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This episode picks up where last week left off. Phaedra was giving us one of her trademark angry church lady faces when Kenya asked which two friends Phaedra would let Apollo have as a present. Apollo looked interested but Phaedra, our southern belle, let out an eight letter word to express how mad she was. Then she shut Kenya down.
Apollo: Please say yes. I’ve been so good all year long.
Phaedra: Wait. So I’m not even invited?
Kenya: Okay, forget that. Which one of your friends would you like to slather in oil and then let her leave a grease spot on Apollo’s shirt?
Phaedra shuts Kenya down and deprives the viewing audience from seeing the first ever Real Housewives threesome. Hater! Kenya insists that it was just a joke. Phaedra starts to settle down and says, in her interview, that Kenya needs to put some ice in her panties. Wrong move Phaedra. She would probably enjoy that and use it during foreplay with Apollo.
Due to Kenya’s slurring and flirting, I thought this was all happening at 2 in the morning. Apparently I was way off because Gregg then says that he is going to cook dinner for all of them.
Peter takes all of the guys aside and fills them in on his plans for the vow renewal the next day.
During the dinner, Cynthia mentions that she’s tired because she had to do dirty things to Peter. I believe she referred to it as the 3rd shift. Kandi, not one to be outdone in the sex department, says that she and Todd christened the hot tub. Phaedra and all of her gynecological fears are vindicated! She warns that no one better drink the water and says that Kenya might get pregnant from the water and her baby will look like Todd. Kenya, once again, would probably enjoy that. And did they really do it in the tub? I’m on Phaedra’s side here. That seems like an infection waiting to happen. Oh, and Phaedra says that she is love with her vagina.
Kenya and Walter look uncomfortable during all of the talk of third shift. Either they weren’t doing anything in the bedroom or Walter, the MLK of tow trucks, is fundamentally opposed to employees having to work the third shift.
Walter takes Kenya away from he dinner tale and she teases that it may be her proposal. It turns out that he’s informing her of an upcoming wedding…just not hers. It’s hard to figure this out now that the cat’s out of the bag regarding their staged relationship. Is Kenya so crazy that she started to believe this was real? Or did she want him to go so far as to fake propose to give her a storyline? Whatever it is, I’d sleep with one eye open and all the knives safely locked away if I were him.
Porsha, Kenya and Nene get together because a real Housewives episode wouldn’t be complete without someone getting painted, buffed, scrubbed or rubbed. Porsha is impressed at how civil Kenya is being. I’m impressed at Nene thinking that hairdresser was going to be able to recreate her Peter Pan coif. And Kenya’s hair looked like something out of an Instyler infomercial before the stunt double arrived. Bravo, these are Black women! Please just spring for Miss Lawrence and/or Derek J to travel with them so they can get their hair right.
The ladies get massages and well, their hair looks terrible. Nene tries to put a flower in it but as you’ll see soon, she gave up and just put a scarf on for the ceremony. Kenya starts talking about marriage and Nene provides one of her many lines this year when she says ”Bitch! Who are you in a relationship with, ‘cause it certainly ain’t nobody on this damn island.” It’s kind of funny that old Walt opened his mouth right before this episode aired. I guess he knew that this was going to come up while they were in Anguilla and decided to beat the show to the punch. It didn’t help that millions of people also saw what they thought was his girlfriend flirting with every man in sight. Kenya is offended that Nene is questioning her relationship and tells her to worry about her own. Nene keeps calm and tells her that she’s not hating, she just doesn’t see them as a couple. You’ve got to admit, they did a really bad job of fake dating. They never held hands, kissed or seemed like they were even friends. Kenya assures Nene that she can get a ring and has in fact gotten 6 proposals in her lifetime.
Tip of the week: massage the women as they’re arguing to avoid property damage. Kenya is careful not to anger the boss that is Nene. To hear her tell it, she’s gotten Sheree and Kim fired. Last year on the reunion, it was very eerie that Nene told her to get on the right team and then shortly after Sheree was dismissed. I also heard that the women refused to film unless and until Kim was forced to film as much as they did. Supposedly, Kim is working off the remainder of her contract and has not, in fact, been promoted The other side of that is that Kim’s spinoff did well in the ratings from what I recall. Whatever the truth is, Kenya wisely sidesteps getting into a full-fledged argument and saves her venom for Bambi AKA Porsha.
It’s time for the ceremony! The group heads there for what they think is a white party. Peter says that black people love a white party and damn…he is so right! One of my friends just posted on FB that he showed up to a white party in color. That’s like showing up to a Klan rally with an Obama/Biden bumper sticker on the back of your Prius. No bueno. I find it hilarious that they all apparently packed….white clothing. Of course Nene had to wear a blue skirt but they actually looked great all together. Cynthia is chattier than usual which indicated that she might think something is up or she’s just cranky.
“I had to work that damn third shift again. Now I’ll never know if the Soup Nazi got his armoire back.”
Peter is eagerly awaiting his bride.
Cynthia and the women finally arrive and she is surprised to see so few people for the Prime Minister’s event. She starts to realizes that there is no event; it’s her wedding! This is the wedding they wanted to have instead of the big disastrous one that took place in Atlanta. She starts to tear up a little but in true supermodel fashion she refrains from ruining her makeup. Peter, however, cries like a baby and it’s so sweet. Phaedra says that he’s a Black angel, dressed in white. This woman and the editors at Bravo are a Godsend.
They have their ceremony which consists of them saying that the word “again” over and over to emphasize that this Anguillan woman doesn’t understand why Americans love to do this stuff again and again. It’s a really sweet occasion and when the bouquet is thrown, Nene beats out Kandi and Kenya for it. OMG, Nene’s impression of Gregg cheering in the background almost made me die from laughter. She said he was clapping like the Klumps but he has a lot more work to do to get back together with her. Then they light wish lamps and set them free. Well, most of them do. Kandi’s and Kenya’s crash and burn. We all know why Kenya’s did but Kandi? She’s superstitious so she’s concerned about it. Personally, I think Todd is a sweetheart but I feel like Kandi would date the first decent ,straight guy that came along. I think they’re both great but might be settling because it seems like the right thing to do. You know what I mean? Anyway, they’re just lamps. It’s not the bone throwing man from Africa who was 100% accurate.
Later that night, the women are eating and drinking. Cynthia was really happy with the wedding. You know what that means. There’s got to be some drama. No one is allowed to have any happy, meaningful moments on this show without it being followed up with a fight, threat of a lawsuit or a bizarre quote that will become one cast member’s defining moment. Phaedra is minding her business and eating spoonfuls of whipped cream in preparation for her workout DVD. Nene and Cynthia are eating and talking at the same time, yuck! And Kenya and Porsha are sipping red wine like classy ladies preparing to murder each other. Nene mentions that it’s nice to see the two of them getting along since they started off on the wrong foot. Kenya explains that once you get to know someone and feel them out, you just accept them and their low IQ, no questions asked.Nene asked how everything went wrong and Porsha, the moron she is, starts giving a blow by blow account of the Miss America incident. Porsha starts reliving the moment and gets angry all over again when she recounts how Kenya disrespected her grandfather’s legacy. It all went downhill after that.
“I wasn’t even alive when you and your fake booty and boobs won! You tramp! You tried to have a Chinese man’s baby! That’s so dumb. You would just want another one in an hour!”
“First of all, he was Phillipino! Secondly, 人称代名词[你] 的复数及第2人称单数的现在直说法 名 什么也没有;无;无价的东西 副 毫不;绝不也 不名 母(狗;狼等);泼妇;婊子. Loosely translated, you are nothing bitch!”