Hello everyone! bBitz here, filling in for Flipit for this episode. I couldn’t be more jealous of that bastard since I got the poor ass DC girls and he’s getting the richest bitchez this series has ever seen! Which is why he’s taking me out to a fabulous dinner in Beverly Hills to thank me. We’re eating Tic-Tacs and paper monies! The Salami’s told me so! So without further adieu, let’s dive into the world of plastic AND fantastic! The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills!
At first I thought they were holding drinks and now I just realized they’re holding GIANT DIAMONDS. I’ll bet you one giant diamond that Kim’s is CZ.
Speaking of, sis Kyle is up first and she’s on the phone to Kimbo. It’s Easter and it’s an important Holiday in their family…
So she’s gonna dress up like an Easter egg apparently. Even the Atlanta bitches are having a laugh.
Kyle says that Kimbo and her made up because they’re sisters and they always fight. I wonder how many blood baths will occur this season that’ll be chalked up to “but it’s OK we’re sisters!” It’s gonna end up looking like a scene from “Death Becomes Her”.
“It’s cool! We’re just sisters who like to fight!”
Kyle’s hubby makes fun of her for bringing so many shoes on vacation. I understand, she needs extra pairs in case Kimbo’s blood gets all over them. Meanwhile…
I can’t imagine what her kid’s pampers are gonna look like after that triple-shot macchiato.
Next up, Adrienne and her hubby, Aloof. They’re eating in a cafe (btw it’s down the street from where I live and I could take a fucking bath in their pastry cream it’s so good – now try to get that image out of your head and go get some of that yumminess!) and they’re “bickering”. Mostly because Aloof orders what she doesn’t like and…
He takes so friggin’ long to order this waitress’ spine degenerates into an 80-year-old’s posture.
Speaking of curving, Adrienne says she’s doing a photo shoot for an Aussie magazine named “Curve” in Las Vegas. Aloof says that they should go together and enjoy Vegas and get a group massage together.
I’m starting a charity fund right now for whatever poor bastard of a masseuse has to touch this guy’s naked body.
Adrienne’s not thrilled about the idea. I’m pretty sure it’s because she wanted to nail some hot (possibly blind) Vegas guys instead of her hubby. Never-the-less, they’re going together!
“Wonder Twin Powers Activate! Form of… PLASTIC!”
Next up, my current fav, Lisa! (I think it’s because she reminds me of Lynda.) She’s shopping in Madame Chocolat (ALSO one of my favorite places – I SO should be a BH Housewife! Maybe I could just borrow someone else’s mansion and do it Salami-style?) and is going to get a gift for a friend. And what did she get?!
CHOCOLATE SHOES!!! Love it! Lisa’s so…
“Shoes! Oh my God you guys! SHOES! These shoes rock!”
Lisa name-drops that she met Louis Vuitton the night before and he wants a picture with the chocolate shoes. If there’s a God, later in this episode there’ll be a mix up where Kyle tries these shoes on and Lisa unknowingly eats them afterwards.
Lisa also asks the chocolate lady to make something for the children at the Palm Springs dinner (she’s joining Kyle and Kim). The lady’s gonna make a huge chocolate bunny for the kids. Awwww. It’s only fair to give the kids chocolate to enjoy. Lisa’s gonna end up devouring them all by the end of the night so they’ll be like a little choco-filled morsels.
Over at Kim’s house, her and her little ones are hopping in the car to head out to Palm Springs. Whether it’s to go on vacation or avoid the landlord looking for rent is anyone’s guess. Either way the trip’s starting out as a blast. The kid’s are ignoring Kim…
While she’s trying to show them how she introduces herself to new friends. The Kings game was fun wasn’t it?
She’s desperately trying to chat with the kids while they blow her off. At one point she sees a train and says “Remember when you kids would get so excited to see a train?!” I was almost sure one of them was going to mumble, “It was because we figured our next father was coming into town.”
Kim tries to make a train analogy about their family and it… well… it turns into a train wreck. Kim pleads with her kids to be her friend and her daughter just answers, “I’d rather be your daughter.” And that folks, sums up the dynamic in this family.
The two families arrive in Palm Desert and Kyle’s a little pissed that Kim’s kids stayed there last weekend but didn’t clean well enough. By which she means they didn’t beat the maid hard enough. stayed there last weekend but didn’t clean well enough. By which she means they didn’t beat the maid hard enough.
Kim’s frustrated with Kyle then because her kids “feel bad”. Kyle also decides that she needs to make dinner (with 2.5 hours to go) for Lisa and Ken. Which Kim says is alot to do because…
“It’s alot because… it’s just…(sound of brain powering down)…alot.” Get used to this face folks.
The two ladies zip off to the store but I have a good feeling they’re all going to be eating a giant chocolate bunny for dinner. Why? Because they spend most of the time obnoxious-bickering over EVERYTHING at the store. Over cheese, BBQ sauce, salZa, butter and chips not being “Mexican enough”.
Next up, most likely to become completely unraveled this season…
Camille! Does anyone else notice the super creepy shoulder roll she keeps doing during her intro? She dances like an 8-year-old hooker.
Camille’s giving Nicole, her house manager, orders to get Kelsey on the phone during the intermission of his show. For those of you keeping a tally, so far we’re at 4 nannies, 1 house manager and 1 crazy-lazy bitch.
Camille’s off to a meeting with a writer because she’s the “creative one” in her and Kelsey’s company. Oh Christ. He’s screwed.
Kevin, the writer, breaks the news to Camille that the show she’s pitching about a nanny and her daughter is “too adult” for Nickelodeon. Apparently Nickelodeon doesn’t think a show about a nanny raising children will work – or that’s the nice way of saying that it’s been done before…
The Original “Real Housewife”.
Camille says that she’s great with making decisions because when someone mentioned Patricia Arquette for “Medium” she yelled out “She’s great!” I bet she’s the type of person that watches “Jeopardy” and screams out the answer a second after the person on TV says it and then turns to everyone else in the room with a look of “I’m so fucking brilliant.” It’s hysterical because as the writer asks her to pass this info on to Kelsey, he’s thinking “Messenger”, we’re thinking “Messenger” and she’s thinking “Creative Development Analyst”.
Right after Kevin leaves, the phone rings and it’s Kelsey!
This is pretty much how it goes.
Up next, Taylor! The housewife that looks like she’s married to that guy with the horn-rimmed glasses from “Heroes”. (When’s that show coming back on? Wah wah waaaah…) She’s shopping at home (some poor lady brought a whole wardrobe to her house) because “money means the convenience of other people doing things for you.” She just sounded AWFUL but the worst part is – she’s right.
Whenever anyone asks… “Why do you get enjoyment out of watching these people’s lives fall apart?!” This is your answer. Right here. $1500 for a piece of black fabric with two “C”s on it.
Taylor just cackles away as she spends all of Russel’s money. I wonder if he’s banging the same chick as Kelsey.
Back in the desert, Kyle’s freaking out about dinner while Ken and Lisa arrive! Although I don’t see a giant chocolate bunny…
You know he’s thinking… “No no – I’m not edible – it’s the bunny you’re suppose to eat! THE BUNNY?! WHERE’S THE @#$%! BUNNY?!? NOOOOO!!!!”
10 seconds in the door and Ken’s already casting for his new wife while her cousin mugs for the camera.
Lisa and Ken start judging the girl’s cooking abilities right away while Kimbo tries to defend her “Kim’s Famous Potatoes”. After watching the amount of margarine she uses I’d say they’re world famous for their ability to colon cleanse.
So by adding Lisa to the mix what we have here is an escalated sense of hostility between the two sisters as one becomes more eager to please Lisa (Kyle) and the other becomes more defensive (Kimbo). The only way to avoid total armageddon is for everyone to just calm down and…
Ok so obviously that’s not true Kyle – but you might wanna take your hand off the fridge while saying that. So while the girls continue to tear each other apart in front of Lisa (AWESOME dinner party! Yeah Easter!) we turn to…
Vegas baby! With Aloof, Adrienne and two other friends that look like “Sopranos” rejects. While having a drink, Adrienne divulges that there’s going to be a “hot, beautiful, male model” on set with her. Aloof gets upset because she never calls him that and he wants to know why they can’t use him.
Because you look like the love child of Ron Jeremy and a gorilla.
Adrienne counters with “but look at those eyes!” Awww… the one thing on your body that can’t age or gain weight. How sweet! Aloof says that although they fight, they’re still romantic and love each other. I hope so. It’d be nice to have one marriage stay together this season.
Speaking of, Camille’s furniture shopping with an interior decorator that flew in from NY. It’s because she’s decorating the apartment in NY that Kelsey will be staying in and her and the staff of nannies will soon be going to. Here’s what I would suggest Camille (per Kelsey of course): furniture with plastic covers, a harness above the bed and secret exits from the bedroom. BTW all these exits should also have 1 glass of water and an assortment of morning-after pills. Just saying.
So Camille and her gay-face designer jaunt around the store and pick out furniture that costs roughly the same amount that it would take to feed a third world country. Her biggest concern is that they’ll have to fit 12 people in a 3 bedroom apartment. Here’s an idea: fire 3 of 4 nannies and ditch the house manager, butler, maid, cook, mail-opener and one of the kids. (I had to give her ONE thing she wouldn’t mind losing.)
Back in the desert, Lisa and Ken arrive for Easter with their $1000 chocolate bunny and everyone rejoices, as Jesus always envisoned it. The Easter spirit has also helped the sisters to mend ways as they both tear apart the bunny and eat it. Lisa joins in too!
EAT IT BITCH!!! THIS IS WHAT REAL MONEY TASTES LIKE! (I love Lisa.)
Back in LA, Taylor has drinks with Linda Thompson, famous for boinking Elvis and Bruce Jenner. Bet you never thought those two guys would have something in common! Taylor has come to Linda to ask about parenting and how she raised her kids living in such extravagance. I’d imagine the kids would be much more upset about being related to Kim Kardashian and when she’s going to murder them than anything else.
Taylor wonders how she could give her kids a look at what real life is like (here’s an idea – don’t buy $1500 tank tops) and Linda suggests…
“Take them to Africa!” in the tone of “Am I right?! Or am I right?! Those people are a hoot with their poorness and flies in their noses. I mean, CAN…YOU…IMAGINE?! AFRICA!”
Up in Vegas, Adrienne’s getting ready for her photo shoot with her male model…
HELLOOOO! Now THERE’S a chocolate bunny! YUMMERS!
Bitch she hasn’t been able to smile for 15 years now! Why don’t you ask her to furrow her brow or shop at Costco while you’re at it.
Aloof comes to visit to fend off the male model. When they meet, the model introduces himself as “Shaw like Shawshank Redemption” and Aloof totally misses his chance to say “That’s so funny because that’s where you’ll end up if you touch my wife.” UGH! Rich people need writers like me to speak their mind for them. Then if Kim hired me I’d be able to just sit there and drool.
Aloof does tell the guy to “behave himself” or ‘there’ll be problems”. And by problems he means he’ll botch Shaw’s future wife’s plastic surgery one day. That’ll show him!
The photo shoot goes well with Adrienne looking all… ummm…
Like she should be mounted and fed a carrot. Get to it Shaw!
We then join Kim and family as they celebrate Whitney’s 20th birthday at a spa. The best is when Kyle walks in and mistakenly almost kisses the girl that works there…
“OMGOMGOMGOMG I almost kissed the help!”
The girls then retire out on the veranda to have brunch and are treated to a beautiful spread of food. So what do they do? ARGUE. Kimbo’s upset because Whitney wants to go to Houston (with father and boyfriend) for the summer and she’s afraid it’s going to be permanent. She asks Kyle to support her in being against the idea but Kyle’s not having it. You know what the problem with making your WHOLE world about your kids is? They become adults and want to have their own lives and you’re left with an empty house and a vagina that’ll never look the same.
Kim tells Kyle that “lately I feel like I haven’t had your back on things” which is hysterical because of course she means the opposite of that. Apparently the tutor on “Escape to Witch Mountain” wasn’t so great. Kyle says she does and Kimbo blames her for getting in between her and her kids when there’s a problem. Which is odd since she JUST asked her to get in the middle of things. Kyle tries to cut Kimbo off before she ruins her own daughter’s birthday but since Kimbo’s crazy levels are on red-alert for the day she doesn’t give up until Kyle has to tell her to piss off in so many words. Oh well… it’s all over with now. Until of course she decides to vent to Kim’s other daughter about it all. AWWWW! Such a supportive family! Well at least it can’t get worse – the spa lady is now there to remedy things…
Well – there’s one way to lose a tip.
Later on, Kyle lightens things up by asking Whitney if she agrees that her mother is only saying “No” because she doesn’t want to be alone. AWESOME! These two make every holiday a blast! What do they do for Christmas? Russian Roulette with bad botox?
Kimbo’s then pissed because she believes Kyle should be behind her no matter HOW wrong she is. Because that’s what sisters do! Doesn’t she know?!?! “Sisters do as sisters should! We’re all together sisters!”
“WITH MY BY MYSELF!”
And that’s it! Hope you all enjoyed it! What did everyone think? Lots of fun, drama and ri-fucking-diculousness! The perfect recipe! The only way things could’ve gotten better is if Lisa smashed Kim’s face in the rabbit! Give it time though! Glad I could enjoy this show for a week – thanks Flipit! Now let me hear what you all think! Come on kids and dish it!