Previously, on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Camille couldn’t think of enough words to take on Kyle by herself, so she brought Frasier’s drunk hack psychic friend Medium to come up with some for her. Unfortunately, Medium was a douche armed only with an electric cigarette and really lame “YOU AH!” burns.
I predict Patricia Arquette will be deleting you from her facebook page in 5…4…3…2….
Tonight opens with happy guitar music. After that disaster, it’s all gonna be ok, you guys! The sun’s come up! The breeze is breezing! Mauricio is wearing a shirt!
That’s a bad sign. A very, very bad sign. Mauricio saunters into the kitchen mouthbreathing as he does and gives his girls a warm good morning. I grin from ear to ear and shout “Mornin’ daddy!”, but I’m pretty much the most excited bitch in this room. He has no effect his kid.
WTF you lookin at? Go suck on a ricola and clear those sinuses. You’re giving me a headache.
Kyle starts to break the news about last night. She probably shouldn’t have opened with “I’ve deleted Medium from our tivo”, cuz he balls up on the floor sobbing before she has the chance to tell him the rest. “But it’s so goooooodddd!!! Remember the one where she heard that song in her head? Remember the one where she went blind? Remember the one where she was a paraplegic for a month or some shit? WAAAHHHHHH!!!!”
Cut other girls talking shit with their respective others. Adrienne talks to Paul, Kim talks to the bend in her arm after their morning makeout session. There was this fake psychic with a vapor cigarette who got shitfaced and started yammering on about a bunch of bs. Kim does an imitation of Medium smoking the douchecig and it’s hilarious. There’s a reason she’s an icon, people.
The women all fought even though no one could really tell you the specifics of what they were fighting about, and then Kim got sent off in her own car like a big ole looza. The end. Adrienne tells Paul that she just kinda sat there cuz she’s used to listening to immature brats that she’s forced to spend time with because of contractual obligations fighting over nothing, and the only way she could have helped would have been to put the bitches in time out. HA.
Kim tells the back of her elbow that she was stressed by all the drama and she’s never gonna hang out with those drama queens again! Especially today at Lisa’s fun fundraiser! Then she starts making out with back of her elbow. On the bright side, you can’t catch herpes from the bend in your arm. At least I haven’t.
Kyle mentions the “he’ll never fulfill you emotionally. Know THAT!” part, and Mari just laughs and inhales without his nose. Thank God. If he had been cheating, we would have seen it in his gorgeous, wealthy man eyes. He asks the brat what they should do about Mommy’s widdoo pwobwem, and I could swear she says “fuckyyou”. I can’t prove it, though. Kids? Need to learn to speak properly. I’m visiting my nieces in Austin right now so I know what I’m talking about.
Uncoo you poopooface sasoo in ma bag!
STFU til you learn English, you little heathen. Seriously. Point is, don’t rely on children for advice. Tonight I tickled the kid for a bit and then after a couple of martoonis asked her if I would ever find a husband. “NOOOOO!” gigglegiggle. My feelings were totally hurt. I just got pwned by a midget bitch who poops her pants three times a day. Animal.
Lisa’s at work. I think I’m finally figuring out what her job is. She buys flowers and bitches at busboys to make sure they’re watered. Where can I apply for that gig? The yelling at busboys part. Watering is hard. Someone else can do that. Why am I so pooooor?
Tonight’s fundraiser is for a “young girl that was set on fire in her bed by this guy that asked her for a date.” Ummm….making fun of burn victims is never a good idea, but I just need some more details. She was asked on a date, went to bed, and got set on fire? She was asked on a date in bed and got set on fire? Did she just get asked on a date, go to bed with an electric blanket that started on fire? EXPLAIN. Fundraisers for battered women are very important, but this is the second one on this season. I feel kinda bad for cancer right now. It used to be the fundraising champ.
Ah, how the mighty have fallen.
Lisa’s actual work isn’t the hard part of the day. That just entails lots of “this doesn’t look right! I don’t want things on places! Surfaces! I want to see surfaces dahlingsweetiedahling.”
