Bang! Bang! Bang!

Holy. Crap. What a crazy ending, huh? Although various theories were being spun over what part illegal immigrant Carlyne would play in Capt. Jerry’s life (JasonR’s comments last week had me totally on the citizenship/marriage boat), I don’t think anyone expected that. Yes, I am shamelessly trying to drum up some support for these last few Rescue Me recaps with a little mystery and intrigue. It’s not an easy show to write about, people! So I want to see my new buddies in the forums (read: my new obsession) making this comments page sing! Because besides the Capt. Jerry shocker and the intense (hence the title of this week’s recap) Johnny drama (holla at you, Umnata Entourage recap readers), we had Tommy taking a few steps closer to life on the blue horizon with Sheila, Lou schtupping a nun, Franco brokering a peace treaty with Richard the Retard, and CrazyTaty putting the kibosh on Sean’s dream of getting married in the house of God. Come on, how could you not want to comment on a recap (that’s 5 days late) that manages to use the terms “schtupping a nun” and “Richard the Retard” within its opening paragraph?The episode starts with one of the more random cold openings of the season. The boys answer a fire call that leaves a paraplegic (is that even the correct term? Says the guy who has now written the phrase “Richard the Retard” three times. You know, wouldn’t want to offend anyone) stranded on the top floor of a building. The dude has one of those wheelchairs that moves when he breathes and speaks for him when he types. Kind of like Christopher Reeves, except not as epically sad. It’s less sad mostly because this guy is kind of a dick and Christopher Reeves ruled. They realize they can’t take the guy out of the chair, because he’d die, and they can’t carry the chair down the stairs. Problem solved when they get a bucket truck up to the top floor and help the guy down. What’s he doing living on the top floor of a walk up anyway?

When the boys return home, a fiery debate is raging on: Is Blueberry Pie a fruit? I’ll give you 3 guesses as to who thinks it is – yup that’s right. Sean’s an idiot. Just as they are piling out of the fire truck, however, they get another call. This time they are brought to a large black woman who has somehow gotten herself stuck on iron fest. It sounds pretty random and it is, but not as random as the fact that her name is Oprah (“You think there’s only one! It’s a very common name!”). The guys inform her that they’ll have to saw the fence apart to get her to the hospital. This elicits a great deal of swearing and name calling from Oprah (“That wasn’t very Oprah-like”) before she passes out after hearing the saw start a-buzzing.

Tommy finally gets back to his apartment, and finds PopaBear sitting at the kitchen table with a burnt fire extinguisher. What the hell happened, Tommy wants to know. Poor PopaBear was trying to make some eggs, things went awry and PB took out half the kitchen. Tommy has had enough: This isn’t working. As Tommy starts to check out the damage in the kitchen, PopaBear chucks the fire extinguisher at Tommy, missing him and hitting the kitchen cabinet. Strong arm for a guy who is so old he couldn’t figure out how to cook some eggs. If Tommy even thinks of putting PopaBear into a home, he will burn down this whole apartment, including himself and possibly Tommy. And then the show would be just like Backdraft. Lamest. Movie. Ever.

Probie comes into the dining room and asks Sean if he wants to go grab a drink or something after work. Sean says he can’t because he’s going out to dinner with CrazyTaty, but Probie can join them if he wants. Probie declines: “Maggie scares me… Like if she looks at me too long I might cry.”

Franco is also there, and he’s looking for some advice. He thinks he’s getting submarined by a retard. “One of you got a submarine?” Lou asks Probie and Sean. Franco is pretty sure that Richard the Retard is playing the idiot card way too hard, in order to scare Franco away from dating his sister, Natalie. Lou takes this opportunity to go on a nice long tirade about Special People and their Special Needs. What’s so special about their needs? And about their Olympics? However, it’s Probie who is most able to shed some light on this situation, explaining that maybe Richard is just scared and threatened about Franco swooping in and taking his sister away. Lou and Franco are stunned by Probie’s smart, insightful take on the situation. “He speaks retard.”

