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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Taylor found a cake shaped like an old lesbian sailor lady for Kennedy’s birthday party, …
Slightly cheaper than the Mad Hatter theme, but is it practical?
Kyle met her sister Twitch’s new beau and looked at him in the only possible safe way,…
…and Taylor had a meltdown that embarrassed rubber women with sinkhole mouths the world over.
We open where we left off last week. Camille is having a hissy fit. I laugh inappropriately all over again. I can see why Camille never lets herself show any emotion. She looks like a flank steak wrapped in seran wrap.
Most likely to play Yenta the Matchmaker in the Shady Pines production of Fiddler.
She got cut off last week at “We don’t say that he hits you or beats you up or breaks your jaw or drops anvils on your head!” Apparently, she wasn’t done. Lisa tries to interject some calming English snooty/soothing tones, but Camille runs right over her and keeps shouting that Failor keeps bitching about being abused but never has one physical sign of proof. DAAAAMN!!! Wow. Last week, the ladies hinted that Fail might be lying or exaggerating about her boring rich homely dude abusing her, but Camille just flat out accused her. Suddenly, I am on Camille’s side. I’m going onto Rotten Tomatoes right now to give The Naked Detective a 100 percent fresh rating. Do your part, people. It’s like voting, but not as meaningless.
The room is silent after Camille stuck Fail with that one, and then Fail says “That’s not cool.” Suddenly she knows what manners are. Too late, snatch! Fail just gives Camille a big smile, like she won a point or something. Camille, not backing down, shouts “No, it’s not cool. But you set it up, Taylor! YOU’RE the one who needs to be honest, cuz THAT’S not cool!” Sure, Camille tells the world Frasier wears panties and has a hairy back and is a slimeball and pig, but she’s got facts on her side. If you’re gonna slander your husband publicly, do it with some truthiness, biatch!
Camille clunks out of there pissed as all get out while Fail just smiles like a crazy person. Or not. I can’t tell what that mouth is doing, but I can’t stop staring at it and wondering if Failor can go underwater or if those things force her to float all the time like a blow up toy.
I agree, Camille, Lisa is a bitch. YAY I WIN!
Lisa tells us that Fail has talked all of their ears off privately about homely rich boring guy abuse, and Fail’s ranting and raving when she’s got so many possible lies on the table was the string that scarred the stripper’s crack. Lisa gets up to follow Camille out, but decides against it when she remembers that severe emotions can lead to violent shits. Might be best to let the driver deal with Cam and her irritable bowels.
Failor, forgetting the faux rage she had worked up against Lisa, is suddenly trying to get her on her side. “What she said was above and beyond…” Lisa’s like “well you’re a wiener vein” and Fail’s all “but it huuuuurts” and Lisa’s all “five bucks for a bandaid”. Lisa says that she believed Failor’s stories about Russell….”at fihst. That’s why I didn’t like him!” Fail tries to muster up some tears and whines “yeah but you didn’t like me either!” Lisa verbally shrugs “I just didn’t get you.” In other words, why would I be friends with someone who’s telling the whole town her husband is beating her if he might not be? Fail doesn’t get it and says that she felt like she was a junior high girl getting dissed by a more popular girl and it hurt. Oh. Fucking. WAH.
Lisa, for the hundredth time, apologizes. Of course, she does it in the “I’m sorry you’re a fucking lunatic, dahling” way that she has, but still. She repeats that she doesn’t know what to make of Failor and was confused because she didn’t know what to believe. Well, that’s all? You just didn’t believe that I was abused? I had no idea that’s how you felt! I forgive you! LOLOLOLLLL!
Lisa tells us that she was humbled by Fail’s desperation to be her friend. HAHAH! THIS SHOW IS CRAZY. She tells Fail that she feels much better about it all, and Fail stops trying to cry and says she’s super happy they got their issues resolved. Kyle almost throws up on herself.
