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Thursday, October 7, 2010
7:59 pm
68 Comments
Hola Gasmii–
So the big-titted, big-mouthed, brazenly offensive bitch is back, cholas! No, not me, sillies. I’m talking about NeNe Leakes. I spent the last several months thinking she’d quit The RHOA, so I was thrilled to see her in the promos during the jaw-dropping clusterfuck that is RHODC. (You really owe it to yourselves to check out Bbitz‘s wonderful recaps on this very site. Michaele aka Concentration Camp Barbie is one of the most deeply committed– and committable– loons this franchise has ever seen.)
What’s been up with me? Well, aren’t you sweet to ask. I broke up with Uruguayan underpants model Martin, when he fucked off to Australia in April. I can only guess that he’s happily pouring the pork to every slut in Melbourne, since he broke off all contact with me when I included a photo of him in one of my RHONJ recaps this summer. Apparently he wanted to keep THAT pic of him in his undies private and special, which frankly surprised me considering his entire ball-sac is visible in the recent Vogue Uomo issue which one of my gays “thoughtfully” slipped under the door of my vintage 1920′s Hollywood bungalow. Thanks, Gay, but I’ll pass on the Ex-BF Scrapbooking project.
Alright, enough of my sad bullshit. Let’s take a big bite of Georgia peach and see what our fave Southern slags are up to!
Sheree‘s tract mansion. An Old White Man we’ve never seen before tells Sheree he’s ready to have a baby. Sheree, titties packed pertly into one of her own She-shirts, says she can’t do this anymore and wants a divorce. In case the old white part or Sheree’s flat, disconnected delivery didn’t clue you in, applause breaks out and we realize Atlanta’s #1 Designer is now an aspiring actress and we’ve caught her right in the middle of a scene with her old, white duet partner! An Old White Woman in a ridiculously jaunty cap, identified as “Kristen, Sheree’s Acting Coach”, is in Sheree’s living room, conducting a class which also includes Chubby White Gal and Ponytailed Black Dude. And guess what? Kristi loves what Sheree’s doing. Sheree modestly reminds the group that she has absolutely no acting experience. Unless of course acting cunty counts..
Sheree interviews that after her triumphant She By Sheree fashion show in last season’s finale, she “decided to put it on hold for a brief second so I can focus on my newfound passion, acting.” If she’s interested in actually earning a paycheck, she may want to develop a newer passion for fast-food cashiering. Thank goodness Sheree’s expectations are reasonable: “I can definitely see myself onstage receiving an Oscar someday.” The only Oscar she has a chance of receiving is a drunken De La Hoya in her mouth if she crashes a party at the Playboy Mansion. As Kristen, who looks like Michelle Pfeiffer circa 2035, begins another acting “exercise”, who should totter up the driveway but NeNe!
NeNe’s early and Kristen’s a bit annoyed at the interruption. Those ditzy Bravo production coordinators! NeNe resembles a transvestite Barney as she informs us via interview that she finds Sheree’s new passion absolutely fuckin’ ridiculous. NeNe takes a seat on the couch to watch the deluded merriment. But Sheree is suddenly self-conscious and starts laughing and cursing. Looks like the lesson’s over. But Sheree says she “got a lot out of it”, and Kristen agrees that She-She’s “instincts are very good”. Out with the thespians, in with the lesbians: NeNe was just on a wine run and picked up a copy of Life & Style, featuring Kim Zolciak and the headline “Yes, I’m Bisexual”!
It’s just cleavage, Gramps. Retract the tongue before someone breaks a hip.
O Gasmii– just when we’ve gotten comfortable with the idea of RHONJ‘s Danielle Staub scissoring the night away with her “music partner”, now we have to imagine Kim’s giant blonde wig dripping with lady-nectar. Eeeuuww. Come on. Most of us dolls have dabbled in dykery here and there– and with the moral caliber of most of the men out there, who can blame us? But… eeeuuww! “As the buzz around her sexuality reaches a frenzy,” NeNe reads, “Kim Zolciak finally shares da truth!” We see the full-color pic with the article, featuring Kim and superstar DJ/handsome hunkette Tracy Young. NeNe reads from the interview, which she apparently had time to highlight with a pink marker on the drive from the liquor store. “Do you think that you are gay?”… “I don’t believe that love has a gender.”
Sheree tells us that she’s “surprised that Kim came out as a lesbian” (which she didn’t– she said she was bi, so penis ain’t off the table yet), since Kim never showed signs of being “into women”. (Except for that phase she went through when she couldn’t stop telling you how hot you are.) “But Kim is a media whore,” adds Sheree, who just invited a camera crew to tape her acting class. According to the article, Tracy and Kim are no longer bumping baldies, but Kim “adores” her and thinks “she’s fantastic”, NeNe mockingly reads to Sheree (someone has to, since she’s almost surely illiterate), commenting that “Tracy Young looks like she’s very experienced with women”. LOL. NeNe, who, despite her hatred of lovable Housewife Kandi has no qualms swiping Kandi’s discarded hair-do’s, not only supports Kim going bi-bi, NeNe’s having Kim over to her house.
NeNe says she wants to chat with Kim about the state of their friendship and that Kim is “big fun” as long as you know you can’t “go too deep” with her. Reconsider that after you smell Tracy’s finger. NeNe reminds Sheree that “Kim’s a pop star now, with back-up dancers”. They immediately break into “Tardy for the Party”, Kim’s infectious 2009 dance ditty which I must confess to iTunesing last fall.
In all fairness, Kim was expecting penis until the moment she tried to give her a hand-job.
NeNe’s tract mansion. NeNe awaits Kim’s arrival with husband Greg and “private chef” Shane. “You see what I hadda do for Kim?” NeNe asks. “I had to buy her some expensive wine, I had to put on a gown, I had to put on joory! Kim’s just so high-maintenance, it’s like dayyyum! I don’t have people over like Kim.” That’s true. Most of NeNe’s friends are gay, not bi. Greg is bewildered by NeNe’s nervousness– she’s downright giddy. But if NeNe’s working a subconscious desire to seduce her ex-BFF, someone should tell her that gown shows way too much back-fat. NeNe tells us that she hasn’t seen Kim in months. Cue the convertible white Bentley pulling into the driveway.
Kim tells us she hasn’t been to NeNe’s new house yet, reminding us that they got into a “big argument and she strangled me”, sadly off-camera. “It was killin me, and I was like ‘Kim, you can’t do this to yourself, so I hadda just forgive her.” Kim’s hair is rather subdued today but the top she’s wearing more than makes up for it. Imagine the upper half of the whoriest French maid costume you’ve ever seen, then add enormous fake tits and you’re there. Greg welcomes Kim, then NeNe flounces in and they hug. “You got lotion on!” Kim appreciatively observes. Greg explains that his wife’s “a wreck” over this, and Kim says she was “a little nervous”, too. Y’all so fulla bullshit, Greg drawls.
Kim interviews that NeNe went all out for the visit and really wants their friendship back. Greg, who looks like he’s gained 30 pounds and a bad attitude over hiatus, leaves the ladies alone to dine and chat. NeNe dives right in and demands the dykey dirt. Kim confirms that all the bisexy press is true. “Have you ever had that connection before?” NeNe asks, batting her hilariously purple-spackled eyelids. Kim says “timing” is the reason she and Tracy hooked up. Kim left sugar-daddy Big Poppa just as Tracy was getting out of an LTR and when Kim needed a boyish, youngish shoulder to cry on, Tracy was there: “She listened.” NeNe: Love is a beautiful thing. Kim: Love has no gender. NeNe: You in love? Kim: No. NeNe: I knew you wouldn’t be! Take that, Ilene Chaiken.
