Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion: We learned that we should all be reading books and going outside and enjoying sunshine. Did any of us learn our lesson? Nope. Here we are. Welcome back for the third and final (fingers crossed) episode of the season. I’m going to make this short and sweet because if I don’t the police will be called again over the sounds I make as I sob and bang my head into the desk.
Plus, I’m getting too obsessed with these hags and it’s affecting my life. I dreamt last night that Kyle did the splits in my kitchen and got stuck to the floor, so I couldn’t do the dishes and got cockroaches. In other words, JUST FUCKING STOP ALREADY, HOUSEWIVES!
When we left off last time, Failor Armstrong was hinting with a creepy smile on her face that Russel’s death was a MUUUURDER. At least it would make her feel better! Otherwise, he died because he was miserable, which is sadder. Does this bitch watch herself on TV? Does she hear the things that come out of her mouth? Bobble wants to talk more about this murder, but Fail can’t, because that would interfere with the non investigation that the non police are non working on for the non case. Non. Are we still talking abuse? Because if I didn’t have the sound on, I would think Bobble just asked Fail about her favorite episode of Roseanne.
Jackie meeting Fred
Bobblehead Andy gets a gossip boner over the murder possibilities. Unfortunately, Jessica Fletcher is too classy to call his stupid wonky eyed ass back, so he’s left to do the Matlocking himself. Hard hitting investigative journalism! Go! No? Well, thanks for the baseless allegations anyway. Filling three hours is hard.
Instead, he asks her for more fun abuse stories. Anything involving Disneyland? Would love to hear about abuse involving the Teacups. Fail goes though the Enlieclopedia in her head. Russ had really bad dentures, so that was scary. Also, he put nanny cams in all the rooms of their house and even in Fail’s car! Well she’s changed her name like ten times. There’s abuse and there’s wanting to know who the fuck you married. It’s a hard knock thinking you’re gonna get free Fords to drive your whole life only to find out you married a Joker faced psycho without a bike to her name. He also made her take a lie detector test! Probably because people kept lying about sleeping with her. Like Fernanda from OC. She says they hooked up, and Fail denied it on WWHL. Gretchen made her clarify that she was calling Fernie a liar, and Fail smiled that hideous smile and reiterated. Come on you guys, only sociopaths can beat lie detectors.
There was this one time that Fail was visiting her soon to be married friends to discuss wedding plans. Russell was hiding in the bushes, spying on them. When the couple offered to rescue Fail from her horrible marriage, Russ jumped out of the bushes, beat the husband to a pulp, then started “drownding” Fail in their pool. The poor husband had to get a whole new mouth of teeth and plastic surgery, Russ beat him so bad! He has no name and didn’t sue because names are passé and people in BH don’t sue over silly things like becoming toothless and deformed. They only bring in lawyers if someone’s friend with a magazine editor or if an ex stripper was mean to them at a tea party.
She has no tears, of course, but she doesn’t need them. She’s had Paul put a hinge under her chin implant that she can pulsate with a button in her palm. A reader asks why she stayed with this supposedly horrid abuser until she was kicked off the shooting schedule, and she, clearly pissed, says that she left when Russ broke her eye. That just happened to coincide with getting kicked out of all the scenes at a time there weren’t cameras following her.
And does she regret calling Camille’s claims exaggerations of her stories? Well, yes. Russ was mad that Cam said he broke Fail’s jaw when all he did was knock it out of its socket. Russ was very proud of his accomplishments and just wanted to make sure they were tagged right in case anyone that looked up to him could find the truth in Google.
Recently, Fail has changed that jaw story too because she’s been called a liar about it. Apparently, you can’t just pop your own jaw back in place over a toilet (or massage it back into place while lying in bed, depending on which version she’s on), and mean haters have even suggested that it’s not possible to have a broken eye without bruising. She was out partying and being photographed every day since the day she accused Russ of giving her that shiner. You know, the pics she was paid over a hundred grand for by ET? Turns out that wasn’t from Russ after all. He broke her eye, she partied for thirteen days, then she had Lasik and eye bone surgery, and THEN she got the bruise. Does this sound like utter bullshit? Then you, my friend, are ABUSIVE. I don’t want to be abusive, so I will believe her. I’ve always called her a Mister Potato head, and she’s become one. Just popping off body parts and popping them back in. Amazing shit.
