RHOA: Desert Guy-Land

Recaps

By Leia LaBiblia | Thursday, October 21, 2010 | 10:00 am | 166 Comments
Tagged: , , , , ,
Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

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Hola Gasmii–
What’s cookin’? Can you believe those ex-child-star sisters, Paris Hilton‘s aunts, in the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills? Can you believe that RHODC‘s wacky, warm-hearted Lynda admitted she’s a Republican on the Reunion show (making her the only semi-Jewish brutha-bangin’ fag-hag GOP member I know)? Can you believe how addictive Dexter and Boardwalk Empire are getting? It’s all almost enough to put your Recap Artist off Reality and back on Scripted, especially considering the uber-annoying-ness of those shrill QVC bitches on Amazing Race.
Speaking of annoying, it’s time to stop by Atlanta and see why the South won’t be rising again anytime soon!
Kim‘s townhouse. Kim and future-ex-personal assistant Sweetie pack for her upcoming Hag Icon guest-spot at Palm Springs‘ infamous White Party, where 10,000 of the shallowest gay men on the planet gather to celebrate Jesus Christ rising from His tomb with a weekend of drug-fueled penis-worship. “I wear a lot of black,” Kim thinks aloud. “Am I depressed?” No, just chunky. When Kim questions one of the clothing choices Sweetie’s made, S explains that she set the see-thru garment in question aside because Kim “might get lucky” in it. “At a gay party?!” Kim scoffs. Yes, the one where your ex-lezzie love-doll Tracy Young regularly DJ’s, so don’t be too hasty, Kimbo.
Kim is bringing about 90 shoes (that’s 45 pair) and almost as many wigs, each with their own name: “Debbie, Jane, Jodie, Sierra– pack’em all!” Kim tells Sweetie she’ll be singing “‘Tard’ the Remix” [LOL] and says she’s “sick to my stomach”"nervous” but “super-excited” about her first real “concert”, and tells Sweetie don’t bother to bring along the lyrics– Kim the Tard knows “Tard” the Song by heart! Kim’s daughters, chubby tween Ariana and whiskey-voiced 7th grade sexpot Brielle wander in so Kim can lay down the law for the weekend. Kim says no one’s sleeping over, then caves in approximately three seconds, but does put her fuck-me pump down about Brielle entertaining her “little boyfriend” the French exchange student under Big Poppa’s Kim’s roof. Now the get hell out of there so Kim can decide what thongs to bring.

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Jesus, could this BE any creepier?

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…And the answer is “yes”.

As Sweetie shoves Kim’s boots into a suitcase and slams down the lid, Kim yells to be careful of Kim’s fingers– yeah, she might need them if she runs into Tracy again. Kim tells us she’s meeting Kandi in Palm Springs, so it’s extra-urgent she not miss this flight. If Sweetie wasn’t “wearing hooker shoes”, her assistant would be able to scurry into the Range Rover faster, Kim points out. S: I can’t breathe… my feet hurt. K: Shut up! After they check in and Sweetie sprinkles a few pre-boarding Xanax down Kim’s gullet, S can start preparing her notes for the lawsuit she’ll be filing after Kim fires her. I bet Phaedra will be happy to take it on contingency.

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“I don’t know what happened to her neck…

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“I just smacked the top of her head and it collapsed like a fuckin accordion!”

Park. NeNe and younger, brighter son Brentt, 11, take new dog Playa (I shit you not) out for some exercise. Brentt tells NeNe that some kid in his class was blabbing about big brother/waste of space Brice “getting arrested” on CNN “for gang interrogation or something like that.” Brentt said he told his pal this was a big lie “because I’m with my brother 24/7″. Considering Brice’s penchant for staying out all night boozin ‘n’ blazin’ it with hoochie club trash, we can only hope the tot is exaggerating about the amount of time he spends with the big dummy. NeNe clarifies via interview that the reason for the arrest was “outstanding tickets and less than an ounce of marijuana.” She tells Brentt that Brice did “get into a little bit of trouble” but it had nothing to do with gangs or violence– in fact, according to NeNe, Bricen is such a pussy, Playa the Yorkie could kick his ass.
NeNe tells us she didn’t want to give Brentt “information that was just not necessary” about Brice’s delinquency, then sugar-coats the incident to the tyke with the vague confession that Brice “made mistakes” and broke the law and she doesn’t want Brentt to do the same. Brentt sounds confused and a little annoyed that she can’t tell him exactly what he’s promising not to do, which does seem a little ridiculous to me, especially when Brentt or his friends are going to be watching these episodes and it’s going to end up splatted all over the TiVo anyway. NeNe goes on to inform the Polo-clad tot that his parents are his “best friends” and he better not let any of his mouthy school-chums tell him any differently– or try to peer-pressure him into doing… certain things that she won’t specify. NeNe interviews that things are “intense” between her and Gregg (Mr NeNe) and she doesn’t want to repeat her Brice mistakes with her baby. It’s all kind of sad and makes me want to scoop Brentt up and take him away to my imaginary Bravo orphanage where he can frolic in the sun with Christine and Jillian Staub.

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“Can we still call him Playa after he gets his testicles removed?”

 

Sheree‘s tract mansion. A Hummer pulls up in the driveway, depositing Dwight and his “Publicist Glen Beam“. Sheree welcomes them with a phony smile (like there’s any other kind with her) as she reminds us yet again how Dwight’s been prancing around town claiming to have spent $30K of his own money on the She by Sheree fashion show last season “and I intend to confront him”… no matter what gift-wrapped bottle of booze he’s toting or how flaming his publicist is. Sheree interviews that Dwight only came to the She show during “the last five days” and “As far as I know, Dwight did not put one dollar” into it. “As far as I know”?!? Sounds like someone’s already back-pedaling, Gasmii. Let’s hear how Dwight responds to the charges.
Well, he says he paid “the seamstress… $1200.” “For that mess that she made?!” Sheree squawks. “It was NOT up to par!” Sounding a tad flustered, Dwight says Glen made “thangs” at Kinkos, including “sign-in lists” and “alphabets”. LOL. So far we’re up to around $1209.99. Although, to be fair, maybe alphabets have gone way, way up since I watched Sesame Street. Sheree snips via interview that if Dwight HAD $30K, wouldn’t he get his “nose fixed”, so he could breathe? It looks like Sheree also owes NeNe money for writing her material. Dwight tells Sheree that since “my name was on the project”, he had to spend what was necessary in order for the show to succeed. Sheree then brings up Dwight’s third-party accusations that she never “said thank you” for all his hard work. Sheree tells him she DID thank him, in English, the only language she knows. (And that one’s even debatable.) “Gracias… merci beaucoup!” Sheree snips, trying to be all witty’n’ shit.

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“Ironically, $30,000 is what one of my dates has to spend before he can see my titties, so get ready to get repaid, Dwight!”

“When you volunteer to do something, and you say you’re gonna do it gratis [oooh, Latin!], a year later you can’t say ‘I did this and you owe me that!’” Glen prissily pronounces this “a pretty myopic and selfish point of view”, but is immediately cut off by an increasingly incensed Sheree, who screams that this fashion-show contribution was supposed to be “from [Dwight's] heart”, then interviews that she doesn’t have time to scream and shout at people, and “I have too much class for that. [HA!] I can go there, but I’m trying not to go there. I don’t want to go there.” If by “there”, she means calling them a coupla uppity cocksuckas, please PLEASE go there!

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So Mrs Potato Head was just a beard?

“Let’s just drop this,” Sheree suggests. Dwight drawls that he hopes she’s learned something from all this, because he “certainly” has. “Next!” Sheree snaps. She interviews that “after this meeting”, she fully expects Dwight to shut all those nasty rumors right down. As she kicks them out of her tract mansion, Dwight tells her to “have a good evening”. Go fuck ya ovuhdressed self, thought-bubbles Sheree.
Palm Springs. This desert oasis 90m from L.A. has been a gay mecca for decades and was immortalized in the smash hit all-male porn epic Big Guns in 1987. Several straight girls I know have this excellent dick pic hidden deep beneath their vibrators and lady-porn because it’s so damn hot. I even wrote an essay for a major magazine about its brilliant director William Higgins, who injected style, sexual tension and a quirky sense of humor into a series of XXX classics starring the then-hottest boys in the business. If you’re a Curious Georgina like myself, also check out The Young & The Hung, Cousins (starring a very young, 98% straight Peter North doing stuff that will shock his hetero male fans) and the spicy, cheesy, sausage-fest The Pizza Boy– He Delivers, all now available on DVD from Catalina Video. Preferably while “Boy” by Book of Love wafts from your iTunes.
Granddaddy of the “Circuit” gay social scene, The White Party has been home to a lot of ass-pain, but I’m still not sure they’re ready for Hurricane Wiggy and her reluctant Colonel Tom Parker, Kandi! Kandi misses Kim and Sweetie’s ride into town in a rented convertible yellow Lamborghini and the inevitable stoopid conversation about the flock of generator windmills outside P.S., which Sweetie deduces must be used to produce the snow she sees capping the surrounding mountain range. To Kim’s credit, she finds this theory meteorologically impossible. Kim has to “tee-tee”, so they pull over at a ramshackle off-road rental trailer and are promptly pointed to an outhouse.

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“Hey, Sweetie– you got a Sharpie? And my room number at the hotel?”

 

“OMG, that’s impossible! Do I have to go in there with you?!” Sweetie demands. “ME?! Is this a job requirement?” she pleads, tottering over the dirt to the detached crapper. Sweetie takes a peek, and announces that “it smells like a f*ckin donkey’s ass” inside. It’s actually way nicer than some of the rural fairground facilities that forced me to grow up fast in Puerto Rico– there’s a real flush toilet in a spacious hut equipped with rolls of paper towels to wipe oneself and signs helpfully instructing one to hold down the flush to maximize one’s evacuation experience. “I can’t even stand up in here! I’m claustrophobic!” Kim screams. Ya shouldn’t have had that Chardonnay Big Gulp while zooming down the desert roads in your Euro-trash pimp-mobile then.
Sweetie guards the door while Kim squats down as far as she can manage: “I’m probably peein on the floor. This is when I wish I had a wiener!” Kim pouts. Considering whom you’re about to spend the weekend partying with, I’m sure that could be arranged. Kim declares the pee-break “the most stressful thing I have done to date”, and Kandi hasn’t even asked to be paid yet!
And there’s Kandi, waiting outside the hotel lobby. “Kim will be performing in front of thousands of people,” Kandi tells us. “And she has no clue to the whole technical side of things, so I agreed to help her out. And you know I’m gonna be there to show support. But as always, she’s late.” Minutes or hours later, the banana-bomb pulls up with an accompanying limo. “You had to bring a whole limo for your luggage!?” Kandi marvels/recoils. Yes. “Most first-time artists are not riding around in Lamborghinis and having a limo full of luggage. Kim has one single and she’s acting like she’s Lady Gaga.” Since she’s also a raving C-word, let’s lose the G’s, and just call her Lady Caca, a much better fit personally and artistically, if you ask me. And you’re reading this, so you are. “This is gonna be a long weekend, ” Kandi adorably sighs to us, and I for one wish like hell I could have offered Kandi my interning and stage managing services… gratis, of coursel Kim’s immediately impressed by the big bouquet of white flowers and the “white chocolate swan”, which, along with evoking the theme of the party, is the traditional color for welcoming hags to a formal gay event.

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“Let me get this straight– you wanna dress up as bellboys, sneak into Andy Cohen’s hotel suite and pitch him your own spin-off?”

 

Gobbling white-chocolate-dipped strawberries, Husse Fosse announces her big idea to Kandi– Kim wants her to come out in the middle of the song and sing it with her. Like a duet, as long as Kandi knows her place is behind the scenes except when required to perform back-up dancing and possibly semi-lead vocals. “No way!” Kandi cheerily scoffs, having zero desire to shimmy around moaning “Oh-oooohhh-oooo—OHHHH!” Kandi tells us “Kim is really letting this whole diva behavior get to her head. What’s next, I’m supposed to be her roadie?” Well, if Kim knew what that was… yes. “It’d really mean a lot to her,” Sweetie dutifully proclaims. “Are you her manager now?” Kandi mockingly replies. Kandi doesn’t want to do it, and didn’t even bring any outfits. “We’ll hook you up,” Kim confidently assures her. “OK, fine,” Kandi shrugs, sealing her fate. “We’re gonna have the best weekend of our whole lives!” Kim says, having apparently switched to the Royal-We pronoun for the duration of the trip. Fill up on strawberries, Kandi, cuz no way is this bitch buying you lunch OR dinner.
Cynthia‘s swanky house. New Housewife Cynthia reviews her schedule with assistant/sister Malorie, who appears to be in charge of the nupto-phobic supermodel. This is exhausting, so the gals retire to the verandah to kill a bottle of champagne. My kinda of gals. Cynthia reveals BF Peter‘s ultimatum– marry him before his upcoming 50th birthday “or we just don’t do it.” Malorie bluntly asks Cyndi how long Peter is expected to wait to walk her bony ass down the aisle. “As long as it takes,” Cyndi replies, sipping Moet. Does Malorie think her big sis (not by much, so mind your mouth– models carry pepper spray) is acting selfish? “Yeah, it’s not fair to him, ” Mal opines, eliciting an “Oh my God” shriek from Cyn. Malorie has it figured out– Cyndi loves the being-engaged part, but as soon as one of her multiple fiances tries to actually put on a ring on it, Sistah is out the door. Malorie thinks they should head Peter off at the pass and forestall the ring-giving… except Pete’s already getting one custom-made and Cyndi knows all about it.

