Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Adrienne ripped off a bunch of shoe designers to inspire poor girls to do something that remains unclear…
There’s no reason only super rich midget goblins with rubber faces should look like tacky strippers.
…Camille found the perfect pose for her next round of headshots in case there’s ever a Naked Detective 2,…
Why are you NAKED? You’re a DETECTIVE! YOU need to be honest! YOU DO!
…and Bravo set the gay rights movement back twenty years by sicking a gay muppet in a terrible wig onto our TV screens.
This is why the Boy Scouts are so damn scared.
Have you ever wondered what it would look like if Hello Kitty contracted Camille’s violent shit disease? Well, it’s the theme of Pandy’s wedding.
Moo Goo Gay Pan is making sure all the tables look as tacky as possible while muttering shit to himself. “Dees Bevly Heel! Muss be ova top! Peepees foah eveweebody!” He’s set up different table setting options for them to choose on the tennis court.
Kyle is taking her mommy in law for a checkup with Paul in Ad’s basement hospital. She starts messing around with all the scary contraptions. I wish she would open that ice chest behind her so Ad could be arrested for kidnapping whatever fetus she’s currently using for stem cells. Rich people tailgate too, and no child is safe.
Mauri’s mom looks 84 again. Paul really is an artist. The same way the guys who make those giant character costumes at Disneyland are artists.
Ah, Pluto. I love your weave.
We’re shown a before and after, and I don’t see much difference. In one she’s weathered and happy, in the other she’s got makeup and is happy. Is that a necklace made out of human teeth? This show is freaking me out tonight.
As Paul pokes Mauri’s mom all over her face and changes her oil, Kyle tells us that she doesn’t believe in plastic surgery. She’s not judging, mind you, she just feels that everyone should have to “play fair” with what we’ve been born with. HAHAH. Also note that taking an industrial sander to your face is not plastic surgery, it’s upkeep. I think it’s easy for hottish youngish richish skinnyesh people to not believe in plastic surgery. I don’t believe in the fire department. Until my house is burning down. She says that she won’t say never, because if she starts looking like her sister Twitch any time soon, she’ll be haunting that basement.
Brandi meets Ad at a restaurant wearing a micro mini skirt and a face full of hooker. I wonder if she ever goes to PTA meetings and sticks to those plastic classroom seats. The waiter approaches, and with an apologetic tone, asks if they want him to bring them… food. LOL. They order a mini pizza to share, but make sure the waiter agrees to bend it up first. Ad’s face may look like a thirty something year old pencil eraser, but her jaw is like 90. The waiter obliges without even the slightest “I’ve gotta get out of this fucking town” eye roll. When I waited tables here, my customers would ask why I was always smiling. They figured I was the most positive person alive, but I was just constantly laughing on the inside.
Brandi wants to throw a party, but she is divorcing a B Lister and can’t fit all the ladies in her room at the Best Western. Fortunately, she knows a rich chick who wants to be on TV, so she’s gonna host at her place in Malibu. There will be a belly dancer, so Kyle can’t get all offended about blowjobs. She’ll probably change her stance on plastic surgery, though. Nothing like a belly dancer to turn you into an advocate for lipo.
Poor thing needs to go back to Lebanon to feel thin again.
Brandi plans on inviting everyone, but Ad worries that things between Camille and Failor might get ugly. Brandi smiles big. She’s not gonna have a boring ass party. Besides, if Fail starts throwing shit and Camille starts shitting shit, it’s not B’s house anyway. Let’s do this!
Kyle’s having a Cinco de Mayo party because Mauri is “very proud that he’s Mexican.” Nothing like celebrating your Mexihood with a bunch of old white people who use your people to landscape their mall houses for under minimum wage. Viva la revolucion! His mom will be showing off her new/same face for the first time, and Portia is her first victim.
Loog ad meee! Do I loog preeteeee?
If I was older I’d be making a Driving Miss Daisy reference right now. But I’m not, so I’ll just give you “please never take me to the scary lady’s basement” face.
Portia might also look scared because Grandma’s hanging out with the hideous monster that hides under her bed at night.
Over dinner, Kyle mocks women who have had so much plastic surgery that they can’t move their necks, then she mocks her mother in law for her stiffness. Everyone laughs and laughs. It’s super rudely funny, and I laughed too. I just wish she’d say something like that to Failor so we could watch a season long fight about it. She talks about how stupid she acted when Mom in law did her Fonzie impression on the operating table….
…while Mom in law says that she knows her surgery was a success because she can’t see any difference. Um, I think that means you got ripped off, hon.