So what if her stories change with every incoming accusatory tweet? It doesn’t mean they’re lies. It just means she’s making amendments. This is America! Show some patriotism! At least Camille’s buying it.
Brandi is called out for saying Fail’s stories don’t make sense. She clarifies that is only because she feels like her stories don’t make sense. HAHA. The whole thing is creepy. Camille agrees, and this woman saw Frasier naked on a regular basis. Brandi tries to apologize for her “it’s been a hot minute” comment, but Fail gets all defensive and says B started it. Woman, you’re five minutes away from menopause. Grow the fuck up. Oh and also, no she didn’t start it. You brought up her slashing tires first. Like most of your lies, IT’S ON TAPE. At lest she can still smile genuinely and good naturedly.
The Gonzo Hook Nose: all the rage with the fortysomething set
Are you reading this and feeling like I’m the most hateful asshole you’ve ever come across? First, nice to meet you! Second, read the Fail Timeline posted at StoopidHousewives and get back to me. Feeling dirty yet? Then let’s spend some time with the most pathetic cast member in Housewives history! To commemorate the occasion, she’s wearing hideous shoes with fake diamonds that spell out Fuck You. Keep it classy, Dana.
How many thank you notes has Danielle Staub sent this idiot?
Montage of Dana being a shallow dolt. She laughs through the embarrassing montage of stupid. Clip of Camille talking about how sad it is when rich people brag about their money. Then Bobble does his job and shows clips of Cam doing the same thing last year. KIDDING! He makes fun of Dana more. Lisa agrees that D is kinda weird, and Dana gets bitchy and says that Lisa is the weirdo for carrying around a fully clothed dog. Lisa reminds her that Giggy is clothed to cover up his disease. Insensitive heifer! Lisa just can not be brought down today. Deal with it.
How did a supposed party planner throw the lamest party of the season? Well, that was Brandi’s fault. She was mean about Twitch going to the bathroom all night and Kyle finally snapped. Those shots of Kyle being a total c word to Brandi behind her back and to her face prior to that were all just mean editing. HA. Those editors did Brandi no favors. She came off as classless squealy white trash, and she’s still the hero of the season compared to you hags.
Brandi stops her by firmly saying “PAM.” “Yes?” “Watch the show.” HAHAHAHAHAH!! I love that Dana has just accepted that her name is now Pam. I would feel sorry for her if she wasn’t so proud of her stupidity. Bobble asks her more about being a pathetic kiss ass, then she starts semi-crying as she explains that she’s that way because she used to be poor. Sigh. If that were a valid excuse for anything, there would be no one in jail. Lisa sighs about how at least D’s personality is starting to make sense. HAHAH! Dana ends by saying that yes, she is a kiss ass, but it’s her honest personality. Um….you tell em, Dana. BYEEEEEEE
The husbands are trotted out to lighten the mood. Mauri is teased for being the hottest husband. Well, of Housewives. Not in real life. What a sad world that would be. He mouth breathes through the montage of him taking off his shirt at every chance he gets. There’s even an ass shot. I am so grossed out by him this year that I’m NOT POSTING IT. Now that’s a stand. At the end of the clips, he says he will forgive Twitch when Kyle allows him to.
Ken makes everyone cover their mouths while he silently rips one, then giggles and adds nothing but a really terrible wig to the hour.
Paul is asked about the consultation he gave Failor outside of the tea party, and he says that if a plumber came upon a toilet full of shit, it would be his duty to try and fix it. Doctor code! Fail runs over to him and tries to get all cutesy, asking for another free consultation on her decomposing puppet face. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone attempt to walk the fine line between trauma victim and comedian before, so I’m glad the show is bringing something new.
Private interview with Twitch! She’s just escaped from rehab and enters the room slurring and dead eyed. Atta girl! So why was she in rehab? “I’m…I….I’m an alcoholic. I’m an alcoholic. I…dr…drink. Drank. I drank.” You know he was gonna ask you that, right? Get it together. You’re playing sober!
She went to rehab because her kids made her, and she hates Brandi for making them embarrassed of her. Yeah, refusing to take responsibility for your actions is kind of a no no in recovery. Where is this “center”? She’s probably just sleeping on that Orthodontist’s couch.
Bobble stirs the pot and tells her Brandi claimed that calling Twitch a meth head helped her in the long run. HA. Twitch says that being called a drug addict on TV isn’t usually helpful. She admits hiding Brandi’s crutches were wrong, but her slight was funny. Brandi’s accusation ruined her relationships with her family. Not her addictions, but Brandi. Oh man. I like Twitch, and I get addiction, so I feel bad. For her family. Addicts are liars and narcissists. And we’re fine with it.
She tells Bobble that the day she looked in the mirror and didn’t see Sandra Bullock, she knew the meds weren’t working any more and needed help. This is her third time in rehab, and it will work because Sophy’s couch is comfortable and he has one of those DVRs that can record four shows at a time. You gotta love Bobble patting himself on the back for helping Twitch recover when she’s sitting in front of him slurring and obviously on something.
If I done winanosgar fer Terminador, I’m firing ma agin.
Her best line is “At least I’m trying!” And if a glass of wine helps you try, then you go girl. She said that she had to stop watching the show after she saw herself hump a plane seat. Aw. A date’s a date, Twitch. Lighten up. She tries to explain that she is still on multiple meds because the rehab center makes her take them. Um…what? That’s such bullshit. I see how this is gonna end. She’s gonna wake up one day with braces and a five thousand dollar bill in purse and not know what the hell happened. Fake ass doctors need to be stopped.
Bobble wants to talk more about her crazy ass. Has she seen the SUR episode? No. Wanna see embarrassing clips? Come on! It’ll be an excuse to drink later! Bobble is one evil wonky eyed queen. Just wish her well, give her a bottle of water, and let the woman sleep it off for chrissakes. Loooong, uncomfortable pause. Twitch looks defeated and mutterslurs that he can press play. Gross.
Montage of Twitch crawling around on the bathroom floor wasted out of her mind and giving birth to a discount shoe. She looks sad watching this, and kinda laughs at herself. HAHAH. Poor fucking Twitch. Just let her be! She says she feels bad for the woman on the video and claims again that it wasn’t her. Oh honey. She talks about how her kids stopped speaking to her until she got help, but now they’re nice again. Not feeling like jumping off a bridge yet? Then let’s talk about Kyle! Here she is!! We’re about to find out who’s that discount shoe’s daddy.
Kyle says that this woman here is the real Twitch. Only kinda fucked up, not “youstolemahouse” fucked up. She doesn’t regret the limo fight at all because it helped in the long run. Twitch says Kyle just can’t handle herself in limos. LOL. It’s a family trait. Twitch looks like she wants to crawl up in a box of Franzia, but Bobble keeps pressing about the limo fight. How does all of this affect Kyle? She’s a victim, of course! Even though she signed up her sister knowing she was a dunk and would be filmed drunk. Game night was Twitch’s fault too because she stressed Kyle out.
Hawaii? More slurry excuses about “Un valid drivers license”. UGH. She was drunk! HOW MANY TIMES DOES SHE HAVE TO SAY IT? She says algoholig ten more times to appease Bobble, but he won’t stop. It’s bad enough that I have to hear these hags squawk more about Hawaii. I am REFUSING to write any more about it.
Kyle launches into a defensive monologue about how much Twitch has put her through. Unless it’s a plate glass window, I don’t care. Did Twitch think she was really pregnant? Hey, she got a free shoe out of it so STOP JUDGING.
This segment keeps going. Twitch is a drunk and Kyle’s a bitch, and both of them are having a hard time changing. Looking at broken down Twitch is just fucking killing me. She slurs how badly she wants sobriety. Just keep defining it however you want and you’ll be there in no time, girl! THE EEEEEEND!!
That has to be one of the craziest seasons I’ve sat through of any show, and if Lost had Twitch behind that hatch door, the ending might not have sucked so bad. That said, I feel like an angry, vitriolic mess now. Thankfully, one of the things I don’t strive for in life is any semblance of sobriety. So if you’ll excuse me, I’m googling Crystal’s number.
Thanks so much for being with me this season! It was fun, disgusting, sad, fun again, then disgusting again, pathetic, then back to fun, then horrible, then sad, then I’m numb and no longer know what to say. Just finished VIDEO: Kim Richards RHOBH Reunion Interview Lost Footage, so check it out and share it if you like it!
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