She makes faces and then says “That’s resolved?!?” She seems kind of pissed that after two seasons of hate, they are making up so easily. Probably because if they’re friends, they can compare notes on the crap Kyle talks behind their backs. She says flat out that the sudden reconciliation is weird, and she’s right, but Lisa probably just wants the melted tootsie roll to get the hell out of her house. Lisa says that she’s going to wipe the slate clean, because Fail needs a lot of work and Lisa needs a project. They hold hands and giddily affirm their friendship as Kyle (and America) rolls her eyes and wonders how to get Taylor to sign over her house to Mauricio.
You’re a pathologically lying anorexic rubber faced blowfish wannabe. Ah, honesty! How refreshing dahling!
Kim must have introduced them to that Crystal person.
There will be no break from crazy tonight. Straight over to Mister Toad’s house we go. Twitchy Kim has all her stuff in, and she tells us that it’s super hard living with someone who thinks his art piece of a giant ship is the Golden Gate Bridge.
The Titanic. Oh, and the piece is a bridge.
They’re both bossy and super controlling. She says she’s like an Arabian horse, then raaars like a cat. LOL.
Arabian horses are the best pets! They cuddle and poop in little boxes! Raaaar!
Kyle is “making” grapes for Portia over at her place, but Portia wants a reeeeal snaaaack! That brat talks too much. Give her a knuckle sandwich. That’ll shut her up! Kidding. You should never hit children. Lock her in a closet. Faye Resnik comes over with a notebook just in case Mauri has decided to decapitate Kyle. Girl’s gotta make a living! She also brings over vases and fabric swatches and tries to kiss the kid, who rolls her eyes at her.
Fuck it. I’ll take the grapes. Just get me away from the freak who sleeps under my bed and tries to scare me at night.
Faye tries to go over her color samples half heartedly, but Kyle wants to talk drama. She tells her about what Camille said at the Pepto Tea, and Faye tsk tsks. Kyle says it’s confusing to have a friend who says she’s being abused and then turns around and is happy again. Faye has been involved with some abuse charity for years, so she deems herself the expert and says that there’s a “honeymoon phase” after a woman has taken a beating, where the guy romances her and buys her flowers and stuff, and that’s why “these women” keep going back. Kyle nods very seriously like she’s never seen a Lifetime movie before.
Kyle doesn’t really wanna talk about the abuse. She says “confused” like ten times and hints that she doesn’t really even know if she should believe Taylor. Faye agrees that there have been no evident black eyes or anything, and all Kyle can do is love her yoyo of a friend. Then she contorts her face into a spitting image of Walter Cronkite to make Kyle smile. Portia screams and runs the hell outta there.
And that’s the way it is.
Pandy comes by the restaurant to show Lisa the bridesmaids dresses. I think Lisa already owns like a hundred copies of this. Pandy, get your own life, girl! The first day her gay husband silently fahts in the study she’s gonna be downright giddy. That girl needs a trip around the world.
My mummy makes the rules in this town and you’ah gonna pay!
The bachelorette party is gonna be in Vegas. Well that should be fun! The Palms has been kinda empty so it will be great to have a bunch of pasty brits partying it u…oh wait. It’s going to be at Planet Hollywood. Lisa says one of her deah, deah friends will be hosting it. In other words, that shit is free. Being a cast member on a Housewives show is like having the best val-pak of all time. Pandy wants Lisa to come, but Pumpy’s not so into hanging out with Pandy and her boring friends and watching gay dudes take off their clothes for money. She’s already got one at home who does it for free. Granted, he looks like a wookie and braids his nose hair, but still.
Cam meets Ad and Kyle for lunch. So how’s Cam doing? I’ll give you a guess: A. Awesome B. So happy to be here, or C. Tiiiiiiiiiired! Text your answer to 1-800-CAMILLEISANAHOLE. She had to go to her son’s school this morning and it was haaaaaard! Kyle, pretending she’s not here to call her possibly abused friend a raging lunatic liar, starts ooohing and ahhhhing about how cute it is when you go to school to see your kids read a story or something. Poor Portia keeps drawing pictures of Faye baring her fangs under her princess bed, but no one ever gets the hint. The women agree that kids are cute, and then Adrienne fellates a wine glass. She was up in arms over Giggy drinking out of her five thousand dollar glasses, but how is this any less nasty?
If you treated Paul half this well, he’d bitch at you a lot less.
The gayter comes over and fawns all over them. Once he’s flitted away, Cam says that she feels terrible about how things went down at Pepto Tea and she’s texted Failor a couple times but hasn’t received a response. She was just trying to help and be a good friend! Nothing says “I love you” like demanding to see bruises or a broken nose on national TV. Cam was just trying to reach out and help Fail. LOL! She gulps hard after she says that, knowing it’s total bs. She tells us that Fail “shouldn’t goat me” into saying stuff she doesn’t want said. Ah, Camille. You can take the dumb stripper out of English class, but you can’t take the … I forgot my point. I think it was that strippers should finish English class.
Camille knows she was in the wrong, but Ad disagrees. If Fail doesn’t want the whole town talking about her marriage, then she shouldn’t be talking to the whole town about it. Then she does a really mean impression of Fail when she gets all Asian and emotional.
Ad says Fail should just talk to a therapist and not them, and Kyle says that all she knows is there’s no way she’d still be there if she was getting beat. Awkward silence.
Western music is playing, and we are taken to the farm that Failor gets spinal fluid from buffaloes to keep her facial skin growing even though it’s mostly shopping bag material at this point.
It’s Kennedy’s bday party!! This time, Kennedy is dressed like a saloon hooker and Fail’s wearing short shorts. I don’t know how much this party cost, but it’s definitely cheaper than last time.
Denim. Look it up.
The bouncy houses aren’t set up, the animals for the petting zoo are still in their cages, the mechanical bull isn’t ready to give Fail her yearly moment of slutty drunkenness at a kids party…it’s a disaster! A disaster I tell you!
What are you bitching about? At least your petting zoo’s set up!
This is the fault of her party planner (Dana must come cheap) and her assistants. The only alertness I see here are Fail’s nips.
Turn off your headlights. It’s broad daylight.
Fail takes a leadership role, which means she walks around clapping her hands at the illegals off loading the trains and bulls and stuff. Dana shows up late, and Fail’s bitchy about it but Dana says that Fail wanted her to take a smaller role this year after being publicly flogged for the Mad Hatter fiasco. There was a lot of tacky shit going down at that party, but at least it was going down at all. This one is a mess. 70 chairs were delivered for the kids, but no tables. LOL. Who cares? They’re kids. Give em hot dogs and spankings. Fail says she’s gonna have a nervous breakdown. “My second this year.” Um….third. And those are the only ones we know about. That said, PLEASE do it. I’m bored.
Fail is told some dude named “Hi-Me” has the tables. LOL. She runs around asking people if their name is Hi-Me. The workers shrug and pretend they don’t know English so she’ll just go away. The tables arrive, and all is solved. Can we please go back to the part about how you’re probably lying about abuse and getting raked across the coals? That was more fun. Fail says that she’s super proud of this party, cuz Kennedy can “experience more with nature”. Huh? Ah, well, at least Kennedy is getting to see more of the world than her backyard. Now she’ll know that if she’s ever lost in the woods she can just look for the bouncy house or the train or ask a valet to tell her how to find the lady made out of playdo.
Russ is there and being nice, even though Kennedy has stolen his favorite part of the ranch.
The ladies start to arrive, and Kyle says it’s super awkward after the tea party cuz no one wants to see Russell. She squeals and kisses Fail anyway. Fail chirps “Have you seen Ace Young from American Idol? That’s Ace Young! Ace! Have you seen Ace? He’s over there! Ace Young!” Well that explains the headlights. I’m sure Kennedy is super excited that some old guy who was famous for ten minutes when she wasn’t even born yet is there to sing off key to her.
No offense. I love you so much! On mute.
Fail makes her way over to Ace and gushes all over him. He smiles charmingly, even if he’s most likely wondering what she’s hiding on her knuckles.
She keeps gushing and gushing and gushing and it’s uncomfortable. He asks her if she’s ridden the pony yet. EW! Well, he’s no Beyonce. He’s gotta work for tips. Fail laughs like a hyena and backs away slowly. Why do I make dinner while I watch this show? What a waste. Wanna hear more about Pandy’s wedding plans? Me neither. But here we go.
Lisa’s missing Kennedy’s party because she has to get some invites done and she doesn’t want to be tempted to openly mock Fail for spending so much of other people’s money on her kid when they just made up. Oh wait! I’m interested again! Look who’s here!
There’s no reason China shouldn’t have their own gay Martin Short. Yay God! ShiShi is worried that the invitations Lisa has chosen aren’t gaudy enough already….
So he insists that they deliver scrolls. LOL. Lisa’s over his ass immediately, but he doesn’t back down. He giggles and says darleen a lot and shows them a sample of what he wants.
They’re a hundred fifteen per scroll. HA! He also wants to send presents made out of flowers or giant penises or traffic cones that people can sit on after they’ve read them. Gayancé wants to take a cone sample home, but Lisa stops him and agrees to the giant flower boxes. ShiShi is threel! Eets outraaajuss! You can have whatever stance you want on gay weddings, but you have to admit that shit would have a tremendous positive impact on the economy. Scroll workers deserve money too dammit! Speaking of creepy gay dudes at parties…
Get that horse of your shoulder. You’re scaring the children.
Kyle is on the mechanical bull. It kicks her off immediately. He doesn’t have to take your sarcasm and eye rolling. He’s just a day player. Sucka! Kim shows up and beams “I’ve done this before!” HA. No shit. You called it the eighties. Enter the Gimp bitch! Brandi shows up, limping along. So they’re still gonna try and make this work, eh? She’ll be slashing the tires on Ace Young’s bike by the end of the party. Mark my words.
Kyle gets Portia on a pony so she can talk shit with Fail, who says if Cam had the balls to show up she’d be shoveling shit. Girl, if Camille showed up she’d bring four horse faced nannies to shovel that shit for her. She’s pissed that Cam blurted out private information in front of other people. LOL! You’ve talked about it already with all those women, ya dumbass. She’s pissed at Camille, and I’m glad. Not because Cam was wrong, but because she’s only interesting when someone on this show is pissed at her. There are a few epis left in the season. There might be some life in our ole Shlemiel yet! Oh yeah. Also, Lisa called Fail and said her not showing up wasn’t because she was mad at her, it’s just because she’d rather spend time with someone whose face was less scary.
Ad and Paul show up with their devil children and immediately start talking shit. Ad does the obligatory “abuse is terrible” thing and then launches into a diatribe about being pissed about Lisa going to Planet Hollywood for Pandy’s party instead of The Palms. Ad’s mad that “Lisa’s not supporting me!” After all, she talks about how great Lisa’s restaurant is on camera, why can’t Lisa stay at The Palms on camera? Maybe she wanted to be on the strip and not attacked by the kitchen help, ya ape. If you want cameras at your hotel, offer more free shit first.
Kennedy’s pulled a Janet Jackson at her own party, and she’s being sued by the FCC. Don’t pout, little one! Bigger names have pulled through those lawsuits! I can’t think of any, so you’ll just have to trust me. At least your mom saw this coming and had five extra dresses brought over! What the hell is wrong with these people? You plan for a five year old’s boob falling out?
If I was Justin Timberlake I’d get a pass. SEXISM!
Over at table wackadoo, Twitch is telling Dana that she’s a cowgirl. When she went to get her first horse, she expected it to be a trained horse cuz she’s used to Disney horses. Dana’s all “You’re kiiiiidding!” Don’t get her started, Dana. She’s an ICON! Twitch was all confused that the horse didn’t get down on its front legs to get her up, and she was perplexed when she got in trouble for having the horse shot after she was done with it. Ah, movie stars. She looks behind her crazily, and Brandi is behind her, staring. HAHAH! The western showdown music is killing me.
Brandi limps her ass tentatively over to Twitch, scared of getting in trouble. She goes up and says hi and how are you, and Twitch just nods confusedly and ignores her. She tells us that she is just gonna pretend B doesn’t exist. B just wants to smooth stuff over and doesn’t understand how accusing someone of being a meth head on national tv is a big deal. Kim gives her dead eyes, but she’s not totally unaffected. She’s worried she might have powder showing.
Brandi is offended, and said at least she tried. She can’t speak for Kim, hell, “Kim can’t even speak for herself.” HAHAHA. Dana laughs at Twitch for being a bitch, and Twitch shrugs and tries to remember who this chunky idiot is.
Brandi goes over to Kyle and tattle tales that Twitch was mean to her. Kyle tells us there’s no way Twitch will let go of any kind of anger. All she did was call her a lush and she’s still not getting return calls. Ace goes to say hi to Kennedy, and she hides from him. She’s the opposite of Paula Abdul. Except for the boob hanging out part.
Ace is ready to sing, but Russ wants to wait because he wants Kennedy to get her horse first. Good lord man! You know Fail is gonna say it gives her allergies and have it murdered. The first pet was sweet. The second is just animal abuse. Dana wants Ace to sing now, because he has a very busy schedule of…being cute or something. Russ tells her to calm down and she stalks off. Oh, and there’s super dramatic music playing right now, like we’re supposed to believe Russ is about to backhand Dana. It should be happy music.
Dana says she’s pissed because instead of this being about Kennedy, it’s about Russell looking like the father of the year. Kennedy doesn’t even know who Ace Young is. If you cared more about Kennedy having fun than Taylor looking rich and connected, this party would be at Chuck E Cheese followed by a trip to the Burbank shelter to see if Snowball’s remains were retrievable.
Mauri rides the bull and I get a boner. Thankfully, Paul goes next. I’ve gained some weight so my jeans are tight and boners hurt. Failor gives a speech to thank the guests for coming, and she goes through the whole “I’m just a poor girl from Oklahoma who pretended to be from the Ford family, so this is really special actually being rich off money I stole from a lot of you! Thanks for coming!” She ends with a line about this party being totally appropriate for a five year old, if you ask her. LOFail.
Ace launches into his song, and man. He’s more off key than I remember him. Ouch. Shhhh. Just be pretty. Shhhhhhhh. The cake has arrived, and it’s a horse!! I guess Russell didn’t buy a real horse for Fail to kill after all. Sad disappointed I didn’t get to see Taylor murder something horns. In unrelated news, I have a feeling Ace’s band doesn’t get asked to play kids’ parties a lot.
Sorry for the long drive, you guys, but we couldn’t do this near a school.
The song is one he wrote. “You Make Every Day a Birthday To Me.” Wrong crowd for that tune. Who the hell wants to be in their hundreds just because you don’t know how to read a calendar, fool? These people are running away from age, not tacking on years to make a rhyme. Brandi cracks up because Ace is so cheesy and he’s winking at the crowd while guzzling a drink onstage at a kids party. HAHAHA. I can’t help but like that ho. Something tells me Kennedy doesn’t like her cake.
It’s not moving. What did mommy do to it?
Kennedy’s always pissed off. Buck up, ya brat! I celebrated my birthday at Little Caesar’s and cried for three hours. Hey!! Now here’s a horse!! A real one! That little fucker! Failor jokes that this is the only thing she’s met that has lips bigger than hers. It’s not funny cuz it’s not true.
Nope. You still win in that department.
Failor tells us that her marriage sucks, but her goal is to be happy. She doesn’t say it’s going to be by fixing her marriage or anything, just that her goal is to be happy. Meh. Good luck with that one. You might wanna try being less crazy.
Stupid fuckin cake.
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