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Monday, November 21, 2011
10:40 pm
50 Comments
Tagged: ace young is still hot, ace young is still terrible, brandi glanville, bravo, bravoandy, bravotv, camille grammer, faye resnik is the monster under my bed, flipit, funny, grapes suck, hilarious, horse faces, kim richards, kyle richards, lisa vanderpump, old lesbian birthday cake mold, real housewives of beverly hills, recap, rhobh, shitty kids and their shitty parties, spoof, the palms is desperate, TV, tvgasm
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Taylor found a cake shaped like an old lesbian sailor lady for Kennedy’s birthday party, …
Slightly cheaper than the Mad Hatter theme, but is it practical?
Kyle met her sister Twitch’s new beau and looked at him in the only possible safe way,…
…and Taylor had a meltdown that embarrassed rubber women with sinkhole mouths the world over.
We open where we left off last week. Camille is having a hissy fit. I laugh inappropriately all over again. I can see why Camille never lets herself show any emotion. She looks like a flank steak wrapped in seran wrap.
Most likely to play Yenta the Matchmaker in the Shady Pines production of Fiddler.
She got cut off last week at “We don’t say that he hits you or beats you up or breaks your jaw or drops anvils on your head!” Apparently, she wasn’t done. Lisa tries to interject some calming English snooty/soothing tones, but Camille runs right over her and keeps shouting that Failor keeps bitching about being abused but never has one physical sign of proof. DAAAAMN!!! Wow. Last week, the ladies hinted that Fail might be lying or exaggerating about her boring rich homely dude abusing her, but Camille just flat out accused her. Suddenly, I am on Camille’s side. I’m going onto Rotten Tomatoes right now to give The Naked Detective a 100 percent fresh rating. Do your part, people. It’s like voting, but not as meaningless.
The room is silent after Camille stuck Fail with that one, and then Fail says “That’s not cool.” Suddenly she knows what manners are. Too late, snatch! Fail just gives Camille a big smile, like she won a point or something. Camille, not backing down, shouts “No, it’s not cool. But you set it up, Taylor! YOU’RE the one who needs to be honest, cuz THAT’S not cool!” Sure, Camille tells the world Frasier wears panties and has a hairy back and is a slimeball and pig, but she’s got facts on her side. If you’re gonna slander your husband publicly, do it with some truthiness, biatch!
Camille clunks out of there pissed as all get out while Fail just smiles like a crazy person. Or not. I can’t tell what that mouth is doing, but I can’t stop staring at it and wondering if Failor can go underwater or if those things force her to float all the time like a blow up toy.
I agree, Camille, Lisa is a bitch. YAY I WIN!
Lisa tells us that Fail has talked all of their ears off privately about homely rich boring guy abuse, and Fail’s ranting and raving when she’s got so many possible lies on the table was the string that scarred the stripper’s crack. Lisa gets up to follow Camille out, but decides against it when she remembers that severe emotions can lead to violent shits. Might be best to let the driver deal with Cam and her irritable bowels.
Failor, forgetting the faux rage she had worked up against Lisa, is suddenly trying to get her on her side. “What she said was above and beyond…” Lisa’s like “well you’re a wiener vein” and Fail’s all “but it huuuuurts” and Lisa’s all “five bucks for a bandaid”. Lisa says that she believed Failor’s stories about Russell….”at fihst. That’s why I didn’t like him!” Fail tries to muster up some tears and whines “yeah but you didn’t like me either!” Lisa verbally shrugs “I just didn’t get you.” In other words, why would I be friends with someone who’s telling the whole town her husband is beating her if he might not be? Fail doesn’t get it and says that she felt like she was a junior high girl getting dissed by a more popular girl and it hurt. Oh. Fucking. WAH.
Lisa, for the hundredth time, apologizes. Of course, she does it in the “I’m sorry you’re a fucking lunatic, dahling” way that she has, but still. She repeats that she doesn’t know what to make of Failor and was confused because she didn’t know what to believe. Well, that’s all? You just didn’t believe that I was abused? I had no idea that’s how you felt! I forgive you! LOLOLOLLLL!
Um, thanks?
Lisa tells us that she was humbled by Fail’s desperation to be her friend. HAHAH! THIS SHOW IS CRAZY. She tells Fail that she feels much better about it all, and Fail stops trying to cry and says she’s super happy they got their issues resolved. Kyle almost throws up on herself.
She makes faces and then says “That’s resolved?!?” She seems kind of pissed that after two seasons of hate, they are making up so easily. Probably because if they’re friends, they can compare notes on the crap Kyle talks behind their backs. She says flat out that the sudden reconciliation is weird, and she’s right, but Lisa probably just wants the melted tootsie roll to get the hell out of her house. Lisa says that she’s going to wipe the slate clean, because Fail needs a lot of work and Lisa needs a project. They hold hands and giddily affirm their friendship as Kyle (and America) rolls her eyes and wonders how to get Taylor to sign over her house to Mauricio.
You’re a pathologically lying anorexic rubber faced blowfish wannabe. Ah, honesty! How refreshing dahling!
Kim must have introduced them to that Crystal person.
There will be no break from crazy tonight. Straight over to Mister Toad’s house we go. Twitchy Kim has all her stuff in, and she tells us that it’s super hard living with someone who thinks his art piece of a giant ship is the Golden Gate Bridge.
The Titanic. Oh, and the piece is a bridge.
They’re both bossy and super controlling. She says she’s like an Arabian horse, then raaars like a cat. LOL.
Arabian horses are the best pets! They cuddle and poop in little boxes! Raaaar!
