RHOA: When the Rainbow is Not Enough

Damn You Gasmii—

Your voracious needs control my every waking moment! I know it’s actually Bravo‘s fault for slicing up this stank RHOA season into too many episodes. So most weeks we’ve had nothing happen in an hour, but last ep’s tour-bus antics were so all-fired exciting Miss Andy needed 75 minutes for it (and tonight’s). I certainly enjoyed our last ‘Gasm together much more than recent weeks’, but all this pales next to the terrifying toxic wax museum that was the RHOBH finale! Holy fucking shit, dolls! I do have to say that I come down on the less popular, more annoying, non-Flipit side of the sister brawl and support Kyle 100%.

My uncle is basically the town drunk of one of San Juan‘s oldest, stateliest neighborhoods and has SO much in common with alky icon Kim Richards. For every charming, once-hot, lovable victimmy addict, there’s at least one long-suffering family member cleaning up their messes. That would be my dad, Papa LaBiblia. But that’s not funny and this blog is supposed to be, so let me just quickly tell you to watch the RHOBH finale even if you haven’t seen any other episodes. This one is the season in a slut-shell. Then you can not only savor Flippy’s hysterical new Recap, you can still join in on the sure-to-be-emotionally-holocaustic Reunion.

Tour bus. NeNe hitched a ride with Kim & Kandi on their koncert mini-tour of the Southeast, and the resentment percolating between on-again besties NeNe & Kim exploded into screams and horror when NeNe decided to lash out at Kim for Wiggy’s “disrespectful” (NeNe’s word) treatment of her “fool” (NeNe’s word) assistant Sweetie. Obviously still hurt by Kim freezing her out of the smash dance hit “Tardy for the Party”, NeNe bashed Kim’s lame songstressing, then lunged at the bewigged beeyotch. Kandi and her peevish tour-manager Don Juan have to hold the Channel 11 news intern back! Kim asks if NeNe’s “gonna strangle me again”, to which NeNe says yes, definitely, if Kim doesn’t shut her Kroy-sucking yap. “I am a grown-ass woman,” NeNe interviews, and Kim must speak to her “with a little bit more respect. This ain’t Sweetie!” Clearly, since you have a neck. We all saw you roll it. Kim tells NeNe to get her sassy finger out of Kim’s face. NeNe threatens to throw Kim from the bus.

“I’m having a nip-slip and NO ONE GIVES A SHIT!”

Miami estate/tour bus. Kim’s “friend Thomas” has loaned his super-swanky villa to the gals for a bachelorette pajama party celebrating Cynthia‘s last days as a free future widow. Phaedra, Cyn & Sheree arrive at the house just as the tour bus rolls in. The Editors want us to believe the bus-board shouting match is happening simultaneously, but you can see under the shades that they’re on a highway during the main chunk of catfighting. Kim is the first one off. “I’m so happy to see Sheree’s smiling face,” Kim says, uttering those words for the first and probably last time they’ll ever be spoken aloud. NeNe stomps off next, with the immediate pouty disclaimer that this was supposed to be “an all-girls weekend” but Kim told Sweetie and Don Juan they could sleep here, too. So, no fair! Kim starts tattling about all the physical threats NeNe just made against her, including vehicular homicide, neck-snapping and eyeball-popping. Sheree/Cyn/Phae just stand there, agape.

Cyn asks if they can please have booze now, then interviews that this was meant to be a relaxing getaway from all her drama with elderly fiance Peter. Sheree tells us she’s shocked at “the amount of anger and hate” exhibited by NeNe & Kim, then adds that it’s not the time to announce she invited weave queen/aspiring transvestite pop star Flawrence to join them, too. At least DJ and Celebrity Wig Stylist Derek J will have someone to cruise Manhunt.net with. Phae/Cyn/Sheree have to drag beleaguered Kandi out of the bus. She steps down just in time to hear NeNe say “You betta watch yo’ mouf, Kim, ‘fo I end up slappin you!” NeNe explains that “when I git up in Kim’s face, it’s sorta like I’m chestizing a child.” Kim’s bosom shows ample signs of chestizement, so maybe Neen’s right.

