RHOBH: Charity Faces

Previously, Camille called Kyle a crazed homeless person, Kim dressed like a hooker and picked up an old Fartin who loves hookers, and we found out why Cedric the Leech is single.

Why would anyone want that tiny penis here without Kelsey?

 

We open this week with Kyle training for a 69 mile charity bike ride for cancer. Now next time you 69 you’re gonna be thinking about cancer. I guess that’s the point. Sex sells! Even cancer. Her trainer tells her that she’s gonna have to get an extreme waxing on her hooha or she’s gonna be in serious pain while cycling. The only thing that bores me more than charity is exercise, so I’m glad this segment was leading somewhere! Let’s watch Kyle get waxed!

She’s having the pros come to her, cuz putting your ankles behind your head and screaming for an hour is much more comfie with the family gathered around. The waxer arrives wearing a t-shirt that says “Home of the Original Full Monty”, so you know they’re classy and very professional. Kyle asks for the Dorothy Hamill cut. LOL.

Your man seems pretty committed, but I wouldn’t suggest going to bed with a jay shaped like an angry mushroom from Super Mario Bros. Italians hate those angry mushrooms.

She definitely doesn’t want the Telly Savalas. HAHAHAH. She’s been told that going completely hairless causes less friction on the bike seat. What she hasn’t been told is that it also causes a couple of weeks of itching your jay and trying to figure out if you’ve got ingrown hairs or herpes. Grooming? Good. Extreme Grooming? Bad. After awhile, the extremes all end up with the same cut anyway, no matter how much they paid for it.

Do you want this between your legs? Then for Godsake. Just trim and be done with it.

I was kidding when I said being in the birthing position and screaming was more fun with family around, but, well, it’s the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills so there you are.

Hey! I remember that tunnel!

There’s a lot of ripping and screaming and giggling. It’s kinda cute. But if my mother ever whipped it out in front of me I would poke my eyes out. I saw it once coming out of the shower in the early eighties and still have nightmares about it.

Taylor’s been out of sorts lately, so Adrienne invites her over to learn how to beat up a man. This shit should be taught in schools. Taylor’s just started complaining openly about her husband, but she seems pretty much ready to move on. She’s looking like she wants to swallow the trainer like a cone of cotton candy.

She gets really into it and decides that she should bring these skills to the domestic violence center she volunteers at. Uhoh. This is gonna be about Taylor getting beat, isn’t it? I’m already sad. Because I genuinely like Taylor, and because it probably means I won’t get to make fun of her busted ass face today. Let’s just get all that out of the way now, before I have to feel guilty.

I can’t wait to see you as a judge on American Idol!

There’s a domestic violence poker tournament coming up, which sounds dangerously fun. You guys, I don’t mean to sound like a dick, but when is Camille getting dumped? Cuz I’m restless over here.

Lisa and Leech are practicing driving because they have to get their American drivers licenses. Lisa unbuttons her shirt so her boobs can help her pass. Leech does the same.

Lisa doesn’t care so much about her own license, she just thinks that if she gets Leech driving, he’ll mature and move out. Riiiight. Actually, it will just mean that you have to buy him a car. Then he’ll wreck that one, cuz everyone wrecks their first one. Then you’ll buy him another one and he’ll get a job as a busboy at Applebee’s to supposedly pay you back, but instead he’ll spend is ten dollars a day on boxes of Little Debbie brownies and get so depressed from hard labor that he’ll gain a couple hundred pounds, have a nervous breakdown, and move into your basement for a couple of years while he tries to find himself. OK that’s my driving story, but still. It could happen to anyone. Right? RIGHT?!

Ken wants Leech out of the house cuz he’s always complaining about the accidental silent but deadlies Ken lets out during Jeopardy and a man should be able to stink up his own house without a little queen with his eyes stuck open complaining about it. Lisa is sad that she won’t have anyone to play with. Just buy another gay. We’re all over the place in this town. I won’t complain to Ken. I’ll just bring some Glade plugins and some Benadryl. Both are must haves with either babies or old people in your life.

Kim and Kyle get together for lunch. Kyle is stressed because all of her help decided to flake on her at the same time and she’s supposed to go to Napa for that cancer 69 thing. One of the maids even cleared out her room. Kim: That’s a bad sign. HAHAHAHAH. She probably walked in on your jay getting ripped to shreds in the living room and decided there had to be easier gigs.

The Napa weekend is supposed to be a romantic getaway with Mauricio. A 69 mile bike ride isn’t romantic. Butt sweat. For their Golden Anniversary they’re gonna invite their friends over for a little wine and P90x. Don’t. Get. Healthy people. Kim says that she would just take the kids with her, and Kyle laughs and says “yeah and look where that’s gotten you.” Slam! Kim is offended, of course, but she keeps it in. For now. Please let these two go at it. It’s been too long. If Kyle was constantly slamming Camille like this, I would understand the hooker’s anger. I would also watch this show over and over again on a loop giggling and twiddling my thumbs like a deranged cartoon villain. Those two fought way before their relationship had the chance to blossom into beautiful dysfunction. Booooooo.

Lisa calls. It’s been over a week since the not blind enough date with Fartin, and Kim never even called him to thank him for taking her drunk ass home. Lisa nags Kim about not nailing Fartin while he was too drunk to call the police, and when they hang up, Kyle starts nagging her about it too. Kim says that she likes Fart, and Kyle says that she’s alone because she refuses to chase old men when they can’t run. Kim is getting her feelings hurt, but Kyle’s only response to that is “Jimmy crack corn, Kim.” HAHAHAH. I’m so using that. My Meemaw’s favorites have made it all the way to Beverly Hills!

Kim thinks the man should call the woman, and Kyle says that that’s not the way of the modern world and she should act as desperate as possible or she’ll die alone. Damn. No wonder the maids left. Speaking about obvious reasons people run away…

YAAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!

Shlemiel has a dinner party! Not with anyone from the cast, though, cuz they all hate her ass. This must be expensive, cuz there are a lot of friends here and we all know they don’t come free for this mess of a human being. Cam wastes no time asking how everyone’s doing. Just kidding! She throws a bag of salad together, straps them to their seats, puts quarters in their meters and starts yapping about herself. She’s still talking about the fight with Kyle. The friends, of course, can’t go anywhere, so they all laugh and agree that Kyle’s a bitch. The problem is, Camille can’t really get any airtime without the rest of the cast cuz otherwise the camera guys have to focus on her life and they’ve already got the shots of her almost tipping over in the dance studio and her kids sitting alone with their nanny brigade while she floated her saline sacks in Hawaii. What else is there? She’s gotta get back on the show and all she’s done is lap fuck other people’s husbands and fight with Kyle, so she’ll just do more of that.

Her big plan to get airtime?…She’s gonna build a bridge. Oh lord. How much is that gonna cost Frasier? He’s rich, but bridges are reeeeally expensive. Cam has NEVER been treated as poorly as Kyle treated her. HAHAHAHA yeah right. You’re a fucking stripper. She must mean that no one’s treated her like that since she married Frasier. Well get used to it, biatch. You’re back to being a Donatello now. The nickels are about to start flying at your forehead again so buy a helmet or get off the fucking road. The gardener, Farchard, has an idea to help battle evil Kyle.

I will try to make her say my name really fast ten times in a row until her brain explodes.

Tennis ho is there, and he suggests having a dinner party. Hair Dresser Friend laughs and says it might not be wise to give Kyle a knife and a fork around Shlemiel. She’s right about that one. And no jury in the world would convict her. Hair Dresser Friend says that Cam shouldn’t let such an evil woman back into her life. Don’t worry, Hair. No one’s gonna try to steal your job. Hang on to that gravy train as long as it lasts. Tennis Ho suggests they deal with it like men and just punch each other and get over it. But that would be too easy. It has to be haaaaaaard! Cam is gonna have a dinner party at Frash’s place to extend an olive branch or Bobblehead Andy Cohen’s dumping her bony ass and going after Nile’s wife. She makes some comment about how she’s hot cuz she’s sitting next to Tennis Ho and we’re out. Phew. I was worried she wouldn’t publicly humiliate Fasier at least once in that scene.

