Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, wait. We don’t get any previouslies. Instead, we get a COMING TONIGHT! MORE ASSHOLISHNESS! From the looks of it, it’s gonna get uglier. And I don’t just mean Taylor. Did she skip out on break and get more damn surgery? Jesus. She looks even more like Walter Matthau today than she did last week.
Bobblehead Andy starts with Brandi, who looks like she’s ready to shiv someone already. Which sucks more, broken bones or lunch with Kyle? Broken bones are easy. At least that shit heals. Kyle just gets worse and worse. Like a fungus that starts at your toes and then spreads to your nuts and no doctor can diagnose what it so you just walk around with really pained nuts. Um…happened to a friend. Brandi answers that this group of women is the meanest in town. She says nothing of her balls.
Montage of Brandi being skanky and awesome and anorexic. In case you’ve forgotten what a horrible, horrible person she is, here’s the reminder.
Bobble wants to talk about what awful childhood experiences led Brandi to call herself a slut. Good to see that Bobble is still terrible at his job. I hate change. Brandi says she was just kidding and Camille says that B is hilarious. So if she’s not really a slut, why was she in such a slutty Hawaii bikini when there were husbands around? PUHLEEEEEEEEZE! Like we’d really believe Brandi would actually try and bone any of those homely hairy men? She was married to Cibrian, for Christ’s sake. No one moves into a Ford after driving a Mercedes, no matter how many VDs the Benz gave you. She thinks the question is dumb too, and besides, there were only two married men there. Well, and Paul, but “that’s a question mark.” LOL! Ad gets pissed at the obvious joke. She’s very proud of her miserable marriage, Brandi. Let her be.
Bobble asks her more about why she has her ass hanging out. Why exploit your body if you can exploit your dead husband? Please put on some clothes and make up some abuse stories. B handles his stupid questions very well. Suffering fools is a talent that doesn’t pay enough. I know from experience.
Viewer question: Kyle, why are you such a snatch? Oh, she didn’t mean it! She’s really a good person! She was mean on game night, but it was because Brandi called Twitch a druggie! Um, to be clear, you were a bitch way before that happened, but it’s good to see you’re better at rewriting history than you are at writing books.
Brandi says that she was against a wall and she wasn’t wrong when she called Twitch an addict. Kyle argues that the brand of addict was wrong. And Ad has nude shoes, instead of pink. Ugh. A tragic mess is a tragic mess, no matter how high the heels (or ICONS) are.
Brandi made up with Kyle kinda, but neither sister ever admitted any fault. Lisa pipes up and says that she apologized for being mean to Brandi after seeing what a bitch Kyle was to her on TV. Then she cashed her fifty million dollar check online for the fascinating leak of the “Adrienne Maloof has had Plastic Surgery” story and they went to a nice dinner.
Brandi admits she lost her cool on game night, but the Witchards sisters are bullies. Failor jumps in and reminds Brandi that she threatened to murder them on national TV. LOL. Leave it to Failor to stand up for the victims of fake abuse. Brandi was all gimpy in a chair and the sisters rushed her. Still, though, murder is wrong. And Twitch has a diseeeeease! Oh Lord. Chicken skin neck is not a disease. She’s a lush, ok? Leprosy is a disease. Don’t disrespect people with leprosy, FAIL! Brandi nods and says “Ok Failor” and just looks at her like the moron that she is. Lisa says it was just a figure of speech, and Bobble doesn’t like that. You mean she really didn’t mean to murder her? These behind the scenes stories are really enlightening.
Kyle brushes off the question about hiding the crutches, because it was Twitch who did that. But…you knew and you left Brandi to gimp around helplessly? She shushes Brandi and tells her to let it go. HAHAH! Ok Kyle. Let’s change the subject to the unforgivable crime of a child peeing on a bush. Montage of fighting and classlessness. Camille and Adrienne swore the least this season. Shocker. They were also by far the least interesting. Coincidence? Fuck no it isn’t.
Camille’s fave curse word is “poopy stink.” Why are we being subjected this? Brandi, please threaten to kill someone. Time to confront Lisa about letting Giggy drink from Ad’s five trillion dollar glass. The real crime is Ad’s tacky ass glasses. Who pays that much for stemware? I’d be more afraid drinking from something that could have touched Ad’s lips. The dog was probably trying to heal the glass. Like an infected wound.
Lisa says Ken did it, not her, and she would let Gig do it at home out of her glasses. Ad says that she’ll take Crackpot over to Lisa’s house to drink out of a glass and see how she likes it. Lisa welcomes Crackpot to drink out of her glasses. Ad says “Yeah riiiiight.” Lisa, over this hag, just rolls her eyes. Go Lisa. I hope the cast stays the same next year, just to watch Lisa wipe the floor with Ad and her plastic extensions.
Bobble asks Brandi another question about being a slut. Brandi says that it’s only slutty dressing when your labia is showing. The c word couch is aghast at the word. Brandi wishes they would get over themselves. I wish that entire couch would just get swallowed into the Earth so global cooling could begin.
Moving on to how Lisa hated the bs con artist Failor until she cried abuse. Let’s watch Fail try and turn everyone against Lisa again and act like a horse faced psycho. I forgot how mad Kyle was that Lisa and Failor made up. Fail says that she just hated Lisa because she doesn’t understand British people and she’s too insecure to take Lisa’s jokes. The ladies all feel that the make up was too quick to be believed. You’re supposed to make stupid fights last for seasons. Failor says that she was offended by Giggy’s twitter feed. Yes. We have sunk to that level. Brandi calls bullshit and Fail snaps “I wasn’t talking to you.” Bobble, not to be thrown off his path of being horrible at his job, interrupts the fight to ask Lisa about Fail saying everyone talks behind Lisa’s back. Lisa remembers, and reports that Brandi said the same thing.
Brandi clarifies that she only said that about one person. Ad wants her to name names, so Brandi says “uuuuuh….you.” Ad gets that look she probably got on her fake face when her first kid spoke his first word.
This little brat just said “FUCK YOU MONSTER” to me. DON’T YOU KNOW WHO I AAAAM!!??!
Ad asks what she said, and Brandi says that she told Lisa that Ad’s employees don’t like her. Ad is offended that she would say that to Lisa. Not offended that her employees are talking shit about a friend, mind you, but that Brandi said something about it. Your asshole chef hangs out with Cedric and they talk shit about Lisa and Brandi hears about it. What’s the problem? Just blame your help and move on. But no. Ad says that Lisa was only reaching out to Brandi for one reason: to get dirt on Ad.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! What a disgusting troll. These women gang up on Lisa for being a bitch and then say she’s a bitch when she makes an effort to be nice to someone. Brandi squeals that it’s a lie and Lisa has never said anything bad about any of these women. Ad tries to sidetrack the discussion and accuse B of being heartless for not coming to her Halloween party. No masks required and Ad still wins the costume prize every year. Where’s the fun in that? Lisa says that she can say what she wants to to people’s faces and doesn’t need backup. Man, the c word couch is striking out at every turn.
Kyle, at least wait til break to let your armpits snack on your hideous dress.
Does Camille feel like Failor threw her under the bus at the Pepto Tea Party from Hell? Yup. Fail kept trying to get her to talk shit about Lisa, and she never ever said she had Fail’s back against Lisa. “EVER. Never. Never.” I really like Shlemiel when she’s fighting evil instead of bathing in it. Fail smiles and says that Cam called her and said something about the seance. Cam cuts her off and calls her a liar. Fail just makes that cartoon character that just got an anvil dropped on their head face and lets it slide. She didn’t write any bullshit monologues for this scenario, apparently.
Kyle says that she didn’t jump into that fight because she doesn’t like drama. You don’t like being put in your place. You’re fine with drama when you’re starting it behind people’s backs and then hiding behind the couch with a bowl of popcorn watching it.
Is Lisa just being a martyr? Is she really a super secret villain? Brandi says that she’s had dinner with Lisa off camera and tried talking shit about Failor to her, and Lisa shot her down and had Fail’s back. Won’t make that mistake again. So what’s the problem with Fail? Well, Brandi saw Russell and he told her that he had Fail send the threatening email to Camille and he felt terrible. HA! Holy shit. If she wasn’t handed a full time contract after this reunion, Bobble should be fired. Well, he should be fired anyway, but you hear me. Fail smiles ghoulishly, because Brandi’s only witness turned himself into an early Christmas ornament.
Fail says that Russ saw Brandi the day after he sent her the “Happy Birthday, Ya Dumb Coont” text. Ummm….oh yeah this is about you being a victim. Fail says she texted her orthodontist when it happened and Lisa saw the text that she sent herself over Google Voice so it’s a proven fact! Brandi’s like ummmmmm….I just said I saw Russell. Fail continues that Russ was a master of manipulation and she’s got fifty people suing her because of his lies. Man. She’s hilarious. If he was a master at manipulation, he wouldn’t have been caught fifty times, and you were his partner, bitch! Your job was to charm these fools into signing documents in the first place! Oh, I forgot. Russell made you do it. I hope this lying sack of poopy stink is slaughtered in court.
