Howdy, Gasmii! Welcome to the newest A-List: Dallas recap. Thanks so much to everyone who left comments on last week’s recap! Loved reading them!
But first, some research because the question was asked if Chore was wearing the same outfit in eps 1 and 2. Why yes, he was:
And again in ep 2:
Which leads me to the conclusion that either this entire series was filmed in one day, or that Chore needs to get some new clothes.
Let’s move on to this week, another cluster-f of emotion. And poo.
We open at the party, with Phillip and Levi still hugely angry. Phillip is deciding what action to take, and finally concludes that although he’s livid, “punching Taylor would be like punching a 14 year old girl”, so after saying Taylor was lucky he missed his face, Phillip and Leo leave, which is sad as now Phillip will never know what DJs hear in headphones. Seeing a dream deferred is heartbreaking.
Levi attempts to rough up Taylor, but Ashley gets between them, and Levi walks away. He later says he can’t really hit someone he has feelings for. But Levi, those feelings are anger and loathing. Those are perfectly good reasons to pop Taylor one. Plus, even if you liked Taylor before, wouldn’t the “prank” have killed those feelings? Another good reason to deck Taylor. Levi is just glad “nobody knows we’re dating”. Right, if by “nobody” you mean “no one who was not at either party and saw Levi and Taylor making out both times”. You really kept it on the down low, you two.
We now go to Ashley and Chore in a clothing store. Buying a new party outfit? Mais non, since it’s a women’s clothing store. That said, Chore is doing all the trying on. He looks really good in that belt. Ashley, not so much. Did they come in just to try on one item? Which, BTW, Ashley does not buy. So you made them open up/empty out a store so you could not buy something. Good going there. Chore shares that Ashley is an “untouched little girl who has thrown herself into one of the most vicious and destructive lifestyles in the world”. She’s not a nun, Chore!
I'm the innocent untouched one in this room, missy!
Chore tells Ashley that he’s met a guy named Jared. OMG Chore is dating the Subway guy! Free subs for life!
I can fill you up in more ways than one.
Chore also feels that finding love is hard in the gay community. Lemme tell ya, pal, it ain’t any easier in the straight community. And our guys look way less attractive than gay men.
I'm your dream date, straight gals!
Innocent Flower then gives Chore her dating advice. He should bring a present. Chore seems taken aback by that. Ashley says that once, on a first date, a guy gave her a diamond necklace. Chore sensibly says that the guy wanted to shag Ashley, not date her. Innocent Flower then recommends Chore go slow, completely contradicting her advice of 2 seconds ago. Good going. Later, Chore says he is going to stop asking his friends for advice. That is the most sensible thing anyone has said in this entire series.
Now we’re at Chase’s place, and Phillip has asked to stop by. Phillip apologizes for his “This. Is. Not. Over!” behavior at the party. After all, it was a matter of Ferragamos. Ferragamos, people! Also a phone and a Burberry polo. Chase says he feels Phillip’s behavior was totally justified, and opines that Taylor “is the most insecure, lying, manipulative boy bitch I have ever had the displeasure of knowing”. That is exactly what I think about Taylor, and also a gal I work with. Separated at birth! Phillip says Taylor behaves like a 7 year old girl. So in one day, Taylor has gone from being like a 14 year old to a 7 year old. Another couple of days and he’ll have the maturity of a zygote.
Levi is talking with Ashley about doing promotional photos for Inchwear. OK, first she’s not a fashion photographer. Second, as we’ll see later, not much of any kind of a photographer. Third, you get what you pay for in photography. Fourth, does Ashley ever actually work? How does she have all day to spend flitting between gay and gay like a demented bee?
Levi meets up with Phillip and asks him to be the model. Phillip agrees.
Now we go to Ashley – yes again - little demented bee is with yet another gay guy – and she’s trying to discuss the party. Taylor says he was just “trying to get the party started”, although by my recollection his misbehavior was several hours into the party, so it had in fact “started”. He also says it was a “prank gone wrong”. No, Taylor, it’s not “prank”, it’s “pr-ck”. And you’re it.
Flipit won't let me post a photo of an actual pr-ck, so here's a photo of jerky since Taylor is also a big fat jerk. And a liar. And what the hell is up with the bowtie? This is teriyaki jerky, BTW. Now I'm hungry.
And now we come to Phillip and his friend discussing Phillip’s modeling gig. Phillip wants to lose a few pounds quickly. His friend recommends a colonic, and then follows that up with a question that was so incredible I had to stop the program, rewind, and listen again. She wants to know if the “water” will come out one’s ears or nose. Answer: yes! Everyone knows that the eustacian tubes are directly connected to the large intestine! Those Texas schools are really top-rate, aren’t they?
I already think this gal makes Ashley look like a freaking Rhodes Scholar. And then she says that a friend of hers had a colonic and a Barbie shoe, that the friend had swallowed as a child, came out. I’m not a doctor but I am pretty sure that a Barbie shoe would not stay in one’s colon for, oh, 20 years and if it did, how could anyone ever see it because by its nature, a Barbie shoe is miniature? And wouldn’t it be obscured by the other, oh, material?
