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Tuesday, January 10, 2012
12:35 am
72 Comments
Tagged: adrienne maloof, brandi glanville, bravo, bravoandy, bravotv, camille grammer, dana is an ass, episode 137, flipit, forgot a hanging joke!, fts, funny, kim richards, kyle richards, lisa vanderpump, make it stop, please for the love of god when is it over?, psyched to know you, real housewives of beverly hills, recap, spoof, taylor armstrong divorce, TV, tvgasm
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kyle learned how to use the forward facing camera on her phone and scared the living crap out of herself,…
Who threw acid on Demi? AAAAGHGHGH!
…ET landed on Earth again. This time as a slutty pill popper,…
Get this bitch some Reese’s Pieces stat.
…and Taylor dumped Russell after she stopped getting invited to parties and group trips.
Having fun? My marriage is over. Still having fun? You’re not supposed to still be having fun. Hello? Hellllllooooo?
We open with Paul and Adrienne hiking hand in hand along the beach. They haven’t held hands in years, and Paul promises to start paying more surgical attention to Ad’s hands so that they won’t chafe his palms if they do this again. Ad jokes/begs him not to throw her off a cliff, but he wouldn’t do that. She explained episode one that there was a prenup.
Mount YoudieIdiepooramanjaro
Meanwhile, Mauri earns his paycheck.
Kim Twitchards arrives in Hawaii with Mister Toad, her possibly abusive controlling paramour.
I hope they have ponies for us to ride in the water. I love ponies and they swim real good. Ew to pony poop though. What if one floats by us? I’ll scream. I wonder if the sea ponies will know I’m an ICOOOON!
Kyle hears Twitch clucking her crazy ass down the hall and looks really excited to finally have her sister there.
Hide the coke.
Kyle runs to the peephole to see if that’s Twitch’s voice or a tank platoon invading the hotel. Mauri, thinking the cameras are on his wife, gets money docked from his paycheck.
Instafatty
They’re putting Twitch right next door to Kyle, and she wonders how that happens. Um, I’ll explain it in as few words as possible:
She runs to the wall and eavesdrops, and I laugh and laugh. When she’s traumatized by Toad grunting while Twitch screams old lines from Meatballs 2 in ecstasy, I’m not gonna feel bad for her.
Honey, let’s steal her hotel room.
Twitch and Toad sit on their balcony talking about how male ducks are hotter than female ducks. I’m not making that up. Kyle, ear plastered to the door, wishes her sister had had the common decency to come by and say hi so that Kyle didn’t have to ruin her ear makeup. Down the hall, Ken is having more fun teasing his wig than any human being should be allowed to have.
Please make it stop.
Wig cap. You’re welcome.
It’s the night of Mauri’s birthday dinner. Kyle stops by Lisa’s room to encourage her to wear a pink bra that will show under her dress (really bad friend. Toxic. Axe her.) and then they head down to the beach, where Lisa jokes with Brandi about being all over her man and hijacking the color pink. How do you think Hello Kitty feels? Lisa tells us that she tried her best not to like Brandi, but like us, she can’t help herself. Mauri whips out a twenty and tries to get a local to sit next to him shirtless so he can not look obese.
Local dude says that he is going to take them on a path to dinner, so “whane I blow, follow me.” Brandi cracks “That’s what they all say!” and laughs. So do I, even I don’t know what the hell she’s talking about. The local blows the conch shell, and I immediately worry for Piggy. Not Mauricio, the real one.
Twitch and Toad arrive, and holy mother of Jehoshaphat, Toad’s shirt. He looks like the slot room at The Golden Nugget.
Twitch compliments Toad’s lei and he mouth breathes out “Nah. You’ah my lay.” EEEEWWWWWW!!! My wiener just de-friended me on facebook. The best part of their arrival is when Brandi looks for the fire exit.
Twitch explains that they were so late to Hawaii because Toad had to work, and she ends her flurry of bs with “whatthisuffaliff.” Whatever the fuck that means. Kyle tells us that Twitch is a bundle of lies/excuses as usual, and Mauri says openly that he thought Ken was retired. Twitch says that she just lied about Toad having to work because one lie is easier to tell than twenty. Twitch logic is baffling, so let’s just move on before our heads explode. Mauri gives a toast in Spanish, which reminds Lisa that the suitcase she stuffed her maid in never arrived.
After his toast, which, loosely translated, meant “amnesty or riots”, Mauri grills Toad on how he’s supposed to be retired. Toad scrunches his face like a snail being touched by a finger.
Then he breathes like Darth Vader after a jog around the block. Camille says his leg and arm are shaking under the table as he’s grilled. LOL. Twitch tells Mauri and Kyle to mind their bees and live their own lives. Kyle calls bullshit and gets all uppity, and then Mauri tries to get a kiss from her. Twitch makes fun of his voice and gets a kiss from Toad. Gross. You have to remember when you’re into someone enough to commit, you’ll be marrying their family, too. That’s why my plentyoffish ad’s title is “Sorry Your Family is Dead, Take Care of Me Instead”. I find that rhymes help.
Please kiss your husband so I don’t have to watch this.
Point is, who the fuck cares why Twitch and Toad are late? You had one night without stories of how Twitch once rode a rainbow. Be grateful and let it goooooo. Change of subject. Let’s stop harping on Twitch’s craziness and open up on Failor! Twitch announces that Fail called to let the world know her marriage was over. Twitch slurs “Maybe zoshecan gum to thuh negztdinner party!” HAHAHAH!!! Called it!
Ad and Paul think it’s bs and they’ll be back together in two weeks, and Camille agrees, saying that Fail is the little boy who cried wolf. But richer. And whinier. And with a way giant-er mouth. All she does is yammer on about getting abused over and over. What a bore. The ladies all start yipping like Chihuahua’s and I think Twitch speaks for us all when she says…
Why duzmy breath smell lige gasoline? Don’dlighd amadge.
Paul gives a toast to the most beautiful woman he knows, and Brandi blushes and thanks him. Then he makes out with Adrienne while everyone screams in terror. It’s like this show knows that 2012 is the year I decided to finally make bulimia work for me and it’s kind enough to help me along.
Camille shits the chair.
True emotion is as deadly as a cinnamon Jolly Rancher.
Brandi says that Paul and Ad are freaks, and probably get it on with other chicks and possibly some dudes. LOL. Dinner is served! Twitch snorts it.
Twitch is all slurry and all over her gross dude while Kyle looks on and wahs to Lisa, who tells her to get over it cuz you can’t fix crazy. Mauri, who gets a really strong Mexican accent when he drinks, apparently, gives a toast to dee trooth pero este tacos al carbon. Twitch doesn’t get that he’s dissing her openly again. She hears “drink” and joins right in.
Twitch tells us that “Maurice” blurting out that “The truth will set you free!” quote is only gonna make stupid Brandi start spouting off about basketball again. Kyle starts in on her, and Twitch says they need to discuss it privately and drop it. Kyle refuses, and Mauri jumps in and says that if Twitch would just stop lying about stuff they’d be ok. “You owe it to yourself.” LOL! You owe it to yourself to grovel at your sister’s feet at a table full of awkward onlookers, dammit! Do yourself a favor and crryyyyyyy. Twitch stays calm (boooooo), calls him Maurice one more time for good measure, and refuses to get into a brawl. I don’t know what she’s on, but I hope she stops that shit soon. It’s killing scenes.
The next morning, everyone’s in a bus to go on a field trip. Well, everyone but Twitch and Toad. Kyle goes up to her room to make sure she’s breathing, and Lisa joins her to show off the training bra she’s wearing underneath her transparent Russell. Look, I’m no more afraid of boobs than the next man (ok that’s a lie), but Lisa, please, for the love of Xenu, GET A SHAWL OR SOMETHING.
No one answers, so they go around and sneak onto the balcony. Lisa just doesn’t wanna see them humping. Well I don’t wanna see your fake ass squeezed in between balcony rails, but here we are. Kyle knocks and shouts that they’re all waiting for them through the glass door. Twitch just shuts the blinds on them. HAHAHAAH!!!! They go back around to the front door and Lisa takes over. Americans are afraid of accents, and Twitch finally opens the door. She’ll only allow Kyle in, though. I love this show. Lisa lectures them and tells them to get their asses in gear. The girls decide fuck it, let’s leave ‘em.
At the loading dock, Maurice and Kyle talk about how gorgeous the island is. Lisa likes salt water too.
Ding dong. What kind of fish live in theah, dahling?
Twitch and Toad finally come downstairs and take their own car to the boat. Twitch lists her latest drama about requesting a wake up call that never came and the ringer doesn’t work and stamps taste funny so she never sends mail. Lord, woman. Do you not remember Toad just telling the world that he set the alarm clock wrong? Agree about stamps, though. They’re gross.
The boat floats away just as Toad and Twitch pull up, and they all decide to leave them. Mauri’s gonna be the only mouth breather on this trip. Camille says Twitch needs to learn that the world doesn’t wait for her. “It certainly doesn’t wait for me.” Poor Camille will mourn the loss of Frasier when she can get past losing Club MTV. It’s haaaaaard.
Twitch and Toad are like fuck it. There’s a restaurant named Crystal’s that they’ve been wanting to try anyway. They try and figure out which lie to stick with. Twitch doesn’t know why her phone alarm didn’t go off. No, the regular alarm was set. Oh, then why didn’t they get a wakeup call? And how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie pop? And why does Regis Philbin look more and more like Newt every day? Toad interrupts her stream of unconsciousness to report that for some reason his eye is bleeding. “I got a fingernail in there or something.” The camera men are missing a lot of good shit with these two in order to watch Lisa poke people in the tits.
On the boat, Lisa is untying Brandi’s bikini bottom and saying that non sluts would have double knotted it. LOL. Snorkeling! Mariachi music! Back fat!
Back at Crystal’s, Twitch is slurring on about nothing I can make out. Toad, talking with his mouth full and breathing out of it at the same time (it’s a skill), says that he doesn’t like the disrespect coming from everyone else and he doesn’t appreciate his privacy being infringed upon. LOL. They waited for you for almost an hour, dick! They laugh and slur about Maurice’s stupid “the truth shall set you free”, not realizing or not caring that they’ve told like a hundred lies in two scenes. They’re trashy drunks, and frankly I got enough of that at Christmas. I feel confident typing that knowing my family swore off reading my recaps years ago.
Speaking of white trash, Brandi is making conversation with a deck hand (is that what you call them? Boats are scary) while Lisa talks about what a hot slutty ass she has. Hehehe. This episode has been fun so far, so let’s get our weekly dose of misery in and head over to see what Fail’s doing.
Sad music plays as she arrives at the “We’re Not Invited Anywhere” luncheon over Dana’s house. Fail’s sporting the “Does she or doesn’t she have a black eye?” do, and it’s refreshingly disturbing.
Easy, breezy, beautiful…
Fail’s past couple of weeks have been hell. Dana says that she always believes Fail no matter what and keeps blabbing on and on. Fail stops her and fake sobs about getting rid of Russell. Dana consoles her by saying that everyone called her a liar because they didn’t want the abuse to be true. Good lord, Dana. Isn’t there a fifty thousand dollar muzzle you can buy? Fail fake sobs that it’s hard for her friends to not be standing up for her right now. All she did was sick her possibly abusive husband on them with his bad dentures and lawsuit threats. What’s the big deal? Dana starts injecting super helpful comments like “you’re awesome!” and “I’m so psyched to know you!” into the conversation, which is super awesomely helpful. It ends the pity party, so we can thank her for that.
Twitch and Toad show up in the evening to meet up with everyone else for drinks. Lisa just wants an apology, but she gets the famous Twitch “Herbedyflerbedysunisfireandfirehurtssowhyizitalwaystryintokillus?” monologue. I rewound a few times and put the whole thing into Google Translate, but there was no “Drunk CrazyBitch” in between Danish and Dutch. Didn’t hear a sorry there, but could have been Translate’s fault.
Twitch moves on to Paul and Ad, who are being really nice and complimenting Ken, who “seems like a really nice guy”. Toad marches up to them and slur/breathes that he doesn’t like not knowing what’s going on. Paul says “We were just talking about you!” and Toad responds with a pissed off slur “I know. I know ya are. I just doneno why.” He’s like a really fat creepy lizard person. Twitch tries to smooth it over, and Toad doesn’t believe it because Ad’s face is scaring him. Welcome to the club.
Twitch is embarrassed, as she should be. Ad promises to soften her face, but Paul says he’s worked way too hard on it to let that shit happen. Toad tries to drop it, but it’s too late. He’s now an abusive asshole. I love that this show always tries to make it look like Kyle is an overbearing bitch (which I guess isn’t a total lie) and then they come around to show us that she was right the whole time. This guy is a fucking creep, and if my addict sister ended up with him I’d throw her ass into rehab, steal the drugs out of her house, and change my phone number. Then I’d do the drugs until they ran out. Then I’d pick her up and ask her where she got them. Wait. Where was I?
At dinner, Toad tells Twitch that she doesn’t like brie. She disagrees kinda. Cheese abuse. Is there no end? Kyle asks Twitch what she did today, and Twitch blahslurs about how amaaaazing lunch was and how mountains are shaped like triangles. She says “everything happens for a reason” again. She has said that ten times at least. I’m all for a positive attitude, but I don’t think when Buddha came up with that gem that he meant it to be used and excuse not to show up at places cuz you’re drunk all the time.
Kyle nags Twitch some more, but is ready to just let it go. Maurice whines to her, though, saying that it’s a really uncomfortable birthday dinner. Oh pull up your panties you drama queen! This swings Kyle into action, and she revs up again and asks Twitch again how she missed the flight. Twitch calls her an egg beater. Them’s fighting words! Or are they? I don’t really know any more. I keep typing and wondering if people will laugh at me if I tried to enter college at this age and get a new career.
Twitch thinks that all these bitches are doing is harping on her for no reason, so she tells Kyle that she wouldn’t appreciate it if Twitch nagged her for driving while being on the cell. HAHAHAH!!! Man, Twitch should be a lawyer. Jury confusion always leads to an instant acquittal. Kyle gets pissed that she was just called an inconsiderate driver and says that accusation is like Kyle calling Twitch a child molester. What the fuck are these people even talking about any more? What the hell are they doing in Hawaii spending all this money? They need to be one place, and it’s free:
The bickering goes on a bit and the Toad blurts out “We don’t chhhare.” The guy is so gross. He talks like he’s snoring. Kyle snaps “I’m sure you don’t!” Brandi rolls her eyes and twirls her hair. HAHAHAH. Toad continues that he just wants to have a good time and he hopes Kyle does, too. She says she is having a good time, and he says he can’t tell. She’s causing drama at a table full of onlookers. What’s not fun about that? Sorry it’s not bowling or collecting cheap bridge sculptures from tourist shops or enabling ex ICONs. Can’t please everyone. Twitch just wants to leave, so they do. Thank God. Now Lisa can get back to fondling the guests.
As they walk off together, Toad slurs/snores that he couldn’t listen “to the voice. It’s like one of those horns…that goes through the air.” I honestly can’t believe this relationship doesn’t last. These two are fucking perfect for each other. Their vows would have been like a Mad Libs. I, ______ agree to _________’s _________in __________. Stickers! Ransack! Ronald Reagan! Home Depot!
Kyle is wahing at the table about what an ass her sister is, and Lisa says Twitch is a mess and there’s no changing it. Then everyone starts arguing. Brandi jumps in and says it’s obvious Twitch has issues and has to help herself. Toad’s just an enabler and…Paul jumps in and disagrees. Brandi disagrees with him disagreeing, and she’s right. I think Paul is trying to say that they don’t know Twitch is an addict. Because someone else saying it publicly like that is tacky, but when he does it it’s just fun. Or something. After all, he only called her an addict in front of the cameras, not the cast members. Kyle wants to take everyone’s advice, but says she doesn’t know how she’s just supposed to ignore the elephant in the room. Sure you do! You’ve been friends with Fail for two seasons now.
Next week, Fail shows up with a shiner to a party, Cedric the Leech shows up to a party and gets a shiner, and Twitch babbles incoherently and cries a lot. See you then!
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72 Comments
“Easy, breezy, beautiful…take cover, girl.” – Genius, Flipit!
Oh Flipit, there are tears running down my cheeks because I have been laughing so hard about the MAD LIBS wedding vows! Brilliant!
Let me tell you, those Richard Sisters sure do know how to manipulate their men. Mauricio (who was probably just Maurice back when he met Kyle, and then fancied it up to sound more exotic when he went into the realestate business) only started with his “truth will set you free speech” when Kyle gave him a pointed look. And Ken, he started taking all the blame for Kim’s lateness and “defending” Kim when she gave him the “help me” look.
I think Ken thought Adrien and Paul were giving Kim shit about him or something, and that is why he came over all hostile, because Kim had riled him all up before they came for dinner, saying everyone is against them. And Kim actually made him think that coming to her defense was his idea all along!
My favorite moment in this episode wasn’t even mentioned in the recap Flipit. It was when Kim was coming down the elevator with Ken, late for the car to take them to the boat, and she narrates that she is never late, that this is so unlike her. She goes on to say that she is a Virgo, and therefore it is against her nature to be late. So much so, Kim says, that she is usually five minutes early to everything.
You know, in her mind, I think that she honestly believes this to be true.
On a lighter note, I went out to dinner last night. I was treated to a fancy dinner in a fancy restaurant and stuffed myself silly. The appetizers were crisply fried fresh avocado eggrolls–stuffed with a little sun-dried tomato, red onion, and cilantro–and a peanut dipping sauce (amazing–just melted in your mouth), the entrée was delicious braised short ribs that were so soft they were falling off the bones, creamy scalloped potatoes, and perfectly roasted Broccolini. Dessert was a chocolate bread pudding that took the baker 35 minutes to make, and was covered in sweet cream, followed by some cranberry and almond nut biscote. I could barely move afterward. But one look at the food they were all eating on the trip, and I started salivating like I hadn’t eaten in a week. Damn but that food looked good! It is amazing to me that anyone could have such a foul temper at such a beautiful place. And when the sisters are around each other, they are just miserable together.
Why couldn’t Kyle just be happy that she got to enjoy all the time she did before big sis showed up? Kyle likes to be miserable, I think. She thrives on the attention of being the injured party. She is really annoying. She may find it rude to come to a party late and then lie about why, but I was taught it was passive aggressive and RUDE to talk about someone at a dinner table–especially when they are sitting right across from you! I will not be taking my Miss Manners lessons from the Cuntess or either of those Mean Girls.
Anyway, fucking good job Flipit! Change careers if you must, but under any circumstances, do not stop recapping this shit cause you are amazing at it!
Also, I want to go to Hawaii too.
Love
Sad, jealous horns.
I saw a lot of addict behavior in this episode. And I am not talking about alcohol. Toad’s paranoia? Addict behavior. The missing events, lateness and constant illogical excuses? Addict behavior. Kim being barely able to keep her eyes open during lunch? Addict behavior. And if I had to guess, I would say opiates. And definitely both of them. I wonder if Kim is doing a bit of oxy along with the rest of those meds. Of course, I am not a doctor and even if I was you can’t diagnose through a tv screen, but I grew up with a drug addict and I know the signs. It really is painful to watch.
Am I the only one who thinks Taylor’s possible shiner is a little too convenient? All this time no visible marks but now when she needs it, a black eye? I’m calling bullshit. After all, when she described the breakup to Kyle and Lisa on the phone there wasn’t even mention of a fight. She said they talked it out rationally etc. She is such a fucking liar. She is truly sickening. I had a black eye like that once. I accidentally walked into the open closet door. Hurt like a bitch too.
Maybe I am just jaded with all the Taylor and Kim bullshit, but I found the other scenes strangely refreshing. It was great seeing everyone so relaxed and joking around. I’ve noticed that Brandi seems to bring a more joking/laughing/fun atmosphere to parties (at least when the two drama llamas aren’t around).
Thanks for another great recap, Flipit!
Wait, wait! Twitch is a “Marlin Fisher”???? bwahahahahaha! Anderson Cooper was on with bobble head and could not shut up about how ugly Toad is. TFF!! Oh and side note they said the reunion was taped last week. Marlin Fisher!!!!
If Kyle cries on one. more. episode., I’m gonna “Russell” her up and dot her eye for her…it’s no wonder Twitch is such a mess. Seems that Kyle’s martyrdom status is being threatened and it’s so fun to watch her panic. When Mr. Toad (who I love, especially when he showed up in that shirt that Big Poppa Fingherdu would intentionally wear to a party full of muckety-mucks) said, “We don’t care” to Kyle, I stood up and applauded.
@ Snootchy: May I borrow your “Drama Llamas”? It is hilarious and can’t wait to use that descriptive on my sisters.
LOVE YOU, FLIPIT, and your inspiring recaps!
Oh man. Ken totally came through on his promise to bring it if the entourage didn’t start respecting Kim. Did you see the way he aggressively GATHERED UP THE CRUMBS FROM KIM’S PLACE MAT!?
Bravo would probably love to have the film and money it spent on that Toad/Twitch conversation over lunch. It was like listening to Bill and Ted discuss existentialism.
The Househusbands are getting really good at shit stirring, aren’t they? They’re pretty much part of the drama machine, now.
@Wilma – Feel free! I don’t own it but I will gladly take the royalties.
Oh wait, maybe not. I don’t want someone cornering me in a limo and screaming “YOU STOLE MY FUCKING PHRASE!” after I call them an alcoholic.
@Featherhead – I forgot about that!
I think MARLIN FISHER should be right up there with COCK! Oh and by the way… COCK!
Sorry for the repeat comments but I forgot this one. Ever since the scene in the white party where Kim was such a bitch to Brandi about the word fuck, I have been paying attention. So far Kim, Lisa and Kyle have said it. Hey, everyone needs a hobby right?
This was the best episode all season long because it was low on the Failor drama and jammed packed full of Twitch!
I don’t get Kyle. Why does she sit at the dinner table, a few feet from her sister and talk about her and make a scene? Grow the fuck up woman!
I didn’t want to like Brandi but she is quite funny. I’m glad Lisa got on the Brandi Train as well.
No Drunk Crazy Bitch between Danish and Dutch…LOLOLOL.
Thanks for making my morning Flipit! Don’t ever change.
OK, first of all let me put it out there that Kyle is a bitch. However, I give her a pass with her dealings with Kim. Having an addict for a sibling is a living hell (as I know all to well) and the manipulations, drama, and plain bullshit family members have to deal with is exhausting. Not for nothing did Mama Richards leave Kim to Kyle in the will.
Addicts are selfish assholes. Period. I have no more sympathy for Twitch than I do for that other selfish bitch Fail.
@snooty bootches – I agree that the scenes without Failor were so refreshing and fun to watch. These ladies do not need a lying, grifting whore to make good television.
If I’ve said it once I’ve said it like ten times: I WANT TO SEE THE REUNION!
God I can’t stand Vyle.
WWHL live Anderson Cooper and Camille was actually funny last night. Better than this episode. And who ever thought I would say this but STFU Maurice!
Failor and the hair over the eye? Hmmmmm.
You may not have had a Russell hanging comment, but the bit about Lisa wearing a “transparent Russell” made me lol. Kim should have at least apologized for being late, or tried maybe showing up on time for one thing. But Kyle and Mauricio made their guests uncomfortable by not letting it drop. Take Kim to the ocean and dunk her in a few times to sober her up. Don’t give everyone at the table indigestion by raking up family drama in front of them.
And seriously, the White party, a trip to Hawaii and two dinners to celebrate a birthday? Maybe if your Bill Gates wealthy or royalty. Otherwise, simmer down Maurice.
If it serves of any consolation, let me tell you that in Brazil now they a show called “Rich Women”. On the first ep one of them, Val (kill me, please!
), went out to buy an airplane!! Then, she says, “Buying an airplane is the same as buying a blouse!”
http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/jan/03/mulheres-ricas-brazil-rich-women
**Back to reading the FlipCap**
Kcar, AMEN on the Month of Maurice Birthday! WTF? He is like the Housewive by proxy and is really showing his ass more and more this season. You can really see how much Kyle has worked her Wiccan magic on him. Bleech. Cry me a river Vyle. I swear she and Failor have the same acting coach and they quit taking lessons once they learned how to cry on cue.
I agree, less Failor, more everything else!
Along with the rest of the commentors, how can these bitches waste a beautiful trip to Lanai on calling out the drunk? That is so last season!
DOES ANYBODY LEARN ANYTHING??????? Twitch could have 32 e-mail suits in that one episode!!!!
So could Toad but…”u tlk bad bout me i no like”.
“Their vows would have been like a Mad Libs. I, ______ agree to _________’s _________in __________. Stickers! Ransack! Ronald Reagan! Home Depot!”
Excuse me while I go change my pants…..
Is there anybody here who has watched all the episodes of this show who thinks that Taylor’s shiner was inflicted by Russell? I think it is far more likely that she punched herself in the eye to garner sympathy. Taylor is a very creepy woman.
I happily stand corrected from my comment last week- Lisa is totally in jest and likes Brandi! I guess I let the editing elves trick me again. And I’m so glad because those two are my favorite. I love Lisa talking about how hot Brandi is and pointing out her great ass because it makes Vyle’s head spin around and around. When she mentioned Brandi didn’t have a single dimple of cellulite Vyle almost broke her neck trying to find some!
And Thank you thank you thank for posting pics of Ken V doing his hair! I had to rewind and watch that part three times! He looked so so weird.
The one thing I do have sympathy for Kyle is in dealing with Kim. Yes, I think she should’ve shut up at dinner and let it go and enjoy the 92nd celebration of Mauricio’s web-footed crawl from the swamp, BUT the addiction and craziness has to be hard. I appreciate the other commenters with experience weighing in because I have not dealt with addiction and can’t recognize it but I know something is amiss.
Also I will say the whole “you stole my house” is bs. Kim needed money and sold her share. Then she wanted back in. Yes, Kyle obviously got a good deal but frankly her refusal to sell is probably less to do with money and control and more to do with not wanting to be financially tied to someone unstable and dishonest. Also wanting to keep the house for the family and not risking losing it on a midnight meth fix. Mixing money and biz with addicts is a bad idea. And no one said how many times Kim had previously asked to be bought out and gotten back in. Justmytwentycents.
Have not read the recap yet, but just HAD to say how incredibly creepy I find Fugly Ken. His paranoid reaction toward Adrienne and Paul was scary. He seems out of his drug-induced mind most of the time. No wonder Kyle is sceered of him being with Kim! Now, on to the recap!
@crankyguy- or if anyone is on doubt, check this out…scroll to Failor’s tweet. Look, I know we all have differences of opinion here and I have myself stated I have been in an abusive relationship and thus form my own opinions based on my experience, and everyone reacts in their own way but, COME ON! That tweet is just not right!
http://www.realitytea.com/2012/01/09/rhobhs-kim-richards-leaves-rehab-reunion-secrets-revealed-andy-cohen-says-russell-armstrong-signed-up-for-second-season/
PS- Check out Vyle’s lips in the pic…for someone who is so vocal about no enhancements… those things are looking Pool Noodle-rific!
@kczar – I just had a similar conversation with my coworker about how many birthday celebrations Maurice has had. She was adamant that the White Party was not for his birthday but I was pretty sure that it was. Enough already dude.
I also call BS on the black eye! Am I remembering right that a pic came out after Russell rode the rope pony and it was a big controversy since (1) Failor told people Kennedy had accidentally done it and/or (2) she had just had a reaction to injections/surgery? I agree that it is WAY convenient that she shows up with a black eye out of nowhere after she has kicked Russ out. I call BS and am going to cringe when all the HW’s buy it and fawn all over her. Gag.
Fabulous recap, Flip
@Mrs Mia – “Yes, I think she should’ve shut up at dinner and let it go and enjoy the 92nd celebration of Mauricio’s web-footed crawl from the swamp…” BWAHAHAHAHAH!
Does anybody think maybe Twitch didn’t want to go on this trip in first place, but the producers whipped out the contract on her. So, she “missed the plane”, “missed the boat”, and refused to participate in the dramaz even when Kyle and Maurice–who had clearly been told to not let the issue go–kept harping on it.
Transcript of Ken at the pool: “Eye bloody. In corner. Kim look. Dunno. Shrimp is good. MMMmm. Ken sick of Kim’s friends bad talk. Bad time if Ken get mad. Common decency prevail, or Ken smash! Ken smash Mauricio good. Hur hur hur. Good shrimp. Kim take more pills. Ken take, too. Kim smile. Ken smile. Sun hot. Ken text “work” now. Hur hur hur.”
Gypsy, that page you linked to is too busy for me to locate the tweet, and I can’t tell for sure what side you are on as far a Taylor lying or not lying. It seems to me that most victims of abuse tend to believe Taylor, but she is just too self-serving for me to believe ANYTHING she has to say without verifiable proof.
Marlin fishing! HAHAHA! I think I laughed so hard at that that I forgot to actually type it down. I spent the couple hours before the show at the dog park and then entered a six hour housewives fix. A lot of bitches last night. Love waking up and laughing at these comments. Love to you guys.
Oh and I also went to that page you linked to, Gyps, but I couldn’t find what you were talking about either. Copy and paste it here, would ya? There is also a link there that is from one of Russ’ business partners, called something like “Russell’s Voice.” Goodness gracious.
The white party is partially for his birthday but not completely. He shares the party with one of the kids, I think, someone in the family and with the morally corrupt Faye Resnick. All three have birthdays very close together. However, last year they didn’t go to Hawaii afterwards so I think this was Bravo’s idea and they probably paid for it.
@Gypsy – What tweet? I didn’t see it on that page. I went to her twitter and only saw where she was blocking everyone who didn’t kiss her ass… including Dee dee.
Its odd isn’t it how Saint Camille now seems to be totally sane in comparison with the hideous Richards sisters, Dana, Taylor, and their respective spouses and significant others. Kyle is a bitch who still thinks she’s in high school (makes sense, considering she never graduated from high school) and whats more she’s looking fat. And her husband has lost all his sexiness since he started to act like another housewife. Besides, so what if twitch and caveman showed up 36 hours late to Hawaii? It’s not like any of them were paying for this sojourn. It was all paid for by Bravo in any case.
@ Cranky let me make it clearer, sorry for the confusion. Despite my background in having been in an abusive relationship, I think Failor is a lying hot mess who puts women who are in real abusive relationships in danger of being called a fraud. Below is the Tweet, post reunion, that was filmed last Thursday (and I think it’s disgusting!)
“Taylor tweeted – “Thanks for the great support! For the haters, when all the truth comes out I’ll try to post some delish “crow” recipes.” Really Taylor?”
Apologies to Cranky and everyone, it appears I’ve attached the wrong one of two RHOBH links, here’s the one where the tweet is referenced:
http://www.realitytea.com/2012/01/06/cedric-martinez-reveals-rhobh-secrets-says-adrienne-maloof-is-going-broke-plus-reunion-filmed/
Loved the recap! loved not having Traylor Trash prominently displayed in this episode.
I also couldn’t find the tweet gyspy was referring to…(when dangling at the end of a sentence I just gotta say) BITCH!
Another site has gone in depth about whether or not the black eye is real or not. They seem to have a consensus that it was a reaction to an eye surgery. My take is this, I wasn’t there, Russell is dead, we will never know the truth. However, she makes my skin crawl so I do have some reservations.
Kyle, girl, get some lightening product for those hands!! Wonder these women have crappy hands from years of driving in convertibles? Yikes! Get some sunscreen STAT!
Thanks Gypsy for reposting! She’s disgusting
*Flipit we must’ve posted at the same time, didn’t mean to diss ya! Link is above obvi!
Thanks for the recap! Glad you were able to git’r done after that many bitches! Wooo!
My pleasure whoocile…again apologies. My cut and pasting isn’t what is used to be.
Enjoy and snark on!
Maybe if Kyle borrowed a little of Kim’s supply she wouldn’t be such a bitch. Or she would nod off which would also take care of the problem. It was funny to watch her working to find something to criticize Brandi about just because she was jealous of Brandi’s bikini body. Mr. Toad gives me the icks and I flinch when he kisses Kim. Betcha his breath is not exactly minty fresh……at all.
Mauricio needs to TALK LESS! Who toasts to ‘the truth’? How passively aggressively asshole-ish! Starting to figure out why he’s with Vyle. Seems like he’s a nasty piece of work too. We all know Kim is a bat-shit crazy druggie, but why continue to bait her in front of everybody? UGH! Back to watch the rest of the ep
I believe this was Maricio’s 40th birthday, thus the many celebrations. I know annoying bitches who celebrate their birthday all month. All of you are just “haters”.
Why does Kim not cover her mouth when she coughs & say excuse me afterwards? Especially when it comes in the middle of a conversation? I’m just saying! One of my pet peeves & I stress it to my kids almost daily!
Can you tell I’m commenting as I’m watching the epi for the 1st time?
And for the love of Scarlett O’Hara, stop telling Kyle not to cry! SHE’S NOT! She’s whining & pretending to cry as she plays the martyr! And who says ‘I could say you’re a child molester’ as a comeback?!? WTH? And even though Ken looked kinda scared when he said ‘we don’t care’ I freaking loved that! Back off Ursula!
@ Labowner I wonder if Fail made Maurice some Red Devil Crow Cake
I used to love Mauricio, but now he just has that clueless jock look half the time (“Whaaaaaa?”) and apparently feels that he should walk around without a shirt on. for. the. entire. show. But we created this monster, so we shouldn’t complain. Unfortunately, now whenever I see him I hear that old Julie Brown song “I like ‘em big and stupid. I like ‘em big and – real dumb”. So sad.
>>>Who toasts to ‘the truth’? How passively aggressively asshole-ish! Starting to figure out why he’s with Vyle. Seems like he’s a nasty piece of work too. We all know Kim is a bat-shit crazy druggie, but why continue to bait her in front of everybody?<<<
The reason why starts with a "p" and rhymes with "roducers".
As far as Kyle not having driven Kim anywhere in years, is it my faulty memory, or did Kyle drive Kim and some of the kids in her car to look at houses for Kim in the first few episodes of the first season? LIAR! CHILD MOLESTER! COCK!
I’m gonna say, as irritating (though entertaining) as Twitch can be…Kyle crying everytime Kim does something that is not Kyle-Approved is getting OLD. I sometimes have that relationship with my older sister. There have been MANY times I’ve cancelled plans or compromised on something just so I don’t gotta HEAR IT. OVER. AND OVER. Yeah I’m sure it was embarrassing but being a crybaby while you’re having dinner in Hawaii is more so.
The Mauricio thing seemed so staged. When’s he been confrontational with anybody? Now all of a sudden he’s a female Kyle.
And DANG if I ain’t got a crush on Paul now.
I don’t think that Twitch was late for the plane because of a subconscience desire to avoid drama. I think Twitch was late because Mr Toad couldn’t keep the balloon of Oxy from falling out of his ass.
Know that.
Maybe Maricio was trying to be a good husband and stayed out of the sister drama, but since it has ratcheted up (accusations of theft etc) he has put his foot down. This constant drama with Kim has to put a strain on their marriage. I have seen plenty of men take a back seat with family drama because getting involved does not help. All they can do is support their loved one until it becomes too much and then they step in. Just my farked up opinion.
Gypsy with strawberry filing like Caroline’s animal cake. Fish lips has something in common with Anna Benson. Not good company Fishy.
That could be it.
Or the producers were more than halfway through filming this obscenely expensive, Bravo-fronted vacation, and realized, “Oh man. The ONLY interesting thing these schmohawks have done is almost de-pants Brandi. You! Nameless production assistant! You get that coke whore Kim and her fug slam puppy down here TONIGHT. Tell her we got an Escalade FULL of good stuff. She can nose dive into it, just as long as she gets here. And then tell Kyle and the Latin Lothario over there that they better be all over Kim like FUCKIN’ SPIDERMAN about being late. I AM NOT eating the cost of this vacation with no dramaz to bring back to that fuckwaffle Cohen! Why are you still standing there?? Go!!”
LMBO @notwithoutmytv..while I do believe the rhymes with ‘roducers’ have a lot to do with it, I also think his issues with Kim had an even bigger hand in it. For some reason, that argument between him & Kracky seemed common, as if it happens often.
So many great comments! Agree that Maricio is passive aggressive, and that Kyle cries to much. Can’t help wonder how much of Kyle and her mother’s behavior has contributed to Kim being a wackjob now.
Glad the Lisa I love is back, and I do like Brandi. She doesn’t have a stick up her ass, but prefers something a little naughtier up there…
COCK! I also have a potty mouth that gets me in trouble all the time, so I can relate to that a little!
Also thought Ken V looked really bizarre fixing his “hair” What was that thing he was doing with his teeth?????
Still hate Taylor and I wonder with her violent tendencies if she has not been a totally psyco during arguments with Russell where he in fact had to fend HER off and then she got hurt in THAT process. I have seen that happen with some crazy women, often both people are just as guilty in a drunken argument. I know that sounds bad, but I have seen it many times as a bartendar, just saying
The Atlanta Margo
Oh man what an episode, but that picture of Mauri leaning over was shocking. You went from hey there you hunk, a hunk, a hunk, to Whoa! Buenos Dias Senor Hasselhoff!
Also am I the only one who thinks Toad looks like Tom Sizemore? I’ve started thinking of him as the non-pretty Sizemore
“Let’s steal their hotel room” Flipit, you are a big jumbo serving of wonderful. Thanks!
I was specially thankful for this recap because before I’d been wondering if I took too many of the WRONG pills because the whole script sounded like Mad Libs to me.
But no. Unless @Flipit and everybody else was also accidentally taking a mess of wrong pills that’s what they said. Unless maybe the satellite got sunspots on it or something.
Poor Twitch. After watching this I don’t know who’s creepier. Mr Toad or Vylicio.
@TWhit- I have been trying to fight my Paul crush since he kicked Fail and Russell out of the White People Party, but after last night, I’m giving in…. I heart Paul!
Let me clairify, I started getting the “oots” for Paul when he went all manly hunk @the White Party. He was the only man to get involved and let those trashy Armstrongs have it! No excuses, No apologies! It was def hot!
I was very creeped out by Red Eye Ken kissing Paul after his ambush. I would like to see Brandi and Lisa be besties next season. Kim, Taylor, Dana/Pam….. Go Away!!!
@Lib – Yeah it was so awkward. I commented to my husband that he went from creepy murderer to 5 year old in about 30 seconds. So bizarre.
@ohralphie – Hahahahahahah! Mr. Toad prolly should have let Kyle hold the Oxy balloons – the stick that is up her ass already would have helped hold them in!
I admit a Paul-crush, too. At first (last season and when he was on Dr 90210) it was hard for me to overlook the horrendous nose job (I mean, I know he didn’t operate on himself, but surely he could get it fixed), but he has won me over with the macho-man/sweetheart combo he’s got going on. I also love that he is so over it and is telling it like it is. Adrienne doesn’t deserve him.
I can kind of understand Kyle crying all the time. She’s embarrassed, even though Kim’s a grown twitch, I’m sure Kyle’s had it with making excuses (and listening to the bs). When Twitch is late, it’s not only the cast that she’s holding up, but all the cameramen, producers etc that are trying to film. It must be exhusting to have a twitchy sister. JMO
Just have to add – MARLIN FISHER!!!
If my sister was snogging such a loathsome cretin as Toad I would be crying all the time too.
I was gagging and screaming everytime I watched it.
@sheesh, word! I had to turn away myself everytime Toad was on screen. I wonder which COCKtail of drugs one would need to find him tolerable?
I also wonder how Twitch and Toad need a relaxing afternoon? Neither of them work for God’s sake! And we all know that an afternoon boat ride is not relaxing at all (sarcasm). Although for Twitch it may not be relaxing at all since she is a MARLIN FISHER!!!
I’m anti-Paul, if only because he’s part of the industry that aids and abets women in their quest to look like Failor and Adrienne.
Kyle doesn’t have to play Twitch’s mother. So if she can’t keep personalizing all Twitch’s drug-based misbehavior, all her hysterical tears are her own fault. And her oh-so telegenic sorrow nets her more camera time, so any sympathy people give her is wasted, anyway.
Is all this boob-poking and Brandi-oggling, like, normal amongst women? Is this what you all rent a yacht and go out and do? Or is this, as I suspect, another form of barsexualism?
@ WafflBoy, you’re not alone! Before the big reveal of Mr. Toad I thought he might actually BE Sizemore which, let’s admit would be a helluva lot more awesome than this poor man’s Sizemore but still, I’m with you!
And Paul, bless his hairline, I too am falling hard for his manliness! He may not be the hottest but he loves his woman, tells it like it is, and seems to have a good sense of humor and, a well-paying job. Those are all check marks on my list. Paul if you’re listening, I’m here if you ever want out of that loveless marriage. (No offense Ad, but let’s face it, you’re as dry as a bone)
Also to whoever said they’d love to see Lisa and Brandi form a friendship, I agree. Picture a Camille, Lisa, Brandi trio. Vyle’s head would spin right off her shoulders. Ha! I would flove that. Yes I am one evil COCK!
@WaffleBoe Ha ha you’re right! Toad does look like Tom Sizemore. I also think Maurice looks like John Turturro.
Flipit, amazing recap!
Some points:
1. How come no one is calling Kim out on calling Mauricio Maurice for the past episodes?
2. I loved in elevator scene when Kim and Ken are late, that she’s already drinking a Corona in the AM
3. Sad news, but I read somewhere that Kim won’t be at the reunion since she was at rehab during the taping! So many questions unanswered!
Gypsy you owe me a new keyboard. I too have a huge crush on Paul, problem is he is way too nice to consider divorce. He seems like the type to try and work it out. I would love to see him interacting with the kids although they seem to be protecting them from the spot light.
@notwithoutmytv, I agree with you about Paul. He does seem likable but the person who created Traylor’s face can’t really have any integrity. As for poking boobs and ogling asses — yeah, I guess we do that, if we’re in a good mood. It’s a way of lampshading the feminine competitive instinct and rendering it harmless. That’s what we do on rowboats and speedboats anyway. Yachts? — I think I saw one once.
I know I’m late to the comment party (ala Kim) and I’m NEVER late! But my dog had final exams and my Mom was here and I had to help her cure cancer, then her boyfriend forgot to set an alarm in this state so we all woke up two days later…but it’s cool, I’m sagiteverything happens for a reason, Maurice!
Flipit, love the recap as usual, and you hit on Toad freaking out about Paul and Ad talkking to Kim but I forgot what his actual qoute was? Was it, “I disaprove of this?” Whatever he said was perfect because he so wrong and there was really no way out for him. Good episode.
I just want to also say that I don’t mind Kyle. But that’s just me.
did anyome else notice kim walking along with adrienne and paul sipping her wine with a STRAW?? was it in fact, wine? do most people drink wine with a straw? i dont, but i admit, i live in utah, not bev hills and i am not an ICON.
also-why did Kyle keep saying “Kim is disprespecting Mauricio’s birthday!!” What does that even mean? I understand what she is saying but damn, that seems phrased strangely.
Kyle is a co-dependent drama whore. She loves every minute of that shit, you cant convince me otherwise. Everyone else can be having a great time and she has to drag it back to HER every single time. Every time she starts, i hear that scratching record noise used in movies to signal that the fun is stopping now.
As much as BadKen was annoying me, i have to wholeheartedly agree with his assessment of “the voice.”
It is exactly like “one of those horns that go in the air”
My favorite scenes are for sure Kim and Ken. It really is fascinating to watch them.
@snootchy Bootches, i agree, clearly so clearly these people are on something. The way Kim was talking and eating with her eyes closed and her head hanging back because it was the only way to keep it upright. Definitely opiates, i agree. I am a recovering addict whose drug of choice was opiates and i know ducking (the opiate nod)when i see ducking. Once i watched my exgf actually duck out into the bowl of cereal she was eating. It’s one of the most embarrassing memories i have, because i know that i came close to that tons of times. And i was embarrassed for her that i pretended it didn’t happen. I left the room and noisily re entered several times so she would have a chance to pull her face out of the bowl and also pretend that it didn’t happen. And i see Kyle and the other housewives doing this a lot. This is one of the reasons i love Brandi so much, she absolutely refuses to play along. She says it at mostly appropriate times, in direct, appropriate ways.
And i am also noticing Mauricio appear more and more like Kyle. I can just see them lying in bed being gossipy little b’s patting themselves on the back for being better than every one they know. ugh.
To those who never bought into Traylor Trash’s pathological lies and deranged fantasies of Domestic Violence victim-hood, you will greatly enjoy the detailed timeline of last few years of Traylor and Russell’s lives together, with a particular focus on the time frame of the shooting of this season of RHOBH. The breakdown provides evidence, and confirms facts while belying this POS’s BS accounts of non-existent never-happeneds. It highlights her attempts at destroying her partner, his posthumous dignity, and hurting his kids without any regard for their pain and suffering. It proves her to be what we already knew or suspected – a pathological liar, scammer and con artist, with her split-second personality swings, default MO of aggression and violence. It shows her as a possible physical abuser herself, who would not shrink from anything as long as it extended her 10 seconds of trash TV ‘fame’, while shirking any responsibility for her part in the scams, in the grifts, in destroying other people and their lives and families for her own financial and emotional gain. It gives hope that in the end it will all prove to have been for nothing, as her dead, black eyes shine the TRUE EVIL out into the world, while her rotten, vile soul cackles in mirth and joy over her social, financial and emotional ‘achievements’ as she’s unconsciously falling towards the bottomless pit of human sorrows, sins and damnation .
Here is the link! http://stoopidhousewives.com/2012/01/10/real-housewives-of-beverly-hills-shana-taylor-armstrong-unleash-the-timeline-part-ii/
Emilyhartly, Toad said something like, “I’m not a big fan of that” when he walked up to the others. I’m not sure at that point if they had even mentioned they were talking about him.
At the Crystal lunch scene, did you notice that not only was Toad chewing, breathing and talking at the same time, but they were BOTH chewing a mouthful of food when he leaned over and gave her a big, open-mouth kiss!
Omg, great link Polk8dot! She is so full of shit! One thing I noticed is that the eye injury was supposedly so bad that she had to have a titanium implant put in to hold her eye in the socket (according to what she said to Dr. Phil) and yet the day after she was laying out at the pool at the Four Season (according to her tweet) and 4 days after this traumatic injury she was at this party where this picture was taken. Notice there is no swelling or bruising present. If the injury was that bad, you would see it!
http://karinapiresphotography.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/cardio-barre-097.jpg
Great link polk8dot, so interesting to see how this all played out in real time. It would be even more interesting to get the other housewives take on all this. Although Lisa is openly skeptical of Taylor in her Bravo blog, and mentions knowing who her friends are *now* after watching this season unfold. I have a feeling Vyle is out and Brandi is in.
Labowner send me the bill, I gotcha back
I’d love to see Paul with the kids but, you’re right he’s def a man who doesn’t believe in divorce. Ad has no idea what she has. Or, she plays it up for TV. Shame.
I flove all these comments! Mad respect to @Buffy for coming clean, no pun intended. My ex fiancé is still addicted to opiates and is also a brittle diabetic. He nodded off into bowls of ice cream that I had to clean up more times than I care to admit. I’ve also been to more AA/NA/Al-Anon meetings (that I dragged him to and sat next to him the whole time to make sure he stayed for the entire meeting) in the Palisades and Malibu than I care to talk about either. It’s nothing to brag about it just is what it is. It’s refreshing to see someone on here see what I see: drunken druggies. That’s not Meth that’s Oxy (most likely) and ,if she keeps spiraling downward it will be heroin before we can all bat an eye.
Gotta check out that Failor link but I’m sure it will just reinforce what I already think of her.
Question to the thread: DOES ANYONE ELSE NOTICE THAT KIM HAS BEEN WEARING THOSE FRIGGAN WHITE PANTS FOR THE ENTIRE SEASON? WTF???
I totally see Ken as the ugly Tom Sizemore, but to me he always looked more like a fat Mr. Bean. I also agree with you MK that Maurice looks like John Turturro.