RHOBH Recap: Enter the Gimp Bitch

Previously on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Taylor looked like a Cabbage Patch doll that starved itself and leaned up against a stove, …

Adrienne tried to raise taxes in Sacramento and wore a really tacky bullet proof vest she bought in Little Armenia in case some poor person tried to shoot her at a basketball game, …

… and Kim snorted Colorado.

We pick up where we left off last week. Kim is still wasted, but now she’s in the car on the way to the airport. Bad day to be a pedestrian in Los Angeles. She’s talking Kimbabble on her way there about how she’s not wearing makeup and she’s never ever late and yay planes snow is pretty dolphins can have sex with humans did you know that oops just hit an old Asian woman get off the road idiot icon icon icon Julia Roberts stole my house. She talks so much that she melts Ad’s cell phone. Never one to waste good plastic, Ad sips it into her lips like a sweet afternoon snack.

Skipped breakfast.

Dramatic music is playing. Should we wait for Kim or not?!? Oooooh. The car pulls up with Asian old lady splatter all over it and as Kim approaches the plane, Paul points and exclaims “OMG LOOK AT HER FACE.” HAHAHAHAH!!! The hilarious part about that is that her face looks like it always does. She slumps up to the plane slurring about the power going out and having to knock on the neighbor’s door to use their bathroom. I believe every second of that, and I love her ass so much more every second. Paul wisecracks about how he hates leaving the house without makeup too, and then he moves to the back to silently mock Kim with the bodyguard. Kim’s a damn mess. Luckily, Ad is wearing therapeutic earrings.

Deaddream Catchers

Ad tries warning her about the riot they are about to enter, but Kim won’t let her get a word in edgewise. She’s talking about skiing and how Lisa looked like a really gay klansman on the slopes.

Her monologue moves onto how fucked up Taylor was on that ski trip. She says Kim barged into her room wearing a thong and a bra and humped her and told her she loved her. LOL. If Kim is wasted right now, I kinda hope she doesn’t get help. You know the only thing Betty Ford wanted before she passed? A goddamn martini. God bless her dry brittle heart.

Ad says that Kim’s blabbering is stressing her out, and she explains to her that they might get shot at a couple of times on this trip. Now you tell her? Kim doesn’t care, though. She loves shots. She gives Ad a couple of encouraging words and then pees on the floor.

Kyle is at home getting organized with her “ladysitter.” WTF? So he takes care of her or some shit? Or is that a bigoted gay term because most of us sit down to pee? I don’t know, but I’m half jealous and half angry.

She wants him to earthquake proof his house, but the only real solution to earthquakes is for Los Angeles to stop sinning so much, and what fun would that be? That’s hopeless, so she has him resend eVite emails for her charity cocktail party, where she’ll be raising money for a theater company that employs kids with cancer. I don’t wanna be mean, but I feel guilty enough watching Annie without all the orphans going through chemo. Can’t they just sell candy bars door to door or something? Fame hungry cancer kids!

She calls Lisa for a silent auction donation. Lisa offers a hobbit with hairy feet and ears who spends his days farting silently and refusing to go to therapy, but Kyle was thinking more along the lines of dinner for two. DONE! Lisa gets back to treadmilling, which she seems to do a lot. What’s the point of being rich if you still have to work out? If I’m ever rich I will spend my days eating and making my fat into shapes. Kinda like how I live poor, but instead of Little Caesars I’ll order Domino’s or something fancy.

The plane has landed, and Kim has slurred and stumbled her way out of it and onto the giant SUV limo bus thing. Hey, way to get the poor people to like you guys. You should have taken the bus. Ad tries explaining why Sacramento wants her dead, and her reasoning is that people hate change. Um, people hate taxes, you selfish bitch hole! WE’RE ALL BROKE. You have a trillion dollars. Build your own fucking stadium. Kim doesn’t get it either, and wants to know if she’s in danger. They all kinda laugh it off and Ad says that this drama is all because change are hard. Kim ponders that and says yeah, it is hard. She hates change. Who even uses pennies anymore? The guys on the back of change creepy and have big ears are scary. “Is that chocolate?” LOL! Paul looks like he wants to throw her out of the car.

They arrive to a big wall painting the fans did that says “Baby, Please Don’t Go.” AW! Wait a second. Isn’t that vandalism? Arrest them all!

You’re obstructing the view of that fine waste processing center.

Ad starts crying, and the marble she’s been using as an eye almost falls out.

She whips out the hot glue gun and saves it, and Paul rubs the only real thing left on her as a comfort.

Now let’s go check out the restaurant Lisa’s plugging at the moment, Sur. Fucking West Hollywood. Even Buddha had to lose weight to live here.

