Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Taylor Armstrong was kicked out of the White People Party because her husband threatened to sue Camille, …
You’re still free to exclude minorities from your limo!
Kim Twitchards was all drunk and twitchy in Hawaii with her nagging sister, …
Everything happens for a reason! For example, I was 36 hours late to this dinner because I was wasted. See?
…And Fail told everyone she left Russ so she would be able to come to group trips and stuff.
Filming with this horse is getting boring. Please. Someone return my calls.
We open at Kyle’s to see what K and Farrah are gonna wear to the Sur opening. Is it age inappropriate, tight and glittery? Perfect!
So now twenty year olds are trying to look like fifty year olds trying to look like twenty year olds. This town is confusing.
The dog is being kept from licking his ass, but no one seems to mind that Portia is possibly making a bomb.
Might wanna consider that whole “no kids menu” thing, Vanderpump.
Portia runs out of the room because she doesn’t wanna get eyedrops. Or because she doesn’t wanna be stuck listening to Kyle gossip about Twitch being a disaster and Failor being a failer. Smart kid. Farrah pretends to be interested, because she knows the power of allowance.
Fascinating. Pass the spackle, please.
Kyle doesn’t know if Fail is lying or not, but she’s decided that even if a fraction of it is true, Fail should get the hell out of there. As for Twitch, she’ll take care of that situation as soon as she figures out what the hell else she can do for a storyline. And now, let’s take a break from women torturing each other to watch women torturing themselves. Women, life can be waaaaay less painful. Crocks. Look em up.
Wanna watch Lisa boss people around in a mad rush to get the restaurant ready for the party? Me neither. Wanna watch Ken dry hump Lisa? ME TOO!
Lisa says he’s only allowed to do that at home. LOL! Viagra is the scariest invention since boners.
Let’s check in with Twitch! She’s trying to tell us that she and Mister Toad got a hotel near Sur to minimize their DUI arrest risk, but she can’t get through the sentence without staring into space and spouting out lines from her guest stint on CHIPs.
Antonio Banderas was hotter when he was playing traffic cops. I don’t like him as a cat with a sword.
She’s getting her hair done by some extra from the White People Party who hasn’t changed his clothes yet. Bargain beauty much? She’s digging in her gold purse, telling a story about how she found something funny in there. “Like light up lipstick or somethin’.” Huh? She whips out a vibrator and starts massaging her neck. LOL. She has noooo idea what it is or how it got there, of course. Her mischievous friend Crystal probably snuck it in there. Hair Guy pulls the anal beads out of his pants and tells her they mysteriously appeared, too. Probably gobsmackers or some shit. They laugh and laugh and I fear for humanity. Also, for the sprain in Twitch’s cooch if she can’t figure out how to massage it properly.
It made ma lipz pretty! Chipped a tooth though.
Dramatic music plays as Twitch orders Toad around to charge her phone and bring her 7-Up. WITH ICE YOU MORON! He mouth breaths in frustration and does that snore/talk thing he does so well, then just ignores her and locks himself in the bathroom. Twitch tells us how challenging their relationship is. She bitches to Hair Guy about how Toad always gets her orders wrong and stuff. That’s why you should stick with the lip gloss in your purse. It won’t bring you Starbux, but it won’t mouth breathe all over you either or poop while your hairdresser’s in the room. She wants to bitch about Kyle. Hair Guy doesn’t care, and neither do the rest of us. Family sucks. We all have one. Get over it.
Hey! Why’z you pudding on ma mageup withma vibrator?
Sur means something! Sexy Unique Restaurant. Somehow I doubt that acronym’s future as the next LOL. Brandi is the first to arrive, and she’s got a couple of youngun’s in tow. She needs to start hanging out with older people. They can teach her bigger words, plus she won’t always look like the babysitter. Ad and Paul show up in their giant-probably-overcompensating-for-something limo (sorry about your penises), and they’ve brought Lisa hating Chef Burt. HAHAHAHAH!! He goes up to awkwardly kiss Lisa, and she has no idea who he is. I love her so goddamn much. He deserves it. He’ll probably get his revenge by writing a super hateful misspelled rant on Yelp, but in the meantime SUCK IT BERT.
After pretend slutting it up with Ken, Brandi notices that one of the waitresses is a real life slut that banged her ex while she was pregnant. While Brandi was pregnant, not the waitress. Eddie hates fat people.
She’s never seen this ho in person, only on TV wahing about being dumped by her boyfriend for LeAnne. Damn, Cibrian! He’s probably got his own parking space at the STD clinic. I don’t work out so I can’t be such a slut. I’m alone, cold, mean, and sexless, but I’m disease free! Knock on (my never played with) wood(y).
He’s not the only one passing balls around.
Find a new obsession, skank.
As she passes, B squeals “Hi! You fucked my husband!” She’s no neighborly. Slutress goes right up to Lisa and comes clean. Bad phrasing, cuz you know that shit isn’t true. She updates Lisa on the sitch.
I take it that didn’t work out for you, dahling, seeing as how you’ah a waitress and all.
You guys, why is Taylor in a Turbo Tax commercial with Kyle? Isn’t she under investigation for tax stuff? I guess they just needed someone who looked Asian for an ad involving math so us dumb Americans would get it.
Ah sooo! Dongalongadingtaxytaxdong
Lisa feels uncomfortable. I suggest a dress in your size. She’s also feeling bad about Brandi, and comes to her and apologizes for the dramz before sending Slutress to back to whatever bodily fluid infested hot tub she crawled out of. She doesn’t fire her, of course. Waitresses in WeHo are supposed to look like they’re gonna fuck your husband at any moment. That way, wives can watch the ogling and eat comfortably knowing their men aren’t gay.
Frasier’s giant limo pulls up. Is this the same limo just making circles around the block? Cam is here with a gaggle of new friendployees. DD, unfortunately, is chained up in the back yard tonight. The same limo pulls back around and Kyle jumps out and hurries in to dish about Failor and Twitch with Lisa. She’s just a mess over all the dramazzzzzz. Please start some shit. Or just hand the episode to Bert.
YAY! Twitch time. This scene is all about how Toad is bossy and controlling and tries to dress Twitch and micro manage every aspect of her life. Uh-oh. That sounds pretty text book. He should hang with Russ. They’d probably love each other. That said, if I dated Twitch I’d probably carry around a fly swatter with me to smack her wrist every time she started wandering into traffic or fighting with infants or hiding from tourists taking random pictures of stuff with their cell phones.
Twitch is on the bathroom floor throwing stuff all over the place. She seems to be looking for something while Toad snore/breathes “chchchome on, bhabe. Ih’ll thakechare uveverythchcing.” Unfortunately, the soundtrack to The Music Man is blaring in her head and she can’t hear him.
Juzd loogin’ fer ma lip gloss it feelzgooods. Hey how come there are 76 trombones? So loud. No wonder no one liged thad band. I’m changin’ it to 2 trombones. Thad’s enoughfer any band. I was in thad moooovie. I played a trumbetblayer. Cutting room floor. Goddamn trombones. Lipglozz where iiiiiisyoooooou?!?
The camera waits outside the room while Toad promises to help Twitch walk to the car. This would be sad if…well, if it wasn’t. I’m crying, if that’s any consolation. He’s about to get Twitch to leave the room…and she locks herself in the bathroom.
“Hey! Marion rhymez with libarian! THAD’S WIDDY!”
Kyle is telling Cloris Leachman about trying on a bikini and seeing Cloris’ granddaughter in a bikini ad. Embarrassing!
RuPaul is here, too! He’s telling Paul “You’re born naked, and the rest is drag.” Paul knows that line. He used it in his wedding vows to justify his illegal marriage to his guests. Meanwhile, Kyle is telling Ad about how someone thought her lips were injected, and speak of the devil! No, not Failor. The other one. LEEEEECH!!
I just had to come out tonight, dahling! It’s the anniversary of my French whore motha leaving me all alone to work for that mean ole Fagin. I dreamed a dream of time gone byyyyyyyy!
Brandi looks horrified. She’s supposedly friends with Leech, but Lisa just stuck up for her and this show is now her only income. The guests immediately surround him and Lisa walks right up to him and asks what the f he’s doing heah. Ad smirks and rolls her eyes. I can’t wait til season three to see how Lisa treats Ad after watching her diss her all year and shoot dirty looks her way with her little scary boar eyes. Cedric, acting like he’s never threatened to blackmail anyone, is like “sweetie! Dahling! Mummy loves you sweetie dahling!”. She waves him off and tells him she just wants his giant plastic face out of her restaurant. BTW, who invited your ass?
Brandi squeals “It wasn’t me! I SWEAR!” HAHAH! Who invites mosquitoes onto porches? No one. They just see something shiny and fly in. Then they get electrocuted. Sur needs to up their security. He’s whining about how much he loves Lis and says he just came to tell her the past was in the past. LOL. Um, no it’s not. You’re still kicked out. I love that he only shows up with a non apology when there are cameras there. GTFO LOSER! I went to check his twitter page to see what he had to say for himself, but he abandoned it a couple of weeks ago and started a new one. Ah, dumdum, you can forget the past all you want, but twitter never will. Still waiting for that big tell all. Lisa has none of it and kicks his ass out.
As he leaves, he makes Kyle kiss him. “You’ah not afraid of Lisa, ah ya?” She’s afraid of getting your grease all over her freshly sanded face. Brandi squeals to Lisa about being not guilty and Lisa says to stop apologizing and stop trying to make things ok between her and that fool. She’s done, case closed. Ken leads Leech out and leaves him with a gift.
Did a sewah line break in theah? I’m choking.
Heh heh heh
Failor, dressed in Alexis Couture, welcomes the Orthodontist into her home. Is his ass a babysitter too? She shows him a “reward chart” she made for Kennedy so the little girl can stop focusing on her mom kicking dad out and more on chewing with her mouth closed and leaving mommy alone while she’s on the phone. She’s got stars next to a bunch of the tasks, but the missing stars are glaring and sad. Among them, “Stop calling mom the c word, stop locking self in closet to cry, stop trying to poison mommy’s wine with cleaning products.” Poor Kennedy.
Fail cries and wahs as the Orthopedist tells her what a great job she’s doing. Her jewelry is jangling loudly through her fake sobs, which cracks me up. I only care about Kennedy’s welfare LET’S PARTAAAAY! Ortho is Fail’s date tonight, because he understands the cycle of violence. And the importance of comfortable shoes. I would call this a conflict of interest, but the last thing this dude is is interested.
Fail fake cries about how haaaaard this night is gonna be. Did someone email Cam’s season one script to her or what? Buck up, say you’re sorry to everyone, and go back to having public breakdowns. Be a good Wile E Coyote and fall off a cliff, ho! This ain’t Oprah!
Now let’s go out there and get ourselves a third season!
Back at the party, Ad is telling Lisa that she’s created another awkward situation by inviting Paul’s ex girlfriend. Lisa looks over at the younger woman, but all she can muster is a bored “She’s so much….prettier poorer than you, dahling.”
That same ole limo picks up Twitch and Toad, and after pushing the moon roof buttons and claiming to be the first man on the moon, Twitch rummages around and finds some trash. “Whad’s this?” Trash, Twitch. It’s trash. She snorts it, but there’s no coke residue. “Nodmy drash!”
Why’z Grystal hidin’ frum me?
There’s poop all over one of the napkins, and Toad tells her to stop rummaging through the trash. LOL. The man’s got a point. She throws out a couple random words “poop? Buttonz! Hay’s fur ponies nod fer ladiez” and then starts pretending she’s Tyra.
How gum when I pud ledders in trees no one deliverzem?
She starts taking off her dirty bra and wondering what people will say when they show up late yet again. Probably “yay now we might have enough wine to last through the evening.” She tells us “I’m a Virgo…………”
“…..and my anxiety, it’s ….”
High five? Trapped in a box? The swim? WHAT IS ANXIETY?!?
She keeps doing the swimming motion. Bitch be cray. I don’t even know what to say any more. The limo drops them off and goes to pick up Fail. Oh lord. Just run her ass over and let’s call it a season. OrthoMatress is telling her that her friends are angry at her because they love her. Or because they’re, you know, ANGRY. Um, you’re doing a great job buddy. She says that she’s soooo upset that she dragged her friends into this mess! Then she picks up the poopy napkin Twitch threw in the trash and sticks it in her eye.
That’s gonna swell.
Doctor Orthogenesis makes bored “you’re right about everything always” comments while Fail says that being on tv these people is are very important to her, and she just hopes they don’t attack her. Oh, poor girl! I hope they don’t attack you. Like lunge over tables screeching that you put their families in danger, or try to turn everyone against you and tell you that everyone likes you to your face but talks shit about you behind your back, or accuse you of stealing their “makeup bag” and act insane until they have the whole room falling all over them.
As she stumbles into the restaurant, Twitch slurs “I done wanna see Gyle. Geeper away vrumeee!” to her lazy ass not busy ever agent. Lisa insists on greeting Twitch even though Kyle doesn’t want her to, and she kisses the mess and lets Kyle have her. She’s nice in that way only bitch sisters can be. “You look beautiful! So tiiiiny I told you his ass was abusive and you need drug counseling.)!”
Kyle gets all emotional and runs off to real cry. Lisa follows her and tells her that Twitch will always be a drunk thorn in her side and she’ll never be free of her. Hugs! So reassuring, Lis. Agent wants Twitch to make the rounds so she’s falling all over everyone evenly and not just the busboy. Toad snorebreathes that he wants Twitch close to him. She ignores him and tackles Ad to slur “I’m movin oud!” into her ear. Ad nods like “der didn’t see that one comin’”. Twitch is ecstatic, as she probably just decided to do this right now. Not because Toad is an abuser, but because he took the poopy napkin out of her hand and didn’t ice her 7Up. As if reading Ad’s mind, she slurs…
Thank you for telling me. I thought the boat was crashing.
Twitch promises she hasn’t been drinking, then invites Ad to the bathroom with her and tells her that Toad is mean, nasty, and controlling. He calls her a fucking liar all the time. How dare he! You should set the alarm on your phone or the wake up call won’t come out of the clock thing by the bed. Or whatever. Point is, you a lie.
Ad makes Kyle take a mop over to her sister before someone slips on that mess. Kyle approaches her like they’re about to get into a cagematch, and Twitch takes her outside. Twitch tells her that Toad is controlling, mean, and horrible. Kyle starts real crying and avoids saying “I told you so.” She cries that she hates seeing Twitch sad. Then Twitch sings and Kyle just waits for this bout of cray to pass.
It’s not my birthday, and I’m not the President. Can we get back to the abusive Toad part?
Twitch is lost, confused, and defeated. I really do like that nut and this is hard to watch. They sob and sob. Kyle says that she just wants Twitch to be…still. Twitch can’t. She tries to give a flower to Kyle and Kyle squishes it and says she doesn’t want a fucking flower. LOL. Twitch, really sad, slurs “ya mezzed upma flower.” HAHAHAHAH! Kyle sobs that she loves Twitch but she needs to take responsibility. Twitch argues “I do tage….” and then forgets what she’s gonna say. But then she remembers something! A secret! Dundunduuuuuuuun!
Everyone’s being abused! HAHAHHA! SEE YOU IN A MIN!
Toad walks up to Brandi and says that he heard she said something about him in Hawaii. Without skipping a beat, she says “Yeah. I said you were a gay bull mastiff.” LOLOLOLLL!!! No apology or anything. She laughs. Paul laughs. Toad is pissed. “What does that mean?” Paul says that B just called him a gay dog and he snaps “Yeah. I get that.” LOL! Paul and Brandi keep laughing their asses off. Best scene ever.
I look gay? That’s fucked up.
Back to Twitch’s big secret. She’s late! Duh, you’re always late. No! MA PERIUHD! Kyle laughs. Are we seriously supposed to believe this shit? You’re sadder than Ramona right now, and that’s just pathetic. She shouts “I’M UNNA HAVEABABAY!” The men show up and sit with them and Twitch vibrates her lip.
Thizlip glozz iz the daddy.
Twitch gives the gloss to Kyle, who gives it to Mauri via a kiss. Toad wants some gloss! Twitch won’t kiss him or look at him. She thinks she got another kid from another father, now she’s done. You’ve been used for the homeliest sperm ever. Congrats!
Fail arrives with Orthophosphate. Kyle greets them warmly and teases Orth for being his patient’s date. Lisa notices that Fail has a busted eye under her bangs. And now we know why they would only show half of Fail’s face this episode. Wow. Big reveal, Bravo! This show is so fucking sick.
Lisa asks if this is what it took for Fail to leave, and she says yes. Didn’t she leave before this? Reports say that he beat her after she dumped him. I don’t know why that bugs me. The fact that this is even a discussion sickens me. Was she beat or wasn’t she? Watch all season to find out! Oh she’s got a swollen eye! She was beat after all! Nanny boo boo tricked ya suckers! One of you posted last week that Fail tweeted that she’s got a good “crow recipe” for all the “haters.” Is this it? So twisty and turn-y. If we find out next week that this whole season has been taking place in purgatory and some fat guy is the savior of Beverly Hills, I’m not watching any more.