“MMMMMM… PUSSS- EEEE…!”
Kim says she had a connection with Tracy and NeNe interrupts, correcting that SHE and Kim have the real connection. Jesus, Neens– keep it in your pants! “I been chasin dick since I came out of the womb,” Kim interviews (thanks for THAT image, you crazy slut), “so NeNe is not believin the fact that I went to the other side for a minute.” Let’s pause one other minute to take in how absolutely gigantic Kim’s jugs look in that tropical strapless number. Wow. OK, continue. “Only a woman knows what a woman wants,” Kim sultrily remarks to NeNe, pulling yet another stock phrase from Lesbos For Dummies. “Maybe I’ll date a girl,” NeNe laughs gaily, prompting Kim to ask if NeNe’s ever been with a woman.
“NOOOOOO!” NeNe howls. “I love MIN!” Kim does, too, don’t get her wrong. That’s the perf segue to NeNe’s observation that Kim’s still wearing Pig Boppa’s ring, which, if you remember, is so large it affects the rotation of the Earth. Kim informs her that the engagement’s still off– they can’t be together until he gets divorced and haven’t banged in months. NeNe grumbles that “I don’t know where me and Greg are goin.” Next time Bravo has all the Real Housewives from every zip code in one place, could they PLEASE spring for a grammar tutor along with the standard hair and make-up crew?! If I have to hear one more “I” after a preposition I might go insane and take some butch music-industry gal’s strap-on myself. My Puerto Rican grandmother’s maid Azucena speaks better English and she’s never been off the island. But you should taste her barriguitas!
#1 sign that you may need a breast-reduction…
Where were we? Oh, yes. NeNe’s shitty marriage. “We’re in two different places,” NeNe tells Kim. That makes Kim sad. NeNe interviews that Greg works in real estate and has been slammed by the recession. He spends a lot of time at home while NeNe’s out making money as a Bravo superstar. OMG, it’s Joe and Teresa Jew-Dice all over again. NeNe says Greg is used to being the “sole provider” and now that they have flip-flopped roles, there’s tons o’tension. Kim decides to drop a little bombshell and tells NeNe that Gay Housewife Dwight told her that he loaned Greg 10 grand and Greg made it clear that Dwight was not supposed to tell NeNe about it. NeNe is shocked and tells Kim that “I have my own money” and Greg should have just come to her and asked for it. NeNe is also mad at Dwight for not telling her. And Dwight shouldn’t be blabbin your broke-ass bidness all over town, Kim helpfully adds.
…If they’re bigger than your head.
NeNe can’t think of anything else to do in the moment, so she tells Kim that Dwight has a nose-job which needs to be “reconstructed” because “he can’t breathe”. Random but sort of interesting. Maybe NeNe will trump this divulgence and expose every gay’s secret terror, that she saw Dwight online with a fister-wanted personal ad! NeNe and her titanic titties interview that Dwight should have spent the 10K on getting that nose fixed. The pals wrap up the visit with a warm hug. NeNe: I’m glad you’re datin women now. Kim: F*ck you, NeNe. Kim tells us that 99.9% of the time, she has great fun with NeNe, as long as NeNe’s not “choking” her. Awww! NeNe then asks exactly what lesbians do in bed. “The same thing Greg does to you,” Kim replies. At the moment, that don’t sound like a lot, child.
Kim’s house. Kim’s tween daughter answers the door to Kandi. “Get the f*ck in here!” Kim drawls. Kim presents a lovely spread for the occasion. (Of food, pervs!) Kandi says one day she’s going to cook for Kim. “I make a cream cheese poundcake that’ll make you wanna slap yo’mama!” Kim probably already wants to slap hers, so consuming that cake sounds potentially deadly for Kim’s broken-down ex-burlesque-artist hag mom, whichever trailer park she might currently be residing in. Kim asks how Kandi’s mom Joyce is. Back to her old meddling self, Kandi says, dictating who Kandi should and shouldn’t date and why. Gasmii, you know how much I heart Kandi– I love Kandi even more than Joyce loves Kandi, and that’s a whole lotta lovin’ goin’ on– but the old dear was dead-on about Kandi’s late fiance AJ, so maybe Kandi should listen up. And maybe Joyce would help your Recap Artist find a man! Oh, who’m I kidding– Joyce would think I’m a foul-mouthed ex-teen-model whore.
Kim asks about a gentleman named Willis whom Kandi seems to be into. Like most of you, I have no idea who this is, but I already hope they’ll become an item, for the Diff’rent Strokes references alone. Joyce hasn’t met Willis yet, but they’ve talked on the phone once. Kandi interviews that AJ’s death “was devastating” but that she’s trying to deal and is tentatively back on the dating scene. “He’s well-to-do and he looks SO good,” Kim opines. With Lisa‘s cocoa-cutie hubby Ed out of the picture (along with his dull wife), this show, like myself, could use a hot beef injection. Kandi says she has a great time with Willis, but is worried about him being in the NFL (stop or I’m gonna wet my panties, gurrrrl!)– he’s “used to women flocking” to him. And she doesn’t like “long-distance relationships”. Tell me about it, babe.
“Rest In Peace and all that shit, but my mama was like, how many kids he got and you never had a pre-nup?!?”
Kandi, with fire-engine red hair and a gorgeous color-crazed sexy top, interviews that she’s takin’ it slow because only a year ago she was engaged to pre-nup-hating human fertility clinic AJ. And she’s busy recording a new album. She tells us that after AJ’s death, the songs she’d written just didn’t feel right, so she’s whipping up a bunch of new ones to more accurately reflect her current feelings. Kim mangles some more English, telling Kandi “I had met NeNe yesterday.” If you recall, Gasmii, NeNe and Kandi don’t get along because NeNe is one envious, big-knockered beeyotch. Kandi is curious about why Kim would go to NeNe’s– “if somebody chokes the hell outta me… and I was callin da po-leese on dey ass, no need for us to be chummy,” Kandi says.
Kim replies that “NeNe has changed”. Kandi says she and Kim “have had this conversation before”, then interviews that “Kim has this weird relationship with NeNe. One minute she’s like ‘I don’t mess with that moose‘ [LOL]… and the next minute she’s like ‘NeNe has a good heart, she’s so sweet!’ I personally feel like that’s only gonna last a few minutes. Then they’re gonna be at it soon about something else.” We can only hope. Then Kandi grills Kim about the Life & Style article. Kandi says Kim told her she was NOT going to “put that part of your life out there.” Kim poutily replies that instead of having everyone “speak for me”, she decided to speak for herself. Kandi interviews that it seems odd for Kim to come out in grocery store checkout aisles across the nation then become all coy and clammed-up (sorry) when Kandi demands clarification. But whateva. Kandi has to leave but Kim packs up a bunch of food for Kandi to take home with her. Do you suppose Kandi’s still feeding AJ’s 15 kids?
Atlanta Rocks Indoor Climbing. Kandi and her new man-friend Willis D McGahee (I’ve heard of Black Irish but that name is ridonkulous), “running back for the Baltimore Ravens” arrive in Kandi’s Mercedes. Kandi tells us what she likes most about Willis is how much they laugh together. Willis is no Ed, but he’s pretty cute and his bubble-butt looks great trussed up in a rock-climbing harness. His jokes are another story– he’s no Lisa Lampanelli, either, although he’s probably fucked her. Kandi interviews that she’s more of a “checkers and Connect 4″ kinda gal, but she’s “getting out of my comfort zone.” And showing some adorable cleavage in that cute red cashmere sweater. Listen to me lez out! Thanks a lot, Kim.
“AJ who?”
After the rock-climbing, Willis wants to know what he can “whip her up” in next. Kandi says she’s a winner at abstinence, and has a bet with friends that she can make it through “December 31st” without any sex. Does that include oral, Willis grins. No, Kandi grins back. Willis: That’s cool. Then he wipes two handfuls of sweat on Kandi’s face, which should be really gross but isn’t for some reason. The only rock I’d be climbing up in there is that tattooed slab of iron-muscled Ghirardelli. Holla!
Kim’s house. Kim’s first-born Brielle comes home from school. She’s blossomed from an obnoxious chubby 12-year-old into a glamorous whiskey-voiced 13-year-old sexpot with a crush on a French exchange student. Kim tells us that her daughters dating “scares the sh*t out of me”, then hilariously adds “I hope I instilled the same morals and values that my parents instilled in me.” Oh, I think that’s quite probable. The tragic consequence of growing up in a household that worships big 80′s blonde hair is revealed when Brielle swoons that Frenchie is so hot “it was like a Fabio!” Kim snickers at this through a mouthful of cheese spread as Brielle wolfs down ice-cream straight from the carton. Kim tries to douse the girl’s fiery loins by pointing out that this kid doesn’t even speak the language.
Brielle hardly cares and thankfully Kim doesn’t trot out annoying anti-foreskin arguments as they look at Monsieur on Facebook and Kim advises Brielle to play hard to get. Brielle says Kim’s relationship-track-record renders her unfit to give romantic advice. She’s got ya there, muff-muncher. Kim asks if Brielle has kissed a boy and if she’s gone beyond that. Um, she’s 13 and looks 25, what do you think? “I’m not a whore,” Brielle indignantly replies. We’ll make that decision, won’t we, Gasmii? Brielle says she’d love to “plant one on him– have you seen him?” Kim says “that’s superficial”, which is so absurd coming from this human tabloid that I can barely move on. Kim asks what will Brielle do if she marries a hot guy who loses his hair or gets fat. “Divorce him and find a new man,” she gurgles through a mouth full of thick white goop. Kim allows Brielle to attend “International Night” at school tonight, but warns her not to chase this boy. Brielle mercifully exits before Kim can perform a hymen check.
“And they don’t have Bravo in France, so he has no idea what a gold-digging bisexual home-wrecker you are!”
It’s time to meet Phaedra, one of the new Housewives. Excited? Me, too. Mostly because the guy who knocked her up is another sizzling black stud! Phaedra explains that her name is Greek and means “the glowing one, the Goddess of Light”. She has a younger, way-hotter-than-she-is husband conveniently named Apollo, which is Greek for Most Beautiful Man Alive and child, it fits. He is SO damn hot he makes Willis look like the dog’s dinner. Phaedra tells us that she’s “a Southern belle” from NeNe’s hometown of Athens, GA, and that Southern women have more “charm” and “gracefulness” than other women and we see a quick montage of her preening at various social functions wearing brightly colored hats. At one of these things, she’s escorted by Dwight, so I already see major NeNe issues on the horizons. Phaedra admits that Apollo isn’t as far along “in his career” as she is, but he signed a pre-nup so “I know he wants ME.”
When does Carol Burnett need that outfit back?
Phaedra says that people in Atlanta love to gossip about “Apollo’s background”, but she doesn’t care, because “if they’re not talking about you, you’re not relevant.” We see what a fancy lady she is at La Maison, a snooty restaurant (Phaedra: I love foie gras!) and Apollo’s appeal takes a drastic nose-dive when he starts praying over the food, asking God to make them good parents. Phaedra says they have to decide on a name for their first baby and that she doesn’t like “weird names” that no one can spell or pronounce. Whatever, Phaedra. She likes “Richard”, “Parker” and “Seth”. Seth? Really? Why not just name the kid “Caucasian”?!
Trophi-licious!
Phaedra explains that she’s “an attorney to the stars” and has repped such luminaries as Bobby Brown, Jermaine Dupri (whose Twitter page refers to him as a “green-chasing mufucka”), Jazze Pha (pronounced Jazzy Fay in case you don’t consider obscure hip-hop producers “stars”), and Too $hort. We see her in bed on the phone threatening to put on pumps and walk into “any courtroom”, “so don’t play me cuz you’re playin yourself.” Yeah, shut up, Whitney. Phaedra interviews that she’s “well-known on the Atlanta social scene” (she’s got a pic with Bill Clinton, aka Too Horn-E), “I’m fabulous, I’m fierce and I’m beautiful, and I know I can have it all.” Including a gay husband. That was uncalled for. But…
I give it a year.
Dwight’s house. Phaedra pilots her Mercedes chez Dwight. He coos over and kisses her preg-tummy then pops open the non-alcoholic champagne as we goggle at the high-end tacky decor, including cartoony striped furniture and what looks like a nude half-statue of Lenny Kravitz. Dwight interviews that Phaedra’s “a dear friend of mine and she’s also my lawyer”. Dwight recounts his role in Sheree’s successful fashion show (if you can call abruptly switching to a career as a starlet “success”) which he claims included him spending 30 grand of his own money (!!!). “Are you crazy?!?” Phaedra blurts. Dwight says that’s what friends do, then admits yes, it was crazy. He got carried away. And it bugs him that Sheree never thanked all the people Dwight called in favors from to make the gala night happen. Phaedra asks if Sheree gave him a thank-you gift. “Not even a M&M, not even a card,” Dwight sniffs.
Phaedra offers Dwight some sassy legal advice: “It sounds like a matter for civil court, but since you don’t have a contract… I mean, she ain’t got no money [LOL]. I might would call her and just say ‘it was very rude of you.’ Don’t stoop to any hood-rat-type levels. Maybe give her Emily Post‘s etiquette book and highlight some things in there.” Phaedra opines that Sheree didn’t get no home-trainin, and might be unfamiliar with the rules of polite society. Ain’t no “might” about that, y’all. Then she asks if Dwight’s heard from NeNe. Phaedra tells us “I’ve known NeNe since childhood… I’m a very traditional Southern girl, but NeNe on the other hand is not generally thought of as very lady-like.” Dwight says he called NeNe over the holidays and left a message but she hasn’t returned it. This season is going to be SO cunty.
“Speak up– I can’t hear you over this couch.”
NeNe’s tract mansion. NeNe calls Kim and invites her to an event at an “exclusive shoe boutique to preview some of their most fabulous” merchandise. NeNe says she heard “through the grapevine” that Dwight might also be attending, which NeNe dreads. Mr NeNe appears and NeNe says Dwight may be at the event she’s attending with Kim. And it’s “really bothering” NeNe that Kim told her Dwight “is saying things” about Greg, namely that Mr NeNe asked Dwight for 10 grand. Greg looks all surprised and when NeNe demands answers says “I can’t help but laugh, I’m sorry.” I think you’re about to be real, real sorry.
Greg says that’s nuts and scoffs at the notion of Dwight even having 10K. “If he’s got it, it didn’t come to me,” he insists. But NeNe isn’t buying that, interviewing that “recently Greg has become a more secretive person.” Mr NeNe explains that he and Dwight “went in on a very small investment, $500″ and Dwight didn’t make back the expected $200 profit. NeNe is understandably perplexed how this chump-change inflated to 10K, and tells Greg that she resents ANY financial shenanigans going on between him and Dwight while she was kept out of the loop. Dwight’s her gay, not Greg’s. NeNe walks out, annoyed.
“…and then this muthafuckin FLY got into the teleportation chamber with me, honey!”
Throwaway Minute du Jour: Kim tells chubby tween daughter Ariana she can’t go to a pool with friends because the water’s not clean and she might get “an infection in your vajajay”. (Or even worse, pregnant. It can happen. I saw it on Hard Copy once.)
Sheree’s tract mansion. Flaming weave queen Lawrence arrives to get sloshed on red wine with Sheree before escorting Her Ladyship to the shoe event. He asks if Lisa will be there. Sheree doesn’t think so, but NeNe, Kim and Dwight will be. Sheree is salivating at the chance to confront Dwight for his outrageous public assertions about putting 30K into the fashion show. “Dwight didn’t put a dollar into She By Sheree,” she interviews. “He wears polyester suits. I know he ain’t got no 30 thousand dollars,” Lawrence snips. “He’s a stunt queen! He pulls stunts to make a living,” he adds, for the homo-impaired.
You know this one house sits for her and wears her clothes.
Yeah, you heard me.
Limo. NeNe picks Kim up for a wine-fueled ride to the shoe salon. “I want to get my happy back,” NeNe sighs. She feels that the stress of her marriage is blocking good people and good times from entering her life. Kim agrees– NeNe’s been “shut down”, which is a shame “because you’ve got the best personality” and Kim doesn’t want to see her future-ex-BFF on “a path of destruction”. NeNe says that as “an honest person”, she’s disturbed that she can no longer trust Greg. NeNe hints at even darker doings between her and Greg and if Kim knew the whole story, she’d be shocked NeNe has stuck around as long as she has. NeNe tells Kim she doesn’t think she’s in love with Greg anymore. To Kim’s dishy delight, NeNe writes out a check to pay Dwight back his 500. (Note that’s she so tipsy she first uses the wrong end of the pen!)
“Pay to the order of ‘Cocksucker’…”
Loew’s Hotel. Champagne, shoes and trash-talkin’ uppity bitches, three of my favorite things all in one place. NeNe introduces Kim to bubbly, busty Rashidah, owner of B Chic Boutique. Sheree and Lawrence arrive and everyone trades hugs. Then Sheree starts crabbing that the shoes are from “two or three seasons ago”. Is she EVER off the rag?
Awwww… NeNe got Kim a naked lady!
Other limo. Dwight and Phaedra en route to the hotel. Phaedra’s all blinged-out and tells Dwight that she and Kim shop at the same super-pricey stores. Dwight cheerily says NeNe’s going to be there and can’t wait to see her.
Loew’s. The ladies dish Dwight and his claim to have spent 30K on She, which Sheree dismisses as hogwash. NeNe interviews disgust at Dwight’s apparent new habit of blabbing about all the money he’s giving away. Dwight and Phaedra arrive and NeNe braces herself for the gay schooling she’s fixin’ to administer. NeNe exchanges kissy-face with Phaedra, then immediately interviews that Phaedra has no business being at an exclusive to-do for the “fabulous” women of the ATL: “I don’t know Phaedra that well, but what I’ve seen of Phaedra, I ain’t ever seen fabulous. I’ve seen plain-Jane from Athens, but when we talk about fabulosity, I don’t see it.” Love. This.
Possibly the most unflattering top in the history of busted-up alcoholic ex-porn queens.
Dwight greets NeNe and asks for a hug. When she says “no”, he flits away but NeNe follows, using the term “Boo” in a negative context and getting titty-to-titty with the big spender as the “save the drama”‘s and the “you really need to come correct”‘s start to fly. Kim interviews that NeNe has no self-control and when she gets mad, look out! NeNe advises Dwight to quit pretending he’s fabulous, then whips out the check and says here’s your 500 bucks. Dwight rips it up, saying he gave Greg cash and that’s what he wants back. Oh, it is ON, ninos y ninas!
Sheree is secretly loving this, since she has her own Dwight peeves, and wonders via interview why Dwight’s so silent in the face of NeNe’s onslaught. “Whatsamatta? Cat got your tongue?” Not super-original, but to be fair, she’s a top designer an actress, not a writer. Our new resident etiquette expert, Phrumpy Phaedra prissily interviews that “NeNe was really out of control… as a lady it was just shimeful!” Exactly what show did you think you signed up for, sistah? Designing Women? As Kim & NeNe storm out or are escorted by security or both, Kim theorizes to us that NeNe took her anger at Greg and channeled into gay-bashing Botox-Boy. “I’m just glad it’s not me this time,” Kim smirks, clearly drunk as a skunk.
Kim had no idea this would be the last evening she’d spend with Tony Curtis.
Meanwhile, inside Dwight is in prime Victim Mode– “Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize for the drama… This is not my nature and I don’t like to be pushed in a corner.” No, you like to be taken from behind. Otherwise why would you say this: “I am a tiger, and I will fight!” On the sidewalk, we get a rare moment of harmony between NeNe/Kim/Sheree, bonding over what a lying little tigress Dwight is. Kim re-opens the blush champagne and NeNe and her ginormous fun-bags interview that she was disappointed in herself for getting too upset to get real answers from Dwight. She should have worn this purple contraption to the shoe party, because those tits would have scared Dwight into immediate compliance. They might be the biggest hooters ever seen on a Real Housewives show, and that includes the ones on Jesus-freak codependent mess Alexis in RHOC.
“Oh, great. NeNe’s losin’ her shit again and there’s caviar in my wig.”
“I am so glad you and Sheree had my back,” NeNe tells Kim in the limo. “He lyin!” Kim gives her a hug but we cut away before the drunken lezzy kiss this episode has seemingly been building to. Goddamn homophobic Bravo censors. Just kidding. This network couldn’t be gayer if it ran a 24/7 loop of Adam Lambert rimming Richard Simmons while Jeff Lewis sings Ethel Merman‘s greatest hits. Exposure to Bravo turns fetuses gay in the womb.
We are then short-changed some program-time for what those in the Reality TV biz call a “super-tease”, an extended trailer (not the kind Kim lived in) for the long, luscious season. Normally I would skip this, because I hate spoilers, but in the pure interest of Recap Artistry, here’s what’s coming: Sheree becomes a race car driver. Bikini-clad Kim receives a bizarre new beauty treatment that reminds me of Demon Seed, the 1977 Julie Christie movie where she got raped by a computer. Kandi gives sex advice on the internet. A “supermodel” joins the cast and old men want to fuck her. Phaedra’s Lord-lovin’ hubby may be a criminal. Kim performs at a Gay Pride event. Male strippers show ass. NeNe tells Greg to hit the bricks. Kim despises Phaedra. NeNe’s slacker son gets arrested. NeNe threatens Kim with a beat-down.
“I’m here for the parent-teacher conference.”
And there you have it. Thanks to my beloved Flipit for all his support and assistance and the use of the TVgasm corporate Escalade. Thanks to all the amazingly sweet, smart and complimentary RHONJ fans who totally embraced me when I had to take over from Twunty McSlore while she was at the Unwed Mothers’ Home. (Twunty, you made the right choice– who needs kids?!) And thanks to all my RHOA peeps whose biting, breezy Comment-love make this job such a delight. I am also occasionally contributing to P-baby‘s Horrorgasm blog right here on this site, so please check out my 80′s splatter flashback City of the Living Dead and my upcoming dissection of the notorious 1971 body-count classic Twitch of the Death Nerve.
Hasta la vista, putitas!
xoxoxo
LLB
TV Social
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68 Comments
Leia!!! Perfect timing – I can’t wait to read this!!!! Glad you’re sticking with us!
K, on page 5, and was anyone else as disgusted as I was with Brielle eating that ice cream? Ugh, I wanted to take that damn spoon and smack her with it! 1) Don’t talk with your mouth full and 2)Close your damn mouth! Pig!
Ok, back to your hilarious recap! Great to have you back, Leia!