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“Would you care any more about my storyline if I told you I was born a man? Didn’t think so…”

What’s wrong with Cynthia? “Why has it taken me so long to actually get married?” Malorie says it’s because Cyn is so “independent and successful”, but Cyndi points back to their childhood, which offered no examples of healthy matrimonial unions, thereby creating a deep-seated fear of being stuck in a bad one. Malorie also has a fear– that her glamorous, gorgeous sister is going to end up a glamorous gorgeous old maid. “We’re from Alabama, it’s Southern,” Malorie explains, having obviously completed Phaedra’s seminar on wedded bliss and how to snag it: “Good or bad… You stick in it… for the long run.” Peter would make a great husband and provider and Cyndi needs to jump on this opportunity right effing now, so “get the f*ck over it,” Cynthia concludes. They’ve been together “almost three years” and Malorie says that since Cyn knows Peter is “a good father and a good provider… you just do it.” Who cares if she’s in love? We’re talkin’ the co-owner of the Uptown Supper Club here.
Phaedra’s house. Pregnant Lawyer-to-Da-Thugz Phaedra, who would certainly classify herself as “Movin’ On Up” Atlanta’s social register (she’s a proper Southern belle, in case you’ve been in a medically induced coma), disproves the Jeffersons theme song by frying fish in her kitchen, and in a negligee no less. New husband Apollo, who puts the “rim” in criminal with that tight little caboose of his, enters, wishing her a polite good morning despite the fact that he apparently just woke up to the smell of frying fish. Phaedra tells us she’s a career gal, not a homemaker, but impending motherhood is forcing her to “do what every proper Southern woman does.” Which, clearly, involves serving both bacon AND fried fish to one’s trophy husband for breakfast. With meals like that, Apollo better make sure he actually puts some time in at the weight room and not head straight to the gym showers for a little DL relief, no matter how much Phaedra’s starting to resemble an undersea ballroom denizen from Bedknobs ‘n’ Broomsticks.

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I don’t care if he murdered 17 women then wore their skins. He can do better.

 

As we gaze hungrily at Apollo’s tatted biceps flexing with every proper greasy Southern bite he lifts to his cock-smooching lips, NeNe pops up to helpfully announce via interview that word on the street is Apollo “stole cars, went to prison for like six years, and now he’s back and he is the husband of Phaedra High-Class Parks.” In an amazing coincidence, Phaedra happens to be indignantly telling her man how “it amazes me that people can be so shallow” and “point their fingers” in judgement of him. Just to be sure, that’s a different kind of shallow than finding the hottest desperate guy in the ATL and making him your lawful wedded eye-candy, right? Phaedra interviews that “Apollo was in prison for racketeering, which is really a white-collar crime. He’s no different than Martha Stewart” (except his dick is slightly smaller), “he served his time and people need to JUST get over it.”
Um, isn’t racketeering what they convict mob bosses of? And Bernie Madoff was a “white-collar” criminal and he deserved to get the chair. Not to burst your bubble, Phae, which you don’t really need on account of your gills, but proper Southern belles DON’T marry ex-cons, not matter how snowy their collars are. So you need to get over your own self, Counselor. Her life really would make a great sitcom, and it’s too bad NeNe never went to law school, because she’d be perfect as Phaedra’s nemesis, the sassy, snark-tastic trial judge. “Every saint’s got a past, every sinner’s got a future,” Phaedra sagely intones as she butters her fish. That’s a great slogan for the bus shelter advertisement for your sitcom. Any title suggestions, Gasmii?
Apollo isn’t just a tawny fuck-toy– he says he’s been working trying to fix up the meal-ticket baby’s room. “I noticed,” Phae peevishly replies. “If you would have looked at my registry, you would have saw [WHAT law school did you attend?] that I had the cute jungle animals and the cute little giraffes.” Apollo says he “wasn’t goin off no registry that day.” That would explain the prison-yard mural he painted on the wall. Phaedra interviews that she and Apollo “definitely have some differences on how we approach things, including parenting, and it’s probably because he is bi-racial and he was raised in a white household.” whatWhatWHAT?!? “Culturally there is a difference,” she lectures him. “In black households, there will be no back-talkin, and if it is, there will be no teef in yo’mouf. This chile WILL be gettin a whuppin. If he looks at me sideways, I’m gonna beat the hell outta him.” No, Apollo says, through a clenched-teef smile. Yes, Phaedra counters.

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“I’m a proper Southern lady, so I’ll only be beating our children with 100% genuine hand-cut hickory switches.”

 

Apollo says he “definitely believes in instilling discipline… but you don’t always have to resort to violence.” Phaedra doesn’t consider slapping the face off children “violence: when I was growin up, when adults was in the room, we were not to be seen or heard.” In your case, you should have been in your room with some English textbooks. “And I want my children to be raised like that.” Apollo shocks everyone by thoughtfully remarking that “when you entwine the child in an adult setting, it allows them to expand a lot faster, because of the conversation.” I’m sure he means mentally, although if this meal is any indication as to Phaedra’s nutritional sense, that kid’s gonna be expanding like one of those 200-pound babies you see on Maury Povich. Phae isn’t buying it, then reminds him “that this baby was your idea.” So what, you get to ignore it and smack it around? I so hope Apollo soaks her for a fortune in child-support.

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“HOW much life insurance you got?”

Hotel K-Hole. Sweetie and Kim greet “Celebrity Stylist Charlie Altuna“, who rolls in a giant wardrobe rack of premium tart-wear for Lady Caca. “Wow, that’s SO CUTE!” Kim bellows, tearing into the porn costumes. Circuit Queen party promoter Jeffrey Sanker brought Charlie in to do the sartorial magic he’s previously performed on “Cameron Diaz, Christina Aguilera [and] Kylie Minogue“. “Will my titties fit in there? I have huge knockers,” Kim says, salivating over a pink leather corset and matching whore-heels. She tries it on, complete with a skirt that, appropriately, looks like it’s made from shredded garbage bags, and it has the desired effect of making her tan-lined tits look like twin Xmas hams in bondage. “I need to feel sexy, I need to feel confident in what I’m wearing.” If not, “I’m certainly not going to be confident in my performance,” Kim explains. She calls Kandi in to consult. “That one’s too much like a stripper, but the pink makes it a little bit more Barbie-ish,” Kandi diplomatically opines, as Kim’s nipple slips out to say hello.
Jeffrey Chancre arrives in all his Botoxed glory, accompanied by a twink named Jose bearing gift-bags. “Jeffrey’s assistant was hot! I think there was definitely a mutual attraction,” Kim tells us. Yeah. He’s also way-boned-up for Liza Minnelli and Kathy Griffin. Jeffy’s just giddy over the “prop” he has ready for Kim, “a six-foot-tall martini pedestal”, which “12 boys are going to wheel you” onstage in. “Hell, yes, 12 boys!” Kim pants, still not getting it. What part of “gayest party on Earth” does she not understand?!? Jeffrey’s got to run and meet his dealer DJ’s, but Kim wants Jose to stay. Kandi sardonically interviews that Kim’s “not Jose’s type”. Sadly, Jose has to leave and give himself an enema return some phone calls for Jeffrey, but Charlie stays and helps Kim decide on a black tutu-like creation. “I see Kim in a lot of tiny things,” Kandi interviews, “so I thought that her outfit really fit her. The nipples were gonna pop out at any second and that’s right up her alley.” That’s also where the entire mosh-pit’s eyeballs will be, since the skirt is so short it barely clears Kim’s taint. Kandi tells us she’s “not really fussy like Kim”, or massively trashy, hence her quick pick of a relatively modest pink dress for herself.

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Ladies and gentlemen… Slut-N-Pepa

Tierra‘s apartment. Holy fucking shit, Gasmii, we’re actually going to spend some time with Sheree’s Mystery Daughter! Tierra, who, to Sheree’s certain eternal chagrin, is identified as 24 years old, is a beautiful, warm young lady, so it’s no wonder she’s stayed well out of this mess of a show until now. Sheree tells us her daughter was “away at Tennessee State University“, that’s why we haven’t seen her until now. OK, sure, whatever. Tierra just graduated and took a job in Atlanta, so here she is. “Tierra’s dad was a teenage boyfriend of mine,” Sheree explains, implying that this was way before Her Ladyship knew anything about having non-NFL sex without birth control.
The apartment is bright and shiny and modest and new, and Tierra will be shacking up there with boyfriend Damon, who’s nowhere near as attractive as she is but seems nice, and that’s what counts. Sheree warns him to treat her daughter right, and he says he’s been doing that for the last five years. Yeah, Ree-Ree– go back to the hood and dance the night away with another pathological liar. Sheree prissily interviews that she likes Damon, so is “okay” with them living together, although she’d “prefer for them to be married– absolutely.” Oh, well, I’m sure Tierra would prefer you weren’t a self-absorbed twat, so what can ya do? “Nowadays, people are doing things backwards,” Sheree snips, as if she didn’t just admit to a teen pregnancy. Piece. Of. Work!
Sheree has plenty more to say on the subject, so after a blush-champagne toast, she pulls Tierra aside for “girl talk”. Sheree lectures the lass about what “a big change” this is– co-habitation is very different from simple dating and is Tierra sure she’s ready for that? Let’s see– she graduated from college, found a job in this wretched economy and survived having your delusional ass for a mother, so how ’bout you give the girl some credit?! Tierra says she’s ready to “play wifey” (Sheree’s words) but assures her mom she’s not planning on babies anytime soon. Good, because Sheree is “too young and fabulous to be a grandma.” Along with lacking a fraction of the warmth and compassion one normally associates with the role.

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“Don’t worry, Mom. I’m sticking to the story you came up with: that you were a 9-year-old incest victim.”

White Party. Kim informs us that it’s actually several parties over one weekend. Thank God, because there’s way too much fellatio, coke, herpes, GHB, analingus and Xtasy here for a single fiesta. Since Kim will be performing at the afternoon “T- Dance” (as in Tea, not Tina aka crystal meth, although if I remember the 1998 and 2001 editions correctly, there’s plenty of that on hand, too!), tonight is her chance to cut loose and enjoy herself, which I’m sure you’re very grateful about, Gasmii, since Kim leads such an ascetic Amish existence back home. Kim & Kandi walk the red carpet and are interviewed by “Writer Billy Masters” (or as my Gay watching this with me said– “Who?!?”) and tranny actress Candis Cayne, who played Billy Baldwin‘s she-male mistress on the yawningly clean and unsexy canceled nighttime soap Dirty Sexy Money. Kim gets huffy when they ask about her sapphic fling with Tracy Young, which is especially annoying since A) Kim’s a reality TV star and B) couldn’t wait to dish the dykey dirt herself in a Life & Style article about it.
Inside, Kim gawps at the spectacle of topless beefcake as far as the eye can see. Everyone’s buff, inked and partying their shaved asses off! Kandi remarks that lots of guys wanted to dance with them, but refreshingly, had no interest in taking anything with a vagina back home with them. “Oh, I’m in heaven!” Kim squeals, sandwiched between two gyrating homo hunks like she’s a secretary celebrating her birthday at Chippendale’s. Sadly, the fun is cut short because Kim has to get up early “for rehearsal” the next day. As they leave, someone screams “Is Kandi your girlfriend now?!” “Uh, no, ma’am,” Kandi bluntly replies, suppressing the urge to add “I eat with these hands.” As designated driver Kandi chauffeurs Kim and Sweetie off in the Lamborghini, Kim announces that “in my next life”, she’s “coming back as a gay man.” I’m not sure what the difference is going to be.

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“No, seriously. I’m a drag queen. Can I blow you?”

NeNe’s tract mansion. NeNe calls Brice into service when Playa poops his puppy Pampers. They hose the pooch’s privates off then re-diaper him. Reminds me of my short-lived, pre-teen-model babysitting career. What?! It was San Juan and the hose water’s really warm there.
White Party stage. Kim & Kandi arrive for rehearsal to find choreographer Mark Martinez putting a stable of sizzling muscle-boy back-up dancers through their paces. Ever the professional, Kim gets out of the car with a plastic cup of wine. This isn’t the South, honey. In California, we have this thing called an Open Container Law and I don’t appreciate you risking Kandi’s safety because you can’t lay off the hooch for 10 straight waking minutes. Kim’s delighted to see so many hot dudes gathered together in service of her and immediately asks the abdominally gifted Ryan to model his stomach for her. The stud obligingly doffs his tank-top and flexes the merchandise, giving us some nice insight into his fastidious pubic grooming habits. Personally, I like a treasure-trail on a guy, partly because I hate stubble rubbing against my forehead.
Kim pulls her tongue in her mouth so she doesn’t trip on it climbing up to the stage, then tries to be funny by mumbling a prayer about dying happy, but since the only churches she’s been inside sell chicken, the bit falls as flat as these guys’ tummies. Mark points out the big silver martini glass “prop”, which is lined with red fabric to cushion Kim’s bohunkus as she poses in it like an alcoholic venereal Venus. If anything, this makes us really appreciate the charm and artistry of Bananarama more than I already do, which is a lot. The boys are supposed to wheel Kim out on this thing as she sings the opening verse, then help her out of the glass to a raised platform, from which she will descend to the stage and past all levels of good taste and musicianship.

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“So this is what life’s like at the Playgirl Mansion…”

Kim already has trouble figuring out how to alight from the set-piece gracefully, and you know by showtime she’s planning on drinking a hell of a lot more than she already has. Kandi tells her to remember to “interact with the audience” but doesn’t clarify that this means something other than flashing her cans at them, so that could be dicey. Kandi interviews that “rehearsal is extremely important” because if it looks like you don’t know what you’re doing onstage, “people will roast you and let you have it.” Kandi also tells us the routine devised by Mark “was super-easy. Kim could’ve gotten it in five minutes if she was paying attention.” But of course she isn’t. “I forgot I’m supposed to be working. I can’t stay focused,” Kim says, drooling over the mens. Kandi interviews that “I still haven’t figured out Kim’s goal as an artist. She’s not really disciplined, she doesn’t really practice… she doesn’t really take it seriously.” Well, you know, she’s so busy with… oh, wait. You’re right. She’s a lazy, ungrateful cow.
Phaedra’s house. “Relationship Mentors Mike and Cassandra” arrive for some Christian couple’s counseling. They sit down with Mr and Mrs Phaedra and ask how “the newlyweds” are doing. “We’re hangin’ on,” Apollo says, through one of his soon-to-be-patented strained smiles. Phaedra explains via interview that she and Apollo dated “in college” before he was sent up the river, then after his release, it was a whirlwind courtship/marriage/up-knocking resulting in this “pairing with a couple from the church” to help them with “all of these life-changes and transitions.” Mike opens the session by saying that last time they discussed meeting the other partner’s needs. A caterer or servant appears and Apollo is instantly distracted by what’s on his plate, which he seems somewhat skeptical of.
“Apollo does not like very elaborate dishes,” Phaedra tells us, “and I am a connoisseur of finer foods.” Like fried fish for breakfast. In Apollo’s defense, it’s hard to go from a starchy, overcooked prison diet to the fancy vittles a top attorney craves. “Growing up in a white household, he’s not used to all this fancy stuff. He likes canned foods, he likes packed meats, he just doesn’t care.” Racist much? Someone needs to tell this bitch the difference between “white” and “white trash”. The marriage ministers try to get back on rack by asking Apollo what his primary “love language” is. His answer is “quality time”. He says there’s a lot he and Phaedra don’t know about each other and spending quality time together is how they can correct that.

Picture 115
Classical Neo-Non-Caucasian Cuisine

Phaedra’s love language is “receiving gifts”. How spiritual! When Apollo scoffs that this is hardly a “love language”, Phae testily refutes that. Clad in a pec-hugging lavender polo shirt, Apollo interviews that being incarcerated has given him a different perspective on things, and says that he and the materialistic heifer love of his life have “clashing” ideas when it comes to their love-languages. Apollo, who is rapidly coming across as way too good for Phaedra, tells their mentors that he has trouble dropping “$3900″ for “Versace shoes” for Miss Southern Belle because as an expectant father, that seems irresponsible. Clueless Mike says why not gift her with “a rose from Publix” grocery store? Apollo says Phaedra would feel that’s not good enough, and she doesn’t refute that. Instead, Phaedra suggests he talk to “my staff” to find out exactly which pricey bags and/or footwear she’s hankering for, “then you don’t have to wonder.”
Apollo says he’s not interested in calling her shoppers and stylists to find out what she likes, and “to do that, we need to interact more.” Mike asks if they’re making progress as a couple, and they both admit that after the sessions, “we’re good for a week.” Everyone chuckles. “We’re gonna see after we have the baby,” Apollo says, meaning I’m not sure what but it can’t be good.
Hotel K-Hole. Steven, Kim’s hairstylist and make-up artist, slaps on a fresh coat that can withstand the harsh, age-emphasizing desert sunshine. Kim softly confides that she’s done the nightclub circuit but has never actually performed “on a stage” in concert before. Then she reverts to her super-irritating new habit of Oprah-like screaming (“JOHHHHHHN! TRA-VOL-TAAAAA!!!!!!!”), bellowing about the butterflies in her stomach. If they actually exist, they’re hardly fluttering around, since they’re dead of alcoholic poisoning. Steven tells her she’s there to sing, so try not to forget that.

Picture 116
Why ballerinas are traditionally flat-chested.

Cut to Kim all hussied up in her black titty tutu, which can barely contain her jiggling jugs. And she hasn’t even started dry-humping her back-up gays yet. “I feel like I’m goin to the prom,” Kandi remarks RE: her pink party frock. Me, too, Kim remarks, feeling her gag reflex die with the memory. They Lambo over to the venue, and as soon as she steps out of the ridonkulous car, Kim’s boobs threaten to spill out of her top. “If they did, I’d be completely mortified,” she insists.
Considering what she is, has on and is singing, exactly why exposing her tired nips to a sea of plastered pillow-biters fazes her is unclear. Luckily, Charlie Altuna saves the day by hastily sewing a yoke-strap around Kim’s neck to keep the twins strapped down.
With her nipples out of the way, Kim now starts freaking about not knowing a fucking thing she’s supposed to do onstage. Kandi, who clearly has had her fill of Diva Zolciak for the week, listens wearily as Kim says she’s just going to focus “on my vocals” and basically ignore the choreography. Kandi advises her to make sure she’s moving when she’s supposed to be, which Kim doesn’t want to hear. “I’M NERVOUS!” she Oprahs. “Either she’s gonna kill or she’s gonna die,” Kandi predicts via interview.
The drama continues as Kim, babbling her choreography to herself as she walks the Astroturf path to the stage, is beset by high desert winds and her tutu flutters up around her breasts. Demure as an Asian convent schoolgirl, Kim screams for Charlie to do something. With seconds remaining, Charlie frantically sews the delicate fabric “to my panties” as bellowing drag queen/pornographer Chi-Chi LaRue, who’s Kim’s exact double just slightly less obnoxious, introduces her to a squealing horde of hopped-up gays. The dancers push the martini glass onstage and Kim starts singing along with her backing track. The “Tardy” tape isn’t the only thing that’s been sweetened– Ryan may have fluffed up and slipped on a cock-ring, since he has a huge bulge in his sport trunks which Bravo apparently saw no reason to pixillate.

Picture 117
Yay for gayble TV!

“The second I started singing, my nerves just went away,” Kim tells us. “The crowd was havin fun and I just went with it.” But how was she? Here’s Kandi’s take on it: “Kim was doing OK. She remembered the steps, she remembered the lyrics. But as far as rockin the crowd and bein able to go off script, she hasn’t got that part yet.” Thank goodness Kandi struts onstage to mix things up a little, encouraging the audience to get fired up by questioning their ability to party. “I am not a background singer,” Kandi saucily tells us, “and that wasn’t really the audience that I’m used to, BUT I really wanted Kim to do well, so if I have to get up there and be her Hype Lady, so be it.
The performance ends and Kim wobbles offstage to enormous gay gushing. Kim interviews that the experience was “incredible and I was sad it was over.” Kandi tells Kim she did great and gives her boobs a hug. “I couldn’t have done it without you, really” Kim says sincerely. Awww! “I just cracked the door open– you kicked it in! Like, this is MY sh*t now!” Kandi says, giggling warm-heartedly. Kim says they should take it “on tour” and promises to “smoke outside the bus”. For a split-second, Kandi’s face hilariously reveals her horror at this idea, but she covers with a laugh. We heart Kandi.

Picture 118
You know who really loved Kim’s performance? Pink.

 

Next week: Kim wants to record another song but this time Kandi wants to get paid. Sheree sees the dubious Dr Tiy-E again and worries that he’s not rich enough for her. Phaedra wears a huge pink hat and acts like an asshole in a limo. NeNe gets drugged-up for surgery and demands to see Gregg.

Leia LaBiblia is a former teen model.

166 Comments

  1. 1
    Faye
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:36 am

    As a true southern gal, I must tell you that “fish and grits” is a perfectly acceptable breakfast or dinner meal :) . Back to reading

  2. 2
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:57 am

    I yelled at my computer when she said the thing about, Apollo being from a white household as the reason why he doesn’t like or get fine food. Because, as we all know, African-Americans invented French cuisine.

    Why is it ok for a black person, or anybody who’s NOT white, to stereotype white people? If I said something like “Well, Phaedra doesn’t like fine food, because, being from a black household, all she knows is KFC”. I would probably be shot on the spot. *looks around for snipers*

  3. 3
    kdognatl
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:58 am

    Ok, I WAS indifferent about Phaedra until this episode. She was so embarrassingly ignorant it was not even funny. Loved all the extra Apollo time though. I can not believe they got married, what was that about? I saw no real connection between them. Kim was so obnoxious this episode. Constantly yelling and ordering her assistant around the way she did was so rude. Loved how you referred to her as the future ex-personal assistant.

    And yes Leia, Dexter is freakin addictive, love me some sexy Dex ;) LMAO @ what you said about Lynda from RHODC!!

  4. 4
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:58 am

    To piggy back onto Faye’s comment, fish and grits is not a fancy dish either. If you eat it for breakfast it tends to be the fish from a fish fry the day before. Or you made salmon croquettes…

  5. 5
    Tiredofthebandwagon
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:15 am

    “Because, as we all know, African-Americans invented French cuisine.”
    Whoa fighting racist comments with equally inappropriate comments. You deserve a gold star.
    Phaedra is the worst. I guess its a good thing she did get that prenup because I don’t see them making it. How does she tell her likely unemployed husband she wants gifts? She knew he was broke when she met him. If she wants gifts, she better leave some money on the nightstand so he can buy them.

  6. 6
    marijai
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:22 am

    As a PRSG (Properly Raised Southern Girl), I have to admit that I have made salmon and grits for weekend brunch. However, I have never known any of my PRSGs to act the way Phaedra acts, and honestly, would not associate with her. And with the attitude she has, I don’t think the social elite of ATL would accept her. It’s called trying too hard and all that will get you is a shake of the head and a “bless her heart”.

  7. 7
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:25 am

    @Tiredofthebandwagon: Well, did they?

  8. 8
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:30 am

    Fish and grits sounds really yummy right now, I’m Epicuriousing that for this weekend. Any recommendations on the fish of choice? I like flaky white fish, and salmon.

    @tiredofthebandwagon – I thought the same thing re Apollo’s financial constraints in buying Phaedra gifts, anyway that’s a silly expectation to have in an established relationship, other than special occasions. I don’t think they’ll make it either – I wonder why she married him at all? She didn’t seem to be the one that wanted the baby, and it appears they don’t really even know each other very well.

  9. 9
    Tiredofthebandwagon
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:44 am

    @Matt Lam well an African-AMERICAN would not have invented FRENCH cuisine. But I do agree with everything else you said. Its not ok for any race to stereotype.
    @Zombie Cheez yes she is coming across as very unlikeable. Maybe she felt the pressure to get married. It is one thing to be a strong woman but I think she is crossing the line of emasculating her husband.

  10. 10
    Tiredofthebandwagon
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:45 am

    *crossing the line and beginning to emasculate her husband

  11. 11
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:58 am

    @Z Cheez, Catfish or Flounder works best.

  12. 12
    skatt
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    Tiredofthebanwagon: Oh, she absolutely GETS OFF emasculating him. It’s like she doesn’t feel complete unless she has said/suggested in some way: “You’re beneath me.”
    She strikes me as one of those horrible women that will actually resent her own child for the attention he/she will get and for the unconditional love her husband will probably lavish on it.

    She is just awful.

  13. 13
    LAC
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:11 pm

    Damn funny recap!

    God, Phaedra did Disney animated blowfish cunts proud this week! Damn, I think I need to set up a “free Apollo” facebook page. What a heifa!

    Kim – hot, drunk young gays love drag queens – Please don’t take this as a sign that you need to go on tour. Ya don’t…

  14. 14
    giffordsaz
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    For those who do not know, Phaedra spent Monday crowing in her BravoTV blog about “”Friendship, Parenting, and Marriage
    Phaedra talks relationships and explains her love language.”"
    And surprisingly spent Tuesday blogging once again to cover her ass
    “”
    Episode 3 Follow Up
    Phaedra clarifies her statements on this week’s episode..I have received numerous comments about the remarks that I made on the episode that aired on Monday, October 18, 2010.”"
    So, you might think she apologized or fell on her sword. Think again…. She tells you that you didn’t understand her.
    She ended with this group hug….
    “” While I do regret any discomfort or offense that my comments may have caused, I believe it is important that we use opportunities like this to create forums for dialogue and growth, not for personal attacks.”"
    What a lovely addition to the cast.
    http://www.bravotv.com/the-real-housewives-of-atlanta/season-3/blogs/phaedra-parks

  15. 15
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    @tiredofthebandwagon and@skatt, I agree on the emasculating issue and also the resentment she might have over his attention being focused on the baby. She really grates on me, I guess maybe because she seems to lack any warmth. Her comments about the baby are really off-putting to me, she doesn’t seem excited or happy about it all -it makes me sad for both the baby and Apollo.

    Apollo seems like the kind of guy that could walk away from the money if she’s too controlling. Everyone likes money, but not everyone needs a lot of it to be happy – I’m surprised at how likable and interesting I’m finding him. And also very easy on the eyes!

