RHOA Recap: Holidazed and Confused

Recaps

By L Boogie | Tuesday, January 1, 2013 | 11:43 pm | 15 Comments
Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Posted in: Real Housewives of Atlanta, Recaps

Cynthia and Peter are grocery shopping at the local food pantry and Peter sees an article on his phone that says Apollo and Phaedra are getting divorced. Apparently Apollo was seen at a strip club or something and they discuss whether they should ask Phaedra about it. They don’t think that Phaedra will be forthcoming with any information. Cynthia decides that she wants to visit a strip club with Peter. Maybe she thinks that if they do this, it’ll build up her marriage’s immunity.

“This will be great. Most of those girls are just putting themselves through school, right?

Porsha and Kordell are at their house lounging in the pool. What do they do all day anyway? Just go to different parts of the house and drink? They discuss Anguilla and Kenya, the woman not the country, and Kordell gushes over how cool the guys are. He loves Apollo, what gal doesn’t, and he makes fun of Peter for being dark skinned and having white hair. I’m sure Peter is sitting somewhere mad as hell…that he didn’t get to hear Kordell lovingly whisper those words in his ear. I honestly could not follow this conversation. It was like an Abbott and Costello record being played backwards.

Cynthia and Peter make it to their strip club, The Clermont Lounge. Cynthia picked it because it sounded classy. I’m from NJ and even I know that at least one place to be is Magic City. Either Cynthia is as dense as we thought, Bravo set her up or Peter told her to go there so she’d let him out of the house more often if he thought there was no temptation. The club wasn’t all that classy and the strippers were a little more mature than they expected. By the way, Cynthia was on a roll this episode with her commentary and jokes. A part of me thinks that maybe she’s coming out of her shell but I also feel like someone is feeding her some lines. I’ve seen her on Watch What Happens Live; it’s like watching paint dry and then flake off after 50 years.

The lounge has been open since 1965 and Cynthia says that she didn’t know the original strippers would be there. I think Peter said that one strpper was 90 and her boobs were 22. These two really come alive around naked women. Apollo and Phaedra show up and Phaedra is thrilled with the scenery. She likes the fact that these women are still proud of their bodies. I must say, it was freaky BUT everyone has a preference. I’ve been saying for years that I could never be a stripper but now there’s hope! Hope and change!

Hope and loose change.

Apollo starts discussing how he and Phaedra ave lost a sense of who they are. Considering that Apollo was locked up for most of his 20s, I don’t think he ever knew who he was. I forget that he’s so young. I also forgot that he’s Inspector Spacetime and isn’t bound by the sector of the time scale. He “don’t live in that.” Additionally, he has not been as “juvial” as he used to be. Now I see why Phaedra gets that look on her face whenever he starts talking. Poor thing. He’s got that jail grammar. There was a skit in In Living Color with Damon  Wayans playing an “educated” prisoner. I guess that’s a real thing. At least he’s trying. Bless his heart and his chiseled chest. Phaedra says that she’s a mom so she can’t do the things Apollo likes to do. His outlet is strip clubs. Phaedra uses her patented method of getting out of conversations which is to completely change the subject. She notices between the folds of skin that one of the strippers has the mascot of her alma mater tattooed on her and gives her all of her money. I didn’t realize that even attorneys were resorting to stripping to make ends meet.

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15 Comments

  1. 1
    NatPatBen
    Posted January 2, 2013 at 7:25 pm

    Thanks for the non-stop laughter! Good to go to bed in a good mood.

  2. 2
    Scooter
    Posted January 2, 2013 at 11:53 pm

    Damn! Apollo really knows how to tongue a big hole… “sorry”

  3. 3
    Poppy Blue
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:40 am

    Great recap!

    I like Nene, Phaedra, and Kandi a lot this season. They seem like they are having a good time despite their contractual obligations to RHOA.

    I did not think it was possible, but Cynthia is even more boring this season. But she did inadvertently provide the best reference of the recap: \The Bailey Agency/School? of Fashionable Magic and Dark Arts.\ Seriously, what is her \business\ exactly? Has she accomplished anything with it? Or is she just going to hawk booze like all the other \real\ housewives?

    Porsha is definitely not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she seems harmless enough. I just don’t think she is cut out to hang with these women over the long haul.

    Kenya is beyond delusional. If she isn’t careful, she will be committed to a psych hospital someday! It is crystal clear to me why she isn’t married or a mother; no sane man can put up with her and she obviously hasn’t met the right kind of crazy guy. Btw, I *loved* the line \Kenya seems like she has time for bacterial vaginosis!\

    I am soooo glad Kim is gone. She made my skin crawl with her fake hair, fake boobs, and endless whining. She truly was the most classless of the group, although admittedly that is not saying a whole lot.

    Keep up the good work, LB!

  4. 4
    kthxbai kthxbai
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 1:51 am

    @L Boogie I don’t know about now but back in the day Clermont Lounge was where everybody that did any kind of performance art or in a band played at least once a yr. And went to late at night after playing somewhere else. And after they got a Majestic special. And some birth control from the Plaza Pharmacy.

    It’s true people do strip there. Including some older people. But it’s so not a strip club. There’s not really any way to explain the Clermont Lounge. Except that Bravo doesn’t have any business even knowing about it. Much less shooting scenes there. It’s for artists. Not them.

    That’s so weird how you mentioned Cynthia being dressed up like Run DMC. Because I was just getting tuned up to say I don’t think Greggg’s got isn’t the regular kind of developmental sickness.

    He’s got the Suburban Husband Syndrome. Like Rev Run. 1 of the symptoms is when they can’t be around a pool without taking a fish net to it. They’ll stay there an hour trying to get 1 leaf. Like it was a game at 6 Flags where they could win a big plush duck.

    I’ve started hoping Porsha’s playing a character. Even though that’d mean she’s also playing us. It’s just I hate to see so much shame brought on that family.

    Anyway she’s lying about her part in the twirl fight. She totally called Kenya out of her name. They even ran tape to prove it. I think Kenya did it 1st. But still.

    Kenya made me mad including Walter in her abuse too. Even if she wasn’t paying him we haven’t seen him do 1 abusive thing to her. Not wanting to marry somebody doesn’t count as abuse. Shoot, we’d all be in jail. Serving a consecutive term for every single victim.

    He hasn’t made her any promises. He even told her family straight up that he does want to settle down 1 day. But they’re just getting to know each other. That’s as polite as you can get if somebody makes you meet their family when it’s way too early days and or something you know’s not ever going to be serious.

    The same way “anything can happen” is the polite way to say “no way no how” to somebody without hurting their feelings. No matter how much she paid him you know he didn’t sign up to get called an abuser. Or for her to try to trick him into saying he’d marry her on tv. I wonder if he could sue her for sexual harrassment.

  5. 5
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 4:40 am

    What you know about the Clermont Lounge kthxbai?!?!!?

    It’s an Atlanta landmark. Everyone must go as least once and have Blondie crush a beer can with her boobs for you.

  6. 6
    aliens.rock
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 6:31 am

    IMO all of the RHA people are as dumb as a bag of rock. I listen to them and think” WTF they are saying and why?”. All “husbands” seem so dumb and uneducated. Walter has a really stupid and glassy-eyed face. Porsha, Cynthia, Peter, Appolo, Porsha’s husband, and the rest of MENSA Atlanta Edition memebers… You just know that even though the wheel is spinning, the hamster is long dead.
    P.S. I love how Kandy manages to talk through closed mouth, yet chews with her big mouth wide open. Klassy!

  7. 7
    caligal
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:09 pm

    Phaedra is pregnant again. Just thought I’d mention that since my captcha is carry on.

  8. 8
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:28 pm

    piggy backing Cali…Nene is supposedly engaged again to Gregg.

  9. 9
    Mimo
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    I would think that f-ing Apollo would be much more enjoyable that f-ing Gregg.

  10. 10
    annie annie
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 5:44 pm

    I was too distracted by Cynthia’s god-awful blue / grey / gunmetal eyeshadow for the past three episodes to really give a shit about anything else.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love me some color….but it aint working for her and what she’s wearing.

  11. 11
    Rosemary's Baby
    Posted January 3, 2013 at 10:20 pm

    @aliens. I thought I was the only one grossed out by the way Kandi eats. Her lips are always greasy and her lower jaw rotates around like a cow chewing its cud. A cow wearing too much lipgloss, that is.

  12. 12
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    @L Boogie, are you on Twitter? Cuz, I’d love to know your thoughts on this show as it’s happening in real time…..

  13. 13
    L Boogie
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 1:34 pm

    @Derek Hazelton, I’m on Twitter @RealLaurenSmith. I’m one of those weirdos who doesn’t totally get how to use it so I don’t that much BUT I like your idea! This’ll be my new thing for 2013. I’m trying new things everyday, 265 things to be exact.

  14. 14
    Derek Hazelton
    Posted January 8, 2013 at 4:11 pm

    LOL, the only reason I suggest it is because @belowsealevel tweeted with me and @Gypsy during RHONY. It’s actually a great time to live tweet with others (plus, it’s a shorthanded way to remember the show without having to watch it 3 or 4 times!). My asking was more selfish than anything else. If I blow up your Twitter on Sunday nights, don’t block me!

    I’m @dqh257 on there, so I’ll find and “follow” you.

  15. 15
    JennBug
    Posted January 13, 2013 at 8:39 pm

    Kenya’s crazy eyes creep me out….I hope it’s an act, but what we’ve heard about her…….hmmmm, not so much.

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