The hard part is dealing with her cabana boy, Leech. She asked him to be here fifteen minutes early to watch her yell at busboys and he was late. Late with a giant gaping hole in his pants. She’s like um you’re not here to find a husband tonight you’re here to help me you ass. Advertise on your own time. She’s stressed, and when he tries to weasel out of her bad graces, she snaps that he’s been leeching off her for a year and the least he could do is show up when she asks. He tries his best to smooth it over by saying that they’re good now, but since his eye surgery he can’t do the droopy puppy dog routine. He just looks shocked and defensive so it doesn’t work. Man, plastic surgery may give you smoother lines, but it kinda kills a guy’s skill at emotional manipulation. Lisa huffs “I’ll decide when we’re moving on!”
Can I borrow twenty dollars?
Leech is so typical. I watch this show visiting Texas for the holidays thinking “man. How could I live in such a shallow, ridiculous place?” And then I check out some pics from my phone.
People watching in Austin. zzzzzzzz
People watching in LA. YAAAY!
Totally worth a hundred Leeches. Kim walks her dog and thinks about how she angrily told Taylor to go put more shit in her lips. LOL. She’s gonna be the bigger person with smaller lips and apologize to Taylor.
The luncheon gets started and the girls arrive. Taylor and Lisa assure each other that they can get all this sorted out today. I don’t know that trying to work out this mess is a good idea on the same day you’re focusing so much energy on women getting set on fire. It just seems like a bad omen.
Kyle is nervous to be at the party, so she’s bought an entire table for friends outside the show. She goes to sit with them and Faye’s there to stir up some shit. She says right away that all the girls wanna talk about the Medium disaster and encourages Kyle to whip out a machete so Faye can spend the evening writing a bestseller about the tragedy and get her mortgage paid. You know how when you were little and you thought your Cabbage Patch Doll would never grow up?
I want a refund. This thing’s defective.
Kyle takes responsibility for losing her cool and says she just needs to learn to be civil. Faye’s a little disappointed that she didn’t get more drama. Why are we focusing on Kyle? You were the one who was blatantly dissed on national TV for using your best friend’s murder to land a beaver shot in Playboy. That would be a way more effective way of making everyone feel uncomfortable, Faye Willa Nancy.
Let’s skip to the part about how you wanna shank the bitch, Kyle! COME ON KYLE! Kyle remember how that lady told you you were a washup and your relationship was doomed to fail? OK let’s play a game. Someone at this table was told they’re useless and they shouldn’t come crying when her children are brutally murdered. Who was it? Hey Kyle what rhymes with Tumeel?
Jesus Faye. Calm down. You’ll get your drama within the hour like the rest of us. The fundraiser is a fashion show. It’s clothes for rich older ladies who want to hide full body scars.
After it’s done, Lisa starts yammering on about how ridiculous the fight was. Then why won’t you stfu about it? Taylor says that they should think about the girl who was set on fire and realize how small their own problems are right now. That Camille’s a bitch, but man. We could look like Freddy Krueger right now. Let’s go feed some homeless children or something before we hit up Rodeo. Ad tells us that this is all bs and women fighting like this sets the movement back about fifty years. I think that’s the point of the franchise, idn’t it? What the hell did you think you were signing up for, a kid’s show? Wait. She might have.
Money is what I have. Not who I ham.
Kyle’s at her own table getting pestered by Cabbage Patch Faye when she gets a text. I don’t know what it says yet, but she’s doing her Medium smoking a douchecig face so it can’t be good.
Ya gotta hand it to Shlemiel. She knows how to start shit. She knows there’s an event going on and she ditched her invite so she can text a bombshell when she knows all the women will be together to get all riled up. The text says “we wondb wrkn w ur hubind n eye moor kfusukitbye”. Oh, Shlemiel. Who’s this “we?” I’m sure Frashe was reclining back in a 200 year old leather chair smoking a pipe in a sweater vest and getting a blow job from his newest blonde while you typed that out. She loooves Mauricio but she can’t work with “that family” while she’s his crazy wife’s target. LOL. Shlemiel said target.
That’s like saying Voldemort out loud in BevHills.
Kyle starts crying. AW! She really needs to talk this over with Taylor.
Cheer up. You could be on fire right now.
Speak of the devilwhore, Shlem’s gonna go motorcycle riding with, who else? Someone else’s husband. “Do you mind if I pop some wheelies?”
Only if my nickname today is wheelies! Teehee! unzipurpantsIpayurrent
She giggles “I have two children, I’d like to stay alive!” I wonder if they feel the same. She adds that Tennis Ho’s bike is way cooler than Frasier’s. If she wasn’t aware that her marriage was over at this point, she was definitely trying to make it so. It’s like trying to get fired from your shitty job so you can collect unemployment. I get it. It’s why I kept throwing entrees on the ground when I was a busboy at Applebee’s. It’s an awesome plan until you get your first check of like ten percent of your normal salary. I can tell you this much, if that job involved pretending to get a boner for a rich affected old bald guy and writing checks to homely nannies to push out his kids for him, I would still be there in my black dickies and apple visor. Some people are just ungrateful.
During the cheezy ride, we get voiceovers about how Medium was protecting poor Camille at that party and she knew in her heart that she shouldn’t ever be around those women again. Does that mean you’re quitting? Cuz personally I think Cabbage Patch Faye would be a good replacement. So bye now!
Shlemiel, as usual, is making zero attempt at being entertaining, so let’s go see what Taylor’s up to! She’s spending a shit load of her rich ugly guy’s cash on a giant party for no reason! YAY! At least this time she’s not pretending to do it for her kid. Let’s just call it a Snowball’s Lethal Injection Party. The theme is Roaring 20′s to celebrate her (guessing) year of birth. Which is awesome, cuz that’s right before everyone lost all their money and turned poor. Sign of looming tragedy? This show always has me hoping for the worst. It feels so goooood.
Taylor says that she’s worried Kim and Shlemiel will ditch her party like they ditched the Body Scar Camo Fashion party. She tries on a dress at a fancy costume shop and coos that you can totally tell it’s a hundred years old just by the way it hangs. That’s how they used to describe her before plastic surgery was invented back in the eighties. Now she looks like Shirley Temple. How times have changed! Let’s celebrate ourselves into bankruptcy!
You can tell it’s 2010 just by the way it hangs. Or…doesn’t hang.
Helper puts a large, gaudy/perty necklace on her and asks “you don’t mind wearing costume jewelry, do you? Long, awkward, furious pause.
If my neck turns green I’ll swallow you like a cone of cotton candy and you’ll never see your family again.
Taylor tries on headbands and laughs at how giant her head is. She’s insecure about it, but it’s the only part of her body she can’t modify (yet. In 2035 or so we should have skull reshaping. Hang on, girl!), so she gets over it and tries to wisely accessorize it. Helper shrieks at a feathered piece until Taylor agrees to take it. She kinda looks like Conan the Barbarian.
Happy guitar music plays for Kyle’s scene, which means something really bad is about to happen. She and Maurpieceofassio are walking arm and arm into an Italian restaurant. Mauri reminds us we’re in LA by strolling in with his sunglasses, blowing kisses to random customers and saying things like “I owe you a caaaallll” and “bonjur!” EW! I have to admit that takes a tiny bit of hotness away. He would be way hotter in, like, Ohio or something. Give that man some flannel and an axe to chop down wood and buy me a padlock for our cabin. But for now I stick with my ew.
Bonjur, hola, bienvenudos, kitty cat! You losing weight? No silly my teeth aren’t whitened. Love you too! Call me mean it! You saw my bus bench? HA! Oh get out it was just a simple, every day real estate topless bus ad. I don’t deserve an Oscar or anything! Ok I doooooo! L-O-LOVE!
Kyle makes Mauri order her favorite salad, cuz she can. Ah, that’s love. I’ll know I’ve met my husband when we’re in line at Starbucks and I can just say “honey order my drink” and he does it. It might make the barista a little uncomfortable that I refuse to speak directly to her, but fuck her I found MY HUSBAND!!
