I know some of you don’t want to read a whole recap, so if you’d rather watch the quick and dirty video version, do so below! Enjoy!
This Christmas, I was really sad about there not being a Housewives episode on. I mean, what the hell was going to entertain me while I visited family in Texas? Turns out, the nativity story is really juicy and did the trick. Did you know that Jesus’ mom was dating some carpenter dude and got date raped by God? Scandal!! So much so that she was uninvited to every hotel in town and had to give birth in a barn. The only people who showed up were dudes in dresses and some donkeys. It was sad. Point is, that kid born into scandal became the center of a religion. So don’t worry, Taylor! There’s a chance for Kennedy after all!
Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Camille accused Failor Armstrong of possibly lying about getting abused before getting IBS all over Lisa’s silk couch,…
Failor told Russell Camille slandered him so he threatened to sue her, and so did Lisa,….
I’m supposed to pay for the couch now, too? Come oooon! I only got fifty mil from Frasier and he has a tiny one! WAAAAAH I’M A VICTIIIIIM!
…and then the cast dressed like klansmen and kicked Failor and Russell out of a party so they don’t get sued every time they casually make an abuse joke.
We can’t have a proper game night if we can’t discuss who beat who. Byeeeeeee!
Failor, worried that she might get kicked off the show, tried pulling off a Britney.
But it was just ten thousand times more horrifying and I had nightmares through the New Year.
We open at Kyle’s White People Party, and it’s star studded. Look! It’s Anne Burrell! That bitch will show up anywhere for some free Fatburger.
The limo ride home looks really fun you guys.
This is awkward. Let’s play slug bug.
Lisa is going off to Ken about how much kicking Fail out sucked, but her crazy ass husband can’t just go around suing everyone. She can’t have her funds tied up right now. There’s no way Fail’s possible abuse is going to interfere with her restaurant’s add on.
Cam says she feels bad to have made Kyle kick out Fail, but her lawyers told her to. She tries to make Kyle feel better by serving up two skin beach balls filled with saline, but it doesn’t work.
Ad and Paul don’t feel bad about it at all. If Fail wants to go around town blabbing about her husband, then she can’t sick said husband on said town when he doesn’t like that people repeat it. Period. Ad goes on and on about it, and then asks angrily why Fail doesn’t just leave Russell’s ass if he’s so abusive. Yikes. She’s saying this all in front of Taylor’s best gay, which isn’t very wise.
If there weren’t free burgers here, I’d be GONE.
Back in the limo, Russ is staying calm for the cameras. It would have been nice if Camille had just called last week for a casual talk about how he was gonna sue her bony ass off. Fail says gently that he probs shouldn’t have sent the email in the first place, and he says he can’t just have some naked detective spreading lies about him all over town. Fail says that she was exaggerating, not spreading lies. His calmness seems to be freaking her out.
He agrees that it was “absolutely” an exaggeration. “It was an out and out lie!” Which is more than an exaggeration, but why nitpick? He turns away and Fail makes “Not a lie” faces at the camera so he can’t see them. She tells us that it was not a lie at all. Dundunduuuuuuun. Back at the party, Ad is still going off on how unfair Fail is being. Kyle jumps in, shouting that she wants to support Fail in case Russ did something, but what if they support her and she’s just lying? Best friend just sits there on mute. He’s sticking up for Fail in the only way he can, by collecting evidence. He’s probably got his iPhone recording a really long angry voice note right now. Now we’re cutting back from the limo to the party and it’s awkward and horrible.
I can’t believe people are lying about us right when my ten minutes of therapy is starting to work!
I believe Taylor! And these borrowed rings cost ninety million dollars!
My chest. Please say that burger didn’t have onions. PLEEEEASE! I can’t afford to pay for another couch.
Weeeeell, I did talk about our marriage and already said I was sorry….besides….
Every couple fights! You think Mauricio hasn’t strangled Kyle before? Please!
Lisa says that Taylor told her the abuse story the first night they met, and she has hated Russell ever since. Wait. What? You bitches have known all this for two years now? And who tells someone they’re being abused the first night they meet? I usually open with my eating disorder and webbed toes.
The remaining gals decide to party it up. Kyle blabs to a couple about kicking out Fail, and then she takes to the dance floor for some attention whoring. Her guests seem unsurprised and super excited by it.
Let me guess…she’s gonna do the splits.
Lisa and Dana tell Twitch that Kyle just kicked out Fail, and Twitch slurs “wasshe…dringing?” LOLOLLLL!! “Thangod idwazn’d methizyear.” Then she laughs like it’s the most hilarious thing in the world.
If they sold fly swatters encrusted in fake diamonds, Lisa would whip one out of her purse right now and whack these two with it.
Brandi is telling Paul that she had fun in Vegas and made out with Camille, but Ad didn’t wanna join in. Ad says Paul wouldn’t want her to because he knows he can’t compete with a woman. HAHA. Then Cam and Brandi do their “omg we’re desperate homely college freshman who can’t get laid sexy lesbian dancing with each other” thing again. Yawn.
Everyone else joins in the dancing while Mister Toad stands on the sidelines, gives Twitch evil eye and picks the crap out of his teeth. EW!
He joins Twitch on the dance floor, wipes his food goo on her back, and makes out with her while her family makes barfing gestures at each other. Twitch is psyched that everyone’s talking about her and slurs “we tageoooooover the dance floor! Like chchchchch!” Huh? They need to come out with a box of word magnets: Twitch edition. “Raaar!” “Chchchc” “Stole my house!”
Kyle knows that Twitch is just trying to prove to everyone she’s happy, and Kyle ain’t buyin’ it. She may be a bitch, but she’s not wrong.
One of Lisa’s dog’s recently died. I felt horrible for her until tonight. She’s skinned it, dyed it, and put it on.
Cocker spaniels may die, but they nevah go out of style, dahling.
Giggy isn’t allowed to go to Hawaii, but he’s dressed like a damn fool anyway. Poor thing. No wonder his hair is falling out.
I hate my life.
Lisa’s feeling kinda bad about the group telling Fail she’s not welcome on the Hawaii trip, but she feels better when Ken tells her that he ran into Cedric the Leech the other day and he told Ken that he was now a life coach for some interior designer. LOL! Lisa has a good laugh at that and suggests he change the title to “life roach.” She’s pissed about Brandi Cock Bring it On Bitch coming on the trip, because she’s friends with Leech, but it’s good in a way because it gives her someone to hate and she won’t have to waste time tonight on her daughter’s lame ass wedding.
Kyle’s trying to pack, and she’s annoyed that Mauri is working out instead of helping her. I’ve never heard of a woman getting mad that her husband is working on his hotness in his forties, but whatever. We get this shot, so I’ll let it pass:
She needs more room in her luggage, he needs to not put a shirt on ever. Mister Toad is coming to Hawaii, and Kyle plans to support her sister by being rude to her man. Ah, sisterhood. Let’s go to the airport. Twitch is late. Kyle calls her, but there’s no answer. She and Lisa kvetch about her while Brandi gives the “she’s probably hanging out with her friend Crystal right now” look.
She’s gonna meth the flight.
Twitch calls back. She’s lost her passport and her driver’s license is expired. Kyle nags her on speaker phone about lying regarding getting her driver’s license renewed, and Twitch starts verbally twitching and freaking out. She’ll have to catch the six o’ clock flight. Brandi hopes she doesn’t come so there won’t be drama. LOL. What the hell do you think you’re on this show for, ho? The producers will get her there if they have to put her ass in a bike basket and pedal her there themselves.
Failor goes to visit her TV Orthodontist for some therapy and tells him about the email Russ sent to Cam. By the way, his title has been changed from Ostoperisodiant or whatever to Adult and Family Psychiatrist. Way to stay on the ball, editors!
That doesn’t mean I can’t get you a good quote on braces, though. CALL NOW!
Fail is more honest with the doc than she was with Russ, and admits up front that Cam was just repeating what Fail told her. Doc asks what their communication was like after the party, and Fail says that she won the game of slug bug on the way home. He’s like…um….don’t you think it’s weird that you just got kicked out of a party and didn’t talk about it? Fail answers with a dazed, blank pout.
Doc can’t believe that Russ didn’t apologize for ruining her night. LOL. “So there’s no ownership.” Taylor pauses and thinks. “No, I guess not.” HAHAH! On either side! He still doesn’t know you told them all he beat the shit out of you, liar! And sending the email was a dick move, but he did it because you told him Camille was slandering you at a party. OY this woman makes my head hurt. Doc starts his Russ bashing and tries to coax Fail into leaving, basically. Seems kinda slanted to me, but I’m not big on therapy in the first place. Obviously.
Fail fake sobs about how she’s sick of being characterized by Russell’s bad behavior, which she has no part in at all. Doc’s like umleavethat’llbefivehundreddollarskthnxcallmebye. And we all see where this is heading. If you don’t know about Fail’s filing for divorce to stay on the show, read about it here. Fail tells us that she’s super pissed about not getting to go to Hawaii, and she isn’t mad at the ladies AT ALL.
Fail not being mad at the ladies.
On the plane, Kyle calls Twitch on speaker one more time just to strangle the phone and give everyone a good laugh. Twitch will be on the six o’clock flight with Paul. Ad laughs that he would rather be next to a screaming baby. I like sitting next to screaming babies, too. You can pinch them really hard and they can’t tattle tale on you. Cam is asking the stewardess for a drink called 16 Ounces of Freedom, but she doesn’t know how to make it. Cam giggles anyway and says “I like eight inches of freedom!” Goddammit. I forgot to buy a new stain stick this week and I have vomit all over my pajamas.
Lisa, already bored, decides to drum up some drama about Twitch. She tells Kyle maybe Twitch is late because she doesn’t want to bring the boyfriend around. I don’t know how that makes any sense, but I appreciate the poking with a stick that she’s up to so let’s just roll with it. Kyle says that she associates Mister Toad with a very rough time in Twitch’s life. Probably when she was always fighting with her friend Crystal. Lisa points out that Twitch seems a lot happier lately, and Kyle says that she knows Twitch isn’t happy. Cut to Twitch claiming to be super happy.
Kyle gets annoyed, but knows Lisa is taunting her and just lets it drop. Boooooo. Let’s let Camille explain how she made it through all those years with Frasier.
The plane lands, but they have to take another one to the island they’re staying on. Fortunately, Mauri has rented a private plane. Unfortunately, his last name isn’t Maloof.
Brandi sees it and starts drunkenly freaking out about how it lookthligeafugginghoovervaggumburp. I thought we left Twitch at home.
No one’s too thrilled with Mauri’s cheapness. Ken jokes that he needs tape for the hole in his window. Brandi hopes she has a hole in her window too.
Lisa snarks “Brandi, you’re ankle’s fatter than the rest of you.” HAHA. Brandi, wasted, slurs “Done be jealous ovmycangleidsgonna be haaawt!” She tells us that she took some xanax, but she longs for the days when it was still legal to roofie yourself. I love this show so fucking hard.
The plane sputters to a bumpy landing, and Kyle seems more freaked out by drunk Brandi than she was by the flight. Brandi stumbles down the stairs slurring about something or other as I laugh and laugh. She and Twitch got off on the wrong foot. They could be hilarious best friends.
On the bus, Mauri says he can’t wait for a cocktail and the beach. Brandi: “Cock and beach!” HA. She turns behind her to Lisa and says “Lisa and Ken. I haven’dzeen the love bedween you. I’m guezzingid’s there.” OMG. Give this woman an Emmy NOW. Lisa laughs it off and says not to worry about her, she’s been clamping her jayjay shut for thirty years and she doesn’t need to change her ways now. Then she tells us that the gas tank in poor Brandi’s tank is running on empty. Teehee.
Brandi moves on to Camille. She’s been trying to set Cam up with a super rich dude. The problem is the guy has a red Ferrari, which means he’s a douchebag and has a small wiener. Love it. Ad says that her brother had a red Ferrari, and she can vouch for the untruthfulness of Brandi’s claim. GROOOOOOOOOOOSS! Keep your family secrets a secret, ya creep!
They arrive at the Four Seasons. Lisa jumps on the bed and tells Ken that she might make an exception to her Christmas/Birthday rule and have sex with him in Hawaii. Brandi may be crass and kinda gross, but she helps older ladies fuck their husbands, so good on her. And ew.
Everyone gathers for drinks after a change of undies. Lisa comments on Brandi and Cam’s tits being all over the place while Brandi slurs all over Ken about how wasted she is. Lisa yells at her to get her paws off her homely rich dude and find her own. And put your right nipple away while you’re at it, dahling! Ken smiles sheepishly and everyone looks around the room to see if they’re the only one that can smell his silent faht.
Brandi tells us that Lisa wasn’t really jealous. She likes when B gives her man attention so she doesn’t have to. LOL. Lisa is annoyed that her man is all revved up and she’s gonna have to put out tonight. This episode is way too fun. Fail will be showing up any second to ruin it. Brandi brings up Twitch’s boyfriend, telling everyone she met him and he looks like a bull mastiff. BWAHAHAHAH! Kyle thinks that’s really rude. It is, but no less than you telling everyone he’s a controlling asshole who possibly got wasted with your sister all the time. Even? Brandi continues that she thought he was just Twitch’s gay friend. Lisa agrees that he looks like a bull mastiff, but not a gay one. Cut to Twitch defending her taste, saying she doesn’t think “Maurice” is the hottest guy on the block.
Who would want this
when you could have this?
Paul shows up to his hotel room in time for breakfast and tells his story of traveling with Twitch. She said some stuff on the plane about horses and ring dings and butterflies and terrorism, complemented the pleather used on the seats, and started asking people what they would do for a Klondike bar. Then, in the Hawaii airport, she disappeared into the bathroom and he didn’t see her again. Ad rolls her eyes and says she wishes she could call the kids cuz she’s lonely. Um, your husband JUST got here. Make an effort, ya hag! He’s worked very hard for you to look like a popsicle melted over a snow globe. The least you could do is pretend you’re happy he’s here with you.
Now for a disturbing scene of Brandi and Camille in bikinis by the pool lezzing out all over each other. EW. FF. I have my limits. I’m sure they talked about fascinating things. Thankfully, Lisa shows up to make fun of Brandi’s bikini (“butt floss”) and make a “I don’t beat around the bush, theah was no bush theah” comment. She needs a show in the Catskills. Phyllis Diller could use someone to give her a run for her money. She’s been comfortable for waaaay too long.
They all go down to meet Kyle and Mauri on the beach, and Kyle immediately starts kvetching about Twitch. Lisa says just not to mention the lateness so they can keep on enjoying their trip. After Lisa makes more comments about how far Brandi’s suit is up her ass, Failor calls and says her marriage is over. Lord. You guys have caller id. USE IT.
Fail cries a bit and says she’s doing it for the kid and not because she was blocked from the Hawaii trip. Lisa fake cries in her honor and says that she feels guilty being on a beach while wacko deals with this mess alone. Kyle is glad Fail is leaving too, and they both are nice and then hang up and turn off their ringers. So that’s that. Next week, Mauri and Twitch fight about house stealing and Russell tries to figure out how to tie up loose ends. See you then!
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Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit