Blood Brothers

By Umnata

Oooh Boy! Am I glad that I jumped on the Rescue Me bandwagon! I haven’t been so excited about picking up a show in its third season since someone all but forced me to start watching America’s Next Top Model… uhh… I mean Sportscenter. Tonight’s show had everything you could want in a quality hour of television: Secrets Revealed: Check. Kinky Sex: Check. Clever Dialogue: Check. Sibling Rivalry: Check. The alien host that now controls Tatum O’Neal: Double Check. It also had one of the best on-screen television beatings of all-time. Attention all you Sopranos fans who felt this season was heavy on the Johnny Cakes and light on the bloodshed, try to catch the last ten minutes of this episode. Your thirst for blood will be more than quenched. So as that show cools down, this one is revving up, and me likey!We kick off the episode with one of my favorite sights: Sheila. She is holding up her end of the bargain she made with Tommy last week by coming over and wiping his dad’s ass a few mornings a week. Charles Durning, I heart you and your old cranky bladder. Sheila and Popa Bear are discussing his super sweet 83rd birthday party, and before Tommy comes in for his AM coffee fix, Sheila starts questioning Poppa Bear about Tommy. Sheila wants to know if these morning visits are just a favor or if they are a “thing.” I roll my eyes, because although I like Sheila she’s acting like a sixteen year old girl straight out of some Hilary Lohan movie. Finally, Tommy comes in, and Sheila gives him coffee in a fag-tastic travel mug. Tommy, of course is having none of it and takes this time to make a Brokeback Mountain joke, and just when you think that Brokeback Mountain jokes are no longer funny, Denis Leary slips one by you. For a firehouse that spends as much time comparing their latest ho-slayings as they do discussing their “feelings”, I find his objections to the travel mug a little over the top. But I laugh nonetheless. Score one: Team Leary.

YOU KNOW HOW I KNOW YOU’RE GAY? YOU DRINK COFFEE OUT OF A TRAVEL MUG.

Tommy is also on the prowl for some more information on ex-wife/ice queen Janet’s new boyfriend, to which Sheila amusingly refers to herself as not the only whore in the family.

On his way over to the firehouse Tommy spots Fat Lou smoking a cigar. Uh oh! That goes against there whole Ya-Ya Sisterhood oath against smoking. Lou’s going to have to put some money in the smoking kitty. After a ribbing from Sheila earlier this morning, when she correctly pointed out that her travel mug full of coffee was no more or less gay than having a smoking “kitty”, Tommy has been trying to subtly get the guys to start calling it a “can.” Apparently the other guys in the firehouse are a little more secure about their heterosexuality because they don’t pick up on Tommy’s new suggestions. They also oil each other down after every fire, which is weird.

Back to poor Lou, no sooner does he enter the firehouse with $50.00 to the kittycan looming over his head than he is cornered by the chief asking for a potential loan for the rising cost of living in his wife’s nursing home. Lou tries to find a way around it without having to tell the Chief that he doesn’t have any money because the hooker with the heart of gold stole his life savings last season. But instead he gives in and starts planning out a convenient and inconspicuous way to off the Chief’s wife to avoid the loan.

HMM… MAYBE SOME ARSENIC… THAT SHOULD GET RID OF HER…

As Tommy and Franco are in the locker room getting ready for work, Franco accidentally drops his Fire Lieutenant’s Test Prep book in front of Tommy, who in turn goes on a long tangent about how other firehouses are a bunch of fat lazy guys who make terrible wingmen when scamming for squirrel. Franco should really think about what’s important before he decides to better his career, his life and his daughter’s future. Franco then starts to explain to Tommy in detail about how much better his daughter’s life will be if he can afford to put her into a private school with rich white kids who have access to top-shelf drugs. The conversation makes me a little uncomfortable because he goes on and on about how she is at a major disadvantage because she’s Puerto Rican. He says it like 3 times: “She’s Puerto Rican.” I never thought that being Puerto Rican was like having a Scarlet Letter permanently attached to you. I’m not Puerto Rican myself, but I am a little insulted by the self-hating internal racism that Franco portrays. So are the lovely Puerto Rican women who clean my house and do my laundry.

Later, Probie and Sean are sitting around with Franco discussing their various success levels of the smoking ban. Tommy and Lou come in, and Sean starts busting Lou’s balls about not putting any money in the smoking kittycan yet. Lou has a full-on hissy fit and storms off. Moving on to the next order of business after the bitch-fest that Lou had, is getting Tommy laid. Franco notices that Probie also could use some ass, so his mission is for everyone to get laid. Probie kind of squirms a little, but gives in. As I’ve said, this is the first season I’m watching this show, so I’m not entirely sure if this has been an ongoing thing, but this is the first of many clues in this episode that Probie likes to get down with the cock. Sure, in real life this would mean nothing, maybe the guys just not that into the clubbing and senseless ho-banging scene, but this is a TV show, and nothing means nothing on a TV show. Although I feel like the supporting character who turns out to be, gasp, gay, plot device is pretty been there done that, I’m interested to see where it is going. I think the firehouses reaction to one of their buddies who likes to extinguish another guys hose will be pretty hilarious.

The boys are next walking out of a fire and Sean just has to tell Franco the secret that he’s been telling his Magic Diary for months and months: His mystery girlfriend is none other than Tommy’s sister Crazy Taty! Franco, realizing the wrath of God that will come down from Tommy if he finds out about this little affair, wants to hear nothing more from Sean on the subject, even if Sean does think she’s the one. Tommy, natch, comes over with some of Sean’s equipment and promises to not-so-gently shove said equipment some place rather uncomfortable if he were to ever find Sean’s stuff lying around again. Sean promptly shits his pants.

To blow off some much needed steam the boys head over to Lotus for the aforementioned pussy patrol. They promptly notice that some sexy old dish is massively eye-raping one of them at the table.

Can we take a moment to discuss the supreme hotness of Susan Sarandon? I know, I know. For everyone who thinks she is a hot piece of reformed hippy ass, there is one who thinks she is wrinkled up communist hag, but I’m going to side with the guys on this one. YUM. Although these guys are not easily intimidated, especially by disposable pieces of tail, they are kind of hesitant about going up to this older, sophisticated, independent woman, even though she is basically giving them the keys to her coochie, with just a few looks. Just as Tommy has found the big balls to go talk to Janet, Sean, who at first I thought was just an ass, and now I’m finding to be kind of lovably schmuckish, points out that the H.O.L. (Hot Old Lady) looks like his mom. Instant Boner killer. Tommy sits down, and they start to have a very weird conversation about Sean’s mom and how hot she is. Which isn’t so weird; Guys always talk about hot moms. The weird thing was that in this case, Sean is the one leading the conversation. His relationship with Crazy Taty, is making more and more sense.

Luckily for Tommy, the littler soldier is going to get another chance to march, as a young, peppy blonde makes her way over, and starts to cream when she finds out that Tommy is a real life New York City firefighter.

Thank. God. For. Sluts.

Over at the other end of the bar the guys are wondering what the Probie is doing talking to his ol’ buddy from Probie school instead of chasing the tons of chickies at Lotus.

PROBIE GAYWATCH BEGINS.

You’re led to believe that they are going to show us Probie and this other guy talking about their clandestine love affair and adoration of travel mugs. Curveball, they are talking about their impending graduation from Probie school, and the subsequent transfer to other firehouses most newly minted firemen make. Probie, however, isn’t too sure he wants to go to another firehouse because these guys are like his family. Besides when Franco gets drunk he lets Probie cup his balls, and that’s just not something he’s ready to give up just yet.

This whole time Lou has been having a drunken fight with his ex-wife over the phone because he wants her to give him back the old watch that he gave her years ago. Now that they’re divorced and Lou’s given all his money to a porn star, he could use the extra cash. Lou then stumbles over to the table with the guys and finds out that the H.O.L., is still making eyes at the strapping lads. Lou, feeling no pain, with lots of booze coursing through him makes his way over to the H.O.L. to work his charm. She bitch-slaps him down and tells her to bring that fine Puerto Rican Papi Franco over her way for a taste. Franco then goes over to her and starts talking to her like a sixteen year old virgin in a whorehouse. He’s all awkward body language and conversation, which doesn’t seem like Franco at all. The H.O.L. takes note of this and promptly starts one of those only on television conversations, where she psychoanalyzes him in about 20 seconds. She tells him that he’s intimidated, he’s never satisfied and he’s tired of girls and needs a woman and that his father beat him and his mother never loved him. Franco is turned on and intrigued, but isn’t smart enough to realize it. He takes the H.O.L.’s card, as she’ll only be in town for a few more days, and pretty soon they’ll be doin’ it, doin’ it, phone doin’ it.

