RHOBH: The Art of Whore

This episode is titled “The Art of War”, so I already know I’m gonna love it. I bought that book off the cheap ass rack at Barnnoblebees just in case some mofos ever tried to stomp me. If you invite someone over and they see “The Art of War” on your bookshelf, they’ll know not to fuck with you. Also on my bookshelf: a candy wrapper and a five day old Starbucks cup. Are you threatened yet?

The book was written by Sun-Tzu, and the only Sun I’ve ever seen is Sun from Lost, so that’s who I picture speaking as I read.

Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster.

Thank you, wise Sun. We open with a catchup of last week. “You said it!” “You’re a fucking liar!” “WAH!” “WAH!” I’d like to think that if I had a husband, he would pass through the living room right now and say “sounds like a hen house, get a JOB.” Camille gets the last word, with her senseless “the one who stays in control wins.” Unless the one who loses control breaks a beer bottle and slices your ass with it. Stupid Camille.

We pick up where we left off last week, at the dinner the night before Frasier’s BIGBROADWAYDEBUUUUUT! Kyle doesn’t really know wtf to say at this point, so she just says she’s confused. Camille puts on her “I’m honestly sorry that you’re a bitch” face and whines that Kyle called her insecure. I’m just wondering why you would saaaaayyyy thaaaaat???I don’t know, Camille. Maybe because you’re a fucking stripper with fake tits so giant you can barely do the tree pose without putting a crack in your spine just so men will give you validation by staring at said giant fake tits since you can’t hold a fucking conversation that doesn’t involve the word “Frasier” long enough to make any real friends. Fucking moron.

I’m so sooooorrrryyy you’re an aaaaasssshooooooole.

Lisa’s face pretty much sums up what everyone watching this mess must be thinking right now:

That’s the first time the space between her eyebrows has crinkled up in over a decade. DAMN YOU, CAMILLE! I hope you’re happy!

Meanwhile, Camille’s acting like everyone’s gathered round to play Balderdash.

Yay big wooooords!

Lisa, like everyone else, thought the drama was over after the girls hashed it out up in the hotel room and Cam was left alone with Taylor, but that truce is dead now. Camille has decided to dredge up the “why would anyone want you in Hawaii without Frasier” lie. At first, this tactic seems insane. Why would Camille want to look like such a psycho on national TV? But consider what she would have to talk about it she weren’t backing herself into a corner and giggling like a loon while lashing out and taking jabs. What if someone brought up the war? Or the economy? Or books? You could ask Camille “what’s the square root of 25?” right now and she’d answer. “You said it. I remember.”

Kyle denies and Camille just makes that “aw you have a coooold, let me call one of the naaaannies to get you awaaaay from me” face and says sorry over and over. Then Kyle calls her a fuckin liar. Wait. I thought that happened last week. We’ve seen the clip so many damn times it feels like we’re already in season 2. The rest of the girls, though, are hearing it for the first time, so they’re mortified that Kyle would be so unladylike.

I hope the paparazzi didn’t hear that! My image! I’M AN ICON! WE DON’T CONDONE THE F WORD!

Taylor is shocked too, I think. I can’t tell. She looks like something someone just caught and is about to gut and turn into dinner.

Damn those neon marshmallows! I fall for them every time!

If Kyle never said it, and Camille doesn’t liiiiiiie!, then that must mean….Camille’s a lunatic. Dingdingding! Kyle says she’s hallucinating things and she’s worried about Camille. LOL. Camille doesn’t seem to know how to fight that one, but the very tippy top of her forehead is coming unstapled.

Camille pauses, whips out a little pink stapler for her shoddy forehead work, and then taunts Kyle with “you’re the one who keeps saying bad things about me! Go on!” Kyle doesn’t. CAN I?? Wait a second! Kim was there during this conversation! She WAS? HELLO? Couldn’t that have solved this like eight episodes ago? Kim is frozen when she is called to battle. Well, not frozen. It’s physically impossible for her to be frozen. She’s twitching like a corn kernel on a furnace lid.

Have I mentioned that I saw Jodie Foster at the skating rink once? I told her I liked her ribbons. Does that make me gay? I’m glad we’re spending time together you guys. AH! BEES!

Kim refuses to say anything except “I get nervous.” Me too. For you. WTF is wrong with her? Privately to us, she says that Kyle never said that. Duh. Then say something! Who cares if Camille gets mad at you? She’s already cast Patricia Arquette’s kids in Medium, which has been cancelled (I’m inconsolable about this, btw), so it’s not like she has any roles for you. She probably doesn’t even know your name. Slap her down! She just stays quiet at the table, which makes me wonder why the hell she’s even here. Do something.

Lisa jumps in and asks what the “insecure” part of the story is all about since she wasn’t around for that part. Camille asks the table if anyone there has called her insecure. Taylor says that she did, but only because Kim asked her if Camille was insecure. So now Camille accuses everyone of talking behind her back and tells us that Taylor told her about it. HAHAHAH stupid Taylor. Why did the fucking cameras leave that hotel room? Heads better be rolling at that network. Second big thing they’ve missed.

“Did you have a good plane ride over here?”, Camille asks accusingly. Lisa looks at her like she’s an idiot and shrugs “yeah”. Camille laughs like she just saw Frash naked for the first time, and tells us that Lisa was goading Taylor into trash talking her on the plane and “the whole thing was very Machiavellic”. HAHAHAHAH. Playing Scrabble with Camille must be a nightmare. “It IS a woooord. It iiiiiiis. I’m not a liiiiiiiaaaar!! Why are you calling me a liiiiiiiar??!?”

Lisa wants to know why Camille is asking about their flight, and then there’s a big long pause as Camille and Taylor gulp their martinis. Camille can’t think of any more words to brutalize, so she gets up and leaves, telling us that she doesn’t need any more abuse from these women. Un. REAL. Kyle looks at her like she’d look at a Ross Dress For less.

EW

There is silence at the table while everyone tries to string together in their heads what that fight was even about. Kim breaks the silence with “Taylor, you were the one who said that.” Taylor looks at her like she’s gonna stab her, which just makes Kim laugh. “I’m serious.” We’re shown a clip of Taylor saying Camille feels insignificant and a clip of Kim saying she probably feels insecure. Neither of them were being mean, but it’s fun to watch their shitty memories get the best of them, because now they are convinced someone must have been mean to Camille and someone has to pay!

Taylor is instapissed, telling Kim to stop trying to drag her into it, she wasn’t even there for that fight, and she’ll take Kim out back and pull some Oklahoma out on her ass. I’m rubber (literally) and you’re glue. Is that a threat? What the fuck is scary about Oklahoma? First off, Taylor’s talking about the mystery fight, Kim’s talking about the airport, and Camille’s off fucking a valet. This show has insecurity, delusion, and Machiavellic down but it’s lacking SENSE. I feel like I’m watching Telemundo right now. I’m laughing and pointing, but I can’t understand what anyone’s saying.

Kim’s comeback? “Yeah…well, don’t piss me off!” Taylor rolls her eyes and tells her to bring it. Then Kim rolls her head and snaps her fingers and Taylor does an Arsenio “wootwoot” and Kim sticks out her tongue and Taylor gets a straw and blows a spit wad at her. Kyle tells Kim to cut the shit so they can eat. HAHA. I know. It was such a pleasant night until Kim started up. Taylor talks all big, but she’s rubbing under her jaw to see if her skin is healed enough to get another wattle transplant for her nerves.

Taylor is pissed, Kim’s having fun for the first time of the season, and Kyle is crying. “This is heinous.” I like Kyle. Even though she looks fucking gorgeous even when she cries and I should hate her.

Someone’s crying, so the rules are you have to stop the fight. Taylor gets her say anyway though, with her mug. She keeps telling Kim off by pulling more faces than I knew she was capable of making. It’s hilarious.

Kyle cries more, cuz she feels like Camille made her look stupid and she has no way to fight someone who just plain lies. Kim tells her it’s partly her fault for being to abrasive and finger pointy and she’s kinda right, but this isn’t really the time. Let’s switch to appropriate dinner conversation please. The Dr Oz Poop episode of Oprah! That one always gets the chatter flowing.

