Previously on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, we learned that “offended” is the new slam, Lisa got the bitch edit, and all the girls reunited to talk about their favorite show.
We get to see the full opening this week. YAY!
There are rules in Beverly Hills, and Taylor manipulates them.
I’m not the richest girl in Beverly Hills, but stealing my sister’s house helped a bit.
People keep trying to figure me out, but I’m an ICON! Plus, I’m always on lots of shit so good luck with that.
I’ve finally found my voice! And it’s really whiny and manipulative and stuff. Now if I can just find my original jawline so I can look enough like my driver’s license photo to get on a damn plane.
Having a face like a balloon left out in the sun all day is easy if you can afford it. Which I can. Homeless people are lazy.
I’m an asshole.
We start with Kyle, who’s getting Kim’s guest room ready at the new house just in case she loses it again and the ghost of their mom makes Kyle take care of her.
The tree will give you some nice shade. If you have to number two, dig a hole.
Kyle and Mauricio go through boxes of crap and try not to act ashamed that their home is only 7,000 square feet. Embarrassing! To offset her poorness and wonky mouth surgery, Kyle has invited over her poorer rubberier friend Faye! You remember her! The chick who posed in Playboy after OJ killed her bff to make a quick buck and then showed up to tell off Medium at the dinner party from hell? I basically just quoted her entire Wikipedia page.
Faye is annoyed because she wants Mauricio’s pool table in the garage instead of the living room so she can buy furniture for that room, and Mauricio is annoyed because he wants Faye’s nostrils on her nose instead of her cheekbones cuz it’s uncomfortable to argue with someone when you’re looking at the bats in their cave. Kyle drops it and goes to look through more of her crap. Look! It’s the velvet painting of Demi Moore in the 80′s that Kyle used to throw poo at!
That could have been me! Where’s my Emilio Esteves? Where’s my Oscar nomination? Where’s MY STRIPTEASE? Wait. Never mind. I’m getting knocked up til I feel better.
Kyle knows she’s lucky to have a hot guy who doesn’t bang half the town and knock up stewardesses. Aw! She’s humble! Like her tiny poor person house.
Lisa is in her closet, which is giant and filled with pink stuff. She calls her maid/fuck buddy in to help and tells her that she’s going on a trip to Colorado because Camille is celebrating selling her house there. Of course Beaver Creek is where Camille owns a house. The only name more fitting would be Slag Creek. Or Asshole Creek. Or Violent Shit Creek.
I got joor Beaver Creek right here, mees.
She’s leaving Ken and Giggy alone with the maid all week, and maid is thrilled for the silent fart marathon she’s about to be party to. Did Lisa just open mouth kiss Giggy? Cuz that’s nasty. Lisa isn’t too excited to leave. Camille’s a horror show and she still hates Taylor. But it won’t be all bad. We get to see her try to ski! I hope Taylor manipulates her skis.
Adrienne is packing three bags for a two day trip, but to be fair, one is for shoes and one is a giant tool box with her rubber glue and sanding table. A girl has to keep up appearances. Right now I don’t care about Colorado. I could watch Ad try to roll her eyes for days.
Paul comes in to make her life miserable and they banter non humorously for awhile. She wants to give him a list of instructions, he wants to give her enough drugs to make her rip up the prenup so he can off her ass. LOVE! The best part of this scene is watching the little dog attack the big dog.
Taylor comes over to hitch a ride in Ad’s limo. Lisa won’t drive with them because Ad is always late and she doesn’t wanna get stuck waiting on the stoop with Taylor and her larva lips. Ad and Taylor seem a little horrified about this forced trip, but Taylor says at least there will be a fireplace. Ad laughs “That could be dangerous!” No shit. Your asses will all start melting off. It will be like in True Blood when we saw what the fairies really look like under the surgery.
Their suitcases won’t all fit in the trunk, so the driver has to put the table saw in the back seat. Ad doesn’t want to explain what she uses it for, so she changes the subject to the state of Taylor’s marriage. Taylor says therapy is hard, and then Ad blahs on about how much marriage blows ass. Taylor’s like “yay I’m finding my voice!”
How my marriage counseling affects your life: GO!
Taylor says she is learning to speak about little things. Like, if she doesn’t want Italian one night, she’ll say so, cuz all she’s ever done is whatever Russell wants. Anyone who saw the “get that kid a dog for her birthday and I’ll cut your balls off and shove them into your lower intestine” argument knows that’s a little untrue. Did he really wanna blow almost seventy grand for a birthday party the kid didn’t even want? He must have. Taylor probably would have been happy at Chuck E Cheese with some family and sparklers and no cameras.
Kim, Kyle and Lisa show up. Kim is jumping all over the place and babbling on about how hyper she is and how fun this is gonna be and yay snooooow! She knows they’re not talking about the kind that goes up your nose, right? Poor thing thinks she’s on her way to a town where you can snort everything you see. Lisa is insta-annoyed with the sisters, who are fucking around with their one suitcase each. Traveling with poor people is rough. Kim makes the mistake of making fun of Lisa’s accent, and Lisa looks happy for the camaraderie.
