Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, it was all Frasier’s fault. But don’t worry! Tonight we’ve got lots of other people to blame! Like Hank and Sideshow Bob.
We open where we left off last week. With Camille’s “I’m really nice I just got screwed by the Frasiediting” tour. First question: What has Kyle done to Camille’s reputation? She said “delusional” and now the whole world believes it! She also said margarine was tacky, so get on it I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! You’ve got a legit lawsuit on your hands now that the entire Bravo audience believes whatever Kyle says.
Kyle defends herself by saying that she doesn’t know another word for delusional so she just said delusional adelusionlot. “But you accuse me of making things up in my mind!” Oh, Shlemiel. Would it feel better if you were accused of making things up with your falsies? Then so be it.
Stop being delusional. Feel better?
Kyle says that Cam probably believes the stuff she says but that doesn’t make it true and she’s probs not lying, she’s just hearing things wrong. Cam disagrees. So you are lying? Do you even know what you’re disagreeing about any more? Cuz I sure as shit don’t. Kim doesn’t either, but from the way she’s twitching uncomfortably, I think she’s assuming they’re talking about her being an alcoholic.
I never should have done that fucking chicken dance.
Bobblehead asks Kim why she’s acting like a dryer with sneakers in it, and she says that she was there for the original delusional conversation and it was no big deal but then Kyle was crying. Huh? I don’t think I’ve heard this version enough and I have enough versions to not care about already. Bobble doesn’t care either. He asks flat out if Kim thinks Kyle is a bully. Long pause as Kim looks at Kyle and tries not to imagine her with a rolling pin held above her head. “N..no? Not really.” LOL. That was very believable, Icon. You’ll be playing a hot spray tanned crime scene analyst in no time.
Cam jumps in: “I’ve seen her bully you.” I’ve seen my ass looking like Maks from Dancing With the Stars. IN MY DREAMS.
Pause as Kim shakes her head, trying to decide whether now’s the time she should accuse Kyle of Senior Abuse or save it for season 2. More pausing. It’s delicious. Lisa breaks the silence and says that Kyle isn’t a bully, the fight just got out of control. I don’t think Camille was bullied, I mean come on. Is Kyle a pushy, Selma and Patty voiced bitch sometimes? Yes. But that wasn’t the question. Bullying is the new “racist”. You can be having an argument about anything and be stopped dead in your tracks by someone calling you a bully. How can you argue with that? Put a finger in their face and threaten to kill them if they ever speak to you like that again? Hit them with a baseball bat? Tell them you have lots black friends?
Cam can’t argue with facts, so she’s going to bring in her manufactured feeeeeelings again. “I feel! I feeeeeel!” Spit it out, Shlemiel. Pretend it’s lunch. “But…I feeeeeel!” Camille has a kinda brilliant way of winning arguments without actual words and using her methods the past few weeks in real life situations has been fun. I’ve said “thank yooooou!” to compliments not given to me many many times. “That sunset is beautiful.” “Thaaaank yoooooo!” This week, if someone calls me out on something I’m just gonna shrug, pout, and say “But I feeeeel!”
Lisa jumps back in and says that Cam felt under attack and insecure about being married to Frasier but they’ve talked about it a million times. Kyle is just shaking her head like “are we still fucking talking about this?” I know, girl. Let’s talk about what an asshole Jill Zarin was last season.
Bobblehead tries to wrap up that portion of the evening by saying that so far tonight, Camille has blamed Kyle for bullying her and setting her up, blamed Frasier for making her insane in front of the cameras, and blamed the editors for screwing her over. She stutters through her response to this accusation, trying to come up with ways to rephrase what he’s saying, but all we have to do at this point is rewind. She argues that she wasn’t shown as a well rounded character. LOL! I’d blame your mother, but she’s got cancer and that’s not polite. If you want a more rounded character you should try reading stuff, or going back to school to learn a skill, or planting your own herbs or something. Editors aren’t miracle workers.
How much rounder do you need to be?
Bobblehead asks if there is anything at all that Camille is willing to take responsibility for. Other than being married to Frasier. She almost takes responsibility for the things she said about Mauricio cheating on Kyle, but then remembers to add “Medium said it first!”