Kyle is “making” grapes for Portia over at her place, but Portia wants a reeeeal snaaaack! That brat talks too much. Give her a knuckle sandwich. That’ll shut her up! Kidding. You should never hit children. Lock her in a closet. Faye Resnik comes over with a notebook just in case Mauri has decided to decapitate Kyle. Girl’s gotta make a living! She also brings over vases and fabric swatches and tries to kiss the kid, who rolls her eyes at her.
Fuck it. I’ll take the grapes. Just get me away from the freak who sleeps under my bed and tries to scare me at night.
Faye tries to go over her color samples half heartedly, but Kyle wants to talk drama. She tells her about what Camille said at the Pepto Tea, and Faye tsk tsks. Kyle says it’s confusing to have a friend who says she’s being abused and then turns around and is happy again. Faye has been involved with some abuse charity for years, so she deems herself the expert and says that there’s a “honeymoon phase” after a woman has taken a beating, where the guy romances her and buys her flowers and stuff, and that’s why “these women” keep going back. Kyle nods very seriously like she’s never seen a Lifetime movie before.
Kyle doesn’t really wanna talk about the abuse. She says “confused” like ten times and hints that she doesn’t really even know if she should believe Taylor. Faye agrees that there have been no evident black eyes or anything, and all Kyle can do is love her yoyo of a friend. Then she contorts her face into a spitting image of Walter Cronkite to make Kyle smile. Portia screams and runs the hell outta there.
And that’s the way it is.
Pandy comes by the restaurant to show Lisa the bridesmaids dresses. I think Lisa already owns like a hundred copies of this. Pandy, get your own life, girl! The first day her gay husband silently fahts in the study she’s gonna be downright giddy. That girl needs a trip around the world.
My mummy makes the rules in this town and you’ah gonna pay!
The bachelorette party is gonna be in Vegas. Well that should be fun! The Palms has been kinda empty so it will be great to have a bunch of pasty brits partying it u…oh wait. It’s going to be at Planet Hollywood. Lisa says one of her deah, deah friends will be hosting it. In other words, that shit is free. Being a cast member on a Housewives show is like having the best val-pak of all time. Pandy wants Lisa to come, but Pumpy’s not so into hanging out with Pandy and her boring friends and watching gay dudes take off their clothes for money. She’s already got one at home who does it for free. Granted, he looks like a wookie and braids his nose hair, but still.
Cam meets Ad and Kyle for lunch. So how’s Cam doing? I’ll give you a guess: A. Awesome B. So happy to be here, or C. Tiiiiiiiiiired! Text your answer to 1-800-CAMILLEISANAHOLE. She had to go to her son’s school this morning and it was haaaaaard! Kyle, pretending she’s not here to call her possibly abused friend a raging lunatic liar, starts ooohing and ahhhhing about how cute it is when you go to school to see your kids read a story or something. Poor Portia keeps drawing pictures of Faye baring her fangs under her princess bed, but no one ever gets the hint. The women agree that kids are cute, and then Adrienne fellates a wine glass. She was up in arms over Giggy drinking out of her five thousand dollar glasses, but how is this any less nasty?
If you treated Paul half this well, he’d bitch at you a lot less.
The gayter comes over and fawns all over them. Once he’s flitted away, Cam says that she feels terrible about how things went down at Pepto Tea and she’s texted Failor a couple times but hasn’t received a response. She was just trying to help and be a good friend! Nothing says “I love you” like demanding to see bruises or a broken nose on national TV. Cam was just trying to reach out and help Fail. LOL! She gulps hard after she says that, knowing it’s total bs. She tells us that Fail “shouldn’t goat me” into saying stuff she doesn’t want said. Ah, Camille. You can take the dumb stripper out of English class, but you can’t take the … I forgot my point. I think it was that strippers should finish English class.
Camille knows she was in the wrong, but Ad disagrees. If Fail doesn’t want the whole town talking about her marriage, then she shouldn’t be talking to the whole town about it. Then she does a really mean impression of Fail when she gets all Asian and emotional.
Dongdingadongwahdongadingwaaahwah
Ad says Fail should just talk to a therapist and not them, and Kyle says that all she knows is there’s no way she’d still be there if she was getting beat. Awkward silence.
Western music is playing, and we are taken to the farm that Failor gets spinal fluid from buffaloes to keep her facial skin growing even though it’s mostly shopping bag material at this point.
It’s Kennedy’s bday party!! This time, Kennedy is dressed like a saloon hooker and Fail’s wearing short shorts. I don’t know how much this party cost, but it’s definitely cheaper than last time.
Denim. Look it up.
The bouncy houses aren’t set up, the animals for the petting zoo are still in their cages, the mechanical bull isn’t ready to give Fail her yearly moment of slutty drunkenness at a kids party…it’s a disaster! A disaster I tell you!
What are you bitching about? At least your petting zoo’s set up!
This is the fault of her party planner (Dana must come cheap) and her assistants. The only alertness I see here are Fail’s nips.
Turn off your headlights. It’s broad daylight.
Fail takes a leadership role, which means she walks around clapping her hands at the illegals off loading the trains and bulls and stuff. Dana shows up late, and Fail’s bitchy about it but Dana says that Fail wanted her to take a smaller role this year after being publicly flogged for the Mad Hatter fiasco. There was a lot of tacky shit going down at that party, but at least it was going down at all. This one is a mess. 70 chairs were delivered for the kids, but no tables. LOL. Who cares? They’re kids. Give em hot dogs and spankings. Fail says she’s gonna have a nervous breakdown. “My second this year.” Um….third. And those are the only ones we know about. That said, PLEASE do it. I’m bored.
Fail is told some dude named “Hi-Me” has the tables. LOL. She runs around asking people if their name is Hi-Me. The workers shrug and pretend they don’t know English so she’ll just go away. The tables arrive, and all is solved. Can we please go back to the part about how you’re probably lying about abuse and getting raked across the coals? That was more fun. Fail says that she’s super proud of this party, cuz Kennedy can “experience more with nature”. Huh? Ah, well, at least Kennedy is getting to see more of the world than her backyard. Now she’ll know that if she’s ever lost in the woods she can just look for the bouncy house or the train or ask a valet to tell her how to find the lady made out of playdo.
Russ is there and being nice, even though Kennedy has stolen his favorite part of the ranch.
The ladies start to arrive, and Kyle says it’s super awkward after the tea party cuz no one wants to see Russell. She squeals and kisses Fail anyway. Fail chirps “Have you seen Ace Young from American Idol? That’s Ace Young! Ace! Have you seen Ace? He’s over there! Ace Young!” Well that explains the headlights. I’m sure Kennedy is super excited that some old guy who was famous for ten minutes when she wasn’t even born yet is there to sing off key to her.
No offense. I love you so much! On mute.
Fail makes her way over to Ace and gushes all over him. He smiles charmingly, even if he’s most likely wondering what she’s hiding on her knuckles.
She keeps gushing and gushing and gushing and it’s uncomfortable. He asks her if she’s ridden the pony yet. EW! Well, he’s no Beyonce. He’s gotta work for tips. Fail laughs like a hyena and backs away slowly. Why do I make dinner while I watch this show? What a waste. Wanna hear more about Pandy’s wedding plans? Me neither. But here we go.
Lisa’s missing Kennedy’s party because she has to get some invites done and she doesn’t want to be tempted to openly mock Fail for spending so much of other people’s money on her kid when they just made up. Oh wait! I’m interested again! Look who’s here!
Shishishi!
There’s no reason China shouldn’t have their own gay Martin Short. Yay God! ShiShi is worried that the invitations Lisa has chosen aren’t gaudy enough already….
So he insists that they deliver scrolls. LOL. Lisa’s over his ass immediately, but he doesn’t back down. He giggles and says darleen a lot and shows them a sample of what he wants.
They’re a hundred fifteen per scroll. HA! He also wants to send presents made out of flowers or giant penises or traffic cones that people can sit on after they’ve read them. Gayancé wants to take a cone sample home, but Lisa stops him and agrees to the giant flower boxes. ShiShi is threel! Eets outraaajuss! You can have whatever stance you want on gay weddings, but you have to admit that shit would have a tremendous positive impact on the economy. Scroll workers deserve money too dammit! Speaking of creepy gay dudes at parties…
Get that horse of your shoulder. You’re scaring the children.
Kyle is on the mechanical bull. It kicks her off immediately. He doesn’t have to take your sarcasm and eye rolling. He’s just a day player. Sucka! Kim shows up and beams “I’ve done this before!” HA. No shit. You called it the eighties. Enter the Gimp bitch! Brandi shows up, limping along. So they’re still gonna try and make this work, eh? She’ll be slashing the tires on Ace Young’s bike by the end of the party. Mark my words.
Kyle gets Portia on a pony so she can talk shit with Fail, who says if Cam had the balls to show up she’d be shoveling shit. Girl, if Camille showed up she’d bring four horse faced nannies to shovel that shit for her. She’s pissed that Cam blurted out private information in front of other people. LOL! You’ve talked about it already with all those women, ya dumbass. She’s pissed at Camille, and I’m glad. Not because Cam was wrong, but because she’s only interesting when someone on this show is pissed at her. There are a few epis left in the season. There might be some life in our ole Shlemiel yet! Oh yeah. Also, Lisa called Fail and said her not showing up wasn’t because she was mad at her, it’s just because she’d rather spend time with someone whose face was less scary.
Ad and Paul show up with their devil children and immediately start talking shit. Ad does the obligatory “abuse is terrible” thing and then launches into a diatribe about being pissed about Lisa going to Planet Hollywood for Pandy’s party instead of The Palms. Ad’s mad that “Lisa’s not supporting me!” After all, she talks about how great Lisa’s restaurant is on camera, why can’t Lisa stay at The Palms on camera? Maybe she wanted to be on the strip and not attacked by the kitchen help, ya ape. If you want cameras at your hotel, offer more free shit first.
Kennedy’s pulled a Janet Jackson at her own party, and she’s being sued by the FCC. Don’t pout, little one! Bigger names have pulled through those lawsuits! I can’t think of any, so you’ll just have to trust me. At least your mom saw this coming and had five extra dresses brought over! What the hell is wrong with these people? You plan for a five year old’s boob falling out?
If I was Justin Timberlake I’d get a pass. SEXISM!
Over at table wackadoo, Twitch is telling Dana that she’s a cowgirl. When she went to get her first horse, she expected it to be a trained horse cuz she’s used to Disney horses. Dana’s all “You’re kiiiiidding!” Don’t get her started, Dana. She’s an ICON! Twitch was all confused that the horse didn’t get down on its front legs to get her up, and she was perplexed when she got in trouble for having the horse shot after she was done with it. Ah, movie stars. She looks behind her crazily, and Brandi is behind her, staring. HAHAH! The western showdown music is killing me.
