HaPpY NeW YeaR, GasMIi!
I hope you all had a wonderful holiday and ate lots of black-eyed peas and collard greens (with a side of Swiss Cake Roll, ‘natch) so that we all have luck and money raining down on us in 2012 before the world ends and we all are incinerated into tiny piles of dust or whatev.
Before we get started with Revenge, I have an EXCITING ANNOUNCEMENT! Due to popular demand, The S-Natch Fan Club has been formed! Members get a years’ supply of Little Debbie snack cakes, a pup tent that can double as a fancy party dress, 15 pounds of gov’ment cheese, and the helpful book, How 2 Rise A Chilld Wile Geting Kolledge Degress written by the president of my fan club herself!
SEND ALL MEMBERSHIP INQUIRIES CARE OF PRESIDENT CANDES – HURRY WHILE SUPPLIES LAST!
It seems like forever since we last met for a little taste of Revenge. After keeping us waiting for so long, let’s hope it doesn’t disappoint. Ready for a little Duress (and I don’t mean not the kind that I feel when Mr. S-Natch has that certain “gleam in his eye)? Let’s go!
The opening is AWESOME! Emily is doing a voice over of the legal definition of “duress,” commenting that when duress is applied to the emotionally unstable the result can be as violent as it is unpredictable – all while Tyler is confronting the people at Daniel’s birthday party and leveling a gun at Emily’s head.
Flashback to two days earlier.
Daniel had spent the night at Victoria’s house because she was lonely after Charlotte walked out to go live with Conrad, and Daniel was concerned about Tyler being alone with his mother. Daniel meets Emily at her house for coffee and says that Tyler had not come home the night before. Daniel tells Emily that Victoria is planning his birthday party, and the last time she did that was his 21st. And there were clowns.
EMILY SUGGESTS A CLAM BAKE ON THE BEACH INSTEAD
Conrad stops by on his way to meet with Vicki and the lawyers.
THAT SHOULD GO WELL
Conrad asks to speak with Daniel. Conrad begs Daniel not to cut him out. Daniel reminds him that Conrad chose Tyler over him when it was obvious that Tyler was just using Daniel to get in good with Conrad. Conrad tells Daniel to consider Tyler gone, and Daniel agrees to come back to work for Grayson Enterprises.
CONRAD IS BATTING .1000 ON GREAT IDEAS TODAY!
Daniel calls Victoria and tells him that Conrad came over and Daniel convinced him that he was back in his good graces, but he us really just positioning himself so that Victoria can get whatever she wants in the divorce. Victoria tells Daniel that she feels Tyler has overstayed his welcome and that she is going to kick him out as soon as she sees him.
Victoria asks Daniel what he wants to do for his birthday and he says he wants a clambake. She sees through Daniels pretending that it was his idea and tells Ashley to lend Emily a hand with the event. Victoria is pissed.
BUT THEN, AGAIN, WHEN IS SHE NOT?
Nolan is “sunning” by the pool on an extremely gray and wet day when Emily comes by to apologize for being angry with him for banging Tyler. She says she has trained herself not to trust people, and Nolan counters by telling her that all he ever tried to so was help her and her dad. Nolan tells Emily that she was right about Tyler, and now he has Nolan’s flash drive with all of the info he needs to exploit Conrad. Emily points out that this just might be the rope Tyler needs to hang himself.
OR HE COULD JUST BORROW ONE FROM THIS GUY.
Nolan comments, “Blackmail isn’t just for breakfast anymore.”
HMMM – WONDER WHO HE STOLE THAT ONE FROM?
He then asks about Fauxmanda. Emily tells him that she made sure that Victoria knows that “Amanda” is back in town. Nolan then shows Emily that he can track Tyler through a GPS devise and that he is at the South Fork Inn.
EVEN THOUGH LILSALTY BURST MY BUBBLE ON THIS, I WILL NOT LET FACTS STAND IN MY WAY!
Cool beans! Kelly from King of Queens is Conrad’s lawyer! Wow, she sure did move up after she dumped Deacon. ‘Course, he is a hot hunk of chocolate love, so S-Natchy will volunteer to ease his pain.
I’M MAGNANIMOUS LIKE THAT
Ryan Huntley, Victoria’s attorney, tells Conrad’s lawyer that Victoria will give up ownership rights in all of the properties except Grayson Manor. He goes on to say that she only wants certain pieces of art. Huntley says that his client is being more than fair, only wanting one house, a few paintings and – dun, dun, dun – Charlotte. Conrad says that he is going for full custody of Charlotte because he is trying to honor her choice to live with him. He points out that Victoria is on tape saying that she wishes Charlotte had never been born.
THIS DOES NOT SIT WELL WITH QUEEN VICKI
Kelly (nee Barbara) says that they will be using the pre-nup Victoria signed as a basis for the settlement, but Ryan puts the ix-nay on the re-nup-pay because Victoria was pregnant at the time of the signing and that qualifies as DURESS under the law, so she is entitled to a full 50 percent.
