RHOA: Please, Make It Stop

Hello dear Gasmii–

Here we are. Again. It’s not over yet? Really? At this point I feel like I have spent more time with these women than their spouses, mamas, assistant/slaves, fiances (living AND dead), spoiled chubby children AND Miss Andy Bobblehead Cohen combined. My friends have been in marriages that didn’t last as long as Season 3 of The RHOA. If I had lost half a pound for each episode this season, I would be a skeleton with hair extensions and implants (slightly huge C-cups but I’m 5’9″ and carry it off).

Hour 37 2 kicks off with Bobble introducing a sex-talk clip-package. Who knew that Kandi was a “supa-freak”, Bobble Sue giggles, reminding us that using ghetto expressions isn’t exactly her forte. I’m not sure what is, unless you count crowbarring oneself into one’s own network’s programming as if hostessing chat shows is as disposable a skill as starring in reality shows. Memo to Bobblina: It isn’t. A “Freak Number” discussion then occurs. Kandi’s an “8 or 8.5″ but she insists Sheree’s is higher…

Phaedra, however, is the only one who’ll admit to trying the ole sugar-in-your-snatch trick– “it’s delicious!” Phae chirps.

Did someone TELL Phaedra that about her own gooey gash, or is she confessing she’s lezzed out? She doesn’t say, merely admitting she has “a hot husband” and is “willing to try some thangs”. Amen, sistah. If I had Apollo on the payroll, I’d be willing to shove packed meat up my vag if that’s what he felt like. In fact, I was stuck in traffic yesterday and imagined a threesome between myself, Big A and Mauricio from RHOBH. What?? Howard Stern was on vacation.

A viewer and/ or Bravo intern named Lee asks what Kandi’s mom Joyce‘s Freak Number is. Very low, Kandi replies. She’s “old-school”. Likewise, Phaedra says she never discusses sex with her mother– so Pastor Rotunda‘s low on the freak scale, unless you’re talking about carnival sideshows. Bobble Ann turns to NeNe, who came across as “a prude” during all the naughty-talk this season. NeNe says unlike Kandi she never had “the talk” with her mother, so it’s a safe bet she never dildo-shopped for the lady, either. Bobbette points out that NeNe admitted to being a stripper in her book, so she must have some kind of sexual freedom buried somewhere under the layers of plastic surgery scars and bitchiness. That was in a book, NeNe (bitchily) replies, not sitting around gabbing with the girls. Whateva, heifa. And how ’bout Kim, Bobblouise asks. Wiggy “seemed surprised”– and disgusted– whenever the convo turned to cocks ‘n’ coozes. Kim primly declares that talking about nasty things like golden showers disturbs her. Well, I’m sure a lot of people who love piss-play are disturbed that she’ll be soon be raising a third child.

Bobbleangela asks Kandi if she’s still celibate (no) and who ended her dry spell (none of your gay business), and a viewer wants to know if Kandi ever gets down with women– maybe she can’t say no to Kim because Kandi has a crush on her! Kim rolls her eyes and Kandi flatly denies it– Kandi eats with those hands, people. Some asshole emails some slam about how “women of class” shouldn’t be talking about “sugar in the vajayjay” because “it grosses me out”. “Women of class”?! What show are THEY watching? Phaedra, who I’m liking more and more, says she would have that conversation in the privacy of her own “dinner table”, but not “in the local pub”. Bobblana was delighted by Phae’s fascination with strippers on the show. Phae admits to having had “the pleasure” of representing adult entertainers, including “very famous” porn stars. Maybe she knows Blackzilla!

Just when things start to get interesting, Bobblucy changes the subject to Sheree, her terrible acting career and terrible boyfriend record. Cue Sheree CP. How did that movie she was supposedly cast in during the season finale go? They’re still “working on the funding” for that particular project. Quelle shock. Another pesky viewer dares to question Her Ladyship about her supposedly repo’d fancy car. Sheree snips that the car was not repossessed, it was seized in a judgment against her by her divorce lawyer…

So she stiffed an attorney, not a car dealership. How dare you imply otherwise!??