  16. 16
    Tiredofthebandwagon
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:23 pm

    @skatt I would love to see how she blames it on editing because she really is awful. Maybe she secretly resent Appollo because she liked him back in the day but she wasn’t pretty enough for him (I seriously doubt they dated) and she knows he is only with her because now she has money. Which is why she felt the need to tell everyone Appollo loves her and she made him sign a prenup to prove it. lol
    On the Bravo website, they have bonus clips. And in one clip she was talking about Cynthia and implying that Cynthia isnt a model because she is pretty but because she is tall and skinny. Like Phaedra is one to talk about who is pretty. She has a face only a mother could love. Delusional

  17. 17
    Tiredofthebandwagon
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:26 pm

    @Zombie Cheez he is very very easy on the eyes. And after the nationwide exposure, walking away may be even easier for him. And it does scare me how she talks about her children. What expetant parent goes into it expecting to beat your children?

  18. 18
    Faye
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Fried catfish and cheese grits are the stuff artery clogging is made of … YUMMY but unhealthy and not recommended except occassionally. Also on my do not recommend list – frying anything half ass naked. Just saying, fish grease to the nipple is no laughing matter.
    Phaedra is the worst type of joke. She is pretenious and sad. She is trying so hard to convince people that she is classy, mature, educated, and worthy that she comes across as a needy attention whore who will say or do anything to get the attention she thinks she so rightfully deserves. There is absolutely nothing impressive about her. My mother would always tell me not to be two negatives at the same time. Don’t be ugly AND stank. Don’t be stupid AND have a bad attitude. You need to have a balance. “Lawd, she shole is ugly but she got a 1600 on her SAT’s … bless her heart”

  19. 19
    skatt
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Giffordsaz: That is some Grade-A Prime Lawyer Speak (that’s bullshit to the rest of us) right there.

    Tiredofthebandwagon: I know. It’s like she doesn’t get that when she brags about the pre-nup, people don’t think she’s smart. They just hear some dumb bitch bragging about the leash she had to buy to keep a man.

    ZCheez: That just floored me. She seemed to bring the “I will be beating the children, FYI” out of thin air.

  20. 20
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    Well Faye, you can have Tilapia (sp) and grits which is healthier but not quite a yummy. And I too have fallen victim to cooking without enough clothing.

  21. 21
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 12:46 pm

    LOL!!!! @Faye!!!! Hahahaha!!!

    Oh, and cheese grits just made my stomach growl – I’m drooling, I love those.

  22. 22
    susanl
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    OK, grew up and live in the south and we never had “regular” fish and grits for breakfast. Salmon patties, yes, and trendy shrimp and grits in the now years. Growing up in a “white” family, our meals didn’t consist of just “canned food and luncheon meat”. We ate good, healthy (fresh veggies),and normal food. Sorry, but I just don’t see an average black family in Athens eating Chicken Cordon Blue and Fois Gras for their regular meals. Not that it’s not done but she makes it sound as if this was an everyday occurence growing up. And the only person I saw wearing a nightie cooking breakfast was Erica Kane on AMC (that is when she cooked). What an uppity Beotch! Poor Apollo seems really nice and yet is stuck with a perfectly awful wife. Those marriage helpers should have put her in her place.

  23. 23
    susanl
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    I love how Kim was so worried about her nips popping out yet every other scene had them popping out while being filmed (love the blackout tape) by Bravo and that didn’t seem to faze her. If you don’t want to expose yourself, wear clothes that aren’t 5 sizes too small for you. Khandi needs to get away from that life sucker-outer fast.
    Did anyone notice Sherea’s upper arms and shoulders? She looked like a male body builder! Huge traps. On a man it would have looked good, on her, way too butch.
    I wonder if Sweetie and Jennifer, Michaelaea’s, assistante could get together and compare assistant notes. And why is Cynthia on this show? So far her only claim to fame is not wanting to get married.
    Just can’t stand Phakedra!!!!

  24. 24
    jungaluv
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    Is that Kim Vo in the background of the “Pink” photo? Please, please, please let that be Jonathan Antin with him…

  25. 25
    Faye
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    Phaedra does not speak for anyone except the Society for the Delusional. Besides her “upper class” dinner was surf and turf. Not to say it did not look good but the sous chef at Red Lobster could have achieved the same results in a quick fire challenge!! “Good evening Padma, I have for you an Anthens raised rib eye steak with lemon foie gras, a lobster in aged seared butter with Mrs. dash for flavoring, topped with caramelized collard greens dipped in 2 week gas stove top grease from the Baptist Church fish fry, deconstructed cornbread, and a pea purée. Enjoy”

  26. 26
    2muchbravo
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    OK, add to the Phaedra Haters club. She’s trying to hard to be whatever. She’s all proper lawyer talk one minute and “IMO slap ma’ chile’s ass” the next. “I like giffs.” “Bacon fresh off the farm is so much better than store bought bacon.” She’s holding her proper little pinky finger up while she eats it and drinks her juice. !!!!!
    I think she was trying to be cute making little Raven Simone faces. Well, I’ve got news for you Honey. You’re not cute and you’re not a Southern Belle!
    I’m white and I wasn’t offended by what she said. I just think she came off looking like a fool. I would have LOVED to have been a fly on the wall at NeNe’s house for this episode. Between Phaedra and Kim’s antics I bet NeNe was whooping!

    Hold on….KIM VO’S GAY?????!!!!

  27. 27
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 3:27 pm

    This episode had very little Nene. Or rather, her storyline had very little to do with the plot. She explained to her younger son, Brent, how Bryce got into trouble without spilling the deets. Does she think her 11 yr old doesn’t know about marijuana when her older son looks like a quintessential pothead? I’m sure Brent knows more than he lets on..he’s probably found a bong or two lying on the floor in Bryce’s room, tangled in a pile of dirty clothes, it’s THC-infused water
    staining the carpet. Give the boy some credit, Nene.

    Sheree’s oldest daughter finally makes an appearance. I guess Sheree had to admit to having an adult child after the blogs blew up when she purported to being a ‘young’ mother of two. But her daughter is beautiful, seems pleasant and intelligent, so Sheree should have been willing to flaunt her proudly, as she does her mediocre design talent. Let’s see..one of them is admirable and one of them is tacky and forgettable. But Mama places her pride where she will..

    Also, Kim is…sexy? Her back fat was enough to make me not want to leave my wife. The stylist had to incorporate shoestring to the back of her dress to add 5 more inches to the silohuette. And those blurred out boobs looked a little…sleepy. They were nodding off, ready for a nap on her lowest rib.

    I don’t believe Dwight paid $30,000 of his own cash for Sheree’s show. Like Whitney said, “I wanna see recepits!”

    The fact that Sheree had no idea who paid for what for her fashion show was proof that Bravo paid for all of it. I mean, how could not know..any enterpreneur knows to save receipts to write off expenses from your taxes. Amateur…liar.

    Dwight..we saw your yellow stoned ring last episode. That doesn’t fool us into thinking you’re rich. It’s clearly a cheap sapphire purchased from Target just like Teresa’s anniversary present. (Good thing us Gasmii are no strangers to google.)

    I don’t even remember the new Housewife’s name. Claudia? Whatever, we’ll call her Supermodel. I feel so bad for her ‘younger’ sister who looks atleast 10 years older. I always said if I had 2 daughters, then I would have a 3rd, just so the competition wouldn’t be so tough. One is drop dead gorgeous and the other haggard? Totes unfair. A third would even the playing field, dontcha think?

    I’ve been liking Apollo lately. Phaedra is so superficial and shallow. He wants to give quality time amd she wants gifts? Girl probably doesn’t even care that they’re bought with her money, as long as her name is on the package. Apollo knows he aint got no job! Let him give you love…after all, ‘it don’t cost a thing.’

    And in between slaps, she’s gonna puree ‘fwah-gwah’ for her baby’s sophisticated palette. I think what she said was ignorant but I don’t think she was being racist. Aside from southern white families, most traditionally white American meals are a little on the ‘safe’ side. But if you grew up in the South, especially in a Black household, then you are no stranger to ‘wierd’ dishes like chitterlings, pig’s feet, ox tail, etc. And trust me, if you’ve sucked on a pig’s feet, then you should have no problem licking goose liver off a cracker.

  28. 28
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 4:09 pm

    @Matt, I love you, but another KFC reference and I’m gonna snipe you. ;)

    Also, I don’t think anyone can make stereotypical comments these days, regardless of who they direct them to. Look at all the backlash Phaedra is getting for her comments.

  29. 29
    Sue Sylvester
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 4:23 pm

    I’m glad to see I’m not the only one finding Apollo surpisingly likeable. He seems too nice for what he’s gotten himself into. Maybe he’s just a bad judge of character. It could explain why a seemingly nice guy ends up in prison on racketeering charges. And if he didn’t learn his lesson, why he married that horrible woman (possibly worse than a prison sentence).

    Zombie Cheese, if you can get it, GROUPER. So good fried it will actually make you dizzy. If you want something heathlier, mix your grits with some boiled shrimp and diced tomatoes (and cheese makes everything better). I’m just a white girl but I think it’s pretty good.

    And Sarcasatire, when I was a kid, I thought the giant jar of pickled pigs feet was next to the cash register every place you could ever go!

  30. 30
    ohralphie
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 4:33 pm

    @sarcas — I don’t know about white people eating only ‘safe’ food. My grandmothers favorite snack was pickled pig feet and my grandfather was raised on tripe. Gizzards, chicken hearts and deep fried mushrooms were no strangers at my house growing up and in fact for the big game on Saturday we had homemade enchiladas and korean pancakes.
    Not ragging on you, but I think the world is a much smaller place then it used to be and stereotypes have less and less grains of truth in them all the time.

    That said I have to admit that my brothers in laws were total WASPS and their version of spicy food was adding salt and pepper to a dish. Bland as hell.

  31. 31
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 5:18 pm

    Sarcas: You’re a man? I thought you were a girl/woman, whatever?

    I’m so confused.

    I’m sorry about the KFC. I’ll buy you a bucket to make it all better.

  32. 32
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 5:22 pm

    @Sue Sylvester

    I do not like fish. I know..I am a southerner that doesn’t like fish.Blasphemy!lol But I will eat grouper! I grew up near salt water and it was the one fish that I truly liked. Now I live near mostly lakes, and I am not fond of fresh water fish. But the hubby loves my fried catfish. (We never buy fish always caught)..

    The hubby and I also have a disagreement as far as what cheese to put in the grits ! lol I love sharp cheddar and he thinks the sun rises and sets on Velveeta in the grits :-)

    TC, Robin

  33. 33
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    @Matt: lol, yes..I’m a woman. I was using “leave my wife” in speaking on behalf of Big Poppa.
    And please, no KFC..but if you wanna make it up to me with some fish and grits, I maybe could find a little forgiveneess in my heart.

    @ohralphie: Sounds like your family hails from the South! I specificed that aside from “southern White families” (who I am sure eat as ‘weird’ as Southern Black families, that white Americans from other parts of the country eat a traditional food that does not mainly consist of those you listed. I am speaking of a majority that lives outside of the south. They definitely don’t eat that way on the Eastern seaboard north of PA! (My best friend keeps trying to visit my gramma’s house on Thanksgiving so she can try the spread..it looks like Aunt Francis’ house. Naturally, her mom would disown her if she missed a major holiday but she’s curious to know what I’m raving about)

    My parents come from the heart of the south, mom was a sharecropper, and they eat stuff you couldn’t pay me to eat. Chitlins, pigs feet (ew), coon (yes, I said coon, and I’ve seen it shaved in my gramma’s sink once..sucker still had it’s teefs and nails!).
    I don’t even put cheese in my grits. Or gravy. Just crumbled bacon, scrambled eggs, and ketchup. Mmm..been eating it like that since I was 5.

    I also had no intention to try foie gras either because I abhor liver of any kind, but my date once convinced me to try a bite and it was surprisingly good! Not that I’d begin ordering it from menus..but I did gobble his up with speed. I’ve been pretty adventurous with other proteins; alligator, escargot, piranha, chicken hearts, termites, Venezuelan ants sauce.. but I still won’t eat pigs feet. @Sue: Yep, I used to see it in the stores but always wondered, “who the heck would buy that?”

  34. 34
    chemgal
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:11 pm

    The best fried fish is pollack.

    @ohralphie, I grew up in the North but attended college below the mason dixon and greatly offended a number of my dorm mates when I dry heaved while they ate the tripe, biscuts and gravy served in the cafeteria. Your grandfather is a daring man!

  35. 35
    ohralphie
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:13 pm

    @sarcas — nope, not the South. They were from eastern europe and settled in Nebraska. Perhaps its an ethnic thing? Any which way I think we can all agree that Phae somehow landed herself one hot ass man who is going to leave her the first time a woman treats him kindly. I feel for her baby though. Why do I get the feeling that the poor kid will never be smart/pretty/athletic/polite enough. Or at least as wonderful as their momma.

  36. 36
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Sarcas: I know what fish is, but grits…? Is it ok if I pay someone to make some for you? Like, I dunno, Apollo, wearing nothing but an apron?

