Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Ken farted silently at the dinner table and made Taylor cry,
That wasn’t me. Or was it? It might’ve been. Damn woman I told you not to serve me Mac n’ Cheese! It makes me feel weak!
Taylor went to Colorado with the girls and cried more cuz Ken’s silent but deadly scarred her for life,
My mouth looked normal before that fart. I have a voice, dammit!! I will use my voice!! And the first thing I will say with my new voice is WAAAAAAHHHH! The second thing I will say is that it’s all Kim’s fault!
and Camille showed another house of Frasier’s one last time before she has one of her four nannies burn that shit to the ground.
Still an asshole.
The girls are still in Colorado, and we open with Lisa spying on Taylor and Kyle in the hot tub. She tells us that Taylor’s had a whole bottle of wine by herself and is sobbing like a horsey faced idiot. Meanwhile, Kyle is giving Taylor terrible advice and flashing about twenty grand worth of jewelry at the camera.
Steal his house, call him a drunk liar in public, and insinuate that he killed my mother.
Camille has had a really hard time skiing and telling her four Temployees what she wants for dinner, so she goes to take a nap. Kim is trying to sleep off all the powder too, so she tries to take a nap. But some drunk rubber holed idiot comes into her room and jumps on top of her. It’s Taylor. She’s WASTED. LOL!
Underarm jiggle can’t save you from this one.
She cries about how much she feels for Kim and how similar they are. ??? She’s going through soooo much drama and Kim’s nuttier than a Camille load after a PayDay binge, so I guess they have that in common. You know the real reason she’s being nice to Kim is that she knows Twitch has good coke on her. The polite thing to do is just ask so she can get you high and you can get the f out of her room. Taylor sobs about how she grew up with nothing. NOTHING! And now you’re rich, no? I think that’s called winning. I just ate an M&M I found in the couch cushions for dinner, bitch. Please don’t complain to me.
She continues on about how haaaaard it iiiiis. She’s turning into Camille. Well, Camille without the fifty million bux and the violent shits. She apologizes to Kim for “everything I………did with you.” The editors give us the “I’m about to take you out back and pull some Oklahoma out on your ass” flashback, but they leave out all the parts of Taylor telling Camille that Kim talked shit about her, which started the giant nonsensical war that lasted all of season one. This must be the “sensitive” editing the producers promised.
Taylor says she’s terrified of going back to being poor, cuz she knows without a homely dude’s bank roll she’ll look like Bob Barker in less than six months.
Number one reason to stay married.
Kyle comes in and stands there in shock that there is now someone in the cast crazier than her twitchy sister. I’m calling it now: Taylor’s new friendship with Twitch means no more friendship with Kyle.
Another one over the edge. I’m so stealing her house.
Kim gives her the standard “Have you heard of monster.com and how fast can you type?” advice, but Taylor wants to talk more about feeeeelings. She says that she has always been drawn to Adrienne because Ad has no problems and they both look like raw hams wrapped in seran wrap, but maybe she should have taken time to get to know Kim better. Kim says that part of the human experience is being miserable, so just concentrate on the good and learn how to file stuff.
Kyle can’t taken any more, so she gets in bed with them in time for Taylor to give a sobby, drunken apology to Kim. Kim accepts it and doesn’t offer one back. I LOVE YOU KIM! Taylor wahs “I was a real asshole” and Kim agrees. LOL! They all three crack up, and Kyle takes this time to throw in a quick little meaningless apology of her own. Kim takes hers too and they all laugh about how mean everyone is to Kim. It’s actually a cute scene, in a sick, sad way. Meanwhile, a Temployee pours a glass of water and tries not to concentrate on the not so subtle representation of Camille’s gaping jayjay behind her.
If that thing swallows you, be sure to say hi to Tennis Pro Ho for me!
It’s ten minutes til dinner. Kyle is trying to make convo with the Temployees, but they’re as dimwitted as they are homely, God bless their hearts. She goes to check on Taylor and Kim, who are in the closet giggling and snorting stuff. Taylor has curled up into Kyle’s suitcase. Man, she’s lucky there aren’t gonna be custody hearings, cuz the bitch is off her rocker.
Some people have baggage. Some people are baggage.