If Lisa was closer to Kim, Kim would have gotten her ear pulled. She tells her not to attack Kyle for defending herself, and Kyle licks her wounds a bit and thanks Kim for all the help she gave her in that argument when she could have shut Camille down in under a sentence. Kim sees one of the bushes move and thinks the paps are after a good shot.

Lisa harumphs and says it’s not worth getting worked up over it. Well now she has a fight with Kim to get worked up over, but thanks for the late ass advice, Vandy. Kyle pouts about Kim not standing up for her, and Kim says “you need to stay in your place, Kyle.” Wow. I thought Kyle was the abrasive abusive one in this relationship. There’s a twist! You can’t have two Bette Davises or they’ll both be bloody stumps by the end of the season. You two pick a Joan and then stick to your goddamn roles.

Lisa is pissed that Kim was the only one who heard this alleged conversation and refused to stick up for her sister, and she just wants to leave stupid Kim at the table. Kyle cries “you’re not being my sister right now!” and Kim says “you don’t have mine either!” Um….you’re responding to a different sentence from a different fight. They need a secretary on this show to remind these dumbasses what argument they’re in.

Let’s check in with Adrienne. I would feel sorry for her because she can’t be on that trip due to the death of her uncle, but A. that trip sucks ass and B. I can’t feel sorry for people who display child porn in their homes.

Something tells me this house was forced to be built two thousand feet away from a school or a playground.

 

Her hubby, Paul, tries to figure out how to clasp the back of her dress. “You’re a surgeon and you can’t do it?” I know. I can only imagine what kind of wrecks a surgeon with hands like that would send out.

Paul fixes her dress, futzes with her hair, and generally makes her insane. Love him. Time for the funeral! Paul is taking forever to get out of the house, Ad’s screaming at her monster children to get in the car, and someone’s dead. This storyline? Pure fun. The best part is watching Paul turn the dimmer up and down and up and down, trying to figure out how to turn it off. I’m kinda sad when this scene ends. At least we got to see the lights turn off.

The next morning, Kyle tells Lisa that she can’t sleep and Lisa says “I feel like I’ve been shagged through a hedge backwards.” HAHAHAHAH. Kyle cracks up and asks doesn’t shagged mean fucking? Lisa’s like “NOW you can understand me?” Kyle knows she’s probably not welcome at the premiere tonight. Lisa asks if they can just let the fight go. Kyle’s like um no let’s buy stuff.

They head over to the designer who was hired to make Lisa’s premiere dress. Good Lord. You DON’T wanna show up overdressed to a drag show. Tourists will be asking for your autograph, and everyone knows tourists smell and have airborne diseases. And who has a dress designed to go see someone else’s husband in a show? Go to TJ Maxx and give Leech the extra cash for eyes that close.

Lisa does a really great job keeping her body looking hot. The dress is pretty tacky, but she knows how to wear it. She looks like the sweetest retired hooker of all time.

Kyle picks something out too, and hers looks great also. Both outfits look like they are straight from a Forever 21, as is the older lady style these days, but they cost more than Camille’s children so I approve.

Stop picking those scabs or they’ll never heal.

Kyle likes the outfit so much that she decides she’ll try to go to the show after all. She calls up Camille, but is left leaving a long semi grovelly message. She says she’s not a fighter, but we’ve all seen the previews with her jumping all COPS style on Kim, so I’m not buying it. I am firmly behind Kyle because of the promise that she can cut a bitch. Deliver, Bravo!

Over in BH, Ken is taking care of the gayest trio of dogs I’ve ever seen as Lisa tells us what a rascal he was back in the day.

Youah mummy loves you. Let’s rave.

We get the retelling of his life mashed up with Warren Beatty’s as he rescues a Adrienne from the pool and takes it to the gayest section of a backyard I’ve ever seen.

Wait heah by the penis trees. Mummy loves you.

On his way back in to ask his maid for a sandwich, he passes a statue that I can’t quite make out. I am guessing it’s of two dudes banging, if it follows the theme.

I was hoping I’d get some time to talk about my uncle, but whatever.

Old guys with clothes that match their tiny dogs’ not your thing? Let’s get back to NY and check out the bs Camille’s spinning to get her out of Frasier’s giant, hairy shadow. “After being attacked by my ‘so called’ friends” (bitch can’t even properly air quote a sentence), Camille decides for some quality time with real friends. And by that, I mean people she pays to be around her.

Her stylist queen is going on about how hard it was getting gay bashed in Kentucky. You know what would be hard? NOT gay bashing you in Kentucky. I mean listen to yourself. You don’t leave people much of an option.

Gay bashing is haaaard. On meeeeeeeee! It’s so haaard liiiiistening to this stooooory!

Who attacked Camille? Did I miss that part? She’s so full of shit. It’s hard for me to even press play again. She’s giving me IBS. Is that contagious through TV waves? If I have a butt that doesn’t work after this recap I’m suing. Hair Queen finishes his “I came through it cuz I’m a survivor, and so are you, girl!” monologue. Yeah, Camille’s had it really rough. She lived off men as a poor person and now lives off men as a rich person. Definitely comparable to being chased through Kentucky by big hairy unbathed drunk guys with baseball bats and chains on the back of their pickups to drag your fauxhawked ass through the state by your man scarf.

He’s done with the Lifetime portion of his appearance, so he starts giggling and asking about the trouble she got into. Hairdresser Chick immediately defends Cam, saying that ever since she’s known her girls just don’t like her. It must be because they’re jealous! That’s what my mom used to say when I got beat up in school instead of just saying flat out “You carry your books like a girl and you always smell like peanut butter. If you want people to stop beating you up, get a backpack and wash your hands.”

Hair Queen giggles and agrees, of course. Camille is so beautiful! She’s so rich! She’s so….can’t come up with anything else. She says that Kyle must have a crush on her because she said such hateful things and her husband is their realtor but “we’ll see how long that lasts!” Yeah I’m sure he’s gonna be real upset he won’t be able to find you a studio apartment to your liking once Frasier impregnates a Virgin employee and kicks your ass out on the street. The only problem with using other people’s money as a weapon is that the other person might wake up one day and realize you’re a piece of trash who conned him into marriage while he was drunk. If you need a weapon, get a taser. They’re cheaper, easier, and you don’t have hair in your bed when you’re done with them.

She plays Kyle’s message for the paid sycophants, who oooh and ahhhh and talk about what an evil move it was to call and apologize. These people are even more disgusting than Camille. Well done!

The girls get together for brunch. I guess the library was closed. Everyone (but Camille) sits around giving awkward looks. Kim announces that yesterday was her mom’s birthday, and since she has started a jewelry line in her mom’s memory she’d like to present Kyle with a piece of her collection. That’s about as close to “I’m sorry” as anyone’s gonna get this episode, so let’s all hug. Wait. No?

Kim has brought everyone a piece, and Taylor says that it was probably meant as a peace offering and she didn’t even bother to say I’m sorry. Give it up, girl. You’re married to RUSSELL. I’m sure you’ve been through this lots of time. You have no problem wearing those Scottsdale earrings.

Besides, who owes whom an apology here? You’re the one who stayed in the hotel room to talk shit with Camille, which caused this whole mess in the first place. I’m sorry. Logic. I take it all back. Taylor’s a good person. She’s wearing a cross.

Kim asks Kyle if they’re ok, but Kyle is still cold. Dead Mom Card wasted. But at least you got to plug your jewelry line. Kyle doesn’t wanna go to the show because it will be awkward, but everyone’s pretty much sick of hearing about it, so she moves on to why Kim didn’t defend her last night. Kim says the fighting made her uncomfortable, but I suspect the truth is that the longer everyone’s focused on Camille and Kyle the less time they have to try and stick quarters into Kim’s mouth like a shaky dryer that needs more time.

Kim doesn’t wanna go to the show either! Dramatic drum hit! The drum quiets down and Kyle rolls her eyes. Lisa tells them to stop being five and show the fuck up to the show and congratulate Camille for being alive while Frasier worked so hard on his performance thousands of miles away. Kyle tells Kim that she missed her chance to stand by her last night so stfu. She can’t hit Camille, but she can and will hit Kim.

I should have done a better job glue gunning that bracelet together.

The girls go back to the hotel to get ready for the night and Taylor calls Adrienne to let her know she loves her on this very sad dead uncle day dish some dirt. She says that Ad would have been able to set things right and stop the fight. Ad is listening to this message back home, and I love Paul even more when he laughs openly at the part where Taylor says “anyway, don’t worry about this today.” LOL. Ad is mad that Paul went out with the other husbands instead of going with her to her mom’s house. Well, if it’s any consolation, he ended up having to listen to Ken cry all night about Lisa being gone. You both got screwed.

Ad says he wasn’t there for her, and he argues and argues and then finally learns how to stop it. Not with jewels, not with threats, not with guilt. Get ready: “I’M SORRY”. Every conflict in the world could be solved like this. Paul for President of Something! They kiss and make up and are generally cute. I hope one of them cheats soon, cuz happiness doesn’t really have a place on my TV. Maybe he’ll turn out to be into fat lady feet or we’ll find out Adrienne is really Dolph Lundgren or something.

Russell is alone with Kennedy and the new dog for the first time ever. He’s so eerily calm. We make fun of him for cheating, but he’s probably calm and secretive cuz he’s a serial killer or something. Picture him in a plaid shirt sitting in his rig outside a truckstop in the middle of the night waiting for something. You could see it, couldn’t you? So could I. So. CREEPY. Kennedy is being a terror, as usual. It would be harder watching kids act like horror shows with their parents if said parents didn’t so richly deserve it. At this point, I’m on Kennedy’s side. If I was her nanny I would leave a pack of matches under her pillow and pop some popcorn.

Kennedy and her friends.

And now, since you’ve been soooooo patient, there’s a surprise! Open up that package. It’s a boner! Do you like it? You’re totally welcome. Merry X!

Even knowing that there are men like this in the world makes me want to be a better person. Or, more specifically, Kyle. I think that’s called an unrealistic goal, but it’s an easier one to live with than actually trying to become a better person. I’ll just be bitter that I’m not Kyle and go on with my day, k? I’m sure stuff happened in this scene, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

I have to take a moment to give the men on this show credit. They try. Even Russell’s heating something up. He offers Kennedy pizza, but she wants soap. “Soup?” No, you heard right. Soap. I’d give it to her. Which is yet another reason I don’t have children.

Cut to Mauricio and the kids having fun splashing around their pool and Kyle being grateful for her hot man. Cut back to Russell trying to read the back of a frozen meal box. LOL. I think this is supposed to contrast happy/sad, but I personally think it’s cute that Russell has been served a giant plate of Fuck You and he’s still trying to make his kid happy. And look! Kennedy’s not hiding under furniture or sitting with the knives!

AW! I’m glad he didn’t give you soap.

Russ finally does manage to get a plate of dried ass ravioli conjured up, but it sucks and Kennedy teases him about it. He says “you’re gonna hurt my feelings.” She laughs and laughs, and then stops. “I don’t know what that means.” Spoken like a true sociopath. Can the cameras stay in this house for awhile?

Camille is in her car with paid best friend, listening to how jealous other women are of Camille. They aaaalways have been! Camille. I want to be your true friend here. Get a backpack and wash your hands.

She coos about how it’s true, women have aaaaalways just been sooooo jeeeealous of heeeer. THEY HATE YOU. That’s different than being jealous. You wish they were jealous of you. Why else would you put the weight of small children on your chest? Sorry, honey. Not jeal. And as for paid best friend, sitting there in your limo wearing her Marshall’s spring sale picnic dress after being dragged across the country to comb your hair, I’m sure she’s not jealous AT ALL.

Camille pretends to listen as she does her kegels. You can literally see her squeezing. Nice dress.

Yes, women have been jealous of her, “and with that comes a lot of judgement without knowledge.” You’re a stripper who married a rich drug addict at rock bottom and got rich. If there’s additional knowledge there, please do tell. She says that the fight with Kyle has nothing to do with what was actually said, it was about Kyle being jealous. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!!

Kyle switched out the pants from the store with a black skirt, and now she looks like a waitress. This isn’t starting well for her.

Camille sent Kyle a text telling her to come and enjoy the show, and Lisa says that if any of them start shit tonight she’s gonna pull out a switch. Shlemiel and Paid Best Friend step out of the car and Paid Best Friend becomes an instant assistant. This girl is very useful. Where can I get one of those? Camille poses for the cameras hilariously. She looks like she had to get a cavity filled and had her entire mouth numbed. If I’d been there I would have offered her a Frosty.

It’s Nemo!

She tells us what it’s like to be so famous. People are shouting out Frasier! in really bad Mexitalian and Chinussian accents. Where is she walking the red carpet, Epcot? Stupid Shlemiel. By the way, this is the perfect time to explain why I like to call her Shlemiel.

When you hit image results, these are on the first page:

And cuz it rhymes and I’m stupid simple to please. Point is, Camille’s an asshole. She is asked by a reporter if she’s seen any rehearsals, and she says no “because I like to keep it fresh.” Huh? Speaky Englee. Kyle is instantly uncomfortable and thinks someone’s gonna run up to her out of nowhere and tell her off. Tennis Ho is waiting for Camille inside, and she’s sure to get a shot of her holding onto him like a coupon for dripless saline sacks.

I hope someone’s sucking Frasier’s cock right now. Who shows up to their husband’s premiere and acts like that? If other women’s vaginas were something you could buy at 7-11, I’d march there right now and ship him a carton of em.

Camille is, of course, seated comfortably in the front while the other girls try and fight the crowd to find their seats. Cam asks Tennis Ho if she’s showing too much cleavage, because they’ve been sitting down for like thirty seconds and he hasn’t stared at her tits once.

Yes, Shlemiel, you’re still relevant.

Camille says that when she laid eyes on Kyle, she knew she could handle it. Kyle waves and Camille coos HIIIIIIIII!, but tells us that Kyle verbally assaulted her. LOL. This show needs a new housewife. I have a nomination.

Back to the show. Shlemiel can never be friends with such a petulant child like Kyle! She only has room for one kind of friend.

So what have you guys been up to?

Weird segment about how hard it is to have to piss at intermission of a Broadway show. Shots of clear bathroom. Um, there are lines of like thousands of people trying to piss, usually. You know they cleared the bathrooms for the cast. There must have been some super pissed off theatergoers that night. I paid a hundred bucks to get locked out of the bathroom and squeeze my legs shut while listening to the sounds of Camille’s IBS echoing through the lobby? No thanks.

The Return of Beeker! CAN’T. WAIT.

After the show, Shlemiel goes back to say hi to Frasier and it seems like they met like a week ago. It’s awkward, she coos fakely about how great he was, he laughs fakely about how she needs to get out of his dressing room now, she giggles about how wonderful it would be to get signed programs for the girls, he chuckles about how seriously she needs to get the fuck out of his dressing room NOW. She says it’s always fun being backstage “oooh look it’s Kelsey Grammer. Wooooo.” HAHAH. Look a gift horse in the mouth all you want, but don’t get snippy with a john.

Mr. Frasier, a carton of vaginas has just arrived for you.

There’s an after party, and Lisa’s intent on no one using the words invisible, insecure, or IBS. Kyle is sitting in a booth, stewing, and Camille comes over to the table with her giant supplies of contact solution.

You have like a zillion dollars and you couldn’t do your roots, Shlemiel? Since she’s not around gross leering men, she tries to cover up her money makers as best she can. If those things could invert like a turtle’s head into its shell, they would.

Camille shouts a lot of fakeness about how the drinks are goin down easy and when asked how she felt about watching her man kiss a dude, she kisses Kim to prove that kissing old drag queens doesn’t have to mean anything. Frasier enters, and Kyle is worried about him because if her husband was pissed at one of her friends, he would probably defend her. Well, that’s different. Your husband speaks to you. Frasier probably doesn’t even know any of this is happening. He’ll get around to listening to those voicemails right after he’s done with all those Hooters waitresses I’m sending him in the mail.

Frash sits with the girls for awhile and charms them all. He tells us that “You hope, in a …. long marriage, that you’ve married someone…who’s decent.” That’s Frasier talk for “I’m banging any escape clause I possibly can” with a “travail” thrown in at the end for good measure. Kyle is shocked by how kind and gracious Frash is cuz it’s the exact opposite of how his wife behaves. I’m just gonna try and move on and pretend I didn’t just see Frasier disco dancing.