At this point, the whole spat seems forced and fakey, like The Producers told NeNe to antagonize Kim throughout the Welcome-To-My-Rich-Friend’s-Crib segment. Who is this so-called “friend” of Kim’s anyway? Well, he’s Thomas Kramer, a senior-citizen “real estate mogul” whose decorating philosophy can best be summed up as More Is More, or Taxidermy Bordello. NeNe is again lamenting to Cynthia the defilement of their HW-only Frisky-N-Flirty bachelorette party and if riff-raff like personal assistants and tour managers and wig stylists are gonna crash it, then wahhh! Derek J is standing right there but he’s probably hidden from NeNe by her own gazongas. “Hi, love!” Kim Salahi‘s to their host, who has a bemused expression, a Eurotrash accent and some stuffed family pets in the foyer. Kim begs NeNe to turn down the volume and show some respect, but NeNe shoos WIggy away as Thomas strolls up to see what kind of female trouble he’s gotten himself into.

“Vhich vun of you ist Patti Schtanger? I’m ready fur mein Mini-Date!”

Cyn/Phae/Sheree listen as NeNe declares Kim “a monster full of trash”. NeNe make intro’s to Thomas and Cynthia, who’s charmed by his courtly Austrian accent and obvious but skilled facial work. NeNe’s goes like this: To Thomas: Hi, I’m NeNe! (Aside to Kim: Would you SHUT up!?) NeNe (to Tom): I’m so surprised that you’re friends with [Kim]. Kim (to NeNe): Are you for real?

Thomas has words of encouragement ready: “You wanna fight or you wanna have a good time? Dis is Flohreeda, de Zunzhine Schtate!” Because they just came from Georgia, the Chilly Overcast State. Sheree & Phaedra remain outside pumping Kandi for “the real deal” on NeNe & Kim’s latest feud. Kandi recounts the highlights, including the whole Sweetie-is-Kim’s-slave debate. Sheree, who’s quite comfortable with treating people like they were purchased in a New Orleans market, interviews that Sweetie is a grown-ass woman and if she wants to get paid to be abused by Kim, bless her heart.

Inside, the spat, or what I am increasingly convinced is a Kim/NeNe improv, continues. Kandi, Sheree & Phaedra enter, and Phae makes typically ig’nint remarks like referring to the stuffed German shepherd as “Cujo” (he was a St Bernard, phug-nuts) and “Looks lahk I need to git some holy on in dis castle!” Cuz it look mahty Satanical all up in heeah and I’s afraida ghostseses! I can only imagine that most educated 21st-century African-Americans feel about Phae the way my gays felt about the little flamer from Glee‘s Golden Globe speech. Mario Cantone felching Nathan Lane? Less gay than that speech. Thomas excitedly kisses all the HW’s, or, as he refers to them, “Ze Best uv Ahtlahnta!” His house is gorgeous but there’s so much shit in it, it looks like a store. Where you can buy a giant silver rooster. Or matching life-size maid and butler mannequin statues (thankfully not black, but the heavily lipsticked maid COULD be Latina– how dare you??!). Phaedra refers to it as “ultimately eccentric” when she means “totally eccentric”, but thinks “ultimately” makes her sound more edumacated.

As Thomas leads them on a tour of the extensive gardens, patio and pool, Kim tells us that “Thomas is a great guy: he’s good-looking, he’s very very successful, he has great taste…” Yes, he decorates like he picks friends. Sheree interviews that “there was definitely somethin goin on between” Kim and their host and wonders “is Thomas another Pig Boppa?” If so, A) Kim is ultimately trading up and B) Thomas has never been to a South Beach nightclub to see what a waterfront villa with a yacht parked outside REALLY gets a man on the open market. They pause next to an alligator statue as Thomas rattles off his neighbors here on Star Island: Shaq, Diddy, Rosie, and Gloria Estefan, who could give Kandi a little perspective on what a really crappy bus tour’s like.

“So I guess I shouldn’t show them the ‘KZ’ branded into my butt?”

Later, Kim and Sweetie smoke and Kim apologizes for NeNe’s “disgusting” words. “Why can’t we cut up and live? What’s the problem?!” Kim whines, as if for her this is about playing not working. Sweets assures her boss she doesn’t feel like a slave and would like to tell NeNe “Slaves don’t get paid, dumb-ass!” Meanwhile, the other ladies enjoy a sunset cocktail on the oceanfront terrace and NeNe, in Supa-Ghetto mode, continues yammering about snappin’ Kim’s neck and slappin’ her hoochie face red. When the others don’t pile on the bash-train, NeNe switches topics to the supposedly exclusively HW guest list for this weekend. Phaedra interviews that she also was under the impression it was to be just the 6 of them. Thank god, or else she might’ve put Dwight in a garment bag and brought his tired ass along. Come to think of it, they all should have been allowed one carry-on gay, and they could have put them together in a guest house and had a one-hour special.

Oh, wait– they’re back on slaves. NeNe won’t shut up about Kim’s shameful treatment of Sweetie and how offensive that is. Would this be happening if Sweetie was white? Not the abuse, because it would be– I’m talking about NeNe’s righteous indignation. Having watched every single episode of this tele-bortion, I can safely say Kim treats everyone like shit. Kandi, who interviews that she has no idea day-to-day what state Kim & NeNe’s friendship is in, surprises us by declaring that she’s told Kim “there are certain things you cannot say to black women”. MMMM-hmm, Phae concurs.

“NeNe has to f*ck up everything,” Kim tells Sweetie, “because if it’s not about NeNe, she can’t f*ckin handle it.” Kim’s sure NeNe is trying to poison everyone against her at this very second, “but these girls know me, and I’m sure Kandi has my back anyway.” Wanna bet? Kim says she forgave NeNe for last season’s off-cam throtlling, and bought into her “goin through a bad divorce” “bullsh*t” but now Kim’s “embarrassed and humiliated” at how NeNe’s behaved on the tour. If only Kim felt the same way about going on a concert tour with absolutely no rehearsal/prep/vocal training. Kim’s had enough and “will never put myself in that situation” with NeNe’s “ugly face” ever again! It’s over! Come on… as long as Bravo owns a video camera, it’s never over.

“Who’s in? 50 bucks says Kim’s fuckin the Nazi.”

NeNe says she wants to go to a hotel, but Kandi urges them all to remember their mission to have a “fun” pajama/bachelorette party and stay put. Also, there’s no way Miss Andy is springing for a hotel room at this point. Cynthia cheerily assures them that the worst is over “and it can only go up” from here. At least she’s not home overcooking vegetables and helping Gramps on and off the toilet, right? Thomas finds Kim and Sweetie and Kim tattles that NeNe tried to strangle her last season. “I’ve known that bitch for 9 years,” Kim snips. “I’ve known her 2 minutes and that’s enough,” he cracks. Since the butler’s a mannequin, Thom tells them dinner’s in an hour, “then you’re coming to bed with me?” Kim “jokes”. “I’m comink to bed wiz you any time you vant, you know zat dahlink,” Thom replies, taking quick mental stock of his Viagra supply. He probably keeps it in the hollowed-out erect penis of the stuffed baboon next to his bed.

Cut to the dinner table as everyone gathers. “It’s so tense in this house” NeNe would rather be out in Miami “than trapped in da zoo”. Phaedra looks up at “the silling”, where a mythology-based mural depicts Pan romping through the clouds. Kim asks about Cyn’s wedding dress and Kandi says Cyn will be “one of the hottest brides the ATL has ever seen.” And definitely one of the top 5 hot widows. Cyn says they invited 200 people and have 175 yes’s so far, then interviews that only NeNe knows the nuptial nightmare she’s going through. Sheree can see something’s up and interviews that Cyn’s way too unhappy for a bride-to-be. Cyn tells us she came here to “forget” her troubles (not work through them) and changes the subject to tomorrow’s runway show, which she’s “nervous” about since it’s been 2 years since she worked a catwalk. As an ex-teen model, I can assure her nothing nourishes the soul like standing around backstage with a bunch of bitches who look perfect for a living. But they need the money, so she has to do this swimsuit show. It’s a shame Thomas can’t just set up a couple of high-class escort gigs while she’s in town. Maybe she could find some rich perv who’d pay her 3 grand just to pee on him. What? It’s not like she’s going to spend the weekend not peeing. At least then she wouldn’t have that Gay Jonas Brother-lookalike Brazilian bikini designer staring at her thighs.

“God? Thank you for the nice ass… but this face has GOT TO GO.”

Speaking of gay, the gals’ ears prick up at some fruity conversation echoing from the entry hall, and before you can say “Sashay Chantay” here comes Thomas with their other guest Flawrence! Sheree’s thrilled to see him and that’s about it. Kim asks if he’s finished recording his new single. “Yaw,” he says. “Cuz I know Kandi be super-busy workin on her stuff and finishin up yo’ project, so I’m just gonna take matters into my own hand.” Flaw’s grammar may have suffered hanging out with Sheree, but Kandi loves his attitude: “That’s the type of… artist i love workin with, someone who can take what I’ve done and just take it to another level.” Unlike some people, who take what she’s done, take it to the toilet, drop in and flush. NeNe gripes to us that no one but her seems to be “followin the rules”, but Sheree doesn’t see a problem: “Flawrence is one of the girls,” she smugly interviews. Don’t tell NeNe that or just to prove a point she’ll rip his designer jeans off and untuck things right here at the table.

Villa Molesta. The next morning, NeNe & Cynthia have coffee, but apparently breakfast isn’t being served, and they can’t ask the maid since she’s made of fiberglas. We learn that Kim & Kandi will be giving their final performance this afternoon, which should clue you in that this isn’t a real tour but some lame Bravo promotional exercise. An afternoon concert in Miami?! Is this taking place next to a food court?! Poor Kandi. Cyn says she can’t eat today because the fashion show is happening directly after the concert. We’ve all been there, honey. A Mexican diet pill with two swallows of water and you’ll be fine. Just stay out of the sun and try not to stand up much until runway time. And when you do, do it very slowly or risk fainting from the head-rush. Tricks of the trade, darlings. NeNe tells Cyn that since everyone’s obviously allowed to bring an outsider, she called her BFF Diana to join them. You know, that RHOA production staffer who poses as her pal whenever NeNe can’t find anyone to hang out with. Cynthia interviews that she doesn’t care as long as NeNe’s happy.

“Time for me to flip! Who vants to baby oil mein keister?”

 

Kim is running late, but takes a few moments to chat with Thomas, who’s sunbathing, thankfully not in a Speedo. “You look mahvelous, dahling,” he pants at her yellow mini-dress and hooker heels. Thomas, who, according to Kim, “looks great in his bathing suit” (any takers on that one?… didn’t think so), says she’d rather skip the show and hang out with Thomas all day in her swimsuit. Thomas loves the idea, except for the swimsuit part. Oh, Thomas, you creepily hairless-torsoed old lech.

Kandi touches up her look, including a helmety new hairstyle I’m not crazy about, and they pack into chauffered vehicles for the drive to “a huge outdoor music festival”. In Miami. In the summer. What, Sweatstock? Kim tells us she’s “gonna show NeNe I can do it”, vainly trying to keep THAT narrative thread alive. The heat is so stultifying, Phaedra’s drawl requires subtitles: “You best to put in today,” she mumbles to Kim. “Cuz if not, they gon’ talk aboutchoo lahk a dowg.” Kim knows. Since Kim’s responsible for them running late, it’s satisfying to hear Kandi take charge and cut her songs from one to two. Kim couldn’t seem to care less. I know she hates rehearsing, recording and remembering lyrics, but if she’s so blase about performing, why do this at all?! Kim of course picks “Tardy”, which she should be able to do in her sleep, and has, on this network.

“I’m living my dream,” Kim insists to us, just before taking the stage in front of a decent-size crowd who surely came to see something other than a RH event. As an obnoxious DJ (and not Don Juan) tries to help with some hip-hoppy exhortations on the mic, Kim speaks-sings her catchy little ditty as the audience mostly just stands there in the blazing sun. NeNe enters the event, alone, with a sourpuss face. She interview-scoffs that she finds Kim’s performances “hilarious” and Kim need to just quit playin wit’ us, you hear what I’m sayin? Sheree doesn’t, telling us that Kim “had the crowd goin” and “did good”. Even Phaedra liked it, complimenting Kim’s “bouncing” breasts and declaring the song “pleasantly surprised” her.

And Derek J liked it, too.

Kandi is next, interviewing that this show is important because Miami is a major record market. She starts with her empowerment anthem “I’ll Fly Above”, which Kim says Kandi wrote about her and her hata’s. Like…

NeNe, who says that Kim wants people to think “she’s above the drama when she IS the drama.” Kandi tells us that she has a good feeling about her new solo album and is ready to be “at the top of the charts” again. Kim is feeling generous and gives Don Juan a hug and thanks him for “keeping me on point”. Then Kandi comes off and Kim says “You killed it, LOVE!”, sounding exactly like Michaele Salahi. Douche-chills! Kandi said Kim did great on her first tour. Kisses, hugs. Alright, let’s get to the fashion show and re-commence the ripping please.

Villa Molesta. Lunchtime. Phae tells Sheree she just spoke to her mom Pastor Rotunda and little Ayden Adonis is flourishing without her. We’re supposed to believe that Phae is heartsick about being separated from her little deduction but I have my doubts. In fact, I think when it’s time to leave, they’re going to have trouble finding the bitch. Kim, Kandi & NeNe enter with Diana, who Kim calls “The Hawk”. NeNe’s thrilled to have her pal along for support/protection, but Kim’s nauseated and Sheree points out via interview that “NeNe broke her own rule” about outsiders. “I think NeNe invited Diana to antagonize Kim,” Sheree adds. “But it takes more of the weekend away from Cynthia.” Sweetie toddles out with her suitcase and Kim says she doesn’t have to go now that Diana’s here. Kim HAD asked Sweets to hit the bricks because “NeNe was making such a big deal” about it, but who cares now. “I’m not makin a deal,” NeNe has the nerve to insist.

“Seriously, Sweetie? You didn’t pack me ANY bras?”

Diana instantly goes on the attack and says she was invited. Yeah, Kim replies, by NeNe, who was making a big deal. Kandi & Phaedra agree. “I’m drama-free,” Diana snips. “I’m not here to gravitate towards your drama.” Gravitation, never at the top of anyone’s vacation fun-list. None of the women (besides NeNe, of course) want Diana there, and it IS super-cunty of NeNe to be playing schoolyard games when Cynthia is supposed to be the best friend of hers in need. Diana keeps snarling at Kim to not mention her name, which Kim thinks is ridonk since, hello, you’re sitting here taking up space at my rich pervy friend’s table. NeNe brattily informs Kim that she and Di will be staying in “your friend’s” room.” Kim says if they’re not happy here at HER friend’s house to get the fuck out.

Throwaway Minute du Jour: Patio. Sheree leads an aerobics session with NeNe, Cynthia, Diana and Flawrence as Kim vegetates in a bikini on a canopied lounging bed nearby, smoking. NeNe shakes her jugs like the ex-stripper she is and Kim pointedly asks Sheree how to get a nice body from working out like Ree-Ree has and not “like the Hulk, Diana.” Maybe Diana didn’t hear that, because she looks like she’d cut you.

Andy Cohen Presents CYNTHIA BAILEY in KANDER & EBB’s “KISS OF THE SPIDER WOMAN “
Also Starring KELSEY GRAMMER and MAURICIO UBANSKY RICHARDS as Valentin
Directed by Caroline Manzo

COMING SOON TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU!

Fashion show. Cynthia arrives and is ushered to the prep area, where a make-up gay starts troweling it on. You can tell Cynthia’s nervous about being around all the coltish young gals, because she’s making excuses about her age, out-of-shape body and lack of sleep due to impending wedding. Designer AZ Araujo pops in to show her the bathing suits. Cyn smiles through the nausea. Miami Fashion Week started in 1998, which was a little after my time as a model, but I’ve been to it loads of times and it’s way less uptight than New York Fashion Week, probably because it focuses on Latino and Caribbean designers (who are just as crazy but slightly less full of themselves) and has a lot of beach events. But who needs Michael Kors and Nina Garcia, not to mention The Klumbot, when you have your warm, wonderful pals NeNe, Sheree & Phaedra there to cheer you on– and make wildly disparaging comments in their interview segments:

NeNe: Didn’t know she had that much butt back there… In the fashion industry, they’re always looking for the next young model, and that’s gonna be tough for Cynthia. Sheree: I don’t know if Cynthia would have worked as a model for She by Sheree. Our sample sizes were 4′s and 6′s and that booty was clearly a 12. Phae: Cynthia might be a model, but in that swimsuit, she looked like a pretzel dipped in cottage cheese.

Jesus! This isn’t hi-def so we can’t really get a handle on the cellulite situation, but her body is like, a million times better than that of any of those twats. Yes, Cyn’s not a twig like the other waiferexics on the runway, but AZ Araujo hired her to be a Special 40-ish Guest Model and she brought it, especially since she’s been retired for several years. I hope Miss Andy brings this up at the Reunion and Kandi & Kim join Cynthia in kicking their envious hata asses. And BTW, her ass looks fab from where I’m sitting. Does that make me a fatty, too, bitches?!

“Come with AZ, my rumptastic pet! I design entire new Plus-Size Line for you and that culo de oro!”

Villa Molesta. At lunch (what day is this? Didn’t they already have lunch?!), Phae, clearly in no rush to get back to all those soiled diapers, asks if everybody wants to stay another day. No, Cyn says, shocked– she’s got wedding stuff to do. She answers a few polite questions about it, but when Kandi asks about a honeymoon, Cyn breaks down. She runs from the room, weeping. NeNe, only after being told, goes after her. In the bathroom, Cynthia dries her tears and NeNe suggests they leave immediately and go home. Yeah, that’s what she needs– another night with Gramps. At the table, Kandi says, even though she’s not married (and more power to her), she knows that if a couple’s experiencing a major issue, like financial, they shouldn’t rush to wed “to save face”. Phaedra has words of wisdom from her mother: “People don’t know when you hungry, but they know when you homeless.” What? I’m not even sure what that means. Rent is more important than food? And, FYI, Phae– we’ve seen your mother and thus know that she’s always hungry.

Cyn explains that since they can’t really afford a honeymoon, it made her snap. This is where they should all tell her she’s making a terrible mistake. But everyone seems freaked that she might cry again, so they creep very carefully around the question “What the HELL are you doing with that nasty old fuck?!” NeNe & Kim? Useless. Kandi & Sheree? Seem to get it but holding back. Phae? Just happy she’s not being milked at the moment. Then NeNe announces that she and Cynthia are leaving “tonight”. This comes as something of a shock to Sheree, Kandi & Phae. NeNe clearly has an agenda and has been putting her own needs and selfish desires ahead of everyone’s for days, and now that Kim has pissed her off, doesn’t feel like sticking around. Cynthia truly seems like a battered woman as she passively shrugs at the new plan, weakly offering up the excuse that she wasn’t even sure if the others wanted to have the bachelorette party.

“Y’all stay put in there and behave… or I’m'a’ get ya reduced again!”

 

“You ungrateful bitch!” Sheree squawks via interview. “Everybody flew their ass up here to support YOU! Get over it. Get out from under NeNe’s ass and woman up! Seriously!” She may not know Florida is south of Georgia, but for once, she’s correct in spirit. Cynthia says she’ll let them know. She exits and Kim steams that their plans could now be ruined. Phae votes for going ahead with the party, with or without her. “We’ve got strippers on deck, so I don’t wanna waste a fun night of entertainment.” Good thinking, honey. Who knows? You might even meet the future ex Mr Phaedra Parks! You’ve already besmirched the white race, so let’s get you some new material– go Latin! Turns out the other gals are way into going on with the party: “I just wanna still see some strippers and some penis,” Kim drawls. Join the club, heifa!

NeNe and her thug Diana retire to a bedroom to work on poor fragile Cynthia. NeNe says she envisioned a carefree, boozy pajama party in which her “girlfriend Tracy” came over and gave everyone moisturizing body scrubs. I hope this Tracy is an esthetician. But this seems to indicate that NeNe’s toying with the idea of hijacking the bachelorette party back to Atlanta. “I’d rather be with people who love and care for me on a vacation than… with a buncha women who could care if you drowned in the damn ocean ovuh heeah in Souf Beach!” See? Knock-knock. It’s Sheree, come for a status report. Cyn whines that “to be honest”, she’s not feeling “the girls’ party tonight”. Sheree says internal squabbles aside, all the Housewives came together for Cynthia, then interviews that this is really about NeNe “dominating her friends” and wanting to be in control of Cynthia. “Cynthia has no reason to want to leave– no one’s done anything TO her.” Sheree makes her pitch, NeNe chimes in her negativity, but Cynthia like the lovely ebony willow tree she is, flip-flops back to having the party. Yay.

Cut to Cynthia drinking a margarita as NeNe glumy texts beside her, with Diana at her side in case things get physical. NeNe poutily tells us that if this is what Cyn wants, NeNe will participate, because she’s such a good friend. Whatever, bully. Kandi, Kim, Phaedra and Flawrence join them. Phae tells Cyn they’re here to support whatever decisions she makes about her wedding. Then Sheree offers Flaw up as entertainment, with his world-famous “imitations”. I think they’re barely passable, but Phaedra likes them: “This is a silly queen and he is makin fun of everybody and his impressions are on-point and they are VERY cute.” Wait till he gets really plastered and tells the real story of how he came to be friends with Apollo. Then we’ll see how cute you think he is.

I hate it when they shave their armpits.

Now Cynthia asks everyone to reveal their favorite sex-trick to enliven a dull banging session. I’m not sure if it’s the censor’s fault, but I don’t know what hers is supposed to be. Kandi says you have to love to perform fellatio in order to do it right. Phaedra agrees. And she’s got the lips for it. Cyn tells them a deal-breaker for her is “bad breath”. I guess the smell of Dentu-Creme doesn’t gross her out. Where are those strippers?! Maybe they should send out a search party, because my niece’s 8th birthday party was spicier. The most shocking thing so far are NeNe’s tits, which are five square inches of fabric away from flopping into the guacamole.

Then a big slab of steroided beefcake walks in dressed as a cop. Phae tells us “As an entertainment attorney, I represent a very diverse clientele, including entertainers of the night. These men are my clients and they’re my gift to Cynthia.” So she reps strippers/male escorts?! Nice! But the lads clearly need a good writer: “It seems Miss Walker here [I thought her name was Bailey?!] has violated penal code 6969,” the cop smirks, sounding totally canned, like they looped this in during editing. He asks her to stand “and assume the position.” And off come the clothes. Naughty Cop is joined by Naughty Black Man. “I do enjoy delighting in the pleasure of seeing good stripping,” Phaedra remarks. NeNe is grossed-out and stupidly rhetorically asks “Eeeuew, why strippers?” Because, despite your best efforts to the contrary, this is a bachelorette party. For a woman marrying The Mummy. Let her enjoy some frisky firm flesh for fuck’s sake!

“Pastor Regina sends her best regards.”

Kim peevishly interviews disdain, wondering why strippers need a lawyer? Come on, look at them. Unfortunately, the guys keep their man-panties on. But Cynthia’s touched and thanks the gang for all the love. Now she can go back with new energy and purpose and continue destroying her life.

Next week on the Season Finale… which means we have at least 4 more episodes to go, including Reunions and “Lost Footage”: Cyn is miserable on her wedding day. Gregg apologizes to NeNe. Kandi needs to have a talk with Kim. Kim’s tits look enormous at the wedding. Cynthia may have left drunken groom Gramps at the altar.