Kyle and Mauricio are planning their trip to Napa. He wants to stay three nights, she wants to stay two so she can get back to get the kids ready for school. Love you guys, but I don’t care. Kyle wins. The end!

Kim’s having a family barbecue, and she tells us that last night when she was buying food at the store, she had to fight some guys off cuz they were about to take all the chicken. One of them was turned on by the way she twitched and jangled her car keys in his face like a weapon, so he introduced himself as Single Gary and got her number. Yes, he could have thought she was Sandra Bullock or Jodie Foster, but a date’s a date and an icon’s an ICOOOOON!

He calls while she’s grilling, and she teases him on the phone while telling us that she meets dudes in the grocery store all the time and she doesn’t need Lisa’s bossy ass getting her old farty men. She can find her own, thank you very much. Then she does this dance and sings “I got the chickeeeen! I got the chickeeeen!” Bwahahahah. I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I love it.

Best part is the snort at the end. I love this woman.

Her daughter gets on the line and tells Single Gary that Kim has like twenty children. HA. He doesn’t hang up on her, which means he’s either A. ready to get married or B. a child porn producer who just hit the jackpot. I’m hoping for A. Kim deserves someone nice normal rich breathing.

Alright, I’ve got kind of a problem here. I only hate one person on this show. That seems kinda unfair. I can just type LOL and go out and have a life now. KIDDING! That will never happen. Moving on. Kyle and Mauricio show up in Napa for their romantic getaway. Kyle refuses to eat rabbit even though he wants it. He sighs and obliges. She knows he caves cuz it will make his life easier, and she gives that a big thumbs up. He’s not an idiot. He just wants a nice easy time with his love. And she wants…another fucking baby.

Did someone tell you you were a bad actress or something?

Four’s enough, woman! He explains that babies cost money and they’re at their limit. She just destroyed the Frasier portion of their economy, too, so that’s not gonna help. She says that even if he doesn’t want one she can have one anyway, but she promises that after this one she’ll stop. He assures her that he will cut off his wiener if he has to to make her stick to that, and then tells us that he negotiates for a living. Well, she just got everything she wanted so well done, business man. No wonder Frasier has ten homes. He probably paid like five bucks for each of them.

Single Gary shows up at Kim’s place and he looks like Philip Seymour Hoffman playing Truman Capote.

That’s his grandkid with him. Kim introduces him to the army of kids at her place and then pretends to be the mom of the little baby. She even tries to breastfeed it in the corner. HA. It’s edited to look like Gary is mortified at that and leaves immediately, but when everyone dishes about him after it seems like he was there the whole night. The kids try to decide whether or not they like him and Kim announces “I LOVE HIM!” HA. I kinda wanna marry Kim right now.

Lisa is horrified by the dregs at the DMV and says it’s nice living a sheltered life that doesn’t require dealing with this losers. AGREED. I can’t even believe she would have to go there. If you can have everything God gave you ripped off your hooha in your living room, you should be able to take a driving test there too.

I’m sorry. You’re all too homely to be on the road. DENIED.

Lisa is trying to concentrate on anything other than giant facial warts and the smell of White Rain conditioner when some creepy Rod Stewart wannabe tries to flirt with her. He says that he saw her last night and tries to strike up conversation, but she won’t have it. He asks “how many fingers am I holding up?” and she snaps

“Not as many as I’ll be holding up in a minute.”

Time for the test!

Baths not necessary.

Lisa passes, but Leech fails. HAHAH. Stupid. Lisa suspects he failed on purpose so he doesn’t have to move. Well at least you don’t have to spring for a car. Now go home and make him dance around in a thong. You crazy kids.

Taylor gets to the crisis center and has a bad plastic surgery-off with the coordinator there.

I win!

No I win. You just look surprised.

Are you laughing at me right now?

No. Are you laughing at me?

No this is my concerned face. Wait….

…now I’m laughing.

The coordinator wants Taylor to walk the red carpet cuz she’s been with the foundation for so long on TV now. And could you give a stirring speech? KTHNX. Taylor was just here to get the free bandages and Neosporin, but she agrees. When she was a kid, her mom and dad divorced and she and her mom went through some pretty bad times. Her first childhood memory was watching her mom get beat, and to see kids going through that is really painful so she helps out to let them know it’s not their faults. AW! I take back everything I ever said about you, Marlena Evans.

Time for Kyle’s bike ride! They put a guy’s package at the front of the pack like a carrot on a stick to keep everyone pedaling. I’d chase it. I need one of those in my neighborhood. I might actually be able to fit into a plane seat.

Kyle is freaking out at first because of all the people around her, but she bucks up. Camille is exercising too! With her loving employees, of course. They’re going running on the beach. Hair Friend says she hasn’t done it on the beach in awhile, and then they all laugh because they all know that homely skank hasn’t done it in way longer than that. Cam jokes “when you’re married you won’t have to do it anywhere.” Maybe that’s why Frasier doesn’t want her living in NY with him after all. As a matter of fact, he’s decided that he’s staying in NY full time. Cam says that’s a problem cuz the winters are haaaaard, and when she goes to the Tonys she’s gonna have to have a heart to heart with him. If he let’s her into his dressing room. She’ll leave a sticky or something but she’ll have her say, dammit!

She’s offended that he told her he feels more appreciated in NY. Well, in his defense, he feels most appreciated on a Virgin flight, but you can’t live on a plane. She’s acting like she has a say about anything that goes on in this relationship, and her delusion is adorable. In that way scavenging possums are adorable before you trap them in your trashcan and call the ASPCA.

Forty four miles into the bike ride, Kyle almost quits because she doesn’t think she can make it up a hill. But then she hears Telly Savalas whisper “We’re all born bald, baby” under her shorts and it inspires her to get to the end. Yay I guess. Cancer wins. Now go to Camille’s and cut the bitch. They’re exhausted after the ride, so exhausted that Kyle doesn’t make Mauricio get on a plane. Meaning it will be three nights instead of two. He’s finally found a way to win a fight with Kyle. Exhaust her. If you don’t want another baby, you better enroll her ass in Zumba or some shit.

Russell and Taylor are driving to the poker fundraiser. They have nothing to say to each other. To make conversation, Russell says it’s a bad weekend for her to throw this event cuz all of his friends are out of town. HAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAH. She looks like she wants him dead. Russell can even ruin the mood at an Abuse Event, and it’s already pretty low. Well done, tiger! I know we make fun of plastic surgery a lot, but you know what? Sometimes it’s important. Like for burn victims. Or trannies. Or

Annie Duke is there! From The Apprentice! If Joan Rivers comes in and calls her the c word, this episode will totally redeem itself. Fingers crossed! Just when you thought this couldn’t get any sadder…

Depressing much? This is like the waiting room from Beetlejuice. You remember Beetlejuice? With Michael Keaton as Beetlejuice?

AGH! I SAID IT THREE TIMES! DAMMMMIIIITTTT!!!

 

Taylor jokes that when you do a lot of events in LA you meet a bunch of “….celebrities?” HA. Welcome to the club, now you’re one of them. Adrienne and Paul show up, but Taylor says it was too serious event to invite the other girls. I don’t think Ad and Paul knew how serious this was gonna be cuz they look insane.

Hey I’m Adrienne and I’m a cowgirl that will kick your ass. Why are you crying? I was just kidding! Come back!

Ad says that she doesn’t know how to play poker cuz she’s not allowed to gamble in her own casino. What the hell’s the point, then? I wonder if McDonald’s owners have the same rules. If so, I’m gonna have to change my dreams.

Taylor’s super nervous about giving her speech, but she sucks it up and gets to the podium. People keep talking and shuffling their chips around. She starts crying about the abuse she suffered as a child, and it’s awkward cuz people keep playing. It’s like having an AA meeting in a food court. Adrienne had never heard about Tay’s struggles, and from the look of it, Russell hadn’t either.

Um…check please.

I get a little teary watching Taylor cry. She says that she wanted to give this speech because she wants the people to know that they are no different than her. They’re just poorer and have way saggier faces that move and stuff. With a little work and belief in yourself, you can find a rich guy to buy you a house in the hills too! AWWWW!!! That was sweet. And bizarre. Next week it looks like we’ll have some catfighting. Thank God. And this time Camille brings the pack of friends she found on monster.com! See you then! xo