CrazyTaty is hungry. Quick! Hide your infants! Sean doesn’t really notice because he’s too busy loving walking around with his lady, window shopping, like his parents did when they were courting? Courting? I have to agree with CrazyT on this one: who even uses that expression anymore? They stop in front of a Tux shop, causing Sean to get all misty eyed about being in a tux one day soon to cement his unholy alliance with the spawn of Satan. CrazyTaty informs Sean that he won’t be marrying her in a monkey suit, which starts to make Sean think they aren’t exactly on the same page; CrazyTaty doesn’t even think they’re in the same book. Well, Sean is reading: Richard the Retard’s Guide to Being a Functionally Mentally Handicapped and CrazyTaty is rereading the Tatum O’Neal autobiography I’m One Crazy Bitch. Sean backs down; he doesn’t care what he’s wearing as long as they can take their vows in the eyes of God. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. A church? Do you know what happens to CrazyTaty once she enters the lord’s crib? Spontaneous combustion. She hates churches, ever since her father took her there when she was a child, chopped off all her hair and looked for the 666 on the back of her skull. CrazyTaty and church are like Paris Hilton and not being a skank: they just don’t mix. But Sean won’t back down this time: He loves her, in letters 8 miles high (aww), but this is a deal breaker. Finally, CrazyTaty gives Sean something (besides HPV), and agrees to the whole church thing.

We next get to see the tail end of Capt. Jerry’s date with Carlyne, his wife’s younger, blacker, illegal immigrant-ier Nurse. She is feeding Capt. Jerry, and somehow I am the one getting nauseas. I like Capt. Jerry and all, but don’t need to see or think of him in any kind of sexual encounter (unless it’s with Ellis Grey, because Old People are sweet). Carlyne wants to take things to the next level, but Capt. Jerry declines. He might kill himself for it later, but he’ll have to take a rain check.

Back at Tommy’s Pad of Sin, Tommy has just arrived home and is ready to take a leak. Whoops. Hot girl in the bathroom. She’s a friend of Lou’s. Tommy goes into Lou’s room to congratulate him and get the rundown. Lou isn’t the kind to kiss & tell, but Tommy gets most of the story, when said hot girl comes out of the bathroom in a full-on nun habit.

What’s up with hot nuns on television this season? Tommy storms back into Lou’s room looking for answers. Is that nun costume for real? Or was her French Maid’s costume at the cleaner’s? Lou is very calm as Tommy totally flies off the handle. Lou’s discovered some Buddhist enlightenment. “My foot is going to take the enlightened path up your ass,” (Oh how proud Red Foreman would’ve been for that one). You see, the hot nun is only a semi-nun (“Is she in the nun national guard?”); she is defecting from the nunnery and trying to discover life outside the convent. And on top of Lou’s hog! Lou suggests some Green Tea and discussion, but Tommy won’t hear any of it. He’s too shocked:

He only has one boundary, and that’s not screwing nuns. Yeah, right Tommy. You banged your nephew’s girlfriend/Science Teacher, raped your ex-wife and banged your ex-sister-in-law all in a three week period. I don’t know how strong your talk of “boundaries” holds true. It seems Lou met Sister Teressa out of her nun garb, they hit it off and BAM had an Afternoon Delight. Lou says this could be big for him. Of course it is! What’s bigger than a nun? A saint? Tommy’s right on the points system bagging a nun has got to be worth like 50 points and cult status. At least. Teressa’s only been with two guys before, a guy in high school, and, you know, Jesus. That Jesus! What a P-I-M-P! Lou is so deep in his afterglow that he says the funniest and most blasphemous thing I’ve ever heard (besides calling Jesus a pimp, I guess). He’s got a hundred pounds on JC and there aren’t any holes in his hands. BRING IT ON JESUS! And I laughed and laughed and laughed. And then burnt in hell. Tommy collapses with this, as boundary number 2 – no beating up Jesus – has been shattered. Lou is literally burning a whole straight through Tommy’s soul. On the upside it’s nice to hear that Tommy does, in fact, have a soul. So that’s a plus, he’s got that going for him.

Later on when Tommy and Lou are at the firehouse, Sheila calls Tommy to tell him that PopaBear has flown the coup. Tommy isn’t so worried – PopaBear is 83 years old, where could he have gone? But this time PB has left a note saying that Tommy is a mondo disappointment, he couldn’t give him a male heir and that PB is going to kill himself. Downgrade. Side comment: Sheila finds Rosary beads and asks whose they are. Tommy says they are Lou’s. “Lou’s a Catholic? I didn’t know he was into that.” “He got into it last night.”

