RHOBH: A Bigger A Hole Than Shlemiel

Recaps

By Flipit | Friday, December 17, 2010 | 9:54 am | 68 Comments
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Posted in: Featured, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Recaps

Previously, Taylor put on Miss Piggy extensions and opened her soul while people played poker in fluorescent lighting, making Paul and Adrienne feel like total assholes for dressing like this:

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Everyone thinks Kermie’s really nice, but he put a fly in my custard once and tried to choke me to death. WAAAHHHH!!!

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I should have worn a fucking dress.

I don’t know if you guys have heard this, but one time, when no cameras were around, Kyle interrogated Camille Shlemiel Frasier about her trip to Hawaii and then asked her why anyone would want her there without Frasier. HUGE NEWS.

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We’ve heard this questioning accusation many times, but we’ve yet to get an answer. WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE WANT YOU THERE WITHOUT FRASIER?

Just answer so we can move on to another plot line. I had more fun watching Kyle getting her baby maker shellacked.

We are shown the clip of Shelemiel insisting that Kyle dissed her, and again, we all know that she’s full of some really messy poo. Then Kyle calls her a fucking liar, we cheer, and Shlemiel looks like the one of the kids called her mommy.

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We know from the previews, and commercials, and billboards, and internet ads, and facebook, and our dreams and walking nightmares, that today is the day Shlemiel is gonna make a go at becoming the supreme asshole of all Housewives Franchise assholes. Personally, I don’t think she has it in her, but you never know what fun traits can come out as time goes on. I didn’t pay a lick of attention to Dannielle Staub until I found out that she sang better than Whitney Houston.

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The current Whitney Houston, I mean.

I think Shlemiel’s a total dick, but I have to admit, she wasn’t in the past two episodes and it kinda killed it. What’s the point of watching if you can’t hate someone? If you don’t have stiff faced little ghosts chasing Pac Man around, he’s just a fat guy bingeing on dots.

We start with Lisa, Ken, and Jiggy. He shouldn’t wear the same colors as the dog. It’s super gay, and from far away it just looks like he’s got a hairy old man boob hanging out of his shirt.

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Matching shirts is bad enough. But matching hairdos is going too far. One of you needs to get to the groomer.

Lisa jokes that now that she has an American driver’s license, she’s gonna have a harder time with all the cops that pull her over. Don’t worry, Li. You still have the fake tits of a twenty five year old. You could hit a pedestrian and you’d get off with those things.

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Ken gives Lisa shit for being a bad driver, she gives him shit for being a bad driver that farts and blames Jiggy. End of argument. Lisa tells us that where she comes from, they drive more aggressively. Cut to a car driving ten miles an hour and honking at her shitty driving. She gives the car a dirty look and laughs and shrugs. Wow. Beverly Hills is definitely a different world than the rest of Los Angeles. If I did that in East Hollywood I’d get a water bottle thrown at my windshield.

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Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!

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Why would anyone want you at Geoffrey’s without Frasier there?

Cam and Taylor meet up for lunch. Shlemiel tells Taylor that she should really appreciate the time she has with her daughter cuz the cute little possible future serial killer is still too young to know how to scream “FUCK OFF SLAG I WANT MY DAAAAAAAAAD!” while she’s trying to lap dance a few bucks out of a tennis instructor. Cam hasn’t made much effort to hang with the other cast members, so she’s not really sure what she’s getting into with this funny faced Taylor person. “She seems genuine,” she shrugs. This friendship? Will never happen. I don’t even know if this lunch can last longer than ten minutes. There’s no one else at the restaurant and the waitress doesn’t have a penis. Nothing is going to keep this bitch awake for a one on one with a woman not in her employ.

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Yes, I’ve met Lillith. She’s not really a bitch in real life, but yes, she does talk snooty like that. No, Niles isn’t from England. UGH sigh. Have I mentioned that I’m a danc…no, the dad didn’t really need a cane. It was acting. I suggested it, actually. I do a lot for Frasier’s busine….no I don’t know Shelley Long. I almost met her at a restaurant once, but Frasier wasn’t with me so she pretended she didn’t see me and asked the hostess to escort me off the premises. You haven’t stared at my saline sacks once. These things cost more than my children. CHECK!

Camille orders vodka. But I thought she didn’t driiiiink you guuuuuuys! Maybe she just says that before she downs multiple shots of tequila and rubs up against her friends’ husbands’ pleated Dockers. Like a ritual or some shit. She orders and gets right to the point. She’s having a dinner party for the girls! Taylor doesn’t say anything and her face won’t move so I have no idea what she’s thinking. When people have rubber face masks on all the time, you have to learn to just imagine what they would look like without needles and chemicals. It’s the only way to have actual human interaction.

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Boring lunch scene.

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Awesome lunch scene. Down with plastic surgery!

Shlemiel hasn’t been around much, but it’s just cuz she wanted to take a break from all that drama in NY. Now, though, she’s decided to make an effort. She’s gonna “open my home” to the girls. How generous. If things go bad, she can show them the bar stool Frashe took off the set of Cheers and pull out the stamp she had made of his signature so they can all go home with a signed napkin.

Taylor thinks this is a great idea! Camille has a pizza oven and a private chef so this time will be totally different than the last time they hung out! The whole problem in New York was the restaurant decor. If they had had a pizza everything would have been fiiiine. I said that sarcastically, but I actually subscribe to that. You can’t shovel shit in and out of your mouth at the same time. I’d bet that skinny people fight more than fat people.

Shlemiel is going to be “cautiously optimistic” even though “it’s hard for me to forgive people.” Come on now, Camille. WWJD? Probably run like hell away from your crazy ass before you inseminated some homely minimum wage employee with his sperm to get half of Heaven when he knocks up a Virgin ho.

Camille is reading “The Forgiveness Book” to learn to forgive Kyle for not knowing her place as Frasier’s employee’s wife. If you’re into self help, I’ve got a much more appropriate tome for ya, kid.

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Camille’s gonna have a guest with her at the party. Did you know “we” produce that show? No, Camille. You haven’t mentioned that eighteen thousand times. Do you know how much it KILLS me that she has anything to do with that show? I LOVE THAT SHOW. I’m obsessed with it. I have seen every one and almost cried when I heard it got cancelled. KILLS ME. Anyway, the guest is going to be the real life MEDIUM, ALLISON DUBOIS!:@ELjs[odbhqerger]0gasldkjgha[sdih[werogih!?#:!!#t/g asgoih[giohashasghsdgaohg

NO FAAAAAIIIIRRR! I feel like I’m about to meet a staaah! OMG I’m so fucking excited right now. Taylor, like the rest of the country, apparently, doesn’t watch that show, but she’s psyched to meet a real psychic. I think. Or she’s horrified. Or sobbing. Who can say?

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Oh no who died?

Camille’s not bringing Allison because she’s impressive, she’s bringing her because she’s a drunk who gets all slurry and tells people off. Oh God NO. If Allison DuBois is on Camille’s side, I’m putting a brick through Patricia Arquette’s windshield. I’m seriously scared to press play. I’m gonna go pee.

That didn’t help. I’m still nervous. Let’s go to Adrienne’s now, even though I just wanna press FF and get my dreams of becoming best friends with Allison DuBois crushed. Paul is calling out for Ad, and it takes awhile for him to make his way through their giant outlet mall house to find her in the kitchen pretending to know how to make a peanut butter sandwich. It takes her the whole scene to butter one slice of bread. Paul’s got a bandage on his nose cuz he was wresting with the kids and got the four year old’s foot to his face. Adrienne laughs at him for being such a wussy. LOL. He has splints up his nose! She compliments her kid’s kick. Love this couple.

Paul tries to get a massage out of her, which of course doesn’t work. So he starts wheezing out of his fucked up nose. She looks like she wants to properly break it. But in a hot way. I’ve never seen someone so turned on by being annoyed.

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Bombchickawowowww

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Oh yeah just like that. Right theeere….YESYESYES!!! OK now please go to your own room so I can get some sleep.

Back to Camille. She’s calling all the girls to invite them over. She gets Lisa and starts blabbing, but there’s a bad connection or something.

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Can you hear me now? HI IT’S CAMILLE! Can you hear me now? NOW? Frasier’s here can you hear me now? IT’S FRASIER’S WIFE! HELLO? I HAVE TEN HOUSES!