Kyle hopes that Kim behaves so they don’t have to fight, and then she gives her shit about trimming her eyebrows once in awhile. Kim just wants to be crazy, is that so wrong? Yes. Yes it is. Please wipe winter off your nose. On the plane, Kyle says prayers because she’s scared of flying. I don’t know how “rub a dub dub dub, thanks for the grub, YAY GOD” is gonna help with flying, but she can’t go to seminary school for one flight. Speak what you know, girl! I’m sure God’s listening. Meanwhile, Kim is hitting on a dude. LOL. Lisa tells her to stop having fun. What happened to Lisa?
Kim won’t stop, though, God bless her tweaking little heart. She starts flirting with another guy and punching his fat butt while shouting “buns of steel!” HAHAHAHAH!
Lisa, still annoyed, says she feels like a school teacher on a kindergarten trip. What the hell kind of kindergartens do they have in England that fisting chunky dudes is an acceptable pass the time game?
They get in the limo to go to Camille’s place, and they’re told there will be a four hour detour because of road work. Lisa tells us that she isn’t gonna be able to handle four hours in the car with these bitches, and you gotta hand it to her, she has no trouble saying anything to anyone’s face. In the car, she moans “Oooooh Gaaaawd. Fouah houahs next to Ahmstrong?” LOLOLOLLLL!!! I can already tell people are gonna be hating on Lisa this year, but girl, I will be by your side always for comments like that.
Camille is at her house with her friendployee Carrie. Snapple: Dissing DiDi flavor. Poor thing even has better hair than DiDi!
Camille doesn’t have Frasier to talk about any more, but she’s still got one of his houses to brag about, so let’s do this. She shows Not DiDi the whole place one last time before she burns it to the ground. And how does she feel about this one last vacay? It’s haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaard!
Back to the limo. Taylor puts it best. “Kim’s really opening up. She’s talking. She’s telling stories. She’s talking. A lot of talking.” LOL. And talking she is, about nothing. No one can tell what the hell she’s going on about. One time she was on a set at Disney for Little House on the Prairie and there was a train there and then she put her feet in and it was wonderful and then she went to Paris and she knew people at the airport and then one time she flew around a lightbulb trying to get in but it wouldn’t let her and she was like stop taking my picture it’s so hard being an ICON. WTF? Best four hour drive ever.
No one can stand listening to her coke fueled nonsense any more, so Kyle decides to bring on some drama. Thank you. At least someone’s earning their paycheck this trip. She asks Lisa if Ken was really mad at her the other night. Silence. Lisa responds that it seemed like Kyle was the one who was mad and leans back like she’s already tired of this shit.
Kyle keeps looking over at Taylor with that “HIT HER! NOW’S YOUR CHANCE! I’LL HOLD HER DOWN!” look. Kyle says she doesn’t understand why the word offended offended Ken, and Lisa sighs that it’s just his opinion and he’s entitled to it. No one can really argue with that, so they go back to being quiet. But Kyle’s still staring at Taylor, so Tay plays with her hair to get up some confidence and says “No one really asked for his opinion.” Lisa, to her credit, stays calm and just rolls her eyes. “No one has to ask your opinion when you’re sitting around at a dinner party.” Taylor has no argument for that, so she just looks scary.
They basically want an apology from Lisa, and she says that not believing in therapy is a valid stance. Hello, you’re LA people. I know you’ve been to Scientology’s Psychiatry: An Industry of Death Museum on Sunset. Therapy isn’t for everyone, ok? Look how well not going to therapy’s worked out for Tom Cruise.
Lisa says if Taylor has a problem with Ken then she can talk to Ken. Just drop it. Love it. Taylor looks like she’s being force fed pasta.
But I wanted Chines…nomnomnomwahnomnom
The girls arrive at Camille’s, and she comes out squealing. UGH. Kyle says that she’s ecstatic to see Shlemiel, but only because she’s been trapped in the limo for four hours. LOL. Lisa tells us the house is gorgeous and she feels for Shlemiel cuz she’s gonna be down to like two or three houses. “Dire situation heah.” HAHAHAH! Camille didn’t assign them rooms, so they’ll have to slug it out. Which she will take great pleasure in. Two of them are gonna have to share, so Kyle jumps on the baby room the second she sees it so she doesn’t get stuck with her sister. I really love this show.
Lisa says there’s no way in hell she’s sharing a room with Taylor, so Kyle offers to share a room with Kim. Good luck with that! Taylor gets stuck in the baby room. Sad horns. Lisa takes the giant second master bedroom for herself, leaving Kim and Taylor to share a full size bed. Holy shit. Lisa is already my favorite, but she gets better by the minute. Kim makes fun of all the sparkly clothes Kyle packed and says it’s unfair that Kyle always makes fun of her for wearing sparkles. Taylor says that sparkles are different than glued on plastic rhinestones. Poor crazy Kim. She mutters “Don’t mess with me girlfriend!” and sniffles a lot.
The girls all gather in a super obnoxious suburban limo to go out. Kyle wants to go to a club to get Kim and Camille laid, and Kim says it will be like Camille will be taking a huge chip off her shoulder. Camille agrees, and adds that it’s a huge hairy chip covered in barnacles. LOLOLOLLL! They make fun of Frasier’s hairy back for awhile, and Kyle tells us that she likes Camille now. I kinda do too. And I’m super uncomfortable with that. CAMILLE’S AN ASSHOLE!!! Stop changing the script, Bravo!
Camille says she had to use a hedge trimmer on Frasier’s back. Dying. Kim is grossed out that she has to eat with the image of Camille shaving Frasier’s nuts in her head. America seconds that. They’re eating at the Westin Hotel. The waiter is sweating right off the bat, so Kim makes a bad Mussels joke to scare him more. Kyle says Camille should try to bone one of the guys at the bar, but she says she moves slow. LOL yeah right! Unless you’re married and there’s a tennis pro handy.
They all giggle about kissing, and Camille slams Frasier’s kissing. Which makes me like her more. Which makes me want to quit writing for TVgasm so I can go live in the middle of the forest with no TV and just be entertained by the sounds of the night. The talk moves to forgiveness, which gives Kyle a chance to say that she’s at a good place with Kim now after their fight and maybe it brought them closer. Kim’s like um you called me a drunk lying loser on TV so I’ll need some timekthnx. Nice try though.
The next morning, Kim has a terrible throat and a headache. Must be that bronchitiscoke. Taylor comes in to check on her, which is awkwardly sweet. Then Tay moves into the kitchen to find Lisa, the only other lady out of bed. Lisa is thrilled. She asks Taylor why she couldn’t sleep, and Taylor laughs it off and turns the question back on her, which Lisa hates. The other girls wake up and save them, but to look at them they could be married for years.
Happy anniversary, baby.
Please don’t leave me alone with her ever again.
Kyle and Kim banter a bit about how Kim wouldn’t stop talking and grinding her jaw all night like Alley Sheedy after the reviews for Maid to Order came out. Kyle says she’ll just get over it so they can get along again and Kim will get over it. A ski concierge comes over with equipment. WTF? Love that. Ad decides to go even though she has a bad knee and the skeleton of a ninety year old. Kim immediately starts hitting on the concierge. HAHAH. It’s gonna be super awkward when she asks for blow and he drops his pants. Watching her flirt is really cute. He tries to put on her boot for her and ends up going for a dive.
When in Beaver Creek…
Lisa is upset that no one complimented her Doctor Zhivago getup. Maid spent a long time sewing it together out of Ken’s nut hair, and these bitches seem to resent it. Oh honey. They don’t know what that is. If the rest of the cast can’t spell it, don’t wear it. We all resent things we don’t understand. Take for instance my hatred of the sky. Or busses. Or tears.
Camille says she looks like a poodle, and Taylor says if she falls down no one will find her. HAHA. When they arrive at the slopes, Lisa asks the ski guys if they’re “ready to take these creaky beavers up the mountain?” LOL! Adrienne is freaked out that they have to go up a mountain to to ski. But taking a golf cart to get to your own restroom is totally normal. Kyle, Camille and Taylor are going to ski together because they know what they’re doing. The losers get stuck together for the kids slope. Lisa says she’s just going with the losers so they don’t feel bad. And they don’t.
Taylor meets them at the bottom of the hill by spraying snow on Lisa. “Of course it would be you.” HAHAHAH. There is a butler waiting for them at the bottom of the slope with chocolate chip cookies and Camille takes two. Oh shit. Literally.
Somehow, this is gonna be Frasier’s fault.
The last scene is with Kyle and Taylor in the hot tub. Taylor cries about her marriage, but she won’t really say what the issue is. She wants to find her voice, whatever the fuck that means. How horrified was she when she saw Alex say that ten million times on RHONYC after they had already shot this? She cries and says “it’s hard” a lot. Kyle tries digging some dirt out of her, but all she will say is that she feels resentful and was alone until she got married and is afraid of dying alone. I know the feeling. That’s what maids are for. Kyle doesn’t know the issues, really, but she knows Russell well enough to know she doesn’t like him, so she advises Taylor to leave his ass and stop fighting for a marriage she doesn’t like. Taylor cries “I love him. I do.” And Kyle’s like “um that’s sweet. Dump him.”
And that’s it. So what the hell? Here’s why it feels kinda gross watching this. We all know what happened, but was Russell abusing her? I looked around and found some articles saying that he beat her so badly she had to get surgery after she told him she was leaving, which is why I have no problems making windchime jokes about him. But at this time, is that what she was talking about? How could she be at those abused women charity poker games with that going on? Either way, it’s really sad. I hope we get some answers, because of course someone’s husband’s suicide should be about my needs. Next week, Taylor finds Kim’s stash and tries to hide in a suitcase.
You can’t carry more than three ounces of liquid rubber in your suitcase, ma’am. We’re going to have to put you on the Watch List.