RHOA: Don’t Screw Me, They’re Diamonds

More sex talk with the Housewives.

Dear Gasmii–

Hi, it’s Leia! Don’t you hate it when you’re house/dog-sitting for a major Broadway playwright/producer and discover an artfully fanned selection of early 70′s Playboy magazines in the conversation pit of their exquisitely decorated mid-century Hollywood showplace and one of them features your naked mom in it? As if I don’t already have enough body issues, being an ex-teen model and all. The only consolations were A) the owners are gay so probably haven’t masturbated to this particular issue and B) it was the day after Thanksgiving so I was then able to buy an all-natural apple pie at Whole Foods for 50% off and then eat the entire thing while watching Se7en on Blu-Ray. If you’re going to buy one Gwyneth Paltrow movie it might as well be the one where– SPOILER ALERT she ends up beheaded.

And yes, I do read all your Comments– or rather have Flipit read them to me on the phone, assuming different particular character voices for each Gasmi. I do the same for him! It takes the edge off the torture of waiting for Howard Stern to re-sign with Sirius Satellite Radio.

While I’m waiting for this mud-mask to harden, let’s talk about that “Never Before Seen” America’s Next Top Model filler special they ran instead of the season finale last week. When the finalists moved into their apartment in Venice, Italy, their celebratory champagne guzzling on the terrazzo was interrupted when Prince-lookalike Liz got splattered with pigeon-poop. If you were watching this on a 60-inch plasma like me, you were stunned to see the offending guano on her arm was pixillated by the network censors! Apparently any depiction of shit is absolutely forbidden by The CW. Which seems odd considering they’ve been running 90210 unpixillated for over two years now.

TAGS. NeNe, Sheree & Kim drop by Kandi‘s boutique after-hours to appear on her sex-adivce podcast Kandi-Koated Nights. Kandi tells us she wanted to up the production values and promote her store at the same time. First Kandi kongratulates NeNe for landing a new “entertainment segment” on the local NBC news program 11 Alive. For the occasion, NeNe’s sporting an insane black leather Tina Turner Thunderdome creation perfect for a post-apocalyptic motorcycle trip or a quiet evening disciplining one’s sex slaves. The usually well-behaved Kandi seems to get super-sassy as soon as she gets in front of a webcam, revealing that she assumed NeNe would be “butt-wild in the bedroom because she has an over-the-top personality”. But NeNe instead confessed she was “really boring” in the kip: “All I do is receive!” Kandi mimics.

NeNe primly declares she doesn’t discuss her sex life, but Kandi plows ahead, asking the gang if they “spicy up” things by “experimenting”. Kandi volunteers a penchant for “different positions every day” just as Cynthia enters, chic as always and a real delight despite her ultra-dull pre-marital jitters RE: elderly fiance Peter. Cyn interviews that her sex life “could use some tips”. Here’s one: kick Grampa to the kurb and buddy-fuck your super-sexy ex Leon from Oz and the “Like A Prayer” video. If I had a nickel for every time I’d pleasured myself to that in 1990 alone I’d never have to work again.

“I thought ‘Dirty Sanchez’ played for the Braves!”

Kandi keeps things rolling by asking the girls to assign themselves a “Freak Number” between 1 and 10. “Where would you rate yourselves?” NeNe guesses Sheree’s would be “10 and a half”. “I’ve tried a couple things,” Sheree admits. “Have you ever peed on anyone?” Kandi asks, to everyone’s horror. “You peein on folks?!” NeNe shrieks. Kim interviews that if her keeper Pig Boppa “ever tried to pee on me, so help me Jesus, he wouldn’t have a pipi to pee out of!” And here I thought the wigs of the Kim Zolciak Collection were machine washable. Sheree coolly rates herself “9 and a half”.

What about Kim? “I like talkin dirty but all this sh*t kinda trips me out!” Wiggy squawks. “Y’all sound like a buncha old ladies that don’t wanna try nuthin new!” Kandi admonishes. “I got that fire!” she yells. Kim tells us Kandi’s “obsessed with talkin about sex– maybe it’s because she’s celibate. If she’d just go and get laid, maybe she’d stop talkin about it so much!” Kandi insists that it’s perfectly healthy to want to “try new things”, and I totally agree. But I personally draw the line at golden showers. Urine is not sexy, is it??! The sole exception is that scene in Oz where Chris Meloni shockingly whizzes on-camera. That shit is hot. Kim konfesses to using sex toys with Pig Boppa– for his sake, I hope they include a ball-gag. What about “anal?” Kandi probes. Kim’s down for that, too! Receiving, presumably, but her boyfriend’s Middle Eastern AND works in real estate, so who knows? Kandi thinks Kim’s “a 7″.

“Anal is disgusting!” NeNe shouts. SHE thinks Kim deserves “a 12″. LOL. NeNe starts channeling Phaedra, telling us “I was raised in the South– we don’t talk about things like that openly.” Obviously she’s unfamiliar with Bubba the Love Sponge. Or the city of Tampa. NeNe finally admits to “giving oral”, as Kandi puts it. “I will,” NeNe says. She gets a 3. Kim tells us NeNe’s probably “a 43″ but is putting up a prudish front. Poor Cynthia labels herself “a 6″– she lacks experience but is “open” to things. The show’s almost over but Kandi has arranged a special treat for the gals: a stripper named Mr Luscious. And honey, he IS! Rippling ebony muscles, copious tatts, and what looks like a baby python throbbing in his sheer man-panties. The women squeal with excitement as he sinuously gyrates and whips off his jaguar-spotted breakaway clothing.