THIS DOES NOT SIT WELL WITH CONNIE
Conrad storms into his office only to find Tyler sitting behind his desk with his feet propped up. Tyler tells “Connie” (Bastard! He stole Nolan’s flash drive and learned all of his S-Natch-phrase stealing techniques – where’s my gun?!) that he is no longer interested in working for the hedge fund. Tyler says that he has a video of Frank tossing Lydia off a building and of Lydia telling how Conrad set up David Clarke.
Tyler tells Conrad that he is willing to negotiate for the videotape. Conrad asks, “You really are a son of a bitch, aren’t you?” Tyler’s response?
Ryan tells Victoria that she should be prepared to go to court, but Victoria insists that she does not want that. Ryan reminds her that she will need to get her hands dirty. Victoria tells him that her hands are already dirty because when she signed the pre-nup she lied and said she was pregnant but she wasn’t, so the contract is valid.
VICTORIA, YOU IGNORANT SLUT!
Victoria says that she told Conrad she miscarried at ten weeks. Emily walks in just as Huntley is leaving but he does not see her. Flashback to Emily confronting Huntley about why he dropped her father’s appeal. She tells him that David was murdered in prison and shows him the box that contained all of the evidence needed to acquit David.
Emily asks Victoria for the name of the photographer who took pictures of herself and Daniel at the Marina party where they “first” met. She says she is making a scrapbook for Daniel for his birthday. Emily also tells Victoria that Ashley has recruited Jack Porter and “Amanda Clarke” to help with the party. Emily “innocently” reminds Victoria that Amanda lived in Emily’s beach house as a little girl. Emily asks Vicki if she remembers Amanda at all. Victoria says she remembers her vaguely and Emily tells her that she is going to invite Fauxmanda and Jack to stay and enjoy the party with them. Victoria comments that she is thrilled and will arrange for a special musical tribute just for Jack and Fauxmanda.
Emily and Nolan are working together to find Nolan’s flash drive. Emily finds it and hangs up before hearing Nolan tell her to leave because Tyler is coming. She finds his Clozapine bottle so she does not exit right away.
Emily calls the number of the doctor on the prescription. She pretends to be a doctor herself and asks to discuss Tyler’s case with the doctor listed on the bottle. The man on the other end says that the doctor is still on leave of absence after “the attack,” but he will connect her to the detective on the case as they have been searching for Tyler.
Emily sees Tyler coming and gets out just in time to watch him freak out over the missing pills.
KIND OF LIKE I FEEL WHEN THE 7-ELEVEN RUNS OUT OF VANILLA ZINGERS
Emily and Nolan are researching the Clozapine and coming up with the same info that yours truly and thisbuggs4you gave us here at the ‘Gasm a month ago. Kudos, Gasmii! Of course, Nolan’s just prolly copying buggs’ ass now, too. Wouldn’t put it past him.
Anyhoo, as a reminder, Clozapine is a serious anti-psychotic and should not be stopped suddenly, as it can cause violent reactions. Nolan sees that Tyler’s doctor’s jaw got wired shut as a result of the attack. He asks Emily what she did with “Shamu” (his flash drive/camera) and she says she put it on the mantle so Nolan could help monitor in case Tyler comes after Daniel.
Nolan finds the police report and find out that Tyler has a brother, Alexander, who is a trauma surgeon. They decide to contact his family rather than the police. Emily tells Nolan to call Tyler’s brother to come pick him up. Nolan calls Alexander who warns them that Tyler is dangerous and that he is coming to get him.
Victoria shows up at Conrad’s hotel looking for Charlotte. Conrad tells her that Tyler is blackmailing him with Lydia’s confession and the video of Frank tossing Lydia off the balcony. Conrad tells Victoria that he discovered that Tyler is no longer enrolled in school, and speculates that he has been planning to extort them from the day he met Daniel.
Emily finds Ashley and Daniel and shows them the bottle of pills she “found” in the pool house. Daniel says he is going to confront Tyler and will not allow Emily and Ashley to come. Emily proves how much she secretly hates Daniel by allowing him to go alone.
BUT I AM CERTAIN TYLER IS JUST A PUSSYCAT
Fauxmanda is scrubbing her clams when Declan reminds her that she needs some antibiotics and ointment to really get the stank off.
IT’S FAUXMANDA’S THEME SONG, Y’ALL!
Declan yaps that Jack had a thing for Emily before Daniel showed up, and SWF is none too pleased. She grills Jack about Emily and he tells her that she has nothing to worry about because he has been waiting for her all his life.
IS THAT A RAKE IN YOUR HAND OR ARE YOU JUST HAPPY TO SEE ME?
(Of course, Real Men just kick people’s asses)
Daniel enters the house (that was shit long walk across the street, since it was daytime when he left Emily’s and now it is full night – maybe he stopped off for some rufies).
Tyler is waiting for him.