YAY! So we’re having fun, right? Um…no. Taylor goes from laughing and playing to freaking the fuck out and accusing someone (everyone?) of stealing her makeup bag. HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Well, it doesn’t really compare to Hangergate on RHONY, but it’ll do. She’s cursing and yelling and losing her shit, and even Lisa’s being nice and trying to help her. Tay is insinuating that either staff or production (I’m just trying to make sense of this) hid her bag to make her look like a bleep bleep psycho bitch bleep fuck bleep need my rubber catheter bleep fucking Mexicans bleep. Wow. The ladies all band together to help her find it, and no one really knows what to do with her, cuz she’s telling people off and no one knows why. I think Ad’s face pretty much sums it up.
Kyle had the makeup bag in the other bathroom the whole time, but it doesn’t calm Taylor down because she didn’t put it there! Whoever forged Obama’s birth certificate did it! Oh lawd. Lisa thinks maybe Taylor is drinking to cope with her bad marriage. Yeah…good thinking there, Lisa! The best part is when she gets in a chicken stare down fight with her poor alter ego, Shana.
It’s like Ringer, but both Sara Michelle Gellars are evil and made out of silly puddy.
So we know why Taylor’s batshit crazy. Can anyone explain why Lisa’s dressed like she’s about to headline the musical version of Hookers at the Point?
They finally get Taylor to come to the kitchen. Baaad move. They should have zipped up that suitcase and left it on the doorstep. It would have done them, and her, a lot of good. Lisa catches Camille up on the drama, and Camille is worried that it’s gonna be another dinner party from hell. Unless Taylor smokes on a fake cigarette, threatens to not help save Kyle’s kidnapped children, and singlehandedly ruins Patricia Arquette’s career in one night, then don’t worry. It won’t be the dinner party from hell. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be even scarier!
I see dead people, and even they’re afraid of those lips, girl!
Kyle tries to get some food into her, but she refuses. “I never eat.” She just wants coke. Kyle gives her some coca cola. Bad move! Taylor gets bitchy again and asks why the hell she’s putting on gloss. Um…so the Frankenstein stitches don’t show on TV? You’re making people uncomfortable enough without that crap in our faces, too. She starts shouting “Tuna CharChar!” when she’s offered some tuna, and Ad lets her in on a little secret: “You’re having a nervous breakdown.”
Nervous br…uh huhhhhhhhhhh. Your face is like a kaleidoscope that doesn’t move. How do you do that? CHAR CHAAAAR!
Ad tells her to pull her shit together, but Tay is too far gone to notice. Now she’s sobbing again and saying “sorry” over and over again. Kyle tells us that she feels bad for Taylor, “but come on. We’re on vacation.” LOL!! I TOLD YOU!!
Dinner time!! Taylor starts it off by sobbing to Camille that sleeping in her kid’s room is making her so sad about what Frasier did to her. “That could happen to my own kid!” Kennedy should be so lucky to marry a gross dude and get out of it with fifty mil, girl! If this was taking place just a few of decades ago, that would have been your goal for your kid. Man, how quickly things change. Camille has a Temployee hug her.
Lisa tells us that Taylor’s always a sobby mess and a victim. You’re right. Now please put on a shirt. Kyle asks Taylor why she’s staying with her husband when he’s an ass, and Kim jumps in to stick up for Russell. Apparently, he called earlier to make sure Taylor was ok and that all her stuff arrived, and Kim thought that was sweet. Ad and Lisa interrupt her and tell her that’s superficial bullshit. I disagree. Kim’s right on. Spend enough time without a man in your life and everything seems really romantic. I got a Val-Pak in the mail today and almost raped the mailman on the spot. Sorry about that, Burt! Kim keeps trying to twitch her point out, but the ladies won’t have it.
Ad says that Taylor is probably just staying with Russ because she’s afraid of being alone. If by alone you mean poor, then yes. Very thoughtful. One of the idiot Temployees comes out and insists on telling them how she made the fucking soup for five minutes. Kyle and Lisa share super pissed off looks. I don’t know if they’re mad at the chef or Taylor. I say take them both out back and tie them to the nanny post until they learn to stfu during dinner.
No one cares, heifer, Unless you’re gonna cry nonsensically about how poor you were as a child you’re not needed here. GO AWAY.
If I was there, I’d wait for idiot chef to shut up and then ask if she had any bacon bits. Taylor looks like she really loves carrot ginger soup.
That soup stole my makeup! CHARCHAAAR!
Told you so.
Meanwhile, back in BevHills, the husbands are hanging. Out. Hanging out. Russ is absent, cuz he doesn’t feel like being humiliated on national TV anymore is in San Diego/Phoenix/Tuscon/Scottsdale or something. They guys gossip about his marriage, and Paul says there’s what he said, what she said, and the truth. Well put. But you forgot “and what the editors said.” Then he brings up the dinner party where Ken made Taylor cry, and Ken says that his “I don’t believe in therapy” comment was meant for himself and he didn’t intend to make Taylor cry in the bathroom. He says he likes Tay and knows she’s going through a hard time and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. AW. He’s a sweet guy. You know he is, because the producers gave him a chance to publicly clear that up so he would stop getting hate mail. The guys all cheers, and then smell something funny.
Is there a rotting corpse under our table?
The one who smelt it dealt it.
The ladies are talking about how Camille was so strong to deal with gross hairy Frasier for so long. When Camille is supposed to be your only inspiration, it’s time to get back in the suitcase until better friends magically appear to let you out. Taylor insists that Russell never cheats on her, and Ad tries to get her to say what, exactly, Russell does do that’s so bad. Taylor answers with a Mickey Rourke in the Wrestler impression.
Fuckin’ 90′s sucked.
Ad tells us that she’s never seen Russell treat Taylor badly, but the word around town is that he does, and all she’s heard from Taylor is bad stuff so she doesn’t know what to think. Taylor’s not shedding any light on anything but how far behind other countries we are in our elective surgery artistry, so Lisa tries to help her along. “If someone raised a hand to you, for example…” Damn Lisa! That’s a little on the nose! Kyle says she would be out of there the second she was hit, and Ad says she would beat the shit out of any man who hit her. Taylor still won’t say anything, so Kyle takes the reigns. She says flash forward to the future and pretend that she’s already left Russ. Tay jumps in “And the safety of my daughter.” Huh? How does that fit in? If these women were really friends with Taylor, they’d put her to bed right now and save her some humiliation. Thankfully, they’re terrible friends and keep on pressing.
Lisa asks if Taylor feels like she deserves better, and Taylor cries nooooooo. But I loooooove hiiiiiiim! The ladies all yack that she needs to dump his ass, and then she starts moaning on about how fragile she is. Then she gets downright offensive and does a spot on Connie Chung impression. Racist, rude, and uncalled for, Taylor.
No one knows how to respond to that. Thank God Kim is there to snap the Asian out of her.
If you suspect a woman is being abused, it’s probably bad manners to go at them violently with a napkin. That said, I LOVE KIM SO HARD. Lisa, half mortified by Twitch’s outburst and half amused, thanks Kim for lightening the mood. Kim says “See, you thought you were a psychologist!” Lisa says she never claimed to be a psychologist, and Kim shout/laughs “well you’ve been acting like one all year!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Kim dissed Lisa good, which brings a genuine(ly scary) smile to Taylor’s giant mouth.
Back to LA! Taylor is mortified by her behavior, and she jumps in the first car she sees and gets the fuck outta that airport as fast as she can. I feel bad for whatever family was driving that thing, cuz they’re in for a looooong ride. Kyle and Ad take a huge ass limo, and Ad is wearing that plastic Dennis the Menace hair all the rich women are sporting these days.
They immediately start talking about what a mess Taylor is. She’s too skinny and she’s drunk and mumbling and losing her shit. Let’s go back to Frasier’s place in Malibu! Cam’s hanging out with poor ignored friendployee DD. Why is Camille always out of breath? Stripping’s a sport, no? She should be able to do more than walk across the lawn for crissakes. Now let’s hear about how haaaaard everything is for Shlemiiiiiiiiel. DD asks what she misses most about Frasier. Camille says she misses watching the nannies stick vacuum his back hair. DD misses getting paid. Poor thing is working for bottles of White Rain these days. Cam tells her about Tay’s breakdown, and DD adds as much personality as always. “Uh huuh. Uh huuuuh.” Then she says at least Tay gets therapy instead of being dumped publicly like Cam. Camille is more of a victim, ok? We get it. Now someone please drive over there and pick them up before she has a lung collapse.
Kyle and Mauri are at lunch, and Kyle says she’s embarrassed to tell him about the drama of the trip. Huh? It will make him think they’re nuts. HA. He watched season one, right? Cuz you crawled over people in a limo to smack your sister and call her a lush. I think he already thinks y’all are nuts. She tells him about what went down, and tells us that it was nice to bond with Kim over someone being crazier than her. Mauri is glad for her, but he’s still pissed that Kim accused him of stealing her house on national TV and won’t sweep it under the rug til she gets a doctor. That’s a little too sensible. This is why they can’t make a Real Husbands show. The guys are just like “Yadda yadda let’s watch tv and adjust our balls.”
Lisa and Ken are looking at space to expand their restaurant Sur in WeHo. Unless Leech the Ex Cabana Boy is here threatening Lisa with a tell all written in misspelled tweets, I have no interest. Ken just wants to lie down, but Lisa has “this trick I pull out on Christmas and Birthdays”. HAHAH! She says if he keeps up the nos, she’ll take one for the team and give him some boobie action. LOL.
Let’s head over to The Mall at Caesar’s Palace, otherwise known as Ad’s house. Paul is on the phone with the head of security at one of the hotels Ad stays at in Sacramento. The Maloofs own the Kings. They want a new stadium, they’re not getting it, so Ad is threatening to move the team out of Sacramento. She knows the economy is in the toilet, right? Is it really the taxpayer’s biggest priority right now to pour millions into a stadium? Can you eat a stadium? No. No you can not. The fans are pissed and want to publicly mock her and stuff. At least that’s what I’m getting from all this. The security guy says there’s a lot of volatility and hate, and it would be dangerous for her to go to the last game of the season, and possibly the last game ever. Paul tells her not to go or people will throw stuff at her face. She says she’s had plenty of shit thrown at her face and isn’t scared. “I’m rubber, you’re glue” ain’t just a saying. Her face is safer than a Toyota Camry. Paul doesn’t wanna go, so they argue and argue. She’s going, dammit!
Let’s get back to Taylor. I’m bored. She has a life coach. LOL!! You’re doing a great job, sugar! You should be as embarrassed as my personal trainer.
So last time we met, I suggested you get plastered and embarrass yourself and your family and anyone who’s ever met you on national TV. Did you or didn’t you listen?
Taylor tells her that she had a panic attack on the trip. That’s an interesting way to put it. She blames the hot tub. She heard everyone’s perspective and it ended up making her crazy. Um, you should shut the fuck up about your issues if you don’t want people to comment on them, and she admits that. Useless Life Coach tells her that she needs to build up her resistance so that other people’s opinions can roll right off her. You need to be advising her to shut up, girl! Come on! Taylor has done nothing but beg everyone around her to suggest she leave her husband. Now she got what she wanted and that’s everyone else’s fault. UGH. Fucking LA. When you have to pay someone to tell you you’re right, YOU’RE WRONG. I’ll be your life coach. Listen good, cuz I’m only saying this once: STOP SUCKING. Now write that check. I’m hungry.
Adrienne drama! Paul and Ad are arguing in the limo about being safe. She wants to stay in her box, he says it’s scary. She tells us that he was overstepping her bounds. She needs to get him a shock collar. Kim is coming with them, and Paul’s like “Um does she know she could get murdered on this trip?” Twitch doesn’t know the difference, and she’s the only friend crazy enough to come. Ad gets pissed and tells Paul to stay out of her business and they fight and fight and fight. Ugh. If I wanted to watch homely people fight I’d cut in line at Ross Dress for Less.
Kyle is in her backyard picking up dog shit. Portia is obsessed and wants to scoop the poop. It’s hilarious. That kid is so cute. Kyle won’t let her scoop! WHY? What’s the point of having kids if not to scoop poop? This show is confusing sometimes.
Paul and Adrienne get to the airport and Kim’s not there. Ad calls her, and after asking “WHO IS THIS?” five times, Kim starts twitch babbling like an incoherent drug addict. “Where? I’m so excited to go with you guys! I love you guys! My power went out. I was gonna do my hair wet in a ponytail and then I was like in the middle of the Kings guys? No way! I LOOOOVE YOOOOU! Icon! Flipper! Disney!” WTF? Ad knows the score, but she’s on TV so she decides to wait at the bar while the rented (EMBARRASSING) private jet waits for them. Paul’s like “woah that bitch is wack” but Ad says Kim is just recovering from a cold. Paul’s like “that crack ho isn’t recovering from anything.”
DING DING DING!!
Oh, Kim! WHYYYYYY??? Next week, we meet our new housewife! And she’s already on crutches!
Trouble on four sticks.
You guys, how juicy is this show? My God. These women are blossoming into bigger nuts than I could have ever hoped for. YAAAAYYYY!! See you next time!