She is taking over the empty space next door to expand, after all, which means that Ken got some tea bag action. STUD!

Glad you’re feeling manly, but please put your man tits away. I’m trying to imagine eating.

They are meeting with their partners so that Lisa can make it clear that she’s going to be working way fewer hours than them and she doesn’t wanna hear them bitch about it later. LOL! Love it. They are willing to stay until three am every day even though they have little brats to care for, and I commend their shitty parenting/great managing skills. They are raising future bitter waiters that I can hang out with after work. We can complain about how all our problems are our parents fault and steal wine and stuff. The kids love “Princess Lisa”, and one of them gets snot all over her face at the end of the meeting. Lisa smiles fakely and wishes them luck for the rest of their lives as dishwashers.

Taylor goes to visit Kyle with a gossip story Russell printed out talking about how much their marriage sucks. Woops! She says that after she came back from the ski trip, Russell unpacked her and ironed her and they decided that it was probably a bad idea to be talking to the coven about her marriage. TOO LATE! The gossip was leaked by an “unnamed source”, but the quote is pretty familiar sounding. “Taylor’s a sweet girl, but people are getting a bit worried … and she’s barely eating.” VANDERPUMP!! She’s the only one who thinks it’s weird not to eat (British people just don’t get it) and she’s the only one who would say “a bit.” Kyle gets to the “barely eating” part and offers Taylor a sandwich. LOLOLOLOLLLL

Russ is furious and knows it has to be someone from the show, because their entire staff has signed confidentiality agreements. Oh for fuck’s sake woman get OVER yourself. Kidnapping African orphans and injecting their stem cells into yourself doesn’t make you Angelina Jolie. Kyle says she doesn’t have a staff and her maid hasn’t signed anything. If she betrays Kyle, Telemundo gets cut. Sounds fair. Kyle doesn’t want to believe it’s (Vanderpump) anyone they know, and suggests that maybe it’s a loose lipped (Vanderpump) nanny . Taylor knows it’s Lisa, and Kyle says that who(vander)ever(pump) it is, she’s got a great private eye or something that can get to the bottom of it. When videos of Paris blowing some dude were plastered all over the internet, they paid this guy to figure out who did it. Three guesses on the culprit. Hint: rhymes with Scaris. So the perp here is either Vanderpump of Jill Zarin. I would be fine with either.

There are protesters outside the stadium, and Ad needs a glass of champers to help with her nerves. She offers some to Kim, and Kim guffaws “Nope I’m good!” then cracks up. Knowing you’re a joke doesn’t make the joke less funny. If those singing bass would just laugh at themselves a little, I’d have one above the fireplace. As they enter, some poor bitch yells at Ad to go back to the rubber factory and calls her a traitor. They treat Kim way nicer though, and even have a wind machine ready for her like she’s J-Lo.

On the Floor

People shout random “YOU SUCK!”s at them as they walk to their box, but they don’t speak poor so they don’t cry or anything. The game starts, and Kim starts telling some random story about how she met a lady whose nipples were hanging out at Versace. Is that so weird? At Versace? Or Target? Or Wal-Mart? Women, put your nipples away. Jesus. Paul shouts at her to stfu and watch the game while Ad makes really disturbing sex faces at the fans so they’ll stop hurling the f word at her. Sex sells, but not this kind. This is like animatronic shit.

 

Everyone’s annoyed with Kim, but in the end, she cheers at the right time and she’s poor, so she kinda wins with this crowd. Ad doesn’t have enough drama here, so she decides that she wants to go down to the floor and be amongst the financially challenged. Oh Lord. I love that she wants more danger and she’s just dragging dumb drunk Kim along. She does indeed go down to the floor, and the worst abuse she gets is some old dude clanging a cow bell at her. I get that regularly and I don’t even live in a place where cowbells are a commonplace thing. But sure enough, every morning at the Starbux at Fairfax and Santa Monica: cowbells. Point is, it’s much ado about nothing. She watches, no one cares, yayness and yawnness. She says she doesn’t wanna hurt anyone’s feewings by movien, the team just needs to generate more revenue. Have you considered producing off season versions of Annie? Cuz the cancer kids are making a killing at that shit.

At the end of the day, Ad gets her picture taken a lot and gets to sign replicas of herself, pre melt.

She leaves happy, and so does Paul. Well, except for the whole Kim part.

She asked if my wife was made of chocolate. We could have been killed.

Remember last season when Camille had the hot tub tit-off with the fat dude with saggy man boobs? Well, she tells us that he knew the whole time Frasier was cheating on her. In other words, Carl is EVERY OTHER PERSON EVER BORN EVER.

But way grosser.

Camille is in some surf shop buying surf things for her kids, their four nannies, and the chip on her shoulder. She says that she’s happy to have her true friends. She can’t remember their names right now, but she’ll let us know when she has to sign some payroll checks. This bitch is boriiiing. I wish Frasier would come back so he could leave her ass again. What the hell else is she supposed to do on this show?

Kyle’s fundraiser. She’s getting ready and totally unprepared. Not only does she not force her maid to sign a confidentiality agreement, she’s failed to hire a real MC for her charity! Poor kids are gonna die of cancer because Kyle was lazy. Someone has donated a Brazillian blowout, and a random friend tells Kyle that those are illegal now. LOL! They should be! Don’t they treat your hair with chloroform or some shit? Just give it to one of the cancer kids. If anyone needs a blowout, it’s one of them.

Lisa is over at Villa Blanca pretending to take reservations. She says that she hasn’t quite recovered from the emotional loss of Leech the Orphan Houseboy, but she’s doing her best. Enter new Leech. This one’s nicer, cuter, more subservient. YAY! Problem: Justin Bieber Hair.

Honey, the twink bus passed years ago. Gain five pounds and go back to school. No one cares that you can put your ankles behind your head any more. If you don’t have a “my mother was a hooker and made me sleep on the streets next to her while she boned fat hairy French dudes for money” monologue, gtfo.

And now, to prove that Hollywood doesn’t only glorify thin rich stupid people, let’s look at a nice statue of old confused people trying to figure out why the newfangled crosswalk machines are telling them to walk in a robot voice.

What’d he saaaay?

Kyle’s getting ready for her big fundraiser and she’s worried that no one will come. I don’t care. You want people to come to your party? Make it for a disease no one’s over yet. Like Legionnaires Disease. What the fuck is that anyway? I only know Hef gave it to people in his skanky ass Playboy mansion hot tub. I’ll tell you what, though, at least I’ve got curiosity about that one. Cancer? Passé. Bring out a bunch of kids Hugh wants to marry but can’t cuz they’re all disfigured from a mystery disease. Semi retarded Playboy bunny wannabes. Now that’s a fundraiser.

The event starts, and of course old ass Lisa and Ken are there first. Older people are always scared of getting there after the trays of stuff they can complain loudly about are passed around. Sure enough, Lisa says that this is just some cheap ass event held behind a mall, but she likes semi poor Kyle so she came anyway. What a bitch friend! Faye Resnik is here, so there’s some kind of class up in here! That girl needs a paycheck stat. Hopefully Russell will come and she can be nice to him for five minutes and have something to write about when he turns himself into a hairy tree ornament.

Taylor arrives with some friends and she makes the mistake of wandering up to Lisa first. Lisa is all “You’ah so thiiiiin!! You need to eeeeat daaaahling!” The gossip rag’s secret “spy” mentioned Taylor’s not eating, so Tay is sure it’s Vanderpump now. Well good luck winning that battle. Lisa will wipe the floor with that skank like Kyle’s maid trying to win back “Tenia Que Ser Tu” on Tuesday nights. I think Kyle’s in cahoots with Lisa, because you don’t invite your anorexic friend to a fundraiser and then dress like the Hamburgler on accident.

Whoever donates the most gets some extra napkins from Sbarro at the food court! And we all know how stingy they are!

Mauri wants to give a speech too, so he talks about being a baby with some kind of weird cancer. Who cares? You were three. Now you’re hot and rich. Pass the wings, plz. They raised fifteen grand at this dumpy ass fundraiser, which is super sad. That’s enough for a few Annie wigs and some Sandy rentals. Poor cancer kids aren’t even gonna be able to hire a Miss Hannigan! Cancer kids lost tonight.

Lisa sees Taylor hanging with a group of her non famous friends, so she she makes her way over them and befriends them enough to talk shit about Taylor. Taylor saunters up, and Lisa starts going off on her about being anorexic. LOL. She says “You know we aren’t the best of friends, right?” Taylor just stares at her and smiles. Lisa continues that she might hate Taylor’s stupid skinny butt, but she still wants her to not be anorexic. She suggests daily lunches at SUR WEST HOLLYWOOD and stuff, but Taylor is offended that someone will tell you to their face that they hate you and want you to eat something. That’s just too much rude for one sentence. I’ve said it once I’ve said it a million times. I LOVE LISA.

Ad finally shows up, and she’s brought some tall scary but youngish scary looking chick to the fundraiser. She’s on crutches. It’s Brandi!! HOLLER!! Anyone who’s watched any kind of preview for this show knows that Brandi not only got dumped for LeAnne Rimes recently, but is also the villain of the season. Thanks for coming! Lisa needs some help with this shit. Camille’s been on the “Save My Alimony Tour of 2011″. Welcome!

She is on crutches because she charged a pair of really high shoes on her ex’s credit card and fell. You know he’s paying her hospital bills too. Most expensive pair of shoes evah. Lisa instantly recognizes Brandi because she was in some rag posing with Leech! Ruhroh. And yay. And might I add, it figures that Ad brought her, because Ad is anti-Lisa. The little rip off purse dog is the only evidence I need. Just wait and watch. I’m never wrong. Unless I’m watching Jeopardy. Or picking a man. Or singing hymns.

Keep those crutches in tip top shape. Leech will want to use them when you’re done.

Kyle and Lisa haven’t even met the bitch, and they’re already commenting on her stupid ass. Kyle wonders how reasonable it is to be walking around on crutches while wearing stilettos. LOL. I don’t think she’s here cuz she’s smart. I think she’s here cuz Cibrian found a way to hide his money. While Taylor gets to fake know Brandi, B tells us that she was married to the biggest douchebag on the planet. No, not another Frasier storyline. Eddie Cibrian. She says he’s an “actor”. “He’s good looking. That’s what he does.” She says that like it’s a sin. Girl, I know you ain’t hiding some nursing degree under that fake ass face. Being “good looking” requires more skills than “marrying a guy whose job is to be ‘good looking’.” He may be at the bottom of the pond, but you’re lower. Waaaay lower. I gotta stick up for the guy. He’s never given me money, but at least he’s made a deposit into my spank bank.

Taylor makes fast friends with Brandi and invites her to Kennedy’s “The Final Nail in Daddy’s Financial Coffin” bday party. AW! Paul, the only other person who will talk to her, brings Brandi up to meet Kyle and Lisa. Lisa immediately asks her if she’s friends with Cedric. Why, yes! They were models together and are still close! They were BOTH models? Damn. When did the modeling world drop their standards? The last time I asked that was when I was at a red light next to a bus with an ASPCA ad. I just honked “KILL THOSE HOMELY FUCKERS” in morse code and went on my way. But Brandi’s classy, you guys. Just look at her.

Taylor immediately makes her way over to Kyle and asks what’s up with that ho Brandi? Kyle snarks that her claim to fame is getting dumped by Cibrian, and Faye Resnik laughs like that’s way tackier than collecting cash from your best friend’s murder. They call Paul over and ask wtf he would bring this ho to their mall parking lot charity event, and he tells all the straight guys being forced by their wives to watch this show that younger prettier women are always met with hostility. He calls Kyle on her bs and says if Lisa has such a problem with Brandi then she wouldn’t be talking her head off. Kyle tries to remember the whole “keep your friends close and your enemies closer thing”, but she only got through the Sun part of that book and then had to get chemical peels for months. The Tzu never made it into her repertoire.

Now let’s get the opinion of some trashy know nothing queen.

Woops wrong picture.

Elliot is the private eye guy Kyle wants to hire to get to the bottom of the Taylor scandal. First off, I have no pity for some famewhore who has blabbled ten different stories all over the press. Taylor’s only pissed cuz she didn’t get a couple hundred grand for crying on TV for her lame gossip. Second off, I only have interest in one private eye.

He lisps and slurs very slowly his method of getting to the truth: “Cut off the heeeead of the rattttlethnake insthtead of the taaaail. Litsthen to the thone of their voice as they deny knowing about Waaaaatergathe.” LOL! Fake ass Taylor nods and smirks like they have an inside joke going, but then she deadpans to us: “I don’t know what that means.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! It sounds like he’s talking about catching terrorists. Oh yeah. And in case you just forgot, the key to not hanging yourself like a do not disturb sign outside the honeymoon suite: just remember not to marry any of these bitches.

The more you know.

We go back to Lisa, who is still talking to Brandi. Old Fartin’ Martin comes up to beg Lisa not to set him up on a date with her. She tells him that Brandi knows Leech, and he asks “Did he borrow money from you?” HAHAHAH!! I still hope he ends up with Kim. What a shit show that would be. Spinoff! Brandi says she does know Leech but it’s not the defining moment in her life. That would be boning a stud that dumped her for a hick that rhymes. She says that Lisa is like eighty and needs to let it go already. Three feet away, Kyle calls a girl huddle to bitch about what a dumb ho Brandi is, and the girls laugh and laugh. Brandi hears them, and she says that she can be a bigger bitch than all of them combined and they’ve now officially earned her ill will. YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!

Rise of the Gimp

Next week, we find out that Brandi’s a slut and Camille hates people that brag about money they didn’t make.