Clip of Medium saying Mauricio is boning nannies and Cam suggesting that he’s boning more than just nannies. Cam says that she’s always known Mauricio to be nice, but that doesn’t mean he’s a cheater. HAHAHAH! She’s fucking unbelievable. Kyle, of course, is all over it, shouting that that’s not what Camille meant. Kyle scolds her like she’s talking to Portia, and tells her to fess up to at least one thing or she’s not getting mashed nanners. Love it. Ten bucks Portia’s gonna grow up and call her mom a bully.
Camille is pushed into admitting she suggested Mauri was unfaithful and, in a corner, finally says “Fine. Yes. I did.” Pause as she nods directly into the camera like she’s raising money for homeless Haitians.
Dial 800-FRASIER #SFAULT to donate.
Camille knows that everyone in America is watching right now and shouting “CAMILLE’S AN ASSHOLE” at their TVs, but to be fair, they never showed the goooood stuff she diiiiid! Like the charity work! And hanging out with her kids! And blowing that fat guy in the hot tub! Do you think he gets his wiener worked on by hot rich bitches in Malibu all the time? No! SHE’S A GIIIIVER!
That time we saw her bragging about all the great things she does for her friends? Well we never saw the beautiful scene on the beach where Hair Friend came out, fake cried, and thanked her for being so woooonderfuuuuuul! HA. She tries to seem like less of an asshole by being even more of an asshole. I am really starting to love this nut. Bobble reminds her that she compared herself to Jesus. Cam says that was just pure stupidity, and it’s the first honest laugh she gets out of Kyle all night. Uh oh. Jiggy must be within smelling distance cuz Taylor just unhinged her jaw. Danger, Jigs! DANGER!
Oooh let’s talk about Leech!!! Bobble shows a montage of Leech leeching a lot. Best Lisa quote: “I’d like to see things from his point of view, but I don’t think I could shove my head that far up my own ass.” HAHAH. Lisa could spawn an entire bumper sticker franchise if she wanted to. So what happened?? Lisa says that after Ken asked Leech to pick up his girl underwear off the floor, Leech yelled that he has packed all his stuff and he’s out!! Of course, he packed his stuff in Ken’s suitcases. HAHAHAHAH, Leech! At least he’s consistent. As he left, Lisa told him that she doesn’t want all this thrown in her face, and he shouted that she’s not his mother. Um, you’re fucking lucky she’s not. Cuz you would have been sleeping in an alley watching your mom do donkey shows for the locals at thirty seven instead of living the life, you lazy twit.
Kyle warned Lisa that Leech was a leech, but she ignored it. Kyle also suspected that Leech’s story was fake, and it’s looking more and more like she was right. He said he didn’t have family and now Lisa knows he’s got sisters. No word on hooker mom. Lisa denies the reports that there was a fight on the day Leech moved. He got pissed and stormed out, then the next morning he called and asked for a meeting. He requested something, and they refused. We aren’t told what the something is, but you know it’s not a six pack of Hello Kitty undies, cuz he packed those in Ken’s suitcases. It sounds like some kind of blackmail. Kyle interjects “you filed a police report, right?” Lisa hadn’t told anyone that and wasn’t gonna bring it up on the air. Woops. But yes, they called the police and Leech threatened to write a tell all as soon as he learned how to visually pronounce words and stuff.
Ken and Leech argued about this blackmail(?) and Ken accused Leech of making up lies. His response? “It doesn’t matter if it’s made up, they’ll believe me.” I have called him Leech from day one and didn’t buy his “orphan/my mom was a cross between Jodie Foster in The Accused and Fantine from Les Miz” stories, but I thought he was a harmless Leech. Turns out he’s evil. Ugh I am on the phone with service right now because we are changing servers tonight. I hate pressing pause on this shit! Well, while I wait, let’s check out Leech’s Twitter!
Well that was disgusting. Back to the show! Leech is way too big of a pussy to show up here tonight, so he does a little taped segment instead. In the time since he’s left Lisa, he’s bought himself some Liza hair, a ton of eyeliner, a new nose, and let his tits sag.
Also, he’s “been poosooing the actin’.” I would laugh, but David Caruso’s made millions so who knows? This is a sick town. Look at what it does to people. Leech was a handsome guy! Now he looks like an alien doll girl. Don’t. Get. It.
Leech does the obligatory “I loved Lisa and Ken!” before sashaying into the gutter. He says that the “fight” they had that day wasn’t the reason he decided to leave. HAH. DECIDED? Bitch you were asked to leave for months. He says that Lisa’s ego had just gotten sooo big that he couldn’t take it anymore! Lisa was so controlling! “I’m not Jiggy!” Yeah no one likes you. And Jiggy at least shits outside, not out of his mouth all over whoever’s near. And Jiggy doesn’t hide his bald spots with peter pan wigs.
He says a typical day with Lisa was listening to her talk over the intercom and it was a service he was doing that he was paid for in flowers. He felt like the fat ignored dog in the house.
And without Lisa’s money you’d look like her too.
Once Lisa and Ken were done playing with him, they just wanted to toss him aside and he was hurt. If you’d just substitute the words “playing with” with “paying for”, you’d be living on the same planet as the rest of us, you entitled queen. As this fucktard spews his bile about how fake Lisa’s become, let’s look at his new face and wig.
Did you ask for The Taylor?
Lisa says that he’s a lying vindictive piece of shit, and because she’s Lisa she finds a way to slam Camille at the same time by saying that when the cameras follow you for that long they get a really accurate portrayal of who you are. LOVE HER.
Kyle tells a story about her birthday. She was sitting next to Paris, and Leech stood right behind her the whole time to get his pic taken by the papz. HAHAHAH. Even Paris thought it was needy and gross, and she’s…Paris. When the stinky hobo winces and staggers backwards as you pass, it’s time for a bath. Bathe Cedric. So we can see what you look like without the wig.
Now before you all jump in and tell me that’s not a wig, let’s look closer. The only proof I have is the set of eyes that God gave me. And lots of experience with wigs. What?
Now let’s rag on Taylor! Clips of Taylor spending and saying that money is a good part of being married to someone like Russ. Then Taylor crying about being married to someone like Russ. Then Taylor crying more. It’s really a sad, scary sight.
Shhhhhh. There there. Hush now. Kennedy’s breaking out in hives again. Wait. But we killed Snowball!
Is there love in that marriage? Yes, but there was some inattentiveness on both their behalves. Uh huh. She must have taken a bunch of shit from Russ when he saw the show. He probably reminded her that he’s not Frasier and she wouldn’t be having the fun kind of divorce where you get to go on talk shows and walk away with millions of dollars. He’s got a lot tied up in Scottsdale. She tries to cry but can’t squeeze any salties out. Physically. On the Mexico trip, they made up and agreed to change. Lisa thinks it must be a pain to be married to such a sad sack. She’s talking about Russ but she could have been talking to either of them. Camille’s advice? Be haaaaaaaappy! Shut up Camille.
Kim doesn’t like that she doesn’t treat her man like a real man and vice versa. Meh who cares. You’ve been divorced how many times, Twitch? Bring out Ken! Husbands! YAY!
Why is Ad so critical of Paul? He likes to bicker and says it’s their hobby. Did they sign a prenup? Yes and Ad said that in the first episode stupid viewer. Lisa didn’t sign one, Kyle didn’t, and Taylor didn’t either! That’s a surprise. I figured the prenup was where her fear came from. Now I don’t get it. How did it feel for Russ to watch his wife whine about him on TV? It sucked. Would he trade her in for a younger model? Girl, he barely has energy for the sixty something year old he’s got.
Mauri has been receiving nude pics from viewers. LOL. Ken got one too, but from an 86 year old! HAHAH. Is Mauri still Frasier’s realtor? No, but he’s Camille’s! Applause. She’s very comfortable and likable now. That woman needs penii in the room to focus. Let’s watch a montage of Cam flirting with Tennis Ho. It’s grosser than Leech without a wig and makeup.
Lisa jokes that we should all have a Tennis Ho. Cam says that Ho Wife never thought twice about the flirtation until people commented on it after watching the show. Uh huh. They’re just friiiiiiiends! She kisses on the lips cuz she’s Itaaaaaalian! They kiss eeeeeeveryone on the lips! Kiss Mauri right now. I dare you. Triple dog. I like violence. Ken says that he also gets to have sex with Lisa on Valentine’s day. Lisa jokes that it lasts two puffs and a grunt. Bwahahahha. Now let’s ask Ken about Leech. Did he suspect Leech was so horrible?