Careful, sir. This one doesn’t get wet– she leaks freon.

Sheree is of course too uptight to dance with Mr Luscious, so he throws her back, peels down his briefs and… “Mr Luscious was wearing nothing more than a sock on his penis,” Cynthia tremblingly interviews. “And then he started to take it off!” We actually get a two-second optically fogged peek at the massive man-meat in question: “He kept pullin and pullin and pullin,” NeNe tells us, “and it popped out!” Hysterical screaming. “It was humongous!” NeNe reports. The special treat ends before one of them can slip her phone number under his foreskin. What?! I keep a bunch of old Chinese restaurant cookie-fortunes in my purse for this exact purpose. A girl’s gotta be prepared.

A Legendary Event Design & Catering. Cynthia arrives with jolly stylist Kithe Brewster and widow-maker-to-be Peter for a meeting with “Celebrity Event Planner” Tony Conway. Tony’s qualifications, besides ill-advised blonde highlights, include Toni Braxton‘s wedding and the opening of Tyler Perry‘s studio, aka Ground Zero for African-American hackery. Tony gives them a tour of his facility– first stop, “where all the floral magic takes place”. I love anyone who uses the term “floral magic” in casual conversation. If Cynthia’s going to marry a boring old fart, she’s damn well going to have the top wedding planner in the ATL! Cyn’s Top Gay, Kithe, is there to negotiate the baffling maze of “mercury glass”, hand-painted orchids and sculpted-ice urinal cakes.

Kithe, shielding his fabulousness behind Lagerfeld shades, lisps that Cynthia’s been waiting for this “for 15 years”. Way to make a sistah sound desperate, girl! Cynthia has total faith in Kithe and tells us she’d wear “an orange dress and a yellow hat” if he told her to do it. He’ll be collaborating with Miss Conway to make sure every detail’s perfect. You know a RH storyline’s weak when you’re counting on a couple of chunky clashing queens to whip up some drama.

I’ve heard of the Gay Mafia but this is ridonkulous.

Tony asks Cynthia what her “vision” is and she immediately defers to Kithe to explain it. Here we go. Kithe makes Dwight sound like Fitty Cent. In a low, lobotomized tone, K starts with these exact words: “I’m always very precise about what really offends me or doesn’t.” Um, I thought you were here to discuss a wedding, not my TVgasm blog. “My entire job is about my level of styling,” he continues, every syllable helpfully subtitled, which is appropriate because the shit coming out of his mouth sounds like a Japanese-to-English translation on some crazed Tokyo fashion designer’s website. “And people trust their entire careers to my decisions.” Tony looks like he wants to try a NEW career. Right fucking now.

It’s going to be an evening affair, so “obviously” it’ll be “candle-lit”. Kithe wants to mix modern and “antique”, like Zsa Zsa Gabor‘s 80′s exercise video. “We’ve chosen two colors: silver and chocolate.” Every girl’s fantasy– a brown wedding! I’m picturing The Wiz, only with cake. “I’ve seen a lot of chocolate in Southern Italy for weddings recently,” Kithe purrs. And so has his digestive tract, apparently. They’ve “chosen” a space called Fernbank and “there’s some incredible performances that are happening, there’s a gospel choir, we have the male dancer from Alvin Ailey“– maybe it’s the black guy from Showgirls who told menstruating Nomi Malone “I got towels!”. At this point, Peter starts texting, possibly arranging for a straight friend to pull up in a getaway car for him.

There will be “element after element after element”, Kithe promises. Hey– did this guy do Phaedra’s baby shower? Peter looks up to assure Tony that anything his wife and her gay come up with, he’s going to “roll with it”. Nothing’s too good or too gay for his future widow! Tony promises to keep it “around a million dollars”, which is just what Kithe has in mind. Excuse me while I go throw up an apple pie. Seriously– in Atlanta alone, thousands of children are going hungry, people are dying because they can’t afford medical care and she’s spending A MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS on a party?!?! You know if he’s still alive they’ll be divorced in eight years. Shame on you, Gramps & Cynthia. Shame shame shame!

You want the wedding to be beautiful, buddy? Then make sure YOU wear a veil, too.

Law offices. By sheer coincidence, it’s time for NeNe to get divorced! Bravo segment producer Her good dear best friend Diana escorts NeNe to meet with the divorce lawyer who helped Di with her own “situation”, which we know and care nothing about. NeNe says that soon-to-be-ex-husband Gregg has ceased all communication with her, which I guess means he doesn’t say hello to NeNe on his way from the fridge to the basement. Enter gnome-like attorney Randy Kessler, who just needs a pointy hat to be ready for garden duty.

He takes her into his office for a brain-numbing chat about ending her marriage. NeNe tells us she’d like to do this “privately” and doesn’t want “people gossiping” about it– so of course inviting reality show cameras into her legal meetings is the natural thing to do. NeNe wants to take the time to decide exactly how she’s going to handle repairing or terminating her broken relationship. Get back to us when you actually have something worth gossiping about. You’re wasting valuable episode time when we could be watching Phaedra go post-partum psychotic!

Parking lot. Kim pulls up in the convertible white Bentley, whiskey-voiced lyricist/Lolita Brielle, 13, at her side and they have this conversation– K: Are you sure you wanna do this, because I’m gonna hold you to it. B: Mom, I trust me. I just saw a video in health class on STD’s, HIV, AIDS, everything. No, no, I want this. Hmmm, Gasmii! What’s about to happen here? A general meeting with R Kelly? Or is Brielle entering a convent? No, not that, since she’s now negotiating with Kim about what age to pop her cherry. Brielle wants 18 and Kim would prefer 20, but she’d settle for 19. Come on… we know it’s going to be 14, and as my good dear best friend Taylor Dayne put it best, “you can’t fight fate.”

“Do as I say, not as I dress.”

What we MUST fight is nausea– turns out Kim’s buying the teen “a promise ring”. “2 carats if it’s 20,” Kim offers. No, 18 it is. A wise choice because those exclusive contracts with VCA and Vivid and Wicked Pictures might be too juicy for Brielle to resist. Promise rings are a sickening example of what happens when morality meets materialism, and besides, they often get lost when you end up having to fist the only guys at school who’ll date a virgin– namely gays. Kim laments the fact that “Nana and Poppy” never bought her a promise ring. My stomach laments the fact that her dad is named Poppy and her boyfriend’s named Poppa. Brielle sassily points out that if they had, B wouldn’t be here.

Kim interviews that she was “floored” by Brielle’s request for “an abstinence ring”, “especially since I know what her friends are doin!” The irony is especially rich when we see Kim walk into Guven’s Fine Jewelry with her tits totally hanging out the sides of her purple sunsuit. “Hi, love!” Kim trills (cue those Michaele Salahi douche-chills) to hunky muscular Jeweler-to-the-Slags Chris Guven. Kim WOULD have the hottest gem merchant in the state. I wonder if he can dance, because he’d make a great outcall partner for Mr Luscious. And what are we looking for today? “An abstinence ring!” Brielle pertly replies. “An abstinence ring?” Chris asks, raising his eyebrows with his voice if not his face, which you can’t blame him for since he’s used to showering her busty mom with obscenely expensive trinkets courtesy of her married lover.

“I want it to be so tight we’re gonna have to cut it off of her finger,” Kim says, referring presumably to the ring and not Brielle’s closed-for-business cooch. Brielle checks out a tray of ice, telling Chris “I’m more of a big-diamond person.” OMFG, you’re an eighth grader who gets free stolen songwriting royalties, not Liz Taylor. “Shoot me, please, she’s got her mother’s taste,” Kim cracks, not the safest thing to say in an establishment that has firearms below the counter. Kim tells us she had Brielle “at 19 years old” and her daughter knows all too well the “sacrifices” Kim has had to make and the non-abstinence she’s had to practice to afford the girls the obnoxious lifestyle they enjoy.

Another way to encourage your teenage daughter’s abstinence? Buy her purity ring from a less fuckable jeweler.

“It has to be so fantastic it makes her keep her legs closed,” Kim remarks. Pricetag for the “simple pretty ring”? $3K. I’m sure Kim can recoup by auctioning off Brielle’s virginity online come the big one-eight. As they wait for Diamond Stud to size it, Kim has a heart-to-heart over the jewelry case, asking Brielle what she’d do if she was “peer-pressured” into breaking up with a guy who wanted to punch her ticket. Brielle would “slap him” and send him on his way. Good answer, Ashley Holmes Laurita! Maybe rip his toupee off for good measure. Then threaten to tell his wife.

Kim says Brielle has a boyfriend now and they’ve already kissed, so this bribe beautiful expression of purity couldn’t come at a better time. Her tween sister, Ariana, unfortunately “came out of the womb looking for a man.” Yeah, the ice-cream man. Kim considers buying the chubby tween “a ring now”, but there’s still a chance A got the lesbo gene so let’s not be hasty. And there’s always female circumcision, which could be conveniently scheduled when Kim performs her hit single “Tardy for the Party” in Dubai. “Thanks, love!” Kim Salahis as they exit the store still bickering about how long Brielle will remain intact. Hilarious!

Recording studio. Kandi arrives and greets superstar producer Focus and attractive engineers Selasi and Blue. She has an update regarding their bewigged prodigy. “I saw Kim and she pulled me to the side to tell me she wasn’t really FEELING the idea… I don’t give a damn what she said, the track is hot,” Kandi declares, referring to the new song “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing” she composed per Kim and Jimmy Kimmel‘s orders. Kandi relates Kim’s insane nonspecific inarticulate garbage about not liking “the beginning” of the song. Blue says clearly Kim is afraid of the song, which she might actually be required to SING. They lament Kim’s pop-diva ego, which only exists because Kandi worked so hard to make “Tardy” sound a certain way.

“Yeah? Try lookin at her in the morning before she puts her wig on.”

Selasi says they “need to work within her vocal capabilities”, a mighty tight space. Kandi agrees they can “drop the key”– “it’s really gonna be more of a chant”. “Talking-singing… like rap”. With all the personality and N-words removed. I hope. Although that would certainly make things more interesting for Kim around Atlanta. Kandi lays down a much simpler, talkier version of the song, which I’m still not sure Kim will like or be able to pull off. “We’re dumbing it down,” Focus says, prompting Selasi to suggest they tell Kim to fuck off and give the record to a real singer. Kandi tells us that’s her new plan.

