RHOA: Thanks for the Mammaries

Hi Gasmii—

I’m sure you’ve all been sitting home thinking “This season of RHOA was so complex and conflict-ridden we desperately need a bobble-headed, cross-eyed fame-whore who conveniently-for-him runs the network to sort it it out all out for us!” Well, some prayers ARE answered, and Bobble carved a chunk from her back-breaking schedule to flit down to The Big Peachy and try to pretend something actually happened this season besides professional, educated black women finding in Phaedra Parks their least-welcome spokesperson since Khia. (You know, the chick who does “My Neck, My Back, My Pussy & My Crack”.)

Tonight’s show is brought to you not-live from The Georgia Aquarium, “the largest in the world”, because, Miss A explains, being with these Housewives is “sometimes” like being in a shark-tank! I think a cow-pasture or a pig-farm would have been much more appropriate (and cheaper), but apparently the livestock in question vetoed the idea when they heard Kim & NeNe would be present. So we get to see Andy’s head bobbing in front of an actual mock-sea-view. It would be great if he had buttons to push that would whoosh nasty bitches down a chute and into the tank, like Kim Jong-il did in Trey Parker & Matt Stone’s hysterical marionette comedy Team America: World Police.

I have to say all the women look pretty good so far and I especially love Kandi‘s kascading kurls…

OK, now we have the niceties out of the way, so let the ripping commence.

Bobble intro’s a clip package showing off the gals’ “assets”, i.e. everyone’s tits, Cynthia’s legs, Phaedra’s butt and, apparently, Kim’s “slave” Sweetie‘s belly-roll. It’s kind of hard to be sure what was actually transpiring at the aquarium that night, but The Editors would have us believe Kim & NeNe sat there rolling their eyes and making “I-smell-shit” faces every time the other opened her yap, which, in this instance, involves NeNe proudly owning her nose-job and Kim revealing that she had her saline implants swapped out for silicone along with a nipple-lift. “Is Kroy happy with them?!” Bobble leers, referring of course to Kim’s latest baby-daddy, gluteally gifted NFL star Kroy Biermann, who, Cynthia points out, is quite pleased with the twins since Kim’s preggo. And sporting what has to be the biggest wig she’s ever appeared in– it’s a fucking human-hair shawl!

Speaking of Cyn, she handles the extreme cattiness of the other HW’s while she was modeling swimsuits with characteristic aplomb, politely suggesting that the hata’s strut their saggy shit down a runway and let Cyn elucidate THEIR figure-flaws. I don’t see that happening any time soon, d’you? Kim insists she’s 32 and knows that “caking on” make-up (Miss Andy’s term) makes her look older, but that’s how she rolls, so fuggit. Kandi admits to having lipo and then gaining 15 pounds because she thought she could eat whatever she wanted. LOL. Cynthia’s had fat sucked out of her thighs and promises us she’s not bulimic.

Kim says she’s 5 months pregnant, leading us into a CP about how her tangled love-life, which included lesbians, married men, and eating NFL butt…

OK, she doesn’t admit to that, but she went there, trust me. I would. Have you seen his butt?

In fact, I’d probably keep Kroy face-down in the pillow with that ass pointing toward heaven as much as I possibly could. Have you seen his face?! Kim gets testy when a viewer wonders via e-mail if ex-mega-sugah daddy Pig Boppa could be the father of her new future fuck-up. “That’s disgusting,” Kim sniffs, deeply offended. She also claims to have quit smoking completely but when Kandi is put on the spot and says she “doesn’t know” if that’s true, it immediately makes me think that’s one pack-a-day fetus. Does NeNe think Kim, as her ancient psychic Rose foretold in Season 2, will be with Kroy “forever”? “I really don’t care,” NeNe snips. Join the club, girl!

Speaking of future splits, now it’s time to discuss Cynthia’s tortured season-long walk down the aisle to become Mrs Gramps. Nothing of interest here, except Cynthia did sign a pre-nup, which is slightly moot considering Gramps will probably drop dead before Cyn’s Housewife fame earns her any amount of money he might try to sleaze away from her. And the strange non-gushing in general about what is normally a honeymoon period from Bride Cyn. Oh, well. No one’s forcing her to be the keeper of his FloMax. That’s all her!

Now Miss Andy’s stirring the pot, trying to amp NeNe’s “obvious” lust for Gramps…

“Like, OMG! Don’t you SOOOO like have a crush on him?!! Don’t you just??!”

NeNe, who is even more of a bitch tonight than she was all season, acts deeply offended. She is not a creeper, she is not a cheater, she has been with her man fo’ 14 years! Um, all the woman (Andy) asked was if you had a crush on the old fart. And um, Neens, didn’t you spend half this season prepping a divorce from your husband? Jayyyyzus. Does Sheree think NeNe and Gramps once boffed? No.

Miss Andy turns to comic-relief Phaedra, “our own Scarlett O’Hara“. Except Scarlett owned Phae’s ancestors and was hot. Phae must first answer to charges of racism for the whole Apollo white-trash canned-foods-and-packed meats nonsense. Phae rather eloquently explains that this is a private joke between her and Apollo and wasn’t meant to decry all honkies. Then a viewer insinuates they don’t believe Phae was ever “an equestrian”. Well she’s brought the pix to prove it. Then Kandi stands by her dismissal of the insanely overwrought baby shower (where Phae cavorted with ballet dancers and had rhinestones dripping from her inch-thick eye make-up) as boughetto. NeNe agrees with Kandi. Phae makes this face:

OK, finally some friction. Bobble points out that NeNe called Phae “Phakedra” for insinuating that they “grew up together in Athens“. Meaning NeNe’s accusing Phae of trying to bolster Phae’s own fame by claiming they knew each other. No, NeNe’s right, Phae concedes, they didn’t hang out together because NeNe is significantly older than Phae. Meow! NeNe says “I just turned 43″ and Phaedra’s all “OK, congratulations, whateva you say, bitch.” Which is kind of random since NeNe is, by all accounts, 43. Thrilled that something is actually happening, Bobble races to NeNe’s repeated slams about Phae’s self-proclaimed title of Top Entertainment Attorney: Bobby Brown was 10 years ago. “Your claim to fame is this show,” Phae snaps. “I’m PRE-Housewives!” Bobble says all the Housewives dissed her at some point in the season (he leaves out Sheree, who, to be fair, was barely in it this year), but Phaedra says the only one she had a problem with was NeNe, who was out to get her from Day One. NeNe says Phae called her unladylike and Phae says if NeNe is “fabulous” then Phae is happy to be unfabulous. Is anyone else missing Camille and Fishface and Giggy Vanderpump right now? This show has become a total slice of whogivesafuck.

Bobble next brings up NeNe Tweeting that one of the HW’s is “a transvestite”. NeNe won’t say who– if she wanted the drag-queen in question to know, she would have called shim directly. “Isn’t that what they say about you?” Kim drawls. NeNe: This ain’t no man, honey. Kim: Well you can’t get more woman than [me being] pregnant…

Sheree & Cynthia deny being she-males, too.

“A hit dog WILL holla,” NeNe sagely informs us. Time for Emotional NeNe clip package. She’s still divorcing Gregg (“not an angel”) and hasn’t spoken to Dwight (“social-climber”). Dwight and Phaedra are still tight, though, in case you were worried.

Next on the Bobble agenda: Kim and neckless slave-sistant Sweetie. Cue up the kooky, abusive clips! First question: Kim, does Sweets still work for you? Yes. And for how long? 11 years. Whoa. WHAT?! First of all, how old is Sweetie? And second of all, Kim claims to be 32. So why come she need a personal assistant when she were 21 year old trailer trash?!! The only way this math makes sense is if Sweetie started off as a teen babysitting Brielle and then graduated to majordumbo of Kim’s household when her boss’s golddigging skills started paying off. Then a fan “from Brooklyn” has the gall to ask why Kim even needs an assistant:

“You never seem to do anything but drink, eat and shop.”

To quote Martha Stuart’s daughter Alexis: Ooooh, cunty! Kim rolls her eyes, apparently used to answering this question several times a day. “I do have a wig line, I do have a book, I’m doing music, I do have two kids–” Bobble interrupts– she didn’t know Kim was now an author. She sheepishly admits it’s about “my relationship– how to land your own Pig Boppa in a roundabout kinda way.” Notice you’re no longer WITH Pig Boppa, Dr. Syph-Phil… Here’s a title for you: The 10 Habits of Highly Parasitic People.

Then Kim defends herself for being a condescending demanding horror and Phaedra gives a douchey condescending speech about civil rights and NeNe says she doesn’t think Kim’s racist, just a total bitch. But then NeNe goes on to reference a night out with Pig Boppa, ex-HW Lisa Wu Hartwell & Sheree in which PB referred to Sweetie as a “black bitch”. OK, that IS right on the edge. I certainly don’t mind good friends or even employers calling me “Rican slut” or something clever with “spic” in it if we’re in the moment and giving each other shit. But, as I’m sure my reader of color will agree, if there’s even an inkling that this is how they REALLY feel, it’s a different story. Although Pig Boppa’s not on trial here, Kim is. And she rather vehemently reminds the gals of this.

NeNe turns things back to the tour-bus and mentions that she heard Kim was telling Sweetie to “Sit!” like she was talking to her dog. Kim says it’s none of NeNe’s beeswax how she talks to her own assistant, but NeNe says it is when Kim does it in front of a group of people, which gravely offended NeNe. NeNe says others were also disgusted with this, including Kandi. Kandi says that’s true, but that it’s between Kim and Sweetie. However, Kandi would not want Kim to speak that way to her. Kim & NeNe bicker. NeNe called Sweetie “a slave”. Well, NeNe was just commenting on the way Kim was treating her.

Yap yap yap squall screech snip. The End.

Of course, we’re only halfway through this. They’re saving Phaedra’s pregnancy horse-manure for the next hour so I’m holding out a shred of hope for a little toxic juice. What did y’all think of Part Uno? Hello? Is this thing on? If you want some real bloodshed, please check out Horrorgasm on this very site for my shameless worship of the 1975 terror classic Deep Red!