Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap

The Atlanta housewives are back and the same as ever. Nene is still arguing, Kim is still gold digging and the others are still creating ways to stay relevant so they don’t meet the same fate as DeShawn and Lisa of seasons’ past. Sheree is doing a decent job but Phaedra better hurry up and start insulting entire segments of the population because there’s only so long I can overlook her newfound hobby of wearing fascinators at inappropriate times.

We kick things off with everyone’s favorite golden shower, Kim Zolciak. Kim is really pregnant, happy to finally have an excuse for her cellulite and overjoyed at the fact that she found someone with money to knock her up and publicly claim her. For those of you keeping count, this is the third kid and third father. You can really tell that she’s over Big Poppa because she only talks about him for the first 73 minutes of the episode.

Kroy, or as the Mexicans call him El Gringo Suckero, is hauling furniture out of storage so he and Kim can move into their new house. This isn’t just any furniture though. You may recall that Kim had a yard sale last season and sold a lot of stuff but she kept the really good stuff that Big Poppa bought her. I think it’s a little strange that a man would be okay with having his household furnished by the previous man but he’s 25 and allowed to be a complete idiot until his kid is in 2T Garanimals.

Kim and Sweetie hang out in the car while Kroy moves the furniture into the truck. Fortunately, Sweetie has left behind the adage that less is more and has decided to put on clown makeup and wear one of Kim’s fetish wigs under her hat this season.

“This finger would taste so much better if it was soaked in wine and covered in Marlboro ash”.

Nene is busy spending her money from Celebrity Apprentice. You want a drinking game? Take a shot every time you hear anyone say that show title. I guarantee you’ll be drunk enough to get Kim pregnant. Nene is purchasing a vehicle for her oldest son Bryson. You’ll recall that Bryson has not kept steady employment, got arrested and had a short lived career as a party promoter. You don’t remember that scheme? Bryson and 999 other people all put in a dollar to throw a party and then they all split the profits 1,000 ways. Don’t scoff; after the DJ and club fees were paid, he managed to double his investment. I heard he made it rain at the Waffle House that night.

It turns out that Bryson, never one to settle at being a classic underachiever, has elevated himself to Stephanie Tanner status and crashed his truck in the off season. Nene has decided to buy him a new car so he can run errands for her. They settle on a Dodge Charger because she doesn’t feel that he deserves a luxury car and she gets the price down after flirting with her ex-boyfriend/dealership owner. She makes sure to let everyone know that she is paying for the car in “cash money”.

“Haha! I’m an enabler!”

Sheree visits her hairdresser and future lounge singer Lawrence who’s in the studio working on a song about a woman who’s “over it”. Sheree thinks that the song will have crossover appeal. Crossover to whom? Men who don’t wear high heels, lashes and lip stain? I think not! Leave it up to delusional Sheree to pluck fantasies out of thin weaves.

“This song would be perfect for my new record label Tunes by Tunee.”

It’s not all bleached hair and scrunchy faces though; Sheree has some juicy gossip for Lawrence. She’s on the outs with Nene because she tried to “back door” Sheree on an appearance they were going to make. Sheree feels like Nene got a big head from being on Celebrity Apprentice and says that Nene was only picked for being a crazy, irate bitch. And Sheree thinks she’s on RHOA because she’s…eh, not even worth it.

Cynthia’s reading. Who says models can’t act?

Miss J, runway coach to the marginal stars, is meeting with Cynthia to help her get her modeling agency started.

“I’m in Atlanta?! Atlanta Georgia?! I thought I was going to the fabulous lost continent Atlantis. I’m having a fashion stroke.”

Miss J condescendingly mentions that he was just in Dubai and Paris and now he is in Atlanta. He can’t understand why Cynthia moved to Atlanta after modeling all over the world and she explains that it was to appease Peter who threatened to let her blossom and be a fulfilled, happy woman unless she married him. I suppose that the reality is, work is somewhat limited now that she is older, the northeast is expensive and if she has a shoot it’s probably cheaper to fly in and out of the area instead of living there full time. Whatever money she has from modeling will stretch a lot further in Atlanta.