I think I love you.

Tommy, meanwhile has sealed the deal with the hot blonde, desite finding out that she’s quite a talker. Tommy thinks the oral skills he’s discovered thus far are a good indication of things to come, and she likes the fact that he’s the same age as he dad (“Why does that turn me on?” Umm, because you’re a whore.), so they take the party back to her place. But she hasn’t shut up yet. They’re getting hot and heavy, and she’s still gab, gab, gabbing. It’s really funny, because I think we’ve all been there before, guys or girls; Everyone has hooked up with a talker. Tommy, always one step ahead of me, heads over to the kitchen and finds what I will now be keeping on hand in my Emergency Hook-up Kit: Duct Tape. Tommy Gavin, you are a genius!

The next day Tommy is treating his girls to a day on the town. He’s in chapter 10 in his divorced dad handbook, and is bribing his daughters with cash and junk food to keep the kids in his favor. Once I see Tommy hand his teenage daughter a few hundred bucks to keep her loving him, I get really depressed that my parents are still happily married. He sends Colleen off with her hush money and takes younger daughter on an all day junk food bender. Children of Divorce get all the breaks!

Over at the home that the captain has his Alzheimer’s stricken wife in, he is a little depressed because she thinks that he is her brother. Alzheimer’s sucks. There’s really no snide comment to make about that. The whole scene is really depressing. Capt.’s wife shows him all the paintings she has done at the home, and they’re pretty good, and the poor woman loves it there. But she doesn’t know about the rent hike the bastards at the home have put into effect. Those bureaucratic life ruining bastards. He mentions to her that maybe she’d be happier somewhere else, somewhere closer to home. Unfortunately, although she does have Alzheimer’s this woman isn’t stupid. She takes no time to tell the captain, quite matter of factly and quite calmly, that if he were to move her out of there, she would die. Ouch. Guess the Captain is going to have to start selling his body on the streets of New York pretty soon. Maybe he should start with Probie.

HEY PROBIE! FREE KISSES! THE REST STARTS AT $50.00

Lou, taking another step towards becoming the dumbest person alive, decides to break into his ex-wife’s house to steal his watch back. He must still be drunk from the previous night out, because when his breaking and entering kit doesn’t help him get into the house, he decides to punch a hole through the window and unlock the door. Not the smartest move, but then again, this is a guy who gave $18,000 to a porn star last season, so we’re just lucky that he has mastered the art of bringing a glass to his mouth when taking a sip of water. Naturally, he cuts the shit out of his hand, and hits some kind of vein because he’s bleeding like crazy. Soon he goes to the Night Nurse who cleans him up after the botched thievery of his ex-wife, and for the first time confides in someone, about his problems. Poor Lou, the Night Nurse thinks he’s joking and laughs off his whole mini-confession.

Yes! My weekly dose of Tatum is coming up next! I don’t know why I get such a perverse pleasure out of watching the star of the original Bad News Bears in her current nutso state. It’s not just the crying on Oprah’s couch. Or the who’s crazier marriage she had with John McEnroe. Or the debacle that was her appearance on Dancing with the Stars. Or the drug problems. Or the fact that she’s an Oscar Winner. Oh, wait. Yes it is! It’s all those things. She’s about half a snort away from a full-on mental breakdown, and the more work she gets, the more likely we’re talking a Tom Cruise/Mariah Carey/Gary Busey public self destruction that, to me, is the best reality television there is. We catch Sean and Crazy Taty (so close to her character do I consider Tatum, that I barely recognize that she is a character – whose name is Maggie, by the way), post-coital, when Crazy Taty is making herself a Manhattan, with no cherries, because she doesn’t like fruit in her drinks. Or any foods that are green. Or when Jesus and Muhammad Ali and Sigfried and Roy’s Tiger come talk to her at night.