I already think this subject is super gross. However, at PennyDreadful Snarking Inc., we go the extra mile for our readers, so I did some research on whether a Barbie shoe, or any object, could remain in the colon for decades. I could not find any indication that an object would remain for more than a few weeks (and those would be coins and other items that are large enough to lodge in a child’s intestines).
What doctors find in a colonoscopy, at least in Texas.
I just realized I spent a half hour on research to respond to one line in the show. But really, Logo, you mention stray Barbie shoes, you open the poo floodgates. I am going to email a copy of this recap to that Dr. Oz guy too to get his thoughts. And what’s up with him, who has the last name of “Oz” apart from a guy whose first name is “Wizard”? Also, does he have any kids and, if so, are they named Em and Dorothy and Toto? Please say yes.
Well, we’re finished with the poo for a while, and we go to Chore on his date with Jared. Shocker – it is not the Subway Jared! Nary a sandwich in sight. Chore asks Jared what he thinks of him, and Jared says “a little crazy”. Warning bell! But Chore disregards that and says Jared is husband material. O M F G you did not say that! Danger Will Robinson! Danger! Jared is apparently moving to New York, and Chore asks how it would work if they got serious. Jared gives him a look that clearly says please let’s get this dinner over with. This doesn’t bode well for Chore.
And then we see Phillip at the colonic. Enough poo in this ep, let’s skip to the Inchwear photos. Ashley doesn’t look like a fashion photographer to me. Later, I am proved right.
And we’re on to Ashley (again, does this chick ever work? or clean the house? cook? spend any time with her husband?), Chore and Phillip discuss Chore’s date. Jared said he just wanted to be friends. Chore isn’t happy. I feel for ya, pal. “Friends” my ass. We all know what that means. I’m still waiting for a call from a guy I had one date with in 1986, who said he would call. Still waiting. Did I mention that I never married?
Oooh, now Chase is at Taylor’s house! Taylor actually asks if Chase is angry about what happened at the party! I am now convinced that Taylor is the biggest douche in Texas. Chase points out that he hasn’t, until now, received even an email from Taylor, much less an apology.
I typed the word “dumbass” in my iPhone notes. I can’t remember if Chase said that, or if I just thought that, but it’s applicable in either case. Taylor then says Chase reminds him of his mother. Oh, you mean someone with values and class? Chase says he’s at the breaking point. If only he would act that out by breaking something over Taylor’s head . . . but no. Chase leaves.
Here's a broken glass, Chase. Now grind it into Taylor's face. Please.
Now we’re with Chore, who’s visiting a life coach, Erin. They do affirmations and that seems to help him. Life coaches can be great. Good for Chore for taking a positive step!
Taylor again. I hate him. This time he’s talking to Levi and repeating the “prank gone bad” lie. I am taking the opportunity to repeat: not “prank”, “pr-ck”. Inexplicably, Levi interviews that Taylor came off sincere. Really? Wow, the sex must really be good.
Levi is now discussing the photos and learns the bad but not in any way surprising news that Ashley can’t photograph. See, Levi, that’s why people like Mario Testino make so much money. Because they are actual professional photographers, not some little dillettante!
THIS is what good photography looks like. Also, Diana was 1000 times the lady Ashley will ever be. And smarter. And prettier. And a better dancer. And more articulate. And an actual princess.
And finally we come to the closing scene, featuring Taylor (HATE! HATE!) speaking with Phillip. Taylor interviews that Levi asked him to apologize to Phillip and “as a Christian” he thinks its a great idea. Hold it, as a Christian? How in three episodes, apart from one prayer, have you said or done anything even remotely “Christian”? It’s people like you that give Christianity a bad name. And Texans. And gay guys. And politicians. Oh wait, they already have a bad name.
Please Father, just get rid of Taylor.
On with the scene. Phillip says Taylor’s actions were evil and childish, and mentions his Ferragamos, his watch (luckily water resistant, but still), his phone, and the fact that he was humiliated in front of Leo. Again – for at least the THIRD TIME – with Taylor’s “prank” statement. I reference my prior statement. Phillip says he reached out to Levi, and Taylor shares that he’s dating Levi. Well, first of all, it was one appetizer picnic. Second, what happened to all the “down low” stuff? Oh right you’re a big fat liar. And we end the ep.
After 3 eps, here’s my opinion of each of the principals:
Chase. Acerbic, well-spoken, classy. Hair needs to be fixed.
Chore. Could lay off the booze a bit, but I think genuinely a nice guy. Needs new party clothes.
Taylor. I think you know my thoughts on this one.
Ashley. Just go away.
Phillip. Pretty drama-queen-esque, but also very funny.
Levi. Not the deepest thinker in the bunch.
That’s all for now! See you next week!