Speaking of cheap bitches, why was NeNe so tight when it came to donating at Sheree’s charity dance recital? You were probably asleep by then, but NeNe not only coughed up the insulting bare minimum, but she bullied the rest of the table into giving less. NeNe defensively and unconvincingly disputes this. So far her likeability has actually dropped from last week’s Reunion Part One.

Next up, a Varying Styles of Motherhood CP, with Kim the natural loser in this department. NeNe points this out by classifying her own tough-love of wastrel lummox son Bricen as “black parenting”– in a direct swipe at white, permissive Kim, NeNe says she doesn’t want to be her kids’ friend, and she “lays down the law at all times”…

…Of course that fails to apprise us of exactly how Brice became an unemployed failed-club-promoter pothead jailbird college dropout in the first place.

If I were Kim (and I never am except Halloween 2009) I’d throw Brice back in NeNe’s smug puss, but Wiggy’s not quite quick enough for that. Bobblicia asks if Brice has broken NeNe’s heart. Making mistakes is part of becoming an adult, NeNe replies. If that’s the case, Brice should be Gramps‘s age. And what about the rumor that Brice has knocked up one of his hoochies, Bobblizabeth bombshells (!!!!). NeNe prissily snips that that’s Brice’s business, “you’d have to ask him”. But if it is true, NeNe’s happy that he’s an adult now and not one of those irresponsible, reckless, loser “teen fathers”. Yeah, he missed that by about a year. If only they were still taping when Bricey let NeNe in on THAT blessed news. No wonder she’s been on the rag the whole night.

I just hope the baby takes after his mother in the looks department because otherwise they’re gonna diaper the wrong end.

Then things take a sad turn when a viewer asks Kandi about daughter Riley‘s relationship with her estranged father. Kandi tearfully opens up about the tot’s pain at being rejected by her rotten deadbeat dad and explains that Kim being in a similar situation is what bonded her and Wiggy as friends. Kim says she left Ariana‘s father when Kim was “7 months pregnant” and that this asshole is being a tool somewhere in Connecticut at the moment…

…I tell you, Gasmii, it’s enough to turn anyone into a golddigging, chain-smoking tramp.

 

Well, not anyone. Kandi actually supports herself and her daughter without prostitution. The weeping continues as Cynthia discusses her daughter’s close relationship with Cyn’s ex, hot Oz star Leon, and how difficult it was for her to separate them by moving to Atlanta from New York. Thanks a lot, Gramps. Sheree also has a deadbeat ex who pays even less attention to her kids than she does and had the balls to let her know he was relocating to L.A. via text. Alright, can we please get some cat-fighting on up in heah??! Jesuscristo!

Bobblorna’s also all Oprah‘d out… and probably very bored… let’s be honest– the only kids he’s likely to have are 18 and sent by an escort agency…

…turning to ultimate viewer obsession “Phaedra’s mysterious due date”, which gives you some idea of how dull this season really was. Roll the Phaenocchio clip package! Bobblatoya demands once and for all: Did Phae know the die date or not? Yes, ma’am, she did. OK, good. Is this the new, charming, reasonable, likeable Phaedra talking? And… that’s a no. Phakedra‘s back, albeit still speaking in the same warm, agreeable tone she’s been using all night. Don’t forget– she IS a Top Adult Entertainment Attorney, so she’s got lots of tricks up her dress. Phae could get off sort of easy by blaming holy fritter-roller Mama Rotunda for the whole mess. As you’ll recall if you have no life, Mama don’t cotton to the premarital sex, so that MIGHT explain fudging the due date on TV. But Phae says that’s not it. Instead she tells Bobblesther that the pregnancy was plagued with problems and Phae wasn’t sure she wouldn’t miscarry. “At no point in time during my pregnancy did anyone care about ME as a person. Everyone was more concerned with gossiping, so I didn’t feel comfortable with that.”

OK, that makes NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. No expert on lady-parts anyway, Bobblauralee is understandably confused by this response. Cynthia pipes up, saying she didn’t think asking a pregnant woman when she was due was some kind of intrusive faux pas. Phae continues to babble nonsense about amniocenteses, being on TV and “making decisions” about the pregnancy. A viewer/Bravo intern puts it to her bluntly: When did Apollo get out of prison, when were they married, and when was the baby born? “Simple math– come clean already!” Well said, intern. “He got out, I believe it was May,” Phae pretends to try to recall. “We were engaged in July? And we got married November 1st.” “So you were married when you got pregnant,” Bobbleveplumb says. “Well, when you go back… no, I might have been a month pregnant when I got married.” “Might have”?!? Oh, for fuck’s sake. What is the big hairy deal, lady??! NeNe makes this face:

Phae amends: “A month and a half pregnant.” Notice that the time keeps growing like an embryo. Or The Blob. Clearly, we’re getting nowhere fast, so how about an Apollo clip package? Bobblorettaswit perks right up. You know she has this CP on her iPhone for easy wacking access. Phae says that NeNe talked the most trash about her humpable HUZZZZ-bin, which NeNe squawkingly denies. “Ah lahk Apollo! Ah don’t care how many times he was arrested, incarcerated and forced to barter penis for commissary, MMMMM-hmmm! Dat his BID-ness!”" Speaking of, a viewer demands to know Apollo’s crime. “RICO… Racketeering. Organized crime,” Phae bluntly snips. So did he work for gangsters? Or gangstas? Or “Rico Suave” 90′s footnote Gerardo?

Who, true story, your Recap Artist once banged, despite his crimes against Latin pop crossovers.

And guess who was “very” upset at the “inference” that he might be a big closet queen since he apparently had some sort of innuendo-laced friendship with Sheree’s weave queen and aspiring transvestite pop star Flawrence?

That’s right!

“Last time I checked, The Taliban wasn’t running things in Hatervillle,” Bobblisamarie declares, trying to be sassy. Lucky for Bobble, or she’d be skewered rectum-first on a pike at the H-ville city limits.

Bobble Jean is obviously determined to liven things up by combing through every scrap of embarrassing Phaedra phootage, so now our Top Porn Attorney must answer for the provocative pickle photos taken by Bruce Vilanch-lookalike and superstar photographess Spark St. Jude. These stills of Apollo and Phae phellating girthy gherkins were simply a play on the hoary cliche of preggos craving crunchy cucumber preserves– that’s all. So get your minds out of that dicksucking/gay HUZZ-bin gutter, Gasmii! And you, too, Kimbo. Stop making this face:

Next up, a “Poor Kandi”/”Kim As Pop Star Wannabe/Megacunt” clip package. If one thing stood out this season, besides NeNe being an asshole, it was Kim being a nightmare from the moment she started criticizing the new song she forced Kandi to write (“The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing”) to her rude, lazy, abusive behavior on their hellish mini-concert-tour bus voyage. Kandi konfirms that her lawyers and Wiggy’s mouthpieces have been in recent contact to try to straighten out the tangled saga of “The Ring” so it can be released and Kandi can start getting compensated for her hours and eons of spec work on the song. Kandi says she thought Kim should have waited until the track was finished before criticizing it, which made Kandi’s “blood boil”. Cyn thinks it’s OK for Kim to complain about the song, but she did it the wrong way. No shit, supamodel!

Mia (Farrow, I’m assuming) has had enough of sitting back with her developmentally disabled brood and watching Kim act like a twat and emails disbelief that the HW’s can’t come out and admit that Kim can’t sing one goddamn note. About Kim, Phae says “This woman is not a vocalist” but “has some curb appeal.”

She’s like a big gaudy tract mansion in a cheezy nouveau-riche gated community and has had just as many contractors inside her.

And how ’bout Kim’s distasteful greed when it comes to Kandi’s instrumental role in her pop-star career, such as it is? Kim sighs, rolls her eyes, and tries to flip her wig, but it weighs 80 pounds, so she can’t. “Long story short,” Kim says. “I was giving Kandi 33% of the gross sales [of 'Tardy'] and my lawyer’s like [scoffing]: ‘What are you DOING?! That’s not how it works. It was supposed to be 33% of publishing.” Cut to Kandi, who actually DOES know how it works, looking like she really wants to step in and set the bitch straight. So she tries: “Normally, you have a producer agreement and you have your publishing, which is separate from that.” Kandi and her peeps “wiped out” all those producing fees because they thought they were splitting it three ways. So Kandi felt like Kim was trying to accuse Kandi of taking advantage of Kandi’s talented ass, and since then, Kandi hasn’t seen one dime of the publishing, despite continuing income generated by the undeniably catchy trash-disco ditty.

Bobblaurynhill wants to know how much money “Tardy for the Party”‘s made. Kim claims ignorance but Kandi estimates $80-100K “at least“. Kandi has seen only 3 or 4K. OMFG, that money-grubbing blonde whore. Kandi becomes emotional again, saying she doesn’t “like to argue about money with friends, but what irritated me” was Kim listening to her lawyer’s advice to keep all the cash when Kandi’s the one who put up all the money, rewrote the song and got it produced. Kim is in hyper-defensive, selfish-cunt mode and won’t give Bobblatifah a straight answer about how she should rectify this gross injustice and mend her supposedly great friend and musical mentor’s hurt feelings. Bobbledithbunker asks if Kim thinks SHE’S somehow “more valuable” to “this process” than Kandi. Huh? Kim says. What? No comprendo, Senorita! Kandi feels they should let the lawyers take care of all the business from now on.

Kim, still not getting it, indignantly squawks that “Basically, I’m looking like I don’t pay Kandi, I don’t appreciate ‘Tardy for the Party’, I hate ‘The Ring Didn’t Mean a Thing’, I didn’t like the track, I’m playing it for other people. Like, all this is insane to me.” Well, then why the fuck did you do exactly that?!? She’s vile. Enough with Kim VS Kandi, now it’s time for Kim VS NeNe. Roll the Clash of the Twatans package! Bobble Jo: Have Kim & NeNe spoken since the season finale? No. Did Kim REALLY feel threatened when NeNe lunged at her on the bus? Yes, but since Kim now knows NeNe is capable of trying to strangle her to death, she wasn’t caught as “off-guard”. What got NeNe so “hopped up” on that bus? NeNe: Kim’s “verbal abuse”. “You got loud first,” Kim interrupts. NeNe gets testy (and loud) and they bicker…

…and we look around for any medication our Xmas houseguests might have left behind just to medicate ourselves against this same tired yappy horseshit.

NeNe says Sheree knows Kim can hit “below the belt” because Kim did it to S on Ellen DeGeneres. The show, I’m guessing, but considering Kim’s fondness for boyish annoying lesbians, anything’s possible. Sheree politely demurs since she wasn’t on the bus. Bobble Jane asks if NeNe thinks she herself doesn’t hit below the belt. NeNe launches into an incredibly disingenuous apology to her family and friends for sinking to that “trash level”. But NeNe will never “apologize to Kim”. Which is so sad, since Kim clearly has a fondness for the good times she and NeNe shared at the beginning of this season, before it all went so terribly wrong. Again. Kim wishes NeNe well. Tough toenails, NeNe still hates Kim.

Any final self-promotion from the gals?

Her Ladyship is “revamping She by Sheree” and will be exhibiting her top fashion design skills very soon! That pony is in the ground and starting to decay, honey– put your riding crop away. We beg you.

Phaedra’s “in the process of purchasing a funeral home“. That way when her shady law clients meet their frequent untimely ends she can bill them one last time. “Let me bury you,” Phae purrs to a slightly skeeved-out Bobblunesta.

Kandi’s new solo CD has gotten “rave reviews” and she’s considering a line of Kandi-Koated sex toys. Let’s hope one of them is a vibrating Bobble Arlene Cohen Bobblehead.

Cynthia’s thinking of opening “a modeling school”. If you need a spicy, tactless ex-teen-model Recap Artist, say so because I would love to get the fuck out of Hollyweird. Plus you’ll need someone with lots of soap opera and horror movie experience when you have to hide Gramps’s body.

Kim’s squeezing another lost soul into the world in 4 months, so we look forward to her forcing Sweetie to start lactating. Along with plenty of candid shots of Kroy‘s monumental bare rump when the Season 4 camera crews move into the Biermann-Zolciak tract mansion.

And as for NeNe, she’s currently being obnoxious on the too-trashy-for-even-me Celebrity Apprentice. (But how much like a space alien does Star Jones look??!) So it’s over. Finally. But I don’t believe it. There’s got to be a Lost Footage “special” lurking in the Bravo sked in the next week or two. Right, Bobble?

And I’d be an enormous bitch to not go there with you. Meanwhile, you can find me at Horrorgasm!

Besos,
LLB