RHOA Recap: Holidazed and Confused

Recaps

By L Boogie | Tuesday, January 1, 2013 | 11:43 pm | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

Nene rides a horse. She says that she hopes the horse doesn’t look at her. I know there’s a veneer joke in there but I can’t do it so close to the holidays. She gets on, is really scared and then gets off and promptly gets a drink.

While they’re relaxing on the beach, Cynthia pulls Kenya aside and tells her that she was rude at the Jet Beauty of the Week casting. Kenya explains that she wore inappropriate clothing when she was started doing pageants. One of the judges pulled her aside and told her to change her attire. Key words: pulled aside. She did all of this quite publicly. Kenya claims that the cocchie crack girl contacted her and thanked her for the national embarassment. Kenya wants to handle people the way she would in her environment. Cynthia keeps saying that it wasn’t her environment. It was the Bailey Agency School of Fashionable Magic and Dark Arts! Nene and Phaedra come over and Kenya suddenly wants to end the conversation becuase it’s two months after the fact.Cynthia says that she didn’t realize Kenya would be around that long. Kenya takes the easy way out of an endless argument: roll around on the ground until the voices stop.

Coochie Crack: Not the real thing but an incredible simulation

Nene leads the girls in a yoga class on the beach. I think she said it was Zen and hood. Whatever it was, it involved butt jiggling and splits. The splits are catching; Kyle in BH, Joe in NJ and now Kandi and Kenya. NY and OC need to catch up!

“This is definitely real yoga. I saw it at Tyler Perry’s house.”

That evening the couples get together for dinner. The story turns to how they all got engaged. It’s so sweet. Of course Kenya looks and feels out of place. Peter gets up to make a toast and says that Walter only has a few hours left to propose. Walter is surprised that Kenya told people he would propose and Kenya runs off in pretend embarassment.

Walter: Kenya, what did you tell these people?!
Kenya: Hold on. I’m getting a message from my home planet.

Walter can not believe that she told peple that he would propose. Kenya said that he said anything could happen in the next three days. She feels that he is being mean and she says that she is going back to the hotel. He tells the driver to make sure she gets back safely. Kenya decides to star in a one woman production of Into the Woods and weeps in ilence. Just before she’s about to break into song, Phaedra walks over and comforts her because everybody knows the jungle isn’t safe…from Kenya.

Kenya: Oh Phaedra! Let me put my face back on. I’m actually Viola Davis. I’m doing research for Law & Order: Crazy Bitches Unit.

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15 Comments

  1. 1
    NatPatBen
    Posted January 2, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Thanks for the non-stop laughter! Good to go to bed in a good mood.

  2. 2
    Scooter
    Posted January 2, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Damn! Apollo really knows how to tongue a big hole… “sorry”

  3. 3
    Poppy Blue
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:40 am

    Great recap!

    I like Nene, Phaedra, and Kandi a lot this season. They seem like they are having a good time despite their contractual obligations to RHOA.

    I did not think it was possible, but Cynthia is even more boring this season. But she did inadvertently provide the best reference of the recap: \The Bailey Agency/School? of Fashionable Magic and Dark Arts.\ Seriously, what is her \business\ exactly? Has she accomplished anything with it? Or is she just going to hawk booze like all the other \real\ housewives?

    Porsha is definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she seems harmless enough. I just don’t think she is cut out to hang with these women over the long haul.

    Kenya is beyond delusional. If she isn’t careful, she will be committed to a psych hospital someday! It is crystal clear to me why she isn’t married or a mother; no sane man can put up with her and she obviously hasn’t met the right kind of crazy guy. Btw, I *loved* the line \Kenya seems like she has time for bacterial vaginosis!\

    I am soooo glad Kim is gone. She made my skin crawl with her fake hair, fake boobs, and endless whining. She truly was the most classless of the group, although admittedly that is not saying a whole lot.

    Keep up the good work, LB!

  4. 4
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 1:51 am

    @L Boogie I don’t know about now but back in the day Clermont Lounge was where everybody that did any kind of performance art or in a band played at least once a yr. And went to late at night after playing somewhere else. And after they got a Majestic special. And some birth control from the Plaza Pharmacy.

    It’s true people do strip there. Including some older people. But it’s so not a strip club. There’s not really any way to explain the Clermont Lounge. Except that Bravo doesn’t have any business even knowing about it. Much less shooting scenes there. It’s for artists. Not them.

    That’s so weird how you mentioned Cynthia being dressed up like Run DMC. Because I was just getting tuned up to say I don’t think Greggg’s got isn’t the regular kind of developmental sickness.

    He’s got the Suburban Husband Syndrome. Like Rev Run. 1 of the symptoms is when they can’t be around a pool without taking a fish net to it. They’ll stay there an hour trying to get 1 leaf. Like it was a game at 6 Flags where they could win a big plush duck.

    I’ve started hoping Porsha’s playing a character. Even though that’d mean she’s also playing us. It’s just I hate to see so much shame brought on that family.

    Anyway she’s lying about her part in the twirl fight. She totally called Kenya out of her name. They even ran tape to prove it. I think Kenya did it 1st. But still.

    Kenya made me mad including Walter in her abuse too. Even if she wasn’t paying him we haven’t seen him do 1 abusive thing to her. Not wanting to marry somebody doesn’t count as abuse. Shoot, we’d all be in jail. Serving a consecutive term for every single victim.

    He hasn’t made her any promises. He even told her family straight up that he does want to settle down 1 day. But they’re just getting to know each other. That’s as polite as you can get if somebody makes you meet their family when it’s way too early days and or something you know’s not ever going to be serious.

    The same way “anything can happen” is the polite way to say “no way no how” to somebody without hurting their feelings. No matter how much she paid him you know he didn’t sign up to get called an abuser. Or for her to try to trick him into saying he’d marry her on tv. I wonder if he could sue her for sexual harrassment.

  5. 5
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 4:40 am

    What you know about the Clermont Lounge kthxbai?!?!!?

    It’s an Atlanta landmark. Everyone must go as least once and have Blondie crush a beer can with her boobs for you.

  6. 6
    aliens.rock
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 6:31 am

    IMO all of the RHA people are as dumb as a bag of rock. I listen to them and think” WTF they are saying and why?”. All “husbands” seem so dumb and uneducated. Walter has a really stupid and glassy-eyed face. Porsha, Cynthia, Peter, Appolo, Porsha’s husband, and the rest of MENSA Atlanta Edition memebers… You just know that even though the wheel is spinning, the hamster is long dead.
    P.S. I love how Kandy manages to talk through closed mouth, yet chews with her big mouth wide open. Klassy!

  7. 7
    caligal
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Phaedra is pregnant again. Just thought I’d mention that since my captcha is carry on.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    piggy backing Cali…Nene is supposedly engaged again to Gregg.

  9. 9
    Mimo
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I would think that f-ing Apollo would be much more enjoyable that f-ing Gregg.

  10. 10
    annie annie
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    I was too distracted by Cynthia’s god-awful blue / grey / gunmetal eyeshadow for the past three episodes to really give a shit about anything else.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love me some color….but it aint working for her and what she’s wearing.

  11. 11
    Rosemary's Baby
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    @aliens. I thought I was the only one grossed out by the way Kandi eats. Her lips are always greasy and her lower jaw rotates around like a cow chewing its cud. A cow wearing too much lipgloss, that is.

  12. 12
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    @L Boogie, are you on Twitter? Cuz, I’d love to know your thoughts on this show as it’s happening in real time…..

  13. 13
    L Boogie
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    @Derek Hazelton, I’m on Twitter @RealLaurenSmith. I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t totally get how to use it so I don’t that much BUT I like your idea! This’ll be my new thing for 2013. I’m trying new things everyday, 265 things to be exact.

  14. 14
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    LOL, the only reason I suggest it is because @belowsealevel tweeted with me and @Gypsy during RHONY. It’s actually a great time to live tweet with others (plus, it’s a shorthanded way to remember the show without having to watch it 3 or 4 times!). My asking was more selfish than anything else. If I blow up your Twitter on Sunday nights, don’t block me!

    I’m @dqh257 on there, so I’ll find and “follow” you.

  15. 15
    JennBug
    Posted January 13, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Kenya’s crazy eyes creep me out….I hope it’s an act, but what we’ve heard about her…….hmmmm, not so much.

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