Most of the top models she mentions have either developed TV shows, clothing lines or were fortunate enough to land super rich partners and Cynthia hasn’t. Well she did but she was never smart enough to marry one, get knocked up and then take him for all he’s worth.

Phaedra’s great aunt has passed away but that doesn’t mean it can’t be a fabulous event. Top notch Funeral Director, Willie Watkins, is going to bury Phaedra’s loved one in style. He offers them a dove, men with top hats and a horn player. So they’re going to have the opening act of my high school’s talent show at the funeral. Amazing.

“I also want Mr. Delicious to gently fan my sorrowful bosom whilst his honey drizzled bare chest hovers over me. Any good southern funeral has at least nine strippers.”

Phaedra and her family finalize the funeral details and it includes a vehicle that plays music that everyone outside can hear. I’m still not impressed. My old 1990 Celica did the same thing and it had rims and a tape deck.

Back at the Bailey Agency, Miss J gives the prospective clients a runway lesson. Miss J tells them that it’s their job to put Atlanta on the map because it’s not even in the hemisphere now. Cynthia tells them to not take no for an answer unless they have received a wedding proposal. In that case, they should say yes and then never show up to the ceremony unless they’re in the twilight of their career and need a dramatic storyline for their reality show.

Kandi, thank goodness, has changed her hairstyle. She must have watched the video footage back or a good friend finally stepped in and told her that her hair looked a mess last season. Phaedra, Sheree and Kandi meet up at a sex shop that looks like something off of Rodeo Drive compared to the ones I’ve visited. Mine are usually next to train tracks, with flashing neon lights in the window and movie booths. I learned the hard way that you should never sit down in one of those booths or exchange numbers with anyone who just came out of one.

Kandi’s storyline is all about sex which only seems to excite Sheree’s cobwebbed vagina. I don’t know that this is going to be all that fascinating for an entire season but I suppose Kandi needs an angle since there is no man around for her mother to hate or album to promote. Sheree proves that she’s one small step above useless by refusing to get on the sex wedge at the store owner’s request. You know who does? Phaedra!

She knows that this funeral business story isn’t enough to carry her through another season so she is willing to have some fun and give us those Phaedra sound bites we’ve come to love and hate. Kandi is going to start a line of sex toys including one that will vibrate to the songs on an iPod. She mentions possibly creating entire songs just for this purpose. I don’t know how to say this but don’t Kandi, please don’t. Kandi can sing but the quality of her voice sounds like a chipmunk sitting on, well, a vibrator. I just can’t see myself being turned on by that. “That” meaning her voice; the squirrel is totally making me hot.

I was thinking of doing remixes of my hits: The feminist anthem “The Cock Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing” and the anti-anal sex PSA “Don’t get Behind-a My Vagina”.

Back at Kim’s house, Sweetie is still doing Kim’s bidding which includes bringing her pasta and jalapenos and she still has a hat on – in the house.

Sweetie: I love this permanent hat wig. It really makes my lack of self-respect pop!
Brielle: I wish my mom would stop shaving the middle of my head for wig hair.

Nene catches up with Cynthia, her only friend on the show I think, and tells her about the issue with Sheree. Meanwhile, Kandi visits Phaedra at work and she’s working on her hobby – funeral programs. I know when I’m bored the first thing I do is whip up an obituary or two. Hey, it’s better than working on becoming a more tolerant person.

The day of the funeral, Phaedra has to take care of the details because Willie is at a funeral in California. She has to make sure that the funeral “pops”. Even my mother laughed out loud at that one. Unless the cemetery residents all start an impromptu rendition of “Thriller” there isn’t much popping going on here. A single white dove being hurtled into the air like a football is not impressive; it’s abusive. A group of chain smoking pigeons singing “No Scrubs” while wearing She by Sheree cock rings and blond wigs is what pops!