Lisa and Ken are over at Sur to check out their addition remodel. Lisa is working extremely hard this season to do nothing fun on the show. The bathroom door is on the wrong wall, which means that the customers enter, see a beautiful place and then a toilet. She doesn’t think anyone wants to see someone sitting on the toilet when they’re coming to eat, and she calls the situation “Pandora’s Box”, which makes me wonder if Pandy has a problem with pooping with the door open. It also makes me wonder why Lisa named her that. Is Plague just not catchy enough?
Lisa gets pissed when her contractor responds to her complaining by telling her she looks fabulous. LOL. She says she wants a contractor, not an ass kisser. Why not have both? It’s called manners, ya bitch! Plus, he’s hot so you’re supposed to be nice to him. There were rules in this town before you arrived, and one that’s been set in stone since Los Angeles was named is that you have to be nice to pretty people who work out. DEAL.
Adrienne has just received a big box of fugly Paymore shoes to pimp on camera, so she makes a scene with Paul about wanting him to walk the dogs. He says Jackpot is a lame ass and won’t walk. It’s like he’s that bald ass Giggy or something. She says that’s the point.
B has invited Twitch to her party, but Twitch is like umno. “You don’t exist. Why would I go to your party?” Your invisible friend Crystal doesn’t exist, and you have no problem partying with her. I love that Kim can even make me laugh just folding laundry. She’s a talent. A twitchy, disturbing talent.
Camille’s in a limo with her friendployees DD and The Big One talking about how she likes Brandi because they’ve both been through soooooooo muuuuuuuch. She’s nervous about seeing Failor and Lisa, but she hopes to smooth things after her year of things being sooooo haaaaaaaard. It’s hard for you? DD’s wearing a handmedown from when your surrogate was peggers. That’s hard. Cam doesn’t know how things got to be this dramatic. I’m just taking a stab at this, but it might be because
You’re an ASSHOLE.
Scary music plays while Failor puts on makeup. It’s never been more appropriate.
Fail tells us that Cam has texted her and stuff, but she’s not even ready to consider accepting an apology from that skank. Revealing her abuse was supposed to be her sweeps episode and Camille ruined it. Did someone tell her this was going to be a bowling party?
Fail picks up Kyle in a rented limo (EMBARRASSING). They’re going together and promise to have each other’s backs, and Fail whips out a bottle of two buck chuck and fake laughs that it’s sad that they always have to have their backs watched in the BH. It might be because you’re always starting crap. If I was Kyle I would offer to watch Fail’s back too. Her front is waaaay harder to watch. Fail says that she is completely disgusted by Camille. Kyle looks out the window and resists the urge to ask Fail if she’s really being abused or just working really hard at an A storyline.
Meanwhile, Camille is telling her friendployees that Fail dragged her into a bs argument so she accused her of lying about being abused. DD shouts about what a bitch Fail is, and in the other limo, Fail is laughing about how she’s probably going to just follow her feelings tonight, ie: make an ass out of herself again. YAAAAY!
Brandi’s not going into this party unarmed. She’s got a gaggle of friends there to stick up for her and giant, giant, giant rock hard nipples. Good lord woman. That looks like a really desperate sad lonely coat rack.
Fail and Kyle arrive, but before they go in Fail wonders why everyone wanted her to find her voice and now they’re all telling her to shut up. Your voice is horrible. Shhhh. Whoever told you to find your voice should lose theirs in some horrible karmic accident. When she walks in, Cam poos a little on the couch. Damn Thai food.
Cam goes straight up to Fail, says sorry, and hugs her. Fail grabs her super tight and won’t let go. Then it just gets creepy, like she’s trying to feel Cam’s heartbeat through her back to test whether or not she’s a zombie.
Waiiiiit. Almost done. Hold on…almost there……I think you swallowed gum in the fifth grade. I can hear it bouncing around in there.
She finally lets Cam go and then makes a big show of how disappointing the hug was. LOL. This is one looney bitch.
Fail tells us she felt no emotion from the hug so she thinks it was just fake. Meanwhile, she’s still miming extreme disappointment and being really fake.
You know she’s mad, cuz she’s turned Asian again.
DD saw the hug and smiles at Cam. “That was nice!” Camille gives her a “didn’t you see what just happened you dumb slut? What do I PAY you for? Give me back my surrogate’s dress” face.
Brandi is telling a friend how hot and wonderful Kyles’ husband is. This leads Kyle into an impersonation of an Arabian horse, for some reason.
