Previously on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kim humped a private plane,
Some new younger slut showed up with her tits out and her and penises drawn all over the cast she got from kicking Eddie Cibrian’s rock hard ass in divorce court,
…and Kyle led the other girls in mocking the new slut so they could all act their goal age: 14.
That girl’s looser than a magnum on a Frasier.
We open with a shot of the cheapest blow job in Beverly Hills. I have a feeling this is gonna be a Brandi-centric episode.
Taylor and Kyle are bitching about a gravel driveway. They hate that shit because it ruins their shoes. Rocks ruin your shoes, the sun ruins your face, and rain ruins your makeup. Nature sucks. There. I said it. They’re going to visit Dana, some famewhore Taylor knows. She tells us that she met Dana at nine months pregnant and she was driving a Lamborghini. So tacky. Having your own baby, I mean. Lamborghini’s are awesome. Dana opens the door wearing glitter, fake boobs, lots of diamonds, a fake smile, and a tiara. Auto HATE.
She insists that she’s just doing stuff for her wedding today and she’s not a loon. Kyle sees through her bs immediately. “There are two boobs and a tiara staring me in the face.” LOL. Dana has Erica Courtney over peddling her jewels for the audience and she’s soooo sorry that her styling is going long! It’s a total accident! She totally didn’t set this up to show off her homely dude’s money on TV you guys. ACCIDENT! I’ve known Dana for less than a minute and I can already sum her up in two words. Dumb bitch. Kyle oohs and aaahs over some forty thousand dollar earrings she could buy at forever 21 for a few bucks and then excuses herself and Taylor to shit talk Dumb Bitch Dana in the next room while they wait. There are some Future Douchebags of America pamphlets on the table, so Kyle is sure to pick one of those up to make fun of.
Hating babies is a terrible feeling, and yet here we are.
When Kyle and Taylor are alone, Kyle goes off about the dress and the rack. Taylor laughs awkwardly and insists that Dana’s “eccentric.” Being rich and tacky isn’t eccentric. It’s fucking obnoxious. Dana meets them in the kitchen wearing short shorts and a mom shirt. A really tight one. She laughs “how did you get my baby’s zed card? Did I leave them out?” Those cards were as accidental as the video of Paris blowing the football team, so Kyle doesn’t buy it. She does, however, make fun of it freely. She also mocks Dana’s giant tits and terrible taste in wedding dresses, and even sings Here Come the Boobs. HAHAH. She’s such a bitch. Dana has watched the show, so she already knows this and laughs like a Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Dana starts bragging about her baby, and her bs is about as believable as those saline filled blimps she calls tits. Her baby is 18 months and knows how to read, how to spell, how to count, how to speak Thai, and does pilates…HAHAHAH!! I am genuinely laughing my ass off over here. My mom told everyone I could play any song on the piano by ear and was ambidextrous. She was close. I can play Chopsticks kinda ok and I can hold a gallon of ice cream in one hand while spooning it into my misery hole with the other. A little exaggeration never hurt anyone. Except all those people who were killed when the sky actually fell.
Dana just doesn’t know how her fat bastard of a baby will make it in a real school because he’s just too damn smart. She’s teaching him encyclopedias right now. How bout you do him a real favor and teach him how to stop shitting himself? That’s all a kid really wants. Kyle, dead serious, tells Dana that he baby came out walking. “Walked right out. She’s a black belt. Just got accepted to college.” Dana is dumbfounded and stuttering to try and come up with some competitive lies until Kyle gets to the college part and she realizes Kyle is kidding. HAHAHAH!! I LOVE YOU KYLE! You can tell that Taylor is pissed that Kyle is openly mocking her friend because she’s smiling without her mouth open. I’ve never seen that, and it’s amazing.
Even the lunch Dana has served is obnoxious.
Can I get a side of fries with this?
Dana asks how the charity event went, and Kyle tenses a little bit cuz she only raised fifteen grand, which is just pathetic. She puts a positive spin on it, though, saying that she doesn’t know the final tally raised, but she’s sure it will be enough to buy some fruit roll ups for about a thousand cancer kids or so. Dana is too polite to point out that Fruit Roll Ups contain lots of chemicals that cause cancer, and Kyle slides right on by. Dana laughs fakely and Taylor laughs fakely and you can totally see why these two would be friends. Dana is sure to tell Kyle that she’s courageous and tasteful, and the scene ends with Kyle telling us in her “is she shitting me?” voice that Dana is “very. Very. Ve. Ry……Nice.” Love her.
Lisa is over at her restaurant tasting wine with Leech’s replacement, Boring Beiber Gay.
Boring Beiber Gay
Kim and Kyle’s “Talent Agent” comes in for a lunch meeting. Lord knows she’s got the time. She wants to hook Lisa up with a gig commentating on the Royal Wedding for CNN. Lisa likes this idea. She knows a lot about Royal etiquette. She just had lunch with the Duchess of York this week. LOL! You mean toe fetish bribery Weight Watchers commercials Fergie!!?! Honey, that’s not really a shining example of royal etiquette. She wasn’t even invited to the royal wedding. That said, you’re snotty enough and most Americans don’t read the news anyway. Places!
Taylor tells us that Lisa is qualified to comment on the Royal Wedding “because she’s British. And…….”
….married.” HAHAHAHAAH!!! Lisa takes the job, and Useless Talent Agent lobotomizes herself on a light fixture on her way out.
Sue! You’ve gotta need it after all that commission you haven’t been earning for the past four decades.
Wanna guess what Adrienne is up to? If you said berating her husband for no reason and making rubber chicken in a frying pan face, you win!
Her Giggy wannabe just shit in Paul’s closet, which has to make those scrubs he wears even more contaminated. I don’t care. FF. Taylor goes to meet slutbag Brandi for drinks because she also has a man to bitch about publicly while milking every last cent out of him, and because she looks kinda like Taylor after her fourth facelift and it’s good to mentor younger rubber people. It’s like a Big Sister Program, but with better wine and needier participants.
When your face turns ten we’re getting an appetizer.
Brandi says that she found out on the cover of a magazine that her husband was cheating on her throughout their entire marriage and now he’s marrying LeAnne Rimes. That’s why you never marry a dude that looks like Cibrian. He’s like a free Porsche. There’s no way you’re gonna find that in the driveway and not ride it. Ugly guys FTW! Brandi doesn’t believe you should stay in a marriage for the kids. Agreed. You should tell them daddy cheated because they didn’t do their chores and if they don’t wanna get sent to the pound they’ll do the goddamn dishes. Keep those brats in servitude as long as you can. Especially now that you’re on a budget. Taylor lets NoobSlut complain for about thirty seconds before turning the convo to her waaaahhhhing. You guys, Taylor is making so many hideous faces right now that I can’t even describe them all.
She says that she’s been so messed up over her crap marriage that she’s gone a little loopy. Not really how I’d describe it, but I’m sure she’s saving “Hi. I’m Taylor and I’m an alcoholic” for her season 3 storyline. Can’t just blow your entire victim load in one night. Especially in front of Brandi. Skank’ll probably swallow it and expect a house. Brandi says she was a vindictive biatch in her divorce and suggests Taylor go a different route. But when she says she felt good taking Cibrian to the bank, Taylor smiles and they clink glasses. Meanwhile, Russ is at home practicing Boy Scouts knots.
Kim’s at home dusting shit. Cokeheads may get sloppy, but man they have clean houses. Poor bored maid gets dragged into some conversation about how Kim’s kids are doing. She looks like she wants to call la migra for a really violent ride home.
Have you seen A Day Without a Mexican? You’re about to.
Kim, please stop talking about your kids. Did they speak Thai when they were babies? No? Then they’re morons. Shhhhh. And I hope her diary room session was taped before the suicide, otherwise this outfit is downright offensive.
The kids are all out of the house, which can be really depressing for a maid.
No me pagan lo suficiente para esta mierda.
Kim says that she has taken some time for herself and she’s come back stronger than ever. Did you know a person that’s tweaking can get shot like ten times and not even feel it?
