Last week, Kenya continued to fake-pester Walter, Kandi had her house ghost proofed and we learned from our fellow readers that the Clermont Lounge is in fact, too classy for Bravo and the Real Housewives.
First of all, I’ve been writing Nene’s name wrong. It’s NeNe and she’s a GrandMa. Actually, she prefers Glam-mother. Bryson brings his baby over. What’s that? You didn’t know he had a kid? Well, NeNe didn’t even know the girlfriend wass epecting until she “bumped into her out.” Maybe she meant that she bumped into her outie because I’m not sure what “out” she would have bumped. That must have been great to have your boyfriend’s mother see you and immediately ask if you’re pregnant. Maybe she had just eaten some taco bell! Turns out she didn’t eat Taco Bell or use condoms and she actually was 6 months pregnant. She and Bryson have had theire first kids at the same age so NeNe hopes that this will inspire him to hustle like she did. I think Bryson would be a great striper…at the Clermnot Lounge. Since NeNe has no daughters, she plans to spoil Bri’Asia. If by spoil she means raise her to steal razors, sponsor parties with 1000 friends and eventually get her a makeover from an asexual corpse, she’s the right one for the job. And then there’s Gregg, the Yoda of the group. He always pipes up with some advice or ancient wisdom or sexually chardged spoken word that starts off sounding deep but ends up being as shallow as his bank account. He tells Bryson to take this “serious” – as “serious” as he takes the mutilation of adverbs.
“We’re gonna get you a bracelet, a manicure and a pedicure! Bryson, scrape under her arm for skin cells. That DNA test was inconclusive.”
“We’ve gotta get her some teeth too. I know a guy that can help.”
Kandi’s daughter Riley is doing homework while Todd makes a sandwich and does the food dance. You ever do one of those? You’re so excited you’re going to eat you come up with impromptu dances and songs? Anyway, Riley has to complete idioms i.e. 1) Behind the ___ ball. Riley correctly answers eight. 2) ___ faced. Is it a sign that I watch too much reality TV that my first guess was sh*t faced? Riley actually took a long time to answer so it had to be running through hers too. She ends up blurting out random numbers until she gets to “two.” We find out that she hasn’t been totally thrilled with the Todd situation. She says that within a month of them dating he was in her house. Wow, way to put Kandi on blast! Kandi claims that that wasn’t the case. She was dating him for a while before she allowed him in the house. Yeah, and Bedroom Kandi sells personal massagers.
Kenya meets with Aunt Lori and we’re treated to another closeup of her feet and legs. Is this a running gag or do they do this to all of the housewives? I’ve seen more of Kenya’s legs than Walter although that’s not saying much. Aunt Lori is eager to hear about Walter until Kenya drops the bomb. Walter’s not a psycho and he’s not fawning all over her naked, soaped up body. I’m so repressed. I could never have this type of conversation with my aunt. I wonder if Aunt Lori knows about the fake relationship or if she also had the greased up wool pulled over her eyes along with the rest of us. Aunt Lori says that something is up when men start acting differently and tells Kenya to follow her intuition cuz women know things and ignore them. Like knowing they need therapy…self awareness…oil absorbing sheets.