Previously on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Kyle put some chicken fingers from Costco on some toothpicks and raised five dollars for kids with cancer,
Some chunky moron came on the scene with sunglasses made out of kids with cancer,
One of these poor bastards even knew how to play piano!
And Brandi thought everyone considered her a slut cuz she used a bad word.
Walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it’s a slut.
We open with Lisa, who’s at home abusing her maid while trying to teach her how to properly set a table.
Cry one moah time and I’ll cut of youah hand and feed it to Fergie.
Meanwhile, Ken and Giggy are becoming the same person.
Double silent faht
Pandora, she of the claw hair, is coming over for dinner with her gay boyfriend and his parents. Max is at home while Lisa pretends to cook, and Lisa listens in on his phone conversation. She’s thrilled and scared when he tells the 777-FILM guy on the other line “I love you, too!” before hanging up. What does this mean? Is her boy growing up? Is he in love or was he just trying to cover up the end of his weed order? Lisa doesn’t know, but she vows to get to the bottom of it. She just hopes that if it is a girl, she’s not…
…a dog. Taylor has Dana over to “make cookies”. What’s with the pretend cooking today? Failor’s in a tight micro mini. Ladies, you’ve already landed rich ugly men. Relax! Watch some TV and let yourselves go. Wait. Not you Dana. Get a stairmaster and chew on some air or something. You’re just engaged. Dana’s wearing an “I’m not fat, it’s the dress” dress. Dana is the size of a normal woman. Unfortunately for her, she’s in a town without normal women. Sad too fat for this zipcode horns.
Your butt makes that dress look fat.
After Dana pretends she doesn’t know what a microwave is (it’s the thing you put the Ben and Jerry’s in for thirty seconds so you don’t chip another crown, ya heifer), the girls start shit talking about the bbq. Brandi said “the c-o-c-k word!” Taylor thought she could be friends with Brandi, since they’re both squeezing the rich men in their lives for everything they’re worth, but she cursed in public! What a heathen! Something’s off with Taylor’s face tonight. Half of it is Asian and the other half is a crumpled up brown paper bag. Time to stop buying surgery off Living Social.
The conversation moves to game night. Taylor wants Dana to have the party cuz she’s soooo traumatized from whatever it is that she does with her life. “For once I wanna be a guest!” For once? LOL! The only time she’s ever thrown a party was that embarrassing $65,000 kid party where she danced on the table and embarrassed America and women and humanity. Dana agrees to have the party at her place. She’ll serve only ice cream and vodka, and her son will speak ten languages, tap dance, and do fractions as entertainment. Then he’ll shit his pants.
Sorry about your tiny wiener.
Kyle goes to lunch with a hairless sow that got its neck stuck on a doorjamb and kept running.
Ouch. That’s gotta hurt.
They do the whole “God I’m so busy buying stuff” routine before they get right to the shit talk. What does Kyle think of Brandi?
She’s a gimp whore. Let’s buy something. I’m bored.
She says B isn’t a good girl and she’s tacky and crass. Ad doesn’t really care that B’s kid pissed on the grass and that B used the c word. She shrugs off Kyle’s bitching and turns the conversation on Kim, totally tattle taling on the poor ICON for being on meth or whatever.
I just got a bill from the airline because Kim’s armrest on the plane tested positive for chlamydia and crack cocaine. DO SOMETHING.
Ad tip toes around the subject and just says Kim acted strange and Paul thought she might be wasted. Kyle just says Kim’s sounded wasted since she was five and then she turns the conversation around to how hard Kim’s wackiness is on her. Poor Kim is never gonna get help at this rate. Her intervention will go something like this: Kyle: Are you drunk? I wish I was drunk, but I can’t get drunk because Mom made me promise to be the designated driver and it makes me resent you god my husband’s hot sorry you’re alone I’m gonna call Camille on a blocked line and tell her she’s insecure. BYEEEEE!
Ad suspects this episode is boring as fuck so far, so she goes to meet Brandi somewhere that Dana might just happen to show up at: an ice cream store.
Sorry I don’t know where this pic came from, but while we’re here, YOU’RE STILL FAT.
Ad asks if Brandi had fun at the bbq, and B says that she did have fun if you consider being judged by a bunch of aging cocksucking harpies fun. B admits that it was in bad taste to make fun of Dana’s ugly dude cheating on her, even though it’s probably true. Ad says she should just let that kinda stuff go or get super rich so no one dares fuck with you at parties. Good advice. I learned something! Another thing I’ve learned from this show is that plastic surgery makes your face really itchy. These bitches scratch more than pound puppies.
Ad comforts B by saying people must be jealous of her. All the girls are in line to get dumped by a guy that’s way hotter than them publicly now. Then she scratches her nose.