I don’t know..part of me thinks that the producer’s asked Brielle to eat ice cream so that Kim could look like a concerned mother.
I think a concerned mother would have also taught her kid how to eat without grossing people out!
Glad to see you recapping again Leia
Looking forward to your take on these self absorbed,lyin,conivin,broken down bitches. If they had any self respect they wouldn’t be on the real Housewives of Atlanta.
TC,Robin
Ummm I may be alone in this but I found your comments about AJ to be in extremely poor taste even for you Leia. He always seemed like an okay guy on the show and I really doubt Kandi moved on as quickly as you’re insinuating. Oh and thanks for reminding us that you’re an ex-teen model, I had forgotten since the last twenty times you had mentioned it.
@Brattygrl, yes, Brielle’s manners were horrible! She was mumbling, slobbering, and licking the spoon.. so hard to watch. I was equally appalled when she came in and put her shoes (heels?) on the kitchen counter. Great job, Kim. Spend more time managing Brielle’s facebook and less time teaching basic skills like chewing with her mouth closed or not introducing her saliva to the communal tub of ice cream.
Phaedra! She is going make this one heck of a season, amirite? First off, I recommend she be ‘monikered’ Suzanne Sugarbaker. I mean, can anyone be more of a southern belle? (in their own head..lol)
Let’s dish on Ms. Phaedra: Well, she is a lawyer, but she was also the exec producer of a BET reality show called Tiny & Toya. Tiny, used to be in a group with Kandi called Xscape, but since has married a super-hot ATL rapper who just can’t stay out of trouble. Toya, her friend, was married to an uber-talented New Orleans rapper who just can’t stay out of trouble. Both men were in jail during the filming of the reality show. (Yea…quality programming.) Anyway, I did catch one episode and saw Phaedra there at a girls ‘sleepover’ where they sat around, drank wine, and she doled out advice on relationships and men. Mainly against the one girl whose hubby didn’t want to work..even though she wanted to. Ms. Phaedra was all about the lady independece!
But then she goes and marries Apollo, who was released from jail in 2009! His crime date was in ’98(racketeering), so who knows (after trial, sentencing) how long his bid was but I’m guessing 10 years or so. (Definitely dropped the soap during that time..no man could hold out for that long)
But he was released in May 2009, and this show was filmed months ago, so how long did they know one another before they were married and pregnant. And did Apollo really just go from a cell to the ole ball-and-chain?
He may have signed a pre-nup to not leave the marriage with anything, but during the marriage, he will live a very cushy lifestyle on his wives dime. Sure beats the hell out of checking that ‘have you ever been convicted of a felon’ box on job applications. His only other option would’ve been hanging in front of a Home Depot waiting to jump into the back of slow-moving pickup trucks.
All of the ladies seem to have put on a few this season, no? Well, except for Sheree whose workout regimine has only succeeded in making her more trannylicious. Anyone watch Rupaul’s Drag Race? Well, google Sahara Davenport, and you’ll see what I mean!
Nene’s face looks good (thanks to her nose job…oooh snap!), and her hair is nice, too. I think Kandi may need to lose the rooster ‘do, especially if she’s going to throw darts at Kim’s weave for being crooked.
Greg obviously did borrow some money but it was more than $500 and most likely, less than $10,000. I can’t imagine a fabulous person doing anything for a $200 return on their investment. What were they investing in…nickel bags?
Lastly..(is that even a word?), I’m not quite feeling Kandi’s new boo. Nevermind the fact that he said ‘celavant’, when speaking about her no-sex rule. He asked her for head on camera! Or maybe he was asking if giving HER oral sex was out of the question? Because, then, maybe I was too quick in my judgment. Altruistic and chivalrous to boot! This one’s a keeper.
Sidenote: Did you guys hear that Ramona Singer bitch slapped a Bravo producer? He probably was directing an emotionally charged scene and inadvertently tripped over her Pinot IV. So, Romona wnet bat-shit crazy and swung on him helicopter style into the anesthesiologist arrived to replace her drip. Serenity now!
“he’s no Lisa Lampanelli, either, although he’s probably fucked her”
Hahaha!!!
Awesome recap Leia, of course I knew it would be!
I always have a tough time with this one because Kim is such a lying piece of shit, and fucking someone else’s husband is a fucked-up backdoor way of getting onto a show about HOUSEWIVES – but it’s Bravo. I’ll lower my standards… I mean I just watched two complete seasons of Testosteresa and Concentration Camp Barbie (good one!), how bad could it be? LOL.
Nene’s tits are huge. I wonder if after Greg fucks her, he plants a flag and claims a new territory? I think he got so plump because he’s not climbing The Black Hills anymore; it must take days to get out of the Badlands after a ride that rough.
Who’s Birkin bag was that on Sheree’s counter? Was it Lawrence’s? I WANT IT.
I love the fact that Sheree thinks she’s the most together of the househo’s, but she’s completely fucking delusional. What level of Narcissism do you have to be operating on to be predicting a future Oscar win for yourself from a community theater acting class. Who all look extras from “Roseanne”. In your down-sized LIVING ROOM. Whatever level it is, I’d like to find it so I can have an imaginary, globe-trotting life hob-nobbing with the beautiful people, and staying in 5 star hotels eating FWA GWA.
I thought Kandi’s ass-candy was hotter than Apollo. But other than sputtering out a half-assed prayer, I didn’t really get to hear Apollo talk so that might be part of the problem – I like the dirty talk.
Phaedra is hideous, she reminded me of The Lady Chablis from “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil”.
Brielle won’t be able to follow in Kim’s moral footsteps because there aren’t any, but that doesn’t matter because boys like girls who swallow – and Brielle clearly has a problem with that. I think she’s probably safe from getting laid until she’s at least 30, at which point she’ll be perfect for Big Poppa. Problem solved, Kim!
Oh yeah – Dwight sucks. Whoever dug up Lena Horne and reanimated her corpse as persnickety gay liar should be arrested.
ugh, brielle was DISGUSTING!!! I literally couldn’t concentrate on anything else b/c i was so grossed out by what she was eating. and at first i couldn’t tell it was ice cream so i thought it was cottage cheese or something, which only grossed me out further. the shoes on the counter thing got me too. yes kim, i have a strong feeling that all your “morals and values” will be instilled in her, she’ll “turn out ok”, JUST LIKE YOU. god, how horrifying.
so i know nene had the nose job and all, but did she have a boob job also? i’ve watched every season, so i don’t know if i just didn’t notice or not, but i seem to remember her having really saggy long-boobs in the first season and now they’re like BAM!
well this was a pretty great recap, i’ve been waiting for it all week as well. i can’t wait for the rest of the season!
It is nothing short of sheer joy, a breath of fresh Angel, after the creepmobbyleopardiousness of NJ, and the stultifying fauxverse of DC, to FINALLY get back to some Real Housewives who walk the bus station skank Pride walk!
Nobody does it like these Atlanta hamsters, who are a Living Reminder of the words of one of the planet’s most underappreciated ecumenical theologians, Mr Rupaul Andre Charles:
“In the beginning, male, female, and Drag Queen created He them.”
(and a friend of his who has often pointed out that gender is 90% attitude and eyeliner, and 10% anatomical inventory)
Oh, and it appears that Nene has obtained a new nose!
Great recap Leia! I hate NeNe! She is so ghetto.
I too was so disgusted with Brielle putting her shoes on the counter. I couldn’t even concentrate on the scene because of that, lol.
“But if NeNe’s working a subconscious desire to seduce her ex-BFF, someone should tell her that gown shows way too much back-fat.” LMAO, my fiancee was talking so much smack about that. I also loved the Black Irish comment as I am part of that group, with my last name being McG…. I thought Willis was a cutie, but was turned off by the oral sex comment. I was wondering what you would think of Apollo
Still love Kandi, not sure about the new Phaedra yet. Can’t stand Sheree, but have been to a party she was at and she is actually much prettier in person. Her main gay was there too, and I was very jealous of the shoes he was rocking that day =) Anyway, can’t wait to see the rest of the season and meet the other new housewife. Glad your back Leia!
The bitch is back! I mean that in the most complimentary way. You had me at the Tony Curtis screencap. That poor woman. I wonder if she knows that she looks like Tony? God rest his soul.
Brielle and the ice cream was fucking disgusting. It made me hate Kim even more because she should have said something to her daughter about eating that way. It is either that Kim doesn’t pay attention to her daughters and could give a shit about what they do or that she doesn’t think that anything is wrong with that. I am thinking it is that she doesn’t pay attention as evident in last season when she passed off her daughters to the nanny to discipline.
Kim doesn’t have to worry about Brielle getting kissed by any guy after they witness the ice cream eating. Gross. That is going to be seen by all the kids in her class and she is going to be so embarrassed. But her media whore of a mother doesn’t think to protect her kids from that. PCheeze: I am with you. I hate Kim and I don’t think that she should be on the show.
WOW- I had never realized how huge Nene’s tits are. Is that normal for someone’s boob to be bigger than their head? I also think that she has lost some weight, so her boobs are going to look bigger. Kim’s always looked huge, but Nene’s not so much. Maybe she got a boob job as well? That is disturbing.
Have to say that the Atlanta hos are some of the worse of the bunch. I had forgotten just how delusional and narcisstic She by Sheree is. This is another cast that just needs to be scrapped and started over again.
@jeanine: I had forgotten that Kim said she wanted to make sure the Brielle followed in her footsteps and had the same morals as her. What morals would those be? Sleeping with a married man and then running around saying that you are engaged when the guy hasn’t even left his wife yet? Those morals. That would be awesome if Brielle ended up like you.
@PCheeze: “Phaedra is hideous, she reminded me of The Lady Chablis from “Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil”. That is perfect!
Last season, Nene went to a consultation (with Dwight in tow) to look into getting her boobs redone. So, my guess is she went ahead and got the surgery because…..BAM!
I LOVE Sheree’s brand of delusions of grandeur. It makes me giggle.
Kim is raising a miniKim. I can just see it in that smartmouth preteen Lolita.
Phaedra…It is going to be AWESOME if she gets into the ring with Nene. It may not happen because she is pregnant, but sometimes the pregnancy hormones can turn the sweetest southern belle in Godzilla.
Kandi…I do love her but I was getting uncomfortable with her endless questioning of Kim. She’s not her mother.
Nene Nene Nene. She needs either anger management or she needs to cut down on the drinking because she is an out of control rhino.
I am in deep smit with you Leia. I couldn’t wait for the recap!
Leia – awesome recap! Your snapshot of NeNe (“where’s mah wine?”)with the sunglasses almost caused a spit out coffee moment. It would not have been nearly as disgusting as watching Brielle eat ice cream – jaysus christ, I have seen “money shots” in porn films that were less gross.
Does anyone else think that Her Highness Phaedra looks like one of those animated Disney fishes? Her mouth is so distracting…just me? Ok…
I don’t really like her right now – She seems like an employed version of Sheree with her swimming in Lake Me. Hubby is fine, and praying at dinner doesn’t bother me too much – we do when we eat at home.
Kim, Kim, Kim – hot tranny mess, but it is fun when she goads NeNe into her ghetto fab mode. And that is what NeNe does…in public…with wine. She would go off on someone at a state dinner, a memorial service, a 6 year old’s birthday…you name it, she will go off.
Sheree…oh lawd…acting now? I see a broke-ass theatre production of “A Doll’s House” in her future. Complete with too many wardrobe changes, and her insistence on a dressing room, and entourage.
Two improvements to this season needed? A ban on backless dresses and a grammar coach.
Uggh, I almost forgot about Dwight – he is starting to look like he will have to be poured into a mold to harden before the next party.
So glad these ladies are back…and you too Leia!
I’m totally lovin’ Phaedra and think she is going to be a perfect for stirring up some major drama.
Oh, yeah I think Phaedra is going to stir up some sh*t. I agree with you @LAC something about her was distracting. She tips her head up. I don’t know if it’s because she’s little and looking up at people or if she’s doing it in a haughty way. And, has she had collagen or botox in her upper lip or does she just have full lips?
Nene was on Miss Andy’s show last night. She said they both grew up in Athens and went to the same high school but not at the same time. So, they didn’t grow up together and she didn’t know her family or anything.
I think Nene actually had a boob reduction. It may have been brought up at the 2nd season reunion. But, she really needs to start wearing clothes with structure. Those flowing tops do nothing for her.
The only thing missing from She’s acting class was Jack McFarlane! I was expecting the teacher to break out into Eileen Brennan mode.
I think this season is probably going to be drama filled. But, I may just have to stick with Leia’s awesome recaps.
2muchbravo – LOL with the W&G reference – I would love to see an Eileen Brennan moment with Sheree’s teacher, complete with a smoker voice: “What was that, Bitch?” as Sheree finishes her monologue…
Hubby and I would bust out laughing when Ms. Brennan was on the show – she was hilarious…
Fantastic recap Leia!! So glad you are back!! Is it just me or is Kandi starting to resemble Fantasia? Maybe it’s the hair, but to me that is what Fantasia will look like in about 10 years and 20 more pounds.
So Kim has been chasin’ dick since she got out of the womb and hopes to instill the same morals she learned as a kid? Yep, guess we’ll be seeing Brielle on “16 & Pregnant” in a couple of years.
Again, fantastic recap Leia! Are you recapping the Bev Hills ho’s? That’s the one I’m waiting on!
Phadre’s (whatever)upper lip is HUGE! Good Grief! And she thinks she’s pretty. I do think she will me a major shitay stirrer with the group.
I think NENE’s boobs are larger than last year but it may be cause she’s just got them off her knees (could they be any droopier last year). I just can’t stand her loud mouth (and hair). Hate Kandi’s hair and tell Kim Farrah called from the grave and wants her 70′s wig back.
Phaedra: you douchebucket….there is NO “goddess of light” and Phaedra means bright, or “shiny one”
Phaedra says they have to decide on a name for their first baby and that she doesn’t like “weird names” that no one can spell or pronounce. Whatever, Phaedra. She likes “Richard”, “Parker” and “Seth”. Seth? Really? Why not just name the kid “Caucasian”?!
I haven’t finished the whole recap yet but LMAOOO!!!! I was thinking the same thing when she was listing off those names. The hypocrisy of looking down on more “colorful” names when yours is Phaedra and you’re with someone named Apollo is hilarious as well. This recap is amazing! Love it.
sorry, i didn’t finish..as I AM Greek…there is NO goddess of light IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY…maybe there is ONE IN YOUR HEAD…you dumb#$%*
@margo: LOL… I think Phaedra’s mother pulled a fast one!
I’ll admit, when I was studying greek mythology in 9th grade, I fell in love with the characters and names and said I would name my daughters Pyrrha and Danae! Pyrrha survived a flood for 40 days in a chest of drawers (ala Noah’s Ark) and Danae was impregnated immaculately (ala Virgin Mary). I could be a bit off in the story..9th grade was a long time ago, but I’m so glad I didn’t have a child then. Could you imagine? lol
I did consider giving my daughter a Yoruba name (Yoruba is a Nigerian/West African tribe like the Igbo [where Stacie's dad comes from]..many African-Americans are descendants of these two tribes via the slave trade). The name was Aja (Ah-zha) after a goddess/patroness of the forest and animals, the description/name i’d found in a baby name book. But my mom asked a Yoruba woman she knew and the lady said it meant dog!! Ha-ha! I googled it, and yes, it was part of a larger phrase that did in fact mean dog. So, I stopped trusting baby name books and went with a simple Welsch name, Rhys. The meaning, which, I googled extensively.
I had a friend who named her daughter Aja after the Steely Dan album/song. I always said if I have a set of twin boys, I want to name them Deacon Blue and Patrick Gray, after the song, my mom, and the colors of the South!
Is Aja from the Steely Dan song pronounced like Asia? Because I remember reading up on it as I was trying to prove my mom and her friend wrong, that it meant goddess of nature, not dog! On a weird sidenote, I remember Kim (and Kandi, I think) last season eating lunch at a restaurant named Aja. Does anyone else remember this?
It is pronounced A-jah, the “j” is pronounced and it doesn’t sound like the continent.
Ok. I see my error. I just googled the Atlanta restaurant where they shot last season and it is called Aja and pronounced Asia, after the type of cuisine they serve.
What you guys fail to realize is that Phaedra’s PARENTS are responsible for her name!
I can understand why she would want a less colorful name for her child; as a lawyer, I’m sure she realizes about appearances and how her child will be taken more seriously once they become an adult in the workforce.
Maybe I was the only one not freaked out by Brielle’s eating habits…. I just took it that she was adjusted to the cameras being in her face and didn’t give a shit. What I found amusing was that Kim didn’t realize her daughter had two Facebook pages and was stunned that it was even a possibility.
@Derek: my 1st sentence was “I think Phaedra’s mother pulled a fast one!” Meaning, I know it was her mom who named her that and also who misinterpreted the name’s meaning. (But then again, Google didn’t exist back then and we all know we can’t fully rely on baby name books, lol)
There was a discussion several weeks/months ago about names and how they affect success. I can see how some people may want to assimilate and give their kids name like Seth and Parker because they think it will make them more socially acceptable, but isn’t Phaedra a succesful woman? Did her name hinder her in any way? Isn’t Oprah Lucrecia Winfrey successful? Or, Condaleeza Shameka Rice? I can understand Phaedra not naming her kids Bonquishanaquatoya and Toreykamardin but I don’t think a kid has to be named Seth or Richard to be taken seriously in the workforce, either. Three of my lawyer friends (former classmates) are named Tanasha, Aisha, and Latrice..and they are very successful ladies working at reputable firms in NYC.
Like many other posters I was disgusted by Brielle’s eating habits. I kept waiting for Kim to say something, and she never did. I also have a 13 year old daughter, and she had better manners as a toddler than Brielle does now. I guess I shouldn’t expect much considering who her mother is. I’m not liking Phaedra so far. She seems like a big phony. I want season 1 NeNe back, she has changed a lot, and not for the better.
phaedra = francine from american dad
I read NeNe had a breast lift..that may account for them looking larger? They still aren’t as big as her mouth and never will be!
Legitimate acting classes held in private residence? A theater maybe, a school, or office – but a private residence? Really made it look more fake than it actually is!
Another season with Leia “casually” mentioning her teen model glory days every chance she gets & randomly bolding every other word? No thanks! New recapper please!
My thoughts are if you’re not happy with something specific the recaper includes, post along with your opinion and insight’s regarding why you disagree. If you just don’t like the recaper, don’t read it and don’t comment. Skip this season here and do a google search. there’s lots of recap’s and with a little work, you can find someone without a history in modeling.
@gia – forget it! I enjoy reading Leia and appreciate her snark and wit. I also realize that just *perhaps* Leias mentioning her teen modeling glory days is what is known as ‘schtick’.
Love you Leia!! Keep up the great work!
@What?: My God, I didn’t think they could GET any bigger than they were last season!! It’s funny, every time a new season starts, people think NeNe’s breasts are bigger. Maybe we just forget how huge they were.
When I was in my “acting period,” I took private acting lessons from a local theater actor. We either met at his home or mine.
@Gia is certainly free to express her opinion about the recapper, and Leia does seem to be a lightning rod of sorts. But, Gia, you probably don’t realize that Leia is one of the favorite recappers around these parts, so your plea will no doubt fall on deaf ears. She does have her little schtick, as @ohralphie has observed, and many of the other recappers do as well. For instance, the much-beloved Twunty had her ongoing talk about how she earned “fine joory” from her hubby. JMo, Flipit, SexyPanda, BBitz and others have their ways of expressing their personalities and viewing the shows through the lens of their personal lives and experiences. That’s why they’re good. Not everyone is going to be your cup of tea, or mine.
Personally, I love ‘em all because they manage to snark on the shows and people while hardly ever descending into mean-spiritedness or hatefulness. Good job, y’all!
You can get Kandi’s cute sweater @ BeBe..circa 2009. Wonderful recap
@Pixielated: Well said.
For the most part, most of us come here because we like the recapper but alternate opinions are just as valid. I also say, keep up the good work, Leia. And no matter how hard they come at you, rather than fight fire with fire, or even second-guess yourself, take a verse from Kandi’s song, “I Fly Above”:
I am so comfortable in the skin I’m in, I’m secure about who I am, so you go ahead and talk all you wanna,
I built up a shell and it’s hard as armor.
It seems like every step I take up,
drama comes along with the bread I cake up.
But you ain’t doing nothin if you don’t have haters,
so I welcome you to do what’s in your nature.
I fly above all the drama,
I I fly above, I I fly above,
it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me.
So I fly above all the haters, I I fly above, I I fly above, I I fly above, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me, it’s beneath me.
Such a great song. I know Kandi said she was revamping her album post-AJ, as she is now in a different ‘place’, but I hope she includes that one..the tune is really catchy.
Oh, and I was in Melbourne last week and saw nothing even remotely close to the caliber of a former teen model. So your ex is definitely slumming.
Oprah’s middle name is Gail. I am reading the book by Kitty Kelly right now. I know, a little late but my Mom and Sis read it first.
Oprah Gail Lee is on her birth certificate. With Vernon Winfrey as her father.
Robin
“You ain’t nothin if you don’t have haters” ? WTF?
I rekon I try to be nothin then…
Robin
Scratch that..I think I want to be Aint nothing.. I think..
Either way, Oprah is as uncommon a name as Phaedra or Condaleeza and their names have not hindered their success. Can we agree on that?
Also, I think the song’s line is “you aint DOING nothin’ if you don’t have haters..
In Greek mythology, Phaedra (which means “bright,” which ain’t bad) fell in love with her husband Theseus’s son, Hippolytus. When he spurned her, she told Theseus he had raped her, and he killed Hippolytus.
It’s kind of a pretty name, though.
I agree that unusual names don’t seem to hold children back. I think that it helps if they know the significance of the name and what it means (at least to their family) and are taught to be proud of their own and their name’s uniqueness. It also helps if the name doesn’t resemble something vulgar or off-color (like “Mulva” in Seinfeld).
I remember when there was a study that found that resumes with “white sounding” names like Seth, Ethan, Emily, etc. were more likely to get calls than the same resumes with “black sounding” names like Lakeisha, Aisha, Darnell, or whatever. My feeling is, well, I think they are going to figure out that you are black when they interview you! Maybe you are a “stealth” black person, though, if your name is Ryan or Ashley. (LOL)
I knew a woman named “Zita” who wanted to give her daughter a “normal” name. I can just imagine what the kids called poor little Zita. And I can also understand that parents want to make everything easy for their babies.
The problem with African names is that there are so many languages, dialects, and variations that words may have different meanings, depending on who you ask. BTW there is a beautiful actress on the series “Undercovers” whose first name is “Gugu.” I think it is a shortened version of a name that means something nice, but to our ears, it sounds like babytalk.
Once again, @Pixielated, well said! And LOL at the story behind Phaedra’s name..that’s almost as bad as naming your kid Medea! ha-ha
You are absolutely brilliant!!! And your cultural references, everything, you do is absolutely fantastic!!! I love your writing!! Leia!!! Welcome back and stay forever!!
Does anyone know why we missed out on the other new girl this week? I want to know what her deal is, why do so many men want to marry her, and why she apparently ditched them for a man approximately 30 years her senior. There was waaaay too much Fakedra in my opinion. I don’t want to full-on hate on her already, but she did get on my nerves. I forgot who specifically said that she isn’t so much a “lawyer to the stars”, but a “get out of jail free” card to the rappers. LOL, right on.
Dwight… I really liked him on season 1 and even season 2, but now, like NeNe, he really seems to be a bit full of himself and has become a caricature of his own personality.
@marijai… too funny…Brielle most likely WILL be on “teen mom” in a couple of years, won’t she? I know we all said that her ice cream eating habits would pretty much prevent her from scoring anybody for about thirty years, but I can totally see her with one of those douchebags from “teen”, you know the drop-out, no job, no car, smoking-since-i-was-eight type assholes that consistently knock up the former honor students.
I love Leia, and her schtick of her teen model glory days. Again, I absolutely agree that people are entitled their opinions, but I also agree that those different opinions will most likely fall on deaf ears here.
SO STOKED for Beverly Hills! Camille Grammer… what a joke!
Leia isn’t going anywhere, 50 comments on a first episode of a returning show has to be some sort of record for this site! LOL. I have a feeling, with all the drama, we’ll reach 100 by the finale.
Dwight/Nene deserve each other….
Just saw this article about She by Sheree. Yeah, she’s putting it aside to try her other passion of acting. Riiiiight. Good luck going for that Oscar.
http://straightfromthea.com/2010/02/24/sheree-whitfield-dumps-she-by-sheree-blames-atlanta-for-her-failure/
Dayum, 2muchBravo, you could warn a bitch before you post a link. Sheree scared the crap out of me in that fug black dress. She looked like an ad for Blair Witch. Only thing missing is a broom and little stick people hanging off the cameras. I’ll have to sleep with the lights on again tonight.
Tru dat @mulecity! Blair Witch or a matron at a woman’s prison!!
That ensemmmble isn’t cute!
OMG Leia – I haven’t laughed so hard at a recap in a long time! This is a classic. So glad you are recapping this show. Loved the Tony Curtis line!
Love the recap, Leia! I was thinking I’d skip this installment b/c the NJ & DC Housewives have damn near exhausted me. But who am I kidding? It’s on Bravo and I’m still breathing so here we go! Looking forward to the rest of the season.
Turns out (to the surprise of ummmm EVERYONE)that Sheree’s “doctor” is a fraud. I for one am SHOCKED; SHOCKED I TELL YOU
http://theybf.com/2010/10/12/sheree-whitfields-doctor-date-is-a-fraud
Also, I do not know why but I busted out laughing when I read he was the “professor” on that TBS show The Real Gilligan’s Island. Man, this mess gets sadder every season …
@Faye that’s crazy about Sheree’s “doctor” date! I knew he seemed odd, but he must really be crazy to go on tv claiming he’s a doctor. And the article said he’d even been on Ricki Lake as a relationship expert. It also said claiming to be a psychologist without a license is a crime. Why would he go on tv & do it? A fraud & an idiot! Thanks Faye!
Don’t yell at me but am I the only one who hates Kandi’s voice both speaking and singing? I have to mute her when she sings. Makes my teeth hurt! But I’m also tired of Nene’s obnoxious yelling too.
Still don’t like Phhhhhhdra.
I am not a fan of Kandi’s singing voice either. Kandi has a classic SWATS (Southwest Atlanta) accent. Somehow TH’s turns into a “d” in many words. It’s is also common to leave the last syllable off of words. For some reason it’s cute when guys have that accent but irritates me when girls talk like that.
Khandi has “church voice” that does not translate well for R&B. His Eyes Are on the Sparrow she could probably bring the house down …Queen of the Night – not so much
@Faye..oh how I loved when the choir sang His Eyes Are on the Sparrow down at Mt. Zion Baptist Church! My, hands down, fav gospel song ever. (Even though my baritone voice is more equipped for Wade in the Water. lol)
Thanks Leia, for such a refreshingly spot on recap. These Housewives are running together so much I am afraid we may have to suffer through a Real HouseHo’s from Chigago, Kansas City, Boise, and Salt Lake City. When are they going ot end? Does anyone remember what was on Bravo 5 years ago?
Queer Eye for the Straight Guy
Are there any anthropologists out there? Can anyone tell me what percentage of the average person’s face the mouth should take up when open? Because, based on that first photo from this recap, that NeNe demonette is some kinda disturbing mutant.
Seriously, that shit ain’t right. That glistening, gaping maw. Those monstrous teeth. The piercing emanations. Horror.
Skiffie’s latest B horror movie: She Kong vs. Atlanta: At the Mouth of Hell. (I understand Dean Caine and Kristen Davis are both available to co-star. Lance Henrickson, of course, is a given.)
Leia, you’re back and strutting your literary snark with panache and flair. Luuuuuved the recap. Air kisses on each cheek!
You see Carol Burnett, I see Carol Channing when I see Phaedra. Both actresses are hilarious, just as I expect this future famewreck to be. When I see her in that hat with her pronounced upper lip, I keep expecting her to break out in a rendition of Hello Dolly!. Didn’t think it were possible, this one appears to be more delusional and gradiose than Sheree and NeNe combined. Yes she has the credentials and supposedly the Monae’. But southern lady. Puhleeeeeze! Guess this is another one the real ladies of Atlanta will soon be avoiding. That is, unless they have family members who need “representation”.
Looks like NeNe will take the Tamara Barney “high road less travelled” by publicly dissolving her marriage before a Bravo TV audience.
If one can “technically” be a virgin then one can “technically be celevant”. My money is on Khandi having chosen technical chastity.
Just when I didn’t think it was possible, Sheree has chosen a career that is even less likely to be successful than fashion design…ACTING! I love me some Sherae, her delusion is harmless and enduring. It keeps me in stitches. After her first infomercial appearance, her acting career will be another success for us to resent.
Nice to see Kim is the self-aware devoted model of motherhood she has always been.
Let the fun begin. I’m in for the long haul. The Atlanta Howives always manage to up the craptacular and therefore provide plenty of good no holds barred snark.
My first thought was that 31 year old Kim (29 during the 1st season) should get ready to be a granny. I don’t think her daughter is going to make it to 16. Goddes of Light had to throw some intelegent lawyer talk in with Dwight. BTW, you don’t have to have a written contract to sue. He should go to Judge Judy. I want to say, I am a white girl from Alabama. From this show you would think there were still Jim Crow laws. The South is very intergrated these days.
31 year old Kim – bwahahhaha!! That bitch’s wig is older than that. Those poor daughters of hers are hopefully going to figure out that cheating your friends, fucking married men (and anybody else that comes along) and lying about everything in sight is not the way to be successful in life. Of course, practicing for your career as a porn star while eating ice cream on a tacky reality show doesn’t point to a great future.
What’s up with the bad hair/wigs on this show. All of Kim’s wigs look like Farrah Fawsett wantabees, Khandi’s has that red toupee, and NINI’s toupee that she keeps pushing out of her eyes.