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Sunday, November 7, 2010
2:19 am
54 Comments
For my fifth birthday, my mom invited a bunch of her friends to a park and told them to bring their kids. I was super pissed that I couldn’t sit with the adults and talk shit about people while chugging boxes of wine. Now, decades later, I’m pissed that my fifth birthday was in a park. If Real Housewives of Beverly Hills has taught me anything this week, it’s that my mother is a selfish monster. And probably a drunk. And thankfully, doesn’t know how to use the internet well enough to read these recaps.
We open with the sound of Taylor’s bony ass knees knocking up against each other as she walks down the street, avoiding as many restaurants as possible.
Jeeze. Get some padding. You sound like a police horse. Clop clop clop.
She tells us her brat is turning four soon, so it’s time for a giant party that costs more than her entire body did the first time around. Look how her mouth looks when she pronounces the word “four”, you guys. I hope this shit is close captioned, cuz lip readers won’t understand a thing she says.
Is she saying bus? Fire? Appendectomy? WHAT?
First stop is a jewelry store, cuz four is the age a girl gets her first important piece. Four years old is when a child should get its first spanking, not its first expensive piece of jewelry. That doesn’t come until you’ve had sex with your first older rich ugly guy, and you shouldn’t do that at least until you’re 15. What is the world coming to? Girls need to learn to earn that shit just like their sad drumfaced mommies did.
It’s hard not to instantly feel jealousy with this one. She’s shopping on Rodeo. As a kid I spent plenty of time at the rodeo. The poor person kind. It smelled like poop and spit out tobacco at that dump. I am an adult and understand that Rodeo and rodeo are different, but I can’t help but wonder if the inside of this place smells like poop and spit out tobacco, too:
Get some Glad plugins. They’re like five bucks.
There are some downsides to living in Los Angeles, but one of the reasons I can never live anywhere else is because here, old fat balding guys wear pink pants, rose colored glasses, and big necklaces over their collars. I don’t even need the beach.
Lots of “fabulous” “it was a gaaaas” and “yay diamonds for toddlers” fakeness being tossed around. If you’re gonna spoil your kid, get her something useful. Like some bladder control. Can you buy that?
Not yet. The future can’t come fast enough.
Taylor tells us “I’ve been with my jewelers for over five years.” LOL. Did they try to bang you on the first date? You’re in a super deep relationship with everyone you meet until you’re calling everyone you know drunk at the police station to come bail you out and not one of those motherfuckers PICKS UP THEIR PHONE. WE’VE BEEN TOGETHER FOR FIVE YEEEEARS!
Did you guys know that Barbie has a very exclusive collection? Me neither. Taylor oohs and ooohs. She might have ahhhed but her mouth was in the same formation as ooh so I can’t tell. “They didn’t have this when I was a little girl!” They also didn’t have butt fat to forehead injections back then, but look at you now! We’ve come a long way, America.
Honey, that woman with a lava lamp face who bought the zirconium pacifier from us last year is calling from jail.
EW! Don’t answer.
Taylor tells us about growing up an only child and never having been around babies before she had one. Motherhood is “a new concept for me.” I think she only bred to get the stem cells. She must have been shocked when she ended up with a four year old that wouldn’t let her stick needles in its spine to get youth juice every time she craved it. Right in front of our eyes, Taylor morphs from a caterpillar into a…caterpillar with an ever changing piehole.
The Evolution of a Piehole.
Those necklaces would be really cute to pick up at the airport for my niece for like five dollars because she is still into the “came out of a cereal box” look. But a thousand bucks? Fuck. Y’all.
For double the money, she could get her own with cognac diamonds! And don’t forget party favors for the guests! That jewelry guy is slick. They talk about how he just came back from winning a huge poker tournament and Taylor says she had no idea he was a poker type.
Your staff should all be wearing these necklaces too. And the pedestrians surrounding the party. Any animals? We have collars. Pick which shell the nut is under and if you get it right I give you half off, you pay me double if you lose. Wanna drink? They’re complimentary while you’re playing.
Taylor says that her folks gave her pretty special bday parties, but they were the “poor” version of special. She has to sleep with that gorilla backed a hole of a husband, and it’s all so Taylor can do things like drop six thousand bucks for jewelry for a goddamn baby. I HOPE IT’S WORTH IT.
Lisa’s kids are back home and she’s making a big dinner. Well, we didn’t see her make it exactly. But she carved some meat. I’d be kind of disappointed to learn that she cooked it. The kids are all grown, and they talk in the same cute way Lisa does. That accent always makes ignorant ass Americans like me giggle. I read all of the Harry Potter books, and don’t really know what even happened cuz my inside voice had that accent and I giggled through all eighteen thousand pages of it.
Lisa gives her daughter shit for not being married when she’s already four years older than Lisa was when she got married. Her husband says that the kid is too young, and Lisa was too. They laugh about it all now. Lisa doesn’t understand why her daughter wouldn’t want to be at her peak age alongside an old dude with lint hanging off his ear hair. Lisa’s a good mom.
Poor Leech has to serve dinner, of course. Guys like this are trouble. If the neighbors see, they’ll all dump their hard working maids and hire guys who work out a lot and wear tight shirts. There will be a Maid Depression.
I’m sorry, Romana. You’re fired.
Lisa did cook that giant meal! I’m impressed. And disheartened. The daughter’s name is Pandora. Rich people, please keep up with obnoxious child names. It makes it way easier to hate them when they’re on reality shows. So do these bangs, but I don’t blame Lisa for these:
I don’t know who this guy is, but I love him. Is he Pandora’s bfriend? Cuz girls with bangs like shouldn’t get guys like this. It sends the wrong message. Bad bangs are not ok, kids. When you’re rich you have no excuse to wear blue eyeshadow and frosted hair, k? You’re welcome.
In. LOVE.
The convo turns to Lisa’s son Max, who’s 18 and off living with his godmother for his last year of high school to go to private school where he can’t smoke pot and ditch class. Supposedly. I put my parents through the exact same things, and I’ve got the permanent black rings under my eyes to show for it. I wish I had been sent off to private school! We had really shitty weed in my town.
Max was adopted, and Lisa says that he’s always struggled with the fact that he was plopped into a family of over achievers. You need to threaten him with abandonment and getting put in the system. Show him White Oleander and make him appreciate what he’s got and stop fucking it up. Behave yourself or Rene Zellweger will kill herself and it will be all your fault.
