REVENGE Recap: Loyalty

We’re baaack, Gasmii! After a week away from the Hamptons, Revenge has returned! However, since we are all one big happy family here at the ‘Gasm and part of the fun is getting to know each other, I must take a moment for to set the story straight about something that has nothing whatsoever with Revenge or television in general.

Feel free to talk amongst yourselves for the next few paragraphs if you really wish I would just stfu and get to our feature presentation.

Recently, a certain coach of a highly regarded college basketball team made some pointed remarks about some fans “scalping” tickets that made the national news. He ranted about loyalty and even threatened fans with a BB gun.

The “fans” to which he was referring was my very own 73-year old mother.

Let’s set the record straight, shall we? 1) I have been going to said team’s basketball games since before Jesus was born because my mama went to graduate school there and did everything she could to make sure we got to go since the time the used etchings on rocks a la the Flintstones for tickets; 2) My mother (who raised my by herself) used the model of the team’s long-time head coach (not this one) as a role model for how men are supposed to behave since I didn’t even meet my father until I was 28 years old and tracked his sorry ass down myself; 3) My mother’s boyfriend of 30 years (yup – Mama S-Natch is a pioneer) died within the past few years and these basketball games have become a lifeline for her and one of the most important things in her life.

What happened in that certain neon-lit city known for Black Jack tables and dancing girls was this: My mother invited two of her friends from California and my daughter to go to the tournament. The two friends had to get back to California before the final game. One of the friends sold the tickets (at face value – not “scalping”) to a guy dressed in neutral clothing who said he was a fan of our team. When he took his seat along with his father, the father was dressed loudly in the opposing team’s colors and logo. They were offered front row seats in their team’s section, but refused. They were very polite, however, and cheered appropriately for their team.

When my mother got on the bus to go back to the hotel, MRS. Head Coach literally got in her face and screamed at my 73-YEAR OLD MOTHER, berating her about whether she was the one who sold the tickets. My mother, fearful of the wrath of said head coach and that one of the true pleasures of her life would be taken away by him (he has publicly said that he would make sure that no one who sold tickets to an opposing team’s fan would ever be allowed to get tickets again), and telling the literal truth, said she had not sold the tickets.

Now, maybe it is just me, here, Gasmii, but I think that, perhaps, if said coach was more concerned about what was going on on the court instead of in the stands, the consensus pre-season-number one-projected-to-go-undefeated team would not have two losses already.

And perhaps it’s not a good idea to alienate the people who pay your fucking salary (okay, literally it is the University, but the support of the fans determines the amount of said salary).

Okay. I feel better now. Thanks, Gasmii.

Now, on to REVENGE!!!

Since we did not have a new episode last week, let’s recap:

NOLAN IS A RAT FINK STEALER PERSON

Okay. On to “Loyalty.”

We open with Emily and Takeda practicing martial arts on the dock. Emily remarks that she never forgets anything, and for a moment I think I have recorded the wrong show.

Takeda then asks her, “How can you stand the touch of your enemy’s son” and demonstrates his favorite position in case said “touch” is, indeed, standable.

He tells her that if she gets all girly and lets her emotions take over she will fail. They talk about more ancient Chinese secrets, and I am confused about why laundry enters into all of this (if you admit you get that one, I’ll know you are as old as both Methuselah and myself). Takeda says, “Let your opponent do the work for you,” and I, again, feel like my DVR has gone bonkers.

PATIENCE, GRASSHOPPER. IN FUTURE I SEE ONE NAMED “RUSSELL” WHO WILL COME HANG OUT WITH YOU.

Ashley slithers up to Victoria just as she is reading her divorce papers. She tells Vicki that she had made lunch reservations for them. Victoria shuts that bitch down faster than a whorehouse in the Bible belt by telling her to fuck off and to refer to her as Ms. Grayson. Not content with one bitch slap, Ashley pursues her and finds out that Conrad has filed for divorce. Ashley rams her nose far into Victoria’s anal cavity by telling her how wonderful she is and how Ashley will do anything for her. Victoria asks Ashley to bring Daniel home, and she says she will try.

Tyler is popping pills as Ashley pops in. Tyler tells her that he swapped spit with Nolan only to ensure their future, and tells Ashley she can shit or get off the pot.

Fauxmanda enters The Stowaway looking for Jack and finds Sam the Wonder Dog instead. Sam barks furiously. Jack calls him senile, and gives Fauxmanda a big plate of blueberry pancakes because he remembers she likes them. Fauxmanda looks at them as if she they were made of Kryptonite.

Jack reminds her of when he first met Sam. Fauxmanda pretends that Memory Lane is too painful. Jack tells her how great it is to have her back, and Fauxmanda’s co-dependent obsession flips faster than those pancakes from stomach to toilet.

Nolan and Emily are meeting, and Nolan tells her that Tyler has been cyber stalking her father, David Clarke. Emily tells him to pull the 20 million investment he had promised Tyler so Tyler will then blackmail Conrad with the information in the shredded speech.

Nolan tells Emily he is hesitant to lose his tasty piece of ass, but Emily forces him to call his business manager to cancel the deal.

HMMM… SO MEATY

While he is on the phone, Emily takes his flash drive and inserts it into the computer. She sees Nolan and Jack in bed, and begins to feel all tingly and stuff.

Ashley is talking with Daniel and trying to needle him into meeting Victoria for lunch, when Emily walks in. Daniel asks her to join he and Vicki at lunch, pissing Ashley off. Daniel whines that Conrad would rather have Tyler for a son than him because Tyler landed the deal with Nolan. Emily tells him that Tyler is blackmailing Nolan.

Tyler shows up at Nolan’s plunking down a big old slab of e coli next to Nolan’s lunch.

MMMM. I’LL HAVE EXTRA MUSTARD WITH THAT, PLEASE

Actually, he is paying him back for the money he stole borrowed from Nolan’s credit card. With the commission from the deal. Which he will have to pay back now that the deal tanked. Hahahaha.

Tyler then tried to seduce Nolan by suggesting they go to South Beach for the weekend. Nolan says that Miami is for trolls.

I SUGGEST HE AVOID ALL CUBAN SAMMICHES IN THE NEAR FUTURE

Victoria is waiting for Daniel to join her at lunch when Ryan Huntley approaches and tells her that Conrad has asked to retain him as his divorce attorney but he turned him down and would like to represent her instead.

WHAT A FINE, UPSTANDING GENTLEMAN

Emily (the wardrobe person’s contempt for Ms. Van Camp is evident in the truly heinous dress she is forced to wear for multiple scenes) and Daniel show up and start talking about Tyler. Daniel is jealous suspicious that Tyler is still living in the pool house, but Victoria says that now that Daniel is gone she likes having him there and he is almost like family. This causes Daniel to hold his breath until he turns blue.

I WILL SNATCH UP MY NAPKIN TO SHOW MY DISPLEASURE, MOTHER

Emily shows up at The Stowaway and is greeted pleasantly by the oldest dog known to mankind. Jack says that Sam must be losing it because he hates Fauxmanda, who was his first owner. He tells Emily that Fauxmanda has “blocked out” most of her childhood. I can relate – I just blocked out the hunk of aged cheddar and 40 ounce I just consumed. That way my thighs will just forget it ever happened.

Emily asks Jack to tell her Fauxmanda’s story. Jack recounts the story of David Clarke. Jack says his childhood ended when he lost Amanda. Flashback to Amanda handing Sam to Jack and hugging them both, promising to come back. Emily gives Jack a note for Fauxmanda and hugs Sam goodbye, asking Sam to take care of Jack.

SWEET.  OR CREEPY.  TAKE YOUR PICK.

Daniel confronts Tyler at the pool house and tells him to get the freak out. Tyler is frantically looking for his Clozapine. Did not know what this was, so I looked it up. It is used to treat psychotic disorders, mainly schizophrenia. Ooooo – the plot gets thicker than my Aunt Joannie’s leg veins!

Fauxmanda shows up at Emily’s house. Emily gives her a diary that she kept while in foster care that will give her information in order to become more “Amanda Clarke.” Daniel interrupts them and Emily introduces them. After Fauxmanda leaves, Emily plays dumb as Daniel recounts the story of David Clarke.

Daniel tells her that he decided not to tell Conrad that Tyler was blackmailing Nolan, but to let Tyler dig his own grave. He then invites her to dinner with Mr. Takeda and himself so she can translate.

LET’S HOPE THE WARDROBE MATRON LETS HER CHANGE

Fauxmanda sees Nolan at The Stowaway. Faux tells Nolan that Emily is embracing having her around and is even letting her remain Amanda Clarke.

Jack walks in as Declan is trying to arrange a place for he and Charlotte to move into together. At night. While the bar is open and in full swing. As opposed to during the day when they are sitting around twiddling their thumbs and humping imposter girlfriends. Makes about as much sense as Dec’s accent (I know we have cleared this issue up in commentary, but it’s a good line, so we’ll just go with it, ‘k?).

Declan gets all cocky and tells Jack that he has money and to go stuff it. Jack tells him he is a horny idiot and storms out.

During dinner with Takeda, Emily translates all the boring stuff Daniel is saying into talking shit behind his back. Or, in this case, right in front of his face. Last time I did that someone went all Oklahoma on my ass then pretended I was the aggressor. Let’s hope it works out better for our Em.

Emily makes a proposal that she will give Takeda the funds to invest with Daniel. Takeda tells her that Daniel is weak. Emily tells Takeda that she is using Daniel’s success with the business to access Conrad’s files for proof of her father’s innocence, and Takeda warns her not to let her pretend feelings for Daniel become real ones. She tells him no prob. He’s not buying that.

REALLYNOMEJUSTSUCKYFUCKYTENDOLLAR

She tells Daniel Takeda agreed to invest $50 million dollars.

The next day, Nolan meets Emily on the beach. He tells her that “Single White Female” told him she was invited into the fold.

Okay, Gasmii. Let’s get in our time machine and travel back to the episode 108 recap. And I quote: “Now Fauxmanda is giving off a decidedly Single White Female vibe as she asks Emily why she is mad at her for killing Frank.”

GET YOUR OWN MATERIAL, ASSHAT. AND SOME NEW SHORTS.

Emily barks back that she has Faux under control. She also tells Nolan that, since he spends all of his time stalking television recappers for pithy phrasing, she has had to take control of the Tyler situation herself.

Daniel walks into a meeting with Conrad and Tyler and Tyler learns that Daniel made the Takeda deal. Tyler gets really pissed and nanabooboo’s that Daniel did not get a commission for it and storms out of the meeting. Daniel decides to blow Nolan himself the whistle on Tyler to Conrad.

Fauxmanda is using the information she got from Emily to further seduce Jack. I find this frustrating. As clever as Emily is, I think I should step in and help her get rid of Fauxmanda. It is very simple, really.

All you need is a pair of these:

Allow me to demonstrate:

REMEMBER THIS CHICK?

Now I wave my magic Edward Scissorhands and:

POOF – SHE’S GONE
(BIGGEST. FAIL. EVER.)

But, since no one except Nolan ever listens to me, I suppose we will have to slog forth.

Victoria is meeting with Ryan Huntley, who also represented Lydia’s husband against her in their divorce. I find it funny that Conrad wanted to retain the attorney who went against his mistress in court. Hahahaha!

Huntley tells Victoria that she is to have no contact with Conrad from now on. Also, that he needs to have complete access to all financial records. He also makes her promise that she will do anything necessary to win the case.

GUESSING THAT IS NOT A PROB

Declan tells Charlotte that he canceled the apartment go-sees because he realizes he needs to finish high school and go to college first. He gives Charlotte back the money and tells her he will find a way to pay for his education on his own.

Conrad confronts Tyler and fires him. He tells him that he knows about the sex tape and that there is no room for scandal at Grayson Global (yeah, Gasmii, that’s called irony).

JUST ASK THIS CHICK. SHE KNOWS.

Tyler counters that if he is fired, he will tell the world that Victoria and Conrad were behind the plane crash and that David was just a patsy.

BOO-YAH

Daniel finds Fauxmanda digging around the yard, and tells her to come back when Emily is here. Faux gets all salty with him but Emily shows up and gets rid of her. Daniel tells her he does not trust Fauxmanda.

Victoria confronts Charlotte when she finds apartment listings on her computer. Charlotte gives Victoria the check and tells her that Declan couldn’t be bribed because he really cares about her. Charlotte tells Victoria that she is choosing to move in with Conrad.

OUCH.

Tyler is at Nolan’s and boy, is he pissed. Nolan tells him that he is pulling his investment in Grayson Global. Tyler tells him that he knows about the videotape, which comes as a shock to Nolan.

OH. SHIT.

Nolan told him that he made the tape as insurance and asks how much it will cost to get it back. Tyler threatens Nolan and demands he show him the tape. Nolan tells him that he had nothing to do with giving it to Grayson. Tyler grabs the flash drive and throws the computer into the pool. Calling Nolan pathetic and lonely, he leaves.

Jack makes a romantic dinner for Fauxmanda and gives her a jar of sea glass they buried. At Emily’s house, Daniel tells her that he needs to go home because he is worried about how Tyler has been acting.

Takeda sees them kissing goodbye and confronts Emily about her feelings for Daniel. Takeda told her that he knew her emotions would destine her for failure, and that she is lying to herself. He tells her she is on her own, and leaves.

Tyler is studying the information on Nolan’s flash drive and finds Lydia telling Conrad what she would say on the witness stand about the set up of David Clarke. He gets a little woody.

Daniel walks in to Victoria getting shit-faced on Cabernet that looks suspiciously like iced tea. She tells him that Charlotte went to live with Conrad. Daniel tells her he is here for her. He is shocked that Tyler is still living in the pool house.

Daniel calls Conrad who is getting shit-faced on scotch (which looks suspiciously like Vicki’s Cabernet). Conrad tells him he “settled the matter.” He tells Daniel what he has done is none of his fucking business.

Now I don’t know all that much about Clozapine and all, but does one turn into the Incredible Hulk without it or something cause Tyler gets all twitchy as he waits for Ashley at dinner.

RROAR. ME WANT CLOZAPINE

Daniel tells Victoria that he will use his position in the company to access any records she needs for the divorce.

Nolan confronts Emily about leaking the sex tape. Emily tells Nolan that he has been trying to derail her from day one, and that he sabotaged their alliance because he fell for a hooker.

HAPPENS ALL THE TIME

Nolan tells her that he had the opportunity to expose her but he did not, and Emily reminds him that she can take him down if he tries it. Nolan tells Emily that he is done playing her evil games. Emily chases Nolan out of the house and reminds him that she never asked him to get involved. He tells her that her father did ask him because he did not want Emily to become what she has, and that it is a good thing her dad is dead so he can’t see her now.

DOUBLE OUCH.

Daniel calls Emily and tells her he is staying at his mother’s house. Victoria overhears him saying that Amanda Clarke has been digging around at Emily’s house, and shits a brick.

Emily pulls a letter out of the revenge box.  It was written by Huntley and is telling her father that Huntley will not be moving forward with the appeal of David’s conviction.

Next week (? Hard to tell because it is really stylized) TYLER GOT A GUN!

Speaking of next week, the recap’s gonna be a little late, y’all. I am going to New York City (New York City??) to a conference during which I will be refining and pitching my novel to several publishing house editors. I am going to try really hard to write my recap at night since the days at the conference are 9 – 5. It may be a day or two late, though. A thousand apologies in advance.

PLEASE FORGIIIIVE ME!

‘Til, then – XXOO