Kyle flirts and smiles and then starts to lay the news of Shlemiel’s text on Mauricio. Jeeze. You woulda thought she just announced she wants to get knocked up again.
I’m starting to get the feeling that he makes this face a lot.
You can see him fight, grieve and move on in one three second look at her. He tells us that a cat fight between wives is a stupid reason to cut off business with someone and he can’t be mad if someone wants to act like a child. Now that? ‘s a husband. Also, just like a good husband, he doesn’t let her off that easy there at the table. He says that his clients are important and he needs to not be pissing them off and it’s unlike her to want to cut a bitch that’s not her sister. It’s tense, but we already know that he forgives her so it’s cute to watch her all speechless and stuff. She vows to make it right with Shlemiel. Oh that’s gonna be a disaster. YAY.
Adrienne meets her brothers at a recording studio to see one of their artists practice. He can’t hit notes too good, but he does lots of pushups so I guess it’s decent? I don’t really know how to judge music any more. Recapping American Idol has sandblasted all the taste buds off my eardrums. Now I look at singers like cows. Is it strong? Is it healthy? When I milk it will it stay still or squeal bloody murder? Wait. I don’t like where this is going any more. I think I should take a break.
Stop screaming. You were made to milk dammit!
Adrienne says the bitch fight was beneath her cuz she’s a working woman and has more important things to worry about. I give her props for that. Unfortunately, her “more important things” are suuuuuper boring. Can we just watch Paul hanging out in his boxer shorts at the mansion flicking the dimmer switch up and down?
Camille has super important things to do too, like…er….can’t think of anything. Thankfully she has a House Manager to answer her iPhone for her. Dbag. I’m calling this now. When Shlemiel finally gets her comeuppance, this chick’s gonna be rocking back and forth in her room giggling like a madwoman and praising Jesus:
Oh I’m sorry. I was just raising two children and four nannies and a Tennis ho but let me take some time out of my meaningless day to answer your goddamn cell phone TWAT!
Editors on this show? Are wonderful. Before a scene of Camille posing in short shorts and a skin tight tee and smiling and rolling her eyes, they make sure we see her looking like a misshapen demon from hell.
Taylor is trying to get Shlemiel to show her face at the roaring twenties thing, but Shlem is still horrified at the thought of running into an employee that didn’t stick their nose up her colonic spout. She promises to think about it. I would like to see a scene of her thinking about anything. That would be hilarious.
butterfly. pony. penis. tennis. dry well. owmypoop. godgottapoop. owwww. pooping right now. hope house manager gets here with mop soon. snuffleupugus. car wash.
Taylor and Kim meet to get a manicure and smooth things over. It should be easy peasy. Kim will apologize for the “go blow up your lips some more” comment and Taylor will apologize for threatening to go Oklahoma on her ass. Then they’ll hug and exchange pinky links. AW!!!no.
Taylor mentions she’s having a party in a couple days. She’s just renting costumes, waiters, caterers, dancing girls to jump out of cakes, a big brass band, and Camille all at the last second. “You should……stop byyy?? :/
Kim asks if the invite is last minute cuz Taylor was having a hard time trying to decide whether or not to invite her at all. Pause. Yes. They laugh too hard at each other and then stop abruptly. Kim thinks their problem is that they just get stressed out when other people are fighting and Taylor gives her a “and because you start shit with me to deflect your own bullshit you psycho” look.
No one’s gonna apologize, so Taylor takes the “let’s just pretend it didn’t happen” route and suggests they let bygones be bygones and cut the drama. Kim laughs “yeah but how fun would that be?!?” Head back, evil crazy cackle. Taylor? Not amused. Maybe she’s attempting a smile but she’s gone a little too far with the injections this week to make it. How can she even move her jaw at all anymore? What the hell is she putting in there? Planks? She’s starting to look like a lego set that someone poured a flesh colored wax over.
I know that it’s hypocritical of me to make fun of plastic surgery. No, I haven’t had it, but I definitely plan on it in the future. Once I’ve saved up enough money I’m gonna look like
Kim says she’s just kidding and has no idea why they haven’t been able to get along. She’s convinced that they’re friends now, but Taylor isn’t sure. She doesn’t really hate Kim, she just thinks she’s a weirdo. Some things don’t need to be understood to appreciate their beauty. Like rainbows. Or telenovelas. Or icons.
Shlemiel and Ad meet for lunch at an Italian restaurant. The waiter has a thick accent and tells them the specials of the day. Shlemiel gets her pouty face and says “yes, Mauricio, I’d still bang you but your wife weally hoot my feewings” and then waves him off. Poor guy’s gonna go back to the kitchen and put that into google translate and be confused as hell. I hope he just goes along and brings her a salad.
My friend told me you were cheating. Bad boy. Now get me some iced tea.
Shlemiel is gonna go to the party because Miss Bobblehead Andy called her up and told her if she didn’t try and get in at least one more episode with the rest of the cast he was gonna repossess every new body part she’d bought with Bravo money she really likes Taylor and it’s not about the other girls. They make small talk, and then Shlemiel launches into her bs about someone coming into her home and “verbally assaulting” her like that. For someone who’s above all this, Adrienne seems to be enjoying the show.
If she had a remote control she’d turn the volume up, lean back, and put her hand in the top of her waistband.
Ad tries to get a word in, but Shlemiel keeps on spieling on about how Kyle doesn’t know her. “I can’t write a book about myself, but I could give her some literature and say hey. This is the person that I am!” Um…please give her some literature about the person you are. When she’s broke from losing your husband’s commission she could try and sell those ole slag mags on ebay and feed the brats. Adrienne’s reaction is why she is awesome:
Ad sweetly, gently, but firmly says that it was a culmination of a lot of things. Cam doesn’t like that response cuz it means she might have done something to react to. She rolls her eyes. Ad looks super uncomfortable.
Camille aggressively laughs “why do I always have to be the target?” The answer to that is actually simple. CUZ YOU’RE AN ASSHOLE, SHLEMIEL!
The waiter breaks in to take a coffee order and Shlemiel asks him to please get back to cheating on his wife. When he leaves, dumbfounded, she gets back to slamming Kyle and says she just needs a slap on the wrist and to be told to grow up. Ad gets cartoonishly awkward and says that they BOTH need to be put in time out. She’s not letting Shlem get away with shit and I love it. Her wanting to just run from the table screaming makes it even funner. Her face muscles are probably moving more than they have in years.
Ow. You almost popped my face off. Just be quiet now k?
Shlemiel keeps poking, but Ad refuses to give in and cuts the lunch off. LOVE her. She tells us that she’d hoped Cam would be more willing to act like a grown up. Shlemiel is none to pleased at being cut off, but Adrienne is richer than her so there’s nothing she can do. The Palms trumps Frasier. SUCKA!
Her iPhone’s ringing. Answer it for her.
Kyle’s brat is walking around the house talking on her fake phone. It’s so cute. I pretend I’m on the cell phone too sometimes. Mostly when I pass people asking for change so that if they bug me I can snap “Um, I’m on the phone.” Lisa comes over with Jiggy. Hehe. Kyle tells her about the nasty Cam text, and Lisa crosses her fingers that Camille won’t show up tonight. If we crossed all the fingers of the people who have wished Camille wouldn’t show up somewhere at the same time, we could probably build a finger bridge across the Caspian Sea. Hell, I do it and I don’t even know her. I’ll just be walking around Christmas shopping, crossing my fingers and whispering “gawd I hope I don’t see Camille right now” over and over again.
Let’s take a break from all this nonsense and watch Lisa wash her bald dog. AW! That’s why he wears sweaters! She insists that she doesn’t care that he’s damaged. She’s not just gonna trade Ken in cuz he’s lost all control of his silent but deadlies. She’s loyal, dammit!
Poor Jiggy. Ah well. You could be on fire.
Montage of Jiggy being adorable and getting dressed up. He’s so cute. And knowing that he’s bald and likes fake diamonds has bonded me to him forever.
Taylor has a stylist come over to get her ready for the party. I’m not sure if he brought an assistant with him or if there’s an angel of death standing behind her ready to rip her face off. It’s late over here and I’ve had a lot of egg nog.
Do you guys see him too?
One of Kim’s daughters is going to her dad’s for an extended visit and Kim’s a sweet, concerned, twitching wreck about it. As Whitney talks about how soon she’s gonna be living on her own with her own place and stuff, Kim tries to look as calm as possible. She shouldn’t have put so much ice in that drink cuz it’s clinking.
Steady girl! Steady! You sound like a Salvation Army Santa.
Kim starts losing it a little when she finds out the trip has been extended from one month to three. It doesn’t help that Whitney’s wearing a dress that makes it super easy to envision her future tramp stamp.
Kim doesn’t wanna leave her kid on her last night in town, but Whitney encourages her to have a life and not just sit in the house eating ice cream and practicing the chicken dance in her jogging pants one more night on account of Whit.
Lisa’s ready for the party and wow. She’s hot. Leech? Not so much. Check another night off the list that Leech isn’t gonna find a husband and move out of the house. This might look fun, but it’s codependent enabling at it’s sickest.
They act as mobster and moll and it’s hilarious. Lisa tells Ken that Leech checked her out for the first time in the bathroom. HA. Ken just silently farts and goes along with it like a good sport.
Man I wish I was at that party so I could walk around calling Leech Camille all night. Taylor arrives at the party for some awkwardness with Russell. Their strained “you could leave me any second” flavor of love is starting to come off as sweet to me. She only air kisses him, but full on kisses her gay friends, which one of them points out loudly. Shot of Russ overlaid with sad horns.
Shlemiel shows up and she and Taylor squeal at each other and air kiss. They look like fresh fish thrown in a cooler together.
Shlem meets one of Taylor’s friends and immediately goes into her three topics of conversation one right after the other: she’s married to Frasier, Kyle’s mean, and Camille’s a really sweet, generous persoooon! Taylor looks like she’s sitting next to Kim in a manicure shop. Poor Taylor is really getting the short end of the stick this episode. She’s aging right before our eyes.
Kyle comes in and she and Taylor squeal. Kyle as loudly as possible with her back to Shlemiel. LOL good for her. Mauricio gets stuck talking to Russell and doesn’t really hide the fact that he doesn’t like him. Heee. Shots of people having fun and stuff, and then it’s time for business. Mauri walks over to Shlemiel and pops open a can of cheese, doing his best to charm her. Camille tells us how not intimidated she is by Kyle, but she spends the party starting at the floor like she’s gonna shit her pants. Literally she could shit her pants at any moment.
That stupid canape must have had hidden cheese. Why is everyone so jealous of meeee?
Kyle just keeps pretending Shlem isn’t there while Camille rolls her eyes right behind her no matter where Kyle moves. HAHAH. Finally, Kyle goes up to her and introduces her to her assistant. Turns out the only thing that makes Cam more uncomfortable than Kyle is talking to a black dude. The first words out of Cam’s mouth are “I bet you can daaaaance!” Headslap. Oh maaan.
Well, give her credit for not replacing “dance” with “shine shoes”.
Kyle and Camille are fakey bakey for a bit, and then Camille asks for a hug. Huh? They hug! LOL. Well, I guess they couldn’t stab each other, but it’s Christmas and even recappers get to ask Santa for something. I KNEW YOU WERE A FAKE!
They coo at each other as fakely as possible. Kyle says that she really tries to like Camille but something always happens. It’s not an “I’m sorry”, so Shlemiel puts her hands over her ears and “nananaaaa”s. They agree to put it behind them and find something else to fight about later in the season. Lisa doesn’t buy it, and neither do we. If anyone did, the ratings for this show would go into the shitter. For now, Shlem and Kyle are dancing together and staring at the floor, both thinking the same thing:
Is that poo on the floor? HOUSE MANAGER!
HM. Anti climactic, but still kinda fun just cuz we got to see Shlemiel squirm. This storyline has been a pretty thin thread to yank for ten episodes, but without it what the hell are we gonna do? I have no idea, but I’m excited to see who Cam blames Frasier impregnating a flight attendant on.
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit