Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Alright guys, we’re now 3 episodes in and it’s time to review what we’ve learned. 1) Rich people cannot speak proper english, and don’t have to. 2) Bumming cigarettes=chaos. 3) It’s acceptable to have an assistant despite having zero things for him/her to assist with. 4) All of these girls have a stylist, but not one of them has style. 5) Jowls is the biggest trainwreck in the history of reality t.v. 6) Never steal someone’s crouquet mallet in Tennesse, or you’ll get a shotgun pulled on you. 7) To rich morons, middle-class is equal to being homeless and/or a child in poverty. And 8) People who take public transportation are dangerous, diseased, and incontinent. Everyone caught up? Good, cause I had 2 exams and a quiz yesterday, I have an ambulance ride tomorrow at 6:30am, two more tests to study for, and twelve step meetings to fit in somewhere among this chaos, so i’m at the perfect level of hostility to jump into this recap. Let the hate-fest begin!
Yes, folks. It’s time to say our goodbyes to our sad, horrendous, bundle of fun Jowls. We don’t have to look at her face anymore, so thumbs up. We don’t get to make fun of her anymore, so thumbs down. Iv’e made peace with it, because my hatred was already headed Hana’s way with a quickness, and Nads’ repulsiveness will now be magnified as well. So, not to worry, guys. There is more than enough left for me to entertain you with.
Let me back up a bit and treat you to the opening montage that is of Jowls’ overdramatic exit. Producers are everywhere, Hana is desperately trying to get involved, and Jowls is screaming “Give me my cigarettes and get out of my face”. I’d like to note that this girl has continuiously yelled for others to get out of her face, and not one of those times has anyone actually been in her face. Anyway, this whole drunken breakdown was pretty disappointing as a whole (to me), but it’s all worth it in the end, due to the porch swing goodbye that Jowls and Hana share before her departure. Jowls is half-hyperventilating while she informs Hana “I can’t eat. I can’t poop. I haven’t gotten my period yet.” BAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Damn, girl. Iv’e experienced each one of those things, but never at the same time. But it makes perfect sense. I mean, i’m not a doctor, but I think this is the problem. Ingesting alcohol all day/night long replaces food, and if you don’t eat not only is there nothing to poop out, but you lose weight and your period will disappear. Oh, and clearly you lose your fucking mind.
The other girls are still sitting in the eval room with Rajorjaw discussing how troubled Jowls is. Hm…this insightful discussion might have been helpful before Jowls’ condition/behavior made her mentally explode, but oh well. It wouldv’e been less fun for us. Here’s Lauren’s reaction to all of this.
“Bless her lil ole heart”
My real reason for this pic is because this is the EXACT face I am making throughout these episodes, and thought you should know. New Hoe preaches that “We can blame Laura, we can blame our parents, we can blame whoever, but we have accountability. We are adults”. Uh…who’s “we”, you got a mouse in your pocket? With the exception of herself, and Rajorjaw, anything “adult” related is nowhere to be found among this group. We get a final interview from Jowls, and she basically says that she’s not into it anymore (anymore?), she’s “over it”, the house is negative energy, and enough is enough. None of these statements are true, relevent, or valid, but Adios, bitch! See ya on “Celebrity Rehab”!
“Pasadena Recovery Center, please. And step on it!”
Next morning. Hana interviews that Jowls is gone, and she hopes she comes back, cause she’s not friends with the girls. Bad news, Hana. Your master IS NOT coming back, and you were a fucking idiot for thinking she was cool. You spent every second of the day kissing the ass of the one girl the others can’t stand, now she’s gone, and the other girls hate you, along with the entire viewing audience of this shit-show, mmkay? Apparently the other girls don’t know yet that Jowls has left the show and gone home, because they are overwhelmed with curiosity over where she is and what’s going on. I guess the fact that every bit of Jowls’ belongings are missing didn’t solve the mystery. Jeez. Common sense is such an oxy-moron. As if Hana wasn’t already at the top of my shit list, she’s wearing her sunglasses in the kitchen, as she whines about cereal. This is a major pet peeve of mine. People wearing sunglasses indoors is the dumbest, most obnoxious thing ever, and makes me want to kill anyone who thinks it’s cool.
She thinks they make her invisible. The world wishes she was right.
Razorjaw has arrived to reveal the outcome of Jowls’ fate to the house. From the kitchen doorway, Razorjaw tells Hana that they are having the meeting and to come into the living room. Hana says she’s going to finish her cereal first. Razorjaw tells her to bring it into the living room with her. Hana refuses, and i’m going to kill her. So, we now know that Hana is going to honor the memory of her Master by becoming the asshole of the house. This would be ok with me, but she sucks at it. She’s too dumb to even be an asshole correctly.
Razorjaw announces that Jowls was “let go” from the program. Happy and relieved faces all around, besides Hana. Since last night’s eval was cut short, Razorjaw will now announce who is crowned ”VIP” of the week. It’s Aimee. YAY. Razorjaw says something about the fact that she (Aimee) stayed out of drama, and embraced the lesson. We all know it’s just because she wore the hot dog costume without any protest. She deserves it. Now, on to this week’s lesson. Razorjaw says that this is “Fashion Week at Princess Rehab!!!”. All the girls cheer and clap, and are super excited. Well, most of them.
I guess these idiots haven’t caught on to the program’s premise. Each week’s “lesson” involves them being required to do something that they will not enjoy, but they haven’t figured this out by now. They are thrilled. BB even plans on going to Rodeo drive. OMG. The fucking show is “You’re Cut Off”. This was explained in detail to them in Episode 1 by Razorjaw, as well as by their own parents via video message. They are now 3 weeks into a program based around them learning to function without their parents’ money. What am I missing? Am I crazy? Why has shopping on Rodeo been mentioned twice now? I’m going to move on cause the vein on my forehead is throbbing too hard, and it’s scaring me.
The girls are told to put on their best outfit to go to the mystery location for Fashion Week. They all dress up, and look pretty decent. They hop into the vans, and arrive at some random warehouse. They walk through a big, shiny blue curtain and standing there waiting is this guy.
My 2nd biggest pet peeve? People wearing sunglasses on their
head as an accessory.
His name is Robert Verde, and he’s a famous stylist to the stars. New Hoe is a fashion designer, remember? So she’s about to cry and says “This is maybe the best moment of my life”. That’s almost as sad as the red-orange blazer this tool is wearing. Think it can’t get any more tragic?
Skinny jeans on a man=FAIL
Skinny jeans with converse shoes on a man=EPIC FAIL
Verde says that one-by-one, each girl will go stand up on a podium and say a little bit about what they are wearing. Hana, who i’ve officially renamed Buzzkill, says “I am not going up there. Sorry i’m not tacky and shallow like everyone else. I have nothing to prove to anyone.”
I know you are grieving the loss of a friendship, but it’s time to move on. You and Jowls were best friends for a whole week, and she probably doesn’t remember a bit of it. Tacky and shallow would be an upgrade from what you are, and you need serious psychological intervention, as well as Hooked on Phonics. And yes, you do have something to prove. If you didn’t, then you wouldn’t have followed Jowls around like a puppy, and repeated everything she said back to her with added exagerration, desperately seeking her approval. Everything you say is nonsense, and you are socially retarded. You need to brush your hair, and re-evaluate your life. I despise looking at you, and cringe at the sound of your voice. You need Jesus, like, yesterday.
Tmurda & America
New Hoe volunteers to go first. Verde asks her about her shoes, and how much all her shit costs, and…….zzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……They calculate that she spends around $300,000 per year on clothes. Buzzkill says that New Hoe is like a pig in heaven right now, and that she has everything that New Hoe has and more, so she needs to get over herself. Nothing to prove, huh? If any of you Gasm readers out there can explain to me what a “pig in heaven” is supposed to mean, i’d appreciate it.
Jessica is next, looks cute, and says she’s spent $3000 on her dress. I’d like to suggest to her that she can go to Forever 21 and get an equally cute dress to wear to an event, and give the 3k to me for my tuition. Come on, Jess. Puh-leeeeez?! Nadia adds that “That’s nothing. I could blow that out the window”. Obviously she means the “water”.
It’s Lauren’s turn.
I’d like to interrupt this bore-fest with “Tmurda’s Top 10 Things I’m Sick of Looking at, and Would Like to Burn” list
10) Lauren’s leopard-print scarf. (seen above)
9) Razorjaw’s pencil-skirts
8) Boxed wine
7) Jessica’s pink hoodie
6) Aimee’s head-scarf
5) Nads’s cut-offs
4) New Hoe’s fuschia lip gloss
3) Nadia’s ginormous, red pajama pants
2) Hana’s mole
BB is next, Verde asks her to spin around, and she says “Don’t show my spanx.” First of all, eew. Second of all, she should get her money back for those spanx. She is hoping that Verde will ask about her bag, he does, and she gets to reveal that it’s Louis Vitton. Ugh. She says she has four, and one was a gift she got when her grandma died. No, her grandma didn’t leave her the bag in her will, she got it as a gift BECAUSE her grandma died. She jokes “Ya know. It’s like ‘Awe, grandma died, let’s get some Louis!” (giggle giggle).
R.I.P., Granny! What was her name, again?
This is the most perfect example of why each of these girls are the way they are. Since childhood, instead of having a loving, patient, involved parent, these girls were raised by having toys and presents thrown at them when they were sad or in need of guidance. Now, mom and dad want a reality show to fix their fuck-up. Laziness+bad judgement=humiliation of your offspring.
Verde tells the girls the official name of today’s lesson is “You Don’t Have to Spend a Million Dollars to Look Like a Million Dollars”. Nadia says “No no no. That’s obsture, that’s retarded, that’s stupid.” I don’t know what “obsture” means, or why she’s pissed off.
Verde says they are going to play a game called “Budget or Bank”. Curtains behind him open, and people start rolling out pieces of a game show set, and game show-type music starts playing. Smiles all around. Verde says they must split into 2 groups.
4 against 2? UNFAIR! (Nads doesn’t count)
So, the game goes like this: Each team will send up one girl each to face off. An item will be revealed, and they must guess if it’s a “Budget Buy” or if it will “Break the Bank”. Simple enough, right?
“Can you repeat the part about how the game works, please?”
Before even hearing Nads’ question, Vered says “Nadia, budget is B-U-D-..” HA. I officially like Verde. Everyone laughs, except for Nads. She’s not pissed, she just doesn’t understand what’s going on. She stares blankly into space. Anyhoo, for each correct answer, the team gets a point, team with the most points wins, blah blah blah. As obsessed as these assholes are with labels and Rodeo Drive, they should do a steller job at the game, right? We’ll see. Verde announces that he will have a lovely assistant, and guess who it is? Erica Rose from season 1! All I remember of her is that she’s dumb as dirt (duh), but she’s the funny kind of dumb, so yay!
First up are Buzzkill and Nads. The first item is……
PETA Headquarters just exploded
Is it “budget” or “bank”? I wouldn’t put that shit on my body either way, but let’s see what the girls think. Buzzkill guesses “budget”, and so does Nads. WRONG! It’s “bank”. Score-0/0. Aimee and New Hoe are up, and here is their item.
Anything presented in a coffee filter=BUDGET!
Everyone gets to taste it, and BB says that she KNOWS it’s “budget” cause she knows her chocolate. She tells us “HELLO! I obviously love chocolate. Look at me!” Grrrrrr…I hate when fat people make fun of their own fatness, cause then it’s no fun for the rest of us. Each girl guesses “budget”. The answer? WRONG! It’s “bank”. BB says “Well, I wasn’t going by money, I was going by taste.” That’s the whole point, you asshat. Score-0/0. BB and Lauren are up and their item is….
Sunglasses indoors 3rd time. 4th time=computer flies over the balcony
BB states that she considers herself a “Sunglases Whore”, so she’s saying they are “budget”. Lauren agrees. WRONG!!! HAHA. BB explains that she would have known for sure if she’d been able to put them on. I’d like to hear an explanation of that theory, but it’s an hour long show, so she’s off the hook. Score STILL-0/0. New Hoe and Lauren are next in rotation.
Required white gloves could mean A) It’s very expensive. B) It’s very toxic.
Let’s cross our fingers for “B”
All the girls get a spray, they smell without collapsing to the floor (Dammit), and agree that it smells like shit. Both girls say “budget”, but BB chimes in to New Hoe suggesting that some old lady might like it, so New Hoe changes her answer to “bank”. YAY! New Hoe scored the first point of the game! Final round. Jessica vs. BB. The item is a wedding dress. I couldn’t get a good pic of it, but it’s fugly fa sho. BB guesses “budget”, and Jess begins to guess “bank”, but a grunt from her team members make her change her mind at the last second to “budget”. Can you guess what the answer is? Yup. MOTHAFUCKIN BANK!
So, the orange team wins (basically by default), and Verde announces that he thinks he’s proved his point (understatement of the year) that you can’t always tell the difference between a less and more expensive item. He says that the next part of this lesson is that the girls will be styling/dressing one of New York’s most famous socialites. Tinsley Mortamer! Iv’e never heard of her, and have no clue how to really spell her name. And I don’t care.
Of course, these losers know who she is, and are practically drooling when she comes out. BB says “Everyone who’s anyone knows who she is (i’m def a nobody then), and i’m thrilled to finally be in the presence of people who are up to par with who I am.” I’m not joking. That’s what she said. Me thinky her spanx are cutting off her circulation. Tinsley tells the girls they will be shopping for two outfits for her. One for the red carpet, and the other for an afterparty. She says she loves things that are colorful, and super-girly, but with a little edgy look. Verde says they will have to do this on a budget. Shocker. Since the blue team lost, they will have $150 to spend for both looks. Buzzkill tells us that her moisturizure costs $150, so they’ll be lucky to find stockings for that much. What the fuck are stockings? Does she mean for x-mas? Is she talking about panty-hose? Do they still make panty-hose? Orange team gets $300. BB tells us that “$300 is a pair of shoes. A bracelet. A pair of earrings. What are we gonna do?” Wow, BB. How much is a gym membership? Lapband? Tinsley will pick the winner.
Van ride to go shopping. One of the girls asks the others “Where do you guys think we are going?” If I here anyone say “Rodeo Drive” i’m gonna blow my brains out. Luckily, they are finally catching on after 3 weeks, and agree that it’ll be some sort of discount store.
DING DING DING!
Guess what that means, Gasmi!? It’s time for this week’s “How Many Politically Incorrect Things Can We Say in 30 Seconds” segment!!!
Ready bitches? Aaaaaaaaaaannnnd GO!
1) Buzzkill- “This is disgusting.”
2) Jess- “What is that? Iv’e never heard of a swap meet in my entire life.”
3) New Hoe- “What the hell. Sounds like a food store.”
4) New Hoe- “Where they slaughter pigs.”
5) BB- “It’s like a food court for clothes.”
6) New Hoe- “This is getting rediculous. What do we have to do now, look for clothes in a swamp?”
7)Buzzkill- “I need to throw up before we start shopping.”
8) New Hoe-” I can’t believe people actually have to shop here.”
9) BB- “Life of the poor, honey.”
…1!!! Not bad, ladies!
So, team Blue has found a dress for the “Red Carpet” look, but Buzzkill is being a buzzkill, and begins throwing a temper-tantrum cause she doesn’t like it.
Miss Swap Meet Sweetheart 2011
Buzzkill gets really out of control, and is yelling about everything her team suggests or chooses, and they finally throw their hands up and tell her that she can pick whatever she wants.
Over at team Orange, they have made zero progress, cause they are having too much fun finding tons of fun stuff they want for themselves. What was that about a “Food court for clothes”, girls? They are all fat, so Nads has to try the dresses on, since she’s the least fat one. They decide on a dress, and barter the saleswoman down to $65.
Tinsley better get herself knocked up STAT
Team Muffin Top go back to shopping for themselves, and buy a ski mask. I’m assuming/hoping it’s for Tinsley to wear along with whichever tragic dress she gets stuck with. Both teams check out, and all agree as they exit the swap meet that it’s not so bad.
Back at the warehouse, the girls have 15 minutes to get dressed and ready, cause I guess they are presenting their outfits to Tinsley in a fashion show. Hell yeah! This is gonna be awesome, Gasmi.
BB comes out, cause I guess she is the announcer, or MC, or whatever, for Team Muffin Top. Verde asks her how the swap meet was, and she says some shit about “Lay persons”, and Verde gives her a death look. Look #1
I never thought i’d miss the ratty red pj pants
BB MCs that “We chose a dazzling ruby gown that accentuates your curves, and give you a fabulous sillouette.” Tinsley?
She’s one of us, Gasmi!!! SHE’S ONE OF US!!!!!!!!! Team MT Look #2 is a “Strapless two-toned dress with a metallic sheen, paired with a bomber jacket, and is anything but innocent.”
The Swap Meet sells stockings, therefore I stand corrected
Tinsley’s turn to give feedback to Team MT, and all she can say is that she’s scared of a couple of the looks. There are 2 looks, so she’s scared of them both. Let’s see how Team Blue does.
Aimee MCs that Look #1 is “stunning” and it “brings elegance to a whole new level”. She didn’t specify whether the new level is up or down, but you can decide for yourself.
The Bouxfant hair pulls it all together
Look #2 is “Feminine, fun, flirty, sheek” and something about turning heads all night. Verde says the shoes look like they came off Jan Brady’s foot. Each team gathers on the stage to hear what Tinsley and Verde have to say. Tinsley tells Team Blue that they got it right with the girliness, but lacked in the edginess. She wants to know why the slit of Look #1′s dress is so high. They say they cut it. Verde asks Buzzkill if she liked what she/her team chose, and she shruggs her shoulders and says she agreed to them. He then asks her “Is there anything you took away from this experience?” Crickets. Instead of just replying with something positive, she says “I don’t know why we had to go to a swap meet when we were styling for Tinsley.” There is no way this shit is real. Nobody would ever fucking say that. I’m officially calling VH1′s bluff. Verde says that Tinsley has worn some fabulous vintage pieces. Buzzkill shuts her trap and leaves it at that. GOTCHA! She actually asks Tinsley “But would you ever really shop at a Swap Meet, though. But Really, though.” Tinsley says “Absolutely”. Verde says “There’s a difference between being a snob, and-” Buzzkill talks over him saying “I’m just asking!” The rest of Team Blue is pissed. Buzzkill concludes “There was nothing there.” Verde tells Buzzkill “Finish this sentance for me: When life hands you lemons (Buzzkill giggles), throw them at somebody.” Buzzkill says “I was just gonna say that!”
Time to see how Team MT did. Tinsley is as nice as she can possibly be, and calls Look #1 “cheap” and “trashy”, but says that she might see herself wearing Look #2 VEEERRY late at night. LOL. Aimee pipes up from stage right “How much did you guys pay for the dress? What about the ski mask? How much did you pay for that?” FUCKIN SNITCH!!!!!! In fact, that’s her new name. BB says “I don’t think that matters”, while simultaneously giving Snitch the universal STFU signal.
I’ll slit your throat while you sleep
Tin and Ver are both like “Whaaaaa?” BB explains that it was a gag. Snitch says that they were given money to buy for Tin, and blah blah. Argueing all around. Nads interviews “Aimee starts blabbering, opening her big fat-ass mouth like she’s the shit, but she’s not. I’ll shit on her face”. LOL. I’m kind of diggin Nads today. Blue Team wins, and this is the longest fucking episode ever.
Morning time at the house. Snitch has a letter, and BB uses her psychic powers to figure out that it says for Snitch (the VIP) to assign chores. Snitch decides her first order of business is to kick BB out of the house, realizes she can’t, and settles for giving her the worst chore. Worst chore=painting the front yard fence. It’s a 3-person chore, so Nads and Buzzkill are stuck painting too. Buzz tells us “All I wanna do is chill out, have some coffee, and not do a chore.” What size fence are we talkin about here?
3 people painting+complaining time in between strokes
+6-7 smoke breaks=1hr max
BB and Nads are both outside, sweatin their fat asses off, painting away, and Buzz is watching them through the kitchen window drinking her coffee. Buzz gets a pass on this one, because my ass sure as shit wouldn’t have a paintbrush in my hand until the other two bitches were outside ready to work, so sip away, Buzzkill. Snitch tells her that if she doesn’t help paint, that that means the chore wasn’t done, and she won’t get any groceries as punishment.
Buzzkill finally wanders outside, paints for about 3 minutes, decides she’s done, and relaxes in the sun.
Who’s chore is it to mow the lawn?
Buzzkill is laying there, dreaming of her long lost soulmate, Jowls. Who knows, maybe Jowls is doing the exact same thing right at this very moment. Except with a glass of wine in her right hand, cig in her left. I’m sure Jowls would be here in spirit, if she had one.
Time to make the grocery list. Buzzkill wants cigarettes, and Snitch says no, she’s not spending food money on cigs. Iv’e been a smoker off and on in my life, but i’m with Snitch on this one. Smokers ar annoying as hell to non-smokers, and with $200 to spend for 6 girls? Sorry, bitch. Today’s the day you quit, and you’ll thank me later. It’s pretty funny to think back a couple of weeks ago when Buzzkill was flashing her platinum AmEx at us, and now she’s having to choose between being able to eat or smoke.
Just live off wine and cigs for a week. It worked out for Jowls just fine.
They go back and forth, while following each other around the house. Buzz tells Snitch that she “better get her cigs or else”. Snitch wants to know “Or else what?” They exchange these two phrases for a while till Buzzkill finally thinks of something else to say. She says “Bring it on”. She repeats that about 8x, slaps the wall with her hand, and walks victoriously down the hallway. Eyerolls all around. Wow, Buzz, way to take control. LOL. What a douche. I can’t believe people still say “Bring it on”. These days, you mostly only hear older women say it, cause they think it sounds bad-ass. It’s like the threat that just won’t end. Kind of like when a CD skips, and there’s ALWAYS some asshole that has to say “REMIX”. Or like the word “bling”. Or when people call Target “Tar-Jhay”. Or the inevetable “If you got somethin to say, say it to my face!” conversation that has happened on every single reality show of all time. These are all things that will never ever go away, and people like Buzz are the ones to blame. These are all “Default” or “Go-to” responses, and they only exist for stupid people to fall back on when they can’t think of anything to say. Sorry. Tangent.
Anyway, did Buzz’s intimidating threat work? Did Snitch get the cigs? Hell to the no. When Snitch, New Hoe, and Jess return from the store, Buzz goes through all the cabinets searching for them, and Snitch says “We tried, but we couldn’t get em”. Well, they actually ended up under budget, and Snitch purposely grabbed random shit instead of getting the cigs, but who cares. It’s more fun this way. Although, I do wonder how Snitch would feel if New Hoe or Jess snitched on her ass right now. NVM. Buzzkill is pissed. She grabs the 2-liter of coke bought for the entire house, and does this:
I guess this is the “it” she was referring to bringing
Weekly eval time. Thank God. First order of business? Ski-Maskgate 2011. Razorjaw wants an explanation. Nads says “We just wanted a lot of options.” HA. BB says “I’ll defend that ski mask till the day I die.” New Hoe says “I was just….phew….I didn’t know what was goin on.” Razorjaw interviews “These girls are lying to my face. I know they bought those things for themselves. They were disrespecting themselves, and now they are disrespecting the program”. God damn. Take a fucking xanax, Razorjaw. So they goofed off at the swap meet and spent a couple bucks on bullshit. Is it that big a deal? Razor calls their bluff, and they all nod their heads. But Snitch isn’t ready to move on. She repeats the scenario of the girls shopping for themselves, and BB rolls her eyes. She says “Aimee needs to do what she does best, which is sit there and look poor.” AWE SNAP!!! Time to discuss the grocery fiasco. Razorjaw asks Snitch if she thinks she handled grocery shopping/being VIP in a good way. Snitch responds by explaining that she told Buzzkill that if they had money left over, they would get her cigs, but Buzz just demanded them and yelled in her face. Hm. That’s slightly inacccurate, Snitcherballs. Inaccurate as in 100% fabricated.
Due to the ski mask, the grocery list fiasco, and the fact that they all suck at life- Razorjaw is giving the entire house a BIG FAT FAIL!
Love it. I’m not quite sure what Lauren and Jess did wrong, but a collective fail makes me happy. I’m sure Razorjaw left Jowls a voicemail to let her know she fails this week as well.
So what did ya’ll think? Does anyone else have the image of Nads in that red dress burned in their mind? Was anyone else secretly missing Jowls during the fashion show? I’d love to have seen her partake in that event. Everyone agreed that Buzzkill needs to get a beat down? All I know is that Snitch is on my shit list now more than ever. I’m truely amazed at how many fights go down because of cigarettes. Next week involves a goat named Peaches, and multiple breakdowns. Have a great week, Gasmi!