Brandi wants to have a party, but she’ll only do it if Ad makes the girls come. Ad promises to do just that. If you can’t bond with a girl over bad surgery, there’s nothing left. Instead of shaking, they itch their noses together. It’s like a sad rubber circle jerk.
Pointless Party time! These useless parties are really good for the rental economy.
It’s Game Night at Dana’s. Might I suggest pin the tail on the donkey? I wanna hear Dana squeal. Kyle is the first to arrive, and Dana comes clunking down the stairs really looooudly and sloooowly. Kyle likes Dana’s outfit, and Dana thanks her in the language of sad white trash clawing their way up the social ladder: “Valentino!” Kyle wants to respond “Um, Target!” HAHAHAH! Brandi hobbles up to the house. She’s going to wait to eat with everyone else. Unfortunately, her ass isn’t. Binge in private, slut ass!
Brandi compliments Dana’s outfit, so Dana says “Valentinoooo!” again. HAHAHAHAH!! WHAT A DICK! Now Kyle is stuck with fat nouveau riche Dana and slut cock face Brandi. She gives us suicide face. Foreshadowing!
Super long two minutes as Brandi hobbles noisily into the game room. Dana clunks loudly to get a drink and is sure to leave a trail of “I can’t walk in these Fendis!” assholeishness behind her. AWKWARD! Kyle faces away from Brandi for awhile and then slowly looks back to see if she’s still there. I am loving every second of this.
Cock. She hasn’t even scratched her cock sucking nose once. I’m fucked. With a cock.
Total silence and dirty looks. Then Dana comes clunking back in talking about how one of her implants was adopted from Taiwan and you can hear it speak Japanese if you put the saline sack up to your ear for long enough. Think this can’t get any more uncomfortable?
Kyle snarks “I have NEVER. Been so happy to see Camille.” HAHA. She says hi to Cam, and Cam gives her a too long “I’m pretending I love you deeply while waiting for my violent shart to pass so I don’t have to change my tights before the party starts” hug.
Camille’s “I’m pretending I love you deeply while waiting for my violent shart to pass so I don’t have to change my tights before the party starts” hug.
Dana has gone all out with game themed desserts, and Camille is honored that Dana bought meringues shaped like unhealthy poo to symbolize her lifelong struggle with exlax addiction IBS.
Nothing says “I wanna be friends” like a good ole fashioned IBS cookie.
Camille fakes it well, but she tells us in a husky, tough talkin’ voice that Dana’s house is empty and all she had was a sad table of dessert and breadsticks. LOL! I am loving this chain smoking, over it Camille. It’s making me really sad.
Camille’s an asshole. And I….like it? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!?!?
Taylor shows up next. I think it’s funny that Tay wears the same kind of dress to look fatter as Dana does to look thinner.
Not working in either case.
Taylor shows up fake laughing and acting kinda wasted. “Something’s going ooooon heeeeere!” Huh? Taylor just please don’t talk. Dana’s phone rings, and it’s a ringer the Black Eyed Peas wrote just for her. It’s Ad. She’s not coming. Kyle’s PISSED. Love it. Brandi is more scared than Cibrian was after the first night he slept with her and woke up with a connect the dots game on his COCK.
Drew Barrymore? Is that you? Could you maybe turn down the lights a little?
Kim shows up last, and it’s now dark. The weather inside hasn’t changed, though. Silent and sad. She talks to the flowers while she waits at the door, and when Dana answers, she calls her Pam. HAHAHA! Dana corrects her, and Kim says the naughty flowers lied to her. She’s all disheveled and slurry, so Kyle fixes her outfit for her as Kim looks Brandi up and down and asks if she’s cold. LOLOLOLOLLLLLL!! Kim makes addiction look like the funnest life choice ever. She slurs that she’s gonna go to the bathroom to fix her makeup cuz she put it on in the car. Kyle knows that means she saw the dealer earlier in the day, so she follows her. Kim complains that the bathroom is so dirty that she has to clean it to see herself. God bless her. It’s clean! It’s the reflection that needs some fixing, and Mauricio won’t put money for surgery into her drunk in law’s allowance bank account. Just deal.
Kyle sticks her head out to announce to the room that they’ll be a couple of minutes, and Kim sluryells “I’m cleaning your house!” HAHA! Dana tries not to show how offended she is on her face, but it doesn’t work. It looks like someone’s trying to force feed her a carrot.
She traded them for knock of Fendis.
Camille starts talking about her Hawaii house, conveniently leaving out the part where she tried to ban Frasier’s daughter from entering. Not that I’m judging. There’s nothing more American than revising history. Camille’s a shining beacon of patriotism tonight. Dana laughs too big and says she wants to visit Camille, who answers with a warm smile, a hug, and invite. Or none of those things.
There’s a silent pause, so Dana just laughs hard and says “Don’t even kid!”, like Cam just invited her. HAHA. Failor knows that Dana’s trying too hard, and she’s embarrassed for her. This is the woman who crawled into a suitcase and dry humped Kim in a thong two weeks ago. Maybe the embarrassment is just a delayed reaction. Brandi hobbles away, and there is pure disdain in the the sound of those crutches. Dana is still begging Cam to invite her to Hawaii.
In the bathroom, Kim slurs that she’s having panic attacks because she hasn’t eaten or slept in seven days and she’s having fluttering heartbeat and dry mouth and she’s crying a lot. In other words, she’s bragging that she got her hands on some really good shit. Kyle’s like uhhuh that’s great hurry up wahwah my husband’s hot you’re single don’t cry why are you sad you’re career’s over and you’re kids are gone hurry let’s go make fun of Brandi. They finally come out of the bathroom, Kim’s literal cry for help ignored. Kyle would be a terrible 911 operator. Hang up on your ass.
Taylor says that Kim seemed like a mess, but it’s not like it was anything new. Kim is slurring (I know I’m using that word a lot, but how else do you say it?) and hugging Camille too long over talk of the ski trip. She has a special diet coke that she makes the bartender put in a glass for her, and Kyle tests it and reports to us that it was fine. I don’t think at this point anyone’s worried about alcoholism. We just want to know where she gets that meth! You can live a life in blissful oblivion AND keep your teeth? I’M IN! Kim calls Dana Pam a couple of more times and I have to pause the TV because I am laughing so hard at her crazy ass. Is she wearing the exact same thing she wore on the plane to Sacramento? God, she hasn’t even changed clothes. Thankfully, she’s too tired to hump any of the rented furniture. She looks around the room, as if for the first time. “IS THAT CAKE?” She really breathes life into this show. Granted, that breath would break a breathalyzer, but still. It’s a feat.
Time for Lisa’s dinner party! Old Fartin’ is here! Gay Boyfriend’s parents are here! Stoner Son is here! Gay BF and Pandy are here! So many people, so little personality. Lisa wants them to get married. I don’t, because it means more of this. Gay BF and Pandy are getting married! Lisa cries as I wipe tears of boredom away. Unless someone’s gonna call Pandy Pam and wipe off the bathroom mirror, I have no interest in this scene. Lisa makes a joke that she loves Gay Fiancé like her her son. “Well, more than my son.” Rude! Stoner Kid burps up weed smoke and flips her off. Ken wants to make a speech, but Lisa says no so he lets out a silent fart so deadly Gay Fiancé’s mom faints.
Back at Game Night, Kim calls Dana Pam a couple of more times before going to the bathroom to snort Ajax or whatever the fuck she’s on. She makes Kyle leave the bathroom to “do one thing on my own.” The camera men are there, but I guess I’d drop the cam too if I knew I was about to taste the best shit ever. Let’s cut them some slack for not getting incriminating footage. Meanwhile, Brandi tells us that she used to be a model back in the early nineties when Bill Blass came out with his line of veils and she knows a drug addict when she sees one.
In completely unrelated news, Taylor looks like a big bonfire of melting tires.
For once, I’m agreeing with the TV ratings system. Children should not be watching old rubber ladies unhinging their jaws. Nightmares lead to low test scores and early anorexia.
Everyone’s hungry now, but Dana only has dessert. When in Rome, buy a fucking plane ticket and get out of there before you gain thirty pounds and look like a Roman. Those are a sad people.
Game time! They’re playing Celebrity. Dana splits people up on teams, and she puts Brandi on the same team as Kim and Kyle. Kim says as loudly as she can slur that she doesn’t wanna be on team Brandi. Kyle cackles and Brandi keeps her mouth shut. She does, however, get her crutches closer so she can beat a bitch if she has to.
Crouching Tiger Hidden Crutch up a Richards’ Sister Cornhole
When it’s B’s turn to give clues, she says “Um…a famous black man that’s not Martin Luther King”. HAHAHAH. Kim sluryells “Martin Lawrence! Lawrence Henderson! Harry and the Hendersons! Harry Hamlin! Ham! Spam! Spamalot! Salem’s Lot! Salem Indiana! Music Man! Terrence Man! Terri Hatcher!” and Brandi’s like “No. Um….when you go to pray you go to…”
Kim: Toilet! Porcelain God! Godrick! True Blood! Bloody Mary! Mary Poppins! Popcorn!
Brandi: Yes! His first name is a cigarette….
If every black person in America said “OH HELL NO” at once but there were no white people acknowledging their existence, is there anyone to get offended?
Stupid. Fucking. White. Bitches.
Brandi skips and goes again. Brandi: “OK! Best rapper in the world!”
Kim: Brad Pitt! Pit stain! Stain stopper! Stop the insanity! Susan Powter! Cocaine! BRB going to bathroom.
No one can believe she thought Brad Pitt was a rapper, and she says “I thought you said Brat Pack!” Poor Brad Pitt is somewhere in the hills totally mortified right now. On the bright side, Emilio Esteves feels like a total badass. Their time runs out, and Kyle half heartedly guesses “Jay Z.” Brandi’s like “White guys don’t rap, Kyle.”
Kim gives clues to only Kyle, and they’re all celebs they’ve hung out with, been invited to parties by, or taken Paris to the clinic to be deloused after sleeping with. Brandi is openly pissed now, because the sisters are being way rude. She has a right to be. No wonder Kathy won’t hang out with those witches. Dana’s turn to give clues! She introduces herself as Pam, but the joke falls way flat and Kim slurs something un-rewind worthy about it. Dana gives her a fake “Kidding! I love you!” and Kim pulls a “I could be injecting something under my toenail right now and you’re just wasting my damn time” face and says “You really love me?” Dana brushes it off and says “I love your soul.” Dana is just painful to watch. Kim stumbles off to the bathroom to get the mirror clean enough to do lines off of. She’ll put chemicals into her body, but she draws the line at poor people pretending to be rich dust.
The game stops so Kyle can go get Kim out of the bathroom. Brandi says that her team hates her and is obviously wasted. Kim and Kyle meet in the bathroom and shit talk. Kyle seems to like Dana now for shamelessly kissing her ass, but they both hate B. In the living room, Brandi is telling a totally non committal Camille that Kim’s obviously a drug addict. Cam is trying to weasel out of saying anything, but Brandi keeps at it. Camille can understand feeling like Kim and Kyle are being rude, cuz Kyle and Kim are rude. They were never this openly hostile toward Camille, though. When everyone is back together, Brandi gets up and calls Dana Pam. Dana tells her to shut up and stop stealing jokes from Kim. Sad possum face horns.
Kim wanders off again, but this time it’s to hide Brandi’s crutches. LOLOLOLLL!! Dramatic music starts playing. Kim says “She hates us” to Kyle. Um, yeah. We’re all kind on her side at the moment, but please do go on. Kyle gets up to change the game. “IQ TEST!” She points at Brandi and mocks “You first!” Brandi leans back and says “bring it bitch.” Kyle is offended that she was called a bitch. LOL. YOU ARE A BITCH, but she didn’t mean it in the literal way, she meant it the way Winston Churchill used it on his “Pop a Cap in Dem Coppa Pigs” album.
Brandi doesn’t back down, but stays calm and says that Kyle is being a rude bitch and when she and Kim were saying they didn’t want to be on her team it wasn’t nice. Kyle denies ever saying that Camille is insecure without Frasier, and Brandi says she doesn’t remember cuz she’s been in the bathroom too many times. LOL! Kim and Kyle both start rolling their heads and pointing their fingers. A little defensive there, ladies! Kim calls Brandi a goddamn bitch. I thought that was a “bad” word, Kim! You guys are so innocent! I can’t believe you’ve been pushed to the limits like this! Quick someone shove a cock in her mouth before she can say anything else.
Dana treats Brandi like a SlimFast shake and tells Kyle to make Brandi stop calling her Pam. I have to hand it to Dana. I thought she couldn’t get more pathetic. Well done! Kyle puts a sugar cube in her mouth so she’ll stop interfering. Kim says that B is dressed in little stupid short shorts, which turns the convo into everyone thinking B is a slut. She says “it’s fine. I am a slut.” HUH? Not helping yourself here. It’s like watching cock fighting. You don’t really care who wins, you just want it to be over so you can cook the loser and eat something other than IBS cookies.
Kyle says it’s clear that B is a slut, and B says a lot of things are clear tonight. Kyle gets all defensive again, so B says Kim is wasted out of her fucking mind. The sisters jump off the couch and call her a goddamn bitch slut whore. To their credit, they didn’t use any bad words like cock.
Bitch slut hag! Hagrid! Harry Potter! Beatrice Potter! Beanie Babies! Baby Einstein! My babies are gone! GOING TO THE BATHROOM.
Wow. That was something else. We’ve all seen parts of this in previews, but it was a surprise anyway. Brandi was brought on as a villain, but the Witchards Sisters are making her the most sympathetic villain of all time. The show ends here, which is really a rip off. I want to get to the part where Brandi calls Kim out on wearing the same clothes for seven days in a row. aspodgihaoirgasdlg. It’ll have to wait til next week. Now I’ve got all this resentment built up. Thankfully, one of the neighbors just bought a puppy. I’ll go over and strangle that little fucker. See ya next time!