Uncle Teddy, meanwhile, is checking out his ingrown toenails in the prison yard, when one of the guards comes over. It seems there is a problem. The other prisoners think that Uncle Teddy is getting a free ride on account of him being a partially famous murderer/martyr and all. So now, he’s going to have to get a job. Ugh! Great! Can’t a man just murder a guy in cold blood and be left alone anymore? To make matters worse, later on during one of his increasingly disturbing conjugal visits, he starts complaining to his rapidly crazier wife about all his problems with prison, to which she utters the immortal phrase: “How come you never ask me about my day?” A job! A kvetching wife! This prison thing isn’t as great as he thought it’d be. Duh, Uncle Teddy. That’s why it’s called prison and not Happy Fun Time Place. I suspect Uncle Teddy will be looking to his lawyer and the cavalcade of M.A.D.D. protestors to get him a one way ticket out of the clink pretty soon.

Tommy and Lou are out looking for PopaBear who is still Old Man MIA. Tommy quips to Lou about it being Speed Dating night at the convent, but Lou is unphased. In fact, he tells Tommy that he’d really like for the three of them, Lou, Tommy and Sister Sluttypants, to go out to dinner one night. Tommy totally poo poos on this idea. Tommy might think that this is a horror show, but for Lou it could be a total life change. His cousin is still hounding him about going to work for him on the fishing boat. Tommy has had enough about the fishing boat! Either do it or don’t, he says, but just stop talking about it!

After thinking of all the bars that have turned into either Korean nail salons or gay bars that PopaBear could’ve headed to, Tommy figures out that his father is at the cemetery. And sure enough there’s PopaBear, drunk and warbling some Irish mourning song to his dead wife’s grave. Oh what a woman she must’ve been to deal with this guy.

SHE SAVED THE GAVINS. A LOT.

PopaBear is crying like a little girl when Tommy shows up, and he is instructed to say hello to his mother. PopaBear starts going on and on about how the best years of his life were spent with her. Tommy is confused: “You two used to fight like two wet cats in a bag.” Ahh, but in between the fighting there were some good times. PopaBear continues to get sadder, as he tells Tommy that this is his future. He tells him: “You were a bright lad, well, not bright, but popular.” His point is that there is so little time left and before you know it, it’s going to be Tommy sitting in the graveyard, drunk, bawling his eyes out. Tommy looks around, and notices the headstones for his mother, his cousin, his son. It’s got to be hard being Tommy Gavin sometimes – he’s a young guy, relatively, to have all these graves to visit.

Franco and Richard the Retard are out at a diner, where Franco is laying things out on the line for him. You see, he loves Natalie and wants to keep seeing her. This prompts Richard the Retard to start screaming “I want my sundae!”, which is what I’m going to do every time I don’t get my way from now on. Franco tells him to calm down, and suddenly, RTR’s Tourette’s starts flaring up, much to the chagrin of the African American gentleman behind him. Franco finally tells him to cut the shit.

He knows exactly what he’s doing, and it’s not going to work. He realizes that RTR is playing a game because it looks like the balance of power is starting to shift, So he’s kicking up the retard thing into high gear. Franco suggests that they share Natalie, but Richard the Retard needs to reign the retardation level to a calming 6 rather than the 11 that the guys at Spinal Tap would enjoy. Richard agrees noting that they may have stuff in common: “We’re both smarter than we look.” Franco is happy; since he didn’t know he looked smart at all, and then formally asks Richard the Only Slightly Retarded if he can continue seeing Natalie. Richard is visibly touched – nobody has ever asked him his permission on anything before.

Speaking of retards, Sean and CrazyTaty are in church waiting for Father Dan to interview them about getting married. CrazyTaty is as nervous as a whore in church. Oh. Wait. She’s smoking and swearing and generally mean to the priest. He asks them their names, and we find out that Maggie isn’t CrazyTaty’s name at all, it’s Peggy Sue. “Your dad was a big Buddy Holly fan?” Father Dan asks. “Did he name me Buddy?” Oh CrazyTaty, your acidic semi-lucid tongue never ceases to amaze me. This is going to be Sean’s first wedding and CrazyTaty’s third, but first in the church. Sean starts to make excuses for CrazyT, and lies to the priest that they are getting counseling for their issues. The priest at this point assumes that they are there on a dare. CrazyTaty does not like this implication, and comes to the defense of her man, quite literally raising hell and at one point calling a man of the cloth a “tool.” The priest has had enough and leaves, but before he does he asks CrazyTaty if he knows her from the Exorcism that he did or from somewhere else.

At the firehouse, Capt. Jerry pulls Tommy aside and asks him for a favor. He’s having some performance issues with Carlyne, and needs a little Viagra to get the fires burning. “Tapping Mary Tyler Moore is one thing, but Eartha Kitt is a whole other story.” I echo Tommy’s sentiments with a big YUCK.

I guess the whole stint in the cemetery got Tommy’s mind swirling, because Sheila is in the firehouse and they are looking over some pictures of houses they can runaway with together with her widow money. Tommy looks at the pictures and (adorable alert!) he picks the same top three houses as Sheila. He then segues into the awkward request of Sheila snooping in Damien’s room for some Viagra. Sheila is mad, and Tommy is about one sentence away from another drugging/raping (is that going to come up again or what?), but he swears that the pills are for Capt. Jerry.

As Sheila leaves, Lou comes out to give Tommy some good news. Lou’s Uncle Red, fell in the bathtub last night! Wait, that’s not the good news. The good news is that it got Lou thinking: Why not have PopaBear move in with Uncle Red! That way they’ll keep an eye on each other and yet maintain their independence. It’s a foolproof plan! Not according to Tommy, who thinks that putting the two of them together will create a “sick evil vortex”. Come on Tommy, no more evil than the Gavin Father and Son combination. Well, Lou passed the idea along to Uncle Red, who passed the idea along to PopaBear, and everyone is on board except Tommy. Tommy finally caves, saying that this is all on Lou’s head when something goes horribly wrong. This being Rescue Me, that’s a very distinct possibility.

Although I’ve gone on record several times stating that I hate both Janet and Johnny, it is quite nice to see them as a real, excited couple over their (?) baby. Johnny is on his way out to work when he reveals his list of baby names to Janet. Roman Gavin. No? How about Namoth Gavin? It’s strong, it’s sexy. Janet, quick on the uptake, asks if all of the options that Johnny has are names ofpast and present NFL QB’s. Well, next on his list were Joe Montana Gavin, but he thought that’d be too much, Alright, you’ve both won me over, but only so briefly!

Tommy is sitting in the locker room, crunching numbers about his pension, when Lou walks in on him. Is Tommy thinking about getting out? Maybe not getting out, per say, he’s just never looked at his pension before. It’d be tight, but the numbers are there. He could do it. But it’s not just about the numbers for him. And I truly believe that. I think more than anyone else on this show, Tommy is the one who is doing what he loves. He loves being a firefighter, and not just for the obvious psycho-babble reasons of him being addicted to disaster, etc. He is thinking about the kids at his friend Needle’s firehouse, and about their own Probie. Don’t they owe it to them to teach them a little something before the old timer’s run off into the sunset? Look at what Probie did just a few weeks ago with the Stack thing. He would’ve never gotten to that point if it wasn’t for guys like Tommy and Lou. Lou counters with when is enough, enough? When do you take a look around and say, you know what I’m lucky to be ABLE to get out. And there’s still that all important extra component: Time. They might not be Probies anymore, but they aren’t Uncle Red and PopaBear. There is still time.

As this debate fades away, Probie enters the locker room looking for some advice from Tommy. See, at first I wrote looking for some cock from Tommy. But I feel like as long as I make fun of Probie for being gay, I’m just encouraging the writers to keep this INCREDIBLY STUPID PLOTLINE ALIVE. Probie is scared. He was shopping at Barney’s and walked around for hours. Then bought some face cream. Then got a pedicure. Then got his ass waxed. Well he must be gay. You see, this would’ve been really funny a few months ago, if say, we never delved into this whole Probie sexuality thing. Now it just seems like they won’t admit defeat and let the plotline die. Probie isn’t gay – he’s just turning into Ryan Seacrest. Or is that the same thing? Regardless, Tommy’s only advice is for Probie to call a chick in his cell phone he can bang to remind him how delightful a fur burger can be. What is that the Bush Administration’s new policy on homosexuality? ZING! That’s right, not just snarky recaps, also political commentary here at TVgasm! SUCK IT JON STEWART!!!!

Later on, Probie has just finished de-gayifying himself by plowing the eager to help, Paula. She’s here to help. Umm, Paula, I’m feeling gay. You know what would help me. A blowjob. If it were only that easy… Paula and Probie have some post-coital snuggling (gay) and he starts stroking her hair (gay) and asks her what she uses in her hair (gay) because his “do is really bumming him out” (gay, gay, gay). You happy Peter Nolan? We get it. Probie says and does gay things. Please leave it alone. After Probie expresses interest in all of Paula’s hair care products, she turns over and tells him they have to go again. She’ll bang the gay right out of him if it’s the last thing she does! Paula, I think I speak for a large portion of the male TVgasm reading community when I say; I really like your hair too.

Sheila is at the real estate office and calls Tommy to tell him mission accomplished on the Viagra thing. She goes over to the real estate agent, shows her the top pick that both she Tommy chose and gets out her checkbook to buy the house. No questions asked just a few hundred thousand dollar check. I guess the episode devoted to closing fees and contract negotiations and engineering reports would’ve been mucho boring.

Outside the firehouse, CrazyTaty is waiting for Sean, who isn’t returning any of her phone calls. She’s also brought him the lamest peace offering ever: two avocados. Is it weird that I’m not as surprised that she brought Sean two avocados as I am that Sean can identify an avocado? Sean called Father Dan and not only have they been banned from the church, he’s made sure they don’t get anywhere close to the Diocese. Poor Sean, that’s really all he wanted. CrazyTaty actually takes the high road (get it, HIGH road), and apologizes, an event so shocking that she feels the need to shout it out loud and refer to herself in the third person. She also loves Sean in letters eight miles high. Sean tells CrazyTaty that he was thinking about her when he got home and he threw up. He actually vomited thinking about her. “I’m not the smartest guy on the planet, but maybe you shouldn’t get married to a person who actually makes you throw up.” Is that not the best reason for a break-up, like, ever? Sean may not make good points very often, but this certainly is one of them. I naïvely hope that this is the end of Sean and CrazyTaty, mostly because although I make fun of Sean a lot, I like the guy. And although I make fun of CrazyTaty a lot, I don’t like her at all.

Over at the Sick Evil Vortex, Uncle Red and PopaBear are celebrating their emancipation with a little Sangria. But Uncle Red has some ground rules for Tommy and Lou. No snooping around, no popping in, no checking up. They might be busy entertaining the ladies, so call first. You never know when Uncle Red is going to be getting his swerve on. On a sidenote:

Now on to the big shock ending. In what may be the most disturbing image in Rescue Me history (which includes the bloody death of a toddler), we say Capt. Jerry jack hammering away on Carlyne. YIIIIIIIKES.

Carlyne is very impressed with his stamina, but Capt. Jerry admits that he and Mr. Wonderful – barf – had a little help. Suddenly, Capt. Jerry starts clutching his chest. He’s feeling some pain; he needs Carlyne to call someone. Carlyne starts to get her shit together and leave Capt. Jerry. You see, this is where her illegal immigrant status is coming in to play. She can’t help Capt. Jerry, or else she’ll get booted out of the country. So what’s a little murder compared to getting paid under the table at a nursing home? Capt. Jerry is in really bad shape, but Carlyne tells him he’s going to be fine. Just no matter what happens don’t tell anyone she was here. Carlyne leaves, and Capt Jerry, collapses on to the floor.

Meanwhile, Johnny and his partner are on a stakeout, having a very Tarantino-Reservoir Dogs-esque conversation about Madonna vs. Cher. Johnny lights up a cigarette, but his partner tells him that there is no smoking in his car. Johnny drops the bombshell on us: He went to a Cher concert. Yikes. Cher might have a “Gold Medal Ass”, but Madonna uses roller skates in her show. “Madonna had roller skating?” Then BAM! 1, 2, 3 shots to the chest. Johnny is down. Imagine the last words you ever said were: “Madonna had roller skating.”

Now we don’t know the fate of either of these two guys, but one of them is almost surely dead. My money is on Capt. Jerry. I could be totally wrong, but I think his death would make a lot of things easier for everyone (sorry, Capt. J!). This would probably mean a promotion to Lou and Franco, keeping the firehouse together. And, I just can’t stomach another loss for the Gavins. Come on now. How much loss can one family take in such a short time? Just an FYI – I knew about a death coming up, and I was SURE that Richard the Retard was going to take out Franco. Did anyone else think that? Who do you think is going to the big ladder company in the sky?