RHOA: Spathetic

Hi Gasmii–

Still hangin’ with this trainwreck? Or like me you may decide to score your fix of quasi-Southern retardation from repeated viewings of the jaw-dropping Johnny Knoxville-produced documentary The Weird & Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, which is quite simply the best reality show pilot I have ever seen, even though I think it’s a one-off because the producers’ lives would be serious danger if they tried to pull some RH shit on these folks. It’s at Amazon and Netflix, where you can also put it in your Instant Queue for immediate gratification. But here we are instead in increasingly tired Atlanta with our shark-leaping layabouts…

AREA rehearsal studio. Kandi is there to “rehearse my new music”, with only a week left “before Kim and I go on the promo tour.” Kandi outlines the situation to “DJ A-1” and back-up vocalists Corey, Jennifer and Lisa. Her label is pressuring her to show “growth” by proving she can really sing, so she has to kick ass on a ballad instead of her usual “up-tempo records”. And to add to the stress, her opening act is melodically challenged switch-hitting aspiring disco diva Wiggy, who breezes in, probably late, with her hapless Choreography Gay Mitchell and no rehearsal heels, then proceeds to foul up the joint song- AND dance-wise with a routine that wouldn’t pass muster at the opening ceremonies of the Special Olympics. Kandi and her krew stare, dumbfounded. Kim of course has plenty of excuses ready– the best of which is that she’ll be much better when she has her stage-outfit on.

Where does Kandi even begin to critique this? First, Kim is so stiff and mechanical she’s practically mumbling the steps aloud. Kim can sense that Kandi’s smelling flop-sweat (“…the pressure of the tour is definitely getting to her,” Kim air-headedly tells us). Kandi instructs Kim to remember to intersperse some crowd-hyping into the routine and to keep practicing until it becomes “second nature”. Kandi interviews that no matter how badly Kim needs it, Kandi can’t take time away from her own prep to teach the cow how to sell a song. Kandi does tell her that on a promo tour like this, “you can’t give” the audience “anything negative to say”; in other words, don’t fuck this up for me, you lazy spoiled bitch.

“Something stinks– oh, wait. It’s my dancing, singing and attitude.”

City Living Home Furnishings. Sheree attempts to make up for 24 years of distant, selfish mothering by buying shockingly cute ‘n’ normal daughter Tierra a couch. “Tierra has very expensive taste. She’s used to nice things. It runs in the family,” Sheree interviews. Atlanta has lots of gun shops, so maybe they can stop there next and buy me one so I can blow my brains out. Tierra hungrily eyes dining tables, barstools and $10K paintings. I’m a Recap Artist, not Suze Orman, but I think her furniture dollar would go further if she tried shopping at stores that don’t serve champagne when you walk in the door. Unlike her mother, Tierra works for a living, so after Sheree picks out a sofa for her, Tierra leaves and Sheree reveals her plot to the saleslady: she’s going to furnish the gal’s entire living room and surprise her at a housewarming party. Even though Sheree will doubtlessly be imposing her own piss-elegant taste on every last square-foot, it’s still a very nice gesture from this very shallow woman. $7400. Charge it!

Fernbank Museum of Natural History. Cynthia & NeNe arrive to scope out the location of Cyn’s wedding reception, which is perfect since she’s marrying a fossil. In just 4 short weeks, she’s going to be Mrs Grampa Peter. Cynthia tells us that she always wanted the most “non-traditional” wedding possible. Sadly, this will end up being like every other one and end in divorce. NeNe, ever-supportive, tells Cyn she’s done lost her MAHHHND, then interviews that getting married under an enormous dinosaur skeleton is childish and silly. NeNe wants to know if Cynthia “was fo’ real about that friendship contract”. The producers Cynthia wrote up the document in question last ep in a vain attempt to juice up a dull storyline with some grade-school nonsense. Cyn tells NeNe this was a funny way to let NeNe know how much Cyn values their friendship. NeNe replies that it was just “weird”. Cynthia says it was obviously meant as a joke, then reacts, annoyed, when NeNe admits to showing it to Kim. “It was just for you,” Cyn pouts, and it hurts her feelings that they were laughing about it behind her back “like it wasn’t coming from a good place.” This is all starting to sound a little Danielle Staub-ish, Gasmii, but I really couldn’t care less.

Recording studio. Kandi’s about to lay down an urgent track when she gets a call from Phaedra, who’s “overwhelmed” at the burdens required of a top wife, top mother, top Southern belle and top attorney-2-da-thugz. Kandi knows how it is, and suggests a Girls’ Day Out in which Phae accompanies the Wives to a top spa. Shockingly, Phaedra’s all for it. With that out of the way, Kandi gets down to recording a new song which she says holds a lot of meaning RE: her doomed relationship with very late, very fertile ex-fiance AJ. Kandi’s tried dating since their break-up and his sudden death, but nothing’s clicked. If you ask me, she can do much, much better, but she still has an album to put out and this is a good way to process these feelings. The song is an R&B ballad about a lost love and Kandi’s having trouble with the vocal. She gets emotional during the interview-bite and tells us she just can’t it together, behind the mic or in her personal life. But she keeps going and her engineers Selasi and Blue give her raw, heartfelt performance a thumbs-up!

“Are you two on Facebook? Because Andy Cohen said he wants to poke you.”

NeNe’s tract mansion. NeNe’s on her computer staring at a column of A-list super-celebrity guests from which she’s expected to book her first Channel 11 interview feature, a fact NeNe tells us she wasn’t aware of “when I took the job”. I think Oprah and Janet Jackson are long-shots, but she might be able to land Jermaine Dupri, whoever that is. NeNe phones “Celebrity Publicist Kaiser“, who’s one busy queen, apparently, but has time to patronizingly tell her no on Jay-Z (in Europe) and Toni Braxton (in L.A.). Next she calls Teresa (aka Bow Wow‘s mom) (in Miami) and Serena Williams‘ assistant (go fuck yourself). As the “dopey Housewife” music boobles in, so does NeNe’s cuter, younger son Brentt, and his little friend Jack, who looks perfect for a Disney Channel show but unfortunately doesn’t have any celeb phone numbers on him. We also learn that NeNe forbids Brentt to grow an afro. NeNe then gets Jermaine Dupri (what did I tell you)’s assitant Saptosa on the line. “Saptosa”?!? Really? It sounds like a fatal medical condition. But the prognosis is semi-favorable: Sappy will check Mr Dupri’s sked and get back to her.

Phaedra’s tract mansion. Kandi arrives to visit Phaedra, her huge breasts, and 10-pound, big-handed newborn Ayden Adonis. Phae whips out a teat and feeds the kid under a custom designer spit-up rag as she starts a nice fat gossip session. “Crazy Cynthia walks up to me rollin her neck– she’s like ‘is there somethin you wanna tell me about your baby?’” Phae recounts. “‘Kandi told us it was full-term’.” Kandi says that “the girls” do think Phae’s a liar, which she is, but Kandi shouldn’t have confirmed it. Phaedra glosses over this annoying bit of truth, leaping back on the offensive. How dare Cynthia speculate that little AA “was an alien” and might not have had the correct number of digits. Meaning fingers/toes, and not weeks spent in her stanky womb. Kandi mentions that Kim “felt the strongest” about Phae’s bullshit and chided Kandi for believing Phae’s pathetic attempt to obfuscate her own pre-marital nooky.

And how dare Kim “worry about dis baby when you datin a married man?!” Phae scoffs. “You might be on yo’ way to hell,” she adds. “Might”? Chile, please. Satan‘s already got a nice row of fiberglass wig-heads lined up for the bitch. Recognizing an easy target when she sees it, Phae keeps up the Kim-bashery, her diction and grammar getting worse by the second: “You needs to chill!” she says RE: Kim. “I got a husband, so no matter whatchoo say, dis baby is born in wedlock! You can date a married man, you can sleep wit’ a lady, you can do whutevah you wan’… as long as it don’ affect me, coo. I wudn’t even trippin on Kim until she talkin crazy about mah baby. Ah’m lahk, rilly? Ah owe you an explanation? Some crazy slut from The Cheetah Club?” (Points for the Showgirls reference, Phae!) You like ta get yo’ WIG pulled off.”

