Previously on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Ad got mad at Lisa for promoting the wrong white trash Vegas hotel,…
Are there Paris Hilton vag stains at Planet Hollywood? ARE THERE?
I’d imagine so, dahling, yes. Why is your weave so matted?
Stop standing on your tippy toes, dammit! I’m trying to fight!
I’m trying to escape the glare of whatever the hell is above your eyebrows, dahling. I think you’ah melting.
I’m sick of fighting. Do you like my dimple? Just got it drilled in.
Also previously, Taylor Armstrong had another embarrassing breakdown after being confronted by a thin haired girl in hand me downs…
Have you looked at the giant ocean, Failor? Look again! It’s really big! Bigger than us!
… and Camille laughed on the inside at the general poorness of it all.
How dare you diss the woman who fucked a hairy backed cross dressing alchie so she could pay me minimum wage to be her friend? YOU HEATHEN!
We open with Fail fake laughing her way into her seat at lunch with Lisa. They’re being waited on by Jennifer Aniston. It’s been a rough couple of years for that one.
Lisa’s already ordered for them, since she knows all Fail wants to eat is the air of significance Lisa gives off by gracing her with her presence. Fail, giant fake televangelist smile plastered to her face, says she’s stressed about the party breakdown, but unfortunately she drank so much she can’t remember it. Then why are you stressed, ya liar? If you were too drunk you would have woken up with mustard on your face and a busboy hogging your bathroom. Not buying. Lisa crinkles her face and rethinks this whole “be nice to the possibly abused annoying person” road she’s on.
“I can’t help it, Lees!” LOL! So two weeks ago she was the scary woman trying to ruin your life, and now she’s a long term rental? Oh Lord. When Fail gets stressed, the first thing she reaches for is booze. Maybe try reaching for the yellow pages instead and look up a mental health professional instead of a semi-famous TV orthodontist. That’s my suggestion, not Lease’s. She’s still kinda horrified that she agreed to be alone with this rubberized Al Hirschfeld caricature.
Fail just felt so blindsided by Camille! Huh? Bitch please! You knew she was gonna be there and she didn’t even say anything to you except “I’m sorry.” To show that she really is trying to be friends with Lisa, Fail’s secretly ordered a pizza. She even eats some as disgustingly as possible and swallows it.
Lisa says every time she sees Fail, she’s crying or freaking out and “you need to put the breaks on, heah.” Fail ignores her and blahs on about how she doesn’t drink much (and my stretch marks don’t form a perfect STOP sign), so it only takes two glasses of wine for her to be wasted. You had more than that in the rented (embarrassing!) limo on the way to the party, but just blame Camille anyway. It works for me! Late for work? Camille’s fault. Raining? God’s mad at Camille. Iranian hostage crisis? Camille did it. I don’t know how, but I know she did. Camille’s an asshole.
Failor complains about DD a little bit, but she’s poor so she only gets a sentence or two. Then they move onto how Kyle did the desperate splits and stained the rug in the rented house before announcing that Fail will be taking Kyle’s place at Pandy’s Vegas bachelorette party. Lisa isn’t too psyched about this, and she tells us she’s only being nice to Fail because she’s desperate and sales go down when Lisa gets the bitch edit. She tells Taylor that she is double skerd knowing Fail will be along for the ride, and worries that the mother of the bride will get “shagged by a team of Chipmunks.” LOL. She meant Chippendales, but this is a party being thrown by tight ass fuck once a year Lisa. She might actually have hired the Chipmunks.
Just don’t get nuts in my face, dahling.
Fail laughs and laughs, and then she arches her head back and wow. She looks like a tree. A crazy ass rubber tree.
DD and Camille are hanging out at the house Frasier hasn’t had repossessed yet. Brandi comes over for a visit, and they don’t even let her in the door before they’re talking shit. They can’t believe how wacko and psychotic Fail turned out to be and agree that she needs an exorcist. HAHA. DD says that Fail accused Cam of putting her kid in jeopardy, and DD says that Kennedy is in jeopardy because Fail won’t leave an abuser. Cam is sick of talking abuse, so she gets pissy about Fail and Lisa’s newfound friendship. Fortunately, Adrienne is still pissed at Lisa, so she’s invited Cam, the Help, and Brandi to Vegas for a competition trip. Hopefully she’ll take her competing tiny dog and her competing shoe line.
First, though, Ad and Paul are going on some morning talk show because they’re a power couple. Are they? Man, standards are low these days. Ad says power couple like twenty times. Are we supposed to believe that because she keeps saying it? You’re a freakishly rich couple of homely Bickersons. FF. Sometimes you just have to say
Back from commercials, and we’re still with them. Ugh FINE. So this show is called The Doctors, and they’re there to talk about staying healthy while being so busy. LOLOLLLLL!! Paul’s fat and Adrienne looks like a lightbulb someone rested a brown candle on. How is that healthy? Paul eats cupcakes, then goes on TV and says he walks up hills a lot. N word please! You take a golf cart to get around your own damn house! Adrienne is asked about jealousy over success, and she says that she’s not more successful than Paul, but she’s a better driver and better at starving herself. Oh, and like eighty thousand billion gazillion times richer. Who cares? You’re not interesting on your own damn TV show, and now you’re not interesting on another TV show within your TV show. GET ME OUTTA HERE.
Kyle is chandelier shopping for her White People Party. Unfortunately, this isn’t Broadway, so there’s not a queen in half a mask to cut a rope and try to murder someone. Faye drops a chandelier. No one seems to care. Including me. F this. Let’s go to Vegas! Ad arrives and meets up with her brother George. I wonder if this family would have paid less attention in business class if they were better looking. Sometimes God blesses people with homeliness.
George is banging one of his hot waitresses, and Ad makes them stop holding hands. HAHA. Lisa and Pandy are shopping for wedding dresses. I hope they sell fiancés that enjoy vaginas, or you’re in for one long sad life, girl. The only interesting part is when Rip Torn comes in and tries to figure out how to sit properly on the sofa.
Pandy tries on dress. It looks like it’s peeling. Get that thing some lotion.
Pandy wants more diamonds. And a tiara! And claw bangs! How many dresses do we have to watch her try on? Lisa’s bored, too, and says she’s excited to shop for male strippers instead. I wish there was a storyline store on this street.
Camille and DD arrive in Vegas. While Cam fills out service comment cards (too small, can’t live here, need an acre, service = 0) and DD shoves wash cloths and tiny soaps into her knock off bag, Ad listens to Twitch’s latest excuse for not showing up. Her neck hurts, she’s an ICON, her electricity is out, she doesn’t like the planes at the Vegas airport, blah. No one buys it, but no one seems to care all that much, either. This is about plugging Ad’s hotel, so the camera men get to work. Meh. The Gold Coast. Now THERE’S a hotel.
Lisa, Failor, and the bachelorette party girls arrive at Not The Palms and squeal at each other. They get to their bad ass room and squeal some more. Lisa tries to teach Fail how to steep tea, but she can’t figure it out. It’s her birthday, so Lisa lets it go and launches into some depressing story about how quick the kids grow up and how sad it is. Fail can’t really relate to that, so she says that her assistant made her forty pancakes this morning and Kennedy served them to her. Lisa is looking forward to fixing Fail’s sadness, but going to Vegas on your bday with a woman who openly hates you is about as sad as it gets. Still, Lisa is determined to “get her shagged by a Chipmunk.” Chipmunk and Power Couple are the running jokes of the night, I guess.
Kyle’s writing a book on how to steal houses, and today she’s shooting her cover. Her plan is to lay on the table like Sonja on RHONY, but without the old ass toaster, the unpaid help, and the hoohaw scaring Bensimon. In other words, she’s stripped the fun out of it. She is sad that she’s not getting Kim’s support, but her dog is in the picture, so yay? The photog makes Kyle bribe the pup with cheese, and once they get the shot, the dog gets a lot of cheese. And then he goes to shit violently like Camille after accidentally swallowing a TicTac whole.
Lisa goes to a bachelorette party for Pandy and sits at the head of the table. She knows she’s not getting married, right? She complains about her feet hurting. The guests at this shindig must be really psyched they saved up enough for airfare to listen to some rich ole grump yammer on about how much fun trolleys were before those god awful bus things came on the scene.
Ad’s team is squealing and jumping up and down in the private bowling alley in Ad’s suite, like they didn’t all see it last season. Well, DD wasn’t there, but I presume she watched it over and over again on TV while she squeezed her thighs together and prayed for Frasier to be out of the picture. Brandi shows up, not able to hide her disappointment that they’re spending the evening tossing balls at phallic symbols instead of cock hunting. And then in comes…Dana. Wow Ad. Really A listing it up. The strip’s just a loooooong cab ride away! She should only serve Dana dessert.
Dana shows off her rented (embarrassing!) million dollar lollipop holder necklace. Camille rolls her eyes that this moron doesn’t even know it’s where you’re supposed to store your dime bag. She focuses her attention on Brandi. She says she likes her because she’s so up front about who she is and blahblah, but we all know it’s because Brandi will bring some peen to the table. In about twenty minutes, that skank will be serving Asian businessmen shots off her wonky tits at the bar downstairs.
Meanwhile, Lisa is moaning and groaning her way to the Chipmunks with the bachelorette party. They look like they’re having the time of their lives.
Pandy’s bought plastic tiaras. Lisa’s says Mother of the Bride, and Failor’s says “I’m With Crazy ⬇”. When they arrive at the show, they get to start backstage. This episode finally gets interesting! YAAAAAAY!
Lisa asks if she gets to see their wieners, but they say no, they use cock socks. “I’m good at knitting!” She says that Ken doesn’t wear cock socks. HAHAHAHAH. I know I have been a little complainy this recap, so let me make it up to you the way the show is making it up to me.
The mostly naked dudes come out into the audience, make Lisa stand up, and pull the giant rod out of her ass. Suddenly, she realizes she loves strippers. Can I get an AMEN?
I surrender, dahling.
But back to the real story. I think it’s about hammering something.
Fail pretends she doesn’t know what the jack off dance means. She’s a terrible actress, even at acting real in a fake reality show. Boooooo.
Ask Crystal. She’ll explain it to you.
I think Lisa has this couch.
And…that motorcycle now has chlamydia.
Failor wants to play Hungry Hungry Hippo.
Speaking of badly coordinated sex workers, remember last season when they went to Vegas and Camille did her stripper dancing and hit on everyone’s husbands? This is like that, only without the men.
Sad wasted terrible stripper dance I can’t steal your husbands cuz they’re not here horns.
She teams up with Brandi and they do the lesbian dance to try and attract men. It works. They find a midget with two years of college willing to spend their money. Congrats!
Ad says that she wanted to show Lisa a good time too, but oh well. Oh shut up. You could have invited her. Instead, you’re trying to compete yet again and failing. Let’s see. Here we get to see pathetic Dana, slutty ex C lister wife Brandi, uncoordinated angry bowel Camille and her friendployee in bad handmedowns dancing. In other words,
Pandy, Fail and Lisa are brought onstage to have a lap dance contest. Leave it up to this show to give us hot pictures and then ruin it with this.
Fail fails. I won’t waste your time with that pic. She gets booed. LOL. Lisa wins! She was embarrassed and wants to do it again. Teehee.
Back in BeHi, Kyle is raiding her sister The Rich One’s consignment shop for some free clothes for her White People Party. She’s with Mauri’s mom, and insists on dressing her like a sad old lady with boobs down to her knees. There will be no Oedipal complex on her watch.
Just in case.
Kyle goes out to pretend to get her credit card out of the car while the shopkeeper forgets she took a dress. She runs into Twitch, who was shopping for shoes. She wants to talk, so they boot MauriMom out and sit in the store window. Twitch is sad cuz her daughters aren’t happy with her moving in with Mister Toad. Kyle says everyone just wants her to be happy and they suspect she might just be lonely and desperate and moving in with an ugly guy just cuz he has a decent coke dealer. Twitch says if she says she’s happy then everyone should be happy for her. Doesn’t she look happy?
Aw! I meth you so much!
Kyle ignores that and calls Twitch out on looking like a dried out coat rack. Twitch starts dry sobbing, and damn. She looks terrible. Poor thing. We cut to commercial and…MY TIVO CRAPS OUT! WTF?!!?!?as;doigapwoigqwoeirngasldvnpwoeugh
Goddammit!! It’s almost four am here and I don’t get to see the end ? PISSED!! PLEASE recap the last five minutes for me in the comments!! WHY GOD?!?!
I will update this post this afternoon when I get the end, so until then, help a brother out! This is how I feel right now:
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