The A-List: Dallas Recap: Giddyap Horsey

This will never again be Levi.

Hi, Gasmii!  There’s certainly lots to talk about from this week’s A-List.  We’ll get into the recap in a sec, but first the exciting announcement I promised!

I am honored obligated was blackmailed into recapping a Hallmark Christmas movie entitled A Princess for Christmas, which premieres this Saturday, December 3, on (of course) Hallmark Channel.  The movie stars Sir Roger Moore in, as Hallmark puts it, “his triumphant return to television” but may actually be “his return to television because James Bond didn’t pay as well as people imagine”.  The film also features characters called Paisley Winterbottom, Ashton Huntingdon and Lady Arabella Marchand du Belmont.  I’d love it if you’d check out this movie (it airs multiple times in December), and then join me back here later in December for a fun-filled recap.  Snarks a’plenty for the holidays!  Also, my fellow recappers will be recapping other Christmas specials and movies.  It’s a sleigh full of goodies just for you.

Until then, we have more A-List: Dallas drama.  And frankly, some just plain boredom.  Pour yourself a cup of very strong coffee.  Here’s our drinking game today:  see how many times horses are mentioned.

We open with Ashley, who’s shopping for boots, accompanied by Levi.  She wants pink boots.  Levi doesn’t want her to get pink boots.  Guess who wins?  Ashley really asked Levi to accompany her to discuss his lying to her and to Zygote.  Levi responds that he does “pretty good” minding his own business, Ashley should mind her own business, and Zygote got what he deserved because (again with the lie) Zyg cheated on Levi the first time they were together.  Is Levi related to this person?

‘Cause he lies about as much as she does.

Ashley tells Levi never to lie to her again, and then asks a favor:  she wants Levi to help influence Chore in a positive way (Levi?  HAHAHA) and thinks horse (1) riding will be different and fun. She sees it as a “secret service swat team mission”.  Ashley is a genius.  Horseback riding is the #1 cure to alcoholism!

Mostly filled with stories of horsies.

Levi says fine to the horse riding expedition; he’s been thinking about getting back into rodeo anyway.  I take that to mean he plans on roping Chore.  Sadly, that doesn’t turn out to be the case. Speaking of roping, there’s a restaurant down the street from me that is right next to an S&M leather shop.  I am still waiting for their co-promotion:  “It’s family day!  Come in for a meal and we’ll be giving away free ball gags to the kids!”

We then go to Zygote, who’s meeting with Clark, David and Rob, who are Log Cabin Republicans.  Zyg shares that he doesn’t share all their political positions, but “a client is a client”.  They are gay republicans.  You are a gay republican.  Which part of that do you not share with them?

As I mentioned in the Minicap, I was very surprised to see these so-called “Log Cabin” guys.  No syrup of any kind, Log Cabin or not.  No plaid lumberjack shirts.  No Lincoln-y clothes.  If these folks want to advance their group they would do well to dress the part!  Get a little attention.  Also, serve pancakes with Log Cabin syrup.  Who doesn’t love that?

I usually use real maple syrup, but when I go lo-cal I use Log Cabin.  Their sugar free is surprisingly good.

I know what you’re thinking, another PennyDreadful digression, delightful but not always on point.  Hold on there a minute, pal!  Log Cabin syrup was named for the same guy the Log Cabin Republicans were –

Yes, Abraham Lincoln!  Now do you see why the Log Cabin Republicans should totally be carrying around syrup?  Hah!

Or they could dress as Lincoln.

Like Gabe from The Office.  Resemblance is eerie.

And finally, there’s always the traditional log-cabin-building lumberjack look.

“I cut down trees, I skip and jump, I like to press wild flowers, I put on women’s clothing, and hang around in bars”.  Works for me.

Zyg and the Loggers discuss how being a gay republican means coming out twice, and if you’re a Christian that means you come out 3 times.  Or, you could just say it all at the time you initially come out.

Zyg wants a “really sexy” republican to date.

Here you go.  Just don’t ever get cancer.

One of the Loggers asks Zyg if he goes to the gay church, and he scornfully says no, “leave it to the gay church to have a laser show for Easter”.

I think that’s pretty cool, actually.  Oh wait, that’s the real Easter!

Zyg shares he enjoys speaking with intellectually stimulating guys instead of Levi’s ignorant ramblings.  Levi does stimulate you in other ways though, doesn’t he, Zyg?

Talk turns to what they say when people disparage them with “how can you be both gay and a conservative?”  One of the Loggers says you can’t have equality without prosperity and he’s not a single-issue voter.

Not a single-issue voter either.  Wants food AND a place to live.

Then Zyg pipes up to say that he refuses to live on a “Democrat plantation and be their slave because I’m a gay man”.

Really?  A plantation?  For your edification, Zyg, here’s a short list of people who’ve been oppressed in “plantations” in this country:

African-American folks like Frederick Douglass, enslaved on plantations.

Native Americans, thrown out of their ancestral homes and forced to live on reservations.

Japanese-Americans, forced to live in internment camps.

All people of color. No white guy has ever been be forced to be a “slave” on a “plantation” in this country, and to say otherwise is just insufferably racist and insulting to the huge groups of people – American citizens – who were enslaved in this country.  Remarks like this just aren’t cute or amusing or witty.  I actually think I get what Zyg really meant to say, but his analogy was just so inapposite and inappropriate I can’t see any humor in it at all.

More conservative talk.  Blah blah.  They do make the point that they’re out there and showing non-gay folks gays are just the same as they are.  Stick to that, Zygote.  Lay off the analogies.

We go to a ranch, where Levi, Ashley, Chore and Brayden are going to ride (2).  Why does Brayden not have a bigger role in this series?  He adds a spark to the eps he’s in.

Team Brayden!

And he’s apparently never ridden a horse.  Brayden does manage to mount Levi’s horse – really, his horse, not his – ok, everyone mounts up gets on the horses and off we go.  Chore shares that he doesn’t know why they’re doing this, but he’s sure Ashley put Levi up to it.  Again Chore = smartest guy on the show.

Levi talks about getting back into rodeo.  After his serious accident where he broke his back though, it’s not clear if he can.

Ashley shares that “you can lead a horse (3) to water but you can’t stop him from drinking”.  Um, not so much.  I do know, though, that you can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think. Ring any bells, Ashley?

Commercial.  We return to Ashley, Levi and Chore, at dinner.  She’s going to “voluntellis” them.  She works with an organization that provides AIDS relief to Africa, and wants to auction off her “pretty boys” for charity.  Chase and Phillip were “voluntold” yesterday, apparently.  I want to “volunsmack” Ashley for making up stupid words.

After they all make gratuitous fun of Phillip, Ashley asks Levi what he could offer for the auction.  Levi suggests taking someone horseback riding (4) for an afternoon.  Ashley asks Chore what he’s offering and he says he can use his connections to get them into any bar they want to go to.  Well, yes, but usually these auction things involve a bit more than a martini.  Ashley says Zyg works with “hundreds and thousands” of dollars and could “totally feed Africa”.  Levi says Zyg works with millions, and offers her $100 to keep Zyg out of the event.  Ashley then orders the guys to tan and work out.  At this point, Chore raises his shirt and shows us that he is, in fact, working out.  Then Ashley prays over the nachos.

Mi padre, gracias por los avocados y crema!

Now we got to Levi, who’s meeting with Wade, who is part of the international gay rodeo (5) circuit.  Wade tells Levi steer wrestling is out, but he perhaps could do other events.  There’s one where the guy puts underwear on a goat. I am not making this up. It’s called Goat Dressing.  Levi wants to do a more classic event.  Can’t blame you there, pal.

We switch to Phillip and Levi.  What the hell?  Levi, do you ever, ever work?  They talk about dating.  Levi says he’s dating for the long term.  I assume by that “long term” he means a week.  Levi says he hasn’t talked to Chase for a couple of days.  Phillip warns him not to break Chase’s heart.  Too late, Phillip.  It’s inevitable.  Levi deliberately tells Phillip he’ll never call Chase a boyfriend, knowing that’ll get back to Chase.  Coward.

Let’s recap.  In ep 1, we learned that Levi and Chore had a thing, but Levi denied it and humiliated Chore.  In eps 2-5, we saw Levi and Zyg together, but Levi was cheating on and lying to him.  In eps 6-8, Levi is with Chase, but getting bored and has Phillip doing his dirty work.

I loved ‘em and left ‘em happy. You, not so much.

Commercial.  We return to Ashley, who’s meeting with other folks at Compassion 54, the charity she’s associated with.  They have an incredibly boring conversation about the upcoming event, the venue, etc.  Want to hear about it?  Of course not.  I didn’t either so I missed the part where it went from an auction to speed dating.  That explains my puzzlement when I was running through the ep for the Minicap.   I just completely missed this change of plan.  More blah blah, let’s just skip ahead to Levi, Phillip, Wade and Chase, and Phillip’s friend John, at the polo grounds (6).

Polo, the sport of kings.  As is horse racing.  So pretty much anything horse-related is royal, apparently.

I suppose that makes pony rides the “sport of princes”.

It’s also chock-full of excitement.  Like this:

Exciting AND royal.  That’s Prince Harry.

Only The A-List: Dallas could take a thrills-and-chills sport and turn it into something so deadly boring ajfdklfjklrejeljwlfd

Oh sorry, lapsed into a coma there.  So at the polo grounds, the guys essentially ignore the action and have another series of convos about relationships.  John asks if Levi and Chase are dating, Levi says “eh together” and says he wouldn’t use the “d” word.  Again with “if I don’t call it dating it isn’t”?  You just pulled that on Zyg!  Phillip asks Chase how things are going.  Chase says he and Levi are “real similar”, aren’t exclusive and don’t pretend to be.  Phillip says Levi feels Chase likes him more than he likes Chase, and says he’s concerned about Chase.  Chase says he likes Levi a lot and they’ve been friends a long time.  He shares that he’s offended by Phillip.

Chase and Levi take a walk.  Phillip shares that Chase is just chasing after Levi and Levi will end up dumping him.  Chase brings up Phillip’s remarks to Levi.  Chase tells Levi “you can do whatever you want to do and I can do whatever I want to do.  Whatever we’re doing, whatever it is, it’s not a big deal until it becomes a big deal”.  Oh honey.  Watch out, you’re going to fall in the river!

De Nile, of course.

Levi shares that Chase may be more emotionally involved than he is.  Levi, a rock would be more emotionally involved than you.  He tells Chase that his boat doesn’t have any boyfriends on it.  O M G enough with these convoluted analogies!  Can’t anyone  just speak plainly?

Besides you.

Commercial.  And we return to the speed dating event.  It doesn’t seem that well-attended.  Admittedly it’s the first one, but they really need to do a better job publicizing it.  Chase wants his badge to say “666″ and runs that only mildly amusing joke into the ground. Ashley asks Chase where Levi is, and learns he isn’t showing up.  Ashley feels Chase should have “some control over his man”.  Chase says he doesn’t control Levi, and he, Chase showed up with his friends.  He also says he’s sexually attracted to a guy’s hair.

Speaking of hair, Zygote has a hairstyle that I really can’t describe.  It looks very close to this though:

They had to use a low flow showerhead.  What’s your excuse?

The guys start their speed dating.  Chase is all over one of his matches.  Get his number!  You’ll be needing it pretty soon, I’d say.  At one point, Chase and Zyg are matched.  Chase brings up Levi, and blah blah shut the f up.  Zyg shares that Chase needs his validation so Chase knows Zyg isn’t coming back for seconds.

After the dating ends, the guys share another drink.  Chore says sleeping with Phillip would be like sleeping with a loudspeaker.  I actually laugh out loud.  Then Chase says to Zyg what we’ve all been thinking, “honey I love you, but don’t ever do your hair like that again”.

Commercial.  And we’re back with Levi meeting with Kevin, who’s interested in investing in Inchwear.  We learn that Inchwear is based in Ft. Lauderdale, where Levi’s 2 partners are.  Levi visits Florida intermittently, and there are problems that his partners don’t seem to be handling.  Apparently the factory ran out of underwear fabric – what, was it all used up for Goat Dressing? – and used swimsuit fabric for underwear.  Kevin says he thinks Levi should move to Florida full time to run the business, and is himself Florida-based.

I have my fingers crossed this means we will never see Levi again – yay!  But I have a sinking feeling either he will not move, or Logo will then launch The A-List: Ft. Lauderdale.  No freakin’ way I’m recapping that one!

We then go to Levi – again – talking with Chase about the speed dating event.  Everyone’s ok with everything and . . .

Our final scenes take place in the office of Dr. Shippy, a chiropractor.

Look!  He has a horse (7) on his shirt!

Levi is consulting him about what impact his back injury would have on returning to rodeo (8).  After taking x-rays, Dr. Shippy bluntly tells Levi that roping is out, as is all riding (risk of falling) and all high impact sports (ditto).  If Levi further injures himself, he could be permanently disabled, and within 10 years.  Levi decides that he can’t re-enter rodeo.

Here’s your new sport, Levi.

And on that downer note, our ep ends.  Join me again next week for another thrill-packed installment.  And don’t forget to watch A Princess for Christmas!  See you next week!

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