Or it’s a day at The Wendy Williams Show.

Did you guys see that show? Phaedra was so into making an effort and getting the words right. As I said before, Sheree is borderline useless. She didn’t even sing her verse for karaoke. I don’t even think she knew the song! I love the fact that Wendy pointed out that Sheree can’t sing or dance and I’m going to go ahead and throw in act, make money and live within her means.

Ego inflating pic of me at the Wendy Show in 2009.

It’s time for the big Nene/Sheree showdown. Just to confirm, this is the extent of Sheree’s usefulness. She gives good confrontation and delusion. Nene and Sheree agree that they do not want to get “out of character” with each other which means that they will waste no time in doing just that. The man that they were negotiating with on this appearance is named Tyrone. If they had just listened to Erykah Badu they would have known that calling him was a bad idea.

Sheree booked an event with Tyrone and when he contacted Nene to book her too, Nene supposedly said that she could have gotten Sheree cheaper and Nene would have taken money off the top. On the one hand, Tyrone could have been saying that to talk down Sheree’s appearance fee. Then again, I could see Nene doing something like that to get more money. Then again, if Sheree’s fee was already negotiated, what would be the point of Nene mentioning that after the fact? Furthermore, I have seriously spent several minutes of my life analyzing this and that means the terrorists have won. Every season starts off with either a Nene, Sheree and/or Kim argument so I think I’m being played by the producers. The conversation goes nowhere.

“You tried to take money out of my pocket. As a fellow Black woman, that was wrong.”

“I eat Black women for breakfast. Did you not see Celebrity Apprentice?”

“I’m gonna call Tyrone!”

“You can’t use my phone.”

“I don’t need it. I have the ultimate phone: A Blackberry!”

“That is so 2009. These are Trump diamonds on an iPhone 4 bitch!”

“Oh damn.”

“Well, at least I have nice teeth. Mine are She by Sheree exclusives, darling!”

“I’m so damn rich, I bought teeth that can’t even fit into my mouth!”

Basically, we learn nothing more except that Nene will talk over any and every one in order to avoid really answering the questions. I have to say though, Nene comes out on top only because Sheree stoops to grade school insults and starts saying that Nene had rotten teeth, couldn’t afford name brand clothes years ago and had her first car repossesed.

What’s worse? Having tons of stuff after marrying an athlete and then losing it all or working your way up in life so that you can have nicer things based on your own merits? I’m not saying that Nene did this all on her own and that some of her actions haven’t been questionable but newfound fame is a result of her creating a personality and running with it. Sheree has failed to do the same and it does come across as jealousy. If Sheree had stuck to the facts, she would have come out the winner but we also wouldn’t have had our traditional kick off argument.

Nene runs to her friend Cynthia for comfort.

“I cut my own bangs today, with these hands! Models are versatile.”

I’m gonna act like I didn’t just hear her say that.

Taking a cue from fellow model, Kelly Bensimon, Cynthia feels that everyone who started with Nene is jealous that she is up here and they’re down there. She really said that and I couldn’t believe my good fortune. Between the friendship contract, marrying Peter and quoting Kelly, I’m hoping that Cynthia becomes the wild card of this franchise and provides more little gems like this. Nene cries, Cynthia laments her decision to make her forehead look larger than usual and Nene vows to fly above all the haters. They’re beneath her…much like Kandi’s singing vibrator. Nene’s closing thought of the day: I’m not gonna stab you in the back. I’ma stab you in the chest. I actually love it with the exception of the fact that it’s brutal, unladylike and possibly incriminating.

This season looks a little less explosive than others but good nonetheless. There’s Kim’s baby, her alleged racism, Apollo arguing with Peter, Nene dating a new man(!), the new semi-regular Marlo who has been in jail and is dating Nene’s supposed ex and Sheree fighting her ex for money that she knows he doesn’t have. What do you think so far? I can’t wait to see Nene dating and this new Marlo chick.