Tyler tells Daniel that he already has a ticket back to California and he wants Daniel to come with him. Tyler gets all man-lovie on Daniel as he reminds him of all they have “been through” together. He tells Daniel he has a “purty mouth” that could get in him trouble.
I AM SENSING A THEME HERE
Daniel pulls out his phone and begins to call the police. Tyler grabs him, shoves him into the wall and tells him that Daniel is not as
hot ‘n juicy stupid as he thought. Tyler then storms out.
Emily and Jack are building the fire pit on the beach. Emily asks how Fauxmanda is doing. Jack tells her that he can see the pain and anger fighting to come through sometimes, and that happiness doesn’t come easily to her like it used to. This causes Emily to remember a water gun fight on the beach between them as kids and her dad. Emily says, “be careful of her,” which Jack misinterprets and assures Emily that he won’t ever let anything hurt Fauxmanda ever again.
EXCEPTING FOR MY FIST IN HER LIAR, LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE FACE!
Emily goes into the house and sees Daniel with a gun. He tells her it is for protection in case Tyler was lying about going to California. Nolan calls and tells Emily that Tyler’s GPS is showing him on a plane heading for California. Oops! Turns out that Tyler IS RIGHT BEHIND HIM!!!
DUN, DUN, DUN!
Tyler demands all of the copies of the videos Nolan has. Nolan claims that he already has them, but Tyler isn’t buying it. Nolan pees in his pants a little, and Tyler slashes his arm for good measure, causing Nolan to squee like a girl.
Tyler is distracted by the feed from Shamu, the camera, that Emily put on the mantle. He sees Emily tell Daniel that Tyler is on a plane to San Francisco. Then he hears Emily explain how Nolan bugged Tyler’s phone. Tyler decides to go to Daniel’s party, but not before a quickie.
HOT MAN LOVE. OR MURDER. EITHER ONE.
In the bedroom, Emily gives Daniel the scrapbook she made. She reminds him of the poem he recited to her when they met. She tells him that she has been collecting poems that remind her of him ever since.
Emily and Daniel are at pre-birthday cocktail party. What is it with these rich folk? These people have like 20 parties. Mr. S-Natch puts a candle in a Twinkie for me and calls it a day.
HAPPY F**KING BIRTHDAY
Conrad and Daniel discuss the possibility of Daniel’s moving to Paris for a semester instead of returning to school when Fauxmanda and Jack arrive. Emily intros Fauxmanda to Victoria, causing Vicki to remember a liason with David on the beach. In the flashback, Victoria tells David she is leaving Conrad and moving in with him. Fauxmanda tells Victoria she plans to stay.
JOY ALL AROUND
Tyler’s brother, Alexander, arrives but Nolan, who is tied up and gagged, cannot get his attention. Meanwhile, the birthday party heads out to the beach just as Tyler arrives at the house. Finally, Nolan
swallows spits out the gag and Alexander hears him.
Charlotte tells Fauxmanda that Jack is a keeper and to hang on to him. Fauxmanda watches Jack and Emily on the beach and tells Charlotte that she intends to. Victoria tells Conrad that she is not impressed with Fauxmanda, calling her “a pretty girl with cheap shoes and limited social graces.” Conrad reminds Victoria that she was once an uneducated cheap whore, too, and there are smiles all around.
Nolan tries to warn Emily but gets Tyler instead. Emily toasts Daniel and the Grayson family. Victoria totally steals Emily’s idea (what is with all the stealer people on this show?) and makes Daniel a scrapbook that is fancier than Emily’s.
GAME, SET, MATCH, BEE –YATCH
To add insult to injury, the wardrobe bitch proves once again that she hates Emily by making her wear a see through party dress.
Tyler confronts Emily once she is inside alone and demands to know where Shamu is. Emily tells him off, calling him an impotent little misfit and planting something on him. Tyler pulls a gun on Emily.
Emily comes back with the cake and tries to signal everyone, but they are oblivious to Tyler coming behind her with the gun. Tyler tells Emily to make a wish. I am guessing she is wishing for an army of flying monkeys to come cart his ass off right about now.
Tyler confronts everyone with the long, obligatory speech that allows help to come riding in on a majestic steed. Tyler decides to play Truth or Die. He starts by asking Conrad to come clean about David Clarke or someone will die. Conrad won’t answer and Tyler levels the gun at Emily, when –
TA DA!! ALEXANDER ARRIVES HAVING RIDDEN NOLAN TO THE BEACH
While Alexander distracts him, Jack jumps on Tyler and wrestles the gun away. When he is arrested, Frank’s wallet is found in Tyler’s jacket (Emily’s plant), and now he is the prime suspect in Frank’s murder.
Nolan is talking to Emily and mentions that it is suspicious that there were no bullets in the gun – Emily’s gun – that is always loaded.
Fauxmanda stirs the David Clarke pot by asking Jack if he thinks there is more to the story than Conrad is telling. Victoria’s attorney arrives with documentation “proving” that Victoria had a miscarriage.
AND HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN
So, Gasmii, what’d you think? Was it worth the wait? The floor is yours!