Welcome, Gasmii! Here we are with our first regular recap of Revenge. Tonight’s episode? Treachery! Last week I caught you up on everything that has happened in the previous episodes. If you missed it or just want to review, look here: http://www.tvgasm.com/featured/revenge-recap-lets-catch-up-with-this-sh/
Otherwise, let’s just dive into a big ol’ bowlful of Reveeeennge!
We begin with the REAL Emily (who switched identities with Amanda so from now on I will call her Fauxmanda for clarity’s sake) and our Emily (from now on just Emily) in Emily’s car, discussing the fate of Frank. Frank had figured out that the two women had switched identities and had confronted Fauxmanda at a stripper bar, where she killed him with a crowbar. Now Fauxmanda is giving off a decidedly Single White Female vibe as she asks Emily why she is mad at her for killing Frank.
Flashback to Emily and Fauxmanda beating the crap out of each other in juvie. Emily apologizes for being anxious about Frank and (insincerely?) thanks Fauxmanda.
METHINKS FAUXMANDA MIGHT BE IN TROUBLE
Emily takes Fauxmanda to Nolan’s house and asks him to keep an eye on her. Emily won’t tell Nolan anything except not to let Fauxmanda out of his sight. Fauxmanda is digging this rich lifestyle.
Lydia, looking freaking amazing after having survived a five-story fall onto the hood of a taxi cab, is being visited by Victoria and Conrad. Lydia can’t remember her accident. The doctor tells Victoria that Lydia sustained a serious brain injury after her “suicide attempt” and may never recover her memory.
THIS NEWS MAKE VICTORIA ALL TINGLY INSIDE
The doc then says Lydia could have partial or full memory recovery as well, but that she needs a supportive environment in which to recover. Of course, Vicki and Conny jump on that faster than yours truly on a pile of warm chocolate chip cookies. Victoria and Conrad realize that they need to get their story straight on why Frank attacked Lydia if her memory does return.
AM I ALONE IN THINKING THAT IS NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN?
Slutty Charlotte is making the walk of shame, concerned that she had not made up a story to her parents about being gone all night. Don’t worry, kid, no one cares about your ass. Remember what Mommy wore all throughout her pregnancy with you?
Jack catches Declan coming down the stairs and claims they only “slept” together. Riddle me this, Batman – why does Declan talk with a slight Irish accent? Aren’t they from the Hamptons?
AH, CHARLOOT. SHE’S A WEE BONNY LASS, SHE IS.
Tyler emerges from his bedroom and accuses Daniel of cheating on him staying out all night. Daniel says he was at Emily’s and Tyler tells him that Victoria kicked Conrad out and that he, Tyler, is helping him set up his home office. Emily arrives with breakfast, and Tyler is thrilled.
Daniel tells Emily that he is quitting The Stowaway since he only took the job because working in a bar is the natural choice for any recovering alcoholic. Suddenly, Ashley emerges from Tyler’s bedroom and Daniel and Emily razz her for her own walk of shame.
WE CAN FEEL SUPERIOR BECAUSE WE HAD A CHANGE OF CLOTHES. SLUT!
Ashley tries to escape before Victoria comes home, but she arrives with none other than the hapless Lydia.
LYDIA’S INTERNAL MONOLOGUE (I know because I am a little psychic)
Charlotte runs by (don’t you think she could have waited until Victoria went into another room, the freaking house is about 3 miles wide), and Victoria calls both she and Ashley disgusting dirty whores.
Victoria tells Ashley to box up Lydia’s clothes, books, photographs, and “anything else that may trigger her memory.” Oh, how sweet! Looks like Victoria is planning a bonfire to celebrate Lydia’s return from the dead!
Lydia does not recognize Emily, and she is thrilled.
Conrad and Tyler arrive at the house to clear out his office. Victoria greets him with about as much warmth as I usually muster up for a trip to the gym, and asks him what part of “get out” does he not understand. Conrad asks her why she has moved Lydia in, and Victoria tells him it is so he can’t f**k her so she can do damage control when Lydia regains her memory.
Conrad tells Victoria he cannot allow her to hurt Lydia anymore and reminds her that it was Victoria who sent Frank to Lydia’s house. I am certainly glad that Conrad is getting on his high horse about hurting people now that he not only slept with his wife’s best friend, but he gave her $10 million and put her up in a new home as well.
CERTAINLY IS MY IDEA OF A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR
Nolan is trying to get Fauxmanda to fess up about how he knows Emily, but she won’t tell. Fauxmanda wants to go for a swim and Nolan tells her to try one of the “house bikinis.”
SORRY, NOLAN. DON’T THINK THIS IS WHAT SHE HAD IN MIND
Nolan calls Emily and asks her how long he has to babysit Fauxmanda. Emily tells him she is sending the picture of Lydia with herself (when she was still Amanda) in the background and wants him to Photoshop it. Nolan notices blood on Fauxmanda’s leather jacket.
Tyler rams his nose up Conrad’s ass tells Conrad his objective is to become indispensable to him when Daniel walks in and asks to speak with his dad alone. Naturally, Tyler is listening by the door when Daniel tell Conrad he wants to work in the family business after all.
Jack arrives at Nolan’s and sees Fauxmanda who does what strippers do and comes on to him.
Conrad tells Victoria that the cops called and told him Frank was dead and he has to go identify the body. Conrad tells her that this is not all bad news because a lot of secrets died with Frank.
Emily arrives at Nolan’s just as Fauxmanda is making him a delicious drink (hmmm – my psychic abilities say that there may be a new bartender at The Stowaway soon). Fauxmanda recalls that Emily had talked about Jack a lot in juvie, so she feels she already knows him.
Emily tells Fauxmanda that she is getting her a place, some money, and a new identity so she never has to be Amanda Clarke again. Fauxmanda goes all SWF again and says she likes being Amanda Clarke because it is their “connection”.
WE CAN ALL GUESS WHERE FAUXMANDA WOULD LIKE TO BE CONNECTED (and y’all aren’t even a little psychic!)
Emily tells Fauxmanda that she is not safe in the Hamptons and that she is putting her up in her apartment in Paris. Fauxmanda tells Emily that she would do anything for her even without the money because she is the closest thing to a lover sister she has ever had.
Flashback to the juvie ward where Warden Stiles is telling Emily that violence is not the best way to deal with her enemies (in this case, Fauxmanda) and that she should use her brains to get what she wants. Stiles goes on to say that all Fauxmanda really wants is a lover friend and that if Emily gets her trust, she can get Fauxmanda to work for her and not against her.
Victoria is unpacking Lydia’s things. Lydia tells her that she can remember things from long ago, but not from the past few weeks. Victoria hands her the typed up speech Lydia was going to give at the mental health event. The speech planted by Emily that vilified Victoria and made it look like Lydia was behind everything that had been happening. Lydia doesn’t remember it, so she does not deny it.
Emily helps Ashley bring in some boxes from Lydia’s house and plants the doctored pictures. Lydia stares at Emily as if she is remembering something. Lydia remembers that Emily is in the New Year’s photo and tells Victoria to find it.
Ashley and Tyler are bitching about Daniel and Emily. They decide that they are both being too nice, and implied shenanigans are afoot.
Nolan finds out that Frank is dead, and Conrad says that the police think he was carjacked and robbed. Victoria is determined to call the police and tell them that Emily may be behind Frank’s murder because he had called Victoria and told her that Emily was not who she appeared to be.
Meanwhile, Nolan confronts Fauxmanda and asks her if she knows Frank. He shows her the bloodstained jacket and Frank’s wallet, and demands to know who she is.
Nolan and Fauxmanda arrive at Emily’s house. Emily gives Fauxmanda a ticket to Paris and Nolan Frank’s phone to destroy. Emily gives Fauxmanda a passport with Emily’s mother’s name on it, and tells her to get the hell out of Dodge.
Conrad tells Charlotte that he is moving out, so she arrives at Declan’s a hot mess.
Emily arrives home to find Daniel and two police detectives, along with Frank’s cell phone behind a planter on her front porch. I call this the “Oh, Shit” Trifecta.
The detectives, who apparently did not take the “First 48 School of Detective-ry” online course, spill all of the details about Frank, including that Victoria had told him to investigate Emily and that he had told her that Emily was not who she appeared to be. Daniel is pissed.
Emily confessed that she had been in Allenwood Detention Center because her foster father abused her and she “put a stop to it.” She said Frank found that out and had told her that he was going to tell the Graysons.
As for Emily’s alibi, Daniel says she was in bed with him, and Emily adds that she had gone to the fish market around dawn, and she has the Nova Scotia salmon to prove it. Satisfied, the detectives leave.
Daniel storms in and confronts Victoria. Victoria says that she had Emily investigated because she “came out of nowhere” and set her sites on Daniel. Victoria said Emily was hiding a criminal record and that Daniel should be grateful that Victoria found it out. Uh, kind of like Daniel’s criminal record? Oh, wait, he doesn’t have one because you covered it up. Hello, Pot. Meet Kettle.
Daniel tells Victoria that he was her last defender and now he hates her, and storms out.
Nolan gives Jack the pink slip to his boat, “Amanda,” and tells him he can have the boat and that he no longer needs to pretend to be Nolan’s friend. They make up, and Jack makes him the drink Fauxmanda made. He says it is too bad she is gone. Show of hands, Gasmii – who believes she is gone?
Daniel asks Emily if he can stay with her because his house is toxic. Could be all the silicone and Botox. Just sayin’
DUN, DUN, DUN!! Who is on the porch watching Daniel and Emily??
I TOLD YOU SO!
Put away your puppies, Gasmii. It’s going to be a bumpy night!!
Victoria confronts Conrad and accuses him of murder. Lydia overhears the argument, but pretends to be asleep when Victoria walks in and takes the telephone from her room.
Flashback to juvie when Emily paid Fauxmanda a half million dollars for her identity.
Tyler sees Victoria shredding Lydia’s mental health speech, recovers the pieces and puts them back together. Emily plants Frank’s phone on Victoria’s porch, and Fauxmanda shows up at The Stowaway and flirts with Jack.
Salut, y’all! What did you think of this week’s episode? I love hearing your theories and opinions, so let’s have at it!