Previously, Taylor put on Miss Piggy extensions and opened her soul while people played poker in fluorescent lighting, making Paul and Adrienne feel like total assholes for dressing like this:
Everyone thinks Kermie’s really nice, but he put a fly in my custard once and tried to choke me to death. WAAAHHHH!!!
I should have worn a fucking dress.
I don’t know if you guys have heard this, but one time, when no cameras were around, Kyle interrogated Camille Shlemiel Frasier about her trip to Hawaii and then asked her why anyone would want her there without Frasier. HUGE NEWS.
We’ve heard this questioning accusation many times, but we’ve yet to get an answer. WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT YOU THERE WITHOUT FRASIER?
Just answer so we can move on to another plot line. I had more fun watching Kyle getting her baby maker shellacked.
We are shown the clip of Shelemiel insisting that Kyle dissed her, and again, we all know that she’s full of some really messy poo. Then Kyle calls her a fucking liar, we cheer, and Shlemiel looks like the one of the kids called her mommy.
We know from the previews, and commercials, and billboards, and internet ads, and facebook, and our dreams and walking nightmares, that today is the day Shlemiel is gonna make a go at becoming the supreme asshole of all Housewives Franchise assholes. Personally, I don’t think she has it in her, but you never know what fun traits can come out as time goes on. I didn’t pay a lick of attention to Dannielle Staub until I found out that she sang better than Whitney Houston.
The current Whitney Houston, I mean.
I think Shlemiel’s a total dick, but I have to admit, she wasn’t in the past two episodes and it kinda killed it. What’s the point of watching if you can’t hate someone? If you don’t have stiff faced little ghosts chasing Pac Man around, he’s just a fat guy bingeing on dots.
We start with Lisa, Ken, and Jiggy. He shouldn’t wear the same colors as the dog. It’s super gay, and from far away it just looks like he’s got a hairy old man boob hanging out of his shirt.
Matching shirts is bad enough. But matching hairdos is going too far. One of you needs to get to the groomer.
Lisa jokes that now that she has an American driver’s license, she’s gonna have a harder time with all the cops that pull her over. Don’t worry, Li. You still have the fake tits of a twenty five year old. You could hit a pedestrian and you’d get off with those things.
Ken gives Lisa shit for being a bad driver, she gives him shit for being a bad driver that farts and blames Jiggy. End of argument. Lisa tells us that where she comes from, they drive more aggressively. Cut to a car driving ten miles an hour and honking at her shitty driving. She gives the car a dirty look and laughs and shrugs. Wow. Beverly Hills is definitely a different world than the rest of Los Angeles. If I did that in East Hollywood I’d get a water bottle thrown at my windshield.
Why would anyone want you at Geoffrey’s without Frasier there?
Cam and Taylor meet up for lunch. Shlemiel tells Taylor that she should really appreciate the time she has with her daughter cuz the cute little possible future serial killer is still too young to know how to scream “FUCK OFF SLAG I WANT MY DAAAAAAAAAD!” while she’s trying to lap dance a few bucks out of a tennis instructor. Cam hasn’t made much effort to hang with the other cast members, so she’s not really sure what she’s getting into with this funny faced Taylor person. “She seems genuine,” she shrugs. This friendship? Will never happen. I don’t even know if this lunch can last longer than ten minutes. There’s no one else at the restaurant and the waitress doesn’t have a penis. Nothing is going to keep this bitch awake for a one on one with a woman not in her employ.
Yes, I’ve met Lillith. She’s not really a bitch in real life, but yes, she does talk snooty like that. No, Niles isn’t from England. UGH sigh. Have I mentioned that I’m a danc…no, the dad didn’t really need a cane. It was acting. I suggested it, actually. I do a lot for Frasier’s busine….no I don’t know Shelley Long. I almost met her at a restaurant once, but Frasier wasn’t with me so she pretended she didn’t see me and asked the hostess to escort me off the premises. You haven’t stared at my saline sacks once. These things cost more than my children. CHECK!
Camille orders vodka. But I thought she didn’t driiiiink you guuuuuuys! Maybe she just says that before she downs multiple shots of tequila and rubs up against her friends’ husbands’ pleated Dockers. Like a ritual or some shit. She orders and gets right to the point. She’s having a dinner party for the girls! Taylor doesn’t say anything and her face won’t move so I have no idea what she’s thinking. When people have rubber face masks on all the time, you have to learn to just imagine what they would look like without needles and chemicals. It’s the only way to have actual human interaction.
Boring lunch scene.
Awesome lunch scene. Down with plastic surgery!
Shlemiel hasn’t been around much, but it’s just cuz she wanted to take a break from all that drama in NY. Now, though, she’s decided to make an effort. She’s gonna “open my home” to the girls. How generous. If things go bad, she can show them the bar stool Frashe took off the set of Cheers and pull out the stamp she had made of his signature so they can all go home with a signed napkin.
Taylor thinks this is a great idea! Camille has a pizza oven and a private chef so this time will be totally different than the last time they hung out! The whole problem in New York was the restaurant decor. If they had had a pizza everything would have been fiiiine. I said that sarcastically, but I actually subscribe to that. You can’t shovel shit in and out of your mouth at the same time. I’d bet that skinny people fight more than fat people.
Shlemiel is going to be “cautiously optimistic” even though “it’s hard for me to forgive people.” Come on now, Camille. WWJD? Probably run like hell away from your crazy ass before you inseminated some homely minimum wage employee with his sperm to get half of Heaven when he knocks up a Virgin ho.
Camille is reading “The Forgiveness Book” to learn to forgive Kyle for not knowing her place as Frasier’s employee’s wife. If you’re into self help, I’ve got a much more appropriate tome for ya, kid.
Camille’s gonna have a guest with her at the party. Did you know “we” produce that show? No, Camille. You haven’t mentioned that eighteen thousand times. Do you know how much it KILLS me that she has anything to do with that show? I LOVE THAT SHOW. I’m obsessed with it. I have seen every one and almost cried when I heard it got cancelled. KILLS ME. Anyway, the guest is going to be the real life MEDIUM, ALLISON DUBOIS!:@ELjs[odbhqerger]0gasldkjgha[sdih[werogih!?#:!!#t/g asgoih[giohashasghsdgaohg
NO FAAAAAIIIIRRR! I feel like I’m about to meet a staaah! OMG I’m so fucking excited right now. Taylor, like the rest of the country, apparently, doesn’t watch that show, but she’s psyched to meet a real psychic. I think. Or she’s horrified. Or sobbing. Who can say?
Oh no who died?
Camille’s not bringing Allison because she’s impressive, she’s bringing her because she’s a drunk who gets all slurry and tells people off. Oh God NO. If Allison DuBois is on Camille’s side, I’m putting a brick through Patricia Arquette’s windshield. I’m seriously scared to press play. I’m gonna go pee.
That didn’t help. I’m still nervous. Let’s go to Adrienne’s now, even though I just wanna press FF and get my dreams of becoming best friends with Allison DuBois crushed. Paul is calling out for Ad, and it takes awhile for him to make his way through their giant outlet mall house to find her in the kitchen pretending to know how to make a peanut butter sandwich. It takes her the whole scene to butter one slice of bread. Paul’s got a bandage on his nose cuz he was wresting with the kids and got the four year old’s foot to his face. Adrienne laughs at him for being such a wussy. LOL. He has splints up his nose! She compliments her kid’s kick. Love this couple.
Paul tries to get a massage out of her, which of course doesn’t work. So he starts wheezing out of his fucked up nose. She looks like she wants to properly break it. But in a hot way. I’ve never seen someone so turned on by being annoyed.
Oh yeah just like that. Right theeere….YESYESYES!!! OK now please go to your own room so I can get some sleep.
Back to Camille. She’s calling all the girls to invite them over. She gets Lisa and starts blabbing, but there’s a bad connection or something.
Can you hear me now? HI IT’S CAMILLE! Can you hear me now? NOW? Frasier’s here can you hear me now? IT’S FRASIER’S WIFE! HELLO? I HAVE TEN HOUSES!
Notice the pen. In case she has to take notes. Calling people is haaaard. She keeps trying to get Lisa to hear her. It seriously goes on forever. And then she realizes that she got Lisa’s trick voicemail. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Because at least once an episode, we need to be reminded why she’s called Shlemiel.
Camille feels like a total a hole, and it’s awesome. She gets her pen back and regains her composure to call Kyle. “This should be interesting.” Kyle is shocked that Cam is calling, and says that she might have to bring a friend with her if that’s ok. As long as the friend is pepper spray, it’s fine by me. You’re gonna need it. Kyle is nice and gracious about the invite. Shlemiel hangs up and rolls her eyes at the camera. I could call her a c word right now, but it’s Christmas and I don’t wanna be so harsh. I’ll just show a really unflattering pic of her instead.
Time to feel like we’re all basically that poor gross drunk guy at the DMV who mortified Lisa.
I never thought I’d end up dreaming of becoming an older lady with a rickety husband that wears pastel outfits that match my fluffy purse dog’s, but sometimes life takes us to unexpected places.
Lisa? Hero. Ken dresses to match the dog, and Lisa dresses to match the maid. I’m with this woman on every single issue. I’ve always thought maids make the best pets, too. Pinky linky!
A pair of signed Louboutin’s. For fucking pizza at Shlemiel’s. Christian Louboutin is gonna be furious that he’s being taken to a party without Frasier there. Lisa is kinda scared about the dinner, and Jiggy is probably kinda scare of her right now.
Kyle gets ready for the big night with her stylist and tells us that her date to the shit sling is Faye Resnick, who’s her best friend. ?!?! You guys. You remember her, don’t you? I didn’t either. So I looked her up. She was a friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and wrote two tell all books exploiting the shit out of that the second Nicole was murdered. Just to make sure you don’t think that she’s not classy, she also rode the dead friend wave all way to a spread in Playboy. I expected better from you, Kyle! Please ask your husband to take his shirt off so I can work past this.
On the other hand, she might be bringing Faye as a weapon. I’ll raise your drunk crazy bitch friend with an even drunker, crazier friend, BITCH.
So wait. You’re taking a Playboy model who exploited someone else’s name to get rich and famous to the home of a Playboy model who exploited someone else’s name to get rich and famous? Is Frasier trying to escape from Faye, too? If anything, those two will probably end up being best friends.
Haggy Hair Friend is getting Camille ready, already egging her on about this huge made up drama. Part of me wonders if Haggy Hair Friend is as much of a bottomfeeder as she pretends to be. She might just be encouraging Shlemiel to make as much of a dick of herself in public as she possibly can cuz she hates her.
Why don’t you mention how much you’ve had to help me financially on national TV again, Boss Friend?
Oh gawd. Haggy Hair Friend is gonna come too! I hope Camille makes her wear a catering uniform. The girls go pick out an appropriate dress for the night. See thru? Well, you wanna be yourself, I guess. Transparent it is. Camille oohs and ahhhs over how she’ll have to pick a gorgeous giant bra from her massive collection. Bitch just wanted to open that bra drawer cuz Haggy Hair Friend is there. If Hag doesn’t hate her, she’s even stupider than she acts.
Taylor swings by Adrienne’s in a stretch limo. In other news, I’m eating beans out of a can right now. It’s awesome watching Adrienne stiffly bend herself into the limo. What’s the point of working out and starving if you’re still gonna be worried about showing a stomach when you sit down?
This is supposed to be a fun night. Please stop doing inappropriate crunches.
Lisa’s next in the car. Faye, Kyle and Kim are going separately in case things get ugly at Shlemiel’s or Faye needs to get back home to write a novel exploiting whatever shit goes down so she can try and get another slag mag shoot. Kim jokes that she’s been over to Shlemiel’s three times since NY, but Kim doesn’t find that too funny. I did! I like Kim more and more every week. Be honest with yourself. You’ve danced around singing “I got the chiiiiicken! Gimme the chiiiiiiicken!” at least once since last episode. Kim assures us that her loyalty is to her sister. Uh-huh. Like it was a couple weeks ago when you refused to just come out and say that Kyle never said what Camille accused her of. I think she feels guilty about that, cuz she’s giggling nervously. Or it could be because Faye’s in the car looking scary.
I have nothing against plastic surgery. If I had money I would probably look like a fat version of Sandra Bullock right now. But I have a question: have they not come far enough to staple your skin to your skull without making your hairline begin in the middle of your head? These women all have giant foreheads. In a couple of decades their hairline is gonna start so far back they’re gonna look like cast members from Apocolypto.
And now for the moment we’ve all I’ve been waiting for! Allison DuBois! The first thing she does is say that she waited to start drinking til she got here. LOL. Please let me love her. PLEASE.
Stop covering your teeth. You’re not really Patricia Arquette.
Taylor warns the girls that Camille is having her famous drunk psychic weapon friend over and she could possibly tell people off. Cut to Camille handing Allison a GIANT cosmo. Put the arrow in that bow, bitch. Let’s go!
Load your cannons.
Camille and Haggy Hair have already shit talked Kyle to Allison, and she’s ready to kick some ass. She’s gonna be mortified when she watches this and realizes she’s on the wrong team. Dreaming of murders instead of humiliating public exposure is such a waste. You can’t save dead people, but your reputation still has a chance, my sister! Focus on the living and don’t befriend the brain dead. Especially publicly.
Taylor, Ad, and Lisa show up, and it begins like every war in history has begun:
HIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG YOU LOOK SO CUUUUUUUTE!
Camille introduces Allison the only way she ever would, as someone famous. No one has seen Medium. Which is probably why it was cancelled. Bastards. Anyway, Lisa seems immediately skeptical of this red headed witchy woman, much like everyone is when they meet Patricia Arquette on the show. Allison is quick to point out that it’s cool having a show about her but she actually has a real job profiling serial killers. Lisa’s like mmmhmmm I’ll watch that sometime…? Hilarious. Then Lisa tells us, kinda put off, that Camille has come with a friend and a sidekick…psychic. HA. You know I loves me some Catskills humor.
The rest of the girls show up. Camille hugs Kyle fakely and thanks her sooooo muuuuuuch for coming hheeeeere! Pouty pout fake fake. Kyle looks scared.
Cam gives Faye the same fakey bakey welcome. Faye smiles evilly like she’ll eat her alive and then sell a cookbook with recipes for each of her body parts.
Camille senses it and bends down out of the way, like she’s literally ducking from the glare. Out of Faye’s sight, she rolls her eyes. HA. She needs to get her ass handed to her so hard tonight. I’m counting on you, Faye! Sidenote: I think Faye and Ad have a doctor in common. They look like they’re from the same rubber mold. It’s embarrassing when two women show up to a party wearing the same dress. It’s mortifying when they show up with the same face.
Lisa points out that the drinks are fishbowls and obviously designed to get everyone trashed. They’re only a couple sips in, and already Shlemiel is standing right behind Kyle rolling her eyes as obviously as possible with Haggy Hair Friend next to her acting like she’s got a front row seat at the Shamu show.
Camille announces that her two guests of honor are gonna sit next to her but the rest of the girls can sit wherever. I have to stop and think here for a second. Has Shlemiel uttered one fucking sentence on this show that wasn’t insanely obnoxious? EVEN ONE?! If you can think of one, please tell me. K back to the show. Allison raises her bowl and makes a speech. She feels so young that when Saturday comes around she still wants to have fun! And it’s a girl’s night so they have to be bad in a controlled setting! Smooth, Allison. She basically just walked into the ring with a bikini to get the plebs all riled up for a good beating.
Allison’s crudeness gives Kyle instawrinkles, which is unforgivable. God I wish Patricia Arquette was playing Allison tonight. The real one’s annoying as fuck.
The girls loosen up a little and those giant drinks keep a comin. Ad sits next to Allison and she says at first she thought the chick was kinda bizarre, but she talks to dead people so there you have it. HA. Allison, slurring already, says that she has a brother, but no sisters. That’s why she likes hanging out with alpha females. She directs that to all of them with a sly smile and they cheers to that. Kyle giggles nervously at the end of the cheers and asks if they’re all alphas. “I mean we’re just assuming we’re alphas…” Calm down. She didn’t technically call you a bitch yet. Give her time.
Haggy Hair Friend pipes up. They’re all alpha females! HAHA you’re a yesman buttlicking paid friend living in one of Frasier’s unused homes, sugar. That’s not alpha. That’s called being a leech. But you’re right about the rest of them. Haggy keeps on blabbing about how society puts alpha women down. Lisa laughs “they usually call us bitches, dahling.” HA. Camille and her lackeys honestly think everyone’s too stupid to know they’re being called bitches? They’re not. They’re just to polite to take turns stabbing you in Frasier’s hard earned home.
Camille is getting bored fast because the ladies are avoiding the bitchiness at every turn. She’s literally just staring off into space the whole time not talking to anyone or making any effort. Then, out of nowhere, she announces that she has no idea who Faye is and asks Kyle. Quiet. Kyle says they are like sisters. Camille’s like uh-huh that’s nice. OH WAIT! I know where I’ve seen her! Posing naked in Playboy after the OJ trial! It’s ON. Faye instinctively protects her nose. Girls fight like such pussies.
The table is mortified that she would be so fucking rude. She usually at least pretends like she’s nice. And you know why you recognize her from Playboy, skank? Cuz she got the COVER. Tried finding even one pic of you, who’s done Playboy MULTIPLE times, and nothing even came up. Sad horns. Someone has me rooting for Faye. Camille must be destroyed.
The table sits in shock for a second, so Camille says it again and just stares at Faye, waiting for a response. Kyle no longer looks scared. If she had Vaseline right now she’d put it all over her face, put her hair in a ponytail and take off her earrings.
Still silence. So Shlemiel adds “and you looked greeeeat!” HAHAH. Faye stays completely composed and firmly says “thank you.” Nice, Faye. Well done. Just let her look dumber and dumber. Shlem tells us that she suddenly realized who Faye was when she saw the extensions and big fake blown up lips. IS THIS BITCH KIDDING?!?!?! Does she think we can’t plainly see that she has extensions and big blown up fake lips? And we don’t know that she was in Playboy? She continues “Yup. Faye Resnick. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick.” Oh she’s not done. She still hasn’t cracked Faye at all, so she seals it with a “I loved your spread. Literally.” Taylor, Lisa and Kyle are now laughing openly at Shlemiel’s disgustingness. Poor Shlemiel is such a failure that she can’t even be a proper bitch. PS she’s currently trying to get back into Playboy while threatening to release a sex tape of her and Frasier. Shlemiel must be destroyed. Have I already said that?
Faye, refusing to let this c get to her, laughs and says “I didn’t spread!” Ah, the righteousness of hos. Seriously. Kyle calls Camille out on doing Playboy too, and she says it was only a supplement..like with lingerie. HA. You couldn’t even get a real spread? And you’re bragging? You’re obviously a ho, and now you’re acting like it’s awesome that you’re a bad ho. Congrats! You win! You’re even untalented at hoishness! YAY YOU.
Then the conversation turns to Camille and how it’s totally not real that she was wearing lingerie in Playboy. Fucking liar. No one lets her get away with that one, and she shuts her face pretty quick. She tells us, though, that sure she did Playboy too but that was a way long time ago and it wasn’t to make a quick buck after her bff was murdered. She doesn’t want to associate with those kinds of people. Well ain’t that the pussy callin’ the cat a cunt. Kim makes a joke about posing in the mag with Kim. HA. Everyone laughs. Then Allison whips out one of those weird electric cigarettes and starts puffing away and smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Kyle does a perfect, shifty eyed imitation of her and says “that’s Jack Nicholson from The Shining.” Hehehehehehe.
Lisa asks Allison about dead people, and Allison says that if there are dead people at dinner parties she makes sure that they play second fiddle to alive people. Then she blahs about how she can tap into people’s thoughts and tell what kind of childhoods they had and stuff. She’s so full of shit. I’m kinda glad Medium was cancelled now. If they were truer to this phony’s true personality it would have never made it on the air. I want someone to play me and make me more presentable. I nominate Aileen Quinn.
Camille is offended that people are asking Allison about being psychic. Uh-huh. You shouldn’t have introduced her as TV’s Original Medium you fucking nitwit. You could have just said “this is Allison” but you had to get oooh ahh points from a show no one’s seen. Al laughs and slurs that she’s been studied by “scientists for several years and on Oprah in front of seventy million people.” HAHAHAHAH Oprah WISHES. What an idiot. Even Camille knows she’s losing ground, and she’s a Shlemiel. She takes away Allison’s drink and Lisa just keeps peppering the lush with questions. “Is my grandmother here?” I know I am typing LOL and HAHAHA a lot, but I’m laughing my ass off over here. Lisa wants Lush to do some tricks for them.
Al says that she tries to stay off the clock at parties cuz she’s like a drug. Once you have a little you want more. Patricia Arquette is sitting at home with her forehead in her palms right now. Kyle cracks a joke to Faye about needing to pull out her credit card for when Al comes on the clock. Faye taunts Al into doing just one little reading for one person! Al slurs “don’t tempt me!” and Kyle asks what that means. Awkward pause. “You don’t wanna get me started.” Everyone giggles at her bullshit. Shlemiel jumps in and says that Alison will bring up very personal stuff and it’s dangerous in public. “If your husband’s cheating on you, you’ll know.” Obviously not. How delicious is this? Frasiers sperm is swimming around in some stewardess during this dinner party and Cam has nooooo idea. LOVE IT.
Kyle keeps taunting her for a reading. Al says it might irritate Kyle. Uhohyay. Bring it! Al says that Kyle has been married twice, which isn’t really news. Then she says Kyle will have to get married again because her husband will never emotionally fulfill her. Once the kids are gone they’ll have nothing in common. “Know that.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a “psychic” giving a reading in a “kiss my ass, bitch!” tone before. It makes it way more exciting.
The table is shocked into silence. They know that’s complete bullshit. That couple is in love so hard that it makes everyone else feel like shit about their own lives. So she’s obviously a fake. Besides, even if she was right, who cares? Who needs emotional fulfillment when this is your husband?
Will he still be able to do this? Then I’m good, thanks.
Kyle looks pissed but stays calmish. She deadpans “anything else?” Al tells her to “put her walls down” for women in her life, cuz she gets along better with men. HA! SHE’S TERRIBLE! I feel like I just wasted fiveish years of my life watching a bullshit show. Bravo, you’ve robbed me of some serious happiness. Camille laughs with the rest of the girls and says that Al is describing her, not Kyle. Al has a nice fresh bowl of booze, btw. She doesn’t have much to say, since she’s just been wrong twice in a row. This gives Shlemiel a chance to say that she is close to men cuz women are always catty with her and she’s defensive.
Lisa calls bs and says that doesn’t have to be true, and Kyle says maybe they fought because Cam was defensive with her. Al snarks “you’re offensive.” Woah! Camille makes sure everyone knows that she didn’t tell Al exactly what happened in NY. She told her about Kyle but stopped short of the full story. So you basically just said Kyle was a raging bitch and then left the rest up to Al. That’s what adults do. Stupid Shlemiel. Faye says she doesn’t believe for one second that Camille didn’t blab about Kyle to Allison. Go Faye!
Camille puts her hand to her heart and whines “that’s discounting what I’m saaaaying!” Ha. Yes, sugar. That’s one very flattering way to put it, yes. (head pat.) (hand wipe.) These people aren’t on your payroll.
You’ve seen Hank, right? I did that.
Faye says that real girlfriends tell each other everything and if Allison and Shlemiel are really friends then she would know what’s going on. Allison repeats it back as an angry question. Yes, Allison. She is accusing you of not being true friends with Camille. Compute. Compute. Drink. What was I computing? You are!
Al shouts that Camille can fight her own battles. Then why are you talking shit for her? Camille starts droning/shouting at Faye about only coming tonight to stand up for Kyle. Faye regains her composure automatically and says it’s not true. Camille repeats the accusation over and over again. If you don’t talk then you can’t win. Nannynannybooboo. Faye makes the mistake of saying all she knows is that Kyle was attacked. Then there’s a lot of squawking. Camille was the one who was attacked! Get your story straight or your fired from Frasier’s dinner party, Faye!
Camille starts shoutwhining about being attacked, Kyle shouts back that Camille was the one acting like a tool, Allison starts yelling at the lime in her margarita for giving her lotto numbers while she’s trying to stand up for Shlemiel, Shlem yellspouts that Faye’s just there to stick up for Kyle, which is unfair, Allison yells at the cool air coming through the vent to stop telling her dirty stories while she’s trying to focus on enunciating well enough to attack someone she doesn’t even know, Kyle shouts for All to stfu and mind her beeswax. It’s really pretty amazing.
Shlemiel tells us that she feels like the whole thing was a setup and Faye was brought here to stick up for Kyle. Then, in the next breath, she tells us that people shouldn’t be mad at Allison for sticking up for her. HA. You specifically said you were inviting Allison to tell people off. Do you not remember the CAMERA that was there RECORDING YOU?! Shlem whines that Allison is the only person that stood up for her. That should tell you something. We’ll have time for more of her idiocy later. For now we have Allison acting like a bigger prick than Camille could ever dream of being, no matter how hard she works at it.
Faye calmly points out that Allison is rude and she’s bored with her. So Allison tells her she’s got two legs “last time we checked.” She says this with a glimmer in her eye, like that was really witty. Faye rolls her eyes, which is impressive considering how much shit is pumped into them. Allison keeps droning on with her fifth grade taunts and Kyle tells her she’s been sitting there with a shitty attitude all night. Allison fights that one by calling Kyle a washed up nobody a few times and says “you’ve never accomplished anything.” Then she slurs about the books she’s written and the TV show that was written about her and blahhhh. No one buys it. Kyle shouts about her beautiful children and Allison turns away from her and smokes her fake cigarette. What. A. DOUCHE.
THEN…is this twenty pages yet? Cuz it’s morning now. Anyway, THEN Camille says she knows that people were talking shit about her at the airport. UGH. SAME OLD SHIT. Kim bites and accuses Taylor of saying stuff, then Taylor yells that she was being baited. The best thing about this fight is neither one of them said a single bad thing about Camille that day but they’re so eager to please the old cow jugged hooker that they’re pointing fingers at each other, convinced someone must have said something. Hilarious. I haven’t seen a fight with opponents this dumb since the Vice Presidential debate.
Now there are four screeching harpies. But Camille’s smiling her first genuine smile of the night. You gotta hand it to her. She did something right. It was pointless and ridiculous, but it worked.
Kyle yells that this is bullshit, Taylor calls Kim looney tunes, and Kim tells Taylor to go blow up her lips some more. HAHAHAHAHA. For once I have something in common with Haggy Hair Friend (besides saggy man boobs):
Would it be rude to ask for some popcorn?
Taylor stands up and screams “ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! These aren’t the ladies we are!” Too late, sucka! They’re all standing now and staring each other down. Kyle shouts that she has never had problems like this with another chick and she just doesn’t get why Camille has a problem with her. Poutwhine “But I doooon’t! That’s what’s so weeeeeird!” HAHAHAH. Really, Camille? REALLY? Kyle says she would never say something hurtful like the Frasier thing to her. Camille says she did say it. No, you didn’t skip to last week’s recap. Or the week before. Or the week before. Or the week before. Or the week before. I’m sick of typing that but you get it.
Al slurs “you said it! You said it! If she says you said it you said it!” Kyle tells her she just proved what a shitty psychic she is, and Al flips her off. HHHHHHHAAAAAAA. Even Camille’s trying to call Allison off now, but that bitch is determined to lose all credibility by the end of the hour. And she’s succeeding. Yay goals.
The ladies we like leave the room. Al keeps shouting FUCK THEM and making jerk off motions with her hands. “I can tell you when she’s gonna die and what’s gonna happen to her family. I love that about me!” FUCKING FAKER! Can you tell us when America collectively decided that you were a charlatan asswipe? Cuz it was right before Thursday morning hit. Patricia Arquette deserves an Emmy for making this horrible human being palatable. Hell. Give her an Oscar and a Nobel Peace Prize.
Kim comes in to thank Shlemiel for the night from hell and then backs out of the room and knocks into a plant. HAHHAHAH!!! Outside, Kyle yells at Kim for picking a fight with Taylor when she was supposed to be the one fighting. Man. Just. Priceless. Inside, Allison calls Kyle a bitch over and over and says she’s the girl in high school that made girls kill themselves. If they were anything like you then she was doing the world a favor. She continues that she would shove her douche cig up Kyle’s ass but she’d need a bigger one to fit up there. What does that even mean? “Bitch is a one syllable word for a reason. It’s all they understand.” I don’t even understand what the fuck she’s talking about any more. Camille and Haggy laugh a lot, though, so I guess they get it. Confused shrug.
Outside, the women huddle up and the sprinklers turn on. Lisa “the psychic turned them on!” HA! Camille is in instavictim mode. “She came into my house and verbally assaulted me.” Bitch you’re lucky you didn’t get your weave snatched out. The paid friends (yes, Al is one of them because she makes a good living off the show Shlemiel’s husband produces) assure her that Kyle is evil for bringing a friend to be on her side. And what the fuck are you two? Employed. That’s what. Camille tries to say “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” but doesn’t know the saying well enough to repeat it. Moron couldn’t even get the Bush version out.
Shame on humanity.
Al, still ranting and raving, says that if any of those ladies’ kids went missing, they’d suddenly be calling for her help. They’d call to ask where you buried them, you psycho. I think you’ve pretty much proven to the seventy million people watching this where your skill level’s at.
Patrick Swayze told me I’m gonna vomit martini on this table within thirty minutes. Wait for it.
The girls in the limo are laughing about what a freak Al is. Meanwhile, she’s getting drunker by the second and saying that she was right about Kyle’s man and adds “he loves his nannies and you can’t blame him. She’s an icy bitch.” Then Shlemiel laughs “he loves more than his nannies” and Al snorts and crawls under the table. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! Has he cheated? Or are they just spinning bullshit as usual? WTF? She can get sued for saying shit like that, can’t she? I hope she gets fifty mill from Frasier and Mauricio sues her for slander. Dumb heifer. She continues “he loves women, let’s just say that. I’m not saying he’s cheating!” YES YOU ARE!! ON NATIONAL TV!! I hope Frasier’s watching this laughing his ass off while getting a blowjob from his new young fiance.
Kim was left to go home alone. She calls the other car from her cell, but they ignore her. Rude! Camille is saying that they just pick on her cuz she’s the nice one. Credit to the editors, cuz they have put clown music over this, at least. Allison starts in on what a bitch Taylor is. This has to end before my head explodes. I feel like Kim looks right now.
Camille says that she will def not be friends with those women anymore, and witty Allison retorts “friends? They can’t even spell friends.” OOH BURN!!
ROFL. Frinds. Duh.
The ep ends with the girls all going out to get a drink while Kim, shunned, listens to the phone ring and ring. Not. Cool. I hope there’s a grocery store open. At least she can go try her luck in the chicken aisle.
WOW. Definitely the juiciest episode of the season. And the least sensical. And the most disheartening. And the most hilarious. I don’t even know what to say. But I just said a lot, so I’ll leave it at that. It’s late morning now and my ass is going to bed. With a huge smile on my face. Thanks, bitches of BH! xo