Orthoscopic asks the ladies to all gather round the table. Tonight shouldn’t be about Lisa’s partners’ hard work in getting a new restaurant open, it should be about putting Fail back on the eVite list. Fail fake sobs that she has been acting like a crazy person for the last six months because her life has been hell and she’s sorry for acting out. And also because she’s crazy. Clips of crazy ass Fail freaking out. They’re even funnier the second time.
Lisa stops her and says that she doesn’t need to apologize. Ad jumps in. Fail stops wahing instantly and bucks up for this one. Ad says it’s been hard to support Fail because she keeps going back to Russ. She says to us that she doesn’t even know what to believe from Fail any more. Ortho starts asking about feewings and Lisa cuts his stupid ass off and sticks up for Fail, saying that lots of people go back to abusers with primary access to the accounts.
Kyle gets things back on track and brings us back to Ad’s point about being confused about how hard it is to help someone that keeps going back to an abuser. “We’re confused.” Ad doesn’t let it drop. She points her hundred year old finger at Fail and says that Cam’s life is haaaaard too and she didn’t deserve to be threatened with a lawsuit. I think Fail forgot she was supposed to be sobbing.
I was up all night writing that monologue, but you go right ahead.
Friends don’t threaten friends! Fail says that she didn’t threaten anyone. Doctor Orhoptera chimes in. “We’re here to be hoooonest.” Really, then why has your job title changed? I wish I was as good at ignoring this wuss as Ad. She cuts him off again and shouts that they can’t be honest because Cam is threatened with a suit if she says anything. I go up and down with Ad, but I’m behind her tonight. Yikes. Scary back here. Going back to the face.
Mauri’s mom, thousands of dollars poorer and no younger, stands outside the bathroom. She tells Toad that Twitch has been in there forever and won’t come out. Toad knocks gently and asks if she’s ok, and she yells “everydime I’m in the bathroom everyone asgs if I’m ogaaaay!” HAHAHAH! What’s a little abuse drama without some comic relief? Bravo’s really getting it down.
Cut back to the table. Ad is still shouting about lawsuits. Jesus, no one’s taking your dad’s money ya freak. Calm down. Kyle says that Fail is sitting here with a black eye right now so….Ad shouts “NO! We have to protect ourselves!” Damn. Cut back to Twitch yelling that she wants to be left alone in the bathroom. Cut back to Doc Orthostatic telling Ad to give Fail respect so she can speak. He’s lucky he’s far from Ad, because he’d have a fork in his nuts right now. Ad’s piiiiiised. She finally lets Fail continue. She talks about getting beat up and says that it’s the last straw. She’ll coparent with him, but she has to leave. So it’s ok if this monster takes your daughter? WTF? Is this making sense to anyone? Doctor Orhotropous nods meaningfully, so I guess letting an abusive guy around your kid is totally healthy. My bad.
Speaking of doctors making a name for themselves on TV instead of helping people….
Leavemealoooone! I’m countin the tilez on the cielin an you’re beinrood!
Twitch curses and yells for Toad to leave her alone. He won’t. Mauri’s mom is pissed off, and Toad is translating Twitch’s “FUCK OFF KEEEN!” as “Kim requests a moment longer, if you please ma’am.” He’s a keeper. Cut back to Fail saying she was trapped in an abusive relationship and she’s sorry that she dragged them into it but she’s the bigger victim so shut it. She tries to sob again, but it doesn’t work. She apologizes to Cam for the letter and begs for forgiveness and says she can’t imagine not having cameras following her them as her friends and she’s sorry. A wipe of non tears. Silence.
Kyle, crying, says that Fail owes no apologies. Clucking. Ad and Cam are going nuts. LOL. Ad just keeps saying NONONONO over and over and Cam shakes her finger and says that Fail accused her of putting her and her kid in danger and she sure as shit does owe her an apology. Ad shouts that Fail needs to come clean. Fail does. She says that Cam just told the truth but Fail couldn’t handle the truth.
Cam smiles pertly and thanks her. No one will be taking any bites out of her Frasier pie, so it’s all good now. Ad pats her hand, makes her sign some papers, and forgives her. They all hold hands. Now can we please get back to the important part of the night?
The bathroom door opens and Twitch comes out looking like a dryer sheet left on high for too long. She’s safe! YAAAAAY!
397 tiles! I DID IT!!!!
To get the funniest quotes from TVgasm recaps as they’re posted, follow us on Twitter or like our Facebook page! You can post your favorite lines right back at us. Thanks for being here!
For Housewives related facebookery, like our Housewives page!
To follow my personal tweets, click here.