The ladies sit around bragging about their horrible shoes to each other. Kyle says it’s a wedge/no bra party. Hehehe. She can’t help herself, that one. Once she’s said it, she can’t stop commenting on the nips. Brandi knows they’re mocking her and just ignores it. Camille says nipples are in this season. It’s not 2009, when ladies were having their nipples surgically removed to fit in at rented beach houses.
Belly dancing time!! It’s disturbing on many levels. I could post five hundred pics for you to be horrified at, or I could just choose the best. DD’s arm wobbling while Brandi limps and gyrates her headlights.
Kyle is jumping around, disco dancing, and refusing to listen to the instructor. With Kim, she’s the responsible one. Without Kim, she’s just a sad attention whore with carpet lint on her hooha.
The floor needed a good dry vacuum.
Brandi cheers “that’s why she’s married!” HA. She tells us that Kyle is used to getting attention and doesn’t seem to ever want to give it up. “…ever.” Bran starts getting annoyed, and Kyle is still making fun of her nips. She whips out a lazer beam and points them out. “Your high beams were on anyway!” She’s so rude. I hope she never grows up.
Bran says that her parents were hippies and “we were always naked.” Wow. I saw my mom naked once and I still wanna throw up every time I pass a bush. I won’t even let my dog pee on those things. Afros also scare me. Point is, Kyle doesn’t give a crap, and has fun with her Brandi chew toy. The funny thing is, these women are really similar. They’re both “honest”, or as we’d say in Texas, “rude”, they’re both loud to the point of being offensive, and they’re both funny without even knowing why. Kyle doesn’t have much more to say about B’s nips, but while we’re miming…
Fail is getting zero attention, but she is getting drunk. She sulks off outside, but no one follows her. Kyle and Ad belly dance at the window, which is a pretty good sign that they don’t want you to start your bs right now, but she avoids them. Since no one comes out, she goes back in, sits at the bar, and says, with Camille right next to her, that she is really mad because she can’t trust her. God she’s so fucking stupid. DD agrees, and starts getting mad. She says she’s pissed and she’s going for a Christmas bonus this year, so she’s gonna stick up for her boss. Brandi and her friends agree to have Cam’s back, which puts Fail against six or seven extras. She really sucks at this.
DD approaches her and says that she wants the drama to stop, and Cam was uncomfortable about Fail trying to drag her into the fight with Lisa. Fail starts fake sobbing and says that Cam didn’t have to ruin her Winter Sweeps storyline, and she’s not ok with it. Sob tearless sob sob. Camille put her daughter in danger! Huh? How? Cuz now people will be calling her dad a wife beater, I would guess. But isn’t that Fail’s fault for hinting at it all year and telling everyone within earshot about it? And how does it not “put her in danger” to get wasted at her bday party and dance on the table, or be photographed partying wasted all over town after her husband’s death? Cam says, with thick “don’t fuck with me” eyeliner and bedhead, that Fail is the one who put her kid in danger, and I agree. Which makes me sick to my stomach.
Fail goes on about how she’s stood up for Cam a lot, and DD says that Cam has stood up for her too. Fail stops the fake sob immediately and says “Not THIS time.” She’s like the goddamn homeless guy who yelled at me today for not giving him change. I said “come on. I give you money all the time. I don’t have any today.” He said “I take mastercard.” So scratch that. Fail is like the homeless guy who yelled at me today, minus the sense of humor and the face made out of skin.
Lisa is having a drink with Ken, saying she didn’t go to Brandi’s party because Kyle told her it was going to center around a blowjob class. HAHAHA. Methinks Kyle didn’t want Lisa there. Ken says “Maybe I should have gone”, which is really gonna help with those gay rumors I started. He says they need to hurry and finish dinner so she can get him home and prove to him that she doesn’t need bj classes. “It’s not your birthday, dahling.” HAHAHAHAH. He laughs and they walk to their table as people pass out in their wake. If someone could find a way to power vehicles with silent farts, Ken would be the new Green Economy.
Back to the party. Fail is telling DD that Camille practically shot Kennedy in the face. DD is trying to calmly stick up for Cam, and says that she was crying hysterically after the fight with Fail. Fail doesn’t care, cuz she’s still crying hysterically. It’s only hysterical cuz it’s tearless. Otherwise it’s just sad. DD starts getting pissed, because Fail won’t listen and says “Camille’s not cool.” HAHAH. Cam inches into the convo, because it’s loud enough now for the rent a driver outside to hear. Fail looks at her and snaps “OUTSIDE”, like Cam just shat on the couch. Which she might have.
