Previously this season on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Adrienne beat up children,…
…children beat up Paul,
….and Kyle beat up Kim’s soul. But Kim has just kept trucking with the firm belief that she’s on her way back up the food chain.
Kim does the Sally Field monologue from “Not Without My Daughter” to prepare for her Geico audition.
Lisa had lots of good one liners, wore a lot of jug featuring pink dresses, and dressed all the men in her life in matching clothes.
I’m only leeching cuz my mom was a hooker who died of consumption, sold me to some evil hotel owners to sweep floors and left me dreaming about castles on clouds.
Camille Grammer went from being some trophy wife Playboy slut to one of the biggest assholes in Bravo history. And that’s saying something.
My daddy owns this town and you’re gonna PAY!
And there was fighting! Kyle and Kim fought for reasons none of us can understand to this day, and Kim told Taylor her lips were faker than The Rock’s performance in the remake of Escape to Witch Mountain. Paul and Adrienne fought for reasons no one can understand to this day, and Taylor considered divorcing her homely rich dude cuz he tried to murder their child with a ticking time bomb in a super cute package:
In dog body language, this means “you’re dead bitch in the name of holla”
Oh yeah. And Frasier cheated on his wife, left his family, and America cheered. Which was disgusting. And justified. And terrible and wonderful. We got to see very clearly what a mean spirited prick Frasier is, and it turns out just cuz we are rooting against Camille doesn’t mean we can’t root against this ass, too. EW x 2.
It’s called payback for telling me Hank was gonna be a hit.
All caught up? Good! Cuz we’re in for the end. Let’s do this.
Bring us your poor(ly mannered), your tired, your huddled saline masses.
New York. We open where we left off last week, with Camille toasting love. They skipped the part where Give It Up You Aren’t And Never Will Be Sam Malone thanked the British people for being so kind as to be willing to actually give birth to one of his children through a real birth canal. Camille Shlemiel Frasier tells us that she’s super hesitant to go arm and arm with her husband to the Tonys. She also must feel very pale right about now.
Clock out and don’t come back until you look less like a dried out piece of flank steak.
Cam thinks they can work this silly “I’m leaving you” stuff out. They’ve worked stuff out before! They’ve literally gotten over piles of her shit in this marriage. Frashe is visibly annoyed in the limo at the size of Cam’s dress, and tinkly sad music plays as she tells us how this all feels like a relative just died. Or an ATM just ate your card and won’t give it back. Both are traumatizing.
She talks in a monotone dead voice, and I think this is her trying to come across as sad. She’s emotionally vacant, though, so it just seems like a spur of the moment M&M is irritating her bowels. She’s a terrible actress. Even by reality TV standards.
Cam holds Frashe’s hand and says, condescendingly, “I hope you win.” “I already have.” Beat. Beat. Beat. “The night and everything? It’s like already winning.” HAHAHAHAH. “I’m spending the night with a bunch of gay dudes who get paid to sing showtunes instead of four donkey faced nannies and kids who still have heads shaped like test tubes. I WIN!” Cam laughs to all the staff in the limo and says “I thought he was talking about winning cuz he has meeeeee!” The man now knows what it’s like to make it through a whole night without waking up to the sounds of an IBS tsunami ripping apart the bathroom. Let him breathe.
Getting a divorce is hard for most people, but for her it’s haaaaard with lots of a’s cuz she’s married to a celebrity and everyone’s gonna know their business. It’s funny, cuz the only things I really even know are the embarrassing things she’s been tossing around the media herself. I can forgive a lot of things, but putting the image of a limp penised hairy assed Frasier prancing around in silk pink panties is just. Un. Forgivable. And since when is Camille so fucking private? She’s on a reality show and she’s spent the last thirteen years talking about the shitstorm in her stomach every chance she gets. I’m already getting worked up and we’re like two minutes in. It’s important to remember one important rule while watching this show: Camille’s an asshole.
And now, a little backstory for next season’s huge plot: Jiggy’s gonna get laid.