SUV. Apollo is chauffered home with his whining, helpless infant. And the baby, who is at the moment quiet and well-behaved. Apollo says he’s “so glad to be out of Augusta” but Phaedra’s not: “I was enjoyin MAHself.” “I bet you were,” Apollo snips. “‘Give me this, get me that.’” Phae, sounding a little zonked out on opioids and/or benzos, marvels at the “impeccable” “service” she received at the hospital, especially the “bathin me” part. Then she tells us “the day after I had the baby my blood-pressure SKAH-rocketed.” It’s stressful having to explain to one’s Jesus-freak mother ogre that one’s a naughty slut. Not to mention looking at the next 18 years of forced babysitting. So she had to “spend a whole extra week in the hospital recovering. It was terrible.” Um, she just said she loved it! And you KNOW she was eating up all the attention and freedom from child-care this spa retreat afforded her.

“And now we got this little baby,” she says to Apollo, making it sound like an MS diagnosis. She stares at the crochet-swaddled bundle of joy then actually emits a little groan. Wow. “Before this I was fancy-free and footloose, runnin around town shoppin and doin, you know, whatever I wanted to do and NOW I’m sorta chained to this baby…[makes infantile whining noise]… we’ll see how this turns out.” With Apollo rich off your child-support and at The White Party 2012, that’s how.

“Ssshhh! The Situation’s on Regis & Kelly!”

They arrive at their tract mansion and Apollo carries Phae up the stairs to the bedroom, where she’ll be setting up shop. “Since I had the C-section and I’ve had some issues with my incision,” Phae explains, “Apollo is going to have to carry me around and make sure that he handles the baby primarily because I’m not allowed to lift him just yet.” Lucky you! How many clients did you have to promise to send OB/GYN Dr Lue in order to secure those doctor’s orders? Apollo fetches the tot from the chauffeur’s care and Phae settles into a recliner and immediately starts bitching at him. When the baby starts trying to nurse from Apollo’s admittedly generous chest, he hands him over to Phae, who dismisses Apollo’s worry that the baby seems too warm in his “winter clothes”. “Babies are colder than regular people,” Phae instructs him. That’s funny because so is his mother. Phae is more concerned with bragging about the kid’s Felicia Dietrich ensemble: “She has crocheted for Oprah so this is VERY special.” OMFG, Gasmii.

“You KNOW my baby has got to be the flyest baby in town,” Phae boasts via interview. The baby is hungry or appalled or both and starts crying for the nipple, so Phae barks orders at Apollo, who grabs a handy nursing apron (I don’t know who designed that) as Phae reluctantly becomes a human milk dispenser. She reveals the baby’s name: Ayden Adonis Nida. “Ayden means fiery one and Adonis means beautiful male.” OK, bad, but it could have been worse.

At least she didn’t go with Adonis as the first name. It’s enough pressure to have it anywhere on one’s birth certificate. Apollo lucked out and grew up super-hot and god-like, but this kid is half-Phaedra, so it could end up being a cruel joke. Imagine you’re phugly and the other kids at school get wind that your middle name is fucking “Adonis”. Apollo says he’s going to refer to the baby primarily as Adonis– “I like it, I chose it.” Come to think of it, The Adonis was also the name of a gay porn theatre across the street from my NYC teen modeling agent’s office. I’m sure that’s just a coincidence.

“Yes, her milk is as nasty, spoiled and bitter as she is.”

Phaedra interviews that she’s always hearing how “rewarding” being a parent is, but right now the only thing she’s getting back from it is the satisfaction of having “created” another person. “Cuz he doesn’t do anything.” That poor, poor kid. And is “Aidan” usually spelled with a Y? Just checking…

Kim’s townhouse. Kim offers Ariana “a chip”. “I’m too fat to eat it,” the pudgy tween mopes. “No, you’re not,” Kim and Brielle quickly assure her. On a serious note, Ariana’s unfortunate extra pounds are a direct result of the lousy, fast-food-diet that kitchen-phobic Kim has been subjecting her kids to from Day One of this show. The only time we’ve seen anything remotely healthy enter their faces was during the dinner with the grandparents earlier this season. Ariana may very well blossom into a well-adjusted, physically fit young woman, be she skinny, zaftig or somewhere in between, but a steady childhood diet of junk from McDonald’s and Nabisco can also pave the way to Pastor Reginaville. And nobody wants to live there, especially because you’re only allowed to fuck your husband.

Ariana accuses Brielle of “always calling” her “fat”, which B denies. Kim tells us that SHE was a chubby tot and “now I’m thinner than half of my friends!” That’s one way to put it. Kim also reveals that in the spirit of letting them “enjoy life”, she encourages her girls to eat whatever they want. Smart! Calories aside, drive-thru meals and processed junk foods are packed with sodium, trans fats and organ-rotting chemicals. But are we really surprised? Kim chain-smokes and consumes more wine on a weekly basis than the entire island of Sicily. And here comes NeNe with a bottle of champers!

“I’m not gonna have sex till my boyfriend’s married, just like yours, Mommy!”

Kim says it’s the girls’ bedtime, but Brielle has something to show NeNe. And it’s not her cleavage, which NeNe immediately notices peeking out of B’s pink tank-top. “I cannot believe you have little boobies!” NeNe squeals, actually honking them. When NeNe hears that Brielle got an abstinence ring, whooping occurs. NeNe confesses that she was 19 when she lost her virginity, “a freshman in college”. Ariana amusingly mimics NeNe’s sassy stance, clearly wishing for her own whopping set of ta-ta’s. As Kim cracks open the bubbly, NeNe declares Brielle’s purity pledge “a good thing”. But Brielle needs to be “committed in the heart”. Does she have a boyfriend? “Yeah.” Ariana says she’s got one, too. He lives in a tree and works for Keebler. OMG, I am terrible.

Kim jokingly (?) offers to swap NeNe’s kids for her own. NeNe interviews that “you have to lead by example, eck-specially when you have daughters.” Boy do I hate it when people say eck-specially. Do they not hear how 95% of the population says this word? Do they think WE are the ones mangling it? NeNe better hammer the grammar before her local TV affiliate debut, because I’m sure Tyler Perry and Ludacris won’t put up with it. NeNe elaborates, reminding us that “Kim’s done a lot and she’s said a lot in front of her daughters, so… the jury’s still out” on whether the Zolciettes will end up as ho’s.

The small fry vanish to their sprawling bedrooms, leaving Kim & NeNe alone to dish. How does Kim feel about Kandi-Koated Nights? “Girl, let me just tell you, it makes me very uncomfortable,” Wiggy says. “Some of the things she talks about are hard for me to swallow,” Kim adds with a straight, Botoxed face. NeNe agrees, she would NEVER discuss such things, even alone with her future ex-BFF Kim. “That’s girl talk,” Kim says, puffing on a ciggy, completely missing the point of the fucking show. Kim tells us “that’s my private life” and she has no desire to podcast it on the internet for “tens of thousands of people”. She’s very demure, our Kim. She also has access to the strongest zipper-metals in fashion if the wet-suit cleavage-popper she’s always sporting in these interview segments is any indication.

“Hey NeNe… can I get your left tit some champagne?”

The scene grinds to a halt when Kim asks how NeNe and Gregg are doing. “So-so,” NeNe says, refilling her booze goblet. She tells Kim she’s left Gregg “a million times” and agrees that he’s her “best friend”, so she hopes they can remain pals after the split. I somehow don’t see that happening. Especially with Dwight flitting around sprinkling poison in everyone’s ears. NeNe interviews that “I told Gregg that I filed and we had a huge argument… now we’re not speaking to each other.” Um, where’s THAT footage? We seriously had to listen to Cynthia plan her wedding while that was going on across town? Please.

Kim keeps feeding NeNe the questions furnished her by the producers: Can NeNe imagine herself with someone else? “Absolutely, darling,” NeNe campily sighs. And his name is Mr Luscious. Actually she seems to have a hard-on for Grampa Peter and would be doing Cyn an enormous favor to steal his withered ass right out from under her. Kim naturally turns the convo to her and Pig Boppa, which annoys NeNe, who interviews that she had no choice but to keep guzzling wine and listen to “Kim talk about Kim”. The pals agree that PB should definitely get a divorce– what if Kim gave the zillionaire sleazebag an ultimatum and told him she wanted to marry him and have his baby?

Well, turns out that Kim JUST had that particular chat with PB. She totally wants more children, which causes NeNe to shudder, ostensibly at the agony of childbirth but more likely at the concept of Kim trying to breastfeed. “Ooooh, it sound like pain, girl!” NeNe grimaces. “I wouldn’t push out nuthin for nobody.” Amen to that, honey. I personally have all the maternal instincts of a dimetrodon. Kim keeps this excruciating confab going by asking what if NeNe met “the love of your life” and decided to have another kid. “That’s not gonna happen,” NeNe promises. She could meet the hottest, richest mofo on the planet and “we would not have a baby.” Brava. Not Kim, though. She loves motherhood, and even though Pig Boppa is clearly her soulmate, time’s running out on his “bullsh*t” excuses about why he can’t divorce Mrs Boppa.

“Girl, I need to get me a new career!”

“I could be a scuba diver…”

“Or work with deaf people…”

“Or be a psychic medium.”

“Am I getting a mustache?”

“God, I hate you.”

It’s just now occurring to me that all this torture is leading to Kim getting knocked up by Kroy Biermann, the football player with the perfect ass from Sheree’s dance recital. NeNe can’t believe Kim is actually snubbing her sugar-boppa and “dating” someone else. But I am, Kim says, stubbing her Vagina Slim out. She interviews that “it’s been 4-plus years” and she’s “ready for a normal relationship”: “I don’t wanna sit here and call someone Pig Boppa anymore.” OMG, can it really be true??! Kim’s awake and she’s smelling Sanka. But there’s still a hint of tuna in the air, as Wiggy recounts her whirlwind fuzz-bumpage with superstar lesbian DJ Tracy Young. You see, PB left Kim “so depleted”, she was like the Palm Springs desert before a whorrential sapphic rain. Bored, NeNe challenges Kim: “I don’t think that you like her or you guys really had a relationship.” Kim, reversing herself on the whole peccadillo-publicizing thing, offers to show NeNe “pictures”.

“I can take pitchas with a whole buncha bitchaz,” NeNe replies, unwittingly providing Kandi with some bomb-azz lyrics. Kim keeps blabbing about the “emotional connection” that led to “that one night” of clit-lickin’ bliss, prompting NeNe to call bullshit yet again: “One night? Cuz if it was good once, I know you went back twice, girl!” So how many times DIDTracy send Kim to Lady Heaven? With NeNe demanding details, Kim suddenly becomes shy and giggly, girlishly hiding behind her wig and primly replying “A woman knows what a woman likes.” So does my florist, and I’m not about to fuck him.

Kim trots out another nugget from The Meredith Baxter Book of Lifetime-TV Latent Lesbianism, insisting to us that “love has no gender”, so she doesn’t know what the future holds. Well, I do– spreading it for an NFL barebacker!

“Alright! So I’m preachin abstinence and presently I’m knocked up outta wedlock. I know what IRONY is… I’m a licensed nurse!”

A Legendary Event. Cynthia, sister Malorie, Gramps and Lady Miss Kithe (typing that name causes douche-chills– try it yourself next time you have a hot flash) attend a Wedding Menu Tasting with Tony Conway. Cynthia’s a former model and as such has been conditioned to receive no pleasure from food, so what does she care? For that matter, what do any of us care? Smoked corn cake blah blah tomato jam blah blah blah grilled watermelon blah blah blahbitty smoked tenderloin blah. Peter suddenly comes to life to inject a little ghetto into the foofy environs by declaring: “I don’t have absolutely no questions. You guys’ food is CRAZY!” And please, Aunt Esther, don’t act up at Lamont‘s big dinner tonight.

Kim’s parents’ house. Kim, Brielle & Ariana arrive with bakery boxes at the possibly Boppa-purchased stately brick home with hideola French Provincial decor. I am SO praying one of those boxes contains a purity cake to celebrate Brielle’s enduring maidenhead. Kim’s crypt-keeper mom Karen & retired 70′s porn star dad Joe greet the gals and go ga-ga over Brielle’s abstinence ring, which is beyond creepy, even for me, and I love Todd Solondz. Kim is starving and can’t wait for their other dinner guest, Kandi, who immediately pulls up in her Mercedes, with daughter Riley, mom Joyce and aunt Bertha. Kim tells us she’s been wanting to introduce Kandi’s family to her own parents for ages now so let’s see what happens. Ideally, Joyce would rip Kim a new one about hogging the “Tardy” royalties and dissing the new song, and Riley would ask if Brielle’s purity pledge also covered anal.

Joyce starts things off by presenting Krypty Karen with her famous “Better-Than-Sex” cake, so it looks like Ariana’s diet will have to start tomorrow. Then Kim maniacally informs Kandi that “NeNe must have pissed” Gregg “off last night” because he went on the radio and said something horrible, which Kim of course has cued up on her iPad. Since she’s all about propriety all of a sudden, Kim sends the children out of the room before playing Kandi the clip from “Large FM”. Who the hell listens to terrestrial radio anymore? It lost all relevance when Howard Stern went to Sirius. (Note to my darling Howard: Stop beating yourself up about the Jay-Z interview! You tried your best but he’s a narcissistic fuck-nut with messianic tendencies and no sense of humor! Love ya, LLB).

“Ya know who used ta have a ring just like that?” Joe marvels. “Seka! But hers was for somethin else.”

Where were we? Oh, yes. Gregg. And it turns out it’s on internet radio, which I’m sure is the wave of the future but right now no one cares. But I’m being paid a pretty penny to tell you these things so here it is: Gregg calls some mp3-J named Cory and tells him he and NeNe are “working toward” a divorce. Cory shows a real flair for what he’s doing by admonishing Gregg that this is his “personal business” and he doesn’t need to share it.

Core Fitness. Suddenly we cut to “Sheree’s Gym”, where Her Ladyship is gossiping with aspiring transvestite pop star/hairdresser Flawrence, who’s taken a break from his man-boob-firming to tell Sheree he heard “on the radio” that NeNe and Gregg are Splitsville.

Kim’s parents’ house. Kandi & Kim listen breathlessly as Gregg rants: “Fool, I spent $300K out of my own money to make sure she jumped off in Georgia. And she went and blew up. Then the fame got to her head. That’s where the problem came.” Kandi interviews surprise at Gregg’s loose lips.

“Do you have ANY bones in your wrist?”

Core Fitness. Flawrence explains things to dim-bulb Sheree: Gregg “invested” the $300K to make NeNe “a mega-socialite“. Sheree interviews bewilderment about the term “invested”, which she finds odd since Gregg was/is NeNe’s husband and what’s his is hers and vice-versa. Of course never-made-a-dime Sheree just finished taking HER once-highly paid ex to the cleaners so her views on entitlement are slightly skewed.

Kim’s parents’ house. Gregg continues his diatribe: NeNe has started to think “damn, I AM large. I don’t need nobody. If I do need somebody, I need a millionaire.” But NeNe would be “nothing” without Gregg’s $300K “investment” and he wants those Washingtons back!

Core Fitness. Sheree tells Flawrence this quasi-public mud-slinging doesn’t sound like something Gregg would do.

“Just so you know, Kim. I’m keeping your iPad.”

Kim’s parents’ house/Core Fitness. Kandi and Flawrence say no way did Gregg know he was being recorded. Now I’m confused. Was it an interview or not??! And why is an internet radio station calling itself “FM”?! Flawrence says he always thought Gregg was “sweet” and Sheree interviews that as a Top Divorcee herself, she shares NeNe’s pain. Kandi tells us she’d held hope that the Leakeses would be able to reconcile, but after this, they’re fucked. Then for some reason, we get several minutes of Flaw and Sheree’s kickboxing lesson with foxy trainer Corey. Um, NeNe’s marriage has just been sort of publicly shredded and we’re staying on Flaw cracking jokes about heels and blow-drying?! And Phaedra is probably trying to shake little Artichoke Agrippa loose from her titty at this very second. RHOA Supervising Story Editors, I rebuke thee!

Corey fucks off to have a PowerCrunch or text Flaw his digits or something, and F grills Sheree about “the doctor”, allegedly fraudulent Ph Douche Tiy-E Muhammad. FLASHBACKS confirm Tiy was “defensive” and evasive during Sheree’s card party last episode. Tiy started sweating like Kim in a recording booth, and Sheree remarks that after that night, Tiy realized she was on to him. And she won’t date someone who can’t trust her with the truth. And is broke. Sheree promises to tell him this “face to face.” I actually miss Camille Grammer right now. I can’t believe you got the week off, Flippy! Bitch.

Kim’s parents’ house. Everyone’s bonding over yummy lasagna and toasted garlic bread with three cakes on the sidelines waiting to finish things off with a creamy sugar jolt right to the limbic region. I can’t believe I didn’t leave half that pie to reward myself for finishing this thing. Oh, well, I’ll have to settle for Boardwalk Empire and hope Michael Pitt takes his clothes off. Things are swell until Poppy Joe brings up “Tardy for the Party”, which he apparently employs to get the blood pumpin’ every morning the way some of us use Mexican diet pills. You can feel the air around Kandi instantly chill.

“Did I ever tell ya ’bout the time me and Ron Jeremy double-teamed Little Oral Annie?”

How’s the new song coming? Kim blithely asks. “Good… very good” is Kandi’s laconic reply. Kim can’t quit while she’s ahead and keeps blithering: “‘Tardy for the Party’ was such a success, that I have so much pressure for ‘The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing’ to be a success. I want it perfick. I went from ‘Tardy for the Party’ bein’ down here [low-placed hand], to this sh*t bein off the chain inta the sky [parallel hand placed higher]!” Yes. The low hand represents the groanable country ditty you gave to Kandi and the high hand is what Kandi did with it, IN SPITE of your horrid voice! So why won’t you trust her now?! Kandi has a hell of a lot better chance coming up with a decent-sized hit than Brielle does holding onto her much-vaunted virginity for 5 more years.

Karen (Crypt-Keeper) wants to know when the new song will be “ready”. It’s ready now and Kim can come listen to the new scratch-track in Kandi’s car. Kim insultingly interviews that in order for “The Ring” to be a hit, she has to “feel it in my bones”. Working with Streisand is probably easier. Because at least after all the cuntiness, she can deliver a voice to the gays. “I know how to make anybody sound good,” Kandi tells us. “So I spent a lot of time makin this song Kim-friendly, but if she still hates it, then fine, I’ll just take it to somebody else who will PAY me for my work and who won’t be sittin around here tellin everybody that they don’t like it, and not listening to me.” Kim seems to be liking the new queer-disco intro and then when Kandi gets to the white-girl rap part, Kim lights up like a garish white Xmas tree. She loves it! And she actually looks pretty saying so. Seriously.

“I could SO lez out with you right now!”

“Good job, Kandi!” Kim exclaims. “I didn’t doubt YOU, I was just worried about the track. When I heard ‘Tardy for the Party’, I MOVED. I didn’t doubt you at all, ever.” Kandi can’t help emitting a derisive giggle: “Yes, you did!” Then Kandi tells us of course Kim “doubted” her, since she went around bitching to NeNe, Flawrence and whoever else would listen that she hated the original arrangement. Kim interviews that she doesn’t “regret” slamming the first version “because now it’s perfick.” Kandi takes this opportunity to tell Kim that Kandi doesn’t see Kim doing anything to show real commitment to being more than a “one-hit wonder”. Kim counters– she’s going to get lessons from superstar vocal coach Jan Smith. “It’s my passion, I love it,” Kim insists.
Unlike custom-made wigs, talk is cheap.

Highland Bakery. Sheree meets Tiy-E for lunch and reckoning. Tiy condescendingly thanks her “for finding time in your schedule” to meet him. Sheree jumps in and says their relationship is “lacking” some important things: “communication, truss, honesty…” She doesn’t know who he is and he refuses to be completely honest with her. Sheree says her own life is “an open book” and tells him there’s nothing he couldn’t ask her. Tiy can “respeck” that, then picks up his shit-shovel: “It has nuthin to do with havin anything to hide. I think there’s a such thing as appropriateness… It was askin too much too soon.” Huh?! Sheree demands to know what she asked him that wasn’t appropriate. He defensively replies that HE felt there were things he couldn’t ask Sheree about, “like your children”. LAY-AYME! Sheree very reasonably says until she’s sure she’s keeping a man around for a while, he doesn’t need to meet her kids.

Then Tiy-E slams her for not having a “nurturing nature”– it seems as though Sheree happened to call him recently and his son picked up and she immediately asked to speak to Tiy, instead of chatting with the tyke in a fake Mother Goose voice. Sheree interviews that it’s ridiculous of him to expect her to become chummy with his kids “and hold conversations with them” [LOL] after one date. He should be sure SHE’s going to remain in his life before subjecting her to that. And Sheree don’t do baby-talk. Tiy-E then says he feels Sheree’s attitude in general is “what can you give me?” and she made no effort to come see him when he came back to town.

“You can open up your own damn ketchup, bitch.”

Sheree says no way was she going to meet him “at the Holiday Inn“. And during this three days, he never offered to take her out for a meal. “Why a man gotta feed you to talk to you?!” Tiy testily replies. Things deteriorate rapidly from this point, with Tiy indirectly telling her to “shut up” and Sheree saying he’s “on another planet”. “You say you’re a [air quotes] a doc-tor,” Sheree taunts him. “You say you’re a [air quotes] wo-man,” he taunts back. Oh, haaaayell, no! Did this fool just insinuate she’s a tranny??!! Tiy pulls out some folded papers– “my transcripts”– for her perusal (were these the ones he got online? she snips), but first he tells her to “prove you’re a woman”. Hello, they’re in public and she’s not even wearing a skirt. When she refuses to comply, he gets up, tells her that “It’s Tiy-E Muhammad that’s the man, not Dr Tiy-E Muhammad”, cheesily wishes her “peace and love”, and walks off.

NBC-TV Channel 11. NeNe arrives for “my first day at work”, “excited” and “proud of myself”. 11 Alive producer Sharisse Scineaux says they “got in touch with Tyler Perry’s folks” and reached out to Steve Harvey, Paula Dean and “PR for Ditty“. Today NeNe and Sharisse are just going to be making calls and trying to scare up some segments. NeNe is shown her cubicle, directly across from Sharisse. To her credit, she doesn’t throw a diva fit over the bare-bones digs, as Sharisse implies that a bullpen situation is standard for a newsroom. And that NeNe needs to claw her way to her own show before they give her an actual office. NeNe is all smiles, suggesting she get someone to come in and “bedazzle this sucka!” LOL.

“So you might get bumped by the Weekend Accu-Weather Forecast, but if not, how would you feel about getting a live mammogram with Mo’Nique?”

There’s a phone and a laptop, for which NeNe needs Tech Support to help find the mouse. While IT Guy Mike does that, and possibly provides two hands and a flashlight so she can find her own ass, let’s pause a moment and enjoy NeNe’s enormous black-rose ring, which I will be tracking down and buying for myself as soon as this super-size recap is finished. Or the next time Kim starts yapping about Brielle’s hymen, whichever comes first. “Thank you so much– you’re so special!” NeNe tells Mike in a pukey fake Kathie Lee voice that I hope she’s not planning to use on the news.

NeNe only has to touch her new mouse when presto, she comes to an online gossip blurb about– gasp– Gregg’s latest betrayal! The meta implications of a reality TV star covered by her own camera crew discovering that her husband is “…airin out our dirty laundry for da whole world to hear!” warps your brain if you spend two seconds thinking about it. So don’t. I’m not. Anchorwoman Karyn Greer, who looks disturbingly like Rondell Sheridan in drag, happens to stroll by and NeNe has no choice but to show her the bombshell. Karyn ups the drama by telling NeNe negative press like this can get a bitch fired from a network news job! Um, yes, I guess… unless the only reason a bitch got the job is the bitch’s notoriety from a reality show in which the bitch is constantly drunk, verbally abusive and flashing her titties.

I loved you in That’s So Raven!

NeNe’s tract mansion. NeNe arrives home and summons Gregg up from the pool room. What’s up with his “voice all over the blogs?” She’s armed with a handy copy of the transcript of the Large FM call. Gregg, hollow-eyed and as miserable as we’ve ever seen a man on this show, wearily tells her “That situation was not an interview.” NeNe gets shrill and angry right away: “As far as I’m concerned, Corey is a stranger!” WTF IS Corey, anyway? NeNe asks where and when Gregg gave her $300K. Gregg admits “that mighta been a little bit exaggerated.” NeNe yells that she is Gregg’s WIFE and it doesn’t matter how much money he spent on her because she got with his ass when he didn’t have A DIME! Because I LOOOOOVED you! What about the labor pains and vacations and shirts NeNe gave Gregg? She wants those back.

Gregg calmly explains that at the time of the conversation, he and NeNe had just had a fight and Gregg thought he was “venting to a friend– I never thought that he would put it on the radio!” I’m a Recap Artist, not Gloria Allred, but I THINK it’s illegal to tape phone calls without prior consent then use them as media content. So what the hell really happened? Instead of clarifying this, Gregg instead says he “can’t take back” any of what he said on the now semi-infamous call, because “I meant it at the time.” NeNe admits to having said lots of things in anger, but she always presented “a united front” with his ass, and now she is “PISSED off!” that he’s put her “on the goddamn line!” NeNe has had Gregg’s back “in so many situations” and she has “stood by you when you have done me WRONG!” Specifically, “when sh*t was really f*cked up!” And she has never, ever done Gregg wrong! Did somebody slip a Tyler Perry movie into my Macbook?!

“And I am telling you I AM going… to beat the muthafuckin hell outta you!”

 

Gregg has “ruined friendships” and “business contacts” for NeNe and “done f*cked-up sh*t in our marriage.” Gregg stays deathly calm, telling NeNe she is “so close to being done” that “immaculate fibers” must be keeping her there. NeNe says she never wanted a divorce but with all the “slick sh*t” Gregg has done, she doesn’t know him anymore. Well, Gregg doesn’t know her either, he says, adding “thank you for your time.” Gregg tries to walk off, but NeNe won’t have it. How dare he say that she’s the one who’s changed, when “you changed shortly after taking your vows!” And he better watch what he says, because their son Brentt will be watching and listening. Gregg agrees. He goes downstairs and NeNe goes upstairs in a nice symbolic shot the director must have been quite pleased with. NeNe says that’s it. She’s “f*ckin had it.” Her parting words: “I know I married a damn monster!”

Next week: Kim sucks at her singing lesson. Sheree is fired from a job we never knew she had. Phaedra’s baby pisses on her. NeNe fights with Peter. Yes, NeNe.