Recap: The A-List: Dallas

Well howdy, Gasmii!  Time for another thrilling episode!  First, I hope you all watched A Princess for Christmas, starring Sir Roger Moore, on Hallmark Channel.  If you didn’t, it will air again this month.  Please watch it and then come back here for my recap of that very special movie.

I’ve been without heat since last Thursday, and finally got the repair guy to come out today.  It’s been literally freezing here!  It almost fell to 30 last night!  30, people!!  Literally. Freezing.

The inside of my apartment.  Literally.

Of course, I did have the heat on this week’s ep to keep me warm.  And by heat I mean Zygote’s unbelievably tepid response to Levi’s love-makin’.  But I’m getting ahead of myself . . .

We open with Levi and Chase at the driving range, where margaritas are served.  Is that just in Dallas?  I’ve never been to a driving range that served alcohol.  Chase keeps swinging and missing, which he calls “strikes”.

“Strike” is what Elin did to me with this club.

Chase asks how Inchwear is doing, and Levi doesn’t mention last week’s meeting and the potential move to Florida.  Instead, he just talks about being dissatisfied with his customers being out of stock.  Chase says he would be happy to invest in Inchwear.  Levi shares that he’s not comfortable doing business with friends.  Not to worry, Levi.  You won’t be friends with Chase that much longer.

We then go to the Audubon Centre, where Zygote, Mo, Chase, Phillip and Ashley are attending a fashion show.  As I mentioned in the minicap, Ashley looks hideous.

Ashley and Chore.

The models in this “fashion show” move at a pace that suggests they are, in fact, zombies.  Hey, snort some coke and get your asses in gear!

This snail outpaced the models.  Feel the breeze!

Ashley asks Chase how it’s going with Levi.  Chase feels that it’s all right to be hurt if that means he’s putting himself out there.  Frankly, I think there is entirely too much emphasis on “putting yourself out there”.

Nothing wrong with staying at home.

Chase, if you want to find a good relationship, join a club, or play a sport – not golf! – or something that doesn’t involve hanging around in bars.  Also, if you think Levi is the answer, you have fallen into that river I mentioned last week.

Evidently.

And now we go to Ashley and Zygote, enjoying an al fresco bible study.  Ashley is telling Zyg to go to 2 Tim 2:22.  I suspect it’s because “2″ is the only number she can remember.  Here’s the verse:

You’re on The A-List: Dallas, Ashley, not The 700 Club! Good luck with that.

Too bad Ashley doesn’t know 1 Tim 2:9-10:

Words to live by, Ashley. Words to live by.

Zygote says he needs advice.  He went out with Mo for “the wrong reason” – revenge.  Zyg shares that Mo isn’t his typical type, but Zyg’s type right now is getting back at Chase, so Mo is his perfect  type right now.  Ashley tells him that’s wrong, and love is not a game.  She shares that Zyg has a “good sweet Christian heart” but sometimes he has “red devil horns”.  Sometimes?  Don’t you mean all the time?  She then suggests they pray.  And that’s when she asks God for heart facials and heart pedicures.

Here’s your answer:  No.

Commercial!  We return to Chore auditioning for a film.  He brings his own little bottle of booze.  Good thinking!  Auditions always work better when you’re drunk.

Also breaking into banks.

The movie is called Chubby Chasers.

Not Chevy Chasers, Chubby Chasers.  Get back to Community.

The “story” of this “film” is that a chubby loses his hot boyfriend, and then has to get back into the dating scene.  So I expect it’s a thoughtful meditation on the nature of love and loss, right?

Or not.

I talked about this in the minicap, but I want to emphasize how really uncomfortable this whole scene was.  What the hell kind of “film” was this?  Why did the guys have to dance?  Why did the guys have to cross their arms while talking about how much they like chubby guys?  Why was there no script?  Why did Chore look the most “actor-y” of the guys auditioning?  Why are they referring to these guys as “twinks” when Chore is the only attractive one in the bunch, and the others look none too young?  Why . . . oy.

After the audition, Chore shared that since acting seems to be working, why not go for it?

Well, it worked for him.

Now we go to Ashley, who’s telling Zyg that her friends have a horse refuge in San Antonio that’s taking in horses threatened by wildfires, and as a 5th generation Texan, Ashley feels she needs to help.  Zyg says he’ll help too.  However, he’s not willing to deal with manure.  That’s funny.  I thought all he did was deal in manure.  Ashley also wants to make sure Levi and Zyg will be ok.  Zyg says whatever Levi and Chase want is fine.  Ashley remarks that Levi and Chase are getting serious.  Zyg responds good, maybe Levi didn’t cheat on Zyg for no reason.  He also says he has “no emotions” about the situation.  Then Zyg learns Chase isn’t going to the ranch.

Now we see Chase – in that striped monstrosity!  First Ashley, and now Chase?  Does Logo hate us? My eyes hurt!  – and Levi, discussing the weekend.  Levi says he’s going to help at the horse refuge, and Chase says he can’t, one of his best friends from college is getting married, and he was going to bring Levi as his date.  Levi tries to talk Chase into going to the ranch, but Chase refuses again, and suggests Levi share a room with Zyg.  Chase then asks how Levi and Zyg are.  “Civil-ish”, responds Levi.  Then Chase asks Levi where they are.  I would have responded, “earth”.  Levi dodges the question, as he always does, and says he’s happy with the way things are.  Or not, based on your comments last week.  And your behavior later . . .

Commercial!  We return to Ashley and Chore.  They discuss the ranch.  Ashley tells Chore what to wear.  He’s been on a ranch before, Ashley.  Chore is convinced she wants to check his suitcase for booze.  Is this a ranch or San Simeon?  Chore shares that Ashley is like a “mother who eats her young”.  Ashley says she’s glad they’re getting away from the bars.  Honey, you already tried horse therapy last week.  Neigh!

They discuss Chore’s nascent acting career, and Ashley says she can put him in touch with acting coaches.

If only Lee were still alive.  He’s used to dealing with actors who like a drink now and again.

Oh, and Ashley is wearing hideous stripes.  Is that the long-lost sister to Chase’s outfit?  Enough with horizontal stripes!!

Horizontal stripes are no one’s friend.

Phillip, Zyg, Levi, Chore and Ashley show up at Brighter Days Horse Refuge.  Phillip is again wearing his one and only vest.

BUY ANOTHER ONE, DAMMIT!

They start by feeding horses, and then progress to shoveling manure.  Zyg spends most of his time standing around and checking his cellphone.  When he tries to “rake” Zyg aims the manure at Phillip.  Yep, Zygote is the perfect name for our Taylor.

Commercial.  We return to a Mexican restaurant, where Chore, Ashley, Zygote and Levi are having dinner. Ashley blesses her margarita.  Some mariachi serenade them, and Ashley thanks them with “gracias, amigos”.  Zygote tells her not to make fun of the men, and Levi explains she was saying “thank you, friends”.  Zyg then says “I don’t speak Mexican very well”.  Chore shares that no evening is ever complete without Zyg saying some dumbass comment.

Como se dice effing jackass?

Zygote then says let’s talk about the time Levi and Chore were together.  Everyone else ignores that, and Ashley says she’s really proud of them all.  Levi says it’s his first rescue trip, and Zyg interjects “I’m sure there’s plenty of people there for you to f–k”.  WTF? Is he so drunk he thinks the horses were people?  Levi responds that he’s there for the horses and Zyg says “you’ll probably try to ride one of those too”.  Yes, that’s what horses are for.  It’s not a sexual thing.

Levi then asks if Zyg got punched in the mouth, and says his lips are awful (gestures).  Big?  Chapped?  Bruised?  Chore, still the most perceptive guy in this series, shares that the tension between Levi and Zyg is disgusting, and it’s like they’re f–king each other with words.  I laugh and I agree.

Levi leaves the table.  Zyg tries to defend himself, and Ashley retorts that he and Levi are fighting like they’re married, and they have “something unfinished”.  Their bed the next morning, I assume?  Zyg says that’s the problem, he and Levi always have something unfinished.  Ashley orders him to work it out, because she’s not dealing with that tomorrow (rescue day #2).  Oh, did I mention Ashley is wearing a tutu?  Demented ballerina, glad to see you again.

Commercial.  We return to Chore and Ashley going to bed.  Not with each other!  EW!  And now we see the starcrossed lovers, Zyg and Levi, as they stroll along the Large Large.  And can I just say here, not being fluent in Spanish is one thing.  Living in Texas, or California, or any border state and not knowing any Spanish?  Just plain ignorant.  Or, in “Mexican”, simplemente ignorantes.  They get into their usual argument:  Levi is rude.  Oh and again “monogamously dating” makes its appearance.  S T F U!  Levi lied!  Deal with it!  Zyg then says he hopes Levi and Chase will be a great couple, to which Levi responds that he and Chase will never be a couple.  More blah blah blah and then Levi moves in.  Zyg has a less than enthusiastic response:

He backs away.  It’s just like Scarlett repelling one of the Tarleton Twins.

That doesn’t dissuade Levi, though it should have.

Think of England.

And they end returning to Levi’s room.  Doing, in other words, the exact same thing Zyg has complained about for, what, 6 eps now? Twofaced lying jackass.  And you too, Levi.

Now for the final scene, Chase and Levi.  Levi hasn’t seen Chase since the rescue weekend.  Chase asks about the weekend, and Levi gives his usual non-answers.  They had margaritas.  No one had a threesome.  It was better than he thought it would be.  At one point the waiter brings a literal boat of food, and Chase comments “we’re going to sail right into obesity”.  Good one!  Then he asks Levi how he and Zyg got along, and Levi says fine.  Apparently friends pulled them together.  Excuse me while I throw up.  Levi also says he wouldn’t have hung out with Zyg alone(?!?) and that he’s still pissed off at Zyg.  Chase responds that he doesn’t give an f about Zyg, that he is a narcissistic idiot, Chase doesn’t trust backstabbers, and Zyg is an ignorant snake.

Meet the other backstabbing ignorant snake in your life.

Well, that was an interesting ep!  I’m not sure how may more eps there are, but we’ve got at least one.  Hopefully that will include Chase kicking Zyg’s ass.  Or having Phillip do it for him.  From the previews it’s Ashley again trying to “help” Chore, and Zyg meeting with Ann Coulter.  For reals.

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