, “I want to come home, Jack.”
OOOOO – BITCH DONE DID IT NOW
The event is over and Victoria goes to check on Lydia, only to discover Conrad has moved her to a safe place. Charlotte shows up ready to jump Declan like a circus monkey. Charlotte is in on the fact that Victoria gave him $25 grand to break up with her, and had encouraged Declan to take the cash and then pretend to break up. He says he will use the money to get a place by the beach. In Southampton. Yeah, riiight.
THERE YOU GO, DEC
Ashley is leaving the Grayson mansion when she stops Victoria and asks her why she hired her. Victoria tells her she is good at what she does and she is close to Emily. Ashley plants her butcher knife firmly into Emily’s back and suggests that Emily is out to “get something” from Daniel. Victoria suggests that she and Ashley go to brunch to discuss Emily further. Ashley says she will make the invitation and calls her “Victoria” for the first time. I guess fish is on the menu, after all!
Jack shows up at Emily’s door and tells her that the girl who used to own the house has come back, and introduces her to Fauxmanda. One last time, gang:
Flashback to the completion of the Emily/Amanda switch. After Fauxmanda leaves the hotel room, Emily takes a note out of the box:
Emily calls Takeda who tells her to come to Japan for training. In modern time, Emily is watching Fauxmanda and Jack out of her window, and admits to herself that she loves Jack.
Dun, dun, dun! What do you think, Gasmii? This is getting’ good! Opine, my friends, opine. Preferably after you wake up from your turkey comas but before the wine wears off! Kisses!