  37. 37
    ohralphie
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:18 pm

    @chemgal– nope, grandpa was not daring just born dirt poor. As an adult he would never let my grandmother serve tripe. Thank god.
    I’m with you I can’t eat any type of organ meat. Or knuckles, snouts, tails and/or ears. The thought is enough to make me heave.
    But once I ate a sandwich out of a vending machine (daring in and of itself) and it was delicious. The meat was so tender, so flavorful! Then I made the mistake of reading the ingredient list only to find out that it was a beef heart sandwich. Gag, gag and gag.

  38. 38
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:27 pm

    ohralphie: Sounds like your family hails from the South! I specificed that aside from “southern White families” (who I am sure eat as ‘weird’ as Southern Black families, that white Americans from other parts of the country eat a traditional..

    As far as what’s in the pantry and what’s on the stove, I don’t see any difference in how I prepare it and how my black friends prepare it. Now, taste is a different thing altogether and just because I don’t like pigs feet doesn’t diminish my southern roots. Or the fact that I like sushi.

    Just an observation, It seems that race has been brought up here more than ever before. I can only hope that our food choices aren’t an offshoot of that too.

    Robin

  39. 39
    JessiMae82
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:34 pm

    Chemgal, your mention of biscuits and gravy has my mouth watering! I’m a Southern gal, born and raised, and I can assure you that we would waste away and die without biscuits and sausage gravy, grits, or sweet tea. :)

    I love fried catfish or perch, but my hubby hates fish. I don’t get to eat it nearly as much as I’d like.

  40. 40
    ohralphie
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    @robinez — Nope they were never south of Nebraska and never East of the Missouri. Apparently a penchant for gross foods transcends racial, social and geographic lines.

    And I bet they would have hated Theresa, too.

  41. 41
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    @JessieMae82

    “Chemgal, your mention of biscuits and gravy has my mouth watering! I’m a Southern gal, born and raised, and I can assure you that we would waste away and die without biscuits and sausage gravy, grits, or sweet tea.

    I love fried catfish or perch, but my hubby hates fish. I don’t get to eat it nearly as much as I’d like.”

    We have the opposite prob in my family. I don’t like fish the hubby loves it. Biscuits and Gravy yummmy..I love grits but with sausage gravy I have to have fried potatoes to pour the gravy over alongside the biscuits :-) …I have already eaten ..but for some reason, I am hungry..

    TC,Robin

  42. 42
    chemgal
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:48 pm

    @Jessi, cafeteria biscuits and gravy were gross, but a few years later when I moved off campus, my roommate’s boyfriend would make biscuits and gravy that were to die for. I should have weighed enough that Richard Simmons and the local fire department needed to remove me from our house following graduation. Thank God for the metabolism provided to us in our early 20′s.

  43. 43
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:52 pm

    @olralphie

    “@robinez — Nope they were never south of Nebraska and never East of the Missouri. Apparently a penchant for gross foods transcends racial, social and geographic lines.

    And I bet they would have hated Theresa, too.”

    Sorry about that olralphie. I cc&p a post and forgot to use quotation marks . My Bad….But I absolutely agree with you, so it was a good mistake on my part :-)

    TC,Robin

    I bet they would have hated Teresa too ! lol

  44. 44
    marijai
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 7:58 pm

    Okay @Robin…you are starving me to death! Biscuits, gravy, fried potatoes…sounds like breakfast (or sometimes dinner) at my grandmother’s house.

    I may loathe the Salami’s, but I DESPISE Phaedra!

  45. 45
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    Oh God Mari Me too!

  46. 46
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 8:17 pm

    I better clarify my sushi statement. While I dont like fish, I do like those rolls with crab and cucumber and cream cheese. Doesn’t everyone?

    Robin :-)

  47. 47
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 8:30 pm

    @Robinez said, “As far as what’s in the pantry and what’s on the stove, I don’t see any difference in how I prepare it and how my black friends prepare it.”

    I’m confused. I’m sure you read in my quote that very one you pasted where I said, “‘southern White families’ (who I am sure eat as ‘weird’ as Southern Black families,)”, that it is clear that I was not making the distinction that you accuse me of. Nor have I mentioned anything about ‘food preparation’ differing amongst the races or how not liking pigs feets diminshes your southern roots. So your whole statement confuses me. I wrote in my post that my family is southern and that I hate pigs feet! So, I really don’t know where you’re coming from with your comments, but to avoid a back-and-forth, let’s just agree to disagree and move on.

    @ohralphie: I think every culture has it’s own version of ‘peasant food’. It’s the way to economize by eating every part of an animal (protein is protein). I’m sure it exists all over the world. I’m dating a Scottish guy and as adventurous as I may seem with the proteins, I would never try haggis! (famous last words…lol)

    @Matt: Grits is porridge-like, made from ground corn and cooked with water. (same preparation as oatmeal.) And Apollo, while hot, is not my type. But if you can manage to get Adam Levine, standing in my kitchen in his skivvies, then not only will I forgive you, I’ll give you a kidney.

  48. 48
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Sarcas: I’m sure that can be arranged. Can I also have a piece of your liver? Just in case?

    Wait… is there still room for me, in that heart of yours? :O

  49. 49
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 9:06 pm

    @Robin, I’m really picky about fish too. I love Grouper, you are so lucky to have access to it!! My family used to spend a lot of time in the Bahamas, and I practically lived on it. I love Caribbean food – especially just the everyday homestyle stuff.

    I’m definitely trying fried fish and grits this weekend though – but probably not Grouper because it’s really expensive here – and I usually can’t resist and grill it and serve it Bahamian style!

    I have to say, so far my favorite person on this display of fuckery is Malorie. She totally reminded me of Julia Roberts’ character in “America’s Sweethearts”. Sheree is beat, Nene is beat, Khandi is boring, Kim is too vile to even think about and Phaedra is ignorant and offensive on every level – her obvious disdain for what she views as “white” culture aside, I couldn’t care less about that – she’s an idiot.

    I like Apollo, so far he comes off as sweet and genuine – but the effects of 6 years in prison doesn’t dissipate as fast as his prison pallor did so we’ll see what happens there… I hope he’s as decent as he seems though.

    I despise Phaedra!! Team Malorie!!!

  50. 50
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Oh yeah re Phaedra – Negligee at the table?? Really?? That is so trashy, LOL!

    As Testosteresa would say;” Who da fuck does dat?”

    I hate Teresa, I loathe the Salami’s and I despise Phaedra!! Team Malorie!!

  51. 51
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 9:19 pm

    @Sarasatire

    “I’m confused. I’m sure you read in my quote that very one you pasted where I said, “’southern White families’ (who I am sure eat as ‘weird’ as Southern Black families,)”,”

    No confusion on my end. If it wasn’t clear to you I will gladly say it again differently in hopes that it will be understood this time.

    My point was that I do not find any difference between “black southern cooking” and “white southern cooking” in my experience. I especially don’t find anything “weird” about either.

    I will also reiterate that I do not believe that food is a black or white issue. For goodness sakes, it’s food. And, food is something that brings folks together. “Breaking Bread” as it were. There are many more important things to talk about concerning race without it being thrust into a thread that was essentially talking about food.

    I decline to ever again allow you to tell me to “agree to disagree and move on” as if I am to be put aside because you either do not understand, as in this case, or don’t like what I have said. I will continue to post exactly what I want here as I see fit. I expect that you will continue to do so too.

    Robin

  52. 52
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 9:40 pm

    Look, Robin..I’m not interested in what you think of my comments because it is obvious you do not like me and are possibly reading what I say with a certain ‘eye’. My only point was to say food of the South differs from food everyone else in the country and many dishes in the homes of traditional white families outside of the south does not include organs like stomach, intenstines, feet, and knuckles. My point was to say that this maybe what Phaedra meant as to why she believes Apollo is reluctant to try goose liver and such, because maybe he’s unaccustomed to eating organs.

    Truthfully speaking, based on the tone of what you are accusing me of saying, it is making me uncomfartable so I would appreciate if you ignore my comments altogether or atleast not engage me in a discussion where you throw accusations my way..especially when it was clearly not what I’d written. I am quite happy ignoring your posts and am all the more better for it. Only because @ohralphie responded to my comment but addressed it to you did I get confused. So I scrolled up to see you incorrectly dissect my words. But I especially do not want to engage in another flame war on the boards. I’m over it, the moderators are over it, the other posters are over it.. aren’t you?

  53. 53
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 9:57 pm

    @Matt: Yes, you can have a piece of my liver, but only if you serve it as pate and not friend with onions. We’re going for classy here, mmkay?

    And, yes..you still have a place in my heart. You know I can’t stay mad for long.

    (P.S. Can we be Lisa and Cedric? I think we’d make a good team. :) )

  54. 54
    giffordsaz
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 9:59 pm

    Yes we are.. but I do have to comment on you being uncomfartable.. that really sounds painful.

  55. 55
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:02 pm

    *fried with onions* lol

  56. 56
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:03 pm

    @giff: LOL..must be the onstart of my IBS. :-P

  57. 57
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    I’m not sure if everyone remembers from my ‘expozay’ on the first recap that Apollo was released from prison in May 2009. It seems as if the show was filmed during the Spring 2010, by what I can see from the wardrobe and greenery. And Phaedra appears to be heavily pregnant. So, maybe she and Apollo had a passionate fling but when she got pregnant, he convinced her to keep it and he did the honorable thing by marrying her? (We all know that was the stipulation she had before agreeing to keep the baby. Because Southern belles are not baby mamas)

    They don’t seem to know each other that well, amirite? And having been “free” for only 1 yr and 4 months(presently), Apollo already has a wife and a child. I tell ya, anytime your parole is longer than your courtship, you’re moving too fast.

  58. 58
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:19 pm

    Sarcas: Sure. I didn’t wanna eat your liver though. Just keep it in case I need a new one (apparently, if you transplant a little piece of it, in someone else, it grows into a full, brand new liver. Same for the donor. Apparently).

    Who’s Cedric?

  59. 59
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:27 pm

    @Matt: Sure, you can have a piece of my liver. But you may wanna come and get it soon. Don’t know how long it’ll last. *gulps box wine*

    Cedric..Lisa Vanderpump’s ‘kept’ boy. I love them! You can stay at my tract mansion (hurry though, don’t know how long i’ll be able to keep up with the payments) and sneak the keys to my Camry to cruise around town, and you can even walk my balding, 3-legged chihuahua around the yard. It’ll be fun! Fun, I tell ya!

  60. 60
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 10:29 pm

    Or we can just sip Moet Rose’ and talk about people.

  61. 61
    Matt Lam
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    @Sarcas: You drink wine… out of a BOX?! *dies*

    I’ll hook you up with some good stuff. How about we just drink Crystal and talk about people. Or how Kim’s rimjobs is what keeps Big Poppa coming back for more? Up to you really.

  62. 62
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 21, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    LOL@ Matt: No, wine-in-a-box for me. But since we are on the ATL recap, I figured I’d have cheap libations and am almost foreclosed Mcmansion as part of my fantasy life. I’d much prefer Crystal and catty-chats. And, Adam Levine. *licks lips*

  63. 63
    itchy
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:00 am

    Just in case anyone is interested: the bag-in-box system is the best way to keep wine, because it is an oxygen-free environment. Corked bottles, while traditional, are the worst way to keep wine, since cork allows too much air in, and usually result in spoilage. Artificial corks are slightly better. Screwcaps are the best way to keep bottled wine, but wine snobs would never accept them.

    A couple of other factoids: most wines, the huge majority, are not meant to be aged but should be drunken as soon as possible. Also, most people are unable to recognize a cork-tainted wine, and this goes for a lot of the so-called wine experts. Lastly, the percentage of cork-tainted wine is actually quite high. Probably the swill you drank last night.

    I had to research the cork industry a while back, that’s where most of this info comes from. Oh yeah, I live in France and drink bag-in-box wine almost daily. But we only serve bottled wine to our guests, of course!

  64. 64
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:14 am

    @itchy: I’m sure living in France has also led to you try the best of the best: wine vending machines! Bring your own bottle, this ‘pump’ is self-serve and uber-cheap. ($2/liter) I guess packaging really does drive the price up, eh?

    http://www.drvino.com/2010/09/14/self-serve-tanks-wine-french-supermarkets/

  65. 65
    PottyMouth PottyMouth
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 3:30 am

    Leia,

    Great recap! My sinuses are now completely clear but their is snot all over my keyboard.

    I have to say I don’t agree with the notion that only Southern families have weird food on their tables. I am from the Northeast and we ate plenty o’weird in my house. In fact, my dad did not allow us to say we didn’t like something until we had tried it. Hearts and gizards, kidneys, sweet breads, tongue, oxtail soup, etc. You name it, I have probably tried it. And happen to like most of it.

    Now I’m not going to lie and say that my family is indicative of everyone up here in the North, but I think that food varies by culture and traditions in ALL families, whether they are from the South or not. And all this reading and talking about food is making me hungry at 6:30 in the morning! Damn.

    Thanks again for a great recap, Leia! I wasn’t going to watch this season, but yet again your recaps have sucked me in.

    SWAK, PottyMouth

  66. 66
    whoochile
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 5:23 am

    Itchy I totally agree! So many people ding on boxed wines, but there are a few that are quite good. One of my good friends manages properties in France and she says exactly what you did. She drinks wine out of the bag all the time and that “bagged” wine is commonplace in France. I usually have a wine cow in my fridge going at all times. I do have to keep myself from getting a little from the teat as I pass by!

  67. 67
    chemgal
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 6:09 am

    My husbands family grows grapes, he grew up on a 100 acre grape farm, some of which were wine grapes, some for Welch’s. A cousin moved to Napa and owns his own winery out there. At all family functions, unless it is direct from the cousins winery, all wine is in a box. My friend works at a private resort in Florida that caters to the extremely wealthy. On a visit, I met the sommelier and joked that the only wine I drink from a bottle is my $8 riesling, everything else from a box. He let me know that most people have no idea what they are drinking and think more expensive equals better. He told me some of the best wines are less than $15 a bottle, boxes are best and the good news is that most people are snobs and won’t touch them which helps keep the price down.

  68. 68
    sheesh
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 6:15 am

    I have turned the boyfriend onto biscuits and gravy, fried potatoes, sweet cornbread, and country fried steak all southern dishes that he now demands.
    In turn he I have learned to make tripe, oxtail soup, beef tongue, and spam dishes because that is what he grew up with.

    I am from the midwest and he is from the Phillipines so go figure.

    Phaedra’s comments about Apollo not having a discerning palate comes from a place of insecurity, some people tear others down to feel good about themselves.

    Why would they not have conversations about childrearing BEFORE she got with child unless they married because she was pregnant.

    I swear Phaedra. Education does not equal intelligence

  69. 69
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 6:22 am

    My cable is back. I finally saw this episode last night.

    Pheadra is everything I hate. It irritates me to no end when people make certain blanket statements. Well he’s different because he grew up in a white household. I know plenty of people who grew up in white households who ate all the organs of animals, who got spanked, and know that when grown people are talking you are not to interrupt. on the flip side I know plenty of black families in the south that have never had animal organs serve at their dinner table. This marriage is not going to work out because they are not on the same page with their goals in the marriage or in life.

    Nene– What is Britt..11?!?!? I think that this would have been a good lesson for him to tell him exactly what his brother did. It would have been a good teaching lesson on what he should not do and look at what kind things he is going through as a consequence.

    Kim — She is lazy. She could have really turned this into something had she put just a little work into it.

    Kandi– She really is a good person and really has no business on a show like this unless she is just doing it to promote her album. Supposedly her guy from the first show is living with the mother of his child so booooooooo for him.

    Cynthia — I guess they are trying to get us caught up in the will she or won’t she, but I don’t care.

    Sheree — I hate her. Did you really have someone over your house to confront them but really there was no confrontation?!!?? Her daughter is quite cute. I hope that her and her boyfriend work out.

  70. 70
    Unbelievable Housewives of Atlanta
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 7:17 am

    You are brilliant! Love your recaps and your captions!!!! Brilliant!!

  71. 71
    tvaholic
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 8:52 am

    classy-does this mean that was the only time we will see that eye-Kandi?? Boooooo for us!!!

    itchy-everyone here is getting hungry, am I the only one who is thirsty? It’s not quite 11 am & I’m so craving some wine…work sure gets in the way of that. I need to do whatever it is that Mary Amons does. And I’m totally on board with the boxed wine. Three Bandits is pretty good, and even the Target brand is pretty decent. Now we just need everyone to get on board so I can have some of my favorites in boxes-and have that wine cow of whoochile’s working 24/7!!

  72. 72
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:10 am

    I’m big on the Bota Box…. and having hors d’oeuvres for dinner. And cheating and having a smoky treat… Bota, Jarlsberg and Dunhill’s – I’m a happy girl.

  73. 73
    tvaholic
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:18 am

    ZCheez-I don’t do the smokey treats any more, but chocolate goes damn good with red. Although sometimes I find myself standing next to a smoker & inhaling the second hand smoke-every once in a while it smells so good! And I live in WI so cheese is pretty much a given, that is one food stereotype that I will not deny!

  74. 74
    marijai
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:28 am

    I’m not much of a wine drinker, but my favorite is $5 per bottle and has a screw top. My best friend drinks her chardonnay over ice. One of my fave ways to spend a night in with boyfriend is snuggled on the couch, watching TV, eating “hor d’oeuvres”, and drinking my $5 wine while he drinks his Miller beer. If it’s raining (not likely here) all the better. We’re a wild couple, I tell ya! :-)

  75. 75
    chemgal
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:28 am

    but chocolate goes damn good with red. Oh tvaholic you are so funny! Chocolate goes good with red, white, sparkling, flat, bottled, tap ……

  76. 76
    marijai
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:29 am

    Oh yeah, and sometimes I say “honey, pass me the bong”! LOL

  77. 77
    whoochile
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 10:33 am

    I just found a decent box Chard from Black Oak, it is a little smaller box though, boo :(

  78. 78
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Black Oak is pretty good @whoochile! Let’s have a box wine, hors d’oeuvres, chocolate and smoky/tokey get together! I’ll host, we can toast in the sunset and dine on the terrace, then move it to the deck for some music and dancing. I’ll supply the band and the accommodations! :)

  79. 79
    whoochile
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:09 am

    Zombie, sounds like a plan! Then, on your dognapping trek across country you guys can stop over in good ol’ Nebraska. I’ll try and make some of those drinky, drinky hats, but for wine boxes instead of cans??

  80. 80
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:14 am

    Oh! I am so on board with drink dispensing hats – we’ll stop in Nebraska first so we can pre-flight the big shindig at my house! :D

    Don’t worry about not having a pet, I have enough for everybody, LOL!

  81. 81
    whoochile
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:17 am

    I do have a cat who recently adopted us when my big beautiful Newfie was not doing well. Had the trek happened 5 months ago, you guys could have had a 140 lb slobbery gorgeous beardog

  82. 82
    skatt
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:24 am

    Somehow last week I didn’t she the preview for Phaedra’s Baby Shower/Cotiillion/Goat Rodeo/Acid Trip in next weeks episode.

    That’s gonna be some good shit.

  83. 83
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:36 am

    @Skatt: It even inspired a new word; boughetto.

  84. 84
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:42 am

    @whoochile – I love Newfies! It sounds like you lost him recently though,and I’m really sorry – losing pets is losing part of your family! :(

    @skatt – you KNOW that’s going to be a total festival of overpriced crap. I can’t wait to see what kind of ticky-tacky infant drag-show that’s going to be, LOL.

  85. 85
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:58 am

    @ Z cheez since northern white people are making the food will the hors d’oeuvres only be made of packed meat and canned food?!?!?! I wouldn’t want the dishes to be too elaborate/fancy for your guests. I mean unless you are having some southern African Americans at your party then you can serve all kinds of animal organs.

  86. 86
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    I guess growing up watching sitcoms that are meant to reflect traditional American families, the Cleavers, Partridge family, Full House, Malcolm in the Middle..it seems as every show has the family gathered around the dinner table. And I never see them indulging in tongue, intestines, tripe, or turkey necks. So, I guess it is silly for one to assume that these are not traditional foods. I guess it’s sillier to assume someone raised in a similar household may not want to eat organs later in life no matter how fancy the dish considered. *shrugs*

    Then again, I guess it’s also to silly to balk at blanket statements then make one yourself. *shrugs again*

  87. 87
    susanl
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    Does Apollo have a last name? I’m sure Park’s is hers as it would be beneath her to take his.
    I didn’t find her white vs black food offensive but just thought if she grew up in Athens she most likely didn’t eat the “sofistimacated” food she now enjoys.
    And *thanks* Scarcastaire for that pigs feet comment. Now I have that “Precious” scene in my head where the mother/daughter were eating the hairy pigs feet with collards. PUKE!

  88. 88
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:28 pm

    @susanl: You’re welcome! Ha-ha..I still haven’t seen the movie, but my great-grandmother would make pigs feet for New Years..she’d bake them and I think smother them in bbq sauce..I don’t remember because I stayed far, far away from that dish. PUKE is right.

    I think Apollo’s last name is Nida.

  89. 89
    pantsonfire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    I gotta call bullshit! I am so sick and tired of this race issue, that keeps getting brought up by who else, black people. Sheree says I am a black woman in a white womans body- I can’t dance- I’m white that way. No one is calling her out on that? I dance very well thank you Sheree, and I am white. I love reverse racism- at it’s best. And this business from Nene ‘I just want my son to grow up to be a strong black man– If I said I want my son to grow up to be a strong white man, you kow that would be jumped on in a heatrtbeat by the Stacies of the world. Don’t get me started on Phaedra- I mean if she is so ignorant to believe ALL white people eat out of cans, then I woill continue to espoiuse my belief that all black people have 20 oz bottles of malt liquor in a bag close by. I wish all these bitches would shut their Pieholes K? I also would like to point out that Stacie has NO moral high ground to accuse Cat of being uncomfortable in a black environment, seeing as she is half WHITE- and African, she has no blood ties to the history of slavery in the South, and therefore cannot expect I as the vieweer to see that she, herself has been oppressed becuase of the color of her skin. She went to Harvard, Really? Guess what Stace- technically your not black. Accept your part white instead of covering it up, and embrace it too. REVERSE RACISM. She’s not willing to embrace anything white, but is willing to embrace her African father who collects goats in repayment for his daughters. NO MORAL HIGHGROUND- and she absolutely did, as an act of subterfuge, accuse Cat of being uncomfortable, intimating she was rascist, which fueled Erika Pit bull. I think Stacie was the one uncomfortabale with having Cat in her Black Environment, of which Stacie is not really a part of. Maybe all her problems stem from her own insecurity about being half white, and how she has always perceived bi-racial folk. Notice she never refers to herself as biracial- she is always black. Thoughts?

  90. 90
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    I believe it was Shakespeare who said:

    What’s in a name?
    That which we call liver
    by any other name will still taste like shit.

  91. 91
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:43 pm

    I thought Apollo’s last name was White, because Ephedra kept talking about how he grew up in the White house, and ate the White food… Am I missing something here?

  92. 92
    susanl
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    I love gravy, bisquits, and grits (I’m starving)! I was also fed coffee as a small child. This was before Dr Spock said it would stunt your growth. I love chicken livers (with gravy) but no other animal organs. I also love fish but we never ate it for breakfast. It was a supper food. Lunch was the Chef Boyardee box pizza . Oh the memories…..
    And FYI there is a chocolate wine. The wine mixture is cabernet. We blend it with vanilla ice cream. It’s called Choco Vine and YUMMY! There is also a great sweet red by Schlinkhaus (sic?).

  93. 93
    tvaholic
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    Who thinks that Phaedra will be pissed when she finds out all the gifts at the shower are for the baby? She’ll start whoopin’ that kid in utero!!

    Oh and BTW-Target has 4-packs of what I call “juice box” wine. Perfect for the road trip, you can drink it like a beer! And Chemgal, I believe at my Target the chocolate/candy aisle is one over from the booze aisle-one stop shopping at it’s best!! Holy crap is it 5 yet, I needs me some wine!!

  94. 94
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    @susanl and @tvaholic – you guys are bringing that stuff to the party, right?

  95. 95
    Joslyn Jones
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    … $1200.” “For that mess that she made?!” Sheree squawks. “It was NOT up to par!” Sounding a tad flustered, Dwight says Glen made “thangs” at Kinkos, including “sign-in lists” and “alphabets”. LOL. So far we’re up to around $1209.99. Although, to be fair, maybe alphabets have gone way, way up since I watched Sesame Street.

    DYING Laughing on this one! OK, back to reading. :)

  96. 96
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:10 pm

    @ pantsonfire, I hate to be picky, but it’s 40 oz bottles malt liquor. sheesh…the rappers don’t make these songs for nothing –just saying.

    I agree with you though @pants. It should not be ok for one race to say something, but then get upset if someone of another race does the same.

    I don’t know that I have ever seen people on a sitcom eat chitterlings or pickle pig feet. I am just going off real life experiences. I didn’t kn

  97. 97
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:25 pm

    @Joslyn – HAHA!! I calculated the Kinko’s “expenditure” too! LOL!!! And WTF did he need “alphabets” for??? LOL!!

    I hear you @pants and @Classy – and I concur.

    I have two tiny bottles of vodka in my drawer, I kind of think I should drink them now.

  98. 98
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    @pantsonfire: You are upset at people making stereotypical comments then you make some yourself. I guess this is further example of a moral high ground, eh?

    “I mean if she is so ignorant to believe ALL white people eat out of cans, then I woill continue to espoiuse my belief that all black people have 20 oz bottles of malt liquor in a bag close by.”

    So, I guess we combat ignorance with…more ignorance? *scratches head*

  99. 99
    tvaholic
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:44 pm

    susan-I’ve had that chocolate wine & am looking forward to having it again this winter! (Seems like more of a cold-weather drink to me) All I can say is whoever thought to combine red wine & chocolate is a genius-it’s like the adult Peanut Butter Cup!! And Yes ZCheez-but we may need a limo a la Kim to transport al the food & booze!!

    I just noticed the pic at the top of the page-Phaedra drinking her N/A champagne with her pinkie extended. I must apologize for all past comments, as she is obviously a true lady. ;)

  100. 100
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    Okay this is Eee-FUCKING-nough! I work within walking distance of a HUGE-ASS liquor store, I am now buying: Chocolate wine, Bota Box Wine, Black Oak Wine and some 40 ouncers. I will eat some saltines and Spam, followed by a course of mashed ‘taters and Vanilla.

    I hope you’re all happy now! NOm, nom, nom….

