RHOA: Pre-Natal Prevarication

Recaps

By Leia LaBiblia | Saturday, November 13, 2010 | 10:15 am | 47 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

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Que Pasa Gasmii???!
Crisp, chilly-nighted autumn has come to Hollywood and there’s nothing I enjoy more than slipping into my cashmere Diane von Furstenberg Snuggie, pouring myself a flute of cava and kicking back in front of the 55-inch plasma for a two-hour Dateline about a mousy mustachioed Tennessee wife who was so traumatized by anal sex and forced porn-watching that she shot her preacher husband in the back, packed the kids up in the minivan and drove to the beach as he lie dying in boxer shorts on the bedroom carpet. But that’s not what TVgasm‘s paying me for, are they?

Recording studio. Kandi tells her assembled audio team– producer Focus, and engineers Selasi and Blue– that she wants to “develop” “an openly gay male artist”, apparently since her openly female drag queen “artist” Kim has done so well with “Tardy for the Party”. Kandi’s hetero posse clenches its collective anus at the idea, looking supremely uncomfortable, and then Lawrence totters through the door on stripper clogs and I am seriously wonder if someone spiked my diet Red Bull with blotter acid. Who knew Sheree’s Hair Gay was an aspiring musical superstar?!?!?? Expert weave queen, master sycophant and cunning cross-dresser, yes… but singer? WTF!?

If the str8 dudes recognize Lawrence from DL craigslist hook-ups, they keep it to themselves. Kandi orders her new pillow-biting protege to show off his vocal prowess, and Lawrence busts out with an obligingly public domain Whitney Houston song choice, “The Star-Spangled Banner”. Kandi tells us that Flawrence is an ex-classmate of hers from performing arts high school, and she sees him as the “RuPaul of the next generation”. Still smarting from the ungrateful treatment she received from La Zolciak’s lazy ass, Kandi wants to know if Flawrence is “willing to put in the work”. Flaw confesses that he has some “real grown-lady bills to pay”, but he’s committed to cutting down the going-down from his down-time to achieve LGBTR&B excellence. And what with everything Sheree touches turning to steaming piles lately, Flaw should have plenty of time to blossom from a transvestite caterpillar into a beautiful iTunes dance chart butterfly!

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“See, Kim, it’s like Showgirls. He’s Elizabeth Berkley, you’re Gina Gershon.”

Kandi explains she plans to launch a Kandi-Koated Entertainment Empire with or without shiftless, hairless wig-spokesmodel/disco diva Kim, who is NOT signed to Kandi’s label. Is Flaw willing to go all the way and make his association with Kandi legal, unlike any same-sex marriage he may want here in oh-so-progressive Georgia. Kandi’s been whipping up a bangin’ homo-empowering club ditty seemingly titled “Closet Freak”, which may or may not be in association with epically bankrupt ex-RH Lisa Wu Hartwell‘s clothing line of the same name. If not, expect Attorney-to-Da-Thugz Phaedra to issue an immediate “cease to resist” to block the name. Maybe Kandi can recruit Apollo (Mr Phaedra) and Dwight to form a pop supergroup known as Destiny’s Child Molester. (This is The South, Kandi– know your audience!)

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“Alls I know is that in Showgirls, the sweet, talented black girl everyone liked got the shit raped outta her. So you better come up with a song I can sing, bitch.”

Kandi says the song will be relatable to everyone keeping themselves in some sort of closet, including mistresses. So you’re working with Kim again, Flaw cracks, just as Wiggy flounces in, ostensibly to try to get Kandi to turn some shit into high-end truffles with the oh-so-clever, Kimmel-koined koncept, “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing”. Kim sits there and pouts as Kandi explains what she has in mind for Flaw. “I think that Lawrence is going to only be able to reach a certain audience,” interviews the woman who recently writhed in a giant martini glass in front of 10,000 hopped-up homos at Palm Springs‘ notorious White Party (aka The Fruit & Drug Administration). It’s a classic case of the douche-nozzle calling the glory-hole queer. “Good luck in Kansas!” Kim tells us/Flaw. Whatever, Fuzz-Bumper of Dorothy.

Flawrence assures them he has lots of sexy moves under his pashmina and Kandi agrees that her new openly gay male star has the talent and “work ethic” to become a success. Unlike some people. Flaw grabs his purse and sashays out, to Kim’s great relief. Focus asks Kim if she’s ready to make a new record. Kandi tells Kim they’ve been “working out something new for you”. Kandi tells them to hit it, then sings along (well) to a pumping new track: “The ring didn’t mean a thing to you/I see you’re out there still doing your thing/So keep the ring and run free”. “That’s high,” Kim grouses, whining that it’ll be “rough” for her to sing it. Kim interviews that “‘Tardy for the Party’ was instantly perfect, but ‘The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing’– I don’t love it. I need another hit.” You also need about 10,000 hours of vocal lessons and a dollop of gratitude, slut.

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“You know what? Lawrence may have ‘a voice’, but you can’t go out and just buy titties like mine. Oh, wait…”

I’m not sure if this is a reaction to Kandi’s new cultivation of Flawrence, sophomore-slump jitters, or genuine boredom over the song, but Kim’s the one who stuck Kandi with that tired title/concept. And who the hell else is going to put up with the talentless sow? Kandi tells us that ‘Tardy’ “was a really easy song to sing, but this time around I wanted to challenge her a little bit, so she’s gonna have to put in WORK for this song.” In the studio, Kandi seems rightfully annoyed at Kim’s pissy response to Kandi’s work on “The Ring”. “This scares me,” Kim pouts. Yes, getting exposed as a total lazy cheap fraud is terrifying. Just ask Selma Blair. (No, I don’t have any specifics… I just can’t stand her.)

NeNe’s tract mansion. Speaking of po’ pitiful good-fo’-nuthin’s, let’s check in with NeNe’s wastrel son Brice, who recently begged to move back home for 90 days to get his shit together. NeNe finds the ex-teen relaxing at the pool table on Day 30 of the 90. NeNe tells him to pull his damn pants up, then berates him for bumming around jobless asking her for money every day. Of course he “too coo’” to work at Cold Stone or Best Buy or any of those soulless chain giants at which young people are constantly giving us bad service. He sulkily asks NeNe if she knows any “club owners” who can perpetuate his chosen field of club “promotion”, with all the free hooch, weed, pills and skanks that this career entails. Perhaps to Brice’s surprise, NeNe says yes, she DOES know a club owner, Cynthia’s elderly fiance Peter. Maybe that’s why NeNe let Peter drunkenly accuse her of ruining her marriage by sexually freezing out Gregg (Mr NeNe) without kicking his ass at the Mother’s Day party last week.

NeNe says she wants Brice “to be 25 and successful and I’m gonna ride him like a cowboy until he gets it.” Expect plenty of saddle-sores then. NeNe tells him she’ll “hook you up with Peter, then I’m done. Get it together.”

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“Down on my knees/I wanna take you there/In the midnight hour/I can feel your power…”

Park. Cynthia takes her daughter Noelle to the park for a supervised visit with the girl’s father, actor Leon Robinson, also known as just plain Leon. You might remember him as Sexy Black Jesus/St. Martin in the Madonna video “Like A Prayer”, or for his brilliant portrayal of condemned killer Jefferson Keane in the first season of Oz, which means Cynthia might want to keep him far, far away from incarcer-philiac Phaedra. Leon lives in NYC but comes down to see Noelle “3-4 times a month”. Cyn tells us that she and Leon “were engaged” and “created this amazing love-child together.” Then she tells hottie-pants she and Grampa Peter have picked a date to get married but there’s no ring or official proposal yet, ostensibly because Cynthia is so nupto-phobic.

Leon says Cyn “is good at walkin away from things” and he doesn’t want her to ruin it with Peter by doing just that. Has she told Peter how much she wants the wedding to happen? Not so much. The wedding seems to be a result of Peter turning 78 50 and laying down an ultimatum. “This is the one part that should be romantic,” Leon purrs in a deep sexy voice that could easily make one forget one’s nearby hula-hooping daughter and various public decency laws and go to town right there on a park bench. Cynthia admits that it may seem “weird” to be getting romantic advice from one’s ex-fiance, but “Leon was the first– I mean the only man in my life I considered to be my soulmate.” Interesting. Ish. I mean, I’m liking Cyn more and more but this whole “Will she make Gramps an honest man?” storyline is not cutting it.

Recording studio. Kim’s in the booth with Kandi to lay down some vocals. Right off, Kim is complaining that she wants “curtains” separating her embarrassing self from the prying eyes of the audio crew. Since the ONLY thing she has going for her is a certain blonde porn queen look, I don’t quite understand this. Kim also thinks the song’s key is too high: “You’re killin me with that… I’m not sure of my range… and I have a lisp.” And I’m a really fuckin’ terrible singer. Help me! Kandi calls for another take and Kim is horrendous. Producer Focus wears an expression like “I knew she was gonna suck, but come on now!” The combination of Kim’s disinterest in the song and her off-key, clueless voice gave me immediate flashbacks to the brilliant Season One episode when Dallas Austin sent Kim to actual superstar vocal coach Jan Smith who came right out and told Princess Mistress “You don’t know what you’re doin.”

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“Bitch just crashed the Auto-Tune!”

So imagine my delight when, after suggesting Kim “live with” Kandi’s scratch-track and practice singing along to it in the car like Brooke Breedwell before the 1995 Universal Mini-Miss Grand Supreme pageant, Kandi tells Kim: “To be honest, you do have an ear problem, a pitch problem. You need to go back to Jan and get some vocal lessons.” YESSSSSSS! Kim looks majorly pissed and tells us last time “it wasn’t a very productive experience.” Cue a FLASHBACK with Kimmy getting her ass handed to her by tough cookie Miss Smith. Kim hilariously insists to Kandi “I sang at my brother’s graduation, I sang in 8th grade, I can sing along with anything! But for some reason, nothing was good enough for Jan.” I know, it’s ridiculous, right, Gasmii? That Kim made it to 8th grade, I mean. Kim loftily proclaims via interview “I do have a good ear for music. But as an artist, I just can’t do a song unless I love it.” That she really, truly thinks of herself as “an artist” is awesome. Kandi urges her “to be consistent”. And she doesn’t mean consistently shitty, so there’s going to be problems.

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“Hear that? It’s rats in the ceiling trying to gnaw their own ears off.”

Law office. Phaedra welcomes client Latavia Roberson, ex-Destiny’s Child member. Phae tells us as a top attorney, she doesn’t “wait for my clients to come to me with their problems”, she likes being “proactive”. Maybe she’s going to suggest Lawhozit sue Beyonce for promising her and Kelly Rowland and those other bitches the world then leaving them in the dust like so many discarded Supremes. Latentacle’s got a sexy deep voice that sounds like she went straight from the nipple to whiskey and Marlboro Reds. Phae considers her “a little sister”. Then do what my big sis did for me and tell her that scarlet bob is totally 4 years ago. “When mah clients make money, AHHH make money,” Phaedra tells us, in case we thought for a second she was motivated by something other than greed, vanity or social status.

Phae tells Latourniquet she sees her “doing a one-woman show”, a vision Latrippin has also shared. “Your story is amazing,” Phae gushes. “The heartbreak, the rise, the fall and the comeback. All we gotta do now is put everything into motion.” Induce labor, if you will. I can see it now: “Phaedra Parks presents Destiny’s Abandoned Child. No flash photography. All ticket sales are final.” Phae asks Latrina to “tell me who you are, who you know yourself to be!” Here’s the short answer: Girl gets hired by multi-platinum, diction-challenged, Grammy-winning vocal group. Girl forgets which other girl’s daddy runs things. Girl mouths off. Girl gets fired. Girl hits the bottle. (I knew there was whiskey involved!) Girl gets DUI and goes to jail.

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“If I wrap it in spaghetti and toss on a few meatballs, maybe my mama would just eat the damn thing.”

Latomcollins gets misty and Phaedra thoughtfully forks over some Kleenex, imagining the fat Lifetime paycheck when she sells this as a TV movie. Phae pronounces Latipsy a “dye-mun in da ruff– you jus’ need ta be polished, baby!” And somewhere in this lily pad of an office is just the right chamois for the job! “We need to get together and write this one-woman show,” Phae says, recommending they meet every other day. That way Phae can squeeze in getting that bothersome uterine parasite removed. Did you know Phaedra was also a top dramatist? Neither did I. Just becuz you act like a cunt, don’t mean you got The Vagina Monologues inside of you. “If it’s the last thing I do, I will see you at the top. I got the Midas touch, so let me touch you,” Phae modestly promises Latequiza. I know she’s a top Southern attorney and all, but if Phae tries to tangle with Beyonce’s lawyers, it MAY be the last thing she ever does.

Cinco Mexican Cantina. Over queso, guac and tequila, Kim and NeNe discuss Gregg, who’s been pretending his marital problems “don’t exist”. Just like it is with Kim and Big Poppa! Except for the married part, of course. NeNe interviews that “me and Kim can’t have a serious conversation”, since Kim responds to everything NeNe says with a litany of complaints about her keeper Pig Boppa. Kim quickly turns the chat toward what’s REALLY important, her upsetting visit to the studio with Kandi earlier. She says Kandi’s take on “The Ring Didn’t Mean A Thing” is not what Kim “envisioned”. For one thing, Kim didn’t imagine actually having to sing those words. Like a singer. She asks if NeNe will listen to the scratch-track and give her “honest opinion”. NeNe tells us she doesn’t have to hear the song to have an opinion. And it’s that Kim is a selfish, delusional cow.

They go to the Range Rover and pop on the track. NeNe listens to it for five seconds and says she “definitely” doesn’t like it. Who knew that enviously bashing Kandi was just the tonic NeNe needed to ease the pain of a broken marriage! NeNe says that Kandi misinterpreted the message of the title (which she so didn’t) and “that beat just isn’t working.” Should it be a dance track, Kim asks her. No, it should be a lush, agonized ballad a la Susan Boyle. Of course it should be a dance track– your audience is a bunch of gay men on an Extasy/GHB/Viagra cocktail! AND YOU CAN’T FUCKING SING. And I know boozing is a way of life in the South, but is one really allowed to take one’s beverages out to the parking lot to enjoy in one’s vehicle?! NeNe assures Kim that Kandi can handle rejection and encourages Wiggy to just tell Kandi how she feels. Surprisingly, NeNe doesn’t ask to be allowed to watch this.

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Storage units. Kim, daffy assistant Sweetie, and daughters chubby tween Ariana and 46-year-old teen sexpot Brielle check out what Kim’s been paying $800 per month to store, since it’s costing Pig Boppa a cool $10K every year. Kim estimates she has “a couple hundred grand” in couches, picture frames, mirrors, “gold vases”, “Versace china” and other glitz packed away and says she wants to have a garage sale: “I’m not givin this sh*t away for free!” No, you’re not. That’s how you afforded all those bordello contents in the first place. Kim starts trying to tag various items with neon Post-It‘s, but keeps running into things she definitely can’t part with. It’s an all-new Bravo series: Whore-ders.

Casa Cynthia. Cyn is trying to be a good little wife, cooking in the kitchen, when Grampa Peter hobbles in to show her how it’s done. Cynthia reminds him that he wants to be married by his 83rd 50th birthday. “I don’t wanna look like the old dude gettin married,” Peter remarks. I think that ship sailed sometime before the Clinton Administration. Cyn laughingly tells him so. Peter, obviously lacking the acting chops of a Leon, stiffly recites the lines fed to him by the field producers: How does she feel about everyone’s concerns that she won’t go through with the wedding? “I don’t wanna fall IN love and fall outta love.” Cynthia, no Meryl Streep herself, lukewarmly assures him that she’ll never meet “another Peter Thomas”– “you’re an original.” “Dat’s what I wanted to hear,” Peter robotically retorts. Cynthia says she needs to be sure Peter trusts her and the relationship. Yes, he does. And he’ll be surprising her with an obscenely pricey ring anytime now. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. When does the garage sale start?! Oh, good. Now.

Parking lot. Kim’s 70′s porn star dad Joe is on hand to help out along with Sweetie and the girls– Brielle’s been pimped into waving a hand-lettered sign advising motorists of the “Designer Label” bargains to be had. “I never thought we’d be working on the streets,” Ariana gurgles. No, I’m sure Kim’s been grooming them for the more lucrative call-girl racket. Kim’s “never had a yard sale in my life, but my dad’s a good negotiator”. Moving men arrange the contents of a semi on the asphalt as Kim stands by with a Chardonnay Big Gulp overseeing. “Lookit the bed– O. M. G., right?! Magic was made in that.” Brielle recoils as we hope someone took a gallon of Murphy Oil Soap and a chisel to that thing.

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“Maww-awwm! Grampa just threw my virginity in with the Oriental rug!”

Customers arrive and Joe starts low-balling the prices, irking Kim, who tells him her shoes weren’t purchased at Target and “those couches were 10K apiece”. Funny, they were only 8K in the storage unit scene. Classic whore-ding behavior. Where’s that dizzy blonde shrink and the tough-love extreme-cleaning guy when we need them? Instead we have NeNe & Cynthia, who should be good for a couple wisecracks each. NeNe’s in the market for a bed for when her 80-year-old aunt comes to visit. Kim wants 4K “for the set”, which she claims is worth 20K. “Jesus! That is a huge number!” NeNe squawks, then interviews that Kim “was trippin to me… those prices were bananas!” A dumpy old lady wanders by, grumbling “This is a yard sale. It’s supposed to be a deal!” Joe assures the old bag that if she knew the retail, she’d see what a deal this was. Unfortunately, this is a parking lot in suburban Georgia, not Butterfield’s.

Joe tells Kim to give NeNe the bedroom set for 1800, which pleases NeNe. Kim relents: “It’s only because you’re my damn friend!” Apparently annoyed at being forced into actually selling things, Kim starts snapping at people and tells Brielle no lunch breaks, you’re working! Phaedra waddles up. I’d love to see her water break, forcing her to give birth on NeNe’s new bargain bed. “Who has an estate sale in the parking lot of a burger joint?” Phae sniffs via interview. Cynthia discovers Kim hasn’t bothered to clean out one of her dressers, which contains a yearbook! And there’s Kim, all frizzy-haired and brace-faced and awkward and unfuckable, even though she’s probably well over 12. The cameras delicately avoid showing us the year on the cover, so don’t go getting ideas.

The Housewives cool off in the burger joint and bring the yearbook with them. “Y’all didn’t have many black people at this school, didja?” Phae observes, leafing through it. Oh, thank God, she found one named Santana. But Bravo didn’t bother to clear him, so we’ll have to Phaedra’s word that he’s cute. Kim asks what Phae is naming her baby. No idea. I like the ring of “National Parks” but since Phae is so enamored with the South, she’ll probably call him Rhett Butler Parks, Scott Stapp Parks or Roscoe P Coltrane Parks. And NO, she’s not going to be doing “natural” childbirth. Quite the opposite, since she’s apparently having it removed as soon as she can find an OB/GYN who’ll take cash.

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“Most Likely to Suck Seed”

“I cannot be screaming like a wolf and poopin on no tables,” Phae adorably remarks, to NeNe, and America’s, disgust. Phaedra says they’re going to “induce” “next week”, on Wednesday, preferably. Maybe that’s Latavia’s AA night. Kim smells a rat, and they’re nowhere near her yard sale, so it’s not because one got into her dresser drawer and died there. “Nothing with Phaedra makes sense,” Kim tells us. “I’m a licensed practical nurse [who believes that license is up to date?] and I got my degree at UConn. [Or Yukon Career College in Alaska.] And if Phaedra thinks for one second that she’s gonna try to fool me about poppin this baby out, she’s crazy.” SUH-NAPPP!

Phaedra tells them the baby is “right at 8 pounds” which, “at 7 months pregnant”, Kim openly finds odd. NeNe also openly rolls her eyes and shakes her head, then interviews “If she got pregnant before she got married, so what?!” NeNe tells Phaedra “I cannot believe any doctor in the state of Georgia would induce somebody at 7 months.” Phae says her husband came “three months early” and he weighed 9 pounds. How much of that was penis? I’m a Recap Artist, not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure it’s medically impossible for a six-month human fetus to weigh 9 pounds. “Stop saying that out loud!” NeNe interview/squawks. “So people can hear how crazy you really are!”

Phaedra tells us she was irritated about the due-date “grilling”, “but I understand no one has a job except for me, so… they have to do something to fill up their spare time.” Nice deflection. Phaedra lumbers off and NeNe, Kim & Cynthia compare notes and decide Phae is totally full of shit and may be lying because someone else fathered her little deduction. Kim wonders via interview if Phaedra & Apollo conceived it during a conjugal-visit trailer-rockin’ session. Either way it’s pretty bizarre and shows how incredibly narcissistic Phae is believing these mothers (and the Bravo audience) will just accept whatever story comes out of her froggy Southern face.

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“Fo’ rill, y’all… It’s called a ‘VERY Late-Term Abortion’ and it is purfickly legal. Hand to God.”

Sheree’s tract mansion. In a freshly fluffed wig, Kim drops by to visit Her Ladyship with a Salahi-douche-chill “Hi, love!” at the front door. After declaring her Starbucks “tastes like shit”, Kim gets an earful about Sheree’s latest ex-BF, “who’s SUPPOSED to be a doctor of psychology”. Kim asks if he makes money. “I don’t think so,” is the troubled reply. Sheree then reveals that “Dr” Tiy-E Muhammad stays at “the Holiday Inn“, which horrifies Kim.

Parking lot. And the last scene was just filler, since we’re back at the yard sale, where Brielle is bitching that “some of these people need our clothes DESPERATELY.” Go suck down some ice-cream, skankette. Kandi arrives (“Hi, love!” Kim Salahi’s at her. Shudder.) just as Kim’s dad tells her they’ve made $10,350 so far. Kim is not impressed. And her mood doesn’t improve when Kandi asks if she’s been practicing with the vocal track. Kim tries to lead with something positive but can’t complete the sentence “I like the…” (Um… Fame and money?) So she says she DOESN’T like “the intro”. Maybe it’s because it sounds bad “in my car”. Maybe “it’s a mess in my car.” No, that didn’t come out right. She doesn’t mean it’s “a mess”, it’s just that “the beginning part of the song…” Kandi mercifully jumps in to request clarification. What does Kim mean by “the beginning”? I’m sure she’s wondering if Kim is talking about the instrumental or the vocals. Kim’s answer? “The first part of the song.” I want to see that degree from “UConn”.

Kim finally spits it out: “I don’t like the new song. I don’t like the beat.” It needs “oomph” and “a catchier beat”. Kim explains that when she played “Tardy for the Party” for people, they consistently flipped for it. Kandi says this song isn’t ready to be played “for everybody”. Kim says she’s talking about “Tardy”‘s “hook”. Kandi says she’s not excited about putting tons of work into a track Kim doesn’t like. “I wanna love it. I just don’t feel like it’s catchy enough.” Kandi interviews that Kim is entitled to her own opinion but Kandi has a Grammy. HA. Kandi says Kim has gone from being a music industry newbie to “Clive Davis” in, like, five minutes. Kim says she could be wrong and “America might love the song”. I hope they do, when Kandi sings it on her own album or gives it to a real artist to record.

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“How ’bout a new song? ‘Diva Bitch Found Dead In A Ditch’?”

Kandi says not to be “harsh”, but since the floor’s open for gripes, Kandi feels Kim doesn’t “take this sh*t seriously.” Oh, yes, she did, Gasmii! “Kim has no idea how much I normally get paid for stuff like this,” Kandi tells us, “so to have to listen to her complain about a song that’s not even finished yet? I’m about to lose it on her ass!” Please, honey, feel free. Kandi’s idea of tough love? Telling Kim, again, to get voice lessons. I’m a Recap Artist, not Naonka from Survivor, but this is hardly a beat-down, people. Kim dismisses this to us, saying “I don’t know why Kandi’s getting so upset. [She] knows we can make a hit, we’ve already done it. However, I know my fans expect a certain sound from me, but this track isn’t it.” However and but mean the same thing, dumb-ass. And your fans expect nothing other than “vocals” more sweetened than Phaedra’s snatch after a Spreckels factory tour. I think some cheaty looping was employed for the last line of the scene, because we’re on Kim as Kandi says ” You need to take this seriously and get it together. If not, I’m not doin the track.”

It really is supremely galling of Kim to judge Kandi’s work like this. But Kandi kind of has to put up with it, because not only is it fabulous juice for this show (and very Valley of the Dolls), it could be wildly lucrative for Kandi, and she’s already put up with so much of Kim’s shit that it’d be a shame to not stick it out when actual compensation seems to be within reach. But I’m a Recap Artist, not Benny Medina.

NeNe’s tract mansion. We start with slacker Brice filling his face with greasy junk food as NeNe, younger, cuter son Brentt, 11, at her side, asks personal chef Shane what he’s going to cook for them. “Pan-seared sea bass with asparagus,” Shane replies. “I’ll have what they havin,” Brice grunts from the table. Brentt points out that Brice doesn’t eat asparagus. “I don’t even know what that is,” Brice confirms. Madre de dios, Gasmii! Why not push this kid’s face in dough and whip up some Stupid Cookies, chef. “You know how much you just embarrassed yourself?” Brentt marvels in disgust. Just a bit more than whichever RHOA post-production staffer spelled “embarrassed” wrong in the subtitle, which we need because Brice talks like his mouth is full of marbles. Made of marijuana.

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And WTF is up with the glamour-length nails?!?

Brice poutily declares he “don’t want nunna dat” and continues to gobble french fries as NeNe wonders where she went wrong. She tells her loxy firstborn she’s glad “your hair’s lookin better” and that he “shaved”, since future potential ex-employers Peter and Cynthia are coming over for dinner. “Bricen needs to figure out what to do with his life, like, yesterday,” NeNe interviews. Cut to Cyn and Peter driving through the tract mansioned streets on the way to NeNe’s. Peter says he’s glad they live in the city. No shit! Despite my fond memories of spending summers on Long Island with my Tio Flaco, Tia Olivia and all my primos locos (my career as a teen model began on a day-trip to NYC where I got discovered in Washington Square Park), I generally find suburbia a living fucking hell.

Peter, who doesn’t like to be the only guy-guy in a crowd of gals and gays, hopes Gregg will be home. Cynthia, desperately searching for some indication that marriage isn’t a colossal mistake for all involved, says she hopes NeNe and Gregg can “work it out”. NeNe, who has slipped into a lime-green caftan, is happy to see them, especially since they brought a bottle of blush Moet, which, as we’ve seen, goes great with plastic-surgeon-prescribed painkillers. Gregg slinks in, followed by Brice in a fresh red Polo shirt. NeNe makes the intro’s and Peter says he knows Brice would like to open his own club. Grampa says that as a college student, he worked shitty jobs like McDonald’s and making doughnuts at 3 AM. Not what Brice wants to hear.

NeNe serves cocktails and Cynthia tells her “Gregg looks good tonight… You may need to rethink that thang, gurl!” When exactly did she stop hankering for hotties like Leon and develop a lust for the elderly? Just curious. NeNe laughs that Gregg got dressed up tonight but tomorrow “he’ll be back in his robe.” LOL. Gregg doesn’t find this funny, however, quickly and testily accusing NeNe of “throwin shade”! “Don’t even start!” NeNe snaps back at him. She gets up in his face and they bicker about the robe comment. Cynthia interviews that it’s “awkward hanging out with a couple…in limbo”. Gregg seems like he’s already drunk as he asks NeNe what planet she’s on. “Don’t play me, seriously,” NeNe warns. “This is not the time.” Oh, come on. The cameras are here. It’s time, honey!

Picture 43-3
“You think I’m afraid to beat you in fronta company?”

Grampa Peter commendably ignores the spat and engages Brice in an aspirational discussion using sports metaphors. Brice wants to “own the stadium”. “So everything you doin now got to STOP,” Peter declares. NeNe steps in, prompting Gregg to groan “Awww, Jesus!” LOL. NeNe, obviously not talking about Brice’s career path, tells everyone how important communication is. And “I’m an expert communicator,” she adds. Gregg responds by telling her “Communication is not talking.” It’s letting the other person “retort” and get their “point across.” Gregg says “Me? I really don’t wanna talk to nobody.” Except Dwight, when you need cash. “Don’t ask me about it, I don’t wanna share it with you, because I don’t like to talk.” He and NeNe are clearly a match made in heaven.

Gramps should probably stick with the nightclub topic, but NeNe sort of forced them all into Relationship Group Therapy, so Pete challenges Gregg: “You think dat’s the answer though, yo?” Gregg doesn’t get a chance to reply, and he hates to talk anyway, as we’ve just been reminded, when NeNe wags a finger in his face and yells “You know you’re not a good communicator, right?! SAY IT!!!” He says nothing, so she starts tapping his nose and answering for him: “No. I am not. A good com-mun-i-cator!” Now NeNe sounds drunk. She ridiculously demands Gregg give “advice” to Gramps and Cynthia. Gregg to NeNe: Get off me.

“You tryin to be with me?” NeNe asks Gregg, as everyone cringes and Brentt hides in his room clenching a stuffed leopard. (How fuckin’ hilarious is The Cleveland Show, by the way? The cartoon on Fox. Not that hag-fest with Valerie Bertinelli and Betty White.) Gregg has had enough and leaves “to shoot pool”. Peter and Brentt follow him downstairs. Cynthia interviews that she could tell from being in the house that things with Gregg and NeNe “were in a really bad place.” NeNe pours half a gallon of vodka into the cocktail shaker as Cynthia perkily insists that “Gregg still loves you.” NeNe tipsily scoffs that a person can’t live a lifetime free of communication. But Cyn can tell by “the way he looks at you” that Gregg doesn’t want to lose NeNe.

Picture 44-3

The sex may be infrequent, but damn is it hot.