In the limo on the way back to the airport, Kyle is missing her family pretty bad right now. Everyone misses their husbands, and Kim twitches out something about missing all their husbands too. AW. Kyle is being nice to her again, and she talks about how being all alone on their Vegas trip really made her want to get a man. Poor Kim! Maybe she can find a guy with Strabismus so he doesn’t notice the twitch.

I think I loves you.

Kyle wants Kim to fall in love and have someone to share her life with. Hey! Kim’s got an idea! How bout they all pick a guy for her and they can have a big dinner where she gets to pick one! Taylor hates the bitch, so there’s no way she’s doing that. Lisa knows of a guy, but he’s in prison. LOL. Have I mentioned today how much I love. This. Show? I hear Brad and Angelina are having trouble. Just show up at that front door and remind Brad that you’re an ICON. The Bachelorette: Twitch Edition.

Lisa suggests an old rich dude with a bum heart. She came up with that plan years ago and it didn’t work for her, but it’s gotta work sometime!

Ow, penis trees! My haht! Wait nevah mind I’m fine. Have you seen my wife? Cuz I’M NEVAH PASSING! EVAH!

 

Back in BH, Lisa is waiting for Adrienne to call her so she can gossip freely without interrupting mourning time. Ad comes over, walks a half a mile up the driveway, and they get to blahing. Ad says that Taylor left her several messages about the drama. Taylor is such an instigator. Lisa catches Ad up, and Ad looks annoyed and uninterested. Leech, though, looks like my Pawpaw sitting in front of a Gunsmoke rerun.

They just don’t make em like this anymore, kiddo.

Adrienne puts on her coaching hat and calmly says that it should all be easy to work out. Mmhmm. Good luck with that. I’m gonna love watching you try. Leech suggests another lunch, cuz he’s a drama queen. Love it. He earns his keep. Now shots of all of Shlemiel’s employees. The lady who follows her around with a bucket in case of IBS attack looks miserable.

Camille is reading The Art of War. HAHAHAHAH. I wonder if Sun Tzu knew that this dumbshit would one day be sitting down with his work. Oh wait. He must have. Page 674 paragraph three:

You’re an asshat – Sun Tzu

Camille has Tennis Ho over and tells him that Kyle raged at her like a crazed homeless woman and she doesn’t trust any of the women. Then, within the same ten seconds, tells us how women should empower each other instead of tear each other down. HA! Women need to be more like men and just punch each other. This chick is batshit at this point. We all know how full of it she is now, but she’s going on and on, making her lies bigger and bigger by the second and believing every single word of it. Oh wait. It gets better.

So how did Frasier feel about this? He was supposedly pissed and supposedly said “well I guess we’re gonna have to find a new realtor.” Camille’s not doling her husband’s hard earned cash out to some devil woman who doesn’t respect her like one of her employees should. In the pecking order, her husband wins. Then she goes on a rant about how famous and rich Frasier is and how much everyone loves him while Kyle’s married to a local realtor. WOW. So she’s not only stupid, slutty, ignorant, delusional, irrational, selfish, lazy and untalented. She’s stupid, slutty, ignorant, delusional, irrational, selfish, lazy, untalented, and hateful.

You should have actually read Art of War, skank.

“Confront them with annihilation, and they will then survive; plunge them into a deadly situation, and they will then live. When people fall into danger, they are then able to strive for victory.”

 

She says she wanted to “eviscerate them with words”, but she’d have to figure out what “eviscerate” means, first, and that would have been haaaaard. She calls Kyle “pernicious”, and then repeats the word a few times, hoping that its definition will just pop into her head. I’m sure the tennis pro you’re fucking thinks you’re really smart right now, Camille. Well played. She tells us what a miserable human being Kyle is a few more times as Tennis Ho tries to get his boner the hell out of there. Camille won’t let him go. Frasier must be kicking himself that this is being aired AFTER he settled their divorce for thirty million dollars.

I’m sorry but I can’t hear a thing you’re saying when you’re wearing a sweater.

So we weren’t imagining it. Camille is truly a nasty, hateful little skank. YAAAAAAYYYY!!!! She might not have spent any real time reading (ever) Art of War, but someone over at Bravo sure as shit did.

Encourage his arrogance (for great fucking TV). – Sun Tzu