Let me guess. Your daddy’s in the same outfit.
Kyle is going to see a medium. Unfortunately it’s not Medium medium. It’s just some homely chick in a sad office with a credit card slot in her cleavage. Finally, the real thing! Kyle tells us that she’s been going to this gifted woman for a couple of years, and she’s the real deal unlike Cam’s clown psychic. Flashback to “He will never fulfill you emotionally. KNOW THAT!” I hope I meet Medium one day. I carry a squirt gun around just in case the chance ever arises. I want to shoot her electric cig and see if I can electrocute that hooker.
Kyle has brought her mom’s ashes and a lock of her hair. “I thought you’d think I was crazy!” Honey, the woman is taking money for talking to dead people. She doesn’t think you’re crazy. She thinks you’re a sucker. The rest of us think you’re batshit, though. Mom is saying that there has been a conflict….it has to do with another woman! It must be her sister! That’s some really intense shit right there. I’m sure Kyle has never come here to bitch about her sister before. Let me guess, Kyle’s right about everything. If I was told by some dead person that I was on the wrong end of a fight, I’d rekill them.
Real Medium says that Kim didn’t stand up for Kyle and now Kyle feels betrayed, but she has to understand that Kim was just trying not to get in a fight with someone else. That’s pretty good, no? Kyle tells us that when she fights with Kim, she feels her mom. I hope it’s her ass spanking your bony ass that you feel. You need a good one, brat. I like this psychic. She makes me believe in stuff I don’t usually believe in. I wonder if I can be psychic. Lemme try. I predict that you hate conditioner.
Totally starting a phone line.
Lisa has Taylor to the restaurant for a liquid lunch date. Taylor giggles and coos. Russell’s throwing a birthday party for her, “to my chagrin.” Damn, woman how rude. Lisa nods and smiles, impressed with Russ, the man who supposedly makes no effort. Taylor shrugs it off and says his assistant’s probably doing all the hard work. Yeah, cuz you’re daughter’s party was really a labor of love. Kennedy looked psyched all alone up that hill on a swing, slumped over with eyes sore from crying while you danced on tables with a wine bottle in your hand. Taylors birthday party sounds like it’s gonna be a barrel of monkeys. Will Camille be well enough to swing by? A party during a failing marriage needs a mascot.
Lisa has invited Taylor here to discuss the fight in New York. What the hell did she say to Camille up in that hotel room that caused her to shit at the table? Taylor laughs and Lisa makes her stop and fess up. Taylor admits that she told Shlemiel that Kim called her insecure, and the fight happened when Kim denied it. As I recall, and have recalled about twelve times now, it was a pretty innocent conversation and Kim and Taylor agreed that Camille’s anger was probably coming from an insecure place. It was never evil on either of their parts.
Lisa nails it when she says that it’s not about what Kim did or didn’t say, it’s about Taylor running to Camille and starting shit about it. She asks Taylor to just stay out of it, and Taylor starts getting testy at Lisa’s frankness. It doesn’t help that when she tries to order something to eat Lisa gives her a firm no before she can unhinge her jaw and scare the customers.
Taylor was never in the fight! She didn’t wanna be in it! We know. You just wanted to start the fire and bask in it’s warmth. No one actually wants to be the log, silly Putty. That’s the point. Lisa makes it clear that Taylor is to sort it out with Kim. She’s kinda like a Caroline that doesn’t have to shave her face. To her credit, Taylor agrees. Then she puts her lips inside the wine glass, closes the air off, and starts sucking to pump up her lips some more. I did that as a kid! I would blow up my lips and laugh and laugh. Now I have monkey mouth.
You’ve been warned.
Lisa has hired Edna Mode to design some dresses for her.
More pink dresses, basically. She could save herself a hell of a lot of money by finding a decent Hello Kitty store. Lisa tells us, as Leech lounges around and comments on her giant jugs, that it’s time for Leech to go. It was all well and good until Jiggy started breaking out in lip sores.
My mom was a bitch too.
Fancy cars! Expensive stores! IT’S A WHOLE DIFFERENT WORLD!
There are ass clowns, and there are ass rodeos.
Kim goes to a makeup artist named Thierry. Oh Lord. That is so not his name. How come no one ever decides to change their name to John? And why would you trust your face to a guy that looks like Boy George in his chaining up hookers days?
Put this lotion on or I’ll spray you with a hose.
Kim tells us that she doesn’t care about her appearance. Which is why she looks like the only non alien fortysomething year old in BH. When she was married, you could come to her house through the large gates and walk past the butler to find her in the backyard in flip flops. So casual, so real, and yet such a STAAAAHHHH! That’s fascinating. Now tell us where the butler and mansion went. Bragging about what you have? Obnoxious but fun. Bragging about what you had? Just sad. Whatever you did to the husband with the mansion and the gates? Just call and say you’re sorry. My advice to everyone on this show? Just. Say. You’re sorry. So you can find new things to fight about.
Kim tells John that she has been hanging out with a bunch of rich ladies who put some work into their looks and she wants to learn how to do the same. That’s cute. She’s learning to be a real girl! The first thing John does it pull out some fishing wire. Then grabs her scalp skin like a mama dog grabs one of its puppies and heaves it up until she’s screaming. Before he can tie it off, she yells that she just wants a decent makeup job. He drops her face and it’s like a curtain coming down. As she recovers and tries to get her eyelids to work properly again, she tells us that she worked every day as a child ICON and bought her family’s home and all their cars. My sister? Is a lazy a hole. Kim says that Kyle looks better than she because she had friends and got to go to school while Kim worked. It might also have to do with Kyle not being afraid to get her face sliced off and stapled to the back of her skull. Not that you didn’t work hard, but surgery’s surgery. Let’s give credit where credit’s due.
When John is done, Kim looks perty. She coos “17 again!” I think she’s complimenting her twin wattles, which do, in fact, look 17.
I tease, but I love that Kim is au natural. It’s refreshing to see a woman who isn’t afraid to look her age. Granted, she looks afraid of everything else, but still. She looks human. A sweet, twitchy human.
Taylor is outside at the pool with Snowball and her friend. They’re trying to decide whether to put Snowy on the grill or drown it. Let’s talk it over with a glass of wine first, eh?
I was thinking of chartering a plane and dropping it into the ocean, but Russ has used all our chartering budget this month for Scottsdale.
Taylor has brought this “friend” over her to sucker her into taking Snowball. You know that friend is some random off craigslist. Good plan. This way, Kennedy could still go visit and Snowball and Taylor would be getting rid of the dog permanently and the kid occasionally. She is horrifying while eating stuff, but Tay’s not a dumdum. Best. Plan. Evah.
Tay and Russell are gonna take a trip to Mexico so they can work out their feelings and figure out what Russell can do to make Taylor stop badmouthing him on TV. I don’t know if Mexico’s really the right place to go. Every maid in that hotel is gonna think it’s Dia De Los Muertos and freak the fuck out.
Mierda que está vivo! Está vivo! Dios en el cielo por favor salvarnos a todos!
Over at Lisa’s, Leech is swimming. Ken comes out and gives him shit for being such a slacker loser, and Leech starts singing “A Little Fall of Rain.“
Why, it almost seems like Leech isn’t taking the request to move out seriously! Ken says he won’t even take this user behavior from his kids and he’s certainly not gonna take it from this smooth nutted queen. Leech says if he moves they’ll just ignore him and make him feel like his mom’s getting gang raped on a pinball machine again. Ken says that Jodie Foster isn’t his mom so just stop it. Leech tries another plea, and says that he loves living there not because they’re rich, but because he feels like he’s part of a family. Uh huh. How come I’ve never heard of poor people with a thirty seven year old user sleeping on the couch? Cuz it doesn’t happen. Come be a part of my family! You can start with the toilets, then walk the dog, cook me something, and go into your room and watch Telemundo with your sister Romana. Aw, maids. Better than kids. They never learn enough English to talk back and no one comes to your house to make you feel guilty when you throw things at them.
Lisa says that even if he was a real kid of theirs, he wouldn’t be living at home. But Italian kids stay at home til they’re fifty! HAHAH. He really said that. Lisa says they’re not Italian and if it weren’t for her money he would have looked fifty a decade ago. NOW GO. Leech tells us that every time he gets close to someone, they leave. Oh honey, Lisa’s not leaving. You are. Now put away your saggy tits and get to packin.
Leech begs, but Lisa and Ken stand firm. This guy is unbelievable. He starts singing “Maybe.” Badly. GET A JOB. Time for Taylor’s big party. Kyle’s nervous cuz this is like closing night, with shooting coming to an end and all. The girls won’t be seeing each other for awhile “and that’s probably a good thing.” Kyle’s kind of a bitch tonight.
Meanwhile, Taylor’s trying to be as positive as possible in that wounded way she has. It’s super hard, what with her husband going out of his way to plan a special party for her. She tells us fakely that she’s excited, but the editors let the footage roll as she gazes off worriedly. It’s hilarious.
It’s hard for her, not having a calculator handy, to think of what her life without Russ would be like. She gets into the limo and makes an effort to engage him and get him in the mood for a fun night out together.
Sorry babe I’m just texting 5269 to Bravo to vote for Kyle as hottest housewife. Be with you in a sec.
Camille is at home whining to her best friend.
Oh and Hair Friend is there, too. Cam says that she just can’t bring herself to make it to Taylor’s party cuz she’s sad and her stomach hurts. You know what’s awesome for bad stomachs? Wine. She’s gonna be leaking til Monday. She tells Hair how haaaard it was being at the Tonys. Frashe wouldn’t talk about their marriage or their kids to anyone. Well, what’s he supposed to say? “Thanks for the congratulations! I didn’t win but just being on Broadway is winning. Oh? Yeah our marriage is great. I’m leaving her for a Virgin stewardess I knocked up. HA. Yes that’s funny. I do feel like God knocking up a virgin. You are witty, Nathan Lane. Camille could you please go get Nathan some wine? We’re gonna talk baby names.” Not talking about it was the polite thing to do, no?
And then we hear how Cam found out about the other woman. She showed up at the apartment building after the Tonys and the doorman wouldn’t let her in. She insisted that she was Frasier’s wife and he argued with her until she showed him the only id she ever carries.
The doorman popped a boner and asked who the dirty blonde was on the end and why the cover was in Spanish. The whole thing was humiliating. To find that your husband is introducing someone else as his wife and it’s not Shelley Long. It killed her heart and the dreams of millions of eighties sitcom fans in one fell swoop.
Camille cries “Who iiiiiiiis this woman? Does she know she’s destroying a faaaaaaamily?” If this were episode one, I’m sure we would all be falling for this. It sucks. There’s no way to say Frasier’s doing a good thing. He’s a horrible disgusting charming super hairy man. But we’ve had twelve hours of this hooker. He made it thirteen years. I feel like he deserves something. I’m gonna write “Tony” on a gum wrapper and mail it to him.
She whines that he’s gonna destroy the children. Those children are already destroyed. Nine out of ten scenes they’re in the fetal position. It will be a rough transition, though. What if the new wife calls them by their names instead of “You There” and “That One” and like, plays ball with them? They’re not gonna know what to do. Those donkey faced nannies are gonna be working overtime this year on the huggage. In all reality, the kids are probably in the guest house right now jumping up and down and trying to pack as much crystal into their little suitcases as possible. Camille keeps trying to cry, but all she can manage is a really exhausted monotone, like a kid faking sick to stay home from school.
Some people feel things by sleeping into waking comas, k? Know that.
Hair Friend is trying to cry, too, but for very different reasons.
Does this mean I have to give my house back?
The girls start arriving at the party and Russ did a beautiful job. Well, the Bravo interns did a beautiful job. It looks the same as Kyle’s party. Same lights and everything. Poor Fatburger got left out of this one, though. Adrienne invited her PR person along, and assures us that “in Hollywood, that’s how most of us roll.” She needs someone to follow her telling photographers “no it’s not Pumpkinhead from Return to Oz. It’s a Maloof. Have some respect. No, she’s never befriended a girl named Dorothy. Stop trying to trick me.”
Tell them my kids broke my husband’s nose twice. All I need is Social Services trying to get through the front gate.
Ad isn’t helping PR guy any with those shoes. Stole that shit right off Dorothy!
Kyle arrives and says she’s embarrassed that her sister’s always late. Excuse you, but does Meryl Streep show up to Bravo parties on time? Wait. Whenever Meryl hears someone talking about Bravo she just gracefully says “thank you” and moves on with her life. That logic’s not gonna work.
Kyle clinks glasses with Lisa and thanks the universe for keeping Camille away, even though she just wasted a lot of money on that fake doorman she hired to not let Cam in without proving she’s married to Frasier.
Sad music is playing. Camille is still trying to cry. She says that she begged Frasier to stay in the marriage. Was this before or after you bitched about the apartment and refused to go to New York? Or was it when you made a toast to thirteen years of marriage after kissing your boyfriend in front of your staff? Just to get a timeline. She goes off about how Frasier put her in a cage and refused to let her live a life. LOL now come on, Shlemiel. You went from being a washed up Playboy model/stripper living in a studio apartment to multi-millionaire. It wasn’t because you met and charmed a good man, it’s cuz some rich alchie called his agent and asked to be have a blonde ho sent over while he was drunk and dumb enough to marry you. You won the lottery! Now’s not the time to cry. It’s the time to pray and thank the Lord that you’re getting tens of millions of dollars and won’t have to see that man naked ever again. And how is it “putting you in a cage” when you’re all over Oprah talking about your torrential ass problems? This woman is ridiculous. Hair Friend listens, sympathizes and nods with that “please don’t take my house” look on her face.
Cam tells us that it was a super hard decision to make, but she had to file for divorce. LOL what?!? SHE filed? What the hell? Frasier at this point had already impregnated a chick that he’d been introducing as his wife. Am I right on that? Or was she pregnant later? I am thinking toooo haaaaard. Was he planning on keeping them both? A lot of bi coastal people have a closet for each town so they don’t have to pack bags every time they travel. In NY he could have one beard and in LA he could have another. Great planning? Shitty timing? Pure evil? I don’t know. But I’m intrigued.
Taylor arrives, and then Kim comes in looking confident and pretty. She and Kyle cheek kiss and uncomfortably give each other “fuck you” hellos. Kyle is immediately in Lisa’s ear accusing Kim of showing up wasted. Kim is kinda twitching and falling all over the place, but she’s always like that. Kyle’s looking for a fight. She’s already ripped her own sleeves so Kim doesn’t have the satisfaction of doing it later.
Ad bitches to Lisa that Paul almost chose playing golf with Marky Mark instead of coming to the party. Just in case you forgot this town was full of dbags.
Lisa is trying to hook Kim up with Old Fartin again! Hilarious. This woman never gives up. Everyone stands around watching them awkwardly. Kim refuses a drink and then walks away pissily. Poor Fart. The only guy who gets less respect than him on this show is Russell, who is dinging a glass to give a speech. No one pays attention to him. He’s like that Santa asshole with a bell begging for change outside the grocery store every December. I will say the same thing to him as I say to fake Santa: “I want to see the actual poor children you’re supposedly raising money for or I’m going to assume that they’re made up. JERK.”
Russ is persistent, though, and just keeps dinging. He thanks them all for coming as Lisa gives the couple stink eye.
Lisa can talk about keeping the peace all she wants, but she’s here to start some shit tonight. She looks ready to beat someone up. YAY! She says that she hasn’t connected with Russell at all. I don’t think anyone has. Except maybe Snowball. Who’s just been shipped off. And who cares? Why does everybody have to connect with everybody? Just let the poor guy be a weirdo and move on with your life.
Taylor goes over to Lisa and tells her about her vacay with Russ. Lisa cryptically tells her to be honest with herself. Lisa has the most polite way of saying “you’re a stupid slag” I’ve ever heard. She tells us that Taylor seems to want to have a BH life instead of true love. Duh. Who doesn’t? I’ll take the cash option any day. There’s no rule that says you can’t make out with money. And it won’t talk your f ing head off and eat all the food in the fridge.
Now for a scene of Adrienne refusing to eat. Paul calls it insanity. I call it dedication. Taylor decides it’s time to get her twitch on and approaches Kim, who stands up and gets right in her face. Uh-oh. I don’t think this is gonna go well. At least I hope not.
Face off. Then back on again. Boom you’ll look like a thirtyish year old Avatar. Trust me.
Tay says that Lisa conrfonted her about starting shit and it was really Kim who started it and dragged Taylor into it. She could have just stopped the fight but instead she let it drag on. Kim gets all up in Taylor’s rubber and says that all the women were stirring shit up. Taylor argues that from where she sat, it looks like she didn’t stand up for her sister. For fuck’s sake. These twits still don’t realize that they didn’t do anything wrong in the first place and they’re fighting about nothing. I wish this wasn’t shot so far in advance so I could have explained the rule of the show to them: Camille’s an asshole and everywhere she goes she leaves a trail of shit. Smile politely and ignore her.
The squawking gets louder, and Kim says that Kyle is “faked” by Taylor and Kim knows who Tay really is. That is the first thing that’s made sense so far. Now Kyle’s here getting into it. They all squawk about the specifics of the airport conversation. Kim accuses Tay of calling Camille insignificant and Taylor accuses Kim of calling her insecure. LOL this is so dumb. Especially when Cam is both of those things. The editors show us the conversation. Taylor said Camille probably feels insignificant without her husband and Kim agrees and says she’s probably just insecure. But again, neither of them was being evil at the time. Whatever the case, Kim is flicking her hand in Taylor’s face and it’s brilliant.
All the girls gather around. Because Lisa was raised right, she doesn’t cackle and shout “HIT HER!” like I would. She puts on earnest face and tells us that when she suggested they talk, it was to make peace not drama. Riiiiight. She doesn’t say that to them, of course. She just stays silent and watches. Kim accuses Taylor of stirring shit up and then Taylor says I know you are but what am I?! and Kim says you’re a poopy diaper. Dumb. Kim gets even more defensive, cuz the ladies are all standing around her now watching her twitch like a fly in a spider web. She says that she’s not stirring up shit and doesn’t even go to lunch with anyone on the show cuz she doesn’t enjoy anyone’s company. Snapple: Angry Twitch Flavor.
Kyle takes this as her moment to jump in. “You talkin’ about me?!!” OHGAAWD. Kim puts an angry finger in her face and tells her to watch her step and then Kyle tells her to watch it and then Kim says to take it back and then Kyle says to take it back. I’d like to ask Natalie Portman to take this back.
You just got me with Black Swan and now this? COME OOON!
Meanwhile, the guys try and figure out why a bunch of women are standing around yelling at each other in front of seventy five people. Let’s ask Russell what he thinks about all this. Russell? RUSSELL?!?!
Now Ad is asking why Kim didn’t speak up in NY. Kim says it was too much confrontation and all these hookers keep stirring things up and if Kyle thinks they’re her friends…Lisa steps up and says EXCUUUUSE ME?!?!? Kim backs down immediately and says she only meant Taylor. LOL. I wouldn’t fuck with Lisa either.
I think the real reason Kim didn’t say anything to help Kyle out was because if Kim was there during the alleged “why would Hawaii want you without Frasier?” comment, then she would know that Camille knows that Kyle never said that. Camille is still, even though she has a witness to the fact that Kyle never said anything wrong, insisting that it’s true and making life hell for Kyle. Why the hell would Kim want to go and piss of Camille when Camille is blatantly lying and demanding that people kiss her ass or suffer the wrath of Frasier Goddamn CRANE? Especially when her sister had been kind of a dick to her all day?
Kim tells Kyle she’s been a good sister to her and Kyle says I know you are but what am I. Kyle walks off, and Lisa tells us that Kim has issues. Lisa and Taylor give each other a “stay away from me” and break up. Kim, almost crying, tells Lisa and Ad that she’s had enough drama and doesn’t want any more. Well we do. Make an effort. The whole party is watching now, so Kim cries and leaves. AW. I feel for her. I’d like to think that if she’d had a chance to go to school as a kid she might fight more better. She gets upset and just chokes out random words. “LIKE!” “GOD!” “TELEPHONY!” “YOU AH!”
I learned to put on eyeshadow for THIS?
Ad talks to Kyle and says that she needs to not be fighting with her sister at parties cuz they’re sisters. Super embarrassing sisters. Kyle starts crying about how much she’s done for her sister and stuff. Ad tries to stick up for Kim and says she’s lonely and Kim says she’s alone cuz of all her crap. Kyle says her mom died worrying about her and now she’s stuck with her and can’t even talk about it. Um, you’ve talked about it every week to millions of people and called Kim a psycho soul sucker. And in thirteen hours of this, we haven’t seen you help Kim ONCE. All you’ve done is tell everyone she’s a psycho and criticized every single thing she’s done. She bought you a HOUSE, bitch! Adrienne smiles, embarrassed to be involved in this on TV, and says that the sisters should take a break at the heavenly Palms Casino and relax in style wink. And maybe get therapy. Kyle says she doesn’t want therapy and stalks off all mad. She don’t want truth, that one.
Kim goes to her and Kim’s manager Bette and makes her call the valet and refuse to let Kim leave. LOL. Her manager? What in the hell is the woman managing? Fatburger, we’re having a fancy party and need a hamburger stand for the people considering divorce. I take twenty percent! I’m hiring a manager. I’m sick of cleaning the lint out of my own belly button. Job’s open. Pays in Milky Ways. And lint, of course.
Kim is in the limo with Fartin! AWWWW! How sweet! The limo stinks now, but at least she’s got someone to tell how mean the girls were to her. Adrienne goes into the limo because she knows that Kim is upset and she wants to be there for her. AW! I love Ad. She agrees that Kim was ganged up on and tries to be sensible and therapeutic. Kim cries as Ad says that Kyle just worries for her sister even though that might be hard to see, what with the “my mom died worrying about her” and “take what you can get or die alone” comments. Some people love with hate. Look at Paul. Poor guy can’t even breathe and he’s the happiest man alive.
Ad sees the love even if Kim doesn’t. Kim, hearing none of that, says her sister is rude and unthoughtful. Ad tries to reel her in, but it’s not happening. Maybe Kim is just lonely…? Kim starts sobbing and after a bit insists unconvincingly that she likes being alone. You guys? Heart. Breaking.
You are not alone.
Kyle gets in the limo and Kim tells her she is untrustworthy and needs to stay away from her. Kyle shouts that Kim is acting insane and everyone’s sick of her antics and her fun killing ways. Kim stays quiet, but Ad tells her that she needs to talk about her feelings! Communication’s important! Knowing what Adrienne considers “communication”, you’d think she would know what she’s getting herself into with that advice. She doesn’t, though. Otherwise she’d move the hell out of the way before her nose looks like Paul’s.
Kim calmly says that she was talking to Taylor and then suddenly had a gang of women around her and it was unfair. Kyle shouts that she heard her name so she came over innocently. Riiiight. Kim, waaaay meeker now that Kyle’s in the car, just mutters “you’re embarrassing.” Kyle shouts that Kim’s always been the embarrassing one and she’s sick of sticking up for her to everyone. Um…when has she ever had to do that? All she’s done is tear her down. Kim tells us that she bought Kyle her first car and the family home, Kyle tells us that Kim’s the burden. So what is it? A: They’re both fucknuts insane.
After some silence and muttering at each other, Kyle ups her game. She tells Kim their mom had to die worrying about her insanity and left Kyle to deal with her crap. Wow. Kim looks like she’s been kicked in the stomach. Kyle continues that after everything she’s done for Kim, yaddayadda. This really pisses Kim off and she springs back to life and shouts “Everything you’ve done for me? YOU STOLE MY GODDAMN HOUSE!!!”
Wait. WHAT? This could mean a couple things. Kim bought the family house when she was rich. Mom died when Kim wasn’t rich, leaving the house to Kyle, who sold it. ?? Or Kim was behind on house payments. Kyle and Mauri stepped in and bought it. Then sold it and downsized her. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I want to. That’s just not right. All I know is this: if I get into an argument this week, I will say “YOU STOLE MY GODDAMN HOUSE!” at least once before it’s done.
Kyle jumps her! HAHAHAH!!! Ad is in the middle trying to break it up, but Kyle’s clawing like a madwoman. She screams for Kim to take it back and calls her a psycho and an alcoholic and the spews that her husband’s been supporting Kim like a second wife. “That’s right! Now everyone knows!” Holy shit. Kyle’s gone pretty low before, but I didn’t expect that. I don’t think she did either, cuz she’s suddenly calm when she gets out of the limo. She turns back and says that all the support Mauricio and she have given Kim is over. The scene ends with Kim sobbing alone in the car. AGAIN. I take pride in not taking this shit seriously, but this is really hard to watch. Come here, Kim. AWWWWhugzzzz. Don’t worry honey. In my family we don’t call other people alcoholics. We call them self medicators. And then we open another box of wine for them. Cuz you should give sick people medicine. Seriously? Come over. HUUUUGGGz.
Back at the party, Adrienne is trying to talk Kyle down, but she won’t be talked down. To us, though, she’s crying. She says she’s never fought with Kim like that ever and wishes she could turn back time and take it back. Uh huh. I wish I could take back time and make fun of you more in these recaps, jerk. I think the editors hate her too now, cuz look at the shot they put in of her.
Woops sry I said you klld mom. Txtme bk
The last we see of Lisa and Leech is an argument. About what? Who knows. I suspect Lisa is accusing Leech of calling Camille insecure or something.
You’re like family and we’ll get through anything. Until you stop supporting me.
The last we see of Taylor and Russell is Taylor trying to wave off the smoke Russ is blowing in her face. HAHAHAH.
Kennedy is still breaking out in hives. Turns out she’s allergic to rubber and can no longer hug her bionic mother. Sad horns.
Adrienne and Paul leave happy. And fighting.
Her PR person was fired after a tabloid got pics of Ad hanging out with, you guessed it, Dorothy. She is now trying to live a full happy life as an out of the closet augmented pumpkinhead.
OH NO!! So she really is an alchie? That makes Kyle 100x more evil for saying it on national TV, and it also makes Bravo 100x more fake for not showing us an ounce of it. See what I did there?
Her kids? Have been in a cardboard box outside the flea market trying to get themselves adopted.
The season ends with the remaining ladies getting a picture at the end of the party. Kyle tells us that it’s wonderful having such amazing girlfriends…but you just can’t abuse them endlessly like a twitchy sister. AWWWWtoolatebitch.
Wow. So that’s it. What a depressing ending to a pretty fun season. I’m sad now. Lisa lost her gay, Kim lost her sister, Taylor lost the only thing in her house that doesn’t think she’s a c word, Kyle lost her credibility, Camille lost her trump card, and Adrienne lost…nothing. Ad wins! So one last time, guys. What did we learn? That’s right…
Camille’s an asshole.
I’ll see you the next couple of weeks as I try to follow the insanity that is bound to fill the reunion shows. Thanks for being here this season and for your funny and insightful comments. You’re my fave read of the week. xo