“Only when he won’t shut up… and always OPEN-handed…”

Kandi interviews that if Phae decides to mix it up with Kim, Wiggy will come back swinging. And, she tells Phaedra, Kim thinks you’re a straight-up baldfaced LIAR. Well Kim’s “whole lifestyle is a lie!” Phae stupidly counters, telling us that it really “pisses me off” for Kim to be yakking about her wedlocked baby. Next time Phae sees Kim, she’s going to “put her in check” and “ask her about all this chatter.” Phaedra points out that AA has all his fingers and toes (just no foreskin– thanks, Mama, you ignorant toad) and “his own hair”, thus not needing “a wig”. I’m extremely curious about what Courtroom Phaedra sounds like, and if she ever reverts to her stereotypical “Lawdy Lawdy” schtick when she gets in front of an African-American judge, just to try to score a few points. I would so find her sassy ass in contempt, wouldn’t you?

Kim’s townhouse. Kim’s “stuck in traffic”, so chubby tween daughter Ariana and whiskey-voiced junior-high cockteaser Brielle let in Kim’s spacey Gay Stylist Dean, along with Fag & Hag “Shoe Stylists” Chris and Jennifer, because Kim can’t possibly wear any of the 899 pairs she already owns on this sure-to-be cataclysmic concert tour. Ariana straps on a pair of the above and stomps back and forth across Kim’s “World’s Most Spoiled Drag Queen” bedroom, which is a great way for the tot to break a cankle. Kim finally jiggles in, pretends to care about the kids’ day, then focuses on the one she really cares about, Dean and his big trunk o’ tramp-wear. “Hi, love, I miss you!” she Salahi-bellows at the dippy dresser.

Kim explains that the tour consists of her opening for Kandi in Charlotte, Miami and Whorelando. Is Kim “enjoying” “the dance part”? No. She’s much more concerned with “a wardrobe malfunction” like what happened last time in Palm Springs when her pink tutu kept blowing up around her barely-anchored bazooms. Dean trots out a variety of stunningly immodest fashion choices that range from Adult Video News Awards to Merely Slutty. “Side boob is the new butt-cleavage”, he helpfully remarks. Kim worries a little about shocking the Lord-lovin’ residents of Charlotte, and even less about “influencing” her daughters to dress like hookers.

“Maw-awm! The boys at school want you to buy me an abstinence ring, too!”

Tierra’s apartment. Sheree arrives early to find Fag & Hag decorators Brandon and Dorinda overseeing the surprise mini-home makeover. They’ve obviously been watching a lot of Tabatha’s Salon Takeover if the huge red stripes on the living room walls are any indication. Some of the ugliest glass knickknacks you’ve ever seen are liberally sprinkled over most available surfaces– one of the vases looks like a shellacked human stomach, complete with veins and arteries. Delish! Keeping with the medical theme, Sheree also spent 800 bucks on a huge painting that, let’s face it, looks like the rug at an abortion clinic. A bunch of people we’ve never seen before show up, followed by Tierra and live-in BF Damon. Tierra looks more stunned than thrilled, and Damon has the best line, asking Sheree if they’ll be getting a bill in two days. How great would it be for T to send all this shit back and pocket the cash?

Casa Cynthia. Cyn is in shrill, hyper-bride mode, obsessing over the RSVP’s with sister/assistant Malorie, who has good news– Cynthia’s been requested by super-famous designer/cha-cha queen AZ Araujo to model at Miami Swim Week. Not bad for a 40-ish broad, let me tell you. If you don’t know who AZ is, picture a lost gay Brazilian Jonas Brother with huge 80′s hair. He’s kind of hilarious, so I hope he features in a later episode, preferably with Fossilized Fiance throwing a jealous tantrum about Cynthia appearing semi-naked in public. Cyn is thrilled, since she and Gramps need every penny to help defray the cost of this obscene, million-dollar mistake wedding. As an ex-teen model myself, I did find it weird that all this happened without any sign of an agent, who would normally be the one to broker the deal, set a fee, establish that you won’t be wearing a bikini, THEN put you in contact with the designer. Maybe Cynthia fired hers to come down South and be with Grampa. Oy. Cyn and Mal return to their invite list, and speculate about whom Kim will bring to the wedding: a girl or a guy? Um, who cares? Everyone will be shitfaced, especially Cynthia.