NeNe says the problem is “too huge” and she’s getting a divorce. She momentarily loses track of her booze goblet, but locates it then leads Cyn away to “show you where Gregg lives now.” They go downstairs, past the pool table room, where Brice is conspicuously absent, into a den. NeNe says this has become Gregg’s apartment. NeNe warns Cynthia that without communication, she and Gramps are doomed. “What if he cheats?” NeNe suddenly blurts out. Cynthia interviews her shock at this bombshell. “But it does explain a lot,” she tells us. NeNe: It’s devastating, don’t you think? Especially if it was with Dwight. I’m just saying. $10K and all… “Iss just wrong,” NeNe slurs.

Picture 45-3

Next week: Phaedra considers circumcision (for the baby, unfortunately, not herself). Sheree dances for charity. Cynthia has cold feet.

Leia LaBiblia is a former teen model.

47 Comments

  1. 1
    Neecy2
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Leia, Great re-cap. Took a while to find but really worth the search. Whore-ders was great!”From the nipple to whiskey and Marlboro Reds” was priceless as well. I look for these every week. They are waaayyy better than the actual show!

  2. 2
    dee
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Kim is about as close to being an “artist” as she is to creating a masterpiece on canvas with playskool fingerpaint(s).
    She is at best, a novelty act and at worst a tone-deaf ingrate.
    Ugh. Where does she get the ego? Oh, I remember. 8th grade.

  3. 3
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 3:23 pm

    I thought Kandi was going to straight up say, “Kim, you suck and you basically stumbled upon a hit because I can write a song and auto-tune was invented. STOP while you are ahead please! You are going to humiliate yourself more if you don’t stop”. That look she gave made me cringe.

    I didn’t particularly like the song myself but as Kandi said, it was unfinished. I loved how she basically told Kim to shove it in the interview saying something like, “Now, who won a Grammy here?,” and she raised her hand. I think the reunion is going to be great between those two when Kim hears what Kandi said about not being paid. The girl deserves to get paid mega bucks because she KNOWS her stuff.

    Phaedra makes me sick. NO child weighs EIGHT pounds at 6 months. My brother in law was born at 6 months, in the hospital another 3, and has serious mental issues and is semi-retarded. If Apollo was that way, he is one of the VERY few people who make it. I don’t care what that bitch says, he was not NINE pounds. I have birth to a nine pound kid full term and at 6 months, he weighed a pound.

    It pisses me off so much because she is such an ignorant, biased, disgusting piece of trash. I feel so BAD for Apollo and that child because that woman is such a narcissistic piece of garbage who would probably throw both of them to the curb for a few bucks and some fame. She needs to grow up and admit she had kid out of wedlock. I have a father who is a pastor and I still admitted I got pregnant before getting married and nobody really talked much about it.

    Sorry for my outburst but that woman really makes my skin crawl. You did a great recap Leia.

  4. 4
    Fan-Ann
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    Phaedra is definitely a pig. It’s interesting that such a fine attorney has not realized that she may have created quite a problem for herself by her own statements on this show. In the event of a divorce (which would surprise no one) her words could come back to bite her. Apollo could sue for sole custody of the baby and use Phaedra’s ill-considered statements regarding beating their child for misbehavior and her seeming anxiousness to have her baby induced at 6 months. The first is abuse and the second demonstrates either willful disregard for the health of her baby or a pattern of pathological lying. Wouldn’t it be a kick if Apollo won custody and she had to pay him child support?

  5. 5
    Bridget Miller
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 6:03 pm

    Real Housewives Sidebar: But I was watching a Kathy Griffin comedy special and she mentioned how Teresa Jew-Dice resembled a neanderthal. She so stole that from Twunty’s recaps. Or maybe it the resemblance is obvious. The Ex Teen Model has done a wonderful job filling her shoes. That ex teen model shit makes me laugh- not at first, but now it does especially after seeing how so people carry those titles with pride like when I was a child actress. I am thinking that you are using it in more of a witty and sarcastic way. Anyway. Me gusto mucho, nah mi encanta your recaps, your wit, and snark.

  6. 6
    michele
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 6:56 pm

    Ha Ha! I love your recaps, thank-you so much. Phaedra is Phugly. I keep thinking she looks like a pekinese. One of those little yappy dogs, with big eyes and the underbite. I love Ne Ne, funniest part of the show is her interviews. She always says what I’m thinking.

  7. 7
    Matt Lam
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    @Michele: YES! That’s it! You made my whole week! I had an encounter with a Pekinese once. It wasn’t a good one.

  8. 8
    Jeanine Schaefer
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 9:54 pm

    Phaedra is without a doubt a horrible human being, but she’s an even worse liar. My son was born two and a half months premature and although he’s perfectly healthy now, at birth he weighed 2 lbs 14 oz.

    I really fucking hate her.

  9. 9
    NYQUEENS
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 10:51 pm

    I so wished that Kandi would once say what everybody else is thinking first you didn’t pay me for the first song and now you want another song for free.On top of that your ass can’t sing. Kandi is the most CHARITABLE person I ever seen. Really she goes from working with Beyonce to WHITE TRASH KIM.As for Phaedra lets hope she is not on season four because she justs makes an ass out of herself every episode. How is she going to tell a table full of Mothers that already been through full term pregnancy and labor some bullshit like she did.They all try to be nice because is pregnant. I know what her problem with Cynthia is growing up she always been the ugly girl. So now that she has some success that help her buy nice things. She feels like she is above her. But really wishes that she can be her.

    I can’t wait for the next episode Kim’s alleged baby daddy will be on.I hope she will be showing when they do the Bravo reunion.

  10. 10
    Brattygrl
    Posted November 13, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    @Bridget, I agree! I laugh everytime I come to the obligatory “I was a teen model” part of the recap just because it irritates the crap out of so many & you just know that’s exactly why she does it! Heehee!

  11. 11
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 5:55 am

    OMG. I cannot believe I missed that Kim is knocked up AGAIN?

  12. 12
    skatt
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 8:08 am

    Angela: That’s just it, I think. Kim, and the concept of humiliation/shame have never met, nor will they. She fails to grasp WHY “Tardy For The Party” was a hit- people were laughing at her.

    As for Phaedra, she’s a Defense Attorney. Her bread and butter is twisting words and explaining to simple folks like you and me how we just failed to grasp the delicate intricate nature of what she what saying.

  13. 13
    Fan-Ann
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 8:30 am

    There are rumors on the web that Kim is pregnant by some guy named Kroy Biermann who is reportedly not pleased. No idea if it’s true, but if any of it is right, she has an incredibly active and varied sex life. I wonder if Big Poppa is still going to pay her bills.

  14. 14
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 9:43 am

    A bottle of some strong and cheap liquor says it is Big Poppa’s or she claims it is his. Whoever backs it up first, wins.

  15. 15
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 9:46 am

    @Fan-Ann, I forgot to mention this first but that Kroy guy made me at first think she got knocked up by the guy on the Sister Wives. I had to double check to make sure. lol. It seems par for the course though. Kim sleeps with a married (x4) man with children instead she is screwing up 4 households instead of just one. The girl has reached a level of house-wrecking even I can appreciate.

    Still, I kind of like her stupidity. It makes her endearing.

  16. 16
    Fan-Ann
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 10:13 am

    OMG she is stupid. I had never thought of it as being endearing, but it can be sometimes as long as she is not hurting someone else ( her children ) with her skewed vision of life. Leia also nailed it when she said Kim is delusional…she thinks she’s such a successful and knowledgable singer that she can criticize Kandi. Her last song, Google Me, was not produced by Kandi and has not done well, so she should be begging K. to help her instead of bitching. She is also enough of a famewhore to start a preggers rumor just to keep her name in the news. I can’t imagine that at her age she wants a baby unless it was Big Poppa’s and secured her future. She’s clueless in a lot of ways, but excellently wily at using her sexuality for fame and money.

