Previously on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, Ken farted silently at the dinner table and made Taylor cry,

That wasn’t me. Or was it? It might’ve been. Damn woman I told you not to serve me Mac n’ Cheese! It makes me feel weak!
Taylor went to Colorado with the girls and cried more cuz Ken’s silent but deadly scarred her for life,

My mouth looked normal before that fart. I have a voice, dammit!! I will use my voice!! And the first thing I will say with my new voice is WAAAAAAHHHH! The second thing I will say is that it’s all Kim’s fault!
and Camille showed another house of Frasier’s one last time before she has one of her four nannies burn that shit to the ground.

Still an asshole.
The girls are still in Colorado, and we open with Lisa spying on Taylor and Kyle in the hot tub. She tells us that Taylor’s had a whole bottle of wine by herself and is sobbing like a horsey faced idiot. Meanwhile, Kyle is giving Taylor terrible advice and flashing about twenty grand worth of jewelry at the camera.

Steal his house, call him a drunk liar in public, and insinuate that he killed my mother.
Camille has had a really hard time skiing and telling her four Temployees what she wants for dinner, so she goes to take a nap. Kim is trying to sleep off all the powder too, so she tries to take a nap. But some drunk rubber holed idiot comes into her room and jumps on top of her. It’s Taylor. She’s WASTED. LOL!

Underarm jiggle can’t save you from this one.
She cries about how much she feels for Kim and how similar they are. ??? She’s going through soooo much drama and Kim’s nuttier than a Camille load after a PayDay binge, so I guess they have that in common. You know the real reason she’s being nice to Kim is that she knows Twitch has good coke on her. The polite thing to do is just ask so she can get you high and you can get the f out of her room. Taylor sobs about how she grew up with nothing. NOTHING! And now you’re rich, no? I think that’s called winning. I just ate an M&M I found in the couch cushions for dinner, bitch. Please don’t complain to me.
She continues on about how haaaaard it iiiiis. She’s turning into Camille. Well, Camille without the fifty million bux and the violent shits. She apologizes to Kim for “everything I………did with you.” The editors give us the “I’m about to take you out back and pull some Oklahoma out on your ass” flashback, but they leave out all the parts of Taylor telling Camille that Kim talked shit about her, which started the giant nonsensical war that lasted all of season one. This must be the “sensitive” editing the producers promised.
Taylor says she’s terrified of going back to being poor, cuz she knows without a homely dude’s bank roll she’ll look like Bob Barker in less than six months.

Number one reason to stay married.
Kyle comes in and stands there in shock that there is now someone in the cast crazier than her twitchy sister. I’m calling it now: Taylor’s new friendship with Twitch means no more friendship with Kyle.

Another one over the edge. I’m so stealing her house.
Kim gives her the standard “Have you heard of monster.com and how fast can you type?” advice, but Taylor wants to talk more about feeeeelings. She says that she has always been drawn to Adrienne because Ad has no problems and they both look like raw hams wrapped in seran wrap, but maybe she should have taken time to get to know Kim better. Kim says that part of the human experience is being miserable, so just concentrate on the good and learn how to file stuff.
Kyle can’t taken any more, so she gets in bed with them in time for Taylor to give a sobby, drunken apology to Kim. Kim accepts it and doesn’t offer one back. I LOVE YOU KIM! Taylor wahs “I was a real asshole” and Kim agrees. LOL! They all three crack up, and Kyle takes this time to throw in a quick little meaningless apology of her own. Kim takes hers too and they all laugh about how mean everyone is to Kim. It’s actually a cute scene, in a sick, sad way. Meanwhile, a Temployee pours a glass of water and tries not to concentrate on the not so subtle representation of Camille’s gaping jayjay behind her.

If that thing swallows you, be sure to say hi to Tennis Pro Ho for me!
It’s ten minutes til dinner. Kyle is trying to make convo with the Temployees, but they’re as dimwitted as they are homely, God bless their hearts. She goes to check on Taylor and Kim, who are in the closet giggling and snorting stuff. Taylor has curled up into Kyle’s suitcase. Man, she’s lucky there aren’t gonna be custody hearings, cuz the bitch is off her rocker.

Some people have baggage. Some people are baggage.
YAY! So we’re having fun, right? Um…no. Taylor goes from laughing and playing to freaking the fuck out and accusing someone (everyone?) of stealing her makeup bag. HAHAHAHAHAH!!! Well, it doesn’t really compare to Hangergate on RHONY, but it’ll do. She’s cursing and yelling and losing her shit, and even Lisa’s being nice and trying to help her. Tay is insinuating that either staff or production (I’m just trying to make sense of this) hid her bag to make her look like a bleep bleep psycho bitch bleep fuck bleep need my rubber catheter bleep fucking Mexicans bleep. Wow. The ladies all band together to help her find it, and no one really knows what to do with her, cuz she’s telling people off and no one knows why. I think Ad’s face pretty much sums it up.

Horrifying
Kyle had the makeup bag in the other bathroom the whole time, but it doesn’t calm Taylor down because she didn’t put it there! Whoever forged Obama’s birth certificate did it! Oh lawd. Lisa thinks maybe Taylor is drinking to cope with her bad marriage. Yeah…good thinking there, Lisa! The best part is when she gets in a chicken stare down fight with her poor alter ego, Shana.

It’s like Ringer, but both Sara Michelle Gellars are evil and made out of silly puddy.
So we know why Taylor’s batshit crazy. Can anyone explain why Lisa’s dressed like she’s about to headline the musical version of Hookers at the Point?

They finally get Taylor to come to the kitchen. Baaad move. They should have zipped up that suitcase and left it on the doorstep. It would have done them, and her, a lot of good. Lisa catches Camille up on the drama, and Camille is worried that it’s gonna be another dinner party from hell. Unless Taylor smokes on a fake cigarette, threatens to not help save Kyle’s kidnapped children, and singlehandedly ruins Patricia Arquette’s career in one night, then don’t worry. It won’t be the dinner party from hell. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be even scarier!

I see dead people, and even they’re afraid of those lips, girl!
Kyle tries to get some food into her, but she refuses. “I never eat.” She just wants coke. Kyle gives her some coca cola. Bad move! Taylor gets bitchy again and asks why the hell she’s putting on gloss. Um…so the Frankenstein stitches don’t show on TV? You’re making people uncomfortable enough without that crap in our faces, too. She starts shouting “Tuna CharChar!” when she’s offered some tuna, and Ad lets her in on a little secret: “You’re having a nervous breakdown.”

Nervous br…uh huhhhhhhhhhh. Your face is like a kaleidoscope that doesn’t move. How do you do that? CHAR CHAAAAR!
Ad tells her to pull her shit together, but Tay is too far gone to notice. Now she’s sobbing again and saying “sorry” over and over again. Kyle tells us that she feels bad for Taylor, “but come on. We’re on vacation.” LOL!! I TOLD YOU!!
Dinner time!! Taylor starts it off by sobbing to Camille that sleeping in her kid’s room is making her so sad about what Frasier did to her. “That could happen to my own kid!” Kennedy should be so lucky to marry a gross dude and get out of it with fifty mil, girl! If this was taking place just a few of decades ago, that would have been your goal for your kid. Man, how quickly things change. Camille has a Temployee hug her.
Lisa tells us that Taylor’s always a sobby mess and a victim. You’re right. Now please put on a shirt. Kyle asks Taylor why she’s staying with her husband when he’s an ass, and Kim jumps in to stick up for Russell. Apparently, he called earlier to make sure Taylor was ok and that all her stuff arrived, and Kim thought that was sweet. Ad and Lisa interrupt her and tell her that’s superficial bullshit. I disagree. Kim’s right on. Spend enough time without a man in your life and everything seems really romantic. I got a Val-Pak in the mail today and almost raped the mailman on the spot. Sorry about that, Burt! Kim keeps trying to twitch her point out, but the ladies won’t have it.
Ad says that Taylor is probably just staying with Russ because she’s afraid of being alone. If by alone you mean poor, then yes. Very thoughtful. One of the idiot Temployees comes out and insists on telling them how she made the fucking soup for five minutes. Kyle and Lisa share super pissed off looks. I don’t know if they’re mad at the chef or Taylor. I say take them both out back and tie them to the nanny post until they learn to stfu during dinner.

No one cares, heifer, Unless you’re gonna cry nonsensically about how poor you were as a child you’re not needed here. GO AWAY.
If I was there, I’d wait for idiot chef to shut up and then ask if she had any bacon bits. Taylor looks like she really loves carrot ginger soup.

That soup stole my makeup! CHARCHAAAR!


Told you so.
Meanwhile, back in BevHills, the husbands are hanging. Out. Hanging out. Russ is absent, cuz he doesn’t feel like being humiliated on national TV anymore is in San Diego/Phoenix/Tuscon/Scottsdale or something. They guys gossip about his marriage, and Paul says there’s what he said, what she said, and the truth. Well put. But you forgot “and what the editors said.” Then he brings up the dinner party where Ken made Taylor cry, and Ken says that his “I don’t believe in therapy” comment was meant for himself and he didn’t intend to make Taylor cry in the bathroom. He says he likes Tay and knows she’s going through a hard time and he didn’t mean to hurt her feelings. AW. He’s a sweet guy. You know he is, because the producers gave him a chance to publicly clear that up so he would stop getting hate mail. The guys all cheers, and then smell something funny.

Is there a rotting corpse under our table?

The one who smelt it dealt it.
The ladies are talking about how Camille was so strong to deal with gross hairy Frasier for so long. When Camille is supposed to be your only inspiration, it’s time to get back in the suitcase until better friends magically appear to let you out. Taylor insists that Russell never cheats on her, and Ad tries to get her to say what, exactly, Russell does do that’s so bad. Taylor answers with a Mickey Rourke in the Wrestler impression.

Fuckin’ 90′s sucked.
Ad tells us that she’s never seen Russell treat Taylor badly, but the word around town is that he does, and all she’s heard from Taylor is bad stuff so she doesn’t know what to think. Taylor’s not shedding any light on anything but how far behind other countries we are in our elective surgery artistry, so Lisa tries to help her along. “If someone raised a hand to you, for example…” Damn Lisa! That’s a little on the nose! Kyle says she would be out of there the second she was hit, and Ad says she would beat the shit out of any man who hit her. Taylor still won’t say anything, so Kyle takes the reigns. She says flash forward to the future and pretend that she’s already left Russ. Tay jumps in “And the safety of my daughter.” Huh? How does that fit in? If these women were really friends with Taylor, they’d put her to bed right now and save her some humiliation. Thankfully, they’re terrible friends and keep on pressing.
Lisa asks if Taylor feels like she deserves better, and Taylor cries nooooooo. But I loooooove hiiiiiiim! The ladies all yack that she needs to dump his ass, and then she starts moaning on about how fragile she is. Then she gets downright offensive and does a spot on Connie Chung impression. Racist, rude, and uncalled for, Taylor.

DongdongadingMaury’smeandongadingdong
No one knows how to respond to that. Thank God Kim is there to snap the Asian out of her.

Bayum! Bayum!
If you suspect a woman is being abused, it’s probably bad manners to go at them violently with a napkin. That said, I LOVE KIM SO HARD. Lisa, half mortified by Twitch’s outburst and half amused, thanks Kim for lightening the mood. Kim says “See, you thought you were a psychologist!” Lisa says she never claimed to be a psychologist, and Kim shout/laughs “well you’ve been acting like one all year!” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Kim dissed Lisa good, which brings a genuine(ly scary) smile to Taylor’s giant mouth.

Back to LA! Taylor is mortified by her behavior, and she jumps in the first car she sees and gets the fuck outta that airport as fast as she can. I feel bad for whatever family was driving that thing, cuz they’re in for a looooong ride. Kyle and Ad take a huge ass limo, and Ad is wearing that plastic Dennis the Menace hair all the rich women are sporting these days.

They immediately start talking about what a mess Taylor is. She’s too skinny and she’s drunk and mumbling and losing her shit. Let’s go back to Frasier’s place in Malibu! Cam’s hanging out with poor ignored friendployee DD. Why is Camille always out of breath? Stripping’s a sport, no? She should be able to do more than walk across the lawn for crissakes. Now let’s hear about how haaaaard everything is for Shlemiiiiiiiiel. DD asks what she misses most about Frasier. Camille says she misses watching the nannies stick vacuum his back hair. DD misses getting paid. Poor thing is working for bottles of White Rain these days. Cam tells her about Tay’s breakdown, and DD adds as much personality as always. “Uh huuh. Uh huuuuh.” Then she says at least Tay gets therapy instead of being dumped publicly like Cam. Camille is more of a victim, ok? We get it. Now someone please drive over there and pick them up before she has a lung collapse.
Kyle and Mauri are at lunch, and Kyle says she’s embarrassed to tell him about the drama of the trip. Huh? It will make him think they’re nuts. HA. He watched season one, right? Cuz you crawled over people in a limo to smack your sister and call her a lush. I think he already thinks y’all are nuts. She tells him about what went down, and tells us that it was nice to bond with Kim over someone being crazier than her. Mauri is glad for her, but he’s still pissed that Kim accused him of stealing her house on national TV and won’t sweep it under the rug til she gets a doctor. That’s a little too sensible. This is why they can’t make a Real Husbands show. The guys are just like “Yadda yadda let’s watch tv and adjust our balls.”
Lisa and Ken are looking at space to expand their restaurant Sur in WeHo. Unless Leech the Ex Cabana Boy is here threatening Lisa with a tell all written in misspelled tweets, I have no interest. Ken just wants to lie down, but Lisa has “this trick I pull out on Christmas and Birthdays”. HAHAH! She says if he keeps up the nos, she’ll take one for the team and give him some boobie action. LOL.
Let’s head over to The Mall at Caesar’s Palace, otherwise known as Ad’s house. Paul is on the phone with the head of security at one of the hotels Ad stays at in Sacramento. The Maloofs own the Kings. They want a new stadium, they’re not getting it, so Ad is threatening to move the team out of Sacramento. She knows the economy is in the toilet, right? Is it really the taxpayer’s biggest priority right now to pour millions into a stadium? Can you eat a stadium? No. No you can not. The fans are pissed and want to publicly mock her and stuff. At least that’s what I’m getting from all this. The security guy says there’s a lot of volatility and hate, and it would be dangerous for her to go to the last game of the season, and possibly the last game ever. Paul tells her not to go or people will throw stuff at her face. She says she’s had plenty of shit thrown at her face and isn’t scared. “I’m rubber, you’re glue” ain’t just a saying. Her face is safer than a Toyota Camry. Paul doesn’t wanna go, so they argue and argue. She’s going, dammit!
Let’s get back to Taylor. I’m bored. She has a life coach. LOL!! You’re doing a great job, sugar! You should be as embarrassed as my personal trainer.

So last time we met, I suggested you get plastered and embarrass yourself and your family and anyone who’s ever met you on national TV. Did you or didn’t you listen?

Nailed it!
Taylor tells her that she had a panic attack on the trip. That’s an interesting way to put it. She blames the hot tub. She heard everyone’s perspective and it ended up making her crazy. Um, you should shut the fuck up about your issues if you don’t want people to comment on them, and she admits that. Useless Life Coach tells her that she needs to build up her resistance so that other people’s opinions can roll right off her. You need to be advising her to shut up, girl! Come on! Taylor has done nothing but beg everyone around her to suggest she leave her husband. Now she got what she wanted and that’s everyone else’s fault. UGH. Fucking LA. When you have to pay someone to tell you you’re right, YOU’RE WRONG. I’ll be your life coach. Listen good, cuz I’m only saying this once: STOP SUCKING. Now write that check. I’m hungry.
Adrienne drama! Paul and Ad are arguing in the limo about being safe. She wants to stay in her box, he says it’s scary. She tells us that he was overstepping her bounds. She needs to get him a shock collar. Kim is coming with them, and Paul’s like “Um does she know she could get murdered on this trip?” Twitch doesn’t know the difference, and she’s the only friend crazy enough to come. Ad gets pissed and tells Paul to stay out of her business and they fight and fight and fight. Ugh. If I wanted to watch homely people fight I’d cut in line at Ross Dress for Less.
Kyle is in her backyard picking up dog shit. Portia is obsessed and wants to scoop the poop. It’s hilarious. That kid is so cute. Kyle won’t let her scoop! WHY? What’s the point of having kids if not to scoop poop? This show is confusing sometimes.

You’re hired!
Paul and Adrienne get to the airport and Kim’s not there. Ad calls her, and after asking “WHO IS THIS?” five times, Kim starts twitch babbling like an incoherent drug addict. “Where? I’m so excited to go with you guys! I love you guys! My power went out. I was gonna do my hair wet in a ponytail and then I was like in the middle of the Kings guys? No way! I LOOOOVE YOOOOU! Icon! Flipper! Disney!” WTF? Ad knows the score, but she’s on TV so she decides to wait at the bar while the rented (EMBARRASSING) private jet waits for them. Paul’s like “woah that bitch is wack” but Ad says Kim is just recovering from a cold. Paul’s like “that crack ho isn’t recovering from anything.”

DING DING DING!!
Oh, Kim! WHYYYYYY??? Next week, we meet our new housewife! And she’s already on crutches!

Trouble on four sticks.
You guys, how juicy is this show? My God. These women are blossoming into bigger nuts than I could have ever hoped for. YAAAAYYYY!! See you next time!
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60 Comments
A real doozy, this episode!! Where to begin… So Kim seems to be the only one getting the saint editing this year, and that ain’t saying much! I’m not liking kyle’s true colors that are coming out… Like when she jumps in on apologies to Kim, and Kim jokes that she should be sorry, that bitch flip switches on a dime! Plus for her to be all “hmm Kim doesn’t want me ‘mothering’ her but look at the hypocrite consoling the sobbing skeleton that pounced on her”. Little old to buy into the whole “but Taylor was my friend first!” game, no? Plus, she totally knew what would happen feeding booze to boney maloney, but makes sure to throw in the altitude to skirt shit stirring blame.
I miss Ad & Paul last year when they were the Bickersons but never mean-spirited… Yeah, he can be hella annoying but he’s harmless & puts up with her hair tinsel, so he’s aces in my book!
Taylor, Taylor…I wonder how hard it is to get a refund from a life coach…
I guess this is what happens when the network that owns your soul “suggests” that you go on vacation with your show frenemies and you have an overdose after doing a line of coke off Kyle’s boobs/psychotic break. If you’d been with friends, they would have taken you to a nice emergency room and had you detoxed/committed. But they are not your friends, they actually hate your guts, so they make “kray kray” motions behind your back, then slap some lip gloss on your 8th-grade-science-project lips and take you out in public.
Taylor is just completely unsympathetic. She makes noises about being in love with Russell, but then insinuates he beats her and then acts insulted that her friends have opinions on her marriage. Yes, she half assed fessed up to setting this in motion but only in a very pathetic ‘little ol’ me didn’t know my friends would confuse the issue’ way. But she did keep making digs at Camille all weekend ie ‘(my husband may beat me, is broke as shit) but at least he doesn’t cheat!’ I’m surprised Camille handled it so well, but then she has 50 million bucks to keep her otherwise occupied.
I had high hopes for Kim, and I was surprisingly let down after her phone call with Adrienne. That said, I can’t wait for the wet crackhead to show up two hours late.
Great episode and of course, a great recap!
FLIPIT, BEST FUCKING RECAP EVER!
I laughed, I cried, I soiled myself. Just kidding–I’m not Camille!
I just LOVED the va-jay-jay pic and tennis ho reference. Not so sexy to steal another woman’s hubby in front of the camera anymore, is it Camille?
I did not care for Taylor’s “I grew up with nothing” speech. Excuse me, but I saw pictures of Taylor before she fucked up her own face. That girl did not grow up with nothing–no personality or money for sure, but she was educated, white, looked good with fab legs, and had friends. That woman needs to watch “Precious”.
Kyle apologizing? Kyle gave Kim SHIT for the mess that Taylor made. She was the leader of the pack that blamed Kim for the Camille debacle. Damn woman, screw the weightless words, show your sister that you are sorry by giving her her house back!
And now for a shout out to my Mom, the dear lady who thought she was being soooooo original when she named me at the hospital when I was born (the story goes that she came up with the name on the toilet). She had never heard the name ‘Shana’ before. Well Mom, now I share this ‘unique’ name with a crazy person! My sisters don’t share names with crazy people, just me! I always knew you loved them more! Buy me lots of pretty things that sparkle and maybe I’ll forgive you…
Woah, I think I started channeling Melania Guidice (RHONJ) there for a minute.
And speaking of opinionated little girls–Flipit, coming from someone who works with children, the reason Portia should not be allowed to pick up the poop is that children her age will somehow find a way to get the poop all over herself, her clothes and anything else in a fifty mile radius in under twenty-six seconds. It is a phenomenon that defies belief.
Totally agree @ NotWithoutMyTV.
After seeing this it seems slightly amazing that it was Russel and not Taylor who committed suicide.
Great recap Flipit!!! I like the crazy, out going quirky Kim. She cracks me up. Now the phone call in the limo with Ad was a little too weird, but I hope she pulls it together. Me thinks I know why Russell led Taylor out of the room so hastily last year. Girl can not handle her liquor. Now that was crazy….
ROFL! I was trying hard not to laugh and failing so bad I had to tell people my new sinus pills are making me have a thing that’s kind of like temporary Tourette’s!
Thanks for explaining the makeup bag thing. I kept thinking she must have cocaine in it, she was so upset, and in the last place you’d need to worry about not having any.
If there was a zombie attack and they were stranded there for a year they’d run out shoes to boil for protein before they ran out of makeup.
And I got new items for my things I never thought I’d hear list:
“Do I have to finish this Cohiba?”
“It’s a great airport. I love the planes there.”
kthxbai
I have to remember to use that line “It’s a great airport. I love the planes there.”..insanely funny! That’s something she could’ve said sober aswell. Like Kim so much, hope she sobers up permanently though. A laughoutloud recap once again, perhaps you should be a lifecoach Flipit
2010/2011 seems to be the years for the Grim Reaper to swing his karmic scythe through the Real Housewives casts. Got a husband? A mcMansion? Stickley furniture? The last remnants of a good reputation?
You won’t for long, bitch!
@ NotWithoutMyTV: lol
Satchels of gold man, satchels of gold.
Hey!! Thanks for reading these. I love laughing at the comments the next day. “It’s a great airport. I love the planes there.” LOLOLOLLL!!! I laughed so freaking hard when she said that that by the time I started typing again I forgot to write it down! HAHAH! Laughing all over again. That woman is a nut!!
Am I alone in thinking the scene with the Husbands was re-filmed; possibly while the ‘edits’ were going on? I know it’s a stretch but, I find it so weird that 3 of the 4 House Hubbies were present while the woman were in CO. It seemed so out of place to me. Paul did say later in the episode that there’s his side, her side and the truth.
I also think they edited Kyle to shreds post ‘incident’. She seems so scattered and inconsistent this year when last year she would just tell a beyatch where to go. Maybe I am over analyzing…
And there was definitely something other than make-up in that make-up bag, no doubt!
*women, derp.
Oh Flip, I do love you so, I wanna be just like you when I grow up, all clever and snarky and histerical! Your fantastic work is making my days better each week, but even by those standards you are in a rare form today! This must be the FUNNIEST SH!T you ever wrote (naturally the funniest sh!t I ever read anywhere). Mazel! (HATE that cross-eyed pr!ck but ‘mazel’ seems the most evocative on this occasion).
After this episode I am freed of any compassion for Taylor. All I see is a vindictive, attention-hungry bi@tch that would do and say anything for a little sympathy. At the same time, she is VERY CAREFUL to not say ANYTHING that Russell could use to sue her for slander (remember, he was still alive, so she had to have worried about that). She made him into such a villain, without giving any particulars, ANY PROOF, all by using innuendos, gloomy forlorn looks and ‘resolving into tears’ whenever it was convenient.
I agree she had lost a lot of weight, and she does look stressed out, but I do not think it has ANYTHING to do with Russell treating her wrong or whatever she’d have us believe. I am convinced that it all stems from their financial troubles, and her admitted worries that her daughter and herself will not be taken care of anymore.
F-u-@-k-i-n-g snake w-h-0-r-e! She was as involved as Russell in causing their fiscal demise, or maybe even more, actually, since her outsized social ambition and outlandish spending habits had to be satisfied by him somehow. I think she used him all their life together, blamed him for anything that went wrong, sucked him dry and then tried to discard him like trash, and that’s what he could not handle anymore, and he broke inside.
NO NORMAL LOVING WOMAN would go on camera, buzzed or drunk, and discuss her marital problems while claiming to be working them out!!! She is obsessed with being on TV, and that is what led to the demise of her marriage and to the destruction of Russell’s life.
She has gotten so physically repulsive that I can’t even look at her anymore. And I do not think it is because of her ‘problems’, real or self-invented, but because she is a disgusting human being inside and it shows. Had she any love and respect, any true affection for Russell and her daughter, she would not have returned for the second season, but instead quit and then worked on getting her mess of a life back in order. That she was unwilling to do that, that she compromised and sacrificed everything for another few minutes of reality-TV-fame, proves what a horrible fake-@ss she really is.
Yeah, when you’re a coke whore, things like where your make up bag is, and if the bellboy is still watching your luggage, become really IMPORTANT issues.
Altitude and wine, MY ASS.
NWMTV on FIYAH today, LOL! Santa can’t fix this one, Taylor.
I swear TayTay is pissing me off with all her bullshit. I remember specifically reading that she was a cheerleader in high school, went to competitions etc. I’m not familiar with that ‘culture’ but don’t you need money for that kind of stuff? If she really were SOOOOOO POOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRR she would have been going to school and back home, period. At least that is my experience, though I’m not originally from the US, so maybe I’m not comprehending.
Anyway, I also read for sure that, while married to Russell, one of her/their scams was introducing her to people i.e. potential investors as ‘Taylor Ford, from THOSE Fords’. The fu#$ing b!@ch was lying through her teeth, and it makes me feel that she’s got it down to both art and science now. To me she personifies the expression ‘you lie like you breathe’. I bet she does not even know anymore what’s real and what she made up. She seems to have a new STORY ready for every new occassion, and it seriously bothers me to look at her and know that what is coming out of her mouth is most likely a lie, followed by another lie, etc. She makes me sick, with her permanent residence in the state of victimhood, and her claims of domestic abuse disgust me. I’ve been through a little of that myself, though nothing on a severe scale – I realized God gave me legs and a brain for a reason and that was the end of it. But she seems to be much more concerned with her monetary well-being, with physical comforts, with convenience and extravagance than a woman should be with getting her life back on track if her claims of abuse were true.
@polk8dot, you nailed exactly what I think of Taylor. Her character was revealed perfectly last season by that $60,000 birthday party for her…excuse me, I mean for her daughter who was totally ignored by Taylor while she drank and drank and danced on top of tables after handing the daughter over to the nanny.
Ad was talking about a ‘new state-of-the-art basketball arena’ not a stadium, Flipit. And I hope she watched herself on this episode and realized what a giant spoiled entitled c-word she is.
We had a mayor in San Diego, in the 90′s, Susan Golding (another c-word, grrr) who agreed to that exact style deal with the Chargers. As part of it, the city had to not only pay millions towards ‘jointly with the Spanos’s, the owners’ building a new stadium, but that bi7ch also guaranteed the team a buy-back of all unsold tickets, with the city’s money, to prevent TV blackouts. Starting from ’97 season, the taxpayers were shelling out millions each week, since the team went to crap previous season and nobody cared to pay for tickets, plus they had a guaranteed game on TV thanks to that shi77y deal. Because the city did not have enough money to cover the costs (the wh0re Golding did not anticipate such a loss of revenue) they started borrowing money from the employee retirement funds, from infrastructure improvement grants etc. As a result, we’ve been on the brink of bankruptcy for at least 4-5 years now (yes, I am a city employee); the health benefits got slashed to ridiculous levels, the retirement benefits got cut so bad that people have no future to look forward to unless you’ve earned Social Security before working for the city (they, i.e. we have a self-funded retirement plan, so they do not pay our share into Social Security as credits for the future benefits).
The water infrastructure started falling apart a decade ago; there is not a month without some new sink hole and/or water main break becasue the piping should all have been replace by the year 2000.
No, we are now ALL SCREWED because the bi7ch Golding made a deal with the devil, and Adrienne wants to be the devil now.
How f#$%ing greedy are you??? When is it enough??? Get lost in you mall-sized house and don’t come out till the recession is over or you got some sense back. (Does the Botox kill brain cells?)
I am sick of Taylor’s elected permanent residence in the state of victimhood. She seems to invent stories and make up lies as she goes along, as the situation demands, or as her sick mind dictates.
I do not believe for a second that she ‘was SOOOOO POOOOORRRRRRRR, Waaahhhhhh’. I read that she had a normal happy middle class upbringing, with cheer-leading in high school, traveling to competitions etc. I think if you’re soooooo pooooooor you’d not have money for that, you’d be going to school and straight back home, and maybe even get a part-time job to earn some independence.
I do not buy one word of her bullshit about domestic violence and being abused by Russell. I think she just ‘went with the flow’ last season at the DV charity event, and while talking, got carried away and made up that story, so beautiful and poetic and martyrdom-seeking about being abused herself. I remember Russell’s face when she said that, and it was a complete shock from a person who’s never heard of that before, which to me confirmed that it was all lies (I mean, come on! You’ll tell a room full of strangers of such a horrible time in your life, but over all the years you never once mentioned it to your husband? Riiiiight!) But I think both she and the editors liked that story arc, and when she realized what trouble they were in financially, and with the lawsuits from pissed-off ripped-off investors, she decided to get some sympathy points by painting herself as a victim and Russell as a total scum-bag villain. That way she could also blame all their financial misdeeds on him and escape unscathed herself. Even though it is a well-known fact that she was completely involved in his scams, if not actually thinking them up, and her multiple name changes, and their introducing her as ‘Taylor Ford, of THOSE Fords’ just sounds like something she’d come up with not Russ.
I think she is full of shit when it comes to the abuse accusations, and the fact that she would lie about something so heinous, making him so hateful to us, tells me she lies as she breathes. She’s probably herself forgotten what is even true and what are lies, anymore. Add drugs/alcohol to that and you get exactly what we got this episode: a nutcase who’s almost totally lost her grip on reality, but who will still kick and scream about what a fricking victim she is. HATE!!!
Oooops. sorry, I thought my original comment got lost in the ‘interwebs’ so I wrote it again with some extras. I think it is all Twich’s fault somehow, and I’m planning on having a nervous breakdown over it, though I’ll deferr it till the weekend.
@SanDiego_WeGotScrewed: Was your local sports rant comment board down for the day? I think those readers might have cared about Golding. Since this is a thread concerning the present Housewives, we sorta don’t.
@Baby’boo. I don’t think she’s lying about Russell. I think he probably did smack her around. To quote a wise man named Sam Kinison: “I don’t condone wife beating. I UNDERSTAND it, but I don’t condone it.”
@
Flipit..this was the funniest thing I have ever read! I don’t know how people have the guts to read your stuff at work because I seriously would get fired for outbursts of maniacal laughter.
I love my Kimmie, and even ‘under the weather’, she’s charming. “It’s a nice airport. I love the planes there.” made me laugh so HARD. Incredible. I do hope she gets help, though. I still think it’s pills because there is no way a coke high lasts for a 4 hr limo ride. You need to re-up every 30-45 minutes or so. (Not that I would know. I just..um, read a lot.) Kim was high energy from the moment they hit the airport, was spanking people on the plane, and talking nonstop in the limo for hours. If that was coke..then, damn..Kim may be poor, but she doesn’t skimp on the good shit.
A little gossip about the Maloofs. The fans hate Ad and her brothers because they bought the team 12 years ago, signed a bunch of sucky players, never make the playoffs, and now because attendance is low and profits even lower, they want to pack up and move. They’re taking the team to Anaheim! The Sac Kings have been around before the Maloofs and fans are sad to see them go. So they want to chuck hot nacho cheese at Adrienne’s face to see if it melts.
I read a few months back that they were trying to take the Kings to Vegas to help both of their failing enterprises. (The Palms went from being valued at $600 mil to be only worth $20 mil. But hey, they still own the biggest stock in Wells Fargo, so there’s that.)
Flipit, hilarious recap as always!! Your description of the dinner party from hell last year had me in tears. And I’m so glad you included a pic of Ad’s hair in the limo, too funny
Taylor is the worst. Lisa’s fashion has been a little off so far. And is it that suprising to Kyle that Kim can act motherly considering Kim has 4 children!! Can’t wait for this Brandi woman to stir things up- I’m sick of hearing about Taylor’s problems!
@kdognatl: “Me thinks I know why Russell led Taylor out of the room so hastily last year. Girl can not handle her liquor. Now that was crazy….”
Yes! Here’s Russell’s attorney’s take on things: (from Reuters)
…The attorney also disputed Taylor Armstrong’s claim that his client was abusive, and said many of the couple’s problems stemmed from alcohol. They often drank too much — including at parties they attended for the sake of the show — and Armstrong sometimes had to physically restrain his wife, Richards said.
“If you drink too much with your wife, and one person goes bananas and you grab them and say stop, I didn’t think that was domestic violence,” Richards said. “I thought that was calming your spouse down.”
@Gypsy, I also felt that scene with the men was filmed either before or after the ladies’ trip. They did the same thing last season. Made the men all go out while their ladies were in NY. Including Paul, who was all, “So our ladies are in NY, and it’s just us guys.” But we also saw that Ad’s uncle had died and so she didn’t go to NY. So, it’s perfectly possible this was filmed later on. Especially since I can’t imagine cheap ass Bravo dispatching a camera crew just to film the men have drinks, while their main crew was in Colorado. Nope, they’d just fit it into their filming schedule when everyone’s in BH.
Here is some more insight to Taylor’s scamming with Rusell. Dod you know she’s changed her name four times? I wonder who she’ll be next..
http://www.realitytea.com/tag/russell-armstrong-bankruptcy/
And speaking of poop(were we?), does Kyle really live in BH and not have any staff? Wow, she must really be poor. “Honey, all the money goes to the mortgage, so we had to fire everybody. You will be now chef, housekeeper, nanny, caretaker, and chauffeur.”
@NotWithoutMyTv: You have a right to your opinion, just like I do mine. But if you really UNDERSTAND wife beating, then that probably explains yours. Because to me there is nothing more heinous in an interaction of two people than one thinking it is OK to beat the other. No Matter What the Reason for it!
And as stated already, I did not see Russell as this kind of person.
@NWMTV: Yeah that board went down in 1998, and all this bile has been percolating in me all these years, until I finally saw a Housewives blog and thought to myself, Wow, after all these years….
Sorry, did not know that the apropos rants or ruminations from the past were not allowed on here. When did you make this rule? Oh, shit, I almost forgot – you’re not the boss of it. Don’t read if you don’t want to, but if I see any relevance I will comment as I please. That’s the nature of the blogs, hon.
SanDiego_we got screwed: I can appreciate your comments. While I don’t think anyone reading these blogs wants too much bad news, I think it is important to point out that the actions of these spoiled rich selfish people, do have consequences for the rest of us.
@toomuchtv: Thanks
“…back in BevHills, the husbands are hanging. Out. Hanging Out.” Flipit, I WEEP!!! You have reached a new level of adoration…
One observation: the only thing worse than a dry Taylor is a wet Taylor. She looked like hammerin’ shit in the hot tub, maybe cause her Pool Noodle lips looked extra flubbery with wet synthetic clip-on hair. And girl, eat a sangwich! If I knew I could be stone broke soon, you can bet I’d be stuffing my purse with canapes at every BH soiree and eating like a ranchhand…
When Paul said ‘she f***ked up..I assumed he was talking about every chick on this show!!
One of your best recaps.. you do good work Flipit!!
Can anyone explain why Lisa’s dressed like she’s about to headline the musical version of Hookers at the Point?
Flipit you are a genus, genis, genuis…
(continued)
very,very smart. Anyway, that was one of about 40 awesome jokes, thanks!
Now maybe you can explain to me why Lisa has decided to dress this year like she is still getting bit parts on Silk Stalkings?
@ SanDiego_WeGotScrewed: Well, I found what you said fascinating. I never keep up with sports, but I had heard that the Kings weren’t that great a team and I wondered why they would have the right to be demanding perks. It did seem cold and bitchy of Adrianne, but until I read your post, I didn’t realize the damage and scope of financial repercussions such a demand would make. Ad treats everyone like they are her personal staff, including her husband. She acts like those old dictators who believe that their oppressed country just cannot get on without them, that there is no way the people really want them dethroned, etc. She is a legend in her own mind. And I used to find this woman semi likable–oh well, another one bites the dust.
I would like to hear what Paul has to say about the pics of Taylor ‘abused’.
@SanDiego_WeGotScrewed: I find what you said most interesting. I didn’t realize, when watching the episode, that they were expecting the city to pay for their state-of-the-art arena. I just thought fans were mad because they were taking the team away. I find it absolutely ridiculous that Adrienne can live in her mall-house with all her staff and rococo gilded furniture and all that crap and feel like other gov’t services that us plebes need and use should be forfeited so her crappy team that no one’s ever heard of can make her even more money. What you said puts it all in a different perspective for me. She was one of my favorites last season but I can’t believe her family’s sense of entitlement. I still like her but she’s slipping away for me for sure.
@ goat: Exactly.
“Spend enough time without a man in your life and everything seems really romantic. I got a Val-Pak in the mail today and almost raped the mailman on the spot.” OMG!! LOLOLOLOL!!! Sadly, I can relate!!!! Back to reading!
@San Diego, don’t mind NWMTV he’s our resident pooty booty. But once you get his humor you’ll either learn to love it or ignore it.
@ Classy re: NWMTV to San Diego…EXACTLY!
@Sarcas-thanks for the backup, that one was just too obvious IMHO.
@ Kimmie-I am one of those who risks my job weekly for the quality of laugh’s Flipit delivers! IMMD!
I am with whoever said let’s keep it movin’! I am so SICK of Taylor and her ‘pool noodle’ lips (UNREAL/Amazing!) Bring on the new beyatches, I want to see Kyle and Kim give a smack down! (not literally, of course)
I know I started this recap earlier today, but I am finally off of work and could finish it IN PEACE!
I just have to say, this part: “Ad calls her, and after asking “WHO IS THIS?” five times, Kim starts twitch babbling like an incoherent drug addict. “Where? I’m so excited to go with you guys! I love you guys! My power went out. I was gonna do my hair wet in a ponytail and then I was like in the middle of the Kings guys? No way! I LOOOOVE YOOOOU! Icon! Flipper! Disney!” WTF?”
LOLOLOLOLOL! I WAS WAITING ALL DAY to read what you wrote about that scene and as usual YOU DIDN’T DISAPPOINT! I can barely breathe from laughing!!! That scene was carazay!!!!!! Poor Kim!!!! This whole episode was out of control, but your recap was tha shiz!!!!!
Taylor needs to stay off of tv for good. Also, the part about the Life Coach telling Taylor to get smashed and embarrass herself and everyone else she knows on National TV?! I may never stop laughing!!! Love!!!!
I’m done with the suicide, it’s none of my biz, and the only way it figures in my life is how it effects this season of RHOBH and how Taylor was acting during the filming. (Don’t get me wrong, I have ALOT to say about the Russ/suicide issue and her incomprehensible ablity to be functioning and still tattling on the dead guy?!!). Super shady.
I just want to say, @Flipit, the best recap, I loved your Camille/breathing observation. That drove me nuts. I wonder if DD thinks of Russ when she is ‘yes sir, may I have anothering’ with Kelsey’s ex-wife? Seriously, what’s the deal with camille breathing wise? Also, if she was “napping” in a room where she couldn’t hear any of the Taylor drama then the layout of the house had the kids rooms so far away from the parents or the whole family barely went to that house and her saying “I can afford it, and I think I’ll keep it for the kids…” was more Camasshole BS! Was she talking about Hawaii House? I actually think I would rather see snooki with these houses more than Camasshole.
This was a crazy great ep. Ad got wierd, Kim is gloriously wierd, Paul called out the wierd. Taylor really looks terriblly wierd. That and she is clearly doing drugs on that trip and evrything else that has been said about taylor…She looks wierd!
There is something wrong with me because I totally speak ‘Kim talk’. I didn’t find the conversation on the phone weird at all, it is just that it came at a quiet, hostile moment between Ad and Paul, so it seemed crazier than usual. She was panicked and feeling awful because her power went out and she was running late because of it. She was trying to explain the reason she was so late–because of the power outage she wasn’t able to blow dry her hair at first and was just going to pull it back wet into a ponytail, but then she thought, “I am going to a place where there are lots of people, lots of cute guys, and a rich couple and so I HAVE to do my hair properly.” But of course, since she already runs late all the time to begin with, plus the power shortage, and then stopping to take the time to do her hair, she is now beyond late. She wants to make sure that Paul and Ad understand that she didn’t mean to be rude by being so late, she wasn’t dragging her feet or trying to get out of the commitment–she wants to go, loves being with them etc., but she knows she probably won’t make the flight and feels bad about it. Apologizing and rushing and feeling guilty while trying to get there would make you sound nonsensical too.
@Gypsy, that would be SO weird if the husband’s scene was added during the post-suicide edits. Doesn’t one of them ask where Russell is and someone else says San Diego???
@shana. You’re kidding right? I LOVE Kim (and Kyle, actually) and I was impressed she was still planning on coming after that crazy babble-speak. But if you speak ‘Kim speak’ 9 out of 10 times you need ‘some kind of help’ and the other 1 time you may just need, and want to keep that quiet.
@ emilyhartly: lol. I work with little kids, I am used to nonsensical babbling that doesn’t have an end. Got a lot of practice under my belt! I agree about needing the help though, so true, so true…
@Shana, you’re a good egg. I work with little kids,too! I have to say, though, my four year old niece could have handled that phone call a tiny bit better. But basically most of the real housewives seem to be in some major form of arrested development…”That’s a nice airport, I love the planes there” I guess I might have said that if I was nervous? and on something?
@emilyhartly: lol.
@myfavoritesunglasses- Yep, it would be beyond weird. That’s my point; it felt so unnatural to me. I know it’s a stretch to think they added that in post suicide but if you really look at it, IMO, the whole set up…showing Paul, then Ken, then flash to a cigar or a cocktail then Mauri (not sure of the exact order of appearance but you get the jist)…I was waiting for Russell to show up I felt like there were edits or the entire thing was re-filmed. I don’t want to get into the whole Russel/Taylor debate but, we do know that there was editing going on and that the cast was told to hush after the ‘incident’. Russell was in San Diego while Taylor was in Colorado? Where was Kennedy? Why would 3 of the four men get together when it clearly looked like it was supposed to be Hubbies night out while the women were away? Maybe I let my mind wander too much with this one as I mentioned before but, something about it seemed fishy. IDK…
@Shana…I COMPLETELY agree! I got the same thing from that phone call! I mean, I do speak Cray Cray, but I really believe she was just a little frantic because her power went out before she could finish getting ready & it was throwing her for a loop. I think the fact that a private plane & bravo’s cameras were waiting for her was sending her into a tailspin. Completely understandable behavior IMO.
Completely understandable behavior:
This is Adreinne.
Who?
Adreinne.
What?
This is Adreinne.
Huh?
Adreinne.
—
Kim, this is Paul and Adreinne.
Who?
I think Kim may have been surprised because Adrienne had never called her directly. The flight was probably set up by the producers. So when she got the call, she racked her brain, wondering who might be calling. She probably never had an Adrienne call her phone before..that why she was like, “I don’t have time for this.” Ha! I love bitchy Kim. She only started gushing when she realized her error and then she tried to make it up by overcompensating. “I didn’t mean to get testy with you billionaires, sawwy!”
I also think her airplane comment, “I love the planes there!” could’ve been referring to the pimped out private jets that use that airport.
Of course, I laughed, too when I heard it, and do sometimes expect a little recreational Ritalin use, but I love my Kimmie and so I’ll always give her the benefit of the doubt.
If she was high, then so what? Who wouldn’t need a little something extra before being trapped in a small space with the Bickersons? Tinsel hair, diamond rings making prisms on every surface, Paul shedding all over the furniture, and the constant nipping and sniping at one another. Yea..I’d need Conrad Murray to fix me up real good.
@Sarcasatire….EXACTLY!!
Ad says that Taylor is probably just staying with Russ because she’s afraid of being alone. If by alone you mean poor, then yes. Very thoughtful HAHAHAHAHA! My exact thoughts! That’s probably why she asked for a divorce, she found out he was broke. You can’t get sympathy for that, HHHHmmmmmm what reason can she use………..
I saw some story a while back that she was drunk and fell down, and said those bruises were from Russell, anybody read that?
Flipit…I loves you!
Hey Classy, and Ohralphie! good to see your still around, I haven’t been on to much lately!
@Sarcasatire: I haven’t seen spin like that since Blagojevich tried to sell Obama’s Illinois senate seat. You have a natural aptitude for being a lawyer, a politician, or a public relations rep for high profile clients in trouble, if indeed your real name is not already Gloria Allred.
Although your detailed explanation for Kim’s behavior is much appreciated, I generally tend to think the simplest explanations are best and closest to the truth. In this case, as Paul said, “She’s f***** up.”
I can’t believe the episode. i was shocked to see alot of what was going on with Taylor, i didn’t know they’d put her on Blast like that but oh well she consented! why Is Kim ALWAYS getting preferential treatment? even in the reunion they never bated her about her alcoholism and how come there’s hardly any cameras in her life outside group dates. Andy Cohen prob had a disney crush on her as a kid. that would explain it.
Okay, Kelly’s breakdown took place on Scary Island and Taylor’s took place where, Twitch Mountain?
Crankyguy, I use my spin powers for good, not evil. *cape flaps in the wind*
@ sarcasatire: you are brilliant!
I was thinking about Scary Island. How come we saw almost none of that (to hear the cast members tell it), but we saw almost continuous streaming of Taylor’s breakdown? No fair!
Did anyone else hear the lady chef say there was “cummin” in the soup? I thought if Teresa & LOL’d.
@ Shantygal and others who might enjoy this gem…I came across it on the interwebz.
http://mediaelites.com/2010/05/22/satchels-of-gold-the-found-poetry-of-kelly-bensimon/