DD, like she’s scolding one of Cam’s outsourced babies, says “that’s not the way to do it!” Fail, finally losing it, tells DD to mind her beeswax and that if Cam wants to talk to her she can ask nicely. Meanwhile, Cam is standing outside like she was told wondering what the f is going on. “Camille, would you like to speak to me?” Cam nods and asks what’s up. “Then you can ask!” HAHAHAHAH!!! She’s trying to block DD from going outside, but she’s refusing to go outside too. Maybe the plan is to freeze Camille?
Kyle points out the obvious, that everyone (Fail) is wasted, which isn’t helping. The ladies all gather around Fail, chanting “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT!”, so naturally Fail starts horsey face laughing like she’s Julia Roberts finally getting a rich dude who shoves gerbils up his butt at the end of Pretty Woman. Then she pretends to jump over the ledge, laughing like a loon, while everyone freaks out. Suicide is no laughing matter, Failor. Well, not all the time. The ladies get her over to a table, and Camille just stands there calm as Frasier’s wiener after a week of marriage and says “I hate drama.” HEHEHEH.
DD walks away, and one of the extras starts going on about “Look at the ocean! It’s so big! Life is so short!” For some it’s shorter than others, ya hag. Make sense or get the hell out of the way. Thankfully, that bs pop psy poo makes DD mad. She then freaks out and shouts/fake cries that she’s sick of seeing her boss go through crappy situation after crappy situation and Fail needs to cut the shit and be her friend. Then Fail screams and starts crawling over the table “You have no idea what she did to me! You have no idea what she did to me!!!” AHAHAHAHAHAH! WHAT A DUMB CRAZY HO FACE! I am laughing out loud a lot tonight. Best abuse comedy on TV.
Fail screeches louder and louder and throws her points in DD’s face like punches. DD keeps yapping back like a sad little chihuahua, and Brandi gets in her face and tells her to fuck off. HAHAH!! Ad shouts at Fail that everyone has problems and this isn’t how to deal with them. Fail screeches even louder (the whales are now mating in the background) about how it’s not FAAAAIR! She screams “Bring her to me!!!” Oh lord. This would be sad if it wasn’t so awesome. Yet another breakdown. Pathetic. Brandi’s over this shit. She gave up blowjob lessons to make these women happy, and this harpy is ruining everything. She has no idea what went down between Cam and Fail, but she knows that she has a transgendered Mister Ed waking up the rent a neighbors and ruining everything, so she asks Fail to leave! HAHAHAHAH!!! Ok. I officially love Brandi now.
Kyle is shocked and shouts that Brandi is rude! Says the woman who openly mocked the hostess of the party in front of all her friends, ruined the belly dance lesson to get some airtime, and is now cheering on her wackadoo friend to ruin said party even more. And how is it not rude to scream, yell, fake cry and shout “YOU’RE DEAD TO MEEEEE!” at a dinner party?
Kyle gets her finger in B’s face, and B starts squealing like Beeker getting gang raped at a truck stop. Her finger is now in Kyle’s face, and Kyle tells her to never touch her again or she’ll regret it! Brandi continues to squeal, which is smart because now that the spotlight is no longer on her fake ass sobs, Fail wants out. She storms out of the house, followed by Kyle. Ad runs out to reprimand them, but they’re ignoring her. Woops. Forgot Fail’s purse. HAHAH. I’m leaving! No wait. NOW I’M LEAVING. She even fails at storming out. As they come back into the house, the nutty “the ocean is big” extra says “Y’all are embarrassing yourself by losing control. We’re an evooooolved speeeeecies!” Not on this channel, honey. Bravo makes an evolution chart look like a “Where Are They Now?” special.
Meanwhile, DD is still ranting and raving to Camille and saying over and over again how much she loves her. Yikes. Single White Friendployee in Hand Me Downs. Camille punches her time card, but DD won’t stfu. The regular cast members all leave, and now Brandi’s crying.
Your party was an embarrassment to humanity. I think that means you fit in perfectly. Welcome to the cast!
Kyle’s still acting like a drunk fucking fool in the rentalimo. She’s shouting that she wants a lighter. Then she starts screaming. Then her veins pop out of her head and she screamsqueals until the driver pulls over and gives her a smoke. She starts fakesobbing more and Kyle tells her that this is unimportant and there must be other things she’s sobbing about. Duh. Bitch is crazy. I hope Fail goes home, washes her rubber, and chills to a nice movie.
The episodes get more and more horrifying by the week, and I laugh harder and harder. It’s sad, but it’s also time people stopped using their baggage like airtime currency. If you don’t want your kid to be embarrassed, stop being such a fucking embarrassment. Because the epi is over and I can’t let go, please enjoy this montage of Failor’s crazy ass. See you guys next time!
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Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit