Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kyle learned how to use the forward facing camera on her phone and scared the living crap out of herself,…
Who threw acid on Demi? AAAAGHGHGH!
…ET landed on Earth again. This time as a slutty pill popper,…
Get this bitch some Reese’s Pieces stat.
…and Taylor dumped Russell after she stopped getting invited to parties and group trips.
Having fun? My marriage is over. Still having fun? You’re not supposed to still be having fun. Hello? Hellllllooooo?
We open with Paul and Adrienne hiking hand in hand along the beach. They haven’t held hands in years, and Paul promises to start paying more surgical attention to Ad’s hands so that they won’t chafe his palms if they do this again. Ad jokes/begs him not to throw her off a cliff, but he wouldn’t do that. She explained episode one that there was a prenup.
Meanwhile, Mauri earns his paycheck.
Kim Twitchards arrives in Hawaii with Mister Toad, her possibly abusive controlling paramour.
I hope they have ponies for us to ride in the water. I love ponies and they swim real good. Ew to pony poop though. What if one floats by us? I’ll scream. I wonder if the sea ponies will know I’m an ICOOOON!
Kyle hears Twitch clucking her crazy ass down the hall and looks really excited to finally have her sister there.
Hide the coke.
Kyle runs to the peephole to see if that’s Twitch’s voice or a tank platoon invading the hotel. Mauri, thinking the cameras are on his wife, gets money docked from his paycheck.
They’re putting Twitch right next door to Kyle, and she wonders how that happens. Um, I’ll explain it in as few words as possible:
She runs to the wall and eavesdrops, and I laugh and laugh. When she’s traumatized by Toad grunting while Twitch screams old lines from Meatballs 2 in ecstasy, I’m not gonna feel bad for her.
Honey, let’s steal her hotel room.
Twitch and Toad sit on their balcony talking about how male ducks are hotter than female ducks. I’m not making that up. Kyle, ear plastered to the door, wishes her sister had had the common decency to come by and say hi so that Kyle didn’t have to ruin her ear makeup. Down the hall, Ken is having more fun teasing his wig than any human being should be allowed to have.
Please make it stop.
Wig cap. You’re welcome.
It’s the night of Mauri’s birthday dinner. Kyle stops by Lisa’s room to encourage her to wear a pink bra that will show under her dress (really bad friend. Toxic. Axe her.) and then they head down to the beach, where Lisa jokes with Brandi about being all over her man and hijacking the color pink. How do you think Hello Kitty feels? Lisa tells us that she tried her best not to like Brandi, but like us, she can’t help herself. Mauri whips out a twenty and tries to get a local to sit next to him shirtless so he can not look obese.
Local dude says that he is going to take them on a path to dinner, so “whane I blow, follow me.” Brandi cracks “That’s what they all say!” and laughs. So do I, even I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. The local blows the conch shell, and I immediately worry for Piggy. Not Mauricio, the real one.
Twitch and Toad arrive, and holy mother of Jehoshaphat, Toad’s shirt. He looks like the slot room at The Golden Nugget.
Twitch compliments Toad’s lei and he mouth breathes out “Nah. You’ah my lay.” EEEEWWWWWW!!! My wiener just de-friended me on facebook. The best part of their arrival is when Brandi looks for the fire exit.
Twitch explains that they were so late to Hawaii because Toad had to work, and she ends her flurry of bs with “whatthisuffaliff.” Whatever the fuck that means. Kyle tells us that Twitch is a bundle of lies/excuses as usual, and Mauri says openly that he thought Ken was retired. Twitch says that she just lied about Toad having to work because one lie is easier to tell than twenty. Twitch logic is baffling, so let’s just move on before our heads explode. Mauri gives a toast in Spanish, which reminds Lisa that the suitcase she stuffed her maid in never arrived.
After his toast, which, loosely translated, meant “amnesty or riots”, Mauri grills Toad on how he’s supposed to be retired. Toad scrunches his face like a snail being touched by a finger.
Then he breathes like Darth Vader after a jog around the block. Camille says his leg and arm are shaking under the table as he’s grilled. LOL. Twitch tells Mauri and Kyle to mind their bees and live their own lives. Kyle calls bullshit and gets all uppity, and then Mauri tries to get a kiss from her. Twitch makes fun of his voice and gets a kiss from Toad. Gross. You have to remember when you’re into someone enough to commit, you’ll be marrying their family, too. That’s why my plentyoffish ad’s title is “Sorry Your Family is Dead, Take Care of Me Instead”. I find that rhymes help.
Please kiss your husband so I don’t have to watch this.
Point is, who the fuck cares why Twitch and Toad are late? You had one night without stories of how Twitch once rode a rainbow. Be grateful and let it goooooo. Change of subject. Let’s stop harping on Twitch’s craziness and open up on Failor! Twitch announces that Fail called to let the world know her marriage was over. Twitch slurs “Maybe zoshecan gum to thuh negztdinner party!” HAHAHAH!!! Called it!
Ad and Paul think it’s bs and they’ll be back together in two weeks, and Camille agrees, saying that Fail is the little boy who cried wolf. But richer. And whinier. And with a way giant-er mouth. All she does is yammer on about getting abused over and over. What a bore. The ladies all start yipping like Chihuahua’s and I think Twitch speaks for us all when she says…
Why duzmy breath smell lige gasoline? Don’dlighd amadge.
Paul gives a toast to the most beautiful woman he knows, and Brandi blushes and thanks him. Then he makes out with Adrienne while everyone screams in terror. It’s like this show knows that 2012 is the year I decided to finally make bulimia work for me and it’s kind enough to help me along.
Camille shits the chair.
True emotion is as deadly as a cinnamon Jolly Rancher.
Brandi says that Paul and Ad are freaks, and probably get it on with other chicks and possibly some dudes. LOL. Dinner is served! Twitch snorts it.
Twitch is all slurry and all over her gross dude while Kyle looks on and wahs to Lisa, who tells her to get over it cuz you can’t fix crazy. Mauri, who gets a really strong Mexican accent when he drinks, apparently, gives a toast to dee trooth pero este tacos al carbon. Twitch doesn’t get that he’s dissing her openly again. She hears “drink” and joins right in.
Twitch tells us that “Maurice” blurting out that “The truth will set you free!” quote is only gonna make stupid Brandi start spouting off about basketball again. Kyle starts in on her, and Twitch says they need to discuss it privately and drop it. Kyle refuses, and Mauri jumps in and says that if Twitch would just stop lying about stuff they’d be ok. “You owe it to yourself.” LOL! You owe it to yourself to grovel at your sister’s feet at a table full of awkward onlookers, dammit! Do yourself a favor and crryyyyyyy. Twitch stays calm (boooooo), calls him Maurice one more time for good measure, and refuses to get into a brawl. I don’t know what she’s on, but I hope she stops that shit soon. It’s killing scenes.
The next morning, everyone’s in a bus to go on a field trip. Well, everyone but Twitch and Toad. Kyle goes up to her room to make sure she’s breathing, and Lisa joins her to show off the training bra she’s wearing underneath her transparent Russell. Look, I’m no more afraid of boobs than the next man (ok that’s a lie), but Lisa, please, for the love of Xenu, GET A SHAWL OR SOMETHING.
No one answers, so they go around and sneak onto the balcony. Lisa just doesn’t wanna see them humping. Well I don’t wanna see your fake ass squeezed in between balcony rails, but here we are. Kyle knocks and shouts that they’re all waiting for them through the glass door. Twitch just shuts the blinds on them. HAHAHAAH!!!! They go back around to the front door and Lisa takes over. Americans are afraid of accents, and Twitch finally opens the door. She’ll only allow Kyle in, though. I love this show. Lisa lectures them and tells them to get their asses in gear. The girls decide fuck it, let’s leave ‘em.
At the loading dock, Maurice and Kyle talk about how gorgeous the island is. Lisa likes salt water too.
Ding dong. What kind of fish live in theah, dahling?
Twitch and Toad finally come downstairs and take their own car to the boat. Twitch lists her latest drama about requesting a wake up call that never came and the ringer doesn’t work and stamps taste funny so she never sends mail. Lord, woman. Do you not remember Toad just telling the world that he set the alarm clock wrong? Agree about stamps, though. They’re gross.
The boat floats away just as Toad and Twitch pull up, and they all decide to leave them. Mauri’s gonna be the only mouth breather on this trip. Camille says Twitch needs to learn that the world doesn’t wait for her. “It certainly doesn’t wait for me.” Poor Camille will mourn the loss of Frasier when she can get past losing Club MTV. It’s haaaaaard.
Twitch and Toad are like fuck it. There’s a restaurant named Crystal’s that they’ve been wanting to try anyway. They try and figure out which lie to stick with. Twitch doesn’t know why her phone alarm didn’t go off. No, the regular alarm was set. Oh, then why didn’t they get a wakeup call? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? And why does Regis Philbin look more and more like Newt every day? Toad interrupts her stream of unconsciousness to report that for some reason his eye is bleeding. “I got a fingernail in there or something.” The camera men are missing a lot of good shit with these two in order to watch Lisa poke people in the tits.
On the boat, Lisa is untying Brandi’s bikini bottom and saying that non sluts would have double knotted it. LOL. Snorkeling! Mariachi music! Back fat!
Back at Crystal’s, Twitch is slurring on about nothing I can make out. Toad, talking with his mouth full and breathing out of it at the same time (it’s a skill), says that he doesn’t like the disrespect coming from everyone else and he doesn’t appreciate his privacy being infringed upon. LOL. They waited for you for almost an hour, dick! They laugh and slur about Maurice’s stupid “the truth shall set you free”, not realizing or not caring that they’ve told like a hundred lies in two scenes. They’re trashy drunks, and frankly I got enough of that at Christmas. I feel confident typing that knowing my family swore off reading my recaps years ago.
Speaking of white trash, Brandi is making conversation with a deck hand (is that what you call them? Boats are scary) while Lisa talks about what a hot slutty ass she has. Hehehe. This episode has been fun so far, so let’s get our weekly dose of misery in and head over to see what Fail’s doing.
Sad music plays as she arrives at the “We’re Not Invited Anywhere” luncheon over Dana’s house. Fail’s sporting the “Does she or doesn’t she have a black eye?” do, and it’s refreshingly disturbing.
Easy, breezy, beautiful…
Fail’s past couple of weeks have been hell. Dana says that she always believes Fail no matter what and keeps blabbing on and on. Fail stops her and fake sobs about getting rid of Russell. Dana consoles her by saying that everyone called her a liar because they didn’t want the abuse to be true. Good lord, Dana. Isn’t there a fifty thousand dollar muzzle you can buy? Fail fake sobs that it’s hard for her friends to not be standing up for her right now. All she did was sick her possibly abusive husband on them with his bad dentures and lawsuit threats. What’s the big deal? Dana starts injecting super helpful comments like “you’re awesome!” and “I’m so psyched to know you!” into the conversation, which is super awesomely helpful. It ends the pity party, so we can thank her for that.
Twitch and Toad show up in the evening to meet up with everyone else for drinks. Lisa just wants an apology, but she gets the famous Twitch “Herbedyflerbedysunisfireandfirehurtssowhyizitalwaystryintokillus?” monologue. I rewound a few times and put the whole thing into Google Translate, but there was no “Drunk CrazyBitch” in between Danish and Dutch. Didn’t hear a sorry there, but could have been Translate’s fault.
Twitch moves on to Paul and Ad, who are being really nice and complimenting Ken, who “seems like a really nice guy”. Toad marches up to them and slur/breathes that he doesn’t like not knowing what’s going on. Paul says “We were just talking about you!” and Toad responds with a pissed off slur “I know. I know ya are. I just doneno why.” He’s like a really fat creepy lizard person. Twitch tries to smooth it over, and Toad doesn’t believe it because Ad’s face is scaring him. Welcome to the club.
Twitch is embarrassed, as she should be. Ad promises to soften her face, but Paul says he’s worked way too hard on it to let that shit happen. Toad tries to drop it, but it’s too late. He’s now an abusive asshole. I love that this show always tries to make it look like Kyle is an overbearing bitch (which I guess isn’t a total lie) and then they come around to show us that she was right the whole time. This guy is a fucking creep, and if my addict sister ended up with him I’d throw her ass into rehab, steal the drugs out of her house, and change my phone number. Then I’d do the drugs until they ran out. Then I’d pick her up and ask her where she got them. Wait. Where was I?
At dinner, Toad tells Twitch that she doesn’t like brie. She disagrees kinda. Cheese abuse. Is there no end? Kyle asks Twitch what she did today, and Twitch blahslurs about how amaaaazing lunch was and how mountains are shaped like triangles. She says “everything happens for a reason” again. She has said that ten times at least. I’m all for a positive attitude, but I don’t think when Buddha came up with that gem that he meant it to be used and excuse not to show up at places cuz you’re drunk all the time.
Kyle nags Twitch some more, but is ready to just let it go. Maurice whines to her, though, saying that it’s a really uncomfortable birthday dinner. Oh pull up your panties you drama queen! This swings Kyle into action, and she revs up again and asks Twitch again how she missed the flight. Twitch calls her an egg beater. Them’s fighting words! Or are they? I don’t really know any more. I keep typing and wondering if people will laugh at me if I tried to enter college at this age and get a new career.
Twitch thinks that all these bitches are doing is harping on her for no reason, so she tells Kyle that she wouldn’t appreciate it if Twitch nagged her for driving while being on the cell. HAHAHAH!!! Man, Twitch should be a lawyer. Jury confusion always leads to an instant acquittal. Kyle gets pissed that she was just called an inconsiderate driver and says that accusation is like Kyle calling Twitch a child molester. What the fuck are these people even talking about any more? What the hell are they doing in Hawaii spending all this money? They need to be one place, and it’s free:
The bickering goes on a bit and the Toad blurts out “We don’t chhhare.” The guy is so gross. He talks like he’s snoring. Kyle snaps “I’m sure you don’t!” Brandi rolls her eyes and twirls her hair. HAHAHAH. Toad continues that he just wants to have a good time and he hopes Kyle does, too. She says she is having a good time, and he says he can’t tell. She’s causing drama at a table full of onlookers. What’s not fun about that? Sorry it’s not bowling or collecting cheap bridge sculptures from tourist shops or enabling ex ICONs. Can’t please everyone. Twitch just wants to leave, so they do. Thank God. Now Lisa can get back to fondling the guests.
As they walk off together, Toad slurs/snores that he couldn’t listen “to the voice. It’s like one of those horns…that goes through the air.” I honestly can’t believe this relationship doesn’t last. These two are fucking perfect for each other. Their vows would have been like a Mad Libs. I, ______ agree to _________’s _________in __________. Stickers! Ransack! Ronald Reagan! Home Depot!
Kyle is wahing at the table about what an ass her sister is, and Lisa says Twitch is a mess and there’s no changing it. Then everyone starts arguing. Brandi jumps in and says it’s obvious Twitch has issues and has to help herself. Toad’s just an enabler and…Paul jumps in and disagrees. Brandi disagrees with him disagreeing, and she’s right. I think Paul is trying to say that they don’t know Twitch is an addict. Because someone else saying it publicly like that is tacky, but when he does it it’s just fun. Or something. After all, he only called her an addict in front of the cameras, not the cast members. Kyle wants to take everyone’s advice, but says she doesn’t know how she’s just supposed to ignore the elephant in the room. Sure you do! You’ve been friends with Fail for two seasons now.
Next week, Fail shows up with a shiner to a party, Cedric the Leech shows up to a party and gets a shiner, and Twitch babbles incoherently and cries a lot. See you then!
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