Nope. Ken supported him, took him all over the world, paid for everything for years and Leech repaid him by telling Ken “I hate your wife, I hate you, and I hate your kids.” He threatened to make up lies about them and Ken hates him. The men are excused. Wait. Mauri didn’t take off his shirt once! BASTARD!
What about Kim’s love life? Non-existent. And no, Ad won’t hook her up with family. They’re busy and she’s a freak. Love Ad. She and Lisa should tour the country telling people off in the nicest way possible. Now back to Kyle being a bully. Kyle admits that she comes off as mean, but they’re sisters and it’s complex. Kim says that Kyle misplaces her anger and she only hits her cuz she loves her. What does Camille think? That Kyle’s tough and she gets it cuz Kyle is tough on her. Amazing to see how Camille can turn herself into the center of every conversation.
Kyle ignores her and starts crying. Yes, she’s hard on Kim dammit but she loves her! AW! I totally get it. When I’ve had a bad day sometimes leaving my sister a voicemail that just says “You’re a twat and mom told me that she secretly hates you and considers you an insufferable burden” helps. Oh God now they’re both crying. Can we please get back to the part about Camille being an asshole? Family dynamics are too hard for anyone to understand without being in the family. You shouldn’t have to publicly make excuses for shitting all over your flesh and blood. It’s like making lions apologize to Bobblehead for eating zebras.
Kim is sobbing and twitching and stuttering and says it’s hard watching her family dynamics play out on TV. Bobble makes her talk about it. She’s cryin’ ugly. Yes Kyle is hard on her but she loves her sister and hearing her talk now makes her understand where she’s coming from. Then Kim and Kyle go back to giving each other death stares. It’s awesome.
Let’s watch a montage of this insane relationship. You say salza, the rest of the world says salsa. Kim’s a twitchy mess, Kyle’s a pushy bitch. Jimmy crack corn, Kim! And now, the fight in the limo and the whole “YOU STOLE MY HOUSE!” thing. To her credit, Kyle looks mortified watching this. She cries when she has to talk about it. Kim says that was the biggest fight they’ve had and now they’re trying to rebuild the relationship so stfu with the invasive questions. Bobble keeps pressing, but Kim won’t go there. He keeps pushing, but she won’t talk about it and keeps saying she loves Kyle and wants it to be ok. Kyle says that her anger came from private stuff that she doesn’t wanna talk about. Again. She switches seats with Camille and sits with Kim, saying she would give anything to take that night back but can’t. They both cry and hold hands and act like a couple of weirdos. Bobble keeps pushing, but the girls won’t budge. Good for you. He’s a fucking soul sucker.
He tries the “Kim is an ICON” avenue, but Kim says that it wasn’t stressful and she loves her fans and parents who named their kids Kim. But didn’t she buy the family everything? Not exactly. Kyle says that yes THEY were both child actors. LOL Kyle. You had a couple of lines. Kim? Julia Roberts. But, like ten. And twitchy.
Lisa says that they have issues that need to be worked on. Bobble reminds Kyle she called Kim an alchie, and Kyle refuses to go there. Taylor tries to babble some fakeness, but Bobble points at her and says “well you started the fight.” HA! She acts dumb and laughs, so he shows a clip. Taylor says it wasn’t supposed to be a fight but there were “other factors at play in Kim’s personality” that night. What a bitch. Bobble asks if she’s saying Kim was drunk, but Taylor says she doesn’t know. I think this is the perfect time to feature the video our lovely commenter sarcastire posted in comments last week. Check it out by clicking the pic below. It’s disturbing and wonderful.
Other factors in Taylor’s personality.
Kim just rolls her eyes at Taylor’s bs. Lisa tries to intervene with kindness. Bobble, annoyed, congratulates them all on being so kind. Then he asks Kim if she’s a drunk. She says no and there’s nothing about that night she’s gonna talk about, but thanks. I love people treating Bobble like the ass he is. These women are not having him. Kyle looks like she’s gonna punch him. He gets his condescending calm voice and says he really enjoyed watching all the love between them this season. Kyle’s reaction is the reason I will always love her no matter how bitchy she gets:
There’s that pillow again. She must be preggers. Kim and Kyle hug. Kim says “I love you” but Kyle is still pissed at Bobble. Oh lord. There’s a lost footage special? LET ME GO GODDAMIT!
