Recap: The A-List: Dallas

So glad to be back with you all!  First, I want to thank everyone who reads these recaps, and the great group of folks who’ve commented lately:  Derek, kthxbai, D11N, 2hyper, Kyudo1, and James (our very own Chore).  Really makes it so much fun for me!

So to update, last week (November 8, ep 5) Chore told his friend Brayden he had gone to a life coach, and was trying to find his passion.  Since he’s out and about anyway, Chore thinks club promoting is a good fit.  Later, Chore shares this with Phillip, who is less than enthused.

Everyone goes to Mickey Gilley’s, which is amazingly empty, to hang out.  They take turns riding the mechanical bull.  Chase says he can add, subtract and ride a bull.  Eh.  I can add, subtract and shoot a man through the eye at 5 yards.  Folks get drunk (I know, quelle surprise!).  Ashley, queen of the mistimed moment, talks to Levi about his nip comments.  “That’s what a straight guy does”.  No, they don’t, not if they have any manners and class.  Ashley also tells Levi she wants to “start fresh” and have him as her “girlfriend”.  Ashley, gay men are not women.  They are men.  What you’re telling Levi is that you only want gay men in your life if they are neutered.  That’s reprehensible.  You really need to deal with your issues.

I suggest this as your bedtime reading.

Phillip and Chore have a drink, and Phillip complains that Chore doesn’t return his calls even though he (Chore) is tweeting.  Phillip, did you ever stop to think it’s because you’re calling that he’s not answering?  Just sayin’.

Earlier, Phillip shared with Ashley that he’d only had one boyfriend and has a huge fear of rejection.  He also talked with Chase about how his mom really doesn’t accept that he’s gay.  Phillip also mentions that his dad is coming to visit.

Chase says that he has no contact with his family at all:  parents, siblings, grandparents.  They don’t want to hear/accept that he’s gay, and they have told him he’s going to hell.  Funny that Jesus never said one word about gays or lesbians.  Not. One. But I guess Jesus isn’t good enough for those kind of folks.

I’m in favor of gay marriage. Just so you know.

Phillip talks with his therapist later on.  He wants to come out to his mom, but thinks his mom already knows he is gay.  Well, she may or may not.  Plus, Phillip feels he can’t share most of his life with his mom.  It’s all right (although not spoken about) that he’s gay just so long as he isn’t true to himself.  Hisss!!  At the end of the ep, we meet Phillip’s dad, who is just freaking wonderful.  When Phillip came out to him, his dad said eh, what else is new.  He tells Phillip to stop beating himself up, and that he loves Phillip.  Phillip starts to cry here, and I have to say I misted up too.

Zygote is still oblivious to Levi’s betrayal, and is conveniently going out of town the weekend of Chore’s party.  You poor deluded sap.

This is what you’ll look like next week.  Well, not exactly because this guy is way better-looking than you are.  The surprised and disgusted bit, that’s what you’ll look like.

Chore’s party at Brick turned out well.

But just in case it didn’t, he wore camo so he’d blend into the background.

Chase and Levi take the opportunity to make out in the alley behind Brick.  Ashley sees them and is shocked – shocked! that this is happening.

Lawdy, Aunt Pittypat, those gays are a’ kissin’!

And that was pretty much it for ep 5.

Before we get into this week’s ep, I have a suggestion for next season.  What this show really needs is a guy who knows his way around a piece of wood.  Get your minds out of the gutter – I mean literally.  Allow me to introduce:

Hi!  I’m Nelson Nelson!

Yes, his name really is Nelson Nelson.  He makes furniture.  He appears on Donna Decorates Dallas, which my friends and I call Debbie Does Dallas. Donna is a “decorator” who makes everything she touches look godawful.  Nelson Nelson is her partner in crime, crafting pseudo-gothic monstrosities.

Just a little something for your breakfast nook.

Adding Nelson Nelson will give a whole new dimension to the show.  A heavy carved Ye Olden Medieval type dimension, but a new dimension nonetheless.  Plus, we could find out why his parents hated him so much they couldn’t be bothered to give him a first name.  So whaddya say, Logo?

And now on to ep 6!

We open with Chore and Brayden at a pool.  Brayden is pretty stylish.  Chore says Brayden reminds him of “that old hag”, and by that he means Joan Rivers.  Well, Brayden is wearing a very pretty bracelet that does look mighty close to ones in Joan’s QVC collection. . .

Old hag?  Let’s see what you turn into in 20 years, a–hole.

Chore says that because his party at Brick went well, he’s continuing his new career in Austin with another show.  Chore says he’s tired of people criticizing him for his trust fund, and he feels by doing that, they are dissing his family. Brayden supports Chore’s new career, and cautions Chore shouldn’t get too drunk at these events.  Given recent weeks’ eps, I don’t think that’ll be an issue.  Remember what happened the last time someone warned Chore about drinking?  Precisely.  Zygote.

Speaking of, we go to his house.  Levi is over, and they’re going to watch a movie.  Zygote sets the mood by talking about politics.  That is a super turn on!

Politics turns me on.  Of course, pretty much everything/one does.  Got a blue dress?

We turn to Chase and Phillip, who are in a restaurant.  Phillip talks about his amazing dad and what an impact he had on Phillip.  Chase then talks about his family, and how he tried for 5 years to reconcile with them, 5 years of them saying they loved him but he was going to hell.  Chase released it because he got to a place “of taking a certain amount of pills where you kind of hope you don’t wake up”.  I have actually been in a place like that, and it’s awful beyond belief.  That anyone would beat down a person so that seems like a good option is just so wrong.

And we go from a profound, moving moment to Chase’s house, where skank Levi joins him.  Chase is going to LA for a few days, and Levi is going to Chore’s Austin party.  Chase thinks Zyg is cray-cray and he, Chase, doesn’t want to be on that train.

Are you sure?

Chase shares that Zygote is not worthy of Levi.  Levi shares he gets along so much better with Chase.  Apparently Zyg is better in bed though.  Jackass.  Chase agrees to go to Austin.

I’m better in bed than Chase!  WINNING!  Or at least I think so.

Commercial.  We return to Ashley and Levi taking a walk.  They discuss Chore’s Brick party.  Ashley says she saw Levi and Chase in the back alley.  Levi says she’s mistaken.  Ashley presses him.  Levi shares that he feels Zyg told Ashley to spy on him.  He again denies to Ashley that he was in the alley, and suggests Ashley get glasses.  What a terrible liar Levi is!  I don’t mean he’s terrible for lying, he does it so badly that even Ashley can see through him.

We go to Chore, who’s visiting his mom.  He talks about his new career.  His mom is supportive, but says he can’t give up when things get tough.  Chore talks about all his cousins being successful, and thinks his dad is disappointed with him.  His mom tells Chore they love him and always will.  Two great parents in two weeks!

Ash is having dinner with Chase, and of course she has to pray first.  Something about blessing the convo.  Right after, she brings up the Levi-Chase-Zygote triangle, which is a “very big issue” for her even though she is neither Chase, nor Levi nor Zygote.  Chase says he loves Levi as a friend and doesn’t want to lose that.  Ashley says she can’t believe what they’re doing to Zygote.  Chase reasonably points out he’s not responsible for Levi’s actions.  Ashley cautions Chase that Levi will cheat on him, too. Chase gets all snippy and says whomever cries the most, gets Ashley’s support.  Perhaps – but it’s more how can she insert herself into other people’s business, that’s her real motivator.  It’s all about control, baby.  Don’t let the “bless your heart, sugar” Scarlett O’Hara-type talk fool you.

She’ll cut a b-tch.

Commercial.  Now the whole gang is in Austin at Hush, where Chore is giving his second party.  What the hell is Ashley wearing?  A tutu.  A freaking tutu.

Looks a lot like this.

They all enter the bar and start getting liquored up.  This bodes well.  Oh, and they brought Dallitude.  I bring Phillytude.  Guess who would win in a bar fight?

Pray tell, dost thee want a smackdown?

Ballerina Girl makes a beeline for Zygote, asking him how it’s going with him and Levi.  Zyg says he’s a relationship person and Levi isn’t.  At that point, we see Levi coming on to other guys.  Wow, that’s a shocking change of charac — oh wait, it’s not.

We go to Chase and Levi, discussing Zygote.  Chase says he feels Levi is leading Zyg on.  Levi wants to see if things will change.  What “things”, you drunken fool?  Levi says there’s chemistry between him and Zygote and he “hates” it.  WhatEVER.

And now we go back to Ashley, spilling the back alley beans to Zygote which, of course, spurs him on to confront Levi.  Zyg complains to Levi that he’s been ignored all evening, to which Levi responds that the bartender is great.  Thanks, King Nonsequitur.  Zyg also comments on Levi’s drunkenness.  But honey, drunkenness for Levi is like breathing for everyone else.  Natural and constant.  Zygote then says what he heard from Ashley.  Levi says Zyg is “full of s–t”.  Zyg says if Levi doesn’t want to date, just tell him.  Levi retorts “I don’t want to date – you“.

D-ckwad.

Zygote then says he feels they make better friends, can they just agree to that?  Levi disagrees and says they make better “f” buddies.  Zyg shares that he’s not just a piece of ass.  He shouts that he’s tired of being stepped on.  Levi replies “then get out from under my boot”.  Zyg shoots back with “your cheap-ass boot”, at which point Levi turns back to Chase like Zygote isn’t even there.  Zygote then says that Levi isn’t educated and is a nobody, and so is Inchwear.  Levi says (well, slurs really) “Inchwear, my national corporation”?  Levi, having a website doesn’t make you “national” or “from coast to coast”.  He then mocks Zyg as “I’m gay, I’m a Republican and I’m asking you for money” and shares that Zygote “pushed my buttons like a cash register, now he got his change”.

Here’s your change.  In blood.

Levi continues “I’m me, I’m doing my thing, you can just walk away and f-ck you”.  Levi, if there were any way we could just walk away from you while still watching this show, you can bet we would.

Here’s an exclusive look inside Levi’s heart.

Commercial.  And we’re back to Zygote talking with Chase.  Chase wants to be sure Zyg is ok and he apologizes for what Levi said.  He also tells Zygote that he’s been seeing Levi because it would “betray myself” if Chase didn’t say something.  Chase then goes on to say he hopes Zyg finds someone who makes him happy.  Zyg transparently lies and says everything is fine.  I fight the urge to vomit.

We go to Phillip and Zygote, who discuss what has gone on.  Phillip shares that he doesn’t date (my word) skanks.  Good to know!  Zyg says Chase is a heartless, liberal, atheist bitch.  So you really like him!  BFFS4EVAH!  Zyg says he feels like an idiot, and then cries, which makes Phillip angry at Chase.

And now we get the first occurrence of “whore”, as Phillip tells Levi he’s a whore for doing what he did to Zygote.   Levi just responds by kissing Chase, probably because he’s so drunk he can’t string 2 words together.

Commercial.  And now we come to the closing scenes of this ep. Levi and Chase are discussing the previous evening’s events.  Chase mentions Zyg said he went on 2 dates with Levi.  Levi says “date” isn’t the word he’d use.  I really can’t understand what the hell he’s saying, since he’s still slurring his words.  Also, I’m just so irritated with him I couldn’t be bothered to rewind or turn on the captions.  Chase shares he’s fine with waiting for what else comes.  Here is what will surely come, Chase:  betrayal and an STD.

The gift that keeps on giving.

Phillip and Zygote are at an outdoor brunch and calling Chore’s party “lame”.  Zyg wants to know “what trust fund baby is all of a sudden a club promoter” and all the trust fund babies he know don’t have to work.  Yes, that’s the point.  Here comes Chore and Ashley.  Zyg shares that James reeks of alcohol.  Smelled yourself lately?

Zyg talks about Levi and Chase.  Chore tells Zyg that Levi’s a charmer, and Zyg probably listened a little too much to him, and Zyg knew better but did it anyway – which seems the perfect summation of that “relationship”.

Phillip bursts out with “They’re all whores!”  I think I’ll try that in my next work meeting.  Chore says, who are whores?  Phillip responds “all you boys are all whores because all you do is date each other and sleep with each other”.  Phillip, you do know you’ve defined the entire world?  Chore and Zyg find that amusing.  Phillip goes on to say that Levi and Chase were making out while Zyg was at the party.  Chore shares that he wants to put a muzzle on Phillip.  Right there with ya, pal.

Chore then says to Phillip that all he did the evening before was stirring things up and getting into drama.  Phillip angrily rejects this and accuses Chore of being all about drama.

You talkin’ about drama?  You talkin’ to me?

Phillip then calls Chore crazy.  Ashley attacks Chore and asks how Phillip was starting drama.  Chore says she was doing it too, and to stay out of the drama  – if Zyg and Levi and Chase were fighting, don’t get in the middle of it.  Phillip now butts in with “all you do and your life is consumed with bottles and partying.  Grow up!”

What exactly is the problem with bottles and partying?

Chore just nods.  Then Phillip starts to talk about Chore’s trust fund, Chore says don’t talk about his mother, Ashley tries to interject something, and then Chore throws his drink at Phillip, prompting Phillip to throw his drink and attack Chore.  As we learned a couple of eps ago, Phillip knows his way around a right hook, and he’s wailing on Chore.  Chore is pushing him.  Ashley is screaming, guys are running to pull Chore and Phillip apart, and Chore leaves, followed by Ashley.

Ashley now takes the opportunity to share her view of Chore:  he needs help and he’s losing his mind.  Chore says that he didn’t punch Phillip, he was careful not to – but Phillip really hit him, and the back of Chore’s neck is actually numb.  Ashley shares that Chore is like “the bad one” of the Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde duo.

Chore is like one of these guys, apparently.  Or maybe both.  BTW why does Hyde look like Harpo Marx with an overbite? 

Chore gets really upset, says he knows she thinks he’s the only guy with problems, he was beaten up all through junior high and high school, never punched anyone in his life.  He walks away while Ashley shares that she believes she’ll get a phone call one day that Chore is dead.  Allrighty drama queen, here are a couple of  people who will almost certainly die way before Chore does:

Does Chore have some problems?  Yeah, he does.  So does everyone on that show.  Does he need help?  Probably.  Lots of people do.  However, I totally don’t trust Ashley’s motives.  And if you are really as concerned as you claim to be, Ashley, why didn’t you take some kind of action before now?  But no, you’re too busy making Zygote miserable and trying to run Levi’s life.  Also, Phillip?  Get a life and stop being such an instigating beyotch!

From the previews, Ashley is going to lay some good old timey religion on Chore. Zygote is still not letting the Levi/Chase situation go.  Phillip is sulking.

I will be preparing for Thanksgiving.  Oh, there’ll be a recap – but also good food.  What is everyone making?  I don’t like turkey so I’m doing sides only:  roasted cranberry chutney, stuffing with turkey italian sausage and dried cherries, some corn thing that may or may not be succotash, sauteed brussels sprouts with maple bacon.  And a pumpkin-cheesecake pie (and those are 2 different layers).  Mind you, I live alone so this is dinner for a solid week.  I Love Thanksgiving!  I think it’s the most American of holidays.  Eating followed by shopping – what’s not to love!

I’ll be back next week with another exciting recap!

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