Sean is starting to get antsy about telling Tommy that they are a couple. Crazy Taty thinks this a bad idea, because Tommy has had a long history of going nuts (who is she to judge?) when finding out that his sister is dating one of his friends.

Tommy has returned his girls back to his apartment and for one unlucky little lady she’s starting to suffer from a junk food hang over, and hitting the bowl pretty hard. Boy, does that bring me back.

MR. PIBB + RED VINES DID NOT = CRAZY DELICIOUS.

Tommy soon gets into a fight with his other daughter, Colleen, who is only drunk on one thing: Jesus. Apparently all the kids at school are SOOO over giving blowjobs, and now the only time they get on their knees is at the altar. That’s right everyone, according to Colleen, born again Christianity is what it’s all about these days. We know this because when Tommy asks her what the deal is with her newfound religion, she answers: “All the kids are doing it!” Her relationship with JC must be pretty serious if she is quoting the Ten Commandments. And just like Jesus, Colleen blackmails her dad into keeping his secret about getting little Katy wasted on crack and cotton candy. Isn’t that exactly what happened in the bible?

Finally, we are treated to Popa Bear’s Super Sweet 83rd Birthday Party! So let’s see what Sheila has been up to besides planting cameras in Tommy’s bedroom to keep tabs on her man. She wanted to have it somewhere a little nicer, but Popa Bear loves him some China Buffet. And who could blame him? In the next 10 minutes Sheila will be getting caught making several racial slurs about Asian people by the workers of the restaurant, and I will laugh and laugh, because in case you haven’t caught on yet, I love a good awkward racial encounter.

Apparently, Franco and Probie went on a double date, and although Probie couldn’t seal the deal the night before, he brought the chick to the birthday party, mostly to throw us off his Gaywatch trail! I won’t be fooled so easily Rescue Me! Although I am starting to doubt my predictions, I am now 100% convinced that even if he’s not gay, he should be.

Sorry Probie.

On a sidenote, Franco did get lucky on the double date, which led to my favorite quote of the night: “She’s the kind of girl I call a firecracker. You know. She’s got one good bang in her and that’s about it.”

The usually quite dim Lou is starting to put two other puzzles together. While he’s talking to Johnny and Sean, they both swear up and down that they are dating chicks, but, umm, uhh, they are definitely not dating ANYONE at the party. Definitely. I love that everyone on this show is kind of dumb.

As a precursor to the crappy night Tommy is about to have, he has a downer of a conversation with his sponsor, about how most relapses happen at family events, because of the pressure and the judging.

WORST. SPONSOR. EVER.

Around the dinner table, Tommy notices that when Crazy Taty gets her drink Sean instinctually takes her fruit out of her drink, and you see the wheels start moving, as I think he starts to piece together the fact that his sister may be screwing his friend. Incidentally, he doesn’t seem too annoyed, and if I’m not mistaken, he even smiles a little.

IS THAT A SMILE? OR JUST GAS?

After dinner, they bring out a birthday cake to Popa Bear and he warns them that if anyone starts singing he’ll start pissing on the cake. It’s like being at my own family birthday party. He then starts in on some speech that’s supposed to be funny and sweet, and ends up being about him dieing soon. Downer. Unfortunately, not as much as a downer of what happens next.

Tommy drops a napkin or something, and when he picks it up under the table he sees his brother Johnny and his ex-wife Janet holding hands, figuring out that his Johnny is the mystery boyfriend Janet been seeing for the past few weeks.

UH OH.

Who? Us?

Tommy takes a minute to process this information, and for a split second you think he’s going to just take a deep breath and deal with it:

And then this happens:

It looks like its all over with this withering stare:

And then this happens:

Somehow this all became Sheila’s fault (Not that I’m complaining):

Things pretty much go downhill from there for Johnny:

So do you think the term “anti-hero” even existed before Tommy Gavin? He (literally) kicked ass in this episode. What did you think? Sure, his beating of Johnny was a little over the top, but it was pretty awesome. Can’t wait to see how this turns out for him next week.