Brandi limps her ass tentatively over to Twitch, scared of getting in trouble. She goes up and says hi and how are you, and Twitch just nods confusedly and ignores her. She tells us that she is just gonna pretend B doesn’t exist. B just wants to smooth stuff over and doesn’t understand how accusing someone of being a meth head on national tv is a big deal. Kim gives her dead eyes, but she’s not totally unaffected. She’s worried she might have powder showing.
Allergies.
Brandi is offended, and said at least she tried. She can’t speak for Kim, hell, “Kim can’t even speak for herself.” HAHAHA. Dana laughs at Twitch for being a bitch, and Twitch shrugs and tries to remember who this chunky idiot is.
Brandi goes over to Kyle and tattle tales that Twitch was mean to her. Kyle tells us there’s no way Twitch will let go of any kind of anger. All she did was call her a lush and she’s still not getting return calls. Ace goes to say hi to Kennedy, and she hides from him. She’s the opposite of Paula Abdul. Except for the boob hanging out part.
Ace is ready to sing, but Russ wants to wait because he wants Kennedy to get her horse first. Good lord man! You know Fail is gonna say it gives her allergies and have it murdered. The first pet was sweet. The second is just animal abuse. Dana wants Ace to sing now, because he has a very busy schedule of…being cute or something. Russ tells her to calm down and she stalks off. Oh, and there’s super dramatic music playing right now, like we’re supposed to believe Russ is about to backhand Dana. It should be happy music.
Dana says she’s pissed because instead of this being about Kennedy, it’s about Russell looking like the father of the year. Kennedy doesn’t even know who Ace Young is. If you cared more about Kennedy having fun than Taylor looking rich and connected, this party would be at Chuck E Cheese followed by a trip to the Burbank shelter to see if Snowball’s remains were retrievable.
Mauri rides the bull and I get a boner. Thankfully, Paul goes next. I’ve gained some weight so my jeans are tight and boners hurt. Failor gives a speech to thank the guests for coming, and she goes through the whole “I’m just a poor girl from Oklahoma who pretended to be from the Ford family, so this is really special actually being rich off money I stole from a lot of you! Thanks for coming!” She ends with a line about this party being totally appropriate for a five year old, if you ask her. LOFail.
Ace launches into his song, and man. He’s more off key than I remember him. Ouch. Shhhh. Just be pretty. Shhhhhhhh. The cake has arrived, and it’s a horse!! I guess Russell didn’t buy a real horse for Fail to kill after all. Sad disappointed I didn’t get to see Taylor murder something horns. In unrelated news, I have a feeling Ace’s band doesn’t get asked to play kids’ parties a lot.
Sorry for the long drive, you guys, but we couldn’t do this near a school.
The song is one he wrote. “You Make Every Day a Birthday To Me.” Wrong crowd for that tune. Who the hell wants to be in their hundreds just because you don’t know how to read a calendar, fool? These people are running away from age, not tacking on years to make a rhyme. Brandi cracks up because Ace is so cheesy and he’s winking at the crowd while guzzling a drink onstage at a kids party. HAHAHA. I can’t help but like that ho. Something tells me Kennedy doesn’t like her cake.
It’s not moving. What did mommy do to it?
Kennedy’s always pissed off. Buck up, ya brat! I celebrated my birthday at Little Caesar’s and cried for three hours. Hey!! Now here’s a horse!! A real one! That little fucker! Failor jokes that this is the only thing she’s met that has lips bigger than hers. It’s not funny cuz it’s not true.
Nope. You still win in that department.
Failor tells us that her marriage sucks, but her goal is to be happy. She doesn’t say it’s going to be by fixing her marriage or anything, just that her goal is to be happy. Meh. Good luck with that one. You might wanna try being less crazy.
Stupid fuckin cake.
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50 Comments
LOL! Great recap, flipit! Thanks!
That cake kinda resembles Ad, desn’t it??
Man, I can’t believe people think those huge rings are pretty!?
Flip, you never cease to amaze daaaahling. The recap is speedy and spot on.
Being a cast member on a Housewives show is like having the best val pak of all time. Ain’t that the truth, especially in Bev Hills. Maybe Taylor isn’t so crazy after all for wanting soo desperately to fit in. Hell $2,200 dollar bottles of champagne, private plane rides, friends with homes in malibu, maui and colorado, friends that own Vegas hotels and sports teams. Hell I need to rethink my values, kiss my dignity goodbye and start kissing the asses of all those rich people who live up the hill from me. At the very least it would cut down on my wine and grocery bill. Why risk foreclosure when I can drink someone else’s champagne and eat their cavier this holiday season?
Kennedy’s totally inappropriate for a child/all about my famewhore mom birthday parties are going to be the stuff of housewives lore. Just when you thought you couldn’t top Taylor dancing on a table and a song for Kennedy with lyrics that tout her trout lipped mom’s beauty, we get sexily slurring Ace and Failor’s nips. Can’t wait for Failor’s, I mean Kennedy’s next birthday party. The first one without daddy. It will be a memorial/cougarfest/children’s fantasy land. Would neverland, Peewee Herman and Phadrae’s client who can service himself be available? That would be all kinds of creepy er great.
Oh and who knew, nipple hard was possible with fake boobs. Color me edumacated. EEEW!
caviar. cuz you know, you should know how to spell the stuff you eat.
“Yeah, well you’re a weiner vein”…Flipit, you ALWAYS deliver, and just in time for the holidays – can’t wait to call my evil bitch-of-a-niece a weiner vein.
And color me edumacated as well about nips on fake boobs. Or do surgeons build in fake nips, too? When they showed Failor with the high-beams on, the voice in my head said, “Whoops! Looks like The Pointer Sisters are making an appearance…”
Whoa, whoa! Everybody out of the pool! I’m confused. Didn’t Camille and Lisa imply that Failor has been faking the abuse? My wife says no, they only accused her of talking about abuse when she wanted attention but then getting mad at other people for discussing it. I, like Flipit, assumed they were saying she was lying about it. Did the producers just have Camille accuse Fail of faking abuse, and then just DROP THE STORYLINE? Did Failor just kiss Lisa’s Limey ass and make up after Lisa says “I don’t know what to believe about you (and your abuse stories)?” It’s weird. What am I missing?
I guess every year Bravo is going to pay for a bigger and more expensive birthday party. Next year, they’ll rent the whole Ringling Bros. circus for a private showing. When Kennedy turns 7, Bravo will rent CERN, and the kiddies will get to smash their own atoms. The elusive Higgs boson will be discovered when it collides with Failor’s lip constructs, and its characteristic decay particles are detected. And, because CERN can be bought just as surely as Ace will whore himself out to RHoBH, it will rename the particle the Higgs/Kennedy is 7! bosun.
If you’re a “singer”, what’s more embarrassing, writing a custom song–and then actually singing it–for a Real Housewives spawn, or singing one of those local chain store jingles–”Let’s all go down to Fred’s ShoeMart, cuz Fred’s got the best in shoes! YEAH!!!” and have to hear that shit on the radio all day long, reminding you that, in any just universe, you would have died as a child?
When you get implants, don’t they just kind of slit the underside of your fun bag and slide that toxic goo/saline-filled bag in there? They don’t go in there and hollow it out like a jackolantern, first, do they? I thought it was still functional tissue, just raised up from below. So, Failor’s emaciated, undernourished little boobs should still be capable of Spontaneous Nipple Erections (SNES). Unless Russel broke her nipples’ spirit before, too, before he shuffled off to Buffalo.
My understanding is implants decrease sensitization in the area. So NE with stimulation of some sort can often be impossible. Maybe Failor’s were malfunctioning. SNES at inopportune times. Or maybe this was an appropriate time for her. She had reached her attention whoring peak so to speak.
For the love of God, please stop talking about Taylor’s nipples! Some of us are eatin’ here…..
I am so sick of the fake kissing and the fake laughs.
Along with the fake hair, fake boobs, fake lips, fake friendships, fake eyelashes, fake tans, fake psychics, fake money, fake apologies, fake parties,fake faces,and Fake Resnick.
If ever a series begged to be cancelled it is this one.
Hi! Only on page three here but the screen grab of Ms. Maloof reminds me — why do ladies have their tongues out like that when drinking? Is she trying not to smear her lipstick or something? This really bugs me, I notice it a lot, it looks really weird and uncouth. Thanks for any feedback !!
P.S. Also I thought Brandi looked like she was on stilts when she was shown from behind limping over toward Kim. That’s what a high-waisted skirt can do for ya ! And I got a kick out of the “western showdown” type of music that played during that scene.
A final thought — I am sick of seeing Vyle throw her head back in laughter. That girl laughs way too easily and often to be sincere.
I wonder how long it will be before Kennedy comes down with some mysterious ailment and the horse goes to the glue factory?
What parent throws a party for a 5 year old that has 200 of her “closest” friend among the invitees? Talk about excessive.
And seeing Russell trying to take part in those dumb activities was heartbreaking. The damage that will be part of Kennedy’s life can be laid at the feet of her ugly mother. And yes, Taylor is ugly.
mrs. crankyguy and I thought last night that Fake Resnick looked like Steven Tyler’s twin tranny sister.
While watching the ladies discuss the proverbial elephant in the room, Taylor’s abusive marriage, it struck me there is still an even bigger elephant in the room that no one is discussing: Did Camille lose her eyebrows in the divorce too? Why does she not have actual eyebrows and the replacements are drawn in so thin? I could forgive Frazier for leaving her and trying to take the kids but I cant forgive him for going so low as to take her eyebrows…thats just petty!
@crankyguy- when Faye was on screen, Shantiguy asked “Has she had plastic surgery?” Bless his big dumb heart.
Oh my Flipit, you’re asianese is getting better each week! I blurted hahahahaha’s all over my pre-fab desk module. Thank goodness my co-workers are just as awful as I am and appreciated the break in mind numbing silence that is our reality.
There are way too many inappropriate instances in the episode to address and you took care of that in your own special way anyway, so I won’t elaborate. I just would like to see everyone- yes even the CHILDREN- from last night’s show, get bitch slapped to Jupiter.
Wow, Ace.
Before losing her father to the rope there was something wrong with Kennedy. It showed up last year as extremelyshychild but this year it is looking more like antisocialextremelywierdchild who doesnt want anyone to see or talk to her.
@Katie: It’s the greeting ritual I can’t hack–double air kiss, “Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiii! “looooook at yoooouuuuuu!” “No, you look good! You’re soooooo cuuuuuuuute!” “And just look at those shooooooooooooooes!”
It’s the trademark of all the other Housewives shows, too. Although Atlanta puts a ‘hood rat spin on it. “Dah-yaaaaaaaam, boo!! Yo lookin’ fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine! And ya got dem Koreans to give ya the five-coluh nail job? Woooooooord, bitch!”
shantigal, that’s the hallmark of great plastic surgery–where some people can’t tell for sure. Did she or didn’t she? I just can’t tell, damnit!
As for antisocialextremelywierdchild, I’m definitely feeling the “bad seed” vibe from her, and it may be a character flaw on my part to be creeped out by a five-year-old, but I can’t help it.
Kennedy has a “locked in a closet” vibe. Although, I’d probably lock myself in a clost, too. And the sad thing is that she has key moments of her fucked up childhood all on tape. Dr. Drew, start watching now because you know she’ll be your patient in 15 years.
My favorite part was Twitch and the Titanic Gate Bridge. They were actually a cute couple, and it’s fun to play house like that. She’s such a kook.
I don’t know why, but I’m liking Paul more and more. He probably has a good bedside manner to his patients.
Taylor tried to make this party somewhat for the kids, so maybe she made a little effort at least, but Kennedy still is the saddest five-year-old girl I’ve ever seen. More play dates with Kennedy and Portia please! That’s the only time I’ve seen her smile.
There were too many hilarious lines in this recap to list, but I think my favorites were It’s not moving. What did mommy do to it? and Look for the lady made of play-doh.
I bow to you Flipit! Just when I start thinking, “there is no way he will be able to work in a line about Russel’s suicide,” you give us “Russ is there and being nice, even though Kennedy has stolen his favorite part of the ranch.” with a photo of her on the swing. That, is PERFECTION, my friend.
Also, why is that Kim’s crazy doesn’t bother me? I sometimes find it entertaining, sometimes I even find it *endearing. But, Taylor’s crazy always creeps me out. It’s like looking into the dead eyes of a shark and I want to get as far away from it as possible.
Flipit you and Plath are going to get me fired. Love your totally inappropriate nonPC recaps. This is such a horrible cut up job for editing. Did no one watch this before it aired to at least attempt to makee sense out of any of it? This episode had more weaves than Atlanta, Black Beach week and Midwest Freaknik put together. I understand they didn’t want to scrap the whole season, but really. My head hurt after this epsidoe.
Yes you can get hard nipples even though you have fake ones. Problem with fakies is where the nips end up. Some women end up with permanent nips and/or facing the wrong way like a lazy eye.
Plath my reasoning – Kim’s crazy is not her fault (well it is now because there is no “help” being sought) that comes from family and being a child star. She never seems to want to hurt anyone, just be left alone. Taylor’s crazy because she is needy and greedy. She tries way too hard at everything. Kim isn’t up in anyone’s face (except Brandi, but again Meth Brandi? how do you know so much unless you use?) trying to be friendly like Taylor. If Kim is there and it works great, if not so be it. Taylor tries extra hard when it fails, tries anything. Look at the tea party fiasco.
I was still not sure if I believe Taylor about the abuse. Paul made a point to mention the bruising from a procedure he did when he was talking to her by Lisa’s gate. Also, last year when she got rid of the dog. That didn’t strike me as someone who was worried that Russell would hit her. She seemed like she was going to “go Oklahoma” on him when they were alone. Loved the recap!!
Awesome recap, Flipit! I loved the High Noon music too. I feel sorry for Kennedy. No way is she having such a lavish party next year. How will they be able to justify it?
Seeing Kim with Ken, I think we’re getting glimpses of the less crazy Kim. It’s nice to see. Of course this annoys Kyle because a more stable Kim is a Kim she’s going to have less control over. Wouldn’t it be awesome to watch these two sisters slowly switch roles? Kim’s stable and sensible and Kyle’s a twitchy mess. *Fingers crossed*
Yay for the return of bitchy Camille. So much more fun than modest Camille. Dana can leave now.
Flipit you are an EVIL GENIUS!
Imagine if this show WASN’T re-edited???? I do!
Augmentation does not impede nipple erection. At least not mine.
By the way, does anyone know about the lax posting of blogs for these women? Did they get a break from Bravo because of Russell the dangling muscle?
@labowner, I have always wondered if any of the wives were required to blog, or if it was just something they were offered as a means of explaining their version of what happened? In the earlier seasons, I don’t remember every single Housewife having a blog and it seems only recently that they all do it after the show airs. So maybe they are just exercising their right not to write anything?
How caan these people still walk around while being so dead inside.What a misearable bunch.Omly thing good about this show is your wonderful recaps.I think BRAVO would fail without TVGASM
why are there no bravo message boards for BH???
“What the hell is wrong with these people? You plan for a five year old’s boob falling out?” LOLVL!
“Dana laughs at Twitch for being a bitch, and Twitch shrugs and tries to remember who this chunky idiot is.” Can’t stop laughing!
So much hilarity in this recap! Loved it! I didn’t want to copy and paste it all!
@NWMTV: I felt the same way you did! It seemed Camille outright accused Taylor of lying about her abuse since there was no evidence. Lisa concurred, and then they just DROPPED it! I was very surprised when Taylor said it was “resolved” and that she FORGAVE Lisa! I was thinking “So does Lisa BELIEVE HER NOW?!” DOES ANYONE? WHY?!!!
Lame, Bravo! You can’t just drop a bomb like that and then NOT PURSUE IT! It makes no sense! ALL of the ladies have doubts, confront Taylor, she doesn’t confirm OR deny. She just charges on in her quest to become Lisa’s friend! So annoying! Why isn’t everyone backing away from her as a pathological liar?!
Also, I’m dying to know what the ladies think about all of Taylor’s fake names!!! Being on the show can’t be worth filming with a gigantic fraud. I did read that Taylor might be fired after this season, but one can only hope.
@Sunshine: ‘That didn’t strike me as someone who was worried that Russell would hit her. She seemed like she was going to “go Oklahoma” on him when they were alone.’
Could not agree more. I’ve always said that in their – clearly dysfunctional – relationship, she behaves more like the abuser than he does. I never believed her claims of abuse, and am convinced that she was making it all up for attention and sympathy. Also, as someone suggested last week, I think she was working very hard to get herself invited to become a live-in friend by one of the richer women. Too bad they saw through her too, or else we would have had another Cedrik situation developing.
Failor’s behavior at the party, her blatant and conspicuous flirting with Ace, almost to the point of throwing herself at him, did not show a woman afraid of her husband and his ‘abuse’. Had he been what she tried to paint him as, she would have never dared to flirt so openly and giddily, right in his face. She’s a terrible human being, and it’s a shame her daughter already has a detachment syndrome going – she has absolutely no emotional connection with this child, and vice versa. The kid plainly has issues already, and they will probably develop into full blown psychosis of some kind as she ages. That famewh0re of a mother will not do anything to get the kid help, because the kid’s problems are going to be another crutch for her to use to paint herself as a victim and demand sympathy.
Camille didn’t say anything out of turn – she voiced what they all were thinking and discussing. The only support she got was from Lisa, as Ad was missing in action again, and Kyle being the f-ing coward that she is just sat there with her mouth closed. I don’t see Shlem had anything to feel bad about, and should not have even tried to apologize to Failor. That lunatic needed a talking to, and she got it in droves – too bad it all clearly missed the mark as she is still, and will remain forever, clueless.
I think the only reason Lisa was so accommodating, and agreed that the ‘problem had been resolved’ and ‘they will now be friends’, was that she was honestly terrified by that freak. Who knows what she might have done were she allowed to keep floating in her delusions. Instead Lisa brought her very gently down to earth, and thankfully hushed down the whole storm in a tea cup Failor had going in her head.
Vyle once again showed herself as a selfish, useless, back-stabbing, cowardly c-word. She obviously thrives on conflict, provided she can protect herself from engaging in it. Her side-taking, gossip spreading, pot stirring, are really coming into full view. She looked ready to smack Failor aside the head for ending the friction with Lisa (oh, we know that will never last), because now she will lose her place of a ‘confessor’ and ‘crying wall’. That’s the same reason she was pissed at Kim for moving in with her new guy – suddenly Kim is independent from her anymore, and Vyle defines her life in terms of who she is better than, whom is her husband handsomer than, who can she manipulate for her own sick mean-spirited satisfaction. That bitch knows that you always look best standing next to a homely one, and she’s turned it into an art to always have someone ‘homelier’ (literally and figuratively) next to her.
Dana is an evil b!tch wanna-be. Her giddy support of Failor’s snubbing Lisa, and this week her hacking laugh after Kim snubbed Brandi – oh, it made me wanna kick her in the face. And her most vile comment thus far, for me, was her b!tching that ‘Russell wants to be seen as father of the year when it should all be about Kennedy’ – while the reason for that cutting remark was that she wanted to make it all about Ace and her little step-son. She seriously SUCKS BALLS as a party planner, too! She ‘coordinated entertainment’??? Is that what it was? No sh!t, dumba$$. A no talent, no voice, no career, no future gigolo hack, plus her ‘gifted’ step-son as accompaniment? She knows no shame!
Finally – the selfishness of the women on this show has no bounds, and they seem to have lost all decency, that is if they ever had any to begin with. Ad b!tching that ‘Lisa went to her competition’ for Pandy’s bachelorette party, instead of ‘supporting me!!!’ – WTF ?? Because Pandy’s party should definitely not be about what Pandy wants and likes, hell NO, it should be about Ad and her business and her prostituting herself on this show to get publicity for it. I thought that was the lowest thing Ad has said yet, and it put her character in a completely new light – she is all about $$$, thru and thru, and that might be the only reason she’s even deigning to breather the same air as the rest of these women. Mercenary publicity wh0re.
Yes, Camille and Lisa were accusing Taylor of lying. And I think Taylor was quick to “resolve” the situation with Lisa in a way that covered that up so she wouldn’t have to address it. I did think it was funny how all of them kept saying “It had never been mentioned in a group setting,” instead of coming out and saying “IN FRONT OF THE CAMERAS” which was what the problem was. Is there some ban on mentioning the cameras?
BWAHAHHAAHAHAAA!!! OMG, the recap was funnah!! Flipit, I love thee! At 3:30 pm on Thanksgiving, can we both be still shoveling stuffing in our face while pretending to help clear dishes?
Dear God, thank you for Maurisio riding the bull. But God, next time, please let his shirt fly open? Amen…
Dear God, when the bull throws Paul, can it be out of frame next time? xoxoxo, LAC
Failor, another year, another party that is not about your daughter, but about you providing some exposure for an American Idol poseur. Just because you throw some horses and haystacks out there doesn’t make it better than last year’s Mad hatter Vogue spread, you anaconda. I hope Kennedy calls you out on your shit when she is older.Children are not purses!
Ok,when is Brandi going to be a part of this show? She cannot rely on Dana for that entry – bitch can’t talk with her mouth full of whatever got heated up in the microwave, and bowing and scraping before twitchy seems a waste of time( she might think that you are trying to steal her house). Start sucking up to Camille! All you need is to look sympathetic to her problems of working with a staff of 15 and an adult diaper.
I don’t get why Ad is mad at Lisa for the Planet Hollywood thing. I mean, I have yet to see Lisa throw a fit when any of the other girls go to a competing restaurant. Did Lisa call up Ad because her and Paul went to that asian restaurant for his birthday? Of course not! I think part of the problem is that Ad thinks Lisa contacted Planet Hollywood and booked the party without even asking her, but if Lisa is correct and a family friend offered it gratis, that is a different situation.
I agree @ Snootchy Bootches: Ad was out of line. It wasn’t about her. When she said that about supporting Lisa’s restaurants I was thinking, “When”? I don’t think we’ve ever seen Ad &/or Paul eat at Villa Blanca. Heck, except for Lisa working, nobody on the show is filmed there at all & they all meet up to eat or drink occasionally. And, why didn’t Ad ask Lisa before complaining to Taylor?!
It’s easy to speculate, but it’s not fair to say whether or not Russell was violent with Taylor. Yes, she is slimey and a scammer, but you never know. There is no way to tell what goes on behind closed doors. Even if she doesn’t “seem” to be a victim of domestic abuse, you can’t be too sure. All I know for sure is that they were both completely fucked up for a bevvy of reasons.
As for the Planet Hollywood / Palms thing, I was thinking that Lisa and Pandy wouldn’t want her party to be at the IT Vegas hotel of 2002. The Palms’ glory has come and gone.
@polk8dot, thanks for another insightful and perspicuous personality analysis of these horrible women and their bullshit.
I don’t believe Taylor about the abuse thing..she is too much of an ourspoken bitch..the way she yelled at Lisa. Taylor is an ugly sicko ~my god..even the birthday cake horse looked better than Taylor she is a real whore..and Kennedy_ poor thing very wacked out child..Porta is so normal ~ I liked the person who wrote above “more playdate needed with Porta” You are not kiddin..I think foster care is needed! I wonder if taylor yells @ her the way she yelled @ Lisa..Taylor is so ungluded I wonder how she can mother?!!!
That should have said “And, why didn’t Ad ask Lisa before complaining to KYLE?!” OOPS! Kyle loves being in the middle even though she denies it; and she doesn’t have anybody’s back (except the one instance with Kim against Brandi and I think Kyle already had her OWN issues with Brandi), but she expects everybody to have hers.
HAHA “Kim must have introduced them to that Crystal person” HAHAHAHA LOVE it!!
I did a spit take with mah diet coke when Kim turned and looked at Brandi. OMG!! HAHA. Flipit, you must crack yourself the hell up writing these recaps. I’m working a night shift trying not to bust out laughing and wake up the clients. you make that very very hard, thank you for that.
@Maryedith -i think there may be because my sister that on Jacueline Laurita’s Twitter she refers to the camera’s as “the eyes” (such as “Teresa waited until ‘the eyes’ were there to call Melissa a stripper”
As far as the Russell thing, i just always believed Taylor. I still do. i even attributed a large part of his final decision to being exposed as an abuser. I mean, he could have made more money, that wasn’t really a reason to do it. And i would think that if he was falsely accused he would want to live to expose Taylor as a crazy person slandering his name. In fact, if he could prove that she was lying he could sue her.
But Russell didn’t need to be exposed as an abuser. His reputation was already shot. Season one he was shown as a cold person who didn’t care about Taylor and who might have been seeing someone in Scottsdale. This season is AFTER re-editing. It must have really been bad especially with all of the accusations against abuse. The accusations didn’t need to be true. He would be tried in the public arena and would forever be labelled regardless of what happened. Being accused of domestic abuse is a lot like being accused of racism or other terrible stuff. There is no way to defend it. There are so many people where the topic is a “hot button” that they jump on it with their own baggage and could never consider that the person might be innocent. And if anyone suggests that the allegations aren’t true, they are accused of “blaming the victim.” He was totally screwed no matter what.
And we will never know for sure, but all I can say is that Taylor shows way more abuser behaviors than victim behaviors, imo.
@Snooty Bootches, I agree with you to the point that I will share a very dark story from my past that I still struggle to understand. I lived for years next door to a woman who had a fairy-tale marriage fifty per cent of the time, and the other fifty per cent of the time was apparently living in an abusive marriage. After a long time I finally realized that there was a pattern of her having these outrageous fits of hysterical anger — throwing things, yelling horrible insults, — that would result in the guy losing it and hitting her. The guy should NOT have hit her; I am in no way excusing him, but the thing was she knew that he was capable of violence and she would create these scenes anyway, even though she had two young daughters in the house. Whenever she made a new friend she would reveal, after a month or so, the dark secret that her husband abused her. The new friend would be horrified and spend all their time thinking about this woman and how to help her, etc. Her husband, just like Russell, was very quiet, perhaps a tad creepy, but overall seemed totally bewildered in public. One minute his wife was hanging all over him, he was the best husband in the world; the next minute she was in a huddle with all her friends shooting frightened little glances at him. The whole thing was so sick. I see exactly the same dynamic between Taylor and Russell. And she’ll move on to the same thing with the next guy. As I said, I’m not excusing Russell, if he did hit her, but I’m certain it was not the typical controlling-abuser, passive-abusee relationship.
The looks on Kyle’s face on page two is the feeling she gets when Taylor crawls out of her ass and climbs up the ladder and into Lisa’s without saying good-bye.
(I’m late to the party but just had to give my two cents -all that I can afford
First time long time everyone…hello.
@ Maryedith, I appreciate you sharing that story. Abuse is taboo and horrible and takes many forms. Fact is, we’ll never know the truth and we’re watching a re-edited version of this season. Certainly we can infer all we want but, we’re seeing what Bravo chose to let us see. Yes these people are terrible but I think it only fair to remember that this is a TV show and the object is to create viewership and that’s what they’re doing.
I find Bravo disgusting in this instance.
Just my two cents. Thanks
Thanks, Internet Lady. I agree.