  17. 17
    Kaya
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 1:28 pm

    Kim, you stupid bitch! The phrase is ‘Nurse Practitioner’ not ‘Practical Nurse’. What a dumbass! Anyone still believe she’s really got a degree in nursing? When she can’t even be bothered to check what the correct name of her designated, pretend profession is?
    I have to say that I find it totally unbelievable that she even finished high school. Maybe she got her GED later, somehow. But there is NO WAY she got into, and furthermore, graduated, a nursing school with a degree and a LICENSE !
    And if there is a school that gave her such license, their own accreditation and certification should be pulled right away.

  18. 18
    roger
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 2:12 pm

    @kaya: no question, kim is an idiot, but…LPN means, i think, licsened PRACTICAL nurse. i don’t think a 4 year college course is required.

  19. 19
    roger
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    nurse practitioner is an advanced degree which allows (like MDs) them to prescribe drugs.

  20. 20
    Pixielated
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    @Kaya: Don’t they still have Practical Nurses? I thought that is what LPNs were called–Licensed Practical Nurses. They are far from RNs and Nurse Practitioners.

    That may solve the mystery of Kim’s being a “nurse.”

  21. 21
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    I checked the University of Connecticut website and it does say she is an alumni. So depressing. Doesn’t LPN’s do everything but push narcotics/any drugs?

    I kind of wish I never blew my knee to kibble and lose my scholarship there so I could more info about her on the alumni site. BOO.

  22. 22
    boodog
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 4:11 pm

    I’m a Registered Nurse and would like to set the record straight regarding nursing degrees. An R.N. is has a 2yr (associate degree) or a 4 yr (bachelor degree). A Nurse Practitioner must have a bachelor degree then continue and obtain a Masters degree for a total of 6 yrs of college. An L.P.N. (licenced practical nurse) is a 1 yr program at a community college or vocational school. R.N.s and L.P.N.s must pass a state test to be licenced and able to work after they graduate school.

    L.P.N.s can administer most meds but cannot give anything via an I.V.
    Some states allow them to start specific I.V. fluids after they pass an additional class.

    Nurse Practioners can write prescriptions for non-controlled meds (not narcotic), antibiotics etc. under a doctors licence.

    BTW, great recap Flipit

  23. 23
    boodog
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Sorry Leia, your recap is GREAT!!!!!!

  24. 24
    Kaya
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 6:07 pm

    Thanks everyone for setting me straight and explaining the LPN stuff. I’m not originally from the US and have never before heard of LPN, only RNs and NPs. Not an excuse, of course – should have checked it on the web first before yapping my mouth off, but now it’s too late.

    My stupidity, though, does not change the fact that I just absolutely CAN’T SEE KIM PASSING ANY KIND OF MEDICAL/NURSING TEST, or even, for that matter, wanting to have anything to do with this profession. She is a self-centered, lazy skank, and nursing jobs require dedication, attention to detail, and patience, not to mention intelligence. That in itself should be a disqualifying factor for our Wiggy. Being an irritable, smoking like a chimney, drinking like a fish, LAZY, LAZY, LAZY narcissistic cow kind of does not go hand in hand with requirements of that type of job.
    To all the RNs, NPs and LPNs out here – I deeply appreciate your hard work, and sincerelly hope you do not have to count this bimbo within your ranks. :)

  25. 25
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 6:37 pm

    She more than likely did a couple of blow jobs to get the license, not the actual work involved. Nurses work their butts off and I appreciate them 10000% I had great ones who stayed 5 hrs after their shift to make sure I didn’t freak out during labor/c-section and that both of us were good. They don’t get a lot of credit.

    The only way she got it(okay, she more than likely DID it this way) she did the aforementioned shortcut to get the degree. Which is really a shame.

  26. 26
    pantsonfire
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    There are lots of people out there who are totally book smart, pass any test you give them, but can be the sumbest people I have ever met. Had a room mate once, legal student, top of her class- couldn’t turn an oven burner off to save her life. Let hot water run in the sink for an hour incase she needed it while brushing teeth, putting on makeup, taking a shit- etc. She also couldn’t pay a bill, check her oil, or windsheild washer fluid and would whine complain and drive you crazy until you did it. She never could do any of those things on her own. Very successful though.

    So yeah, Kim did get a degree and worked. Probably to marry a doctor. See that was probablky the only reason she did it. It takes teh least effort, and still gets her close to doctors.

    Yuck Phaedra. She is the most un-intelligent person I have ever seen on a Housewives Rodeo. And one of the most educated. Wait= proves my above point!

    I love Kandi though, and I hope she gets everything she wants in life.

  27. 27
    realitycheck
    Posted November 14, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    It’s called acting, people! Remember Tiffany Pollard, I Love New York?

    Although unlike Tiffany, Phaedra uses her own first name, she has created a character for the show, and she’s doing a good job of portraying that character.

    Especially for someone with minimal to no formal instruction or previous acting experience, she pays attention to and nails details, she’s exceptionally consistent with delivery, and if she’s writing her own lines, that’s even more impressive.

    Most importantly, from the producer’s point of view, the Phaedra character gets attention, it’s good for ratings, and frankly, makes a good ace in the hole in the event that the delusions of Kim, who is NOT acting, should result in her leaving the show to focus on her singing career or who knows what!

  28. 28
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 5:26 am

    Okay, we ALL know was exacting a little revenge by making Kim sing a song in such a high key. My guess is she wanted KIm to realize her limitations and recognize that it was Kandi who made Kim a hit, not Kim doing it on her own. I do love Kandi for that move, even if I don’t like the song she wrote.. it’s a little too Jersey Shore, with the fist-pumping beat and all..

    So, I got the scoop from an interview I read a week ago regarding “Tardy” and Kandi’s non payment. Actaully, Kandi was paid by Kim! However, for some reason thereafter, Kim contacted her lawyers and they advised her that the money was hers and hers alone. Kandi says this was how Kim approached her and that she gave Kim the money back to avoid any hard feelings.
    Now, I do think that before producing “Tardy” and appearing on the HWives, Kandi was not a household name. Sure, girls like me played our Xscape cassettes until the taped popped, but for many of the Hwives viewers, Kandi’s music was virtually unknown, or irrelevant. So, us seeing her ‘do her thang’ and turn Kim into a one-hit-wonder, has given her a following that she may not have enjoyed otherwise. So, maybe she should not be so quick to discredit Kim.. (okay, Kim deserves discrediting, but if Kandi did the Tardy song for free in exchange for publicity, I would consider it a fair exchange)

    Do we think Lawrence will perform his new single at the reunion? Will he hire Antoine Dodson as backup?

    @Leia, my voice sounds quite similar to Latavia’s! lol, I went from the nipple to Jack Daniel’s and Camels unflitered, but hey, not everyone is as classy as I. Besides, I thought husky voices were in? (along with caterpillar eyebrows)

    I don’t get Phaedra’s career at all. Is she a criminal defense lawyer-to-the-stars, or is she an entertainmanet lawyer? My aunt is an entertainment lawyer and she handles several jazz musicians, traveling with them, and my aunt’s tasks seem managerial and pertaining soley to her artists’ careers and contracts. That’s what Phaedra seemed to be doing regarding Latavia’s ‘one woman show’. However, in the case of Bobby Brown, as Phaedra’s client, she defended him in court regarding his back child support (and lost). And with the other ‘rapper’ we saw on the show with a weed charge..she seemed to be defending his criminal case, as well. So, perhaps she only represented Latavia when Latavia called her collect from jail after her DUI. All that other ‘dyemun in the ruff’ stuff, was for our benefit…because maybe we thought ‘celebrity attorney’ means keeping z-list stars out of jail and staging their comebacks. *rolls eyes*

    @Fan-Ann; I’d posted about Kim’s pregnancy a week or so ago but at the time, she was still denying it. She claimed it was a rumor created by her ex-girlfriend Tracy Young. Meanwhile, Tracy says that Kroy dumped Kim upon learning of the pregnancy and that Kim asked Tracy if they could raise the child together.

    Regarding Kim’s nursing degree, she’s been talking about it since season one, but I have noticed that she has never mentioned WORKING as a nurse, only that she possesses said license. This was when she purported that Poppa didn’t provide all of the fabulousness that she posseses and that she acquired most of it on her own. Andy was like, “how?” “Well, I have a nursing degree and I worked as a waitress and I will shovel shit for Dolce!” Andy’s response? “Well, you’re not shoveling shit and are we to believe you bought your house working as a waitress??”
    Kim had more non-answers than Mic Salahi during that season one reunion..remember, “I wear wigs because of cancer. But it’s not cancer, but they thought it was..so I still wear wigs?” If you ever run across the two reunion episodes, watch and see just how much she lies. I figure, if you’re a tired, wig-wearing, beast and can still convince a man to swath you in diamonds, buy you a house, AND a Bentley, then brag, bitch, brag!

  29. 29
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 5:56 am

    @Matt: what happened with the Pekingnese? Do tell!

    Okay, so I’ve been away all weekend and my inner-cynic is just dying to let loose. First order of business, Nene and Gregg. Sorry, but I don’t really buy the beef betwix the two. If Nene had some real, concrete examples of marital problems, she wouldn’t hesitate to list them…especially if they made her come up looking like roses. The, “What if he cheats?”, question was pure BS, because do we believe Nene would be letting her broke-ass husband stay in her house, albeit it, in the basement, if she thought he’d stepped out on her?? Sure, they may have been having a few issues, but I think this is one of those storylines Bravo created, and is a reason why Lisa decided to walk away instead of creating drama for the cameras. It’s not that I don’t believe Nene and Gregg couldn’t have problems, it’s just that I’d like if they were more specific..like what the hell are you guys mad at each other for? If you’ve just grown apart, that’s fine too. But saying, ‘What if he cheats?” is not so much an accusation than a ‘what if’, and until proven/stated otherwise, that’s just how I’m going to take it.

    Another Bravo storyline? Sheree and that ‘doctor.’ First off, who calls their boyfriend ‘Doctor?’ I think she needed a storyline this season and took what Bravo gave her. The other option would’ve been the boot from the show, then how would she have afforded that Aston Martin? *smirk*

    YAWN. Cynthia and Peter’s storyline is booooooooring. She doesn’t want to get married but he wants her to either shit or get off the pot. So…after 10-12 episodes of her hemming and hawing, we all know the season finale will be a wedding, right? There’s either a wedding or vow renewal (or divorce/separation/foreclosure) during every season of Hwives, so we all know where this is headed..maybe they should just spare us the on-air ruminations.
    With that said, I love Leon! I had the pleasure of meeting him on a music video I was styling, (he wasn’t working, just hanging with the producer) and he was so polite and nice and even introduced himself to lil-ole-me, even inviting me to come and see (and possibly photograph his band, Leon and the People). I got too busy and we fell out of touch but I still find him humble and charming, and thinks he and Cynthia make a better (read: cuter!) couple than she and Grandpa Peter.

    Regarding Phaedra’s extra-large preemie, the only way a baby can be that large at 6 months is if its mother is a hardcore diabetic! Sure, it happens..my gramma gave birth to a 13 lb baby, and this woman in Indonesia recently gave birth to a 19lb baby due to her gestational diabetes. But the lungs are still the last thing to develop and a doc would monitor the mom’s diet but not deliver a baby to live in the NICU for 3 months..it’s illogical.
    I do find it interesting that she was able to schedule her c-section, considering it was her first child. I’d inquired about that with my doc and he was like, ‘no siree, bob!” I’d read about it in a book and some docs do do this but my doc says it’s not recommended for the first baby, but more for moms who have had c-sections in the past; they can plan/schedule their 2nd/3rd birth anytime after 38-40 weeks of gestation. I can tell Phaedra is close to 40 weeks, but her doc should have atleast tried for a vaginal birth first, no?

  30. 30
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 7:22 am

    I totally agree sarcastire. I know there is some debate about how C Sections are being used more and more but I don’t see how. I went through one and I would rather go through labor for 16 hours without medicine than go through another one. Mine probably would have been a little bit better if I wasn’t allergic to most pain pills but it wasn’t that much more. I practically begged them to give me the one pain pill I have taken for years, Tramadol, and the said I would always have to take Oxycodone with enough Advil in it to kill a cow. They said Tramadol was too weak for it. Ugh.

    I hated that Oxycodone because the nightmares were HORRIBLE. That was also after they gave me codeine and still tried to give me Percocet even though I am allergic to Tylenol! Always knowing I would have to take a pill that gave me nightmares that my newborn was going to die and I was going to kill myself wasn’t fun. That fact, plus the fact my next child would have been over the 10lbs mark, made me get a tubal.

    That being said, I would give anything to have had a natural labor because then I would have remembered all of my labor, not just bits and pieces because I was so drugged up I couldn’t talk right. I felt so stupid wanting a C-Section and then when I got it, I wished for a regular delivery.

    I can’t see how Ms. Priss would be able to handle the pain and the narcotics involved. It is absolute hell. I just want to see how she is with a kid. She has none of that newborn glow so I think this kid is nothing more than a formality to keep Apollo and to marry him.

  31. 31
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 7:47 am

    @Angela: Most women who opt for a c-section for their first child do it because they have no idea how much pain/recovery is involved. (And docs agree to it because they are paid so much than for regular deliveries where they just have to catch the babe as it slides out)
    I’ll admit, I asked my doc about it because the prospect of pushing out a baby scared the crap out of me. I’d rather the experts just go in and get it, know what I mean? But my mom explained how invasive the surgery is and the amount of healing time, plus the scarring, and I was downright convinced I’d just get an epidural and push like a pro. Which I did. But many women still think that selecting their due-dates and subsequently, their children’s birthdays, has an appeal all it’s own. While others, who have had c-sections in the past, are now opting for VBACs (vaginal birth after c-sections) in hopes of avoiding surgery the second or 3rd time around.

    Too bad, you were allergic to the drugs. I had an epidural during labor, but after my episiotomy and stitches, the strongest thing they gave me was Tylenol! Even worse, they kept a chart of my dosage and wouldn’t give me more, no matter how many times I pressed that damn button! On second thought, I wish Kim was my nurse. I know she would’ve kept the pills in great supply..

  32. 32
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 8:43 am

    @Sarcastire: Some hospitals refuse to let you try having a VBAC. The hospital said if I had more I would have to go to the nearest hospital that would allow it, which is over an hour drive. Anyone who has been in labor, how would like if you had to drive an hour in labor on a highway? NOT ME. Besides, my husband drives fast and I hate it. THE ONE TIME I beg him to speed, he REFUSES and makes the car ride go from 15 minutes to 30. I almost killed him so I know that normally 1 hour car ride would be an hour and a half with him and I would murder him. I never made a noise once or threatened to kill him except in the car.

