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Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Lose-y Liu, the gayest Gaysian muppet on the planet, dusted off his Liza wig and helped Lisa plan a wedding that would turn Liberace into a gay basher, …
…Adrienne was pissed that Lisa didn’t throw a free bridal shower at her tacky hotel instead of her friend’s tacky hotel, …
And while I’m at it, why did Taylor make us all wear the same outfits we wore to her abused woman poker fundraiser last year?
…and Taylor and Lisa decided to talk shit to each other’s face from now on, which sounds like a terrible plan.
T: You’re an old smelly hag and your bald dog disgusts me.
L: You’ve got a face like a burnt biscuit and are the reason England hates Americans. And your husband has terrible dentures. And your daughter is most likely autistic as far as I can tell. And you’re a fraud. And your weave looks cheap. And Ken’s silent but deadlies are more palatable than your sad excuse for a personality. And you….
ENOUGH!! ENOUGH!! Let’s just hug now.
We open with Lisa and Pandy meeting with Lose-y Liu, who’s brought the wedding invites by. They look like birth control sponges for women with giant vaginas.
Inside are flower petals, the invite, and gas masks for the two rows that will be sat behind Ken. They will cost fifteen grand. Cheap bastards! Whatever happened to sending white pony riding singing midgets to each guest’s home? Things were different in my day. The invites aren’t all! There are caterers in the kitchen making samples so Lisa can choose the food, and there’s also a bartender with throat cancer who’s infused his own vodka. I infuse my own vodka too!! In my stomach, though. Usually with candy and random 7-11 food covered in mustard. Delicious.
He pours the vodka over dry ice so it will freeze, and Lisa doesn’t like the result because Mohamed is invited and she doesn’t want the guests to start freaking out about a terrorist attack.
See something, say something.
Lisa worries that the spectacle might be too tacky. Your bartender just used the word “meltamorphasis”. It’s already passed the too tacky mark. Ken seems a little confused by the fog and the bartender’s odd penis head hat and the Asian lady squealing faboolouse over and over again, but the Gayance smiles like a princess in a tiara shop. This is going to be the second happiest sexless marriage of all time.
Adrienne is at her mall house planning a fashion show or something. Why is it that the only people with weight problems in this town are in the service industry? That has nothing to do with anything, and I’m sorry to point it out. But it’s two scenes in a row with fat service people. It’s like Bravo’s trying to warn us chunks to stay the hell out of town unless we want to be hot glue gunning sateen flowers to boxes or inventing words like meltamorphasis for minimum wage.
Ad’s working on a shoe line. Oh LAWD!! The fun thing about BH was that these bitches were rich enough to not bother us with their lame businesses. I guess the economy’s even hurting rubber people with gold walls. Damn you economy! I say when you have a dining room chair with a shellacked baby crawling up it, you’re not allowed to start any more businesses. There is such a thing as too much money in the wrong hands.
She’s put her favorite shoes on the table and wants to come up with a way to replicate them for poor people. Adrienne has obviously never heard of Payless. I’m sure if she bothered to look hard enough, she’d realize that half her staff are wearing Low Batons already.
Ad’s the richest woman in the room, so everyone laughs and smiles at everything she says while keeping Payless a secret. Gotta make a living. I don’t care how much they cost, some of those shoes are just hideous. She should forget about catering to poor people and go after drag queens. They’d buy. They’d also take whatever makeup, money, and hide the Adam’s apple advice she had to offer. Hey! It’s a poor service person who’s not fat! YAY YOU! Unfortunately, her tits are wonky. Poor disfigured descamisados of Beverly Hills.
I went to Harvard and all I got was a job xeroxing ugly shoes and a pair of wonky tits.
The Maloof logo will be gold and have a diamond in the middle. It will be on the sole of the shoe, I guess so people can feel all smug that they’ve got a diamond no one can see on shoes no one wants. Doesn’t Lisa have a shoe line too? So first you stole the tiny dog schtick, now shoes too? I thought Adrienne was better richer than this.
Taylor and Russell are at the therapist. Oh hell no!! I thought the oh so sensitive Bravo producers told us that they were cutting all these scenes? Oh who am I kidding? I’m thrilled. Aren’t red rooms supposed to make you crazy? It explains a lot.
Wait. He’s not a shrink. He’s a “Doctor of Osteopathy”, which, according to these here internets, is “a form of drug-free non-invasive manual medicine that focuses on total body health by treating and strengthening the musculoskeletal framework, which includes the joints, muscles and spine.” Oh gawd please don’t let this be a couples massage. No, wait again. They are going to this dude for marriage therapy after all. Can terrible marriages be fixed with a little spinal intervention? These people are wack. Stretching properly will not stop your husband from beating you.
Failor launches into some bs about how she and Russ love each other, and I can’t help but think of how much she looks like that CGI youthful version of Jessica Lange in American Horror Story. But with an industrial vacuum cleaner mouth.
Why is her face different every single time we see it? Fail tells the NotShrink that when Russ is nice, he’s super nice, but when he’s mean, he’s not nice. Russ says that nothing has happened that’s so bad that they can’t recover, and that’s why they’re trying to fix it. You can tell they’re really truly in love, cuz instead of holding hands they fist bump.
Russ says they’re having issues with neglect because he’s working a lot. “And your anger?” Well, we have trouble keeping the gardener on schedule. “And your anger?” We both like different colors. “AND YOUR ANGER?” Russ does, indeed, have anger issues. “And can you feel it coming on?” Russell blinks really hard a few times. I think it’s coming on now. You might just wanna adjust his back and let that fucker out of your office.
NotShrink goads Russ to talk about his anger, but Russ doesn’t want to, so NotShrink launches into a monologue about how Russ’ anger makes him mean and nasty. LOL! That’s not therapy, that’s taking Taylor’s words and using them against him before he even knows what the hell is going on here. Taylor nods knowingly, like Russ was super strong confessing through the NotShrink’s mouth. This is all on camera, obviously, so there is a lot of holding back and talking around stuff. NotShrink keeps trying to put the words “I am a wife beater” into Russ’ mouth, but Russ won’t go there. NotShrink says the trick is to realize why he’s so angry when he’s angry. Probably cuz Taylor’s pissing him off. Just my non NotShrink opinion.
The only telling thing that Russ says the whole session is “It’s amazing what a little respect and common courtesy will get you.” The notdoc jumps in with “and self control.” Russ agrees, obviously not knowing that’s aimed at him. Fail just wants the notdoc to give them a clean slate, and NotShrink says that’s immature. Russ is totally listening.
Time to go! Phoeniscottsdaltusconbequrque is calling!
NotShrink is visibly pissed that Russ is cutting out early, and all he can muster up is a weak “OK, but we gotta really do this stuff!” What stuff? All you did was half heartedly repeat a bunch of pop psy mumbo jumbo that Fail gave you. This is why when you need mental help you shouldn’t go to a back doctor. Russ just blinks hard and furious at NotShrink while NotShrink and Fail give each other “He really is an asshole” looks.
Back at Lisa’s, GOD DO WE HAVE TO? They’re in the middle of their tasting, and the chef has cotton candy for them. Pandy refuses to serve that unless Fail doesn’t come. LOL! Lisa informs her that Fail will be coming, cuz they made up. Then she makes this face:
Pandy doesn’t want any fighting. Then find a mom who’s not on my damn TV, ya brat! We’re not tuning in to see some gay dude commit to your head full of roots. FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! Lisa promises there will be no fights. Ugh. At least I can fast forward through that snoozefest. Pandy seems doubtful. Hey skank, your mom’s spending half a million dollars on this wedding. She can shit on the dance floor if she wants to. GET A JOB. As if knowing this is one of the most boring scenes of all time, Lisa does an impression of Fail eating cotton candy.
Too little too late flavor.
Failor has orchestrated a mani-pedi day with herself, Kyle and Brandi, but then doesn’t show up. HAHAHAH. Kyle decides to go anyway so she can get past the drama. Brandi isn’t getting a lot from her B List ex, and in order to keep her job on this show she’s gonna have a fundraiser or a party at some point. She decides now’s as good a time as any, so she runs her idea by Kyle. She wants to invite all the hags over to watch the sunset at her Malibu home, and she wants to invite a porn star to teach them how to give good bjs. HAHAHAH! Stupid ass slut. I love it. Kyle is horrified and says that she already knows how. Maybe bring someone over to teach Kyle what crystal is. She gently says that B should have some more class around the ladies, so B decides to just have a dinner party so everyone can get to know each other better. Getting to know you is what made them hate you in the first place, but it’s your party.
Wanna watch Ad run around and stress out her party planner? Me neither. FF. And just like that, it’s all set up! Fail and Russ are on their way to the Paymore show, and they’re trying really hard to have a conversation. Failor says she’s super happy that Russ is coming after all, and he replies that a meeting was cancelled and besides, he knew that she needs his support. HAHA. Stupid. Just say “I cancelled my meeting to be with you, baby.” Even I’m better at relationships than him, and the only Valentine I’ve received in the past decade was delivered by my right hand.
Fail tells us that through her therapy sessions with the orthodontist, she’s learned that her friends hate her husband because she’s told them all he beats her. Girl, a dentist could have told you that for half the price. She mentions to Russ that she’s worried about seeing Camille. Cut to Camille shouting accusations that Fail is probably lying about being abused. Fail obviously hasn’t told Russ what she said, because he tells her to rise above it instead of “Just tell her I hit you with a bag of oranges so I wouldn’t leave bruises. That’ll shut her up.”
He continues that she has a right to be angry, because Camille has talked untrue shit about both of them and Fail should just ignore her. No use getting yourself all tied up in knots over it.
Guests start arriving at the Paymore fashion show, and Ad brags about her friend who’s done Felicity Huffman and Katherine Heigl. That’s quite an image you’ve given us. Thankfully, he’s the show’s fashion designer and just made clothes for those women. Yet I still can’t get the image of Felicity Huffman moaning and groaning with her stiff face and her one closing eye. The guy’s name is Kevin, but according to the Mary M. Webster dictionary, it’s spelled Kevan. What, no accent mark over the A? What kind of gay are you?!?
Russ and Fail pick up Mauri and Kyle in a rented limo (EMBARRASSING), and the convo turns quickly (does Kyle turn it any other way?) to the Camille/Taylor smackdown. Mauri says he doesn’t even know what Camille said, which has to be a damn lie. He’s supportive of his wife, though, even when it comes to stirring a giant pot of poisonous poo. Russ says he doesn’t know what she said either, and Kyle says “Well…” Failor jumps in nervously and says she’s just gonna forget it for tonight. It would be horrible for Russ to find out his wife’s been telling the whole town he’s beating her at a fashion show. Better to wait for it to air on national TV. Fail’s a sensitive gal. Why is Kyle dressed like the interior of a room at HoJo’s?
Lisa and Ken arrive, and after double air kissing them both veeeeeery sloooooowly, Ad pulls Lisa aside to give her shit about the Vegas trip. Man, even a guest appearance by Cloris Leechman can’t lighten these bitches up.
Sorry I’m late. Tootie hid the keys to the Candy Store van again.
Ad says she’s mad and hurt that Lisa didn’t ask to have Pandy’s “Congrats on Marrying the Nellie” party at The Palms, and Lisa has the same reaction I did: It would have been really obnoxiously rude to ask. Ad won’t hear it, and Lisa tries to explain that her old friend offered to host the party for all the girls. In other words, that shit is free. Ad is still pissed and says that it doesn’t matter. Lisa could have asked her. But she would nevah! Ad says “You’ve never had a problem asking for other things” and Lisa, hurt, denies asking Ad for anything. Well, you asked for your wine to be served at the Palms! Lisa says “Our wine was never served there” and Ad says “But you asked.” LOLOLOLLLLL!!! Lisa looks honestly shocked to find that after all these years of friendship, it turns out Ad is just another asshole. Lisa just drops it and apologizes, saying she didn’t mean to ruffle feathers.
Ad slants her already Loose-y Liu eyes and says with a smirk “You know, I’m gonna be there that weekend.” Ooooooh. Are you gonna send your brothers out in an about to be repo-ed limo to break her knee caps? Fuck off, lady. Lisa tells us that she’s honestly sorry about the mistake, but Ad’s more than welcome to host her pain in the ass family for Christmas. HA.
They hug and move into the party, and then Lisa brings up the wine again and says that Ad shouldn’t bring that up when they never served it. LOL! Ad insists that she set it up and Lisa never followed through, but Lisa calls bs. Why would Lisa get your blessing to sell her wine and then not do it? She’s rich. Rich people don’t ignore money. Ad probably fakely told her she’d set up a meeting, didn’t, and Lisa didn’t hound her about it because she figured she didn’t want to be rude about it if Ad wasn’t comfortable with it. I’m with Pumpy, only because she hasn’t been a liar yet. Also, because Ad looks like Jafar, and he always scared me.
Ad tells us that she wishes Lisa just said sorry and kissed her ass. Well she’s not one of your fat for hire ass kissers and she doesn’t have to. I wish Lisa had a glass of champagne at that moment to let Giggy drink out of. Camille shows up and meets her date: her giant publicist. Sad my tennis pro’s wife won’t let me date him now that I’m single horns.
We’ll have fun! I brought paper towels and spray bleach so feel free to enjoy a couple of appetizers.
Cam comes out of the bathroom and Failor is standing there. Cam starts talking to someone else, and Fail backs away. HAHAH! You can’t run from Camille! Well, you can, but you can’t hide! OK, you can. But you can’t just move on! OK, you can. Fuck it. Just give her fifty mill and call it a night. Cam catches her and they have some awkward “Man Ad has terrible taste, doesn’t she?” small talk. Cam walks away, and Fail says “We’ll talk later.” Cam nods and keeps walking and Fail shouts after her “But not tonight!” Heheheh.
Now for a scene with Ad telling off her troop of homely poor people. Her scenes are painfully boring. Can we get Paul in here to tell everyone what mistakes God made on their faces? Dying here! Camille and Brandi chat about being divorced and stuff while Failor makes blowjob jokes with Lisa’s manly friend.
Wendy is saying that she’s just realized that she’s a bitter, angry, tired bitch. Then please, come on this show more often. You’re like a self aware version of Adrienne without the faux gold frozen baby chairs and the angry Asian eyes.
Point is, Wendy is a horrible person so she called the orthopedic guy for help and he gave her great therapy. That’s how Fail found him. Russ says that guy has almost fixed his marriage. Sad I’m dead now horns. I wonder if the orthomatress guy has been getting any business lately.
The lady who heads the charity Ad is giving money to tonight kisses her ass endlessly, and says that if she can achieve success, she is an inspiration to others. Ad gets faux choked up (or has smoker’s phlem, I can’t tell) and says that her father’s philosophy was “take care of your customers, take care of your employees, and look as Asiany as possible so no one tries to pull bad math on your books.”
Ad gives an inspireless speech and then the fashion show starts! You can find inspiration anywhere if you’re creative enough. Kevan has found his in dry cleaning bags.
Don’t let models play in those! They could suffocate themselves.
Lisa comments that the point is to see the shoes but most of the dresses are too long and hide them. Heheh. Some homely person is gonna get their ass chewed out tonight. Ad says that she didn’t want her shoes to be the focus in a fundraiser. Then why did you throw a fundraiser just to show the shoes? Woman puhleeze. She shows Cam the pair she’s wearing, and if dwarf strippers made more money there would be a market for those things.
Bad shoes and plastic bags out of the way, Kyle gossips with Failor and Lisa about Ad. She relays the story, repeating that she would feel obnoxious asking for a giant free party. It doesn’t make sense that Ad would be pissed about losing the chance to host twenty something girls for free, unless she wanted publicity on the show. DINGDINGDING! Ad said as much. She says that Ad is always mad at her these days and it’s like walking on a rubber minefield, where you take the wrong step and boom your face melts off. Then she tells us that the Vander Pump will kick the Maloof Hoof’s ass. Smackdown! Who came up with this shoe thing first, dammit? I say Lisa, because Ad copied the tiny dog thing. I’m a real detective you guys.
This was a painfully boring show, but it looks like they’re ready to make up for it next week with another Fail breakdown. YAAAAY!!!
Just posted this and went to post a link on facebook to find a message from Dayna that asked me to use the following screenshot. HILARIOUS. I can’t believe I missed it the first time! Thanks Dayna!
Let me guess. You’re in the service industry.
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