  101. 101
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 2:00 pm

    Oh yeah – I hate Teresa! I loathe the Salami’s and I despise Ephedra!

    # 101!

  102. 102
    ohralphie
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    @zombie cheez — just make sure those mashed potatoes come out of a box. And don’t even think about going fancy with butter and herb flavors either!

  103. 103
    marijai
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    I’ll bring the bong… ;-)

  104. 104
    marijai
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    @tvaholic, I must disagree with you on Ephedra (thanks ZCheez!) being a true lady, as she is holding the glass incorrectly. Someone with her caliber of knowedge of manners, etiquette, and social graces should know that one holds the glass by the stem with the pinky extended to drink, thus assuring the heat from one’s body doesn’t warm the champaign.
    LOL :-)

  105. 105
    tvaholic
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    marijai, I stand corrected! (thank gawsh!)

    ohralphie & Zcheez-those instant potatos in the bag-Hungry Jack I think? Are pretty tasty! If I think about it maybe I’ll do something tonight I haven’t done in a long time-drunk posting! Yay! But I think it would be more fun if I swung by marijai’s & ZCheez’s first…

  106. 106
    pantsonfire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    @sarcasatire So, I guess we combat ignorance with…more ignorance? *scratches head*

    Are you sure that‘s what itches?… I am not ignorant- I am simply pointing out that tit for tat doesn’t work- just like your post. It’s more deflection. Either I am a racist, therefore I am not allowed to make a simple statement like the malt liquor- AS AN EXAMPLE, OR here in the real world, I am allowed to laugh at a joke like Cat made about “don’t kiss me- your gay and colored’ just like the joke Jason made about Stacie sneaking into the daughters of the American revolution. If I am correct- miss Pit Bull actually jumped on Cat about wanting to be the token black woman when it was Linda who said “ Cat your our new soul sister- and maybe we will let you be Diana Ross.– Funny I never heard Erika had problem with what Linda said.
    But I digress. I guess I am just fed up to my nipples with all this political correctness. I much rather read all these great posters who can find humor in some of the most racy subjects and comments. I stand by post- my frustration comes from hippo critical people willing to go on national TV with their own brand of racism, yet I cannot comment on why I feel those comments are racist to me without having to justify it- and then listen to why I am wrong- Tired of the circle argument. I am a proud white woman! I am a proud lesbian. I want my son to grow up to be a strong white man. What’s wrong with that? It’s ok for Nene to want it but I can’t? So if you like, let me get the politically correctness out of the way–Uh em…I am a loud mouthed , racist , dyke , prostitution whore, and my son has a fag for a mother is oh- and I’m also a white devil woman that sleeps with Mexicans or something… If your thinking all that, that’s fine- I’ve heard it all before, but I wouldn’t necessarily label you anything other than misinformed, and not bother with you. (not meaning you @sarcasatire, just anyone who has this particular argument) Thoughts?

  107. 107
    marijai
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 4:08 pm

    @tvaholic….of course you are welcome to stop by! I think we should start at my house in Cali and work our way east! :-)

  108. 108
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 4:32 pm

    My head doesn’t itch but it sure does hurt. Sheesh. If anybody needs me I’ll be on the corner drinking malt liquor out of a 40 oz box. With both pinkies extended.

  109. 109
    pantsonfire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Which corner- I’ll meet you there- you can’t miss me- I’ll have a hat on to cover my horns, and a pair of birkenstocks. Are we going halfsies or do I need to pick up my own bottle?

  110. 110
    Ladidadi
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 5:25 pm

    Who let pantsonfire out of the mental hospital? Just jokes. Go ahead tell us why you’re mad

  111. 111
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 6:02 pm

    It looked to me like pantsonfire WAS joking on post #109.

  112. 112
    Ladidadi
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 6:11 pm

    I wasn’t talking about post 109. But I was joking too

  113. 113
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 6:52 pm

    @pantsonfire: I’ll only share if you promise to teach me softball.

  114. 114
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 7:05 pm

    @ladidadi: I got your joke. ;)

    Because I like your references, I’ll need you to supply the cassettes and boom box..and make sure it’s big enough to make Radio Raheem’s jaw drop. LOVE. HATE.

  115. 115
    Ladidadi
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    @sarcasatire count me in. Fight the power

  116. 116
    pantsonfire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    I would actually like the rest, and be allowed into a ‘Sanitoriam’ just long enough to get some good rest, and focus on me! But sadly my med insurance doesn’t cover mental health. Good thing I am just a tad bitchy with a touch of crazy- I would love to teach you softball… but alas the one sterotype that I don’t fit into. I do however have a sweet pickup with naked lady mud flaps. (just kiddin)

  117. 117
    jan
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    omg so funny!
    Ya shouldn’t have had that Chardonnay Big Gulp while zooming down the desert roads in your Euro-trash pimp-mobile then.

    ok back to reading!

  118. 118
    jan
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:12 pm

    Phaedra is a heaping side of ridic, but as for the whole african-americans and french cuisine issue, technically creoles started out in New Orleans and brought their own style of food across the South. Now that got there in the first place from the French, but blacks are know for making it a cuisine of their own. Just an fyi..

  119. 119
    Savannah
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:27 pm

    This recap was so rich with Kim fodder, that I am honestly surprised the topic turned to Phaedra and food…it is more interesting than Kim’s tits and taint (omg, almost choked to death on that one) though.

    First and foremost–@tvholic, drink at whatever time you deem necessary! If it is okay to serve Bloody Marys at breakfast, and for these Housewives to meet in a cafe at noon and down quite a few, I think the ‘time standard’ this country has set for itself is hypocritical. Just have a fucking drink…or three. Let not your heart be troubled whether the time has struck 5 o’clock on the Prime Meridian…social norms were invented so that we could fuck with them.

    Ok, poll: Who would/will be the worse matron: Sheree as a grandmother or Phaedra as a mother? I know it’s hard to choose between blanket denial and sheer idiocy, but humor me and give it a try…

    Ah, speaking of wine, which has been a favorite topic of mine ever since I learned you can be an “oenophile” without registering with the state. Down in Miami, we don’t dare call that shit “boxed wine.” That would be distasteful. It is “cube wine” thankyouverymuch. (And since it is stored on the shelf at Target, you’ve got to be klassy and drop a bunch of ice cubes into your glass before you imbibe).

    I bet I have the best price of cheap wine going: If you are in a CVS in the greater Miami area and feel thirsty, why don’t you go ahead and pick up three bottles of “Oak Creek” chardonnay (or pinot, pick your poison) for $9.99! How do you like them apples??(or grapes, rather)

    @Faye, your Top Chef impression was right on point-so good it was grrreat! As low-class as Phaedra depicts him, brother seems to like his food (is it cool to use that colloquialism as a white person?) Remember the first episode when he was chewing and praying? Then he is devouring fish and eggs…guess that’s what seven years of bread, water and semen will do to a man…welcome to the world of supermodels, you hot piece of ass

    Oh, and Leia, is there any room in your imaginary orphanage for Phaedra’s unborn child? I know you currently have your hand full with the Staub girls and Brentt, but maybe you can move some money around in order to accommodate the future Richard/Parker/Seth/What’d you say; you’re about to get yo’ ass whooped…just sayin. While you’re at it, please make room for Raquel and Alexa, ole’ Whiskey Voice, Tamra’s eldest Ryan, Ashley, Shane Keough, and countless others.

    I didn’t pay too much attention to Phaedra’s comments about the direct relationship between eating junk food, the absence of discipline, and being raised white because I was too busy thinking about some of the nasty combinations y’all have raised: pig’s feet, ox tail, calf hooves, shark eyes, snake urine, and–fuck–tripe. It is a reality though; if you don’t believe me or the other posters, visit a “supermarket” strategically placed in the heart of Little Haiti, Miami. The experience will either cause you to believe in God, or become an avowed atheist…your choice

    Hooray for a fresh new season of Hot(lanta) Messes, an awesome recapper, and people who are here for the fun of it. Watching this show and reading these recaps makes me want to breathe more than Dwight’s left nostril!

  120. 120
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    @jan

    “technically creoles started out in New Orleans and brought their own style of food across the South”

    That isn’t true.

    Robin

  121. 121
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:48 pm

    I would rather have Sheree as a Grandmother over Ephedra as a Mom any day! Sheree wouldn’t want to be seen with me because she is too embarrassed to be a Grandmother so you kinda luck out there..You are never around her..

    But Ephedra as a Mom! There isn’t enough words to describe that shit! She will force you to eat duck liver in between beatings..You will be seen and not heard and that will result in exactly what her parents did to her. She can’t complete a sentance without mucking up the English language because she was never allowed to hear it at home. Anyone remember when she said ” I ain’t got no”.. in the first episode? Ha!

    So, I will go with Sheree.

    Robin

  122. 122
    Pixielated
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:53 pm

    @Jan:

    Louisiana Creole people traditionally are descended from French and Spanish colonial settlers in Lousiana. Before the Civil War, the term was used generally for those of French and Spanish descent whose families were in Louisiana before the purchase. These people are centered in the greater New Orleans area, both city and suburbs. The term was first used to refer to those who were born in the colony, as opposed to colonists born in France. In the 16th century the word Créole was applied to people of only European descent.[2] Later the term was also applied those individuals of mixed heritage born in Louisiana.

    Today,Louisiana Creole generally means a mixed-race person or people of African-American descent, French and/or Spanish, traditionally Catholic, sometimes French or Creole-speaking, with origins in New Orleans.

    (Wikipedia)

  123. 123
    tvaholic
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Holy motherfuckin Ichiban!!! Yay continuation of racism argumnet!! @pantsonfire-you go girl! I’m a straight softball playa, I can teach you the game & introduce you to many awesome lesbians if you wish!

    And savannah-believe me, if I wasn’t responsibel for running the office today, the c=ube would’ve been cracked open as soon as y’ll started talking wine & cheese this mornnig. But I think I made up for that tonight, as I can tell it is very hard to type correctly at the moment. I had no boxed wine tonight, but I did enjoy a surprisingly lovely $6 shiraz, & I usually don;t like those.

  124. 124
    Robin Robinez
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 9:58 pm

    Actually Creole food has many Haitian influences. The word “Creole” is from a Haitian word. Can’t remember right away but it means “family” or something…

  125. 125
    kdfinjpn
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    ZCheez – I thought Apollo’s last name was White . . . . LOL!!!! Plus, I was a little offended because we opened BOXES as well as CANS when I was growing up – lots of variety!!

  126. 126
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    Creole and Haitian foods are similar because they both contain French influences. Creole, the language, is a dialect of French.

    Most of the soul food in America is as old as slavery. The enslaved Africans cooked food for the plaintain owners, using their African influence, the best ingredients, and finest cuts of meat. Whatever was left over, the organs, hooves, ears, etc. was “gifted” to the slaves, which they used to create meals using a bit of creativity to make those things taste good. Generations later, those dishes are still around, still served in many households..and even served in restaurants.

    When I lived in Brazil, in the Afro-Brazilian state, I ate many of the same dishes, collards, black-eyed-peas, tripe, boiled peanuts(!)..leading me to believe that alot of the dishes that exist in the African diaspora (places where African descendants live outside of Africa) were brought to the “New World” by them and preserved over time by the new generations. The common link to many of these places; the South, Creoles from LA, Haitians, Brazilians, Cubans,…are West Africans. However, once the seed has been planted, each cultured developed variations on the dishes and ‘made it their own.’

    @Savannah: I’m gonna have to disagree. When it comes to ethnic supermarkets, I think the ones in Chinatown take the cake! I love going there and looking around..

    Fun fact: Beyonce is creole. Her mom’s maiden name is Beyince, which is French, and because it was dying off in the family, as the women all got married, Tina Knowles decided to give it to her daughter as her first name, changing the spelling to Beyonce, which is how it is pronounced in the former spelling, as well.

  127. 127
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:12 pm

    *slaps forehead*

    Why has it just occurred to me that Phaedra, goddess of light, is from Athens?!

    HA! What are the odds?

  128. 128
    Pixielated
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    There are Creoles in Belize, Sierra Leone, and Mauritius as well who speak a language that is a combination of French and native languages. “Creole,” as a language, refers to any language that combines French, Spanish, or Portuguese and native (colonial) languages, what is sometimes called “pidgin” or “patois.”

    The term “Creole” was also used for a person of European descent born in the West Indies or Latin America, and to a person of African descent born in the Western Hemisphere.

    It comes from the French, which comes from the Spanish “criollo” and Portuguese “crioulo,” referring to a black slave/servant born in the master’s house, coming from the Latin word for create or beget.

  129. 129
    Pixielated
    Posted October 22, 2010 at 11:28 pm

    @Sarcas, I saw a PBS program about food origins that said rice was widely grown on Southern plantations since the slave-owners used the knowledge of their slaves who knew how to raise and cook rice.

  130. 130
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 12:07 am

    @Pixie: I saw that same program! It also said the first Africans (actually indentured servants) brought rice to America, it didn’t exist here before..they smuggled it in by braiding it and other seeds into their hair! The plantation owners (European descendants) didn’t know what it was or how to plant/cultivate the crop, so the africans taught them and then more Africans were soon bought over to work the fields, now as slaves.

    It was a really interesting program. I love public television. Since Cablevision is fighting with someone else this week, I have no Fox, My9, and other channels under the News Corp umbrella. Good thing I’m not a Gleek or I’d be pissed!

  131. 131
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 8:07 am

    Now I don’t want to go spreading negativity because we all kinda fell in love with Apollo this episode, but I thought some may be a bit curious as to the extent of his crimes and how Martha Stewart they were…not.

    Martha Stewart acted on a stock tip, insider trading, but was ultimately arrested for obstruction of justice, lying to protect her contacts. (That’s what Lil Kim was jailed for when she refused to ‘snitch’ on her friend who fired shots outside of a radio station, but I digress)

    Anyway, Apollo did commit a white-collar crime, but it was a bit more..involved. He was part of a 5-man auto theft ring that included stealing cars, selling them with forged VIN numbers and titles, the titles all tracing to one of Apollo’s aliases, William Spearman of Ohio/VA. Apollo was the “numbers” guy who attached the ‘clean’ VINs to the stolen vehicles. The titles were found to be made from a valid master copy owned by a William Spearman in Ohio, however, VA records had a driver’s license made out to Spearman but with Apollo’s picture on it. Ballsy! There were numerous counts of forgery, receipt of stolen property, fraud and apparently, the crime was so heinous that Apollo was sentenced to 18 years!!

    He must’ve been pretty well behaved ‘on the inside’ because he was released after his first parole hearing in 2009. But this wasn’t his first time in prison. Apparently he also served 5 months from 1998-1999 (at 20 yrs old) for ‘theft by receiving stolen goods’, which probably means he’d been at this ‘thing’ for a while. Some have labeled him a career criminal and it is believed he has never held a real job.

    He does have the charisma for these type of crimes..I’m sure he looks good in a suit, and I wouldn’t think twice if he signed over a title to me and gave me a good discount on a used car.

    Then again, I’ve always been a sucker for a pretty face.

    Here’s a link that better explains it:
    http://starcasm.net/archives/62013

    Now for some dirt of Phaedra:
    It seems that not only has she made a career out of defending D-listers, she’s also made a career out of dating them. It appears some of Phaedra’s former suitors are Mannie Fresh (Cash Money Millionaires), rapper Too Short (whom she dated for years but left because he refused to put a ring on it), and former NFL player Chuck Smith.

    So, she began dating Apollo soon after his release, (she says the met back in 1995), most likely she began writing letters to him in prison like those lonely ladies who flirt with death row inmates, and they were married Nov. 1, 2009. Her baby was due in July, 2010, so the math tells me she was 1 month preggo when they tied the knot. I also saw online someone say she was registered at Macy’s! Ms. Versace shoes?

    (I’ll post a few more links on the forums dedicated to this show. I don’t want to flood the recaps with too much..y’all prolly tired of me! :) )

  132. 132
    iloveryder
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 8:08 am

    @sarcasatire, in reference to comment #47, I thought I was the only one who loved Adam Levine as much as I do!! I would take him over fish and grits ANYTIME, lol!

  133. 133
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 8:28 am

    snore…. is the class on Creole 101, and it’s associated culinary applications over yet? Wake me up when the teachers leave the building please… snore.

  134. 134
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 8:31 am

    @iloveryder: Yes, he is my everything!! :D

  135. 135
    ratchet
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 8:46 am

    Right..because it was so much fun wading through 20 posts about wine-in-a-box.

  136. 136
    shantigal
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 9:04 am

    @ratchet-”Right..because it was so much fun wading through 20 posts about wine-in-a-box.”

    It kind of was fun because I now feel superior to all the wine snobs that I cannot relate to knowing that my screw top and bag ‘o wine are the preferred methods of delivery/storage. Plus if you’ve been reading for any length of time you know there is a shitload of wino’s that comment here.

  137. 137
    ratchet
    Posted October 23, 2010 at 9:20 am

    @shantigal: Yes, itchy’s post was informative, I agree. But then it went on and on..and got a little silly. I wasn’t going to complain, I didn’t mind it enough to do so, but then I saw @zombie’s post about being bored by “Creole 101″. I have been reading here for a while now I look forward to the occasional bursts of intelligence almost as much as the omnipresent humor. So, I wouldn’t want things to devolve too much. I like to feel especially superior when I can learn something while aerating my wine, and sniffing it’s “bouquet”, all from the comfort of my leather wingback chair.

  138. 138
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 24, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    Oh snap, Leia! with all the food talk and Apollo dish (pun intended), I forgot to comment on your wonderful recap. So, to show my gratitude, tomorrow is a high party, a baby shower for some friends of mine, and you’re invited! Wear your sunday best, your biggest hat, and get ready for a low brow/high saditty good time!

  139. 139
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 24, 2010 at 11:21 pm

    *gasp* Kim Z., lay off the cigarettes. Close-up shots of you.. eek!http://www.dlisted.com/node/39364/images/101023A2_VAN_ARK_B-GR_02.jpg

  140. 140
    2muchbravo
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 12:03 am

    At the very least she needs to stop wearing flesh colored lipstick!

    OTOH, Joan COllins looked pretty good for her age. Donna Mills looks a little rough, though.

  141. 141
    LAC
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Oh, everyone, Phaedra has been an equestrian since she was 7 years old. Heavens to betsy… jaysus, these Hulu clips are funny…

  142. 142
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 10:06 am

    @LAC: paste a few links for your Gasmii fam, pwetty pwease…

  143. 143
    LAC
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 10:20 am

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/187569/the-real-housewives-of-atlanta-an-uncomfortable-limo-ride?c=Reality-and-Game-Shows#s-p1-sr-i1

    This is one is funny – Dwight, her highness, Cynthia and beau are in a limo together. The other funny one on this site is the “southern” baby shower – You would think this woman was giving birth to Jesus Christ they way they introduce her: “Cheribim, Seraphim, Give it up for MARY, MOTHER OF CHRIST!” WOO HOOOO!!!!

  144. 144
    LAC
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 10:21 am

    http://www.hulu.com/watch/187566/the-real-housewives-of-atlanta-baby-shower-with-a-dress-code?c=Reality-and-Game-Shows#s-p1-sr-i1

  145. 145
    Jason
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 12:10 pm

    Phaedra is what you’d get if you combined the worst of black ghetto trash with the worst of white trailer trash, and wrapped that unfortunate combo in a big, shiny, polyester trash bag. Girl is the worst of both. I guess that makes her perfectly southern. Her man, Apolla (what’s with all these Greek classical names, anyways?), is fine. I want him to do me when he’s extra angry at that fat, lumpy, blob he calls his sugah Mama.

  146. 146
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 25, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    @LAC: OMG, the first vid is amazing! How delusional is Phaedra to say her wedding,to a criminal no less, was attended by governors and senators?!? Waiter, can I send a serving of Bitch, please to table number seven? And then she gets all high saditty, like, “Apollo and I didn’t live together until we were married. My parents were pastors and I was raised blah, blah, blah.” Um, did we not already point out that she was married in 11/09 to a parolee resleased 05/09, and she gave birth EiGHT months later in 07/10? Her lies and hypocrisies are so entertaining. Damn, dis bitch be crazy!

    I haven’t watched the baby shower one yet because it comes on tonight…can’t wait!

  147. 147
    LAC
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 5:59 am

    Sars, darling – tell me watched it? I am lucky that I got to that point because
    I wanted to bitch slap my TV when that heiffa was on. OMG, I even loved Kim at the event – her face and attitude was what I was feeling: “bitch, sit down on your throne, open your presents, and eat some cake.”

    Glad you enjoyed the link…

  148. 148
    LAC
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 6:09 am

    We have a contest here of delusional divas – Sheree and Phaedra. Who will win?

  149. 149
    susanl
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 10:39 am

    I’ll be at the Party with my Choco Wine, Varsity chili dogs, onion rings, and a Frosted Orange. If Phakedra is from Athens she will know about the Varsity. I’m sure it’s really beneath her as you wouldn’t drink a FO with yo pinky stickin’ out.
    And as for those instant potatoes that us white people grew up on, I hope Apollo’s family didn’t use that “fake” butter (see RHWoBH).

  150. 150
    2muchbravo
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 10:54 am

    OMG that shower was TOO MUCH! I think I was just staring blankly at the TV with my mouth hanging open it was so unbelievable. I cannot WAIT until Leia recaps that one!!!!

  151. 151
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 11:05 am

    @ susanl…you have to have a stomach of steel to eat The Varsity after a certain age. “What’ll ya have!!!”

  152. 152
    skatt
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 11:20 am

    2muchbravo: I think Phaedra confused “Baby Shower” and “MTV Presents: My Super-Sweet 16″.

    In her defense, she is stupid.

  153. 153
    LAC
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Skatt! LOL!! I thought she mixed up baby shower for 20th Century Fox presentation of “Cleopatra”

  154. 154
    2muchbravo
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 1:06 pm

    Now that you mention it, I don’t know why she didn’t come in on a sedan chair born (sp) on the broad shoulders of 6 studly men ala Cleo. She could’ve had nymphs skipping around and playing lullabies pan flutes.

    It really did look like Carol Burnett take off on a ridiculous movie scene.

  155. 155
    susanl
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 1:40 pm

    Are you kidding? She’s the size of Texas! She will need way more than 6 studly men carrying her. More like a crane. What was up with those redunkulous eyes?????
    And yes, Classy Drunk, I have the stomach it takes for the *greasy V* food! GOOD FOOD!

  156. 156
    skatt
    Posted October 26, 2010 at 3:11 pm

    I have to watch it again. It’s like the “White House Dinner” Episode of D.C. There’s so much nonsense going on you want to Zapruder it (hiyo!! Tvaholic) frame by frame.

    She impressed KIM with her tackiness. Let that marinate.

  157. 157
    pantsonfire
    Posted October 27, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    Did anyone else notice what a stick person with wrinkles down to her ankles Kims Mother is? Good god- she looks Anorexic (sp)or hopefully not ill with MS or some other horrible disease.

  158. 158
    Jeanine Schaefer
    Posted October 27, 2010 at 10:25 pm

    @skatt… I was thinking the exact same thing about Kim being in awe of all of Phaedra’s me,me,me-ness. When KIM has her jaw dropped and talking about how out of control over the top you are, you have fucking problems. That “baby shower” was the craziest shit I have ever seen.

  159. 159
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted October 27, 2010 at 11:57 pm

    Kim..wigless!
    http://www.dlisted.com/node/39406

  160. 160
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 12:19 am

    @skatt – I know, I watched it again tonight and it was even more hilarious the second time – those rosebuds in her hair were hysterical – they were jammed in there willy-nilly with no rhyme nor reason! She looked like a black-velvet painting version of the Statue of Liberty, with a side of fertility idol thrown in. The lumbering ballerinas were the icing on the cake – those weren’t feathers they were tossing – they were little pieces of their souls.

    I loved that Kim showed up in a BLACK pantsuit, sans hat. Late. I might even be starting to like her for pulling that stunt – plus she gets added points for boozing it up at a baby shower while Phaedra’s disapproving barb about needing a watch flew right over head.

    Dwight is crazy and weird.

  161. 161
    Jeanine Schaefer
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 1:25 am

    @ZCheez…I think I’m starting to LOVE Kim for that stunt! That baby shower was a display of fuckery, the likes of which I have never seen. I just can’t get over the fact that anybody agreed to any part of that. If I were a friend of hers (although I can’t imagine she has many) Southern belle or not, I would ask her if she was seriously out of her fucking mind.

    Register at Babies R Us and call it a day. Jesus!

  162. 162
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 7:35 am

    LOL!!! I feel so sorry for that baby – you know she’s going to deck it out in a bunch of over-the-top, tacky shit that will probably be as uncomfortable as hell. If she hires Dwight as the nanny, they might as well just add a full-time psychologist to the staff because the kid will definitely need one. Hey, maybe Sheree’s googly-eyed Luv Poet, Professional Masseuse, Hair Model, Dancer and Sex Therapist; Dr. Tiy-E can do it – after Phaedra gets him off on probation for all the fraud he commits!

    Oh – I read someplace that Cynthia’s boyfriend’s place The Uptown Supperclub is either on the verge of, or has gone out of business recently…

  163. 163
    susanl
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Little Miss Thang keeps saying how “southern manner” she is but no self-respecting southerner would EVER tell someone how to dress for a BABY SHOWER. I hope all her “friends” see the show and see what a rude butt she is, especially when she was talking about how everyone wanted to come back and talk to her when she was trying to make her broadway production entrance. I would be seriously peeved at hearing someone talk about me on TV that way. As Stacie would say “she was straight up rude”.

  164. 164
    susanl
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    I did love that Kim showed up late, casual, and without a hat. I would have done that too just to piss her highness off.

  165. 165
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    @ Z cheez, I believe someone posted a link to something regarding the place closing down.

    I’d been there a few times before. Nothing to go and run home about. It used to be the place to be when it first opened then the buzz died down and there was a new place for everyone to go.

    I know KDog lives in Atlanta…had you ever been to uptown?

  166. 166
    Zombie Cheez
    Posted October 28, 2010 at 2:02 pm

    Well it’s too bad at any rate – he seemed like a nice guy. His facial expressions in The Limo of Delusions of Grandeur were priceless, and watching him walk Phaedra through the Preakness Event were even funnier, because you know he just wanted to plant her chunky ass right in the dirt. LOL.

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