You thought there wasn’t any more juice in this season? Well you were WRONG. The BevHills editors got together last night to get revenge on Camille is an Asshole and Medium for blaming their shitty personalities on editing, and the result was one of the best episodes of the series. So get ready for the last hour of Cam’s Insane Bullshit Syndrome. At least until next season.
My DVR caught the end of last week’s lost footage episode, so let’s begin there. We start off with a Frasier abuse scene. He doesn’t actually hit Camille at dinner with all her friends, but he might as well have. At least then she could understand what exactly it is that’s happening to her. She’s too dim to read expressions and good old fashioned words. We’re in New York, post Tonys, and Frasier is backhandedly complementing Camille’s giant pain in the ass red dress that he didn’t want her to wear. She asks him if it’s a good night, cuz she can’t seem to figure that out on her own quite yet.
How could it not be? I just found out I’m gonna be a daddy!
They exchange a couple of fakey bake niceties and then start looking around the restaurant awkwardly for someone to come save them from each other. Thankfully, Camille brought an entire plane load of friendployees along for moments like this. They squeeze into the table, and Cam starts blabbing on about her giant black diamond ring. She got it from Erica Courtney, who Frasier looooves! She says hi btw Frasier! Thanks for paying her mortgage with that black ring purchase love ya mean it call me. Cam tells how Erica goes down into the mines in South Africa to find her own diamonds and has invited Cam to see the shiny walls! She’s totally gonna go you guys!
We are chuckling at her assholeishness, but Frashe is laughing even harder, and he’s obviously fed up at this point in pretending that Camille is anything other than a total dick. He jokes that Erica takes an “all you can buy” bucket down to South Africa to get diamonds that are just lying around all over the place. Cam doesn’t get the joke. Aren’t there diamonds just lying around all over the place? What gives? She looks wounded and confused, and her friendployees feel bad laughing at her expense with the man who’s about to leave her for some knocked up replacement ho, but they do anyway cuz Cam may fly them around but it’s with Frasier’s money so he wins.
Please go to a mine in South Africa. PLEASE.
I’d like to point out that even DeDe, Hair Friend, is jumping on the bandwagon. Poor thing just needs her rent paid. She’ll kick Cam in the nuts publicly if it means she doesn’t have to get a real job once Frashe leaves. Camille senses that she’s being mocked, but instead of just shutting up, she talks louder and longer. I WANT TO GOOOOOOOOOO! He rolls his eyes at her with plain disgust and gets back to eating. No one looks comfortable. Poor, sad Shlemiel. I almost feel bad for her, but you can’t feel bad every time Moe smacks Curly. It’s what Curly’s there for.
Erica Courtney says hi. OW! Sad horns.
Tennis Ho and his wife look sad for Shlem, but she finally gets some attention from a fan who thanks her for being “the gift that you are” and asks for a picture. See? Doing nothing, knowing nothing, and aspiring to nothing CAN pay off! Paula Abdul, take note. Here is someone who is appreciated for being the gift that she is!
Never mind that the woman is giving the LOSER signal to the camera.
The show ends with a lonely shot of Shlemiel looking at a water fountain and wondering where all her friends went. AW! POOOOOOR SHLEMIEEEEEL! The only thing that would make this sequence better would be Frasier running by and pushing her stupid ass in.
Anyone wanna jump in with me and look for diamonds? THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!
And now for the dinner party from hell! This one begins deliciously, with clips of Medium in full on drunken abuse mode. Andy comes on in VO mode and explains his motives for this extra special show right off the bat: “I bet Medium didn’t see this coming!” LOL.
Hair Friend, Shlemiel, and Medium are waiting for the guests to arrive, and Medium brags that she waited to start drinking til she got there. Wow. Way to show some strength, Med! What is it there, like three in the afternoon? On the show Medium, the first few seasons hinted that Al drank a bit much, but she was never a raging c word. If they had portrayed her character a little more honestly, it wouldn’t have been cancelled. Allison should have been a sad dirty alchie with a bad dye job and beat up Joe and called her kids fat and stuff. Missed opportunities. What should you know? That.
Cam insists that inviting a drunk wasn’t a set up. It, of course, was a total set up, but Kyle sensed she was gonna be in trouble so she set up a defense plan. Named Faye. Setups all around!
A pearl necklace. It’s like she’s wearing her resume to the party.
Faye is a main character today, so she gets to do interview segments. She tells us that Kyle had told her every last bit of what happened in NY and she thinks that Cam is one sick bitch. Cam knew Kyle was bringing a friend, but she didn’t know it was Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick! In the limo, Faye jokes that her necklace is so big it almost got caught in the car door. Could you imagine getting killed by a pearl necklace? They giggle. There are worse ways to get killed! Like having your husband chop your head off with a machete. That reminds me I have to call Playboy back. This conversation is disturbing me.
Lisa and Ad are in a limo with Taylor, who is telling them that Medium is gonna be at this party and Cam told her that she’s a drunk. Then Cam tells us that she’s a drunk. Then we see the giant martinis Cam is serving up to get Medium to “hit below the belt.” Hair Friend toasts to new friends and old friends, like the ones that are showing up today. They’re old friends cuz Cam has decided not to be friends with them any more. Her choice! Uh huh. Already everything Cam said in the reunion has been shown to be a bald faced lie. Love this episode. I am just gonna play it over and over until next season starts. I know it’s not healthy, but I FEEEEL!
MC Faye is telling Kim and Kyle that “the chatter” has it that Cam has done Playboy and someone sent her an email of Cam’s beaver shots, which look more like they belong in a porno than in Playboy, which is super classy. Kim is already looking like she wants to throw up. Faye won’t go into too much more detail quite yet. She’s saving it up. She tells us that she knew everything about Cam’s past. The Playboy shoots, the softcore porn, the stripper past, the explosive ass. She’s loaded and ready to go. MC Faye, I mean. Not the explosive ass. I hope.
Camille is talking about her horses when Taylor, Ad and Lisa arrive. Hiyeeeeeeee! OMG it’s so good to seeeeeee yoooooooooou! Horses! Tanzanite! Erica Coooooourtneeeeeey! Taylor hears the word “horse” and unhinges her jaw.
Woah. Calm down. They’re not to eat, they’re to brag about to your poor friendployees. Seriously move away from the horse.
Taylor points out that from the start, Medium was sizing them up and acting weird. True, but the example we get is of Medium staring at Lisa’s rack. And how could she not? Those things are insane.
I predict I will try to get to second base with those things tonight cuz it’s a night to be baaaad!
Taylor felt like she was being sized up for an attack. Now you know how the horses feel, Taylor. Lisa didn’t care one way or the other, she just wanted to buy Medium a new sweater. HAHAHAHAH. Lisa’s tone with Medium is mocking, and Medium is at least smart enough to pick up on that. No, she’s not on Medium, it’s about her. She has a real job too! She profiles serial killers! Lisa’s like uh huh sure ya do sweetheart. I have a hairless dog and a hairless gay at home. Top it or stop it.
Lucille Ball just told me this bitch hates my sweater. She’s going down.
Lisa tells Medium “oooh. I must watch it.” Cut to Lisa telling us “Oops! It’s been cancelled.” HAHA. Kyle shows up and says she’s glad she brought backup to fight the Cam friendployee army. Kim looks scared, but she always does so we shouldn’t read too much into that. Cam does her pout hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! Kyle is fake too, and it’s hilarious to watch. She’s brought a host gift, and she’s wearing a joker smile as she thanks Cam for inviting her.
Thank yeeew Batman!
Cam gives MC Faye a plastic welcome, and Faye gives her a plastic “how sweeeeet” in return. The attitude is not lost on Camille. She feels, you guys.
Cam didn’t feel like Faye was there to be sincere, she was there to attack! So we’ve got a whole party of women already accusing each other of being in secret planned attack mode. YAY! Cuts of all the girls saying the drinks are designed to get them wasted. Duh. Cam’s got practice. You think she landed a multimillionaire when he was sober? Hell no! She kept him drunk until she had a black diamond on her finger. The editors make sure they throw in a couple of shots of Kim drinking coke, just in case we thought for some reason that she might be a drunk.
And now we just have to wait for the lost footage part two episode where we see her snorting crushed up valium in the bathroom.
Kyle admits that she’s scared of what’s about to happen, but Lisa tells her they have a free psychic for the night so just shelve the drama and let’s put this bitch through her paces. Time to eat! Medium slurs that she hopes someone will bring out the pitcher cuz it’s girl’s night, right?!? The term “girls night” will never sound fun again. We should start calling our double ten year war “girls night”. Tonight on girls night, a suicide bomber took out a polling station and Anderson Cooper got kicked in the head.
Cam instructs the girls to sit wherever they want as long as it’s not next to her cuz that’s where her guests of honor are gonna sit. Camille doesn’t fit at the head of the table. I wonder if Frasier makes her sit in the kitchen with Hair while he eats. Hair Friend compliments Camille on all her hard work picking out flowers. And you thought she didn’t do anything. Flowers? HAAAAARD!
Medium is all up in Kim’s behind about acting drunk even though she’s just drinking coke. LOL! Kim won’t admit to taking anything. She just stutters nervously as Medium tells her how much fuuuun she is. Kim stutters about how much she like’s Medium’s vibe but she’s not she didn’t I mean there was not drinky dr..yeah no but yeah. No. God I love Kim. I think she’s been talking in Morse Code this whole season but the viewers are too lazy to take a pencil to paper and figure out what she’s saying.
Medium says that she’s been testing the drinks to make sure they’re “tried and true.” Then she announces that she’s still young (unlike you hags) so when Saturday comes she gets more excited to get wasted than, say, a Wednesday. It’s girls night so “we’re not supposed to be gooood!” She just basically announced that everyone else in attendance is an old lady and she’s gonna take them down. Subtle, Medium. Subtle. Adrienne would rather be under Paul right now. That’s how bad this is going.
The Palms doesn’t need publicity this bad.
Medium continues that they are supposed to be bad in a controlled setting. Like Lord of the Flies, but for rich ladies. Life is so crippling sometimes that it’s good to be in control of your own annihilation. Dramatic pause as everyone tries to figure out wtf she’s talking about. Hilarious that she said that though, cuz this was pretty much the end of Medium’s reputation and she was totally in control of it. She is psychic, you guys!
Medium won’t shut up, and yammers on about being a secretary to the dead. The table’s like “ew secretaries” and Cam pipes up. “So, who IS Faye?” Ruh-roh. Silence. Kyle says she’s like a sister. Kim looks all sad. Poor Kim! She would kill to get that intro instead of her usual “that’s Kim, the chip my mom left me to carry on my shoulder and kick to sleep every night.”
Cam keeps insisting that she has no idea who Faye is….let me think….Harvard Law Review? No. Did she invent the Post it? No. The dancing whale that does those shows at Sea World and splashes you if you sit in the front row? No that’s not it…. Oh yeah! She’s the one who posed in Playboy after her best friend was murdered! That went over about as well as her Tanzanite story. Unfortunately, there’s no one here to lighten the mood by cheating on her with a stewardess and mocking her in front of all her friends. Where’s Frasier when you need him? Faye gives Cam a death stare, and everyone else is mortified that an ex stripper/porn star could be so tacky.
Cam tells us that she suddenly remembered Faye because of the extensions and the blown up lips. Oh, yes she did.
These? Or these?
Then Cam makes the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnik remark and shoots “I loved your spread. Literally.” across the table. Faye laughs it off and reminds Cam that she didn’t spread. She takes this pretty calmly and tries to laugh it off, but doesn’t add that Camille is the one with beaver shots all over Google Image. She’ll save her attack for later. Camille’s been causing fights on purpose with a bunch of tough rich bitches and actually thought no one had looked her up on Keez? I want to see the episode where one of the kids sits Shlemiel down and tries to teach her how to use the internet. It’ll be wacky!
Faye says she wanted to scream, but she controlled herself, leaving Kyle to bring up Cam’s Playboy past. Sure she did Playboy too, but it was just a …supplemental about ….lingerie. LOL. Fucking stupid liar. She not only assumes that Kyle’s a moron, she assumes we’re all morons. Assuming makes an ass out of you and ming. Now you know. THAT.
Cam also says that she met Kelsey when she did Playboy. She is trying to be a big badass but basically just told America that her drunk ass husband ordered her out of a skank catalogue. Sad horns. Do you guys know the square root of 87? Camille’s an asshole.
Cam justifies her hypocrisy by saying that she did it when she was younger and she earned her spread the old fashioned way: by blowing old guys behind the dumpster at Hooters to save enough money for the Brazilian that would land her beaver in the pages of her dad’s wank mag. She didn’t wait til one of her friends was murdered to cash in. I don’t necessarily disagree that Faye’s kinda gross for that, but she found a way to make her own money off a tragedy. She didn’t marry one. I have more respect for a ho who’s actually done things her own way than a ho who’s trapped a rich drunk to leech off of. What good is a Housewives show if it doesn’t make you feel morally superior? I’m better than Camille. I’m putting that on my resume.
The night wears on and Medium gets drunker and drunker…
Chong chong dinga dong dong dong dong
Cam tells us that the martinis weren’t that big, the editors just enlarged them for TV to make her look bad. And then comes the electronic cigarette. Kim and Kyle imitate her, and they’ve got her down. This episode has me laughing. My ass. OFF.
Cam argues that Medium was classy for using fake smoke to not be rude with real cigs, but Adrienne flat out says it was obnoxious. And that’s like the worst thing Ad has ever said about anyone, so shut up Shlemiel. MC Faye pushes Medium into giving Lisa a reading, and Cam is offended because she didn’t bring Medium to be a show pony. Really? Cuz she’s bragged about being a dead people secretary for hours now. You opened up this line of questioning, councillor. You can’t have it both ways.
Lisa does want a reading, but she doesn’t wanna know if Giggy’s sleeping around cuz it would crush her. Medium brags that she can talk to the dead but she can also pull other people’s thoughts. Thought tapping. Or mind grabbing. Soul sucking? I forget what she calls it. All the women know it’s a big fakey snaky lie cuz otherwise Medium would have asked them all to stop thinking the c word over and over again and wondering why she won’t buy extensions or a wig or something.
Medium can tell if someone has daddy issues. The camera focuses on Taylor as she rants on about this. Love you editors. Love you hard. Lisa wants a head tap, but Medium says that she’s just there to have fun and not work. Lisa won’t let her off the hook, cuz it’s like having a doctor at the party. Can you check my glands? Is my heart healthy? How do you solve a problem like Maria? I’ve heard about the birds and the bees but I’ve never known what that story meeeeans! Share your giiiiiift!
Lisa wants to know if her dead grandma is here, and Medium says grandma would be offended that she’s even asking that. Why? Grandma was liberal about stuff like this. “It’s not about politics.” HAHAHAH! What. A damn. FOOL. Grandma would be upset because Lisa should already know that she’s there. Lisa doesn’t get it, but that’s because she’s thinking and Medium is FEEEELING. Like taking a few aspirin, probably. Lisa over thinks things and doesn’t let herself feel. Lisa calls bs. Medium continues that grandma raised Lisa because her mom couldn’t and that’s why she can’t let her go. That’s all crap, so Lisa knows this woman is a fake. I’d like to think Patricia Arquette is under her bed sobbing “WHYYYYYYY?!!” right now. When she died at the end of Medium I actually cheered and shouted “KNOW THAT!”
Medium says that Lisa is only generous with her money and doesn’t show any emotion. Nope wrong again! Lisa calls her out, so Medium gets some more courage. That’s what we’re calling giant martinis tonight.
Medium insists that she’s been studied by scientists on Oprah in front of seventy million people and once you get a little of her, you want more! Well, you can say that again. I want this bitch on every show on TV. Someone tell Oprah that she’s got seventy million viewers so she’ll stop this OWN shit and keep her talk show up. She’s gonna be thrilled. Medium gets defensive after being wrong on everything she just said, so she sucks on her battery and says she’s off the clock. Kyle is annoyed now and says that she’ll whip out her credit card if she needs to. HA.
The girls keep taunting her, and she says “Don’t tempt me!” Why, whatever do you mean, Medium? Kyle’s ready to throw down, and Kim’s like oooooh nooooo. Cam warns them that Medium is all about truth and if someone’s husband is cheating, she’ll know! Which is obviously not true at all. Kyle wants to know something not scary, and Medium threatens to irritate her. Kyle isn’t skerd and dares her to go on. Has she been married twice? Yes. Well that’s good cuz she saw a divorce. This one will last, but it will be an unhappy marriage because Mauri will never fulfill her emotionally. KNOW THAT! HAHAH. I’d like to think that if Kyle had this pic on her she would have passed it across the table and said that she is being filled just fine, thanks.
Medium cackles as Kim covers her face and tries to hide. Taylor’s like “what dead person told her that?” HA. Cam says that no one deserves to hear that but it’s Kyle’s own fault. Cam thinks in hindsight that Medium was talking about Frasier. She could be right, cuz next Medium tells Kyle that she needs to try and get along with women and not just men, stop telling the world about her explosive ass syndrome, and try to have a baby without getting a nanny knocked up even if it messes up your creepy stripper body just for nature’s sake.
Cam has a chance to whine that women are catty to her, and Hair Friend says that women are insecure around her. Hey maybe that’s why they had problems in New York. Hair Friend knows all about how insecure Cam can make a girl feel.
Lisa, and America, says “NOT NEW YORK AGAIN!” Kyle says that possibly she got defensive on that one, and Medium slurshouts “You’re offensive.” HA. Then she farts out the theme to Steamboat Willie. Kyle insists that she had no ill intentions, and Camille ensures her that she didn’t tell Medium a thing about the fight. Faye calls bullshit, and Cam whines “That’s dismiiiiiiissing what I’m saaaaaaaaaying.” If you don’t wanna be dismissed all the time then stop coming to court with bad cases, dumdum. Yo yo MC Faye Resnik, I feeeeeel!
MC Faye says that if they were really friends, the normal thing to do would be to tell each other about girl fights. Medium is pissed now, asking if Faye is suggesting she’s lying about being friends with Cam. Um…yup. Pretty much. Someone get her a drink. Helps her keep up.
Medium yells that Cam can fight her own battles even if Kyle can’t. Then Cam starts shouting that MC Faye is obvs here to defend Kyle. Faye says “let’s be honest”, and Cam does that Cam arguing thing where she just says nonsense over and over really loudly so no one else can talk. Nanananananacan’thearyounananananana.
Stuff we’ve seen already: Kyle telling Camille she acts like a fake asshole, Camille whining that that’s how she iiiiiiiis, Kyle yelling that that’s who she’s pretending to be, Medium calling Kyle washed up and bragging that she’s had books written about her and by her and created Scientology and was the lead character inspiration for Silence of the Lambs and Bea Arthur won’t stop talking about lambchopsimthirstygetmamaadrnkkkkkkkkk
Now for “you’ve got two legs, last time I checked!” Taylor wonders if some ghost is under the table ready to cut off their legs. HA. Medium continues her lame putdowns, literally spewing “YOU are!” multiple times. As we saw before, it turns into mayhem with everyone screaming, then Kim and Taylor screeching at each other, until Taylor makes them all go home and Kim bumps into a plant. I will laugh every damn time I see that. This whole fight was ridiculous, horrible, mean and childish. But Camille had fun.
This is why God invented the kids’ table.
As the ladies get up to leave and Kyle exasperates “I’ve never had a problem with a woman like this in my life! I don’t get it!”, Cam puts on her “what’d I do?” face. Hilarious.
Did I give you the wrong impression? I liiiiiiike yoooooooooou! Horses! Erica Courtney!
But…you did call me a delusional bitch that time…
Ooooooooooook. I should go now.
Medium is left at the table making jerk off and fuck you signs. HA. MC Faye Resnick says it’s something a truck driver would do. Well, so are you. Let’s not just discount something cuz a truck driver would (and probably has done multiple times as you clawed your way to the middle) do it.
It may seem like she’s being crass, but she’s actually giving George Burns a handy right now. Aw!
Alone with Shlemiel and Hair, Medium keeps going on and on, cursing and saying she knows when Kyle will die and “I LOVE THAT ABOUT ME!” We’ve seen all this, but it’s too good to FF. Thank God I don’t, cuz Cam is back with new footage. She says that she would hope that Taylor would have stood up for her because she thought they were friends. After all, “Taylor was a good source of information for me.” Oooooh! Finally! She says Taylor took her up to that hotel room in NY and told her the ladies were planning an ambush. How paranoid are these women? They’re like the Nixon administration with slightly better noses and a little less hair on their backs.
I don’t know that Taylor said those words, cuz they’re insane, but obviously she said something and it’s nice to see her called out on it, even though this is the last chance to be confronted directly about it and no one can. Medium says that carnivores always eat each other so Cam should just back off and let the ladies figure out who else to eat. Um I think they’re all filled with silica, and that’s poisonous. Otherwise, it’s not a bad idea. She rants and raves about how those women will eat their young and calls Kyle a bitch multiple times and says she was that girl in high school who made girls kill themselves. Unfortunately, she didn’t go to Medium’s high school. Ugh. I would retype all this crap but this woman is fucking disgusting and she won’t. Stop. Taaaalking.
Kim is kicked out of the pack to ride in her own limo home. Poor thing hasn’t had a happy limo scene yet. Then for the famous: “If their children go missing…” line. I wouldn’t go to this faker if my keys went missing. If my kids went missing I’d go to her, but only to check her freezer. You know she’d turn them into fish sticks the second she got the chance. “Satan has many faces!” Then look into whatever Satan’s offering, girl, cuz one thing you need is more faces.
The ladies are tacky and they’re in a garbage of ruby and diamonds. Huh? She calls Kyle a bitch a few more times and gives a tiny “know that.” Medium profiles serial killers, so she knows that Kyle’s weak. LOL. Does Charlie Manson like musicals? Add something useful here, lady. Still ranting, she says that she’s seen the end of Kyle’s life and it’s super lonely. Then for the part where Cam insinuates that Mauri is banging half the town. He loves his nannies! And PS, Kyle doesn’t even have nannies. HAHAHAHHA. Any serial killers that she’s helped convict should all be set free immediately. She’s coo coo.
As Kyle ignores Kim’s call (POOR KIM! LOVE YOU!), Faye whips out pics of Cam in her pornos. The ladies laugh their asses off and pass them around. Ad asks “Is that a knee?” and is horrified when she realizes that Frasier fucks knee folds. Lisa is a little drunkles, and she wants to see the pics over and over. HAHAH. Cam asks why you would keep nude pics of someone you knew? Who wouldn’t? What better way to taunt your whore friends at parties?
Back at Frasier’s, Medium gives herself credit for sticking up for Shlemiel. Hair says that Cam can stick up for herself. Medium shouts that no she can’t, but Frasier could have. HA! Even Medium’s calling you a wuss! Medium puts the final nail in her own PR coffin by telling Camille that if she had had a gun, this would have been a different play. Wow. Medium probably really thinks this is a play.
In the limo, MC Faye is complaining about being set up as she passes around the porn on her bberry, which she totally set up. It’s like a CIA thriller. But with beaver shots instead of nuclear secrets. Lisa just slumps back drunk. HA. Medium gets the final insane word in: “She’s gonna have to live her life out, and I know what that is.” I LOVE THAT ABOUT MEEEEE! Watching a hard working faker lose her reputation over the course of two hours has been shamefully delightful. Thanks, Medium! When you’re waiting on me at IHOP, please remember to not look me in the eye. Don’t take it personally. I do that to all the waiters there. Service is better if you’re mean. Try it.
I don’t know that this show was worth a whole new recap, but damn it was a really fun last hour to the season. I will miss you girls! Even you, Shlemiel! Here’s hoping you find a completely new and interesting way to humiliate yourself on national TV next year! xo
As we leave, let’s ponder in amazement at Bobblehead Andy’s final fuck you to Medium:
Join me next week for the beginning of Real Housewives of Miami, and to check out the podcast I did with B-side about this week’s Housewives shows, check out the Housewife Hoedown podcast here.