AREA. Kandi tries on a longish, semi-bright-red wig, which, she says, will freshen up her image on the tour. It’s cute, right, not prostitutional like the one Kim gave her for her b-day, although Kandi does tell us this new wig transforms her into “Kandi the Stripper”. She practices singing in it and it flies off. Always funny. “How does Kim keep that wig on when Sheree tugged at it?” Kandi asks. Lots and lots of dried semen, I’m guessing.

“Did you know symptoms of saptosa include fever, excessive mucus production and tarry stools?”

NeNe’s Range Rover. NeNe gets Saptosa, the publicist, not the degenerative disease… on the phone again when Sappy calls to say Jermaine Dupri is available for NeNe’s interview segment “tomorrow at 1:30″. That’s almost as good as Oprah, right? Jermaine is, I just learned, a super-famous rapper and producer who discovered Kandi’s old group Xscape, annoying butch Surreal Life star Da Brat, and even had a hand in Destiny’s Child‘s monster hit first album. He’s richer than any of us are probably gonna get, so shut my mouth. NeNe is xstatic, and pulls over to call her boss Ellen at Channel 11. I was praying Ellen would go “Who?” but no, she says it’s a “big get” and is very satisfied. She tells NeNe to “ask the Janet Jackson question”, so I guess they’ve fucked, and reminds NeNe to use her “listening skills” during the interview, which is somewhat akin to her “indoor voice”.

Arista, the “medical spa”, not the record label. “Hi, love!” Kim Salahis at Sheree, who joins Kim, Kandi and Phae for god-knows-what scientific pampering. Phae starts things off by dissing the flower arrangement (“It’s not real”) in the lobby, then proceeds to mutually ignore Kim. “I’m glad Phaedra came out,” Kim interviews. “She could stand to get a few things done.” LOL. Next to arrive is Cynthia, who gets Salahi’d by Kim, commenting to us that “One minute I’m a beautiful super-model, the next a raging psychopath.” Welcome to Rachel Hunter‘s world. Sheree asks Kim “what’s up with Tight Ass,” referring to NFL stud Kroy Biermann, who Kim met at Sheree’s dance recital a few very long weeks ago. Kroy and Kim will be going out when he gets back in town, and Kim confesses she’s terrified he may have “a small wee-wee”, in which case she’ll “run like hell!” He probably won’t be as hung as DJ Tracy Young, but I think they’ve banned steroids in football so at least his balls should be normal.

NeNe comes in just as Kandi is suggesting a Girls’ Getaway for Cynthia before her wedding. The getaway should be the day of, if you ask me, and Sheree should drive. But Kandi’s thinking instead that the gang come down to Miami for the concert and “a bachelorette party”. Good plan, since guys in Miami looooove to bang models. What?! Gramps isn’t going to be dead for a while so this might be Cyn’s last chance for sex with someone not on a cocktail of Geritol and Cialis. Kim assures Cynthia that monogamy is great, and when her ex-sugar daddy Pig Boppa was out of town, “I’d jam myself.” Lovely! Like you, NeNe is grossed-out by this, and Phaedra makes one of her unfortunate faces, but immediately offers to hire “the male strippers”– she knows all the good ones in Miami. “I know a stripper who can give hisself head,” Phae remarks. Oh, who doesn’t. Note to the RHOA post-production staff: STOP correcting Phae’s grammar in the subtitles! She so doesn’t deserve that.

OK, Channel 11 News has a new billboard!

“Phaedra puts up this front that she’s this Southern belle, but she knows a man who makes a living by sucking on his own wee-wee?” Kim scoffs via interview. I love it when these bitches alternate between TMI and being grievously offended when the next chick over-shares. Everyone’s getting along a little too well, so Sheree pipes up suggesting they all sign a friendship contract. Cynthia can’t believe anyone’s still talking about her little joke with NeNe. Kim points out the clause whereby the contract is nullified only in the event of the death of Cyn or NeNe and that “weirded me out”. Cynthia interviews that many things weird HER out about Kim, including her posing as a singer, constantly wearing wigs, and carrying on a long-term affair with a married man.

Cynthia indignantly insists the contract was all in fun, and Kim never was supposed to see it anyway, but since she did: No, Cynthia’s not in love with NeNe or stalking her or anything else. NeNe is loving this and tells us it’s great to see Cyn “finally” stand up for herself against “tough cookie” Kim. A tough, stale, wine-soaked cookie. When Kim tells Cynthia that NeNe’s Kim’s long-time pal and Kim only wants to “protect” her, Kandi interviews that “One minute NeNe is choking you and the next minute you’re protecting her?! You need to just protect yo’self, honey.” Cynthia derisively points out that Kim was “smoking a cigarette” while she ripped on the contract, to which Kim replies “Bitch, I will smoke till the day I f*ckin die!”

Which’ll be real soon if Phaedra has her say. Because now it’s time for Phae to show off digi-cam pix of little Ayden Adonis. “Oh, my God, the lips are sick!” Kim comments, puffing her own unnatural facial labia as she dishes up this compliment. NeNe thinks the baby “looks a lot like his dad”, kept, luscious Apollo, who’s been oddly absent from the show lately. Phae says the baby weighed “7 pounds, 23 ounces” and was “22 inches long”. And while they’re “bringing up some shtuff,” Phaedra says to the group (and yes, she obviously decided to say “stuff” instead of “shit”), she knows “everyone was chattering about my due date… in particular YOU, Miss Kim.” Phae thinks Kim is “two-faced” and “an *sshole” for talking smack about “unborn children”.

“I snapped this pic just as the saucer took off and they started the rectal probe…”

Kim interviews that everyone has been talking about Phae’s bullshit but now Kim is the public scapegoat. Kim isn’t about to let this slide, and clarifies to Phae that she did NOT call the baby “an alien”, but Kim knew damn well Phae wasn’t “5 and a half months pregnant” because Kim’s a nurse, “a registered nurse!” “I would love to see that documentation,” Phae drawls. And so would I, because Kim’s nursing qualifications seem to be expanding faster than Phae’s mom Pastor Regina on all-fritter diet. Kim warns Phaedra not to “get it f*ckin twisted”, because “now you got me pissed!” Phae may not think Kim is “educated”, but “believe it or not, I did go to school!” So Kim knows what Phae was spinning wasn’t medically feasible.

“Oh, I believe it when you say Apollo was raised by white trash…”

“And why’s that?”

“‘Cause every night before he goes to sleep he has a pig-in-a-blanket!!!”

Phaedra is so pleased with her “Just because you strip out of a nurse’s outfit does not make you a nurse” line she repeats it again via interview. Kim tells Phae and the group that no doctor on the planet would “induce” a seven-month fetus. NeNe interviews that no way is Phae going to admit she lied, and she’s right, of course: Phae insists that she can tell the Wives whatever she wants, that’s “me and my HUZ-bin’s bidness”. Phae hears a lot about Kim, but she doesn’t go around saying that “Pig Boppa’s in foreclosure, cuz that’s not my bidness!” Kim says SHE doesn’t go around saying Phae’s husband’s a convicted car thief. Everyone is shocked! Phaedra declares that “this is some bullsh*t 1950′s drama… cut it with the bullsh*t!” Um, the biggest bullshitter in the scene is YOU, Phug-nuts. But Phaedra thinks she’s won this one: “Miss Kim seems to backin down cuz she knew I was a crazy black woman.” Congratz– that’s the first true statement to come out of your mouth, Phae.

Next week: Kim proves she’s a nurse to Phaedra. NeNe thinks Jermaine is a loxy interview. Brielle and Kim have a tearful farewell. Kim disses her tour bus. Cynthia fights with Gramps.