Now the Medium dinner party! HOLLER! Clips of Medium acting like an idiot and smoking her electronic cigarrette, Camille calling Faye morally corrupt, and Medium telling Kyle her marriage sucks. Love it.
Did you predict that Patricia Arquette would be calling you sobbing “WHYYYYYY?!?!” Didn’t think so, ya fakey bakey split ended hack.
What was Cam thinking that night? She was uncomfortable. She wanted her friends by her side. Kyle brought Faye as back up and doesn’t apologize for it. Does Kyle feel responsible for starting it by asking for a reading? No. She was curious. Why would Cam serve an angry alchie so many drinks? It wasn’t her plaaaaan! She’s uncoooomfortaaablllleeeeee! Kyle didn’t feel ambushed but she felt set up. Like…set up for an ambush? You’re not Kim. Speak!
Wasn’t Cam a hypocrite about Faye when she’s a soft core star? No, it only sounds hypocritical the way Bobble phrased it. So he phrases it differently. Are sluts different than hookers? Go. She says that Faye gave her shade right in the beginning and she doesn’t like fake people. LOL! Cam continues that it was in fact morally corrupt to profit by doing Playboy after her bff got murdered. Totally agree, but you’re still a hypocrite. And an asshole. Kyle is on the defensive and says that what Faye did was better than porno. HA. Why, that was offensive, Kyle! Kyle’s like DUH.
Why did Faye show everyone nude pics of Cam in the limo? Cuz YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE. Kyle says that it wasn’t Faye who did that, it was her! HA! She had the pics on her bberry. Cam gets all self righteous and asks what that says about Kyle. I don’t know. That she hates your stupid ass? And when did your eyes stop working?
Kyle says they weren’t exactly bffs so it’s not like she was being fake. And she didn’t have the pics saved, they were still in her email inbox. Cam squints and says “nice cover up.” I’m sorry, would it have been more acceptable if she’d blamed Frasier? It’s called honesty, you twit. TRY IT. They argue some more, and thankfully Lisa cuts in and gets back to the point. Why would Cam do Playboy and then try to hide it? Why the stigma? These women do nude shoots and then act like they’ve been attacked when someone brings it up. Good point. Cam says that it was a set up, and Kyle calls her paranoid. Cam talks over her and says “here we go again. I’m delusional right?” She didn’t say that, you delusionasshole. They end up arguing more and then just staring at each other. Time for more Medium is a horrible person clips! She’s even grosser than I remembered. Watching her all over again makes me wanna send Patricia Arquette another box of dog poo.
Kyle thinks that watching Medium talk about their kids missing and blah was despicable. Did Medium warn Cam about Frasier? Cam thinks the read she was getting on Kyle was about her. And eighty percent of the husbands in Beverly Hills. Camille brings up NY again and Kyle just deadpans “you really wanna talk about NY again?” HA. Cam says she is optimistic about her relationship with Kyle and she’s a great girl! Kyle feels the same! HUH? You guys focus. You hate each other and want to hit each other. Just fucking do it. This is longer than Madame Butterfly, and do you think people would sit through that shit if there wasn’t a body bag at the end? NO. They would not.
So ladies? Any regrets? Lisa: No. Taylor: regrets her comment about beating up Kim. Kyle: Sister stuff, Camille stuff. Ad: That she didn’t plug The Palms harder. Kim: arguing with Taylor and Kyle. Camille: “WOW.” HAHAHAHAH. A lot of regrets. She’s sorry to Kyle and feels awful. Kyle nods, not buying it, and Cam squints at her, not selling it. Love it.
Really. Mean it. Call me. Mean it. I mean that I mean it. Have I mentioned that I feel?
Lisa thanks everyone and gives them love in a goodbye toast. Hmmmm. Well, that was kind of noneventful, but I might just be desensitized after a couple hours of this. I’ll tell you this much. Camille’s an asshole. I really enjoyed this cast and will def be back for season 2, but if they bring up fucking New York again someone’s getting shanked. I’m lookin at you, Bobblehead.
Thanks so much for being here with me this season. It was my first turn at bat with the househos and I had a great time reading your insanely bitchy comments. LoLo will be here in a couple of weeks to take over the New York girls, and bBitz will be here for Orange County! I am back on American Idol starting with the performance rounds and come back to Housewives for the upcoming Miami season. You know that one’s gonna be amazing! LOVE TO YOU GUYS!! xoxoxo