Notice the pen. In case she has to take notes. Calling people is haaaard. She keeps trying to get Lisa to hear her. It seriously goes on forever. And then she realizes that she got Lisa’s trick voicemail. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Because at least once an episode, we need to be reminded why she’s called Shlemiel.

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Camille feels like a total a hole, and it’s awesome. She gets her pen back and regains her composure to call Kyle. “This should be interesting.” Kyle is shocked that Cam is calling, and says that she might have to bring a friend with her if that’s ok. As long as the friend is pepper spray, it’s fine by me. You’re gonna need it. Kyle is nice and gracious about the invite. Shlemiel hangs up and rolls her eyes at the camera. I could call her a c word right now, but it’s Christmas and I don’t wanna be so harsh. I’ll just show a really unflattering pic of her instead.

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Merry Xmas!

Time to feel like we’re all basically that poor gross drunk guy at the DMV who mortified Lisa.

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I never thought I’d end up dreaming of becoming an older lady with a rickety husband that wears pastel outfits that match my fluffy purse dog’s, but sometimes life takes us to unexpected places.

Lisa? Hero. Ken dresses to match the dog, and Lisa dresses to match the maid. I’m with this woman on every single issue. I’ve always thought maids make the best pets, too. Pinky linky!

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A pair of signed Louboutin’s. For fucking pizza at Shlemiel’s. Christian Louboutin is gonna be furious that he’s being taken to a party without Frasier there. Lisa is kinda scared about the dinner, and Jiggy is probably kinda scare of her right now.

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pleasenogodpleasenosparemeidon’twannadie

Kyle gets ready for the big night with her stylist and tells us that her date to the shit sling is Faye Resnick, who’s her best friend. ?!?! You guys. You remember her, don’t you? I didn’t either. So I looked her up. She was a friend of Nicole Brown Simpson and wrote two tell all books exploiting the shit out of that the second Nicole was murdered. Just to make sure you don’t think that she’s not classy, she also rode the dead friend wave all way to a spread in Playboy. I expected better from you, Kyle! Please ask your husband to take his shirt off so I can work past this.

On the other hand, she might be bringing Faye as a weapon. I’ll raise your drunk crazy bitch friend with an even drunker, crazier friend, BITCH.

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Gross.

So wait. You’re taking a Playboy model who exploited someone else’s name to get rich and famous to the home of a Playboy model who exploited someone else’s name to get rich and famous? Is Frasier trying to escape from Faye, too? If anything, those two will probably end up being best friends.

Haggy Hair Friend is getting Camille ready, already egging her on about this huge made up drama. Part of me wonders if Haggy Hair Friend is as much of a bottomfeeder as she pretends to be. She might just be encouraging Shlemiel to make as much of a dick of herself in public as she possibly can cuz she hates her.

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Why don’t you mention how much you’ve had to help me financially on national TV again, Boss Friend?

Oh gawd. Haggy Hair Friend is gonna come too! I hope Camille makes her wear a catering uniform. The girls go pick out an appropriate dress for the night. See thru? Well, you wanna be yourself, I guess. Transparent it is. Camille oohs and ahhhs over how she’ll have to pick a gorgeous giant bra from her massive collection. Bitch just wanted to open that bra drawer cuz Haggy Hair Friend is there. If Hag doesn’t hate her, she’s even stupider than she acts.

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Taylor swings by Adrienne’s in a stretch limo. In other news, I’m eating beans out of a can right now. It’s awesome watching Adrienne stiffly bend herself into the limo. What’s the point of working out and starving if you’re still gonna be worried about showing a stomach when you sit down?

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This is supposed to be a fun night. Please stop doing inappropriate crunches.

Lisa’s next in the car. Faye, Kyle and Kim are going separately in case things get ugly at Shlemiel’s or Faye needs to get back home to write a novel exploiting whatever shit goes down so she can try and get another slag mag shoot. Kim jokes that she’s been over to Shlemiel’s three times since NY, but Kim doesn’t find that too funny. I did! I like Kim more and more every week. Be honest with yourself. You’ve danced around singing “I got the chiiiiicken! Gimme the chiiiiiiicken!” at least once since last episode. Kim assures us that her loyalty is to her sister. Uh-huh. Like it was a couple weeks ago when you refused to just come out and say that Kyle never said what Camille accused her of. I think she feels guilty about that, cuz she’s giggling nervously. Or it could be because Faye’s in the car looking scary.

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I have nothing against plastic surgery. If I had money I would probably look like a fat version of Sandra Bullock right now. But I have a question: have they not come far enough to staple your skin to your skull without making your hairline begin in the middle of your head? These women all have giant foreheads. In a couple of decades their hairline is gonna start so far back they’re gonna look like cast members from Apocolypto.

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And now for the moment we’ve all I’ve been waiting for! Allison DuBois! The first thing she does is say that she waited to start drinking til she got here. LOL. Please let me love her. PLEASE.

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Stop covering your teeth. You’re not really Patricia Arquette.

Taylor warns the girls that Camille is having her famous drunk psychic weapon friend over and she could possibly tell people off. Cut to Camille handing Allison a GIANT cosmo. Put the arrow in that bow, bitch. Let’s go!

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Load your cannons.

Camille and Haggy Hair have already shit talked Kyle to Allison, and she’s ready to kick some ass. She’s gonna be mortified when she watches this and realizes she’s on the wrong team. Dreaming of murders instead of humiliating public exposure is such a waste. You can’t save dead people, but your reputation still has a chance, my sister! Focus on the living and don’t befriend the brain dead. Especially publicly.

Taylor, Ad, and Lisa show up, and it begins like every war in history has begun:

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HIEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OMG YOU LOOK SO CUUUUUUUTE!

Camille introduces Allison the only way she ever would, as someone famous. No one has seen Medium. Which is probably why it was cancelled. Bastards. Anyway, Lisa seems immediately skeptical of this red headed witchy woman, much like everyone is when they meet Patricia Arquette on the show. Allison is quick to point out that it’s cool having a show about her but she actually has a real job profiling serial killers. Lisa’s like mmmhmmm I’ll watch that sometime…? Hilarious. Then Lisa tells us, kinda put off, that Camille has come with a friend and a sidekick…psychic. HA. You know I loves me some Catskills humor.

The rest of the girls show up. Camille hugs Kyle fakely and thanks her sooooo muuuuuuch for coming hheeeeere! Pouty pout fake fake. Kyle looks scared.

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Cam gives Faye the same fakey bakey welcome. Faye smiles evilly like she’ll eat her alive and then sell a cookbook with recipes for each of her body parts.

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Camille senses it and bends down out of the way, like she’s literally ducking from the glare. Out of Faye’s sight, she rolls her eyes. HA. She needs to get her ass handed to her so hard tonight. I’m counting on you, Faye! Sidenote: I think Faye and Ad have a doctor in common. They look like they’re from the same rubber mold. It’s embarrassing when two women show up to a party wearing the same dress. It’s mortifying when they show up with the same face.

Lisa points out that the drinks are fishbowls and obviously designed to get everyone trashed. They’re only a couple sips in, and already Shlemiel is standing right behind Kyle rolling her eyes as obviously as possible with Haggy Hair Friend next to her acting like she’s got a front row seat at the Shamu show.

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Camille announces that her two guests of honor are gonna sit next to her but the rest of the girls can sit wherever. I have to stop and think here for a second. Has Shlemiel uttered one fucking sentence on this show that wasn’t insanely obnoxious? EVEN ONE?! If you can think of one, please tell me. K back to the show. Allison raises her bowl and makes a speech. She feels so young that when Saturday comes around she still wants to have fun! And it’s a girl’s night so they have to be bad in a controlled setting! Smooth, Allison. She basically just walked into the ring with a bikini to get the plebs all riled up for a good beating.

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Allison’s crudeness gives Kyle instawrinkles, which is unforgivable. God I wish Patricia Arquette was playing Allison tonight. The real one’s annoying as fuck.

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The girls loosen up a little and those giant drinks keep a comin. Ad sits next to Allison and she says at first she thought the chick was kinda bizarre, but she talks to dead people so there you have it. HA. Allison, slurring already, says that she has a brother, but no sisters. That’s why she likes hanging out with alpha females. She directs that to all of them with a sly smile and they cheers to that. Kyle giggles nervously at the end of the cheers and asks if they’re all alphas. “I mean we’re just assuming we’re alphas…” Calm down. She didn’t technically call you a bitch yet. Give her time.

Haggy Hair Friend pipes up. They’re all alpha females! HAHA you’re a yesman buttlicking paid friend living in one of Frasier’s unused homes, sugar. That’s not alpha. That’s called being a leech. But you’re right about the rest of them. Haggy keeps on blabbing about how society puts alpha women down. Lisa laughs “they usually call us bitches, dahling.” HA. Camille and her lackeys honestly think everyone’s too stupid to know they’re being called bitches? They’re not. They’re just to polite to take turns stabbing you in Frasier’s hard earned home.

Camille is getting bored fast because the ladies are avoiding the bitchiness at every turn. She’s literally just staring off into space the whole time not talking to anyone or making any effort. Then, out of nowhere, she announces that she has no idea who Faye is and asks Kyle. Quiet. Kyle says they are like sisters. Camille’s like uh-huh that’s nice. OH WAIT! I know where I’ve seen her! Posing naked in Playboy after the OJ trial! It’s ON. Faye instinctively protects her nose. Girls fight like such pussies.

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The table is mortified that she would be so fucking rude. She usually at least pretends like she’s nice. And you know why you recognize her from Playboy, skank? Cuz she got the COVER. Tried finding even one pic of you, who’s done Playboy MULTIPLE times, and nothing even came up. Sad horns. Someone has me rooting for Faye. Camille must be destroyed.

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The table sits in shock for a second, so Camille says it again and just stares at Faye, waiting for a response. Kyle no longer looks scared. If she had Vaseline right now she’d put it all over her face, put her hair in a ponytail and take off her earrings.

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Still silence. So Shlemiel adds “and you looked greeeeat!” HAHAH. Faye stays completely composed and firmly says “thank you.” Nice, Faye. Well done. Just let her look dumber and dumber. Shlem tells us that she suddenly realized who Faye was when she saw the extensions and big fake blown up lips. IS THIS BITCH KIDDING?!?!?! Does she think we can’t plainly see that she has extensions and big blown up fake lips? And we don’t know that she was in Playboy? She continues “Yup. Faye Resnick. The Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick.” Oh she’s not done. She still hasn’t cracked Faye at all, so she seals it with a “I loved your spread. Literally.” Taylor, Lisa and Kyle are now laughing openly at Shlemiel’s disgustingness. Poor Shlemiel is such a failure that she can’t even be a proper bitch. PS she’s currently trying to get back into Playboy while threatening to release a sex tape of her and Frasier. Shlemiel must be destroyed. Have I already said that?

Faye, refusing to let this c get to her, laughs and says “I didn’t spread!” Ah, the righteousness of hos. Seriously. Kyle calls Camille out on doing Playboy too, and she says it was only a supplement..like with lingerie. HA. You couldn’t even get a real spread? And you’re bragging? You’re obviously a ho, and now you’re acting like it’s awesome that you’re a bad ho. Congrats! You win! You’re even untalented at hoishness! YAY YOU.

Then the conversation turns to Camille and how it’s totally not real that she was wearing lingerie in Playboy. Fucking liar. No one lets her get away with that one, and she shuts her face pretty quick. She tells us, though, that sure she did Playboy too but that was a way long time ago and it wasn’t to make a quick buck after her bff was murdered. She doesn’t want to associate with those kinds of people. Well ain’t that the pussy callin’ the cat a cunt. Kim makes a joke about posing in the mag with Kim. HA. Everyone laughs. Then Allison whips out one of those weird electric cigarettes and starts puffing away and smiling like the Cheshire Cat. Kyle does a perfect, shifty eyed imitation of her and says “that’s Jack Nicholson from The Shining.” Hehehehehehe.

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Lisa asks Allison about dead people, and Allison says that if there are dead people at dinner parties she makes sure that they play second fiddle to alive people. Then she blahs about how she can tap into people’s thoughts and tell what kind of childhoods they had and stuff. She’s so full of shit. I’m kinda glad Medium was cancelled now. If they were truer to this phony’s true personality it would have never made it on the air. I want someone to play me and make me more presentable. I nominate Aileen Quinn.

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Camille is offended that people are asking Allison about being psychic. Uh-huh. You shouldn’t have introduced her as TV’s Original Medium you fucking nitwit. You could have just said “this is Allison” but you had to get oooh ahh points from a show no one’s seen. Al laughs and slurs that she’s been studied by “scientists for several years and on Oprah in front of seventy million people.” HAHAHAHAH Oprah WISHES. What an idiot. Even Camille knows she’s losing ground, and she’s a Shlemiel. She takes away Allison’s drink and Lisa just keeps peppering the lush with questions. “Is my grandmother here?” I know I am typing LOL and HAHAHA a lot, but I’m laughing my ass off over here. Lisa wants Lush to do some tricks for them.

Al says that she tries to stay off the clock at parties cuz she’s like a drug. Once you have a little you want more. Patricia Arquette is sitting at home with her forehead in her palms right now. Kyle cracks a joke to Faye about needing to pull out her credit card for when Al comes on the clock. Faye taunts Al into doing just one little reading for one person! Al slurs “don’t tempt me!” and Kyle asks what that means. Awkward pause. “You don’t wanna get me started.” Everyone giggles at her bullshit. Shlemiel jumps in and says that Alison will bring up very personal stuff and it’s dangerous in public. “If your husband’s cheating on you, you’ll know.” Obviously not. How delicious is this? Frasiers sperm is swimming around in some stewardess during this dinner party and Cam has nooooo idea. LOVE IT.

Kyle keeps taunting her for a reading. Al says it might irritate Kyle. Uhohyay. Bring it! Al says that Kyle has been married twice, which isn’t really news. Then she says Kyle will have to get married again because her husband will never emotionally fulfill her. Once the kids are gone they’ll have nothing in common. “Know that.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a “psychic” giving a reading in a “kiss my ass, bitch!” tone before. It makes it way more exciting.

The table is shocked into silence. They know that’s complete bullshit. That couple is in love so hard that it makes everyone else feel like shit about their own lives. So she’s obviously a fake. Besides, even if she was right, who cares? Who needs emotional fulfillment when this is your husband?

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Will he still be able to do this? Then I’m good, thanks.

Kyle looks pissed but stays calmish. She deadpans “anything else?” Al tells her to “put her walls down” for women in her life, cuz she gets along better with men. HA! SHE’S TERRIBLE! I feel like I just wasted fiveish years of my life watching a bullshit show. Bravo, you’ve robbed me of some serious happiness. Camille laughs with the rest of the girls and says that Al is describing her, not Kyle. Al has a nice fresh bowl of booze, btw. She doesn’t have much to say, since she’s just been wrong twice in a row. This gives Shlemiel a chance to say that she is close to men cuz women are always catty with her and she’s defensive.

Lisa calls bs and says that doesn’t have to be true, and Kyle says maybe they fought because Cam was defensive with her. Al snarks “you’re offensive.” Woah! Camille makes sure everyone knows that she didn’t tell Al exactly what happened in NY. She told her about Kyle but stopped short of the full story. So you basically just said Kyle was a raging bitch and then left the rest up to Al. That’s what adults do. Stupid Shlemiel. Faye says she doesn’t believe for one second that Camille didn’t blab about Kyle to Allison. Go Faye!

Camille puts her hand to her heart and whines “that’s discounting what I’m saaaaying!” Ha. Yes, sugar. That’s one very flattering way to put it, yes. (head pat.) (hand wipe.) These people aren’t on your payroll.

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You’ve seen Hank, right? I did that.

Faye says that real girlfriends tell each other everything and if Allison and Shlemiel are really friends then she would know what’s going on. Allison repeats it back as an angry question. Yes, Allison. She is accusing you of not being true friends with Camille. Compute. Compute. Drink. What was I computing? You are!

Al shouts that Camille can fight her own battles. Then why are you talking shit for her? Camille starts droning/shouting at Faye about only coming tonight to stand up for Kyle. Faye regains her composure automatically and says it’s not true. Camille repeats the accusation over and over again. If you don’t talk then you can’t win. Nannynannybooboo. Faye makes the mistake of saying all she knows is that Kyle was attacked. Then there’s a lot of squawking. Camille was the one who was attacked! Get your story straight or your fired from Frasier’s dinner party, Faye!

Camille starts shoutwhining about being attacked, Kyle shouts back that Camille was the one acting like a tool, Allison starts yelling at the lime in her margarita for giving her lotto numbers while she’s trying to stand up for Shlemiel, Shlem yellspouts that Faye’s just there to stick up for Kyle, which is unfair, Allison yells at the cool air coming through the vent to stop telling her dirty stories while she’s trying to focus on enunciating well enough to attack someone she doesn’t even know, Kyle shouts for All to stfu and mind her beeswax. It’s really pretty amazing.

Shlemiel tells us that she feels like the whole thing was a setup and Faye was brought here to stick up for Kyle. Then, in the next breath, she tells us that people shouldn’t be mad at Allison for sticking up for her. HA. You specifically said you were inviting Allison to tell people off. Do you not remember the CAMERA that was there RECORDING YOU?! Shlem whines that Allison is the only person that stood up for her. That should tell you something. We’ll have time for more of her idiocy later. For now we have Allison acting like a bigger prick than Camille could ever dream of being, no matter how hard she works at it.

Faye calmly points out that Allison is rude and she’s bored with her. So Allison tells her she’s got two legs “last time we checked.” She says this with a glimmer in her eye, like that was really witty. Faye rolls her eyes, which is impressive considering how much shit is pumped into them. Allison keeps droning on with her fifth grade taunts and Kyle tells her she’s been sitting there with a shitty attitude all night. Allison fights that one by calling Kyle a washed up nobody a few times and says “you’ve never accomplished anything.” Then she slurs about the books she’s written and the TV show that was written about her and blahhhh. No one buys it. Kyle shouts about her beautiful children and Allison turns away from her and smokes her fake cigarette. What. A. DOUCHE.

THEN…is this twenty pages yet? Cuz it’s morning now. Anyway, THEN Camille says she knows that people were talking shit about her at the airport. UGH. SAME OLD SHIT. Kim bites and accuses Taylor of saying stuff, then Taylor yells that she was being baited. The best thing about this fight is neither one of them said a single bad thing about Camille that day but they’re so eager to please the old cow jugged hooker that they’re pointing fingers at each other, convinced someone must have said something. Hilarious. I haven’t seen a fight with opponents this dumb since the Vice Presidential debate.

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 7.42.03 Am
LOL

Now there are four screeching harpies. But Camille’s smiling her first genuine smile of the night. You gotta hand it to her. She did something right. It was pointless and ridiculous, but it worked.

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 7.40.58 AmScreen Shot 2010-12-17 At 7.43.38 Am

Kyle yells that this is bullshit, Taylor calls Kim looney tunes, and Kim tells Taylor to go blow up her lips some more. HAHAHAHAHA. For once I have something in common with Haggy Hair Friend (besides saggy man boobs):

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 7.46.14 Am
Would it be rude to ask for some popcorn?

Taylor stands up and screams “ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH! These aren’t the ladies we are!” Too late, sucka! They’re all standing now and staring each other down. Kyle shouts that she has never had problems like this with another chick and she just doesn’t get why Camille has a problem with her. Poutwhine “But I doooon’t! That’s what’s so weeeeeird!” HAHAHAH. Really, Camille? REALLY? Kyle says she would never say something hurtful like the Frasier thing to her. Camille says she did say it. No, you didn’t skip to last week’s recap. Or the week before. Or the week before. Or the week before. Or the week before. I’m sick of typing that but you get it.

Al slurs “you said it! You said it! If she says you said it you said it!” Kyle tells her she just proved what a shitty psychic she is, and Al flips her off. HHHHHHHAAAAAAA. Even Camille’s trying to call Allison off now, but that bitch is determined to lose all credibility by the end of the hour. And she’s succeeding. Yay goals.

The ladies we like leave the room. Al keeps shouting FUCK THEM and making jerk off motions with her hands. “I can tell you when she’s gonna die and what’s gonna happen to her family. I love that about me!” FUCKING FAKER! Can you tell us when America collectively decided that you were a charlatan asswipe? Cuz it was right before Thursday morning hit. Patricia Arquette deserves an Emmy for making this horrible human being palatable. Hell. Give her an Oscar and a Nobel Peace Prize.

Kim comes in to thank Shlemiel for the night from hell and then backs out of the room and knocks into a plant. HAHHAHAH!!! Outside, Kyle yells at Kim for picking a fight with Taylor when she was supposed to be the one fighting. Man. Just. Priceless. Inside, Allison calls Kyle a bitch over and over and says she’s the girl in high school that made girls kill themselves. If they were anything like you then she was doing the world a favor. She continues that she would shove her douche cig up Kyle’s ass but she’d need a bigger one to fit up there. What does that even mean? “Bitch is a one syllable word for a reason. It’s all they understand.” I don’t even understand what the fuck she’s talking about any more. Camille and Haggy laugh a lot, though, so I guess they get it. Confused shrug.

Outside, the women huddle up and the sprinklers turn on. Lisa “the psychic turned them on!” HA! Camille is in instavictim mode. “She came into my house and verbally assaulted me.” Bitch you’re lucky you didn’t get your weave snatched out. The paid friends (yes, Al is one of them because she makes a good living off the show Shlemiel’s husband produces) assure her that Kyle is evil for bringing a friend to be on her side. And what the fuck are you two? Employed. That’s what. Camille tries to say “fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me” but doesn’t know the saying well enough to repeat it. Moron couldn’t even get the Bush version out.

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 8.08.21 Am
Shame on humanity.

Al, still ranting and raving, says that if any of those ladies’ kids went missing, they’d suddenly be calling for her help. They’d call to ask where you buried them, you psycho. I think you’ve pretty much proven to the seventy million people watching this where your skill level’s at.

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 8.10.19 Am
Patrick Swayze told me I’m gonna vomit martini on this table within thirty minutes. Wait for it.

The girls in the limo are laughing about what a freak Al is. Meanwhile, she’s getting drunker by the second and saying that she was right about Kyle’s man and adds “he loves his nannies and you can’t blame him. She’s an icy bitch.” Then Shlemiel laughs “he loves more than his nannies” and Al snorts and crawls under the table. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?!?! Has he cheated? Or are they just spinning bullshit as usual? WTF? She can get sued for saying shit like that, can’t she? I hope she gets fifty mill from Frasier and Mauricio sues her for slander. Dumb heifer. She continues “he loves women, let’s just say that. I’m not saying he’s cheating!” YES YOU ARE!! ON NATIONAL TV!! I hope Frasier’s watching this laughing his ass off while getting a blowjob from his new young fiance.

Kim was left to go home alone. She calls the other car from her cell, but they ignore her. Rude! Camille is saying that they just pick on her cuz she’s the nice one. Credit to the editors, cuz they have put clown music over this, at least. Allison starts in on what a bitch Taylor is. This has to end before my head explodes. I feel like Kim looks right now.

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 8.19.17 Am

Camille says that she will def not be friends with those women anymore, and witty Allison retorts “friends? They can’t even spell friends.” OOH BURN!!

Screen Shot 2010-12-17 At 8.20.40 Am
ROFL. Frinds. Duh.

The ep ends with the girls all going out to get a drink while Kim, shunned, listens to the phone ring and ring. Not. Cool. I hope there’s a grocery store open. At least she can go try her luck in the chicken aisle.

WOW. Definitely the juiciest episode of the season. And the least sensical. And the most disheartening. And the most hilarious. I don’t even know what to say. But I just said a lot, so I’ll leave it at that. It’s late morning now and my ass is going to bed. With a huge smile on my face. Thanks, bitches of BH! xo

Flipit
About

Currently, Flipit's writing Real Housewives of Beverly Hills recaps, which you can find here. You can also find him doing a gossip segment twice a week called BS of the Day and video recaps of Project Runway All Stars, as well as spoof ReDubs of the coming soon trailers at the end of RHOBH!

Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit

68 Comments

  1. 1
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 10:02 am

    Asshole No More, by X. Crement.

    HAHAHA!

  2. 2
    mere2142
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 10:36 am

    I actually got up and watched this before I went to work since I fell asleep last night. Wow. I don’t even know where to bring. Major kudos to you Flipit for getting this up so quickly! We owe you one!! I have never been so amused by amazon.com!

    This episode was insane and completely made up for last week’s snoozefest. Seriously if Medium hadn’t already been canceled, Al would have sealed the deal after this aired!

  3. 3
    Wheres My Coffee?
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:04 am

    Oh wow! An 11 page recap this quickly! Definitely a juicy episode. Makng a cup of coffee right now to settle in and read. I can wrap Christmas presents later. Thank you Flipit!

  4. 4
    Stewinberri
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:08 am

    Sweet Baby Jesus. This was one huge fame wrecking ball aimed at what was left of Camille’s reputation. This woman is batshit. Does it get any crazier. Please let Frazier get custody of the kids. I cannot imagine what their days would be like living with this woman. The sycophantic employee/friends, the grabbiness with other people’s men and the shit stirring with her crazy girlfriends.

    Camille and Allison could end up as the stars of an episode of Deadly Women. I think those two bitches could kill someone while in their drunken rage filled stupors. This was beyond juvenile. Look out Kyle. Don’t go on any drives alone with Camille and her friends, they may beat you up, shave your head, rape you with a bottle and set you on fire. ALLLLL FORRR talking shit about Camille. She scares me. Yikes!

    Fantastic recap Flipit, you perfectly captured the essence of all that crazy. Shudders

  5. 5
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:09 am

    You didn’t waste any time getting this recap up, so thanks for that. I hate Camille more every time she opens her mouth accompanied by that evil smirk of hers when she thinks she had delivered some wounding dig at one of the other women. The best part of the whole epi was her telling all the guests that her psychic friend/employee knows if your husband is cheating. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!

  6. 6
    Stewinberri
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:15 am

    Forgot to add, “If your husband’s cheating on you, you’ll know. Obviously not” Priceless. Does Camille even have the sense to feel like the frahdigging fool that she is now that this is airing?

  7. 7
    dee
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:19 am

    “Well ain’t that a pussy callin’ the cat a cunt.” Brilliant! A phrase that will live in infamy. At least for me. I can think of dozens of ways to steal it and I will. Thanks, Flipit. Fantastic recap.

  8. 8
    what?
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Thanks Flipit for getting this up so fast! Fab recap!!!!

    Hate Camille – but LOVED this episode, I kept having to pick my mouth up off the floor – seemed like every 5 seconds.

    The hubby was absolutely hot for Camille when this show first aired, then she opened her mouth and showed her true colors- he didn’t like her personality, but still thought she was hot. This episode totally ruined Camille for him, Camille is so not HOT anymore and I am so doing a happy dance!!!!!

    I was rolling on the floor when Ass Allison was talking about Kyle and her husband. Just kept thinking she was getting her wires crossed and should have been looking to her left instead of across the table. I can’t even imagine what an absolute fool Camille is feeling like now…Oh wait she is so involved with herself she probably does not even realize! I was surprised at her apology to Kyle on WWH – but I think it was more to make herself look better than anything else.

    Don’t think I can watch Medium anymore…thank GOD they didn’t make the character on the show anything like the real Allison!

  9. 9
    Wheres My Coffee?
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 11:46 am

    Does anyone else think that Kim is trying to say that Taylor got Camille revved up in NY by telling her they were talking about her at the airport? I swear that’s what she’s trying to say, and it’s really important for people to hear. But no one has enough respect for Kim to let her talk. Plus she trips all over her tongue anyway.

    What was with the great mediator Adriene doing nothing? Any one of those women could have changed the subject at any time. I think none of them (besides Kyle & Faye) have any idea how to handle crap like this. Little people usually clean up these kind of messes for them.

    Last night’s episode was delish. Too bad Marie Osmond had to show up and take over WWH afterward. Grrrrrrr.

  10. 10
    Fan-Ann
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 12:08 pm

    Wow!! I didn’t think there was another bitch as delusional as Camille, but Bravo gifted us with Allison. What a vicious harpy..sitting there drunkenly blowing smoke and slandering other guests (victims) with innuendos and slurs. Even for a paid friend she was particularly vile. As dumb as Camille is, it seemed that even she progressed from enjoying Allison’s behavior to maybe thinking that it went too far. She was worried enough to make an apology call to Kyle on Miss Andy’s show, but it was as fake as her implants. This was hardly the behavior of the social doyenne that C. desires to be. Sorry Flipit that it ruined Medium for you, but take solace in the fact that Allison lost any credibility she may have once enjoyed. Fabulous recap as usual!!!

  11. 11
    whoochile
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    only on page 4 but you could have hit me upside the head with a silicone filled tata I was soo surprised to see Faye Resnick walk in!
    I don’t even know what to say about the medium. There was all kinds of crazy wrapped up in that electric cigarette, wtf was that all about?
    on to more reading

  12. 12
    whoochile
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    bwahhaaha! Last week I posted the chicken dance song on my daughter’s fb page, because why wouldn’t I?

  13. 13
    HereGoHellCome
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Thanks for posting this so quickly Flipit! I was dying to read what you thought – great recap as always!

  14. 14
    Jeanine Schaefer
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 1:34 pm

    Was Camille trying to insinuate that she slept with Mauricio without actually saying so? B/c that’s what I got out of it, even though I don’t believe it for a second. As much as I would love for Mauricio to leave Kyle for me, I love it even more that he loves his wife and family so much. Camille is the most douche-tastic person to ever grace the RH franchises. What was that awesome word again? Oh yes, she’s a fucking TWATWAFFLE!

  15. 15
    whoochile
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 1:39 pm

    @jeannie~on wwhl schmeil actually called in and apologized for making those accusations.

  16. 16
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 1:53 pm

    I saw WWHL where Camille called in. It seemed to me to be nothing more than a CYA apology, as opposed to the apologies that Kyle has offered to Camille regarding this whole brouhaha, which appeared sincere and which Camille summarily rejected.

  17. 17
    crankyguy crankyguy
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    I would be amused to see Kyle’s husband sue Camille over her public slander and be awarded a large chunk of Kelsey’s divorce money.

  18. 18
    Jeanine Schaefer
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 2:06 pm

    I can’t believe the viciousness in which Shlemiel was trying to say such things about Mauricio. I really think that the only reason she did call in to WWHL was to cover her ass against getting sued for slander. She’s just so trashy!

    And I LOVED Kyle’s imitation of Alison the Charlatan smoking the electronic cigarette, pretending to be Jack Nicholson from ‘The Shining’. Brilliant.

  19. 19
    Jeanine Schaefer
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    @Crankyguy, that would be great! Get Mo and Kyle a BIG chunk of Frasier change and then see who ranks where in the “pecking order”! Bitch!

  20. 20
    kdognatl
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 2:20 pm

    Flipit you are incredible for having such a GREAT recap up so fast!!!! Could not stop laughing. This was a juicy episode.

    @ Wheresmycoffe, I totally think that is what Kim is trying to do. I agree with everything you said. It irks me that it is so hard for her to articulate that. Kim in the limo was pitiful and funny. I too am starting to like her more. I agree with everyone else about how vile Cam is. And what a twat Allison. I watched WWH too and thought the apology was for tv. Kyle’s not dumb, she knew that. Also Boo on Marie Osmond showing up too.

    Again, excellent recap Flipit!!!!

  21. 21
    JKW
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 2:52 pm

    That apology was crap. She didn’t apologize about what was said by Malice-son, only what she said about Kyles husband. She was the hostess and should have stopped that bullshit right away. However, tough to do when you are the one instigating it.

  22. 22
    NatPatBen
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    @Wheresmycoffee and kdognatl: Add me to the list that thinks Kim is misunderstood and disrespected. I like Kyle a lot less for how she treats Kim through her outright attacks and snide remarks here & there.

  23. 23
    HereGoHellCome
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    @ Jeanine – I got that vibe too (Camille insinuating that she slept with Mo) – I doubt he’d stoop to it, him and Kyle seem pretty happy! But that whole conversation at the table after the girls left was downright creepy…I also think that the psychic hit the nail on the head with the reading…if she was talking about Camille! Def not Kyle…

    And Andy was hilarious on the after show smoking the electric cig!

  24. 24
    indcolts1813
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 6:23 pm

    So has anyone else noticed that Camille doesn’t look at the camera when she’s lying? It goes something like this during the confessionals…(eyes up) “I don’t understand why she’s so mean to me. (Eyes down) She called me stupid and said I’m nothing without Kelsey (bobs head around to distract from the fact that she isn’t looking at the camera, eyes still down). (Eyes up) It’s like she’s (eyes down) jealous of me because (eyes up) I’m so (eyes down) beautiful.” Seriously, if you haven’t noticed go back and watch. It is totally true.

    Anyways…glass houses anyone? It’s like she’s the most unaware person that ever was. I think it just proves that she KNOWS that Kelsey was cheating on her, that she wasn’t good enough to get a Playboy cover, etc., and is using those things to attack other people. Kyle is right – she is extremely insecure (for good reason). There’s no way that she can sit there and accuse people of being in situations that are exactly like the situation that she was in at the time ad just not know what was going on.

    On WWHL, Kyle said that Faye did the cover of Playboy 3 years after her friend Nicole Brown was murdered. I looked it up, and she’s right. Nicole died in June 1994 and Faye’s issue of Playboy came out in March 1997. So yeah, not only did Camille specifically look up information about Faye to use as ammunition during the dinner party, but she’s so stupid that she didn’t even get it right. Although in her defense, it is hard to remember 2 facts about someone at a time.

  25. 25
    LAC
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Flipit – wow! Thank you for recap. I still cannot believe that I looked at that silicone botoxed trainwreck last night. Has there been anyone more vile and repellent than Camille? That plastic bitch’s comeuppance is well deserved. Kelsey Grammer can marry his little pop tart and take her on the floor of the church hall before God and man with my blessings. Although I enjoy the theatrics of dinner, Camille is vile! And who the fuckedy fuck is that Allison bitch? I never watched Medium, but I hope that heiffa gets buried alive somewhere and has to rely on other psychics to save her ass – something tells me that bitch will be waiting a loooong time, smoking her fake ass cigarette…

  26. 26
    MtnMama
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 8:05 pm

    Before RHOBH, I was appalled that Kelsey would cheat on his wife and dump her so unceremoniously. After just one episode, I applaud him. My only question is why on earth did he wait so long???

  27. 27
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    I like Kyle, and thinks she was justified in speaking up at the dinner but I hate how she always makes Kim her scapegoat after an arguement. She takes all of her frustrations out on Kim. And like my Kimmy-poo. Something tells me Kyle is even bitchier when the cameras are off. Who’s live-in housekeeper sneaks out in the middle of the night with their belongings? I mean, if you leave a job, you would at least want a decent reference, right? Or the satisfaction of yelling, “I quit!”, before grabbing two beers and deploying the inflatable slide to freedom. What would make this woman sneak away like that?

    It appears that the Maloof has natural boobs. With that face and hair, who’d have thunk it?
    She could definitely use a stylist to her determine the difference between sophistication and tarty. In the words of a wise queen named CalTran, “I’m not saying she should dress down, only that she should class up.”

    Really, Allison? You’re proud that your life story inspired Medium? I’d understand if your life story inspired Wonder Woman or even Striperella, but Medium? I only watched that show because I had to. I was staying in a volunteer house in Rio and there was only one english language channel. All it played was CSI, Oprah, and Medium. My friend and I would take the piss out of each episode in order to keep ourselves entertained. We critqued everything from Patricia Arquette’s schlubby wardrobe to the fact that she and her husband spent atleast 30 mins of each episode lying in bed. Talking. Not the sexy pillow talk either. The whiny, “why do dead people like me so much, especially when I don’t take my medicine?”, kind of pillow talk. All in a dirty robe and torn t-shirt. At least, that’s how I remembered. I was stoned most of the time. Don’t judge. If the only TV option you had was Medium, you’d be stoned, too.

    Flip, I so agree that what Allison thought were witty barbs were just silly observations or asinine comments. “You have two legs… last time I checked.” Squint, pout, smirk. Oh, so you noticed Faye didn’t hop into the room? How perceptive!

    I love Lisa’s voicemail. I had it on my home phone years ago after finding a site for funny voicemail messages on the internet. I find it equally hilarious that Camille was calling from a landline and still got fooled. I could understand a cellphone because of possible poor reception, but a landline? She started toying with the receiver, pushing buttons, leaning closer to the phone…HAHAHAHA!

    Allison is RHoBH’s Kim G, isn’t she?

    Maybe a fellow fashionista can help me out. (I’m looking at you, Matt) Is Kyle’s bracelet that she wore to the dinner Hermes? It looks like a design from a few years ago and way to heavy and gold to wear with such a thin, flowy top. At least, she cinched the waist on her hippie top this time, giving her some semblance of a figure. Although, I would have preferred the belt not match the bracelet exactly. Two wrongs don’t make a right.

  28. 28
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 17, 2010 at 9:04 pm

    Juicy gossip alert!!

    I stumbled onto this site and it had a bunch of info on our ladies of luxury.

    If you has to guess, how old would you think Faye Resnick might be? I put her around Kyle’s age..early 40′s, just with more plastic surgery and the Maloof’s fashion sense. Well, I was wrong. Faye is no less than 53 yrs old. She was born in 1957 and posed for Playboy in 1997 at the tender age of 39. So while I was previously appalled by the work done on her face, I’m now somewhat impressed.

    Remember that ‘job’ Allison bragged about where she helps police track down serial killers? Turns out, she only did it once and she was wrong and strong! The funniest part is how she profiled the killer as having ‘issues with his mother.’ Bwahaha! That’s some clue, Ally.

    Leech and Lisa are no more! Not only has he moved out, they are reportedly no longer speaking. Does it surprise anyone that Leech is shopping a reality show of his own? He should just join the cast of The A-List: LA and be done with it.

    Kim and Lisa are both selling their homes. Here’s your chance to live in Beverly Hills, people. Only, they don’t live in Beverly Hills. None of the ladies do. However, Lisa’s impressive home can be yours for a cool $29 million (you’ll have to call Martin, he’s her realtor) or you can pick up Kyle’s for just $2.45 million. Pennies! (And possibly a private tour with Mauricio…yum!)

    There a few more juicy tidbits, including Taylor’s real name (Shana Hughes) and background, but I covered most of it here. Still, here’s the link if anyone’s interested.
    http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-12-15/real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-secrets-about-camille-grammer-cast/full/

  29. 29
    georgecat
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 5:11 am

    That psychic is terrifying and so narcissistic (I love that about me!) This scene was even crazier that when Kelly from RHNY flipped out on the cruise. My favorite line is when Camille interprets the horrors of the dinner party springing from the fact that “She hates to say it but Kyle is jealous of her…” I am wondering if anyone saw Allison on Oprah? Doesn’t Oprah screen for psychosis in her guests?

  30. 30
    LAC
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 6:06 am

    Oh, Sarcas, thank you! for the link ! Alison certainly is the psychic of the bleeding obvious…what’s that you say, Ally, you sense that I think you are full of shit? Wow, you read my mind. Oh and my dearly departed grandma thinks that too…

  31. 31
    ohralphie
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 8:08 am

    I don’t get the Kim love. Had Kim just said that Kyle didn’t say the infamous insult none of the ensuing drama would have happened. Notice that she didn’t take the opportunity at the party to clear Kyles name? I have no doubt she was trying to clear her own name with Taylor and that Taylor deliberately notched up the argument in order to avoid admitting her gossiping guilt.
    But still — Kim dropped the ball and continues to drop the ball.
    Frankly how Kyle manages not to bitchslap Kim at every opportunity eludes me.

    Allison should not be allowed near any cylandrical object until she learns how to hold it/suck it without looking like a total douche.

    Camille of course is a hag — she looked sooo delighted when the shit hit the fan. I wonder if thats the same look she had when Kelsey told her to fuck off? For sure we all know how easy it was for her to release the statement about Karma after hearing of the next Mrs Grammers miscarriage.

  32. 32
    featherhead
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Oh, Kyle don’t you know by now you can’t reason with Crazy!

  33. 33
    atlgirl
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 9:39 am

    Camille’s playboy cover

    http://www.playboycoverarchive.com/spain/es-1990s/es-1997/es-playboy-cover-april-1997

  34. 34
    guilty pleasure
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Hilarious and awesome recap, Flipit!! I too am a Medium fan and was so disappointed to see that the real Allison is a total psycho! That comment about the women’s children getting kidnapped made me sick. I wonder if the show’s cancellation has anything to do with her appearance on RHBH. A show about a drunk, plastic cigarette smoking, psychotic fake psychic- I’m sure people all over the country are running to program their DVR. What the hell is Kim on? It looked like she was drinking cola but then she totally slurs and bumps into a plant. I like her but she has got to get it together! Camille is so delusional and psychotic too, I’m at a loss for words.

  35. 35
    Tamitha
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 2:36 pm

    Ohralphie-THAMK YOU!!! Kyle has been having to deal with kim their entire lives. Kim cannot even form a complete thought, and I want to kill her after just one hour, so Kyle is actually NICE to kim, considering. How do you refrain from hurting someone’s feelings when they get their feelings hurt by everything? And its hilarious how she CONTINUES to think the NY issue was over taylor saying camille is insecure at the airport! It is CLASSIC that she, again, went after Tay at the dinner. Both times she’s done that, it kills me, cuz the other women still have no clue what the hell she is doing and why. Btw- in the last episode, kim had blown off the guy Lisa set her up with, then picked up the random with the chicken. Well, she says/slurrs to the camera something like “I don’t need those bitches to find me a man…I can find my own..” Well, she must have forgotten the limo ride two weeks ago when she told all the other women to pick a guy to fix her up with cuz she never meets men.Kim cannot remember what happened 5 mins ago. LOVE. HER.

  36. 36
    emilyhartly
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    @what? weren’t you shocked? My husband did the same thing a few weeks ago. (thought Camille was hot) It was the hot tub scene at Kelsey’s house in hawaii. Mr. Hartly took a LONG time to see her irksomeness. He’s a smart, nice guy who totally loves me (as I’m sure yours is, too.) that’s why I wasn’t mad just SHOCKED. I truly don’t think she’s that Hot. I know her personality, or lack thereof makes her ugly to women but objectively she isn’t that hot IMO but looks excactly like what she was meant to be: a MILF from a lower-middle class town. Really she’s just perky and cute if she were nice and/or intelligent. She would make a fun little friend if she was just- just – a better everything…

    P.S. I consider implying someone is unintelligent a terrible thing. I have nothing more to say about that…

  37. 37
    WheresMyCoffee
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    I think the reason Kim didn’t speak up is that Kyle might have said something snarky during that conversation, and Kim didn’t want that coming out. I’m 100% positive that Kyle never said, “why would anyone want you there without Kelsey?” but I’m not so sure she didn’t make some kinda b*tchy remark. You know, the kind of thing she usually directs at Kim. Sarcasatire makes a really good point about the nanny sneaking out. Don’t forget, this is Paris Hiton’s aunt.

    OT: I hope admin approves my pic, because I think you folks will like it. =D

  38. 38
    Mamadoc
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    A few thoughts
    -Did anyone notice that everyone pissed themselves with laughter when Camille told them that the Medium would be able to tell them if their husbands were cheating? I figure either A) they are all narcissistic enough to believe no man would cheat on them, B) they all know their husbands cheat and don’t care, or C) they all know Frasier is cheating.
    -Kim can’t argue intelligently because she is socially retarded and heavily medicated.
    -Kyle seems like a genuine person, who does not understand that arguing with crazy is like pissing in the wind. It’s messy and you end up “pissed”
    -Lisa is a riot and I lourve her!
    -Allison made me very sad. I too Flipit was a Medium fan. I agree that Patricia Arquette deserves whatever honors can be bestowed for her ability to make this vile creature appear human
    -Adrienne would not intervene in the fight, because she is above this shit. This is of course in spite of the fact that she appears to dress and groom in the dark
    -Finally, Taylor. Taylor is a shit stirring bitch. @ohralphie you hit the nail on the head. She is attempting to deflect any culpibility in the Kyle/Camille fued and she knows she can shut poor inept Kimmy down very easily. And FYI- Taylor needed temporal filler because she suffers from temporal wasting. Temporal wasting is associated with extremely poor nutrition. This occurs in prisoners of war, cancer patients, and oh yeah anorexics. So “know that”.

    Peace

    Mamadoc

  39. 39
    indcolts1813
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    @What? and emilyhartley – my husband was the exact same way until the NY episode. It was like all of the sudden a switch flipped in his head, and he was said, “Oh yeah, she’s bat-shit crazy.” I had been saying it for weeks and it took him that long because he was blinded by her body/face (? I don’t get it, but whatever). So he still thinks she’s hot, but wouldn’t sleep with her (don’t worry, I know it sounds weird, but he says stuff like that all the time, but totally loves me and me only).

    Either way, I am glad to know that other womens’ husbands watch these shows with us. :)

  40. 40
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 10:01 pm

    @mamadoc Ad is beautiful but could dress herself better, I agree. Not only that, she isn’t a good friend to go shopping with either.In one episode, Ad and Kim were shopping so Kim could get a new dress that I assume was for her date with Martin- this was the shopping trip that was interrupted by the phone call about Ad’s Uncle’s passing.. Anyway, the awful dress that Kim wore to her blind date was the dress that Ad told her was perfect..beautiful..umm not really..

    Robin

  41. 41
    Matt Lam
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 10:44 pm

    Oh! Look who’s here.

  42. 42
    J-Mo J-Mo
    Posted December 18, 2010 at 11:56 pm

    Flipit! Remember we were talking the other day and I was telling you that Kelsey Grammer had left a bunch of dirty voicemails for some teen chick? I knew I wasn’t crazy! —> http://articles.sfgate.com/1995-02-24/news/17794143_1_grand-jury-television-star-kelsey-grammer-arizona-resort

  43. 43
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 12:38 am

    I have a theory as to why Kyle is so mean to Kim. They both started out as child stars, yet Kim’s career was much more successful. I think it may have caused jealousy and resentment because Kyle’s career didn’t really take off. I also suspect that after Kim’s fiance was murdered, Kim became emotionally fragile. This only got worse as each subsequent relationship failed, as well. Kyle, on the other hand, landed a successful man and consequently, the upper hand in terms of her rivalry with Kim. And I think she can’t help but gloat and put Kim down sometimes because those old issues are still there, lurking beneath the surface. She loves to point out what a failure Kim is and how she sucks at life in gerneral.

    Being as their mom didn’t die until 1998, it isn’t as if Kyle was ‘taking care of Kim’ for decades. Kim’s fiance was killed in 1991 and Kim was the one to identify the body. That would screw anyone up, I’d imagine. My guess is she became a fragile mess and no other man measured up to what she had lost. So it resulted in failed relationships, financial insecurity, and a person who thinks her happiest days are behind her, which may or may not have lead to alcohol or substance abuse.

    Again, I like Kyle, but I don’t respect people who try to kick someone when they’re down. Especially if that person’s your family.

  44. 44
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 12:42 am

    Don’t remember if this was on the Napa episode or not, but here is a clip where Kyle discusses her wild times as a teen and stealing her mom’s car, and such. But then she gets kind of serious and mentions being emancipated at a young age. I wonder what led to that. You don’t emancipate yourself from your parents unless there is some fucked up shit going on, don’t you think? Now I’m really curious..

    http://www.wetpaint.com/real-housewives-of-beverly-hills/video/bonus-clip-of-kyle-richards-and-mauricios-romantic-napa-lunch-in-the-real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-season-1-episode-8-charity-cases

  45. 45
    Pixielated
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 12:54 am

    JMo: And people think Brett Favre is bad! Eek.

    If Kelsey did something like that today, it would end his career in a big hurry.

  46. 46
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 2:22 am

    @what?, emilyharty, indcolts: Kelsey was just like your husbands in terms of his desire for Camille. Only it took him 13 years to realize his mistake. Not mention there wasn’t a prenup. Talk about letting the penis do the picking.

  47. 47
    Angela Parisi LaRoe
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 6:19 am

    @sarcasatire: I think the penis had a malfunction if it picked Camille. Maybe he didn’t get any in a while.

    Great recap as always Flipit!

  48. 48
    ohralphie
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 8:06 am

    @sarcas -
    I have a different take on the Kyle/Kim dynamic. I think that Kim has been a vortex of need since childhood. Unfortunately I know people like that and it is emotionally and financially exhausting. Add to that Kyle is a very proactive person (getting emancipated and apparently managing her life quite well) dealing with a perpetual victim must be frustrating as hell.

    And lets not forget Kim still will not publically defend her sister — if Kyle didnot say that remark about Kelsey, then why won’t Kim just say it allready and end the whole conflict? Perhaps because she likes seeing Kyle squirm? Talk about being a passive/aggressive bitch! Then she has the nerve to cry later.

    I think that Paris and Kim share a lot more then their looks – Kim is Paris Hilton twenty years from now.

  49. 49
    Thatswhatshesaid
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    I am only on page 4 and I am seriously hyperventilating from laughing so hard!!! So many goodies, but the unflattering picture of Shlemiel almost undid me. The answering machine prank was brilliant. I love Lisa.

  50. 50
    Bionic Television
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 2:21 pm

    “Al, still ranting and raving, says that if any of those ladies’ kids went missing, they’d suddenly be calling for her help. They’d call to ask where you buried them, you psycho.”

    OMG FLIPIT YOU ARE A F**KING GENUIS

  51. 51
    susanl
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 5:19 pm

    Is it just me or did Allison look like Michalealaea Salami’s BFF from the winery? I thought it was the same person with the same snarky personality.Twins separated by a continent…
    For someone who doesn’t drink at all, little Cammie sure does drink alot.
    Kim’s an idiot. I loved that they sent her alone.

  52. 52
    Flipit
    Posted December 19, 2010 at 8:00 pm

    these comments are really really great. i would comment on the comments, but i got eleven pages to blab my ass off already. i just wanted to say thanks for reading and thanks for lending your brains. xo
    ps – i love that husbands across the world are finally getting turned off by shlemiel. hilarious.

  53. 53
    jennjenn25
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 11:20 am

    What is that cig thing? I have never seen one. Is it some kind of quit smoking device? Where does the smoke come from and why would all these people accept someone smoking at the dinner table.

  54. 54
    Matt Lam
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 6:41 pm

    @JenJen: It’s a real cigarette. Like, you get a nicotine fix from it. But the “smoke” is just vapor. It’s odorless and not toxic.

  55. 55
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 20, 2010 at 7:53 pm

    Here’s my theory for how the Camille/Kyle conversation went down. Now, this is pure speculation, but I’m hardly ever wrong. You may call me Medium, but I prefer Extra-Small.

    “Hey Camille!”
    “Ah…Kyle?”
    “Yes, Kyle. Kim’s my sister.” ::nudges Kim:: “Say hello, loser who can’t keep a man.”
    :Stammering: “Uh..Hey, hi, um..yea..:gulp:”
    “Anyway, Camille. Never mind my sister. She’s socially inept and needs me to take care of her. Which I’m going to have to do all Easter weekend when we go down to Palm Springs. What are you doing for Spring Break?”
    “Why, I’m going to Hawaii. I usually do. You know I own most of it.”
    “Really? Wow, Hawaii! How long are you going to be there?”
    “Oh…just a few days. I really need to relax. It’s like my life has gotten 30% more hectic without Kelsey around.”
    “Oh! Kelsey isn’t going?”
    “No..he isn’t.”
    “Why would you go there without your husband?!”

    Awkward silence…

    In her defense, Kyle was more surprised by Camille traveling with children in tow, without having an extra pair of hands, like a husband. This is how Kyle usually does things. However, at the time, she didn’t know Camille well enough to know Camille travels with 4(!) extra pairs of hands. No, not Paul the Psychic Octupus. Just four bug-eyed nannies with intense stares that make it seem as if they are reading minds and therefore, make great babysitters for naughty children.

    I’m not leaving my child with a babysitter until I find one that looks like Wendy Williams.

  56. 56
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 1:21 am

    Kyle has now gone on the record to say that so many fans are reaching out, asking for tips to get their mane as luxurious and long as hers. So she is considering starting her own hair care line. Um..why not just suggest the same products you already use? Sure there’s no profit in it, but at least it’s honest. Who wants someone who uses Pantene and placenta conditioner to all of a sudden start hawking something else? Plus, we all know Kyle doesn’t really want anyone to have her hair. That would take all of the attention away from her. If she does come out with hair products, don’t buy it. It could contain copious amounts of Neet.

  57. 57
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 5:29 am

    Where do you buy electric cigarettes? Are they cheaper than regular cigarettes? Where do the ashes go? Who just lights up in someone’s house at dinner?

    I find it all quite strange.

  58. 58
    kdognatl
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 7:40 am

    @ Classy, I can help you there. My mom and I were in the Lenox mall on Black Friday. As I am standing outside the Body Shop waiting on her, gossiping on the phone with my sister, I look over and see this girl puffing on one of those. She is standing at a kiosk with a 4 foot long cigarette hanging from it, and a video looping of people out in pubic smoking the things. So I am talking smack to my sis, my mom comes out and I point at the kiosk mocking and she proceeds to go over to the kiosk and chat with them. I could not stop laughing, but she was actually considering getting it for my dad because she wants him to stop smoking cigars. Whatever they said, she found useless and she said it was expensive. So anyway after that long story, Classy, you can check it out downstairs in front of Macy’s ;) After seeing that at the mall, when the “medium” pulled it out, I about died! I called my mom and sister immediately.

  59. 59
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 7:59 am

    Aw Damn! I know I walked right by there on Saturday. Thanks Kdog, I’ll have to stop by there after Christmas.

  60. 60
    Flipit
    Posted December 21, 2010 at 8:35 am

    yeah those are vapor cigs. i was gonna get one because i have been smoking for years and need to cut that shit out. but man, they’re just too douchey. i would rather stink and die early than walk around with one of those lame ass things. especially now that that medium crock of poo smoked one on tv. i’m still pissed about my hero turning out to be an evil psycho. waaaahhhh

  61. 61
    Classy Drunk classy drunk
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 4:56 am

    I went to see the Tourist last night and in the movie Johnny Depp is smoking an electric cigarette. He gave a pretty good tutorial about it also. It’s funny how you’ve never seen something before and then all of a sudden you see it EVERY WHERE.

  62. 62
    sarcasatire sarcasatire
    Posted December 22, 2010 at 8:57 am

    The Tipping Point.

  63. 63
    marijai
    Posted December 28, 2010 at 11:52 am

    “the cat calling the pussy a cunt”…..I’m totally stealing that Flipit! :-)

  64. 64
    judygirl
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    To Allison DuBois…Just remember, you officious queen bee, that “Medium” has the dubious distinction of having been cancelled TWICE, by two different networks. Some accomplishment. Didja predict that as well as you predicted Kelsey’s cheating on Camille, ya fake?!

  65. 65
    Robin Robinez
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    @judygirl Yeah, it has been cancelled by two networks, but it was also picked up by two networks. Depends on how you look at it , I guess. flipit probably looks at it with a tissue in his hand.

    Loved the rest of your post. Just an added, when that pretend person said that she would not help if a child was missing, I knew, right then that even if her (Medium) wasnt cancelled, it would be very soon, and I don’t need to be a psychic. Who would ever refuse to help to find a lost child? What kind of person would do that? Or say that?

    TC,Robin

  66. 66
    Pixielated
    Posted December 30, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    Are these the same eCigarettes (or whatev) that they have made illegal in a few states already? The problem is that they are toxic. Nicotine is one of the most toxic substances around. I think the company got in trouble because they didn’t clear the product with the FDA first.

  67. 67
    Alison Z
    Posted January 6, 2011 at 10:50 pm

    Great recap Flipit! So I actually watched this episode…is it just me or do all these bitches bitch about the same thing on each franchise? “I can’t believe you said that about me! Why would you say that about me?” -insert name here, and from which franchise- Ofcourse now that I have actually watched an epi of BH I will probably watch the rest….Oh I also watched a marathon of Atlanta on Sunday…yeah pretty much caught up on all the craptastic Housewives…Looking forward to next month and NY starting agin….

  68. 68
    kenzie
    Posted February 18, 2011 at 4:53 pm

    the reason why no one has respect for Kim is because Kyle is the more popular sister and treats kim like shit. but i’m happy she was wise enough to leave the show, because she didn’t fit in with the cast.

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