Fail says Lisa stuck up for her because “she knows more than you, honey.” Ooooh burn, Fail. She continues “Eddie Cibrian said you slashed his tires, is that true?” Without missing a beat, Brandi nods “YEEEAH!” HAHAHAH!! Another point FAILED. But the deflection trick worked, because now Bobble is back on Brandi. Hopefully for her, Fail will get a queeny sell out judge with the attention span of a hummingbird, cuz accusing people of irrelevant stuff to defect from your obvious, stupid lies generally doesn’t hold up in the justice system.
Yes, Brandi slashed his tires, but he warned him before he got on the motorcycle so he wouldn’t crash. Fail says “I rest my case.” No, bitch, your fifty cases won’t rest for a looooong time. Just do your best to not get so fucking plastered one of these days that you don’t forget the PIN to your offshore accounts. Brandi, confused by Failor’s utter stupidity, asks “Huh? What was your case?” Cam snarls, “yeah, what was your case?” Before Fail can come up with anything, Brandi asks “When does your book come out? How long has it been?” and looks at her wrist. BRANDI FOR THE WIIIIIIIIN!! I am actually cheering out loud. “It’s been a hot minute.” BWAHAHAHAH!!
Fail gets super pissed and starts wagging her finger around and unhinging her jaw. She had an intern write that book so fast because three women a day die of domestic violence and without her book, like, a hundred women would be dead! Wow. She really just said that. Kyle climbs onto her high horse face and says “someone died here.” Brandi argues that’s why the man should be left to rest in peace. Kyle wags her jowls at her and says not to judge. “Oh fuck off.” I have just fallen in love with an anorexic drunk who’s had Cibrian’s scabby disease ridden penis inside of her on multiple occasions. You just never know what a full moon will bring. And I love how it was ok to suggest Fail lied about abuse when Russ was alive, but not when he’s dead. Kyle has a very interesting rule system.
Kyle uses up her “angry Spice” quip and Brandi asks “what are you?” It seems like a lame comeback until Kyle gestures “nothing”, and Brandi snaps “Exactly.” Kyle tries lecturing to her about Russ being dead, and Brandi reiterates that Fail didn’t let the body chill before she tried making money off it. Kyle accuses her of being mean on her blog or something, which is hilarious to me. The very important deep meaningful discussion of a man’s death can be so quickly turned around to suit Kyle’s need for attention.
She blabbers about how niiiice she’s been to Brandi. What does this have to do with Russell making like a wind sock? Kyle even invited B to her Xmas party! “Why would I want to go to your holiday party?” LOL. Right after sending Kyle a sickly sweet text declining the invitation, she sent a text that Kyle is a cunt. It was meant for someone else but went to Kyle instead. HAHAHAH!!!!!! I know I am typing HAHA into this way too much, but I can’t help it. Priceless. I would get terrible ratings on Amazon, too. I admit it. Brandi admits the text mistake proudly, which makes me love her even more.
Kyle goes back to Russell killing himself, which somehow has to do with her being called a cunt. ?? Then she brings up Eddie Cibrian cheating on B and leaving her for LeAnne. She doesn’t bring it up to be a cunt again, mind you, she brings it up because it shows that Brandi should learn to be sensitive. Like you were sensitive when Brandi just got dumped and you publicly mocked her at your own charity event and everywhere else you saw her? You cow. Lisa jumps in and says that Brandi only slashed Eddie’s tires because she paid for the bike and he ran off with another woman. Pretty reasonable reaction. The c word couch just glares at her furiously, still unable to win one point. I am loving this.
You’re failing almost as badly as the Palms. And the Kings. And your shoe line. And…meh I’m sick of typing.
Bobble brings up the ending of season one, where Kyle called her sister a pathetic lush on national TV. Kyle starts doing the “You need to cry now, so buck up and do it” breathing. After a montage of two sisters in desperate need of parenting, Bobble asks if Twitch checked into rehab because she saw herself acting like a looney toon on the show. Yes, Bobble. Bravo is curing alcoholism and spousal abuse. Well done.
Kyle answers that Twitch didn’t even watch most of the show, and the reason she brought her obviously troubled sister in front of the cameras was because it would “help her.” Nothing cures insecurity and substance abuse like being mocked by the entire country. Bobble asks if calling Twitch a lush on TV was to help her seek help. Yes it was, of course. Kyle’s a saint. Brandi’s still the devil though. I hope Kyle never stops being a hypocrite. I really don’t want to watch her pick dresses all season next year. Happy well adjusted people don’t belong on TV.
Is Kyle an enabler? No, it’s just the editing! She just doesn’t wanna call Twitch out on TV for being a lush because that would be rude. One time’s ok, twice is just repetitive. Now, she’ll just sniff Twitch’s drinks on camera and join her in the endless trips to the bathroom. No reason to pass up good coke. Lisa pipes up that Twitch was hardly even around for the season and they couldn’t expose something they didn’t know was the truth. Kyle says it wasn’t her place. This time.
So Twitch was an alchie and no one said anything. Fail was being “abused”, and no one said anything. Is this just shitty friendship? No, silly! It’s THE EDITING. Oh, Kyle. You have to be a terrible person enough of the time that the editors have the footage. Brandi says maybe she helped Twitch by calling her out on national TV, too. LOL. Kyle’s like umno, you haven’t embarrassed Twitch enough to take credit for her rock bottomed out ass.
Bobble moves on and says that last year everyone hated Shlemiel and now they love her. She doesn’t, shockingly, credit the editing. They only get blame, never thanks. She thanks Twitter for being nicer to her. HA. Rumor has it that Camille is fired. Thanking Twitter now? She’s a great person! Get her off of TV before our franchise is ruiiiiiiined!! Camille keeps talking to solidify her new position as most boring housewife of the year. Let’s move on to Frasier. He won’t speak to her, because her crime of impregnating a stewardess while married is unforgivable. Oh…wait.
Frasier, one of the most arrogant assholes on the planet, has told the press that Housewives was his parting gift to Shlemiel. No, fifty million bucks was the parting gift. Shlem was on the show so you could garner public sympathy when you dumped that asshole. And it worked. Well done, Frasier! Camille has better ratings than Frasier’s new show, so she won. Is Camille acting like a nice person this year to avoid mean tweets? No! This season is the real her and last year was Frasier’s fault. LOL. Bobble presses her, so she admits that she’s less slutty with people and last year humbled her. Lisa compliments Cam for changing, and Kyle gives them a dirty look. Lisa was nice to someone again. The horror!
Cam admits to avoiding drama and says that when fights arose she hid in the bathroom and cleaned Twitch’s coke residue off the sinks to be productive. Fail talks about her lips and says that she’s gained weight. In ounces. Fillers only weigh so much. Let’s talk about Fail’s book!! She took notes in therapy and thought she could teach girls with low self esteem that changing your name a lot, lying compulsively, and conning people out of money wasn’t as scary as they might think. AW! She’s a real giver, that one.
She claims that the “abuse” began when she was pregnant, and she’d get abused every six months or so, give or take.
Why didn’t she report it? Because Russ was alive. Also she’d have been broke. Also, she was scared of sharing custody with a violent man. LOL. Um, hon, you left that kid alone with Russ on maaaaaany many many occasions. Including the times when you were on TV calling her father a violent monster. Kyle jumps in and says that also, if Russ went to jail, he wouldn’t make enough money to pay alimony and child support. Totally reasonable answer. Subject your child to a psycho because you don’t wanna get a job. All makes sense now, Kyle. Thanks for your input. If there had been the kind of abuse Fail has claimed there was, she would have called the police to get evidence on his ass when she tried to take everything. The fact that her hundred and fifty thousand dollar (thanks, ET!) black eye photo was taken by “a friend” instead of the police says a lot. She has all the evidence she needs for the court of public opinion. Way easier to con than a court of law. NOT. BUYING. IT.
When did Fail start telling the ladies she was in an abusive relationship? Way back in season one when Russ didn’t let Fail stay at parties wasted all night. There was a briefcase in Russell’s room when she found him dead containing “all sorts of stuff I didn’t know about.” Multiple bank accounts, one offshore, nuclear secrets, the recipe for mustard gas, a picture of Saddam and a pack of gum.
Bobble asks about the business associate’s suicide a couple of days after Russ’. Fail says that there are “people” who have hinted that something shady is going on and want to meet with her, and it would make her feel way better to know that Russell didn’t kill himself because she slandered him all over town and then left when she realized the money’d dried up. So there’s a possibility that this was a …dundunduuuuun….MURDER?!?! Sly plastic frightening smile. Di. Sgus.Ting. Just when you thought this trash couldn’t sink any lower. I guess we’ll have to wait for the second book to find out what lie this ho’s gonna spin next. At this rate she’ll have a trilogy.
The Hunger Games
Icky. Icky. Icky. Don’t worry. Next week she’ll talk about her “abuse” a lot more. Something about almost being drowned. Plus, we get to see Kyle sob while Twitch sits next to her wishing she was an only child.
There are no good excuses to be a drunk, but there are good reasons.
See you next time! There is no Quick n’ Dirty video recap for the reunions, but I did one for the Superbowl. Check it out! xo
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