First off, clearly I was too hard on Zach’s lack of personality in the premiere. Second, if I just keep doing the recap a little earlier each week, eventually it will be in a timely manner, right?
Previously: The girls agreed that Zach is hot. Upon learning about Alexandra’s relationship, Frank immediately began plans for his murder-suicide.
Prissy (yes, plockeness monster, we can definitely refer to Priscilla as Prissy- I was already very tired of typing her full name) informs us that despite growing up in San Diego, she has never surfed before. Luckily, MTV has arranged some surfing lessons for them. Prissy approves of this because the wetsuit makes her ass look good. Priorities, people.
Better hope none of the roomies find an ancient haunted tiki, otherwise the curse might cause the others to have surfing accidents. Don’t tell me The Brady Bunch wasn’t real.
Zach tells us he’s nervous because he’s never done anything he wasn’t good at. Nate informs us that he “sucks ass” at all water sports. Meanwhile, Sam catches a waves and tells us she rode it in “like a model.”
Zach calls a friend for the standard early season Roommate Roundup. He says he’s been there three days and is already going “batshit crazy.” Prissy is the 19 year old with “fake yabbos,” which “never hurts a situation.” Alexandra is down to earth and calm. Ashley (who I keep wanting to call Bubbles, so let’s run with that for awhile) has “all the utensils” to “be a hot girl,” and is also a “genuinely awesome person.” Frank is bisexual, which Zach only found out after coming across as homophobic (seriously dude, you had to know you were almost guaranteed a gay roommate). Nate “has no filter,” and Sam is cool because she likes chicks.
Bubbles, Prissy and Sam make some sex small chat. Bubbles gave up her flower as a sophomore in high school and she and Prissy both get “super vulnerable” when they sleep with someone. When Bubbles falls for someone, she “like FALLS for someone.. hardcore.” Subtle cut to Zach, who comes in to tell Prissy it’s time to get their facial on. And he is NOT KIDDING, y’all. He uses words like “pineapple enzyme facial cleanser” and “blackhead eliminator.” He tells us he’s a closet facial guy (consider this your coming out party, dude), and you only have one face so it needs to be treated well. The last step of the process is so secret that all he can say is “it’s emulsifying impurities.” Damn, I’ve never had a facial in my life and I feel refreshed just watching this.
“I know you can be overwhelmed, and I know you can be underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?”
“… I think you can in Europe.”
Bubbles likes Zach’s “prima donna” side. Also, unsurprisingly at this point, Zach shaves his legs.
Out for a stroll, Alexandra and Frank discuss the night before. Frankenstein was too drunk to remember, and apologizes for upsetting her and almost making her cry. They arrive at a coffee or food or whatever place and Alex asks about Frank’s parents. He says he used to get into physical fights with his father, then they told him they love him and want him to be with someone he wants (presumably after he revealed his bisexuality), then two weeks ago his father called him a faggot and kicked him out. Well, Frank is probably still insane, but that certainly explains A LOT.
Frank says he doesn’t want any part of it anymore, and Alex says the only way for him to do that is cold turkey, which this situation can help him do more easily. Frank tells us that even though he says hurtful things, he’s never told his family he never wanted to see them again. At least now we have some idea where last week’s insanity came from.
Sam and Nate are scouring the beach for chicks, and Nate wants to know where they are. Sam informs him that it’s Monday at 2:00, indicating that she is aware that the real world still exits, so points for Sam. Also, as we’ll learn shortly, Sam is apparently the clock master. They hit on a group of girls and it looks like we’ll be seeing them compete for the ladies and argue over who has more game while also allegedly being the other’s wingman. That has entertainment potential.
“My odds have GOT to be better standing next to Sam than they are standing next to Zach, right?”
Back at the house, they seem to be the only ones home and get bored. There are a bunch of alarm clocks (Why? Since when to Real Worlders need to wake up?) that only Sam knows how to work, and Nate is delighted to learn that they can record their own voices. They decide to initiate “Prank War 2011″ by recording themselves yelling various obnoxious things, setting the alarms for 5 AM, and hiding them all over the girls’ room. Good lord, I would MURDER them (although I might still be up at 5 AM), but since it’s happening to other people it should be entertaining.
A sample of their messages:
“Scrilla, Ashley, Zim! <SHRIEK> Gotcha… Bitches!”
“Come find meee”
“This is the LAST ONE! We PROMISE!”
“WE LIED! AAGGGHHH!”
Their utter joy at this prank is a thing of beauty. They’re laughing so hard they can barely hide the alarm clocks properly, and keep stopping to high five. If Pauly D were involved, he would undoubtedly declare this the best day of his life. It’s pretty good, as pranks go. Everyone goes to bed except for Sam and Nate, who sit up giggling and waiting for the fruits of their labor.
The alarms start going off, and the confused girls take turns wandering around looking for alarm clocks. Bubbles and Prissy are sleeping in the same bed for some reason. Sam declares this the “greatest day of my life, so far.” Perhaps she’s a closet Jersey Shore fan. The cacophony of sounds in their room right now is truly impressive.
Later that morning, Bubbles asks Sam if she put the clocks in their room. If Sam tries at all to keep a straight face, she completely fails.
Good thing Sam wasn’t on the Vegas season, if this is her poker face.
Bubbles tells Sam that six clocks went off for an hour straight. Actually, it was seven clocks, but Sam doesn’t correct her. Prissy informs Nate that if she had another hour of sleep she might have been up beating their asses. All in all, the girls took it pretty well.
We jump straight to nighttime, and Prissy drops the of-age roomies off at da club. Seriously, why even bother being on the show at all if you have to sit at home? I think Vevmo said production told her if she gets caught drinking at all she’s out of the house. In a time when everyone has stopped pretending that drinking isn’t a crucial part of Real World, this just seems weird. And to answer questions from last week’s comments, there have been underage roommates on several seasons. Sometimes they had trouble getting into certain bars, but it was never like this. My guess is this was MTV’s deal with San Diego in order for them to be allowed to film there.
Anyway, Zach and Bubbles flirt while Nate disappears with a girl for a romantic walk on the beach. She gets cold, so he offers her his button-up/flannel. He also shows off his neon green socks. He brings her back to the house, introduces her to “Thor” (Zach), and sets a lunch date with her the next day because he is already smitten.
The next morning, he recounts his romantic time to Frank, who is surprised. Frank asks if they made out on the beach, and Nate responds with “On the beach, in the street…”
“…On the bed, on the floor, on the towel, by the door, in the tub, in the car, up against the mini-bar.”
We learn that her name is Dana, but Nate has nicknamed her Baby Blue on account of her crystal blue eyes. Also, she’s one of the best kissers he’s ever “dealt with.” Thanks for the details of that transaction, bro.
Alex calls up Byron, her boyfriend, who says he misses her and this “away thing” is starting to “wear on” him. Hasn’t it been like four days? She tells us she feels like a bad girlfriend, because apparently everything is her fault. Isn’t he like an hour and a half away?
Frank and Alex are out for another stroll, and Alex brings up Byron missing her. She then goes on to say that it doesn’t suck at all for her, she’s having an amazing time, and she wishes her conversations with her boyfriend were more positive. Frank once again is encouraged by this mention of relationship issues, and now he doesn’t even think he’ll have to step in. As much as he comes across as obsessive, this is still a step up from Adam the Douchenozzle in Vegas. Alex goes on to say it’s important to her that they make it work through this, but it’s doubtful that part registers on Frank’s radar.
Nate gets dressed up and Zach drops him off for his lunch date with Dana Blue Eyes. Things are going well until Zach crawls into the restaurant on his hands and knees and starts randomly popping out from under tables and various other pieces of furniture. Dana can’t see him, but Nate can and he cannot keep his shit together at all. He keeps bursting into laughter, much to Dana’s dismay/confusion. Nate insists that he’s just awkward and weird.
It’s like the hottest game of Pop Goes the Weasel ever in history.
Zach finally pops into Dana’s view and they all have a good laugh, but you can tell she’s uncomfortable. Nate asks if that got awkward for her, which of course it did. Zach leaves and Nate tries to move on, but Zach pops up again, behind him this time, wearing a sombrero. Yup, I was definitely judging too snappily when I accused him of not having a personality.
*FNL Interlude: Also, that totally reminded me of how most of the best Tim Riggins scenes are when he’s with something that can’t respond. See: Tim Riggins & puppy, Tim Riggins & infant, and as a bonus Tim & Billy Riggins & breast pump. I’m a Saracen girl through and through, but it’s hard to resist even a poor man’s Tim Riggins. Apologies to those of you who don’t watch Friday Night Lights, but in all fairness, why the hell haven’t you seen Friday Night Lights?
Anyway, Nate and Dana sit on a bench overlooking the beach and discuss his yellow socks and the green ones he was wearing the night before. Nate continues to be the smitten kitten.
Over at the gym, we are reminded that Bubbles finds Zach attractive. Also, we learn that she apparently goes to the gym to exercise with her hair down.
So, she and Zach both live in a teen movie. Duly noted.
As Nate does leg presses, Bubbles and Zach both hop on the machine. Nate is pretty damn strong. Also, Nate tells us that he knows Zach wants Bubbles but he won’t admit it. Zach discusses the contents of Bubbles’ iPod (RiP, Steve Jobs), which is apparently full of “do me dirty” hip hop, so Zach must think of cold showers. (Might I also recommend baseball and Chandler?)
On the car ride home, a cell phone somehow rings and Nate answers to talk to Baby Blue.
WTF? Cell phone on the Real World? WRONG! You can’t see it, but the car is jumping over a shark right now.
Maybe it’s so they can call Prissy to come pick them up from having fun without her? Anyway, Zach asks if she has a chubby friend so they can go on a double date. Geez, dude, why not just ask for a girl with glasses and a ponytail? They’re much easier to make over so you can win your bet. Much to Nate’s delight, Baby Blue declares that she only has hot friends.
Zach puts on a pair of Bubbles’ booty shorts and prances around for a bit. He declares that her shorts involve the entire buttocks hanging out. “If half of the butt cheek is covered, it’s a pant,” Zach explains.
Now that we’ve covered shorts vs. pants, let’s move on to like vs. love. Do you perhaps like your Sketchers, but love your Prada backpack?
Nate dresses up like “the largest seventh grader that ever lived” (according to Frank) for his date with Dana. Nate promises to “seventh grade the shit out of this date.” What does that mean? Jizz in his pants? Nate calls Dana, who tells him she can’t make dinner because she’s not ready to go out, so they can do it another day. Nate is so dismayed that he hits himself in the head with the phone. The roomies immediately tell him to forget about her, because apparently canceling dinner is equal to totally dumping. Did we miss something?
Also, Zach is wearing an American flag shirt and nerd glasses, so I’m not sure if he’s auditioning to be the next Superman or the next Captain America or if he’s just hoping there’s any random superhero movie out there casting.
Also, this? Is totally not what you think. Zach was just trying to spit his gum into Nate’s mouth. So basically, it’s much grosser than you think.
The roomies are out to lunch (in the literal sense at the moment) when Nate sits himself down with a group of girls, one of whom is named Dana. Nate proclaims that “convenient” but tells us this Dana is not as cool or hot as OG Dana. Sam comes over to wingman and/or mooch. The girls learn about OG Dana and wonder if their Dana will also ditch Nate, prompting him to dramatically fall from his chair to the floor.
Alex’s friends come over and they play one of her songs while she sings. Thankfully, she’s good. I’m still traumatized from DC Douche and his “singing career.” Alex is happy to be expressing herself, and the other roomies make their way in to listen. Frank is, of course, “blown away by Alex every day.”
Nate is out having more awkward times with Dana 2.0 (yes, that is how she was titled). They play the most joyless game of pool ever (which is saying something, since pool isn’t the most joyful sport in the world). Then he takes her back to the house for the most joyless tour ever. These people clearly do not enjoy each other’s company, yet neither of them will cut the chord. It’s just sad.
As the roomies are getting ready to go out, Nate signals to Sam that he wants to get rid of Dana 2.0. Sam, like a good wingman, is there. She leads Dana 2.0 to the bathroom, at which point all of the roomies get into the car. Nate asks them how to get rid of the girl, and Zach tells him to get in the car. He dives into the backseat and Zach drives away as the girls get confused. Frank informs them that Nate is “doing the dip.” Nate says he got ditched by a Dana, so he’s going to ditch a Dana.
Is this what Mufasa meant by the circle of life?
Da club is incredibly uneventful. Prissy is really excited since it’s 18 and over night so she can go, but the other roomies seem rather underwhelmed.
The roomies head to their next surf session, but the waves are rough so Prissy and Bubbles sit this one out for some girl chat. Prissy informs Bubbles that her ass is the topic of conversation, then asks about her “relationship” with Zach. Bubbles says there’s an attraction, but they’re not making a big deal about it yet.
Prissy is back to being the driver (not to be confused with the Driver – but that would certainly make an interesting episode), and the roomies get to go to a club that is clearly much more fun than the 18+ one. Unfortunately, Frank is hitting on guys and girls and still striking out right and left- literally, since he’s a switch-hitter. He tells us he doesn’t know how to handle rejection.
Oh, really? We hadn’t noticed.
The roomies start to leave without Frank, who has become Frankenstein, but he gets in the car at the last minute. He calls Bubbles a slut for no reason, so Prissy calls him an idiot. He moves toward her, but Nate jumps on him and pins him against the car window. Good thing too, since Prissy is a little busy driving your drunk ass home. Frank does more of his “it’s all my fault” victim act despite no one doing anything to him.
Nate and Zach pull Frankenstein aside for a “bro talk,” where Frankenstein claims to feel disrespected by the girls. Zach tells him they respect him, while the girls sit in another room and say they’re afraid of drunk Frankenstein. Frankenstein tells the guys that he doesn’t want to be the odd man out, and they admit to being “freaked out” by his sexuality but insist that they like and respect him. The girls, meanwhile, decide they need to talk to Frank before things get worse.
New drinking game: Take a shot every time Frank sleeps somewhere other than his bed. Warning: this may cause you to wake up somewhere other than your own bed.
The next morning, the girls bring up talking to Frank, and Nate says Frank felt attacked. Bubbles reminds him that Frank called her a slut for no reason, and Prissy reminds him that Frank tried to hit her, which he says is “fair enough.”
Breakfast is apparently tense. Someone breaks a dish. I don’t really get it, but I know I want bacon.
Later that day… ish… Alex sits Frank down for a talk but makes him promise he won’t get mad since she’s just trying to be a friend. Frank says he doesn’t get upset that easily, but almost everything we’ve seen so far seems to contradict that. She basically just tells him that when he’s drunk he thinks everyone is out to get him and saying horrible things about him even though they aren’t. She says if he’s always on the defensive, he’s never going to let anyone in. He attributes it to his parent issues and says it’s easier to be defensive because then you don’t get hurt. Which makes no sense because it seems like Frank is always hurt. He tells us he had no intention of hurting anyone when he was drunk, but it’s his responsibility to sit everyone down so he goes for a run first to clear his head.
Those are an awful lot of friendship bracelets for a such a self-proclaimed loner. Unless he just sat around day camp all the time making them for himself.
Frank sits the roomies down and insists he’s not a fighter, then goes into his parent story. He’s crying as Alex tells us that Frank’s relationship with his parents is a “source for a lot of his pain.” Nothing gets past her! He apologizes for the “bitch” and “whore” comments and calls it a defense mechanism. Prissy tells him the vulnerability is the only way to get past it. Zach is quiet at the roomie meeting but tells us via confessional that there are very few reasons why a man should cry, and this is not one of them.
Per the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness: “Crying: Acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon.” That settles that.
Once they’re alone, Nate and Zach agree that they do not like to talk about feelings, nor do they look like the type of people who like to talk about feelings. They’d much rather stick with facials and girly shrieking, thankyouverymuch. They’re uncomfortable with Frankenstein and his self-destructive ways.
The roomies get ready to go to a country-western bar, which makes Zach happy because it’s more in his element. Bubbles asks him if she should wear her outfit or if it looks skanky. He tells her it does look skanky and therefore she should wear it.
At the bar, Zach teaches Bubbles to two-step while telling us that as far as hooking up goes, “never say never.” Dude, nobody said anything other than “duh.” They dance and flirt while Frank asks Alex if she’s going to marry Byron. She says she hopes so and she can’t see herself with anyone else at this point.
That’s funny, because Frank can see himself in your pants.
Frank says that marriage is huge. Meanwhile, Bubble tells us that Zach is big, buff, and hot. Then she adds, “I’m not drinking tequila around him, that’s for damn sure.” Do itttt. You know you want to. Just a sip, just for a second, just to see how it feels.
Next: Gay bar! Frank has sex, much to Nate’s dismay. Frankenstein breaks shit.
I really liked this episode. A lot of the roomies finally showed some personality. Seriously, though, why would Prissy even bother when she’s left out of at least half of what goes on? What did you guys think of the first official prank of the season? Do you think Zach and Bubbles will make it another whole episode without hooking up? Who will get more action this season, Sam or Nate? Oh, and what are your thoughts on DanaGate?