Kyle and Mauri go to meet Lisa and Ken at the restaurant. There’s been some tension between Kyle and Ken ever since the dinner party where Kyle accused Ken of farting silently and he accused her of using the word “offended”. Kyle opens by making fun of Dana and her giant fake tits, her tiara, and her fat Rain Man of a kid. Lisa asks why the kid speaks Thai. LOL! No kidding. English first people. Mauri says that he’s probably just speaking jibberish and the dumb mom thinks it’s Thai. Love it. Kyle thinks everyone in this town is full of shit, and she’s so right. She’s also one of them. She continues that people pretend they have raised more than they actually did for poor cancer kids do and it’s gross. Ken asks if Dana is the chunky one. HAHA.
He figures maybe she just looked fat cuz she was next to Taylor, and they agree that everyone looks fat next to that skeleton. The convo turns to her anowrecksia and Lisa says that she told Taylor she needed a Crisco iv but the girl wouldn’t listen. Kyle knows she’s gonna be in the middle of this at some point, so she just dives right in and tells LIsa that her advice doesn’t really mean much when she opens with “I’m not your friend, but…”. LOL. Lisa gets defensive and claims that she never said that, but she did say it multiple times and everyone knows it. Ken blames the busboy for farting and interjects that if Taylor had real friends she wouldn’t be such a mess in the first place. Yes she would, she’d just have a broken spine cuz people would hug her more. Kyle argues that you can’t force someone to eat and it would be like telling someone to get off drugs instead of just ignoring it and waiting to use it against them in a really good fight.
Lisa feels attacked, of course. Oh wah. It’s always the ones that “tell it like it is” who cry the first minute they get it back. I know from experience. The homeless guy I throw my diet coke cans at called me fat once and I cried for three days. Asshole. Speaking of assholes!
Adrienne is trying to have a bbq, but her staff is dumb and Paul is dumb and everyone’s dumb. Gimp Bitch is the first to show up, and Kyle gives her a little ice for her swollen face. She and Camille bond over the divorces that gave them bank accounts with their own names on them for the first times in their lives. Camille talks about how humiliating it was to be publicly dumped and get fifty mil. But doing cooze shots and then getting bought by a hairy backed homely TV star publicly and going on Oprah to tell the world about her violent shits? Proud moments. This world is f ing backwards. Brandi makes me like her a bit when she says that she just went through the D List version of Cam’s divorce and that they need to date right away cuz their “still hot” windows are closing really fast. HAHAH. That window closed a long time ago. On your nose, from the looks of it. They hug as thunder rolls in the distance and lighting strikes the water slide.
I think it’s really sweet that the childless Ad has so many things for the kids. It’s also admirable that she had a fountain made of her original face so she’d never forget from where she came.
Au Bon Payna comes in giggling and complimenting everyone. She walks right up to Kyle and starts bragging about her $25,000 sunglasses. Thankfully, they’re not edible.
Dana goes from person to person to brag about her fucking glasses, and Kyle stops short of mentioning that that’s more than the cancer kids are getting. Camille says real rich people don’t need to brag about how much money they have. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! It’s easier to laugh my ass off than to list the trip to her Hawaii house, the trip to her Colorado house, the golf cart shots traveling over her Malibu house, her friendployees, her four nannies, her surrogates, …. dammit I’m still typing. Got me again, wench!
Camille’s an _____________.
Lisa’s at home teaching her stoner son how to put on cheap extensions. He puts a couple of them in his pockets and starts wording his craigslist ad. Ad tells us that Lisa has no business talking about etiquette when she brought Giggy to her dinner party and let him drink out of her fancy glasses. There will be an Ad/Lisa smackdown and I can’t WAIT. Lisa gets to the studio and meets Dr. Drew, who’s still allowed on TV for some reason. Oh lord. Dr. Drew? Everyone on that panel is gonna relapse. Lisa doesn’t know anything about him except that he is a sex advice guy. “I’ve never seen his Twitter, but I hear it’s very large.” Ha. That didn’t really make much sense, but she said it in her snotty accent so I laughed anyway. I suspect that’s how the whole CNN show will go.
Back at the bbq, Kyle and Brandi are trying to converse, but it’s not going so great. B’s kid gets out of the pool, strips, and takes a piss on the grass. LOL!!! Brandi kinda yells no, but then just laughs and shrugs it off. Kyle is mortified, and I am laughing my ass off. Kyle is back to hating Brandi’s ass, and I’m loving every second. It’s time to eat, and Kyle’s “embarrassed” that Kim still hasn’t shown up. So she calls her on speakerphone so Kim can be embarrassed too. She doesn’t wanna come cuz she doesn’t have kids. She should just show up and stand by the waterslide and cry and make everyone really uncomfortable. Kyle chides her and says she needs to call Ad herself and bs her. Kim doesn’t sound wasted today, which is kinda disappointing. How sick is this show making me? Kyle and her daughters give the phone put upon looks, and Kyle says that Kim never showing up is “suspicious.” Oh, Kyle. It would be better if you just let everyone else call your sister an addict so you can look more victimy. Duh. This is season 2. You have no excuses.
Camille asks where Lisa is, and Bert snaps:
Oh no, Bert!! Making snide comments is one thing, but making snide comments in front of guests is a nono. This is why you should never have help that knows English. Camille is so telling on your stupid ass, and you ain’t a spring chicken yourself there, tiger. Lisa explains that Bert hates Lisa because she brings her dog to the table and then lets it drink out of tacky glasses. So gauche! Get over it already. I want to send Ad some Dawn. Having a glass that costs thousands of dollars is tackier than a dog drinking from it. Camille agrees that Lisa has no manners and compliments Ad on the lovely sauce on the grilled poor people protestors from Sacramento she had grilled for the event.
Over at the TV station, Lisa asks for an earpiece for Giggy. HA. The newslady says no and asks her to cover her 70′s bush so they can start rolling.
Lisa takes a stand against the paparazzi and advocates knee skin tightening surgery. Seriously. Look at those things! She’s got the knees of a twenty year old. Meanwhile, Ken speaks for the country.
Back at Ad’s, Dana is going back for thirds while the other ladies talk about how Taylor isn’t eating. Brandi says Taylor is on the divorce diet, and Kyle’s eyes pop out. Taylor’s never said she’s getting a divorce, but Brandi’s been around the block a few times and knows a homely guy dumping when she sees one. Taylor comes by and says she ate a hot dog earlier and Dayna assures the women that Taylor eats as much as she does but doesn’t gain weight, while Dana can’t lose a pound. Honey, please. If Taylor ate as much as you did her fat would push the filler right out her nostrils. Kyle jokes that no one cares about what she eats cuz she’s married. She has to use a drug addict sister to get some sympathy around these jerks.
Dana starts yammering on about her lame poseur wedding and brags about getting married in a palace and blahblahblah. When Camille thinks you’re a fake asshole, you’ve got problems. Paul comes out in his scrubs. Does he just not like to fold his laundry or what? He jumps in the pool and rips off his shirt, and Ad says he’s no Mauircio. What a cow. Dana says her future husband is ugly too, and Camille says she’s learned “big hands, big disappointment.” HAHAH! Kyle doesn’t know what she means, so Brandi says she means “cock.” Kyle is mortified again. Hehehehe. I think I’m starting to like Brandi. There’s a little segment on all the women telling us what they call a penis. Dana calls them “Sherman” and Ad calls them “annoying”. I call mine Debbie Downer. Sad lonely penis horns.
Kyle says the word cock is inappropriate and tells us that she thinks Brandi’s tacky. Brandi asks if they all think she’s “super slut”. Just take out the “super” part. Mauri asks Dana what her man does, and she says she thinks he’s an investment banker but basically he just flies all over the place and she has no idea what he really does except come home with herpes and ice cream. Brandi snarks that he’s flying around putting his cock in lots of pussies, and Dana gets pissed. Oh no. Watch the bon bon platter. Dana pulls the “his mom has cancer” card. Brandi knows she’s an offensive slag and says they’ll get used to her. Or not. She doesn’t care. I love when people think being a c word is ok as long as you do it with confidence. This show has been known for having legitimately wealthy B Listers, so it’s good to see Bravo drop the classy act and drag in some trash. Woohoooooo!!
Next week, Brandi accuses Kim of being a druggie! YAAAAY! See you then!