Leech puts a giant wine glass in front of his face to show us what he would look like with Taylor’s mouth.
Max wants to go to get in the music biz, and he’s demanding to go to school on Sunset Boulevard. Daddy Vanderpump sees no reason why anyone would go to seedy ass Hollywood unless it was for hookers, blow, or a decent Bed Bath and Beyond binge. Lisa knows how toxic Hollywood is. At least in Beverly Hills you can contain your toxidity with credit cards and pool houses.
Sit, toxidity. Roll over, toxidity. Do some pushups.
Adrienne isn’t just a multi-million dollar business woman, she’s also a mom. Which is why she cries at night when no one can hear her and rips the skin off her thumb from grinding her index finger against it. She looks straight at us and says “being a mom? Hardest job in the world.” I can top that, actually:
Having to deal with mothers of small kids is the hardest job in the world. This poor Chef doesn’t even flinch as the kids whine about chocolate milk and throw their food on the ground. Just to see if he can get Buddha Chef to crack, one of the brats does this:
Paul can’t take the kid screeching, so he leaves the table and goes to pretend he’s throwing little boy heads through a basket.
Adrienne says that he can’t deal with them, but she’s got patience. Then she’s the one we can all blame when one of those kids shoots up heroin and robs a liquor store just cuz it’s fun. Children need to get beat. Ephedra from Real Housewives of Atlanta isn’t right about much, but she hit that nail on the head with the whole child rearing thing. Chef laughs, cuz Adrienne trying to pretend she spends all day with those little heathens is too damn funny not to laugh.
A night to myself. I’m going to sit in the dark, in silence, and pretend I’m not those kids’ real mom until morning.
Camille is getting ready for a trip to Hawaii with her kids and it’s really stressful. First, she has to tell her House Manager that she wants to go. Then the House Manager has to organize people. Then those people do things, and they hire other people to do things. It may not seem like Camille has to do much, but there’s an entire economy built around hookers who hit the jackpot in LA, ok? She’s giving BACK. She has a “meeting” about the trip where she holds a pencil incorrectly and shudders at the thought of gathering enough strength to even get out of bed the morning of the trip.
This thing doesn’t work. I’m exhausted from trying to figure out how to color with this.
Camille complains about how hard it is being her, and without Frasier there it’s like ten times as hard because there’s not someone else’s palatable personality to deflect her Shlemiel-ism. Sure, the other women on this show have a lot on their plates, but it seems like she’s always got thirty percent more on hers. Is she fucking KIDDING? Bravo needs to start giving their cameramen squirt guns, cuz people like this shouldn’t be allowed to just open their stupid mouths with no repercussions. If I were on a plane right now, I’d take Frasier’s peen out of his pants and shove it into the first stewardess that passed. Camille deserves nothing less.
Insufferable Blowhard Syndrom
She asks if the pool in Hawaii is heated. No, but her hot tub is. F the kids. They can swim in the ocean. Frasier’s hot tub will remain unheated because otherwise they’d be wasteful. She’s so green. Signs that even your own husband can’t stand your stupid ass: separate hot tubs. The House Manager, who has to at least laugh on the inside every time she tells someone her job is dealing with the heaps of Camille’s bullshit, good naturedly jokes “It’ll be ok. It’s a trip to Hawaii.” She’s right, but still. I don’t approve of poor people having lines on this show. Including ex poor people. Which is why I will never believe a word that comes out of Shelemiel’s mouth. When she’s done talking about the zillions of dollars of Cheers money she’s blowing while complaining, she laughs in that “so I fucked Satan in college and will spend my afterlife chained to a burning trash can in Hell, what do you care?” kind of way.
Before our vomit starts deteriorating our TV screens, let’s move on to Taylor’s kid’s bday. Yawn. She’s spending a trillion dollars on it. Her good friend is the party planner. I’m sorry, but you don’t give “good friends” twelve grand to pick out some napkins, k? The party will be at The Houdini Mansion, because tying a bunch of little girls up and seeing if they can get unknotted before they drown isn’t dangerous, it’s rebellious and fresh and all the kids who live will be talking about that party for years to come. Taylor has, of course, invited everyone she was contractually obliged to Bravo to invite, but Kyle can’t come because she’s having a bday party for her brat on the same day. SNAPPLE: I Might Not Be as Rich as You But My Husband’s Nice and My Hair is Studied By Pharmaceutical Corporations Flavor.
Quick sidenote, did you guys watch Watch What Happened Live: The Bobblehead Hour? Kyle was on there with Izaac Mizrahi, who was so damn rude. He didn’t seem to know who she was and then had the gumption to diss plastic surgery, asking (about the BH Housewives) “who do those women think they’re fooling?” Well, Kyle probably wanted to rip your throat out with her crowns, but you can’t tell by looking at her so I would say they’re fooling plenty of queens, thank you very much. I know that I spend hours and pages ragging on these women, but I love every one of them in their own way and I didn’t like watching him diss them. He could just be lashing out cuz he needs to make a splash after his show was only brought back because Iman was lured into breathing actual life into it. I didn’t realize how angry I was about the whole thing until I read back that last paragraph to myself. It might be time to get out of the house for awhile. LOL just kidding that will never happen. Moving on.
Kyle is having a….less expensive event. Her planner only costs three grand, and she doesn’t have to call him one of her best friends. He’s not any less talented than Taylor’s planner, he’s just fatter and fat people still don’t earn salaries equal to thin people.
Ya ever heard about a thing called a pinata? They’re all the rage these days. Potato sack race? How bout that game where you send the kids out in a park to see who can collect the most bottle caps?
Taylor offered to combine the parties, but Kyle’s a control freak and wanted to prove her husband had money too plan her own party. She makes sure the kid’s food is gonna be good, which is not how you throw a party. Who cares what they eat? Mush up some glass with some chocolate milk mix and send them on their way. They aren’t the ones comparing your ass to Taylor in the carpool line on Monday. Wait. These women don’t run their own carpools, do they? How do they spread information? This shit is mysterious. Budget Poor People Party Planner is gonna make french fries and hamburgers, and it’s only gonna cost three grand. Those patties better be made of golden veal fetuses, Budget Poor People Party Planner!
Cut back and forth between party planning. Taylor’s having alcohol and a full on adult party, Taylor’s against drunk parents and everyone’s getting Capri Suns. Taylor’s got flights on real spaceships, Kyle’s giving piggy back rides on Kim away. Taylor’s spending a third world economy, Kyle’s cashing in some AmEx miles and taking her change to Coinstar machines. You get the drift.
This is way too much about the children. Let’s go to Hawaii and see if each individual soul has been sucked out yet. Camille looooooves Hawaii! She loooooves it so much! I don’t think Hawaii feels the same way about her, cuz it’s doing its best to bloody her feet up right now.
Walking is so haaaaard!
Hey there little boy. Do you like sports?
Camille has tons of money and homes, which is a lot of pressure. That’s why she’s already ditched the kids and taken her sacks of saline to the beach.
If it makes you guys feel any better, we think your mom’s an asshole, too.
We get a glossy tour of her Hawaii manse, and unless it’s on fire with her in it I really don’t care. Her stringy haired friend comes over and tries to start some shit talk about how Camille really need some time away from Frasier’s snoring, all about me all the time ass. Back in NY, Camille was a real go getter, and she’s lost that! Hey, Stringy Haired Friend. She went out and got herself the biggest boobs on the market and hundreds of millions of dollars. What have you gotten lately? Besides split ends.
Camille was happy to have Fras gone at first, cuz she didn’t have to listen to him snoring all night… in the next room over. LOL. Camille really makes frigidity look fun. Her entire marriage has been dedicated to Frasier’s sobriety, and Camille has changed her whole existence to take care of her man. Oh wah. How do you think it was for him, trying to sober up with the biggest excuse to drink sitting next to him day in and day out bitching about his snoring? “I kept him sober for twelve years.” No, HE kept HIMSELF sober for twelve years. You just made him want a drink. And of course, no, I wasn’t there. But I’ve known her for about four hours now and I want to just poke my toe and slowly bleed out every time she’s on screen.
Stringy Hair Friend talks about how great Camille is while House Manager sits there silently. The awesome thing about not having plastic surgery is that people can actually tell what you’re thinking just by looking at you.
Bitch, please.
It’s Lisa’s birthday! Happy day, girl! Glad you were born! If only because I can’t wait til the inevitable moment you snap and put a stiletto in Camille’s playdo nose. She is forgoing the giant party and just getting together for lunch with her family. I like Pandora because she’s Lisa’s kid and right now I like everything Lisa, but I’m not liking Leech too much. It’s his responsibility as the gay of the family to not let things like this happen:
Pandora gives her a picture of her as a baby. Ken looks like an old dude even way back then. No wonder there house smells like stain remover. He probably leaks like a grass roof in a flash flood.
Pandora and Ken have brought in a special surprise for Lisa. Max! The troubled youth! Even if we didn’t know he was a angry young stoner already, we’d know something was off with this one cuz he can’t stop staring at Lisa’s rack.
I’ve missed you guys!
Lisa says that she’s Max’s real mom even if he is adopted and duh obviously that’s how it should be. I just hope she doesn’t say “Just because you’re not mine doesn’t mean I don’t love you!” too much, cuz she’s said variations of that throughout this episode and that can be a real confidence killer. The family is planning on taking him to check out the dirty skanky sinful music school in Hollyhell, and Lisa’s not to thrilled. Max made his own guitar from scratch, though. That shows serious ambition. It’s also a sign of a serious pothead. Just saying. One time I made a statue of the Virgin Mary out of boogars and belly button lint. That doesn’t mean I should be a priest. Or should I? This show is really turning me on my head.
Point is, Lisa is super supportive of Max, and she tries to talk him into believing in himself. His first words were “I can’t”. AW. Is that true? My first words were “EW BOOBIES GET THEM AWAY!” I guess people never really change. Lisa is a good mom, and it’s too weird for me liking and respecting a Bravo Housewife this much so I’m glad this scene is over.
WIVES 27286 PLZ stop mkng that face ur scring me. luv
Let’s check in with Camille! She’s spending quality time with her kids. By kids I mean way too big fake boobs. And also some old fat guy is there. I understand putting yourself in this situation if you’re looking for your old fat guy to take care of you for the rest of your life, but this? This is just selfishness. Give the other strippers a chance.
Puff puff give.
Fat Old Guy is an “old friend”, and he hangs with Shlemiel and Stringy Haired Friend in the hot tub, going on and on about how hot Camille is. She says that she only hangs out with people who kiss her ass, and I have a feeling she’s not kidding. She quickly turns the conversation into being about how much she has helped these two leeches. UGH. Who does that? Help out your pauper friends and then bring it up in Hawaiian hot tubs? What an asshole. Stringy Hair Friend’s husband lost her job, so Camille gave her one of Frasier’s houses and one of his cars. It’s just in her nature to be a giver! She takes from a rich guy and gives to her poor friends. What the fuck are you, the government? Stop giving poor people cheese and liters of Cokes, Camille. They’re clogging up the streets.
Robin Hooch
She says that giving to her friends “is what completes me.” She’s like Tom Cruise and Frasier’s stolen money is like Rene Zellweger. Two times in one week? Rene Z, get out of my recap!! Fat Old Guy and Stringy Hair Friend both blab on about how generous Camille is. This is just fucking painful to watch. Speaking of painful, whose boobs are grosser? Camille’s giant fake ones or Fat Old Guy’s giant real ones?
Camille says she has a Jesus complex. LOL. If Jesus had a rack like that he’d probably still be alive today and turning water into filtered water, cuz we’re way lamer these days. What do you want to bet that her “generosity” ends when she’s stuck with only half of Frasier’s dough? As the convo ends, Camille says that God (NBC and a manager trying to find a stripper babysitter for his addict client) has blessed her as Stringy Hair Friend looks sadly down at her own tiny real boobs.
God I hate that bitch. But I hope she’s got a new car for me. That other one’s like five years old.
Ken wraps Lisa in Seran Wrap from head to toe and they head to the pits of hell: Hollywood. They’re checking out the Musician’s Institute. There are practice rooms full of kids playing music and Lisa looks like she wants to throw up. Unfortunately, she’s only had about 600 calories all week and her bones absorbed them immediately. Bones are greedy. The guy showing them around insists that they have a no tolerance drug policy ( HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH) and Lisa tries to buy that sack of horseshit. Do sober people even make music? Besides, even if he went to regular college there would be drugs everywhere. You know where the best weed is? Private schools far away from parents. Max is a little mortified at his mom’s questions, but he gets up the nerve to play guitar for the guy and he’s kinda good! He has a rhythm problem, but in his defense he’s as white as a nun’s butt and he’s got British parents.
Lisa is actually kinda thrilled with the school, or she at least pretends to be on the way home. Her parents let her follow her dreams of going to drama school and then marrying a rich old guy, so she hopes for the same happiness for her kid. I just hope his old guy has a good weed hookup, cuz he’ll need one at that school. You guys, have you noticed how hot Lisa’s butt is? Dang, girl! Show that thing off more often!
We haven’t seen Kim and Kyle fight about dumb shit yet, so let’s get to it. Kim found a house! The way they were talking about finances I thought she’d end up at a Best Western. It’s big, but it’s kinda ghetto for this show. Is that Silverlake? Cuz I can’t believe Andy Cohen would sign off on Silverlake. Too many ironic t-shirts to confuse his bobblehead ass.
Kyle gets frustrated with Kim a lot, but she’s totally capable of taking care of her kids, thank you very much. Now let’s watch her try to turn on the oven. LOL. She can’t do it. Her kids can’t either. At least this family’s consistent. Over at Kyle’s place, last minute bday preparations. She’s running around trying to get stuff done and Kim calls. Nope, can’t get their early to help cuz she’s moving today. HAHAHA. Of course she is. Kim likes to give Kyle reasons to beat her. It’s a sick circle with those two. Kyle makes Kim talk slower, but then the doorbell rings so she hangs up on her. HAHAHAHAH. I could watch these two all day. Just move on and finish what you can, girl. For starters, you could try to get the guest of honor to act like less of an asshole.
This is why God invented fly swatters.
Keep that attitude up and you’ll end up here:
Kids give birth and throw their kids away at prom in Beverly Hills, too. They’re just nicer trash cans.
Over at the Houdini Estate, Taylor’s lavish, expensive dickish party is getting ready to roll. Her best gay shows up to call her pretty and assure her that her face doesn’t look like the bottom of a used sterno. His name? DWIGHT. Come oooon! Not another one! The original one still keeps me up at night.
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
The party is beautifully obnoxious, as expected. Taylor went all out. She even got some really scared Asian help, which is totally in right now.
You know these guys are getting paid less than the cost of a quarter of a flower swan, right?
The kid is brought out to see her mom’s He May Be a Dick, But He’s a Rich Dick party setup. The look on her face says that she’s definitely from her father’s sperm.
Fuck this noise. I’m going to Scottsdale er Phoenix er Paris. Don’t wait up.
Taylor oohs and ahhs as she shows her sixty thousand bucks spread all over the backyard, but the kid just wants to go to her room and refuses to take a picture with her mom. Taylor shoves her off to her nanny and starts posing for the photographer. HAHA! Atta girl. It’s either beat her or get a portfolio you can photoshop later and send yourself back to puberty again, if only on paper. Right choice.
Screw her.
Screw her.
Poor Kennedy just had to get out of there because last time her mom did this, a table broke and Kennedy was bloody and traumatized.
I want to be friends with Kennedy. I used to think everything was a load of crap when I was that age. I want her to see that there’s still a chance of growing up happy and well rounded. HAHAHAH kidding. I want to bum cigs from her.
Push harder or I’m firing your ass and getting a new mother, heifer.
Wanna watch Camille paddleboard? Me neither. Unless there’s a guest star.
You’re on, buddy. Work your magic.
Kyle’s party! The pricetag pops up, and it’s a measly twelve grand. Descamisado. She spent it all on the kids, though, which is a waste of money respectable.
Now let’s find an empty stall and snort some sugar off each other’s butts.
Lisa stops by to ooh and ahh and tell us that her kids grew up in the English countryside and got some stale bread crusts and smelly cheese for their bdays. Kennedy comes out to act like a spoiled little brat, and Lisa takes it good naturedly while the rest of America throws something at their kids’ heads to remind themselves that they can.
I’ve got the number for a school you might like to attend, dahling.
Taylor tells us that someone like Lisa would be happy going out and buying herself twenty pairs of shoes, but Taylor’s happier doing something special for her child. Damn that was kinda harsh, but you can see what she means. She’s spent lots of shoe money on turning herself into a Mr. Potato Head. Must have been for Kennedy. That’s a toy that never goes out of style.
Mommy loves you honey! Don’t take off my mouth! I won’t be able to wemebbywrungbagmamoooout!
The party’s ridic. Dwight tries to make conversation with Russell, but he never brings up cheating or Phoenix or possible emotional abuse, so what’s the point? Taylor needs a better gay. Russell wants to eat, so Taylor makes him gather everyone. He wanders around muttering “time to eat” over and over like Rain Man, and then Taylor gives a speech about how grateful she is to have enough mommies to get drunk with her on her brat’s special day. YAY. Someone needs to fight. I’m bored. Adrienne looks sad. Or terrified. Or thrilled. I can never tell with her.
Put a mirror under her nose and make sure she’s still with us.
Kyle’s hot husband tells us what a good mom Kyle is, and we watch them take cute family pics that don’t involve standing on tables pretending they’re in a high school production of Hello, Dolly! He’s fine with whatever the bill is, he just wants to make sure the donkeys from the petting zoo aren’t gonna shit all over the yard. HA. Lisa shows up and says that she finally feels comfortable. Kim shows up late, of course, and this starts some fun dirty sister looks and then a little snippy fight. Who can even pay attention to this when Ken’s putting the moves on who he thinks is Taylor right in front of everyone?
Over at Taylor’s, there’s a band to sing a song to Kennedy! She might be a spoiled brat, but her taste level is right on.
Get me the hell out of here before I stick a sparkler up Pocahontas’ ass.
Uncaaaalled fooooor! That was uncaaaalllled foooooor!
Taylor brushes the attitude off as “she was overwhelmed by having her own theme song.” Pretty sure she hates you and everything you stand for, but I’m not a professional. Taylor presents the diamond Barbie necklace to Kennedy, who looks scared. I think it’s more of this face than the jewelry.
Say thank you before mommy swallows you whole.
But wait! There’s more! Russell has a giant gift! I’m guessing he wrapped one of the Asians up to keep. Darn. It’s a dog. They agreed that they wouldn’t get her a dog! He laughs about how she said no and he did it anyway. Shocker. Who cares? Was he in Phoenix or Scottsdale! At the end of the day, everyone leaves and Kennedy is left holding hands with her parents. It’s the only time she’s smiled all day. GO FIGURE.
Next week, Kyle tells Camille that she’s a lying sack of shit! And hopefully there will be no children involved! Unless they’re there to fuck Camille. I mean play sports with Camille. Thanks for being here! See you next time!
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54 Comments
I’m up early because of the time change. Great recap. You hit all the parties. I can’t stand Camille’s head bobble when she talks to the camera. The cameraman(of this show) and that old guy spends way too much time staring at the FAKE boobs. I’m not sure I would have a petting zoo at a childeren’s party because of cleanliness. Tayor’s parting looked like an adult’s party with childern as a side show.
Great recap! I kept thinking about Russell’s Arizoning during “Kennedy’s party” too! Taylor showed us the price tag of her marriage and Russell showed her his trump card: power. Camille is obnoxious! She makes Jill and the Countess from RHONY look like nuns!
Yikes, Flipit! The Evolution of a Piehole scared me so much I’m afraid to go to bed now!! Guess if I keep reading I’ll find something equally as funny that will help me forget the freakshow!
Oh Flipit! I should have known you would catch the way the scene in the hot tub was edited to make it appear that Camille’s friend was NOT blessed by God! Love it!
Aaaand – I’m done! Awesome, as usual! I love Lisa but can’t figure out why she doesn’t tell Pandora to FIX HER HAIR! Camille is just ridiculous. She does make good fodder for your recaps, though!
Ok – I am on the lookout for an adam’s apple on Taylor. She seriously looked like a drag queen in the beginning of the show. She has no curves, thighs, or waist. I know she’s skinny but geez.
I actually felt a little sorry for her when her big reveal fell flat. Russell once again screwed her over (not literally either). I know 4 is a bit too young for nice jewelry but I think it was coming from a good place. She had wonderful memories of her Grandma giving her jewelry when she was younger. She seems so sad and pathetic. I have a hard time hating her too much. I think Russell actually hates her – he’s controlling, condescending, and cruel. She needs to move on.
I watched WWH with Kyle and Isaac and I think she mumbled that her party was closer to 15k or more. They had stated 12k on the show. So ridiculous!
I love Lisa! I hope Max doesn’t cause problems. He’ll have a lot of viewers out to get him. I was so touched by the scene in the restaurant when she teared up. Her daughter needs a new hairstyle though… very distracting.
Camille – meh. She’s a hot mess and the worst part, she’s the only one who doesn’t know it. I feel sad for her kids, except they are probably better off. That poor sycophant Dede (?), I hope it was worth it.
Bravo Flipit! (See what I did there).
Fantastic recap. My daughter just turned 6 and her father and I glanced at each other nervously that evening because we had failed to plan a $60,000 party for her. So we begrudgingly dragged her and her 2 year-old brother to Chuck E. Cheese. *shudder* The only difference between my party and Taylor’s was the alcohol content…..oh, and my kid actually had fun. (I spent $10 on tokens…yes, I’m a high roller). We were there for an hour, she got a balloon (and a full bath in Purell) and was happy as hell.
Oh and last year we had her party at a park….oh shit.
” If I were on a plane right now, I’d take Frasier’s peen out of his pants and shove it into the first stewardess that passed. Camille deserves nothing less.”
This explains why the new model is a schlumpy, sweatpant,messy hair wearing, normal-looking jane!!! Kelsey went for the exact opposite of his plastic (albeit, pretty rocking body) wife.
Oh, pandora’s bf is sooo freaking fine! He looks like Prince William with hair!
Does Pandora us Vanderpump-Todd or just Todd as a last name? I hope it’s the former and that she adds yet another hyphen when she marries, hopefully an athelte: Pandora Vanderpump-Todd-Tinoisomoa.
That pencil that Camille held incorrectly, wasn’t even sharpened. I don’t know where her standards are. Either the house manager or prop manager should be pink slipped for that oversight.
HATE, HATE, HATE CAMILLE. I HATE CAMILLE and her sanctimonious bullshit. Her friends must have had to been really bad off to turn to her for help. When they were all sitting in the hot tub her one friend- the one she let live in our of her houses- could barely hid the look of disgust. She is such a fucking idiot. I am so busy. I am so busy. So busy doing absolutely nothing. There is no way in hell- I don’t care how much money she has- that I could be in the same room as Camille and not end up punching her in the face. I could not deal with how fake she is. No wonder she doesn’t have any close girlfriends.
Why do this women have kids? Why ruin another person’s life? These women are raising a generation of Patrick Batemans. The Cuntess was right- money can’t buy you class.
Love, LOVE, LOVE Lisa. She ranks right up there with the likes of Kandi and Lynda.
A comment made on a earlier recap said that Taylor and her husband are facing finanical problems. After watching this birthday episode it is easy to see why that is. I am sure that she got some of that shit for free because the companies appeared on the show, but I am sure that she had to pay for a majority of the crap at her daughter’s party. Also I can believe that she is so out of touch with her daughter that she didn’t realize how uncomfortable that whole situation made her daughter.
Actually nevermind. She probably didn’t care. After all she did run aroud prior to the party taking pictures of herself in that ridiculous pink hat while her daughter sat in a swing with the nanny. Why have kids all you are going to do is let someone else raise them? Why even bother? Get a fucking dog. Also it was very telling when that Taylor got upset about her husband giving her daughter a dog. Saying that she felt her gift was over shadowed by the dog- like it a fucking competition. It is all about Taylor. And that comment revealed just how little self esteem she really has- I feel bad for her kid.
Also I love how the kids were given champagne glasses to drink out of. Nothing like starting them on the road to addiction at an early age.
Even though Kyle spent way too much money on her daughter’s party. Although again- I doubt that she paid that party planner dude because he got a ton of screen time wearing that ugly truckers cap with the name of his business on it. But even though her party was just as ridiculous- it did seem to be more family oriented than Taylor’s party.
I laughed out loud when Taylor made the comment about Lisa being selfish. And then Lisa is shown as a loving and caring mother and seems to be very close to both her children and her husband. Look in the mirror Taylor. The selfish one is you. I am not sure how they convince anyone to go on these shows b/c the editors love to highlight how delusional these women really are.
Okay back to the recap. I had to stop to comment. I was about to bust. Flipit- I am so happy that you are recapping this show. You are perfection!
@Bridget Miller — you wondered why these women had children? It’s called child support and a dog won’t get your plastic ass $50,000 a month. Taylor and Camille are not dumb gold diggers, and they know that to get the real money they needed spawn. Especially Taylor who I suspect signed a pre nup so awful she probably would leave the marriage owing Randall (or whateverdouches name is) money.
BridgetM: You know, I was actually feeling bad for Taylor, in that “I Cringe For You”, sort of way before she went and took that shot at Lisa. The way she said it, trying to make Lisa sound as awful as possible–just, UGH.
Oh Camille, Patron St. of IBS. Your generous deeds know no bounds. It’s like she genuinely does not realize, that when you have 5+ homes and you let homeless friends stay in one of your empty houses, you aren’t bending over backwards with your charity. It was a kind gesture, yes. Camille=Mother Theresa, no.
In regards to the comment made my Taylor about Lisa buying shoes instead of spending on her kids, she said this:
“I cannot fathom spending $50,000 on a four-year-old’s birthday, and caught the remark from Taylor that I would maybe rather spend it on shoes. Well actually, darling, if you happen to read this, I work too hard for my money to be as whimsical or downright stupid as that.”
Hahaha. Taylor got owned!
@Matt, I saw that Lisa said that too. Taylor should know better than to make such a low blow against a woman like Lisa!
@Jeanine: She’ll cut a bitch.
@Matt: she’d even cut Oprah.
@Matt and k37744…Word!!!
Not done with the (amazing, as always) recap just yet but HAVE to add something to the Pandora’s hair discussion – forget the bangs, what was that like, little poof thing on the top of her head? It looked like she forgot to take a hot roller out or something…I thought it was just an “Oh, I’m at home helping out with dinner so I don’t care what I look like just need to get hair out of my face” thing but then later at the restaurant she was sportin’ the same style! Sorry no idea why this stuck out in my mind so much, LOL.
Love Lisa and her family. The dinner she made looked amazing. Also Camille is ridiculous, it’s hard to believe she’s even a real person. If she was hoping for the symapthy vote with this show she could officially kiss it goodbye after her “boo-hooing” over being so “overworked” in this episode. Seriously, way to make the country’s real hardworking folks (rich or not) truly despise you Camille.
Camille thinks she is soooooo busy and has soooo much on her plate? She doesn’t know what it means to be tired. Out of all of the “Housewives” shows, she has to be the most shallow of any of the wives. Me, me, me is all she thinks about!
She contributes nothing to the nurturing of her children, does nothing for those around her, does nothing to earn one dime she spends and does nothing to contribute to the benefit of anyone but herself. I do not see how any of those nannies, office managers, maids etc. can stand to work for her or even be around her.
Love Lisa and props to Kyle for making her child a peanut butter sandwich in the midst of the party chaos. Nice to see a mom being a mom and NOT dumping their child on a nanny while they pose for ridiculous pictures of themselves!
Love, love Lisa. She proves that being a decent housewife isn’t boring. I despise Kyle the most. She has bullied her sister Kim in every single episode. Kim is obviously troubled, fragile, unstable (drinking?) but this vile sister is the sadist who so hatefully martyrs herself (“..my mother told me on her deathbed to help my sister”) I say: run, Kim, run! Go to rehab and when you get out, stay away from that Witch who abuses you and makes excuses for it in the name of love.
the more I watch Camille, the more I believe that the RHBH editors have to be working with Kelsey and his divorce lawyers. I can’t fathom a person much less a mother being so out of touch with reality. She’s beyond delusional.
Is Adrienne not allowing her kids’ faces to be shown on TV? The cookout scene seemed to be filmed oddly, no close-ups, the boys had their backs to the camera most of the time. And they were wearing those baseball hats the whole time.
If so, good for her. Probably can’t be too careful with all that money.
Continuing my love affair with the wonderful recappers on this site!As I have said before, Flipit…Flipit Real Good! (with apologies to Salt n Pepa)
Okay, WTF? Taylor, seriously, children’s birthday parties are FOR CHILDREN!!!!! Not for you and and a bunch of freeze dried, anoxeric, saline bags to sit around and congratulate yourselves for parting your vajayays long enough to let out the future reasons why you get to keep the house. All that mad hattery bullshit and that douchebag she married still gets to show how little he cares about her opinion by getting a puppy.
And for all those of faith, forget Jesus, Mohammed,Vishnu, etc – we have a new religious figure of wonder: St. Camille. We will be celebrating her ascension to the right hand of God at church this Sunday. It will be held at the Church of Latter Day Delegation of Household responsibilities on the corner of Rodeo Drive. Seriously, that bitch made me change the station after listening to how exhausting it is to have someone else do something as simple as make a phone call. And yes, mizz fake modest head bob, we do think you have hired people to blow smoke up your bony ass.
Lisa and Kyle – you’re both pretty (not really) so stop fighting! (not really) I think by the time Christmas rolls around, we are going to see actual knife play with those two. It was funny when Kyle hung up on her – I felt her on that one.
Love Lisa and her lavish life, her barnacled gay, her adorably named kids and silly doting husband. And I like Adrienne – I can watch ridiculously rich folks who seem to be a bit more real than the OC bitches.
@ollybeau: That’s a good point. I was wondering about the baseball hats but yes, now I realize that I never did get to see their faces. Maybe the camera crews stayed because that bratty one kept breaking the fouth wall. lol
I was also surprised by their ages. I read that Adrienne was 49, so I guess I was shocked that all of her children are under 10. So does that mean that her marriage to Paul is fairly new? (less than 10 years?)
@LAC: OMG, I totally go to that church! Please visit us this coming Sunday. And don’t forget to bring a donation for the Building Fund.
@ohralphie: I was thinking that is why these women decided to have kids, but I was hoping that the kids weren’t born because these women are greed bitches. But what you said makes complete sense. Their kids are going to grow up to be complete psychos- or angry, depressed, sad, greedy, drug addicted- well most likely they are going to go up to be fucked up in some way. If you aren’t willing to do your best for your child then don’t bother having kids. These women probably think that their money is going to make everything okay for their kids, but money is only going help with some of their problems.
@Bionic: Oh my god I was thinking the same thing. I was looking at Pandora’s hair and at first I couldn’t understand what was going on. I couldn’t believe that she looked in the mirror thought that her hair looked good and then went out looking like she was starring in- There’s Something About Mary, Part 2. Sorry for the obvious joke. But her hair looked crazy. Flipit’s right- Lisa’s gay needs to start earning his keep and should have fixed Pandora’s hair.
@LAC- Camille is kind of like Jesus. Her kids were kind of an immaculate conception. She didn’t have to have sex in order for them to be born. Maybe she is a Saint. Ugh. She makes me sick. If it wasn’t for Kelsey she would not have the lavish life that she lives. Well she might have ended up wrangling another rich guy into marrying her, but she should thank her lucky stars for everything that she has in her life. Not sit around complaining that she has so much to do- she should actually bother to give something back. I couldn’t believe that she thinks that she has 30% more to do than the other housewives- she doesn’t even bother in raising her own children. God she is awful.
I was thinking the same thing about Taylor- the party is not about you. It is for your kid and it was apparent that her child was not enjoying the party at all. I know that it was too late to cancel the party, but Taylor could have at least gone and talked to her kid. Instead she sends her off with the nanny and then proceeds to take pictures of herself. The kids weren’t really incorporated in with the party- they were shoved off to the side, so that the adults could have their own party. The party was for Taylor. She reminded me of Danielle- when she threw a party to celebrate Christine getting the cover of a magazine and Christine wasn’t even at the party.
@Skatt: I kind of feel bad for Taylor as well because it is obvious that she has absolutely no self esteem, but she pisses me off more than anything because if she doesn’t handle on her raging insecurities. She is going to end up putting all of her neuroses onto her kid and that kid is going to grow up having the same insecurities as Taylor. It makes me mad how these women treat their kids.
What is wrong with Camille!
If there was some other woman fishing for graphic compliments on her physique from my man I would have gotten out of the hot tub real quick and checked them both in a not very nice way.
Pandora’s hair was representing the lollipop guild totes.
“As I have said before, Flipit…Flipit Real Good! (with apologies to Salt n Pepa)”
I tend to skip over words when I read, so when I read this I read “Flipit and Flipit good” (no apologies to Devo, but do know all the words to that song)
Hi, Classy! LOL! Yes, I have done the DEVO version before with Flipit. And yes, I have dated myself too…
Robin Hooch! Just wet myself…kind of like Camille!
I can’t believe Camille thinks she’s so generous because she let her best friend stay in one of her empty houses when she was broke. Who wouldn’t do that? “Yeah…you’re totally my bff of 20 years and you’re homeless and I have like 10 empty houses just lying around but, noooo…you can’t stay in one.” What’s not very gracious is going on national tv and talking about all your friends problems so you can make yourself look good, er, retarded. And does she think she works 30% more than Adrienne? UGH. Frasier must be a total asshole to be married to her for so long.
So if I read the gossip correctly, didn’t Camille hear through a friend about Kelsey? And on this weeks episode Adrienne gets a disturbing phone call… hmmmm wonder if this is how Cam finds out?
I am also excited for the upcoming episode where Kyle goes after Kim in the Limo- over the top of Lisa and her husband…Yay!
Wow, Taylor sure is good at spending her douchey husband’s money! Although I think these two totally deserve each other, I think her comment about being surprised that Russell spent as much time at the party as he did really proved that the party was not about her daughter. Wouldn’t a normal 4 year old expect that her dad would be at her party, and a normal mother plan so that he could be there, even if it was girly-themed? Well, there’s nothing normal about these shows. I did get some guilty pleasure watching as Kennedy acted like a typical 4 year old when Taylor was trying to get her to be excited about the table settings and flower arrangements, though. Seriously??
Here is some insight into why Kim is…well, the way she is.
http://www.popeater.com/2010/11/08/kim-richards-john-collett-murder/?icid=main%7Cmain%7Cdl3%7Csec1_lnk3%7C182960
As much as I hate Camille, I don’t think I’ve hated a couple more in any RH franchise than Taylor and Russell. I have zero sympathy for her. Zero. She’s a shrill, desperate joker face, and her husband is a grade A closeted piece of shit. I can’t believe how enraged I got about that poor fucking puppy. A) You NEVER give a young child like that a fragile toy breed puppy for a birthday, as any decent shelter for the last 30 years or so has told people over and over again. B) It totally had that sad listless sick look puppies from pet stores have. Enjoy your puppy mill genetic defect you idiot fucks. You know an asshole like Russell didn’t do any research and probably just went into a pet shop and picked the fluffiest puppy there with no thought, other than he was getting even with his wife not being a man anymore. HATE. THEM. Hate Kennedy too. My only cheerful thought is that she’s going to end up a completely unhappy spoiled person who hates herself.
@Jaimesommers: You hate a four year old kid?
@jaimesommers— you had me until you talked of the kid…thats disturbing. Since I don’t want to risk breaking the rules of disrespecting another commenter I’m just going to say you need to just hope that Kennedy won’t end up like her parents, and will hopefully find love and happiness when older:)
I like Kennedy. Even she thought the party was a stupid idea. Plus, she’s self-aware enough to be embarassed by her parents..that’s darn precocious, don’t you think? Did you see the way she was cringing and hiding behind her shades..poor girl, even she felt the second-embarassment for her mom.
Ok..so when Taylor says her marriage was 80% business and 20% romance, did we ever learn what the business part was? It’s not like he manages her career..is the business part her arrangement to be his beard?
Speaking of beards..I don’t think Lisa’s husband is gay, but perhaps Cedric is serving as a companion to the both of them? I mean..he’s living and traveling with them, and Lisa’s hubby seems surprisingly okay with the fact that he only gets action on birthdays and Christmas. (maybe Cedric is Daddy’s little plaything..I wouldn’t be surprised of anything that goes on behind the closed doors of the fabulously wealthy. I’ve never read Jackie Collins, but I’m sure she’s probably written about it)
@Pixie: That’s awful!! I had no idea.. but that would make anyone clingy with their loved ones after suffering such a loss. i can also imagine that with each subsequent failed marriage/relationship, she pondered, ruefully, just how much better life would have been had he lived.
The fact is that Kennedy is a victim of neglectful self-centered parents. I hope that she will find love and happiness, just as I hope that the puppy will be well cared for; unfortunately I’m afraid that the odds of either happening are low.
ROBIN HOOCH LOL I almost choked on my chocolate cake
Funniest thing I ever read.
Pandoras hair at the resturant ???? What was that?? Snookie hairdo ala Beverly Hills
Flipit, I love your recaps and this one is great. I was sitting here at work doing a phenomenal job of reading your recap when I scrolled down and saw the “save the children” ad. God, hit it right on the head. It really is sick in this society to see the waste and selfish attitudes some of these folks have, honestly there must be a lot of people like this or else Bravo knows how to find em. Either way, it is really sad when you put in context. On the other hand I really think you and I has similar backgrounds , (laughing at the drunken escapades in the park etc). When I read your recaps I do get a laugh and if I couldn’t laugh I would have cried my life away. Poor me and my welfare family. Grew up in the projects and never bought groceries ? what food orders? meals? maybe once in a while. I loved going to my friends cause they ate supper every night and I would always get invited. I loved growing up watching tv and pretending my life was good like those folks. Now I watch and laugh at how stupid the whole thing is. Life is but a joke. Keep laughing Flip and keep making me laugh. proda
I know this may sound ‘tres declasse’ in this day and age but in the 80′s, my fav birthday party was my 10th, which was held at McDonalds!! I’m laughing about it now, but back then, Mickey D’s was somewhere we only ate when we went shopping (Because there weren’t any in residential neighborhoods in Bklyn, NY. They were only in high-traffic areas)
So, eating at McDonald’s was rare enough to be special..imagine how popular I was for having my bday party there! Plus, everyone got Big Macs! Until then, Mom only bought me hamburger Happy Meals. So, along with a sandwich too big for me to eat, a bunch of games led by the staff, and a Ronald MCDonald cake (featuring Grimace), made it a happy day. My mom letting my two best friends stay over that night, made it an unforgettable experience.
Sometimes, it’s the simple things that children remember..
I follow all of the RH franchises (some more closely than others) and cannot think of a mother who does less for her children with more help than Camille. Anyone?
Sarcas, awww…ain’t it true?
Yes, sorry, I don’t like Kennedy. She seems to already have super sweet sixteen syndrome. But I also can’t stand Milania, Teresa’s daughter either. I suppose it’s wrong to hate a kid, but if it’s any consolation, I love CJ, Jacqueline’s boy. He’s a nice little guy.
@VRoxas I agree. Good lord, she is so stupid she actually expects normal people to believe how hard she works.
Raise your hand in here if you work, have kids, are single and struggle to pay the gas bill in the winter. If you take time from your money earniong job for no one else but you kids soccer game or 3rd grade recital- and never once blink an eye. So everyone who raised your hands- just imagine how fun it’s going to be watching her husband leave her on national TV. he he
@pants…Oh that sounded so mean but she really is a God awful ass.
@VRoxas: It’s not mean. She brought this on herself. She deserves everything that’s happened/happening to her.
I cannot stand Camille. I was having a discussion last evening with the hubby after we saw an ad for RHBH. I called Camille a skank, hubbies response “I really like her, she is my favorite.” My mouth hit the floor and I said she is inappropriate with men, in front of their wives. His response: “Well, her husband had an affair and she is having a tough time.” Please, her inappropriate actions were before she found out and it still does not excuse the behavior. The hubby is just lost, there are times I just do not understand him.
Frazier is smarter than all of us! He talked his wife into doing this show convincing her she needs to strut her own stuff instead of hiding behind him. We learn that she is absorbed, nitwit, skank, obnoxious, ridiculous, etc..etc.. person. Frazier has an affair and leaves her. We don’t feel sorry for her and shock that the marriage lasted this long. He manages to show us what he had to deal with all these years and why he left her without saying it and vilifying her to the press. Brillant!
Camille’s horrible no doubt and I have no problem judging her and mocking her but it’s definitely mean. If Kelsey married a modest, domestic, nurturing hardworker…then I’d say she 100% deserved what she’s getting. But by and large these marriages are understandings-you stay hot and available to me and I will keep you in lavish lifestyle. He’s essentially leaving her for persisting in being who he married long after she’s ceased to be shiny and new for him. And that formula happens to regular men and women like us everyday–one spouse decides that what worked before is no longer desirable or that they can do better.
@thsnarkling Oh yes…Master PR move on Kelsey’s part. He let her hang herself bigtime.
I think Kelsey is a pig- on one of the highest orders. a cheater is a cheater is a cheater. She is self delusional obviously, but for her to not realize that Kelsey kept himself sober is a little glimpse inside of what she is. Most spouses of an addict are proud to say My wife\husband has been sober for 13 years now and he\she has worked hard at it. She doesn’t get he did it with her support, not because of her. Putting herself first- that’s not the last we will hear of that!
I don’t believe for a second she isn’t banging somebody- obviously her tennis friend. Sorry, if I was that guys wife I would kill her. then him. Any woman who is that overtly narcisistic (sp)and hungry for attention, would bang anything that gave her a compliment and had something to offer her. Even empty compliments.
Can’t wait to watch her sniffle at the breakdown of her imaginary marriage, and for her children who she can’t remember the names of, and most importantly, who is going to help her handle downsizing and selling homes, and imagine all she is going to have to do without. Oh god let it be nannies, please let it be nannies. I think she would have a nervous breakdown if she had to spend a week alone with her own offspring.
Why did Camile even bother taking the kids with her to Hawaii? She was so “I need time to myself” that they never showed her doing anything with them. I love how Bravo keeps showing both Camille and Taylor’s kids with the nannies and then the self center twits doing other very less important things. Kelsey probably wanted Camille to to the show so that he doesn’t have to pay her as much alimony now that she has an income. How much you wanta bet she tries to get as much money as possible “for the kids” even though they won’t see any of it.
I don’t feel sorry at all for Taylor. She wanted a rich husband so she could have a lavish lifestyle and she got it. It’s obvious they don’t care for each other but yet she stays in the marriage for the money. And yes, many wummin will have kids with a “star” in order to be set for life. Unfortunately, what most don’t realize is that these “stars” have lots of kids with other women and will bankrupt themselves spending the money personally and not on child support. Look at the Evander Holyfields of the world, many children but can’t afford the child support because of overspending on junk.
The only reason Camille shouldn’t be shark food is so she can use all of Kelsey’s wealth on her tits, wealth that would otherwise have gone to fund Sarah Palin’s pie hole.