    Oh yeah, I almost strangled him with my IV tube because I wanted to get fixed and since they were already in, they asked. Chris said he wasn’t sure and literally, after almost losing MY life (it was a bad stretch there, hence the blacking out), he tells me the minute I wake up, he doesn’t want anymore so I had to go through getting another surgery. I swore I never have another child with him again.

  33. 33
    Ollybeau
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Kids like Brice scare me to death.
    It causes me such anxiety to think of my son turning out that way.
    At least he’s only 5 now, so I’ve got some time…

  34. 34
    msjacqmills
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 10:32 am

    Hey, Ollybeau, I know what you mean. I have 5 and 6 year old boys – but, there is no way in hell my husband would let our kids act like him.

    As for the C-section talk – I’ve had 4 c-sections – never had natural child birth due to complications with my 1st pregnancy. I had to avoid having any contractions at all. My experiences were not that bad at all. I bounced back pretty quick after all of them. But, all of mine were scheduled 2 weeks before my due date, and I had to have amnioscentesis (worse than the c-section IMO) to make sure their lungs were developed before each one…that was at 38 weeks – so, her claims that they would deliver at 28 weeks? Or even 32 weeks is absurd.

    Phaedra is astonishingly stupid if she thinks anyone will buy her story about delivering at 7 months. How detached from reality can she be? But, my question is this….when did Apollo get out of prison? Is she trying to hide that she was knocked up before she was married, or trying to hide that he isn’t the father because he was locked up when she got pregnant? Because that would be deliciously scandalous!

  35. 35
    Fan-Ann
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 11:27 am

    @Angela, I’m sorry that you had such a rough delivery. I agree with Sarcasatire completely that women who schedule C Sections for reasons other than medical necessity have no idea what they are getting into. My doctor (who is female) has a very frank talk with patients requesting C Sections for reasons other than medical issues and explains to them very clearly not only the difficulty in recovery, but the difficulty in taking care of the baby afterwards while also dealing with the aftereffects of surgery. For those who have to do it, I have nothing but sympathy and admiration.
    @ Ollybeau, I have 3 sons and feel sure that your sweet five year old will grow up to be a fine young man. Remember that it is never to early for them to learn to be kind and to take care of others. We started our boys out at about your son’s age with taking food, towels and blankets to our local Humane Society. We talked to them about the animals needing help. They loved our own pets also, and as they got older they took more responsibility for their care. Then, we helped with food for the homeless, Habitat for Humanity etc. I wanted to teach them in every possible way to be caring individuals and to fight against the horrible wave of entitlement that is so common among young people. That is what is wrong with Brice. He feels entitled to have a very nice lifestyle without putting in the work for an education or at a job. Children learn from their parents the pride in a job well done, a grade they worked for. And by helping others they can find humanity. They need to know that what they do can make a difference in the lives of others. And the basis of it all is kindness; kindness to animals, the homeless, and the elderly leads to life lessons about fairness to kids their own age,not allowing bullies to hurt others, and understanding the differences between all of us. That there is worth in everyone. There are always hiccups along the way, but
    the values we instill in our children are always there to help guide their paths.
    Please forgive the length of this.

  36. 36
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 3:36 pm

    @Fan-Ann, thank you. I had an emergency C-Section because his head got stuck but all the pain was worth it for him (for those who have kids, he had a 35 CM head all the way around. There was NO way he would have came out the normal way without harming himself and killing me. Not to be TMI, but I have a narrow pelvis and my dr said even if I didn’t have a narrow one, it would have ended the same.) It just sucks for when he asks what happened when I went into labor and I can’t really tell him much. All I wrote on here is all I remember. He is 2 and a 1/2 so I have some time.

    I just hope Ephedra knows what she is getting herself into.

  37. 37
    Tamika
    Posted November 15, 2010 at 11:52 pm

    Maybe it not Phadra’s first baby so she can have a c section.

  38. 38
    LAC
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Week after week, this show is a casebook example of the effects of long term self-delusion. Kim and that tone deaf mess that comes out of her throat. Christ, I bet a better sound comes out of her opening her legs. And now she has a fan base – of what? High on poppers gay guys? Okay, Cher…

    Phakedra…yuk.. I cannot believe that someone would want this blowfish simpleton to represent their interests. That Destiny Child’s broohaha – like Bobby Brown, been over a long time ago. Seriously, who is going to bankroll some Phaedra bullshit production of “My hands are too wrapped around this bottle to box with God.”? Or “Colored Girls who considered Alize when the group is over.” And, really, how many more times is Weavey O’Hara going to play the virgin? You conceived, then got married – we’re done here. Stop the fronting!

    Cynthia and wedding drama to Grady (apologies to Sanford and Son) is getting boring. Seriously, you broke off from chocolate goodness Leon and now are getting ready for the early bird special with Peter? Meh…

    Wow, NeNe was hammered – I have been at dinner parties where the host and hostess were doing their version of “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf” and it is never fun…

  39. 39
    Classy Drunk Classy Drunk
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    LAC, why can’t I separate Leon from his role as Eddie Ruffin from the Temptations? Does that mean he’s a good actor or that I’ve seen The Temptations 361 times to many?

  40. 40
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 12:52 pm

    @Tamika, she said it was her first child back when she first was introduced this season. Poor child.

    @LAC, I agree. I cringed at how drunk NeNe was and what a fool she was making of herself. She didn’t seem right and was the kind of obnoxious I don’t like.

  41. 41
    LAC
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 1:09 pm

    Classy, yeah I know about Leon – that slow sexy smile that he used in that movie was hard to forget! LOL!!And he was a bad boy in “Waiting to Exhale”.

    Angela – It is not fun drunk- it is one more away from a crying jag or a screaming meltdown.

  42. 42
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    I know. It was so sad. They all say this show is fake but NeNe really broke my heart and you could tell how uncomfortable Cynthia was, as much as she was trying not to show it. I feel bad for NeNe and Gregg’s kids.

  43. 43
    Neecy2
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    After Kim cut Ne-Ne out of Tardy why in the hell would NeNe even humor the horrible Kim by listening to the new track. Is Ne-Ne that desperate for friends? And what kind of person would even ASK Ne-Ne her opinion of the new song after what she did to Ne-Ne with Tardy? I’m jus’ sayin.

  44. 44
    Tadow
    Posted November 16, 2010 at 6:54 pm

    I think phaedra said she was getting induced.
    definately remember her specifying that this baby would be coming out of her vagina. Wish I could forget.

  45. 45
    ohemgee
    Posted November 17, 2010 at 3:12 pm

    @Classy- I go back and forth between Eddie Ruffin and Derice Bannock from “Cool Runnings” Jamaican bobsled team FTW!

    I can’t wait for the reunion. I want to see Phaedra’s face when they play her delusional comments back.

  46. 46
    susanl
    Posted November 18, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    KANDI! STOP ENCOURAGING HER! SHE CAN’T SING! YOU CAN MAKE IT STOP! YOU KNOW SHE CAN’T SING! STOP! STOP! STOP! BACK AWAY!
    I feel better now.
    I hate Kim’s 1970′s wigs. Can’t she find something besides those long stringy things with wings that she is constantly pushing out of her face?
    I’d cheat on Nene too! She’s such a loudmouth thang.
    Please get Cynthis off the show. Her only claim to fame is not getting married. And we get to endure her “surprise” engagement next episode. Get out the caffiene so we can stay awake.

  47. 47
    Lauryn Morita
    Posted November 28, 2010 at 7:09 pm

    I am now convinced that Phaedra is some kind of robot. I can see her as one of those women who treats her kid like a fashion accessory. All her interview comments during the filming of her kid’s birth just smacks of lack of maternal instinct. Hopefully in time she’ll come